Part 8 b: Tragedy of the spirit.

I slowly began to wonder if I had made the right choices. Was I bad person for leaving when I did? Did the choice to leave make any sense to me. Being 15 when I left and being on the road for over a year now I wondered?. Have those choices I made a lifetime ago it seems , make any sense?.

I layed in bed one night wondering why all these questions. I soon relaized some of the answers. Yes, I made the right choice to leave. No the choices to life and survive on the street were not good choices. I would rather be here than face the wrath at home. I also knew I did not have a hom, let alone parent. None that would accept me nor love me. I always thought that it was a parents responsibility to love and nurture and protect there children from harm. I guess that never applied to me!. I suppose when I did decide to return home(the city), that there would be some form of consequences if I was ever found. I also wondered if I was really a bad person. did I make a concious effort to deflect or defend my self against insurmountable odds. No! I knew I never would have won any battles. I was a weak, uneducated child. I was beaten to the core of any existance, both physchologically as well as physically. Oh my word, I so hated them. I so hated for what I have become. I have learned life lessons now, I have learned survival. I wondered if I had or would be able to continue to life this life and see what lies ahead for me.I did indeed have instincts of survival. I had given myself freely to men and some women in prostitution and been payed for those acts. I have gained stregth. however I have lost so much more tha that. I began to wonder if I would ever gain my spirit back.

I walked arround the streets and picked up my tricks for the night. Some were generous, others were not. I was raped more times that I think I have ever been. Even when I was at home, the degredation I felt and still feel is insurmountable.

After 4 months at the eastern city, I further traveled east and began a lifetime of experiernce and made many street freinds. I also gained alot of smarts while in this rather large concrete jungle of glass and steel. It was a rich city, so diverse. Lots of limos, nice cars, fancy people in their designer clothes, much fancier than what I wore. I constantly shifted my small wardrobe from grey mini skirts to black mini skirts to the occassional pair of tight form fitting jeans. I was really well developed. my freinds say I have a 32 A cup now and I have never been properly measured. I guess at 5'11 134 I was damned sexy and glamorous. I always strolled areas where there were like minded "girls" amd "boys". I made alot of great people and learned from them on a nightly basis. The thoughts of guilt kept creeping into my head. What was a guilty about? My life actually, I erally hated my life, I hated whom I was and what I became. I could have had so many oppertunities. Yeah right....Not. living in that hell i would have killed myself soon I figured. I was still guilty and still hurt from all those beatings I had.

My life did not get any beter nor had it improved much since I was on the road. sure, I saw alot of nice places.Places I never knew existed. People I met. Sme were nice, others very rude and very ignorant. I guess it went with the times. I offened cried after my twelve to sixteen hour strolls and between all that I still had to find food. That was hard to do seeing how much I was doing every day. I had a full time job and well my body felt it and I was rail thin. I thougt and cried and was thouroughly stressed out over all of what I had gone through to this point. My oh My, I was stil a tenn for crist sakes. What life is this. Shit!. I was mature for a sixteen year old almost seventeen. Shit! why me.

I continued my stroll and my cross Canada excursion. I did this til I surpassed my seventeenth birthday. I celebrated that historical day by have a night of sex with one of my popular clients. He took me out to dinner and then to a movie. I bought myself my very first LBD and god did it feel great. I knew tony for a while and in the months I was in the concrete jungle, we met every night for some serious fun. We also talked about life, hobbies. I think if he was not a married man. He probably asked me to move in with him. I am not so sure I would have done that at all. I loved my independence. He was rich, drove a lincoln and always was freindly with me. He never pushed the limits like most of my clientelle. He was nice. On my birthday I told him I would meet him at my favorite corner at 5 and as expected he was on time. He was dressed really sharp, dark blue shirt and blazer with black pants. Really sharp. I wore my LBD with my 4 inch black heels. I did my makeup and my hair to perfection. This was a special nigth fr me and well it was certainly special for him as well. He told me how beautiful I was, how much he wanted to take me home. alas, he was married and that was a disappointment. I felt I was falling into infatuation with this guy. He treated me like the adult I was, even tho I was about thirty years younger than he was.

I seriously began to doubt my prospects after that night. I was told that I get out if I wanted too. I was told that there had to be a better life for me. I questioned that logic. Yeah right! Noth for me, small town girl, no life, no parents. Highly unlikely I would make a success for myself. I wondered tho I guess if I could make it. however those thought faded and I continued with my tricks of the trade. I was in the service industry. I had the demand for sex and the supply was endless. I guess my fear was so strong that I guess rejection of love. I felt loved when I pulled my sex acts every night. I was satisfied to a point. I would never be loved nor accepted as a person. I was a teen prostitute that wore girls clothes and on hormones to enhance my body. No where to go, life on the road would I guess continue. I would die doing this or maybe I could escape. My personal bet was on option number one. Was I destined to be alone...I beleive so. and I felt that it was true......

TO BE CONTINUED