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TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 20 MOTHER
Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64
This is a account from my mothers Journals I located while returning to the house that became my hell. I caution those readers that this may be somewhat disturbing. I had to write it based on what my MOTHER wrote. I did not now what she wrote prior to me finding these papers. This is over the course of many years here and had to condense it to a format that I could try and live with. It took alot for me to post this. The pain has racked me after reading these journals from my Mother.
May 1964 to may 1979
I began to feel a closeness to my new son, Glenn. he was so adorable, red lock of hair and blue eyes. He was just so cute. I was not blessed to give birth for the number of times my husband Murray and I tried to get pregnant. Adoption seemed the best oppertunity to start our quaint little family. We were deeply blessed when we were granted adoption of Glenn Dale. A cute name.
I totally devoted my time and energy in looking after him. I loved my baby. I began to feel ill very quickly. I went to the Doctor and I was deemed pregnant. I was going to have another child. I was ecstatic and thrilled. I told my husband of the news and he smiled. Our little family would increase by one. I had hoped for a girl this time as my husband had his son. I wanted a girl to watch grow up and get married.
I was elated that we had now a second son. Sure it dashed my hopes of a girl. he was healthy and beautiful. We named him Daniel. I preceeded to dote upon him and give him all the attention needed. My husband began to sense a strain with the family, mkore so with Glenn. He became dispondant and very shy. I never paid any attention to this at all. My world crashed when Murray cught Glenn in my clothes and that changed the fabric of our family. I became a scared girl. He took all his rage on Glenn and it would spill over to me after his rages. Their were threats made to me as well as some beatings. None as severe as those inflicted on Glenn. I was helpless. I was forced into feeding Glenn small ammounts of hormones. My birth control pills. I was helpless. I was lost. I was forced into protecting daniel over my Glenn.
The abuse continued on Glenn and I took alot of verbal and some physical. Murray had gone off the wall and I never bothered to stand up for my child. I had to protect the one I could to the best of my abilities. I spent many a nights crying silently as I heard the abuse of Glenn and was held captive by my own fate if I stepped in. I wish I could do more to protect him. Murray beat and then the rapes started on Glenn nightly and his body began to make subtle changes and I culd see breasts developing. I continued to give him my pills and never stopped doing it for fear of retaliation from my husband. I was scared.
If you ever so much as mentioned family secrets in and arround our town and community it would be over. I could not even mention it to my freinds I had in the PTA. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Murray invited Daniel to participate in the abuse of Glenn nightly and then the rapes. I cried silently when I heard the screams and sobbing from Glenn. I was so affraid for him and for myself. I began to realize that I had ignored the cries and felt really bad. Murray grew extremely agry when ever I brought up the subject and he remided me that " in so uncertain terms that Glenn was not ours and had to be punished and punished he will be."
May 2 1979
This went on for years and then it came to a abrupt end. The night of Glenns birthday. His small cake and small gifts that were given to him. were absolutely appaling, however I became a participant in this humiliation and demoralizing act upon him. I actually felt so sorry for him. I never told him I loved him and so wanted to hold him. I couldn't. I basically abandonned my son. Sure he was adopted, never the less he was mine and my husbands. I now realize now that he has left here and hope he does alright. I cannot be sure tho as I was told soon after Murray found him gone. I was somewhat releived and yet my heart sank. I then decided to place all my energies into raising Daniel. He became my life and would be til he grew up and left home. All I could do was hope that Glenn chose a path of freedom, survival. As I loomback now in refelction on the last 15 years. I have gone from elation to hurt to embarrassment to shame and even failure. I failed to protect Glenn. I was absolutely powerless to protect him.
July 20 1990
I still have terrible thoughts of what went on in my families life. I failed as a mother. I failed as a human being. I realize I may never see my son Glenn again. I can only pray and hope that he is well. Murray and I celebrated our anniversary and we never brought up Glenn. That subject had long since dropped. I aften wondered how he made out while on the run as I have never even recieved word from him on his whereabouts. I even tried to contact Jenn this week as I often did and she never knew where he was and never said that he was ever in contact. I knew that she knew what had gone on. She had too. Glenn was close to her as a sister would be to a sister. I guess in a sense if Glenn survived he would probably be a girl now or at least a reasonable imitation of one. His slim figure and his budding breasts sure made him look like one over the years. I feel sorry for him. I hope he is well. I have to go into the hospital now as I am to undergo some tests for breast cancer. I hope not. I cannot dwell on what happened. I have to deal with now and what may come to my future. Danny has left to roost, he works with the trucking industry. I am proud of him. Murray is here with me and well he is so caring and dotes over me now. I guess we have a pang of empty nest syndrome. We still have the farm and our community. I guess if Glenn or even Danny finds this then they might read it. I hope not. I know it will hurt alot of people and especially Glenn or whatever his name will be, if he survived. I really wonder tho. If he did great. if he didn't then God will have him as I couldn't help him and I just ignored the problem. I was wrong. I know that when I die, God may have some harsh words for me. Right now I do not care. I care about me right now.
