I woke up. It was gloomy almost dark with just the bedside lamp on. I was in Nan’s bed for some reason. I looked over to the corner. She was there, fast asleep, a book on her lap, looking peaceful.


We Shall Fight On The Beaches...

Chapter 12

By Susan Brown

Previously...

There was a knock on the front door. I was the nearest so I got up to answer it. I noticed a few crumbs on my dress and I quickly brushed them off. I then opened the door, smiling.

There, in front of me was my mum and Sally as large as life.

Everything went black…

And now the story continues…

I woke up. It was gloomy almost dark with just the bedside lamp on. I was in Nan’s bed for some reason. I looked over to the corner. She was there, fast asleep, a book on her lap, looking peaceful.

My mum.

It wasn’t a dream. She was real and alive just like my dear sister Sally.

I looked at her. She looked worn out, and thin, but still my mum.

Mum.

I sneezed.

She stirred, shook her head and then looked at me and smiled. Putting her book down, she got up, came over and sat on the bed.

‘Well, this is all a surprise, isn’t it?’

Of course, I did the girl thing and hugged her tightly and cried my eyes out.

It took a few minutes for me to pull myself together and then I laid back on my pillow and looked at Mum. I couldn’t believe it. She was there, in the flesh and Sally, she was alive too!

‘I…I thought you were both dead.’

‘We thought you were too.’

‘I don’t understand.’

Are you up to hearing this?’

‘Please Mum, tell me.’

She brushed the hair out of my face and held my hand.

‘Alright, let me think. You left us as we went up to the house. You had left your book in the Anderson shelter and you said you would go and get it. We were just going into the house when all hell broke loose. I can’t remember anything about it nor does Sally. We found out afterwards that an unexploded bomb had landed next door and it suddenly blew up. Both Sally and I were evidently caught up in the aftershock and we were both knocked out.

‘We were taken unconscious to the Church Hall with other casualties. I woke up first, with a huge headache, not knowing where I was. Luckily no bones were broken and I just had a few scratches and a lot of bruises. Sally was less fortunate. She had a skull fracture and she lost hearing in one ear. We were transferred to a hospital outside of London, Southend-On-Sea, where Sally had an operation to stop the pressure inside her skull.

‘It was touch and go for a while, but they managed to sort her out and she’s fine now except that she is deaf in one ear and has some vision problems.’

‘Can I see her?’

‘Of course, but she’s resting at the moment as she isn’t fully up to strength yet. She’s going to be fine though. Anyway, Sally was in hospital for a while and I was very anxious about you and I couldn’t get any information about what had happened to you from where we were. I was desperate for news about you. Once Sally was deemed to be out of danger, I went back home. When I arrived, I could see that our house had taken a large hit. I spoke to an air raid warden and he told me that shortly after Sally and I had been taken away, a V2 dropped on our garden and that they hadn’t found anyone under the rubble. I went through the rubble and where the Anderson Shelter had been there was a large crater.

‘For some reason, I looked around for you even though I knew that the area would have been searched for any signs of life after the bomb hit. I found your cap up against a bush that had somehow survived. I knew it was yours straight away. It was torn almost in two and had blood on it. I also saw a few torn and scorched pages of the Biggles book you were reading. I knew then that I had lost you. Oh, I didn’t give up there and then, I couldn’t believe that you had been killed. I asked everywhere and I was told that there was no sign of you anywhere. I knew that you were sensible and would seek help if you were able to. I checked all of the hospitals and once again, nothing.

‘I had to then conclude that you had been killed, probably in the Anderson shelter. I went back to Southend and by then Sally had woken up and was missing me. She was confused and didn’t remember anything of that awful day. She asked after you and I had to tell her that you had been killed. We both cried our eyes out over that and we felt the loss of you terribly.

