“Daddy, I know you love me.” Daddy paused and Mom asked, “Why did you say that?”

“Daddy I’m just teasing you.”

It is 6:30 a.m. and I begin to put my dress on again. “Mom is it true that I probably won’t wear this dress again.” Paul and I are to meet the others at Perkins for breakfast and then go to church wearing our prom clothes. Sis blushed when I stared at her, knowing she spent the night with Rick. Her smile told me it was a very good night for her. We went to the lady’s room where I gave her a clean pair of her panties. She smiled and said, “Thanks I had not thought of that.”

We went to the 9:00 a.m. service and sat in the main part of the sanctuary so others could see our gowns as we came in. I was very thankful that Lacy had fixed my hair. Many of the grandmas told me of different actresses I reminded them of. We were going to go home and fall asleep but I reminded Joyce of her promise to read a story to the kids at the hospital. We dropped Rick at his house and drove Grandma Grant’s Lincoln to the hospital. Joy read the Velveteen Rabbit story.

We drove to Grandma’s and she asked us to lay down a little while as it would be more than an hour before she could drive us home. Joyce took me by the hand to Grandma’s room where we took off and hung our gowns nicely. We laid down in Grandma’s bed for a short nap and woke up four hours later.

Grandma actually had cooked a large family dinner and our family and the Drury family, Mom’s sister, came over to eat.

“There just might be an occasion, but even then I’m not sure you won’t choose to wear something else instead. You are becoming quite girly in a good sense. Many girls don’t like wearing a special dress twice.”

The last week of school, the school received news from Missouri that I had officially graduated from 8th grade and my transcript was included. I was called to the guidance counselor and they registered me for the ninth grade for the next school year.

The last days of school Faith and Joy brought home information that I could still register for the town’s girls’ softball league and that I could also register for Summer Camp in July or August. Joy, Faith, Lacy and I talked about our options. Lacy and I were excited about going to Summer camp program that would have horseback riding. Faith wanted me to be in her league for softball.

Mom reminded me, “You still have to work three days a week at the Shoppe as part of your punishment and some to help pay for your clothes.”

Joy’s high school softball team made it to the state tournament but lost their second game. The girls playing in the summer senior high league were divided between several summer teams as were the high school girls from South Central High and the parochial schools.

“Mom what do you think I should do? Eighth graders going into ninth can play either in the Junior League or the Senior League.”

Hannah looked to Joy as well as me, “I’ll let you decide, but I think the Junior League would probably allow you to get more playing time and to become known as Janelle.”

Joyce spoke up, “The Senior League would have you play against more experienced girls. And any girl losing playing time to you will blame it on you really being a boy.” Joyce continued, “The important thing is to learn the basics, how softball is different from baseball and how your body is different.

“What does my body have to do with it,” I asked?

Joy smiled as she spoke to me, “Regarding softball as your breasts develop Jan you are going to have adjustment issues with throwing the ball, moving around and trying to hit the ball. If your pert buds are any indication you might have some sizable issues to deal with.” Joyce said giggling under her breath at this point.

“Mom, Joy just teased me!”

With a bit of a smirk on her face, Mom said, “Sorry but that is just reality of being a girl and sister. Developing, growing as a young woman is filled with various blessings and curses. Like I said you need to deal with it.”

I now had a half hour to get to the dress shop to work. I had worked only a little during prom and the end of school. Rachel and Jasmine were happy to see I’m back on a regular schedule.

It was after 7:00 p.m. when Caroline and Jenny Nichols came in and gave me a card. It was for a formal dance to be held at the Oak Creek Country Club. I quickly had some trepidation about going. Ms. Nichols cheerfully spoke up, “This will allow you to wear that beautiful dress. Remember I told you, I’d find an occasion you could wear it to?”

Jenny had run up to me with her arms open for a hug and I knelt down to receive her hug. I lifted her up and whirled her around once before I set her down again. “Thanks, Janelle, you are pretty as well as nice to me.” She took hold of my hand and stood next to me.

“Mommy said we get to wear our pretty dresses to the dance.”

I knelt back down and looked at Jenny. “My sister Joy said you use to be very shy.” Ms. Nichols walked next to her, knelt and hugged Jenny. “She is still quite shy, but she’s getting much better. You seem to have a way with her. I wondered if you would be willing to be with her during the week now and then during the summer. We’d be willing to pay you for your time.

“I know it might not be to the liking of a teenage girl but doctors say it would be extremely important to her opening up.”

Mom had told me this might happen. I knew I had an advantage over the Nichols. And I wanted more things of my own. I guess I have more of my natural parents in me than people think.

“I don’t know Ms. Nichols, I like Jenny but playing with her and being seen with a younger girl. I want to make new friends and not look like…”

“We were going to pay you $15.00 per hour but I’d pay even $20 or $25.00 an hour to get you to help her.” Ms. Nichols was ready to break into tears. It wasn’t hard even for me to see the love of a Mom for her daughter. I thought her heart would break if I said ‘No’.