***
I condensed alot of this to make it readable. There were some parts of her journal that were to painful for me to write here. I am still shocked after all these years that she was herslef a victim in all this. If I had only known. I still blame her for this mess especially the Hormones. I mainly blame my Father and yes I blame my brother. I have a deep rooted hatred towards them all for what they did to me. I can only portray this in the first person. I had to as I never knew exactly what she was thinking daily and over the course of months and years that this went on. I thank you dear readers for your comments on this and the many emails wishing for backgrounds. I was done so at a emotional strain on me. Thank you.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Comments
Melissa, Your Mom Went Through
Much of what you did, but she is still guilty. But I do hope that the other paid for their crimes against you.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
of two minds
I may be completely off base with my comments, in that I've never, ever been involved to any extent with such a situation, but Man! I've just got to say it:
Yes, Prairie Girl's mum was a victim, but from what I've read she was also a coward - and knew it. She had very difficult choices to make, but she knew what the choices were and she chose to prioritize her marriage and standing in the community over the life of her child. That was, in a word, selfish. Her husband's reaction was so over the top from the very get go, and yet she did nothing to prevent the unbelievably cruel treatment of their child that erupted seemingly instantly; I find it difficult to consider him as having been sane, more like a rabid dog. Granted, I can't really personally identify with the situation, but she knew she had options, options that would ensure the survival of her child, and she made no attempt to do so. I don't have words for that. She did.
He conquers who endures. ~ Persius
I praise you....
for not having to go through what I did and those thousands of others that were senseless victems in abuse. I never knew how she felt, nor was I old enuff to figure it out. I paid a price yes, she did too. I pitty her. I will never forgive them nor forget the hell that they placed me through. She prioritized way wrong, for nthat she paid her price, not good enuff in my estimation. My A**H**E father was the devil incarnate, he dserved everything he had comming too himm. I unfortunately could not have the strength to hit back and stand on my feet. My mother failed me and failed misserably. I appreciate your comments YW. Blessings to you.
Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)
They paid.....
a price but the heaviest price that was paid was me . I still live the horrors in my nightmares and I have revulsions when I hear of children hurt and or abused. I cry at that. I recognize their pain. I only wish I was there for them all. I paid the price of hate and a unprotected child. Thanks Stan. blessings
Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)
so sad
I can see she isnt so bad. she was very hurt by her sons hurting. I dont know what i would do in that situation. its clear any attempt to help you might have cost her life.
I am curious what ever happened to dan
My Brother.....
and I have not ever spoken to one another, so I have no idea where he is, and I really do not care. He was apart of this as much as the rest of them and I hope that he rots in is own personal hell. Yes I have alot of angst towards those that betrayed me and hurt me dearly, they can move on and I pay a heavy price to this day. I hope that in time I can heal, the scars will remain. I have some faith that things wll be better. I wrote my book on that premise. I also wrote it to help and hope to encourage those whom suffered much, will be able to gain strength and try and help others.
Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)
i know
perhaps you can get some legal justice on dan. like a lawsuit or charges. He needs to know what he did was wrong
I agree....
That option I have considered. However if I ws to ever get over this I have to do that on my own terms. I know that he will eventually pay the price for what he contributed here. I can only wish I knew where he was then I could unleash holy Hell on him. God will do that and I will have some kind of redemption here. I can only hope. Blessings
Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)
Abuse is often a leaned thing
Your brother is at high risk of becoming an abuser.
He needs to be tracked down and investigated for the sake of any children he is near.
So what if mom loved you, her actions prove overwise. I take it she never reconciled, never even left you a letter begging forgiveness for her cowardess and druggung you. How ordered her to to that?
Poor child.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Learned or not.....
was wrong and it was my FATHER whom ordered it from reading them. Took alot of strength for me to do that. I know he should be tracked down. Financially I have no resources to such a thing. And to me I best want to try and help those that have been abused, I have often thought John of inquiring on this issue. I will soon I imagine so that he pays some kind of price for his actions with me. Abuse begets abuse as they say and I wish for i9t to stop for all those like myself whom went through it. He will be caught and punished if he has not already been punished or worse.
Blessings
Mellissa (prairie_girl_64)