‘Eventually, Sally was well enough to go home, only there wasn’t any home to go to. We have no close relatives; as you know, we are a small family. The only person I could think of was Rose, your Dad’s mother down here in Cornwall. We made the trip, which wasn’t that easy, but luckily the railway was still up and running, although we had to make several diversions due to track damage. Anyway, we finally made it and then after cadging a lift from the station to here, we came to your Nan’s house. I was worried that she might have moved or worse, died but when I knocked on the door and saw you, you fainted.

‘It took a moment to recognise you. You have changed a lot in a short space of time, but there you were at my feet, not the boy I remembered but a girl in a pretty dress with her long hair tied up with ribbons and looking so very pretty.’

‘Sorry,’ I whispered, tears running down my face.

‘What for?’

‘For not being the boy you wanted me to be.’

‘After all the kafuffle, your Nan told me all about what happened. I knew that boys of your age and even younger were being rounded up by the Nazis and I had heard a few stories of boys pretending to be girls to get around that. I assumed at first that this was the case for you. Your Nan put me right about that. You consider yourself to be a girl and always have, is that right?’

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I played with the ribbon on the front of my nightdress as I waited for her reaction.

‘Carol, look at me.’

I did as she asked, noting that she had called me by my girls' name. I didn’t see horror on her face, far from it, I saw love.

‘I’ve always known that you were different from other boys. You were so gentle; you didn’t like rough and tumble and you always preferred the company of girls rather than boys. You probably don’t remember, but when you were little you asked me to wear a dress like the little girl next door because she was so pretty and you wanted to be like her.’

‘Angela?’

She smiled.

‘You remember?’

I nodded.

‘A few times after that you asked me to change your name. do you remember that?’

‘Yes,’

‘We both know what name you chose.’

‘Carol,’ I said.

She smiled and nodded.

‘You don’t hate me do you Mum and you don’t want me to be John again now the war is over?’

My heart started thumping for some reason and suddenly perspiration broke out on my forehead.

‘The world is now a different place due to the war and its aftermath. Millions have died and nothing will be the same as before. I am just so happy to have my child back, alive and well and if you want to live as a girl then I have absolutely no problem with that. Your Nan told me what has been happening regarding your medical issues and I’ll be seeing your doctor to confirm what she has done for you. Looking into the future, when you are older, perhaps you could adopt if find a partner that loves and wants you as you are. I always have believed that there is always someone out there for everyone. I believe that rules and laws will change for the better and there will be more tolerance of one another. It may not happen for a while but I am sure it will. I am an optimist and I want you to be too. Now, I can see that you are tired, so have some sleep and I’ll see you later. I love you so much Carol and I think that you make the loveliest girl. How anyone could possibly think that you are a boy, I will never know and Carol?’

‘Yes Mum,’ I sniffed, tears running down my face as well as hers.

‘I’m certain that your Dad would think the same as me. He was the wonderful, gentlest man you could ever know. He would be proud of his brave girl.’

She kissed me on my wet cheek and with a final smile she left me and closed the door quietly.

I thought about things for a moment and smiled. Then I yawned. I was tired, maybe because of all that had happened to me. I turned over and went to sleep, happy in the knowledge that I had my dear Mum and Sister back.

I felt a gentle tapping on my hand.

Blearily and yawning, I opened my eyes and there she was!

‘Sally!’ I cried, suddenly waking and sitting up.

Then things got a bit confusing as I was hugged and kissed by my darling sister.

Once she put me down, she sat on the bed next to me holding my hand.

‘Well,’ she said grinning, ‘It looks like I’ve got a new sister.’

‘Where is she?’ I asked looking around the room and under the sheets.

She giggled.

‘You silly! You’re just as daft as before when you were a yucky boy.’

‘I was never a yucky boy. A yucky girl in hiding maybe.’

She thought about that for a moment and smiled.

‘You’re right, you were never a real boy. We always played well together even though you were very old compared to me. We played as girls and you never played like a boy, I think.’

‘Enough of the old remarks, I’m only fourteen.’