Something clicked inside of me; I started to collapse myself and cry. I knew I couldn’t say yes to the money. “I’m sorry Mrs. Nichols…”

Jasmine interrupted me, “Janelle, you can’t say no and be so selfish.”

Caroline Nichols quickly became angry and snapped at Jasmine, not me. “Shush, Janelle has already helped Jenny so much. Don’t call her selfish or anything else!” And she had just gotten started.

“No, Ms. Nichols, Jasmine was right I wanted to be selfish and get you to pay me as much as I could get. I’m sorry but I can’t do that, that would be the old me. I’m sorry because Jenny is such a precious girl. And I was ready to play on a Mom’s heart. I let you ache that was not fair. Jasmine knew Mrs. Grant would be angry with me.

“I can help, but I can’t do it for the wrong reason or for money. But you’d need to know about me, I haven’t been a good person and I’m not what you think.”

Mrs. Nichols hugged and kissed her daughter while she said to me, “Your Mom, Mrs. Grant told me about you. I know you struggle sometimes to do the right thing like now. But I don’t think that is you or the girl my daughter opened too.” She took my hand and looked into my eyes, “Am I right?”

“You’re right,” I admitted, “but I don’t like the emotions and feelings of being a girl.”

Ms. Nichols smirked, “Welcome to being a girl. I don’t like crying either but those emotions often go with being a woman.”

“Now about the dance at Oak Creek, if you want some help in dancing or handling some of the people there, please let me know.”

“But I haven’t even caddied there. I won’t fit in. I don’t want to embarrass you or the Grants.”

The senior Mrs. Dooley came into the Shoppe with two younger women college or high school age. Our discussion ended and Ms. Nichols began to look at the clothes. Jenny followed me most of the time; sometimes she stood near and other times she held the side of my blouse.

Jasmine helped Mrs. Dooley and her college-age granddaughter, leaving me to help Mariah. Mariah was a little upset that her grandmother wanted her to wear a sundress or skirt when they were at the beach later in the summer. “Can you give me one good reason for me to wear a sundress or a skirt and top at the beach?”

She looked at me while I looked around to make sure she hadn’t asked someone else. Amused that such a pretty girl asked my opinion, I smiled and then thought. “Well if I saw you in a pretty sundress or outfit; I might think you’re with some guy. Unless I was really taken with you I’d be tempted but think twice before I approached you.

“I don’t think any girl should have just any Tom, Dick or Harry hit on her. Hopefully, your appearance would give you time to decide who you’re interested in.”

Mariah spoke up again, “Aren’t you a little young to be thinking how boys might hit on you?”

“Dah, you didn’t have boys hitting on you when you were younger than me?” I smiled as I led her over to a number of sundresses. I pulled out two similar sundresses, “Do you notice the difference between these?” Mariah quickly looked at the price tags.

“They’re about the same there. But if your Grandmother agreed to this one, she might not realize if you bought this one. I think it would be the sharper of the two for you.” Mariah took both into the changing room and agreed about which one to show grandma. It was not the one she bought and her Grandmother paid for.

While Jasmine checked them out, Ms. Nichols whispered, “You do have a mischievous side to you.”

“The one they purchased is still modest enough. I think it will be more than okay with her Mom. She shouldn’t flirt while her Grandmother is around anyway.”

“Will I have to watch you closely at the dance,” Caroline asked?

“I don’t think you need worry, I’m not a flirt yet.”

“My niece Cassidy said you flirted with boys since day one.” I thought, ‘Cassidy’?

“Lacy’s friend Cassidy Butler is she your niece,’ I asked?

“The same, do you deny what she said?”

“I didn’t flirt with them, they came after me. I’m still shy around boys, but somehow that attracts them.”

I didn’t realize it until Caroline remarked. I had taken Jenny’s ponytail out and brushed her hair out. Jenny went from looking eight to a cute ten or eleven-year-old girl. Jenny looked in the mirror and remarked that she liked it. She spoke up and told her Mom.

“You do look cute like that do you think you’d like it that way?” Her Mom looked to me, “A different hairstyle might help others to see the new Jenny.” I was afraid to ask, so I was relieved when Ms. Nichols talked about Jenny in the past. It was neat to hear but tugged on my heart.

To think just over two months ago neither Jenny nor her story would have meant anything to me. I tried to discretely touch my breast through my clothing, a reminder that I truly am a girl. Caroline hugged me from the side, “Yes that too means you’re a girl.”

It was 8:30 p.m. when Mom Grant stops to help lock up and to give me a ride home. The Nichols had left just before she got there. Several girls came into the store, a little before we were to close. I could tell at least one intended to shoplift from the store.

Mom said, “That goes for you other girls as well.” One girl had dropped a handful of necklaces and bracelets. The other girl said she didn’t have anything. The three were soon gone.

“You know we should let the police have one of these thieves sometimes,” Hannah said.

I told her, “They’ll probably help spread the word this is the wrong store to steal from.”

It was a Saturday morning with nothing special to do. I had been trying to act like life was normal now that I’ve been recognized as a girl. “Mom and Joyce, can I talk with you?” Mom already had her purse in one hand and her car keys in the other. Joy began to say “I have…”

I must have looked really down because they knew I was having trouble. Mom turned around and Joyce changed what she was going to say. She said, “It can wait if you’re ready to talk.”