‘I’m still eleven though, I’m not twelve for two months. So you are quite old. Anyway, it's lovely to see you. I thought that you had gone.’

She looked sad at that.

‘Well,’ I said, ‘you can’t get rid of me that easy Sally. Anyway, how are you?’

‘I’m alright now. Well I can’t hear out of one ear and I need glasses as my vision went funny, but other than that, I’m fine.’

Her hair was cut short and she had circles under her eyes. She looked pale but I could see that she was on the mend, but not quite there yet. I tried not to stare at the bandage on the side of her head, thinking that that must have been where she had the operation.

I changed the subject.

‘Have you met my other sisters?’

‘Sisters? Oh, the girls downstairs; yes, they are nice people. Ooh, I suppose that makes them my sisters too! I like Helen a lot, she’s closer to my age and she’s a lot of fun.’

I wondered if she knew about Helen and her unique position but it wasn’t my story to tell.

‘I thought that I had lost you.’ I said feeling suddenly a bit weepy.

She hugged me.

‘No Carol, I’m still here to pester you.’

I giggled through my tears.

‘So what do you think about the new me?’ I asked shyly.

‘Well, it's not really new, is it? You are not as pretty as me obviously.’

I giggled again and she joined in.

‘As I said before, you were always gentle and kind and liked to play with your younger sister rather than rough, smelly boys.’

‘I’m very old now, according to you, so I won’t have to play with you anymore.’

She looked at me through those impossibly long lashes.

‘You can if you like,’ she whispered.

I hugged her again, laughing.

‘Of course I will, silly!’

She sat next to me for a while and she told me a little of what she had been through.

‘I woke up in the hospital with a splitting headache. I had this horrid bandage around my head and I couldn’t hear from my left ear. I never will evidently. I couldn’t see properly, everything was fuzzy, my eyes have got a bit better but I will need horrible glasses from now on.’

‘At least you’re alive.’ I said.

‘Yes, and I’ve got you and Mummy.’

I sighed; I was so lucky to have my family back, but so many others had lost everyone. Look at Helen. Anyway, I wanted her to continue her story.

‘So, what happened after that?’

‘It took a while to get better. German soldiers were everywhere. If any German was ill or injured, the doctors had to treat them first. So many hospitals had been bombed, and the ones left had to take up the slack. My ward had twice as many patients in it than normal and there weren’t so many doctors and nurses due to causalities. I was lucky to be treated at all. According to Mummy, I could have died.’

‘Well, you didn’t and that is wonderful.’

She smiled and continued her story.

‘Mummy looked everywhere for you and finally, after she visited home and saw the crater and found your cap, we believed that you had died. I cried buckets over that. I still can’t believe that you are here, looking lovely.’

‘I’m not lovely, passable maybe.’

‘Stop fishing for compliments. Everyone says you are lovely. Just accept it. Anyway, you must be lovely as you are just a very much older version of me!’

‘Hmm, well anyway, what was your journey down here like?’

‘Things are still horrible. There’s lots of damage everywhere. People are homeless and there’s not much food about.’

She sighed. Looking quite upset.

‘We passed an internment camp on our travels. We had cadged a lift from a lorry driver in Launceston. He was a nice man and he gave me some chocolate, remember chocolate? It was yummy. Anyway, we passed the camp as they were releasing people. It was awful, they all looked starved and some were so sick that they couldn’t stand. They looked like civilians and there were quite a few women and children amongst them. I’ll never forget it. Mummy said that a lot of them were Jews. Why did they persecute them like that? Anyway, there’s upheaval everywhere and lots of confusion. Men are coming back from war and nothing’s organised. Mummy can tell you more.’

She shivered involuntarily.

‘When we finally got here, Mummy was so scared that Nan might not be here. We had nowhere else to go and when she knocked on the front door and this lovely girl in a pretty dress answered and the lovely girl was you, well you could have knocked us over with a feather! You went all white in the face and fainted. I tell you; I was close to fainting too! It was so unexpected. Mummy caught you as you fell, which was good as two girls in the family with head injuries would not be a good thing.’

‘Sorry, I fainted.’

‘Trust you to do something dramatic! Anyway, they took you upstairs and put you to bed. You were out for ages and they were so worried that they called that nice doctor. She said that you would wake up in good time and it was probably shock that kept you out of it. Anyway, you’re back with us now…’

Just then Mum came in.

‘Right Sally shoot off downstairs, tea is about to be put on the table.’

‘Ooh, that sounds nice!’

With that, she kissed me on the cheek and shot off downstairs.

Mum shook her head and looked down at me.

‘Ready to get up and dressed?’

I nodded.

‘Need a hand?’

I nodded again. I didn’t want to let her out of my sight.

Mum had seen me naked lots of times growing up, so I was never shy around her.

I was still a bit shaky and she helped me off with my nightdress.

She raised her eyebrows at the sight of my naked body.

‘Erm, nice breasts. I never thought I would say that to you.’

I looked down, they were small but prominent. I was quite proud of them and I wondered if other girls felt the same when their breasts began to grow, I would have to ask the others, I thought.

‘And you are definitely getting a girlie shape Carol.’

I felt myself go red for some reason.

‘What do you want to wear Dear?’

I went over to my section of the wardrobe.

‘You chose Mum. Us girls, we share clothes and there are quite a few hand-me-downs from the girls in the village. I picked some nice ones that I thought might suit me.’

‘Well, how about that pinafore dress and pink blouse? I want to go out for a walk with you after tea, so you can show me around.’

‘I haven’t tried that combination before, let’s try it…’

After dressing, Mum brushed my hair out and then put a pink ribbon in my hair as a sort of Alice band. I loved ribbons, they were so feminine and I think suited me. I think Mum liked the look on me judging by the smile on her face.

‘I never thought I would ever be helping you with your hair like this?’ she said as she finished.

‘Do you like to do it?’

‘Yes, it’s lovely to help my daughter look nice. I have two daughters to do this with now.’

‘When can I wear makeup?’ I asked

‘When you are a bit older. Don’t grow up too soon or you’ll miss it when it's gone.’

I didn’t argue with Mum but had a feeling that we might have that conversation again regularly!

Soon I was downstairs with the others and we had sausages mash and onion gravy for tea followed by jam roly-poly; lovely! How we could eat after the party food earlier, I would never know, but I definitely had an appetite for more.

The others didn’t say anything about my fainting fit and that was nice as it was a bit embarrassing.

It was a lively tea and I didn’t have to say much all the others had plenty to say. I was pleased to see that Sally fitted in very well with everyone and Nan and Mum had their own conversation going, although, with all the noise, I think that they may have had difficulty hearing each other!

After tea, I went for a walk with Mum. Sally wanted to do something with Helen involving dolls.

We walked along the narrow lanes in Polperro. It’s such a pretty place and near enough all signs of the occupation had now been removed. I was glad that Polperro had not been bombed. It’s such a pretty village. I was grateful that it had escaped any lasting damage.

It was so nice to walk about freely without the danger of being stopped, searched and ask for papers by the invaders.

Nan told us that only a handful of people had collaborated with the Germans in the village, only three to my knowledge, but I supposed there could have been a few more. One, Albert Roberts, had died in slightly mysterious circumstances. The two others I knew about, both young women, had fled with the Germans and would not be missed. I found out that, in other areas, a lot more collaborated and they were dealt with harshly when the Germans were forced to leave. I heard that there were a few cases of girls being tarred and feathered in London and Birmingham. I found that hard to believe and shivered at the thought of it.