“If I’m ready too, how did you know I had a problem,” I asked?

Mom spoke up, “All we knew was that you’ve been acting like everything is okay when seemingly it was not.” Joyce kicked off her sandals and sat up on the couch behind me with her feet under her. She started massaging my neck and shoulders. Mom went into the kitchen and later came out with three mugs of tea. By the time we were all settled, Joyce finished her massage and moved to form a triangle where we easily saw each other.

“Mom, this might sound strange. I know Dr. Shaffer said I’m really a girl and it is just paperwork to change things. I want to be a girl but I don’t feel like one inside. I am fifteen but I don’t know how to be one. I am still learning.”

“Now that you’re healed down there, I can’t wait till you spot like the normal girl you are.” Joy said, “It will be worse when you’ll complain about your water weight and feeling puffy.”

“Joy in a way I can’t wait until I am comfortable joking with you about this stuff.”

Joyce chimes in, “But what, don’t tell me you’re not a girl?”

“I am and I want to be a girl; I know I’m a girl. But I think like Ronnie; my experiences and my natural reactions have always been as a boy.”

“Mom, Ronnie’s thought of a tampon is to tell a girl to ‘stick it” or "if a girl is old enough to bleed… Well, I won’t say it. I feel embarrassed to ask you questions. I’m sorry for being so stupid, but it's the way I was raised. My Dad would even say those disgusting things to my Mom. You shouldn’t have to act like my mother; It's unfair to expect you too.”

“The unfair part of that male thinking,” Joy said. “Little Sis, its guys that wait until they are really lost to ask for directions or help. You woke up after surgery to hear you are a girl and then acted like you knew it all. You had eaten like a boy and now you have a boy’s gut. Thin yes, but now you need to exercise and eat a diet like a girl. I bet if you ran and exercised with me this summer you would look awesome, like the girl you are. Lord knows you are girly enough on the inside.”

Mom took my hands and the tenderness was there in her eyes as usual, “I think I understand what you are saying. And please, never again apologize about making me act like you Mom. I wasn’t going to tell you yet, but I think your Dad and I will be allowed to be your parents. This is not a problem you set upon me. I wanted to be your Mother ever since I knew what your biological Mom was really like.”

I broke down in tears hearing what Mom Grant said. I fell on my knees in front of her and hugged her putting my head into her lap like a little girl. I had dreamed of that ever since I was eight or nine but I never knew who I hugged. I only knew it wasn’t the mom I knew. I felt Joy’s head on my back and soon felt her tears seep through. I am such a lucky girl.

After a while, Mom spoke again, “Joyce and I have talked, knowing this time needed to come. We thought it might be good to have a girls’ weekend sometime at the shore. We would be free to have fun and talk girl stuff. What would you think about that?”

I said, “Okay except I don’t think I’d be ready to wear a girl’s swimsuit this summer .”

“Dah,” said Joy, “I don’t think guy’s swim trunks would be a good idea. You haven’t admitted it yet but you’re a tease and you seem to like it. I bet by the end of the summer you will have at least three swimsuits and a boyfriend or two.”

“Mom that is not true that I tease boys to like me,” I said. “It was bad enough to hear it at school. I shouldn’t have to hear it from my sister at home, please tell her to stop.”

I looked over to Mom expecting her to tell Joy to stop. “Janelle, I’ll ask her to stop, but you need to accept that you do it. If you want others to stop, I suggest you be more intentional about how you relate to boys.” I couldn’t believe it; Mom kind of sided with Joyce and others.

“I suspect you are not consciously trying to accept the girl we call Janelle has waited a long time to relate to boys. Mix that with boys vying to be noticed by the new girl and I think we see what has happened.”

“Janelle, can you tell Mom and me that there is no part of you that wanted boys to be interested in you?”

I tried to hurry and say “No!” But it wasn’t true. I hadn’t told anyone. I thought it started when Jenny first approached and talked to me. She saw me as a real girl that she could relate to. Ironic, we both became more than others saw. The first night at the Grants I wondered if Jenny saw me as a girl, might a boy see me as a girl too.

“Mom and Joy, what surprised me is that everyone thinks being attractive to boys is more special than my friendships with Lacy, Joy and you Mom. Yes, I like boys being interested in me. More importantly, I want to be a normal girl and I can’t do that without the help of you, Lacy and other girls. Grandma Grant has wisdom that touched through my baloney, but then she challenged me to be the girl she saw inside of me.”

“So should I include Grandma Grant in on our weekend away,” Mom asked

Joy spoke up, “I like the idea of getting together, and I liked our talk, but I’m going over to Rick’s. I wanted to ask you, Janelle, if you’d like to come. He has some cousins here for the weekend. Tera would like to go shopping and Jared. Well, let’s say I wouldn’t be surprised if Jared would be interested in meeting you. “

“I was hoping Rick’s neighbor, Johnny Briggs might come over. If he did, is there the possibility of someone else being with Jared, if we did something."

To be continued…