I was so happy as we walked along in the sunshine. I know that I wasn’t a little girl, but I held my Mum’s hand tightly as if I was frightened to let her go. I was still getting used to her and Sally being with me when I thought that they were both dead. It was ironic that if I had stayed near home in London, she would have found me eventually. But instead, I had this mad idea to find my Nan and drag several girls down to Cornwall with me.

We eventually found ourselves sitting on the bench around the headland; a favourite place for me and where I met that young soldier a while back. I still wondered what had happened to him, but would probably never know.

We sat there quietly, each with our own thoughts. It was sunny but still a bit chilly and I was wearing my raincoat, as was Mum. Over to the west, it looked like it might rain at some stage as clouds were bubbling up, but you never knew what the weather would be like in Cornwall as it had a habit of changing quickly and it might be roasting hot later.

Looking out to sea, I saw quite a few merchant ships making their way across the English Channel in either direction. The sea was grey and a bit choppy. The waves were crashing against the rocks and it was somehow a comforting sound. Luckily, where Mum and I were sitting, we were sheltered from the wind which was coming from behind us.

I turned to Mum.

‘Are we going back to London?’

‘Do you want to?’

‘No, I love it down here.’

She sat there for a moment and then looked at me.

‘I have spoken to your nan about this. We have nothing left in London. We have no house, although it appears that we might get something back through the War Damage Commission. Also, we have some savings. We had life insurance on your dad and the funds I received are in my savings account, I also set up accounts in your and Sally’s names just in case something happened to me and you couldn’t access my funds. Luckily the Germans have left the banking system alone. What I’m trying to say is that we aren’t rich, but we have enough to get by. I would like to stay down here and if you and Sally are agreeable, that’s what we’ll do.’

‘Will we live with Nan?’

‘Her cottage is too small. We can find another one in Polperro, there are some available including a nice one fifty yards up the hill from your Nan’s. It was that traitor Albert Roberts cottage and I have heard that it’s going for a song. What do you think?’

I wasn’t too sure about living somewhere that he owned, but I was sure that I could overcome any objections if it meant that I could live so near to my Nan.

‘That sounds good.’

‘Now, this is between you and me for the moment Carol. How would you feel if I adopt Helen?’

I thought about it just for a second.

‘I would love that and anyway, I consider her to be my sister. We’ve been through quite a lot. She’s lovely and I know that Sally and Helen get on like a house on fire – oops wrong thing to say really, what with the war and everything!’

Mum laughed. I loved the sound of her laughter; I hadn’t heard much of that sort of thing for so long.

‘That’s good. Your Nan is going to ask if Claire and Alison would like to stay with her and if they want to be adopted by her as they have no parents either.’

‘ I love that idea! I’m sure they will. What about Ethel and Glad?’

‘Rose is trying to find out where their parents are. Things are still a bit of a mess, but there are ways of finding people through The Salvation Army and other means.’

‘That’s good, too many people have lost their loved ones.’

‘True. Now Carol, at the moment, you are officially still John and that is what your birth certificate says. Well, it would say that if it hadn’t been destroyed. It’s obvious to me that you are not John but Carol and you want to be that for the rest of your life. Is that right?’

‘Yes, I’m not a boy and never have been one. In my head, I’m a girl and that’s what I’m staying as. My body’s changing because I don’t have any testicles. Let’s face it, I could never be a father and the doctor has told me that I would never look much like a man and my voice won’t break like a normal boy. I know that I have to keep my erm, penis, but that is all. So yes Mum, I want to stay as a girl and I want to be Carol forever.’

‘Right, I thought so. You may not know it, but Somerset House where all records of birth, deaths and marriages were kept, was destroyed just before the end of the bombings in London. I’m pretty sure that we can have a new birth certificate issued easily whilst everything is up in the air. Would you like to have a new birth certificate in the name of Carol when the time comes to re-register?’

‘I would love that Mum! Can I have a middle name too?’

‘Of course honey. Have you any ideas?’

‘I would love to have my second name as Rose.’

Mum smiled.

‘Your nan would love that! Now, I think we should get back before the heavens open up.’

Well, this is about the end of my journal, I suppose. I need to get a new one for my continuing journey as I have only got a few more pages in my rather grubby notebook left to use.

I notice that the last entry that I had written was about two months ago. I have been very busy and it's surprising how fast time goes by.

Mum, Sally, Helen and I moved into Alberts cottage, known as Periwinkle Cottage about a month ago and we’ve been busy making it habitable. Albert lived like a pig and didn’t know the meaning of tidiness. He had loads of Nazi and Black Shirt rubbish and we had a great time, burning it all.

Helen promptly agreed to be adopted by Mum and is already calling her Mummy. She called her birth parents Mum and Dad, so there was a difference between her old and new life.

Claire and Alison were adopted by Nan, but still call her Auntie for some reason. They are all very happy. I still consider them to be my sisters and we see them all the time.

Ethel and Glad had a tearful reunion with their parents who luckily came through the conflict unscathed. They lived in London before and even though their house wasn’t damaged, large parts of the area where there lived were. We had the wonderful news the other day that they would be selling up and moving down here, away from all the carnage and that was great. They were looking for a property nearby and I couldn’t wait for them to move down so all of the sisters could be nearby.

As far as things were going on in the world. Communications and information are still a bit sketchy. What I do know is that Germany sued for peace and their armed forces were disbanded. Germany itself was split into several military zones. France in the southwest, the United Kingdom in the northwest, the United States in the south, and Russia in the east.

Trials would take place in Nuremberg for those who were considered to be guilty of war crimes. Many of what was left of the German High Command tried to escape before the end of the conflict to where it was assumed to be South America, using a warship that had not surrendered to the Allies. Rumour has it that the ship was sunk by a submarine off the coast near Skagen in Denmark waters, but there hasn’t been any confirmation of this.

There is to be a new parliament built on the ruins of the old one, but that will take time. At the moment there is an emergency cabinet under the control of those parliamentarians not killed in the raids, under the leadership of Clement Atlee, who was away at the time of the bombings.

In and around Aberdeen and Newcastle Upon Tyne, the news was grim. Apart from killing many people at the time, more were dying now from the fallout of those terrible dirty bombs and large areas around those cities were deemed to be unhabitable for many years.

Other countries were still in turmoil. Russia and China, in particular, were trying to use the uncertainty and leadership vacuum in certain countries to take power and spread their influence.
There is talk of a new organisation called the United Nations where it’s hoped that wars might be averted in future. I’m not holding my breath.

I’m not going to go into any more about what’s happening as trying to sort truth from rumour gives me a headache. Maybe one day we’ll all know the truth of it but for now, I was just glad that the Nazis had gone, hopefully never to return. I’m just a fourteen-year-old girl trying to sort out truth from fiction.

I do hope that things will go back to normal soon.

So here I am now, just waiting for the others to get ready. We are going to the beach in Looe. We are experiencing what they call an Indian summer and although it’s early October, it feels nice and warm. The bus will be arriving in about twenty minutes, The bus services started again about a week ago. Helen and Sally are always slow at getting ready to go out. Mum and us girls will be meeting with Nan, Claire and Alison at the bus stop. I’m wearing a sunny yellow dress and white sandals and carrying a cardi, just in case. My hair is being kept in place by a yellow ribbon, of course!

Looking in the mirror I can see a fairly pretty girl, with ever-growing breasts getting more pronounced as the months go by and a body that appears shapelier. I have a button nose with a light sprinkling of freckles and my hair is down to my shoulders now. I do love long hair, although it’s harder to dry after washing it.

‘Come on Carol, we’re going,’ shouted Sally, sounding a bit annoyed.

I smiled at my reflection, poked my tongue out and made a silly face.

Giggling, I shouted, ‘coming!’

Please leave comments if you have the time. Oh, and if you can, please do the kudo-thingie...thanks! ~Sue