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Image Credits: Divider licensed for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

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Chapter 12
 
It felt almost foreign to get ready for school Monday morning. I wore baggy jeans and a Nirvana long-sleeve jersey. I made sure there was no leftover makeup on my face and I removed the polish on my fingernails. I pulled my curly hair back and double banded it in the back. It still looked wavy, but not enough so to raise eyebrows. The hair in the back behind the ponytail was much fuller and so I added an extra rubber-band a little behind the first pair to reduce the volume. The only feminine articles adorning my body was the remaining toe polish and the pair of panties that I had underneath my jeans. I could have worn boy shorts, but I was getting to like the feel of the panties.

By the end of the weekend I had gained enough confidence in my in my appearance and performance to strut around without worrying about being singled out. However returning to my male world was much harder. I was walking to my classes scared stiff that my appearance or body movements were going to raise red flags. I had to catch myself on more than a few occasions from responding or sashaying around like a girl. It was more difficult than I expected to return to my boyish ways. I was concerned that I might be sending out subconscious signals.

Monday's school day seemed like 12 hours. I was so happy when the final bell rang and I was able to head out. I went straight home and stripped off my boy clothes and quickly changed to casual girl mode complete with some light makeup. I knew that was part of the plan, but it just seemed to relive my stress from the long day. Tuesday was much like Monday, but on Tuesday I chose to wear a skirt with a spring style tunic after school. I played with my hair a while and created a partially pulled back style like I saw on one of the girls at school. I borrowed a pair of long teardrop earrings from my mother to complete the look.

---I actually found it kind of fun to play around with my hair---

My world took a strange twist at school on Wednesday. A girl that I always liked, but never really had an opportunity to get to know, cornered me near my locker. Emily stopped me and asked if I had a minute. "Taylor, I have known you for a long time and it's crazy that we haven't ever gotten together. I know there have been whispers about you, and I am cool no matter what. I was just wondering if you might want to go with me Saturday night to a party. Claire Ashford is having a party at their massive lakefront house. I think there is even going to be a band." "A band at her house, wow." "Claire’s is calling it a birthday party. It is her 17th Birthday and she was in California for her sweet 16th." "That sounds pretty spectacular." "Yah, I was wondering if you might like to go with me there.." "Would I, that sounds great." "Does eight work for you?" "I can't believe I am saying this, but I can't go with you." "Already have a date?"

"Uh, it's not really that. I have a wedding I promised to go to."

"Someone in your family getting married?"

"It is more like a friend of the family and I promised to attend."

"Your loss."

"Maybe we could do something else."

"You never know. I hope you have fun at the wedding. I have to run to class now. Bye..."
 
 
I felt so dejected as she walked away. Any other time I would have jumped at going out with her, but instead I was going out as the date of a guy. It was a bizarre turn of events that was becoming almost the norm for my recent life. For a brief moment I had felt my testosterone re-emerge in my veins, before it all drained out. As soon as my Saturday night plans returned to my forethought, I realized how far I had fallen out of my male world.

I was still moping when I caught the bus home from school. I went directly up to my room when I got home, but decided to wait a while before changing. It was almost like I thought remaining a guy for an extra hour or so would prove something to myself. What little I knew about Emily I liked. I even picked up a couple of fashion tips from observing her. It just didn't seem fair and the twist of circumstances was almost impossible to imagine. I really had not had that many dates and my next one would be with a guy.

I was still in boy mode when my mother got home. She was surprised to see me doing my homework still dressed like I had been in the morning.

"Taylor, Why are you still dressed that way?"

"What way?"

"You are still in your male clothes. You know what I mean."

"It's because I am a guy."

"Yes honey, but you are supposed to be dressing as a girl when you get home."

"Mom, this is crazy. I am a guy and this scheme is ridiculous. Playing dress-up like a kid to get into college is for the birds. I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

"What's really going on? You were doing great. We are almost there."

"Where? The funny farm!"

"Tell me what happened at school today. This is not you talking."

"How am I supposed to have a life if I am dressed up like a girl most of the time?"

"Well honey, we had fun last weekend and you should have fun again this coming weekend."

"Fun! I am going to be some guy's trophy date. I should be the guy taking out a girl, not the other way around."

"Is that what this is about. Did you have a problem with someone at school today?"

"My problem is that this transgender crash course is creating chaos with my social life."

"Are you missing your friends?"

"It's more than that."

"I'm listening."

I proceeded to tell my mom about the girl at school. If it wasn't for temporarily putting all my effort into the college program, I would have jumped on the chance to go out with Emily.

"As soon as you get the recommendation you will have plenty of time to date whoever you like. This is the home stretch. Maybe you can call her and get together with her some other time."

"It sounded like a cool party."

"Give her a call later, maybe you can do something else with her. For a the time being your focus has to be on the program. If you don't put your best effort in, this could take longer to get the Doctor on board."

"I know. I am just a little down right now."

"It will be worth it."

"Assuming I get in."

"Be positive. Besides, I know this has not been all bad. This past weekend you were glowing. The girl with me at Northwestern was a happy and well balanced young woman. This all may seem unusual, but that was not a boy walking around in a Halloween costume."

"That was fun, but it is getting harder to draw the lines between my two worlds."

"You will figure it out soon enough."

"Or go crazy trying."

"Go get yourself dressed and we will have some dinner. I have a small surprise for you after dinner."

"For some reason, that scares me. I think I can wait."

Later after we shared a salmon fish fillet for dinner my mother went back out to her car to retrieve the so-called surprise. My suspicions were not far off base. The gift was in a garment bag with the words NeimenMarcus on the side.

"I bought two dresses at NeimenMarcus for you to choose between. I know that your sister Nina has some lovely Prom dresses, but this is your first formal event and I thought you should have your own beautiful dress."

"I should be buying a suit or tux for my first formal event."

"Let's not start that again."

"Okay, let me see."

Inside were two designer short dresses. The first was a blue sleeveless Jacquard cocktail dress by Nicole Miller. The second was a floral sheath dress by Lela Rose. Both looked gorgeous just dangling from their hangers. We had not even shopped at NeimenMarcus together, so I had not seen them before.

“Mom, these are beautiful, but I don’t need anything that nice for this one occasion.”

“Honey, I remember buying Nina’s first formal dress and you deserve something special too.”

“Thank you, even if it is illogical. How did you even know what size to get?”

“You tried on enough dresses at Bebe and the other shops for me to get a good idea.”

“I still can’t believe I am going to wear one of these to a wedding.”

“The bride will probably be jealous. Now let’s see you in them. You only get to keep one.”
 
 
The dresses were the ultimate in femininity. As much as I wanted to temper my excitement, I couldn’t resist trying them on. Both caressed my body and pulled me back deep into my desire to look pretty. The two dresses looked very different on me, but we liked them both. The Nicole Miller dress had a more sophisticated cocktail party look and the Lela Rose dress was more youthful and festive.

I tried them on with a pair of Nina’s off-white strapped pumps. I became infatuated with my own image in the full-length mirror. I was attracted to my appearance, but there was something more to it. I was fascinated by how each dress brought out the most in my natural femininity. It was so hard to decide on which one to keep. I asked my mother to choose, but she wanted me to make the choice.

“I want you to select how you want to look. Each dress is a kind of statement and reflection of your current personality.”

“Don’t make it even harder to pick.”

“Take your time.”

“I think I am going to go with the floral one. I love them both, but the sheath dress looks more appropriate for a wedding and makes me look more innocent. The blue dress is beautiful, I think it would look nicer for more of a New Years Eve cocktail party. It’s a tough choice, but I think the Lela Rose is more my style.”

“Your style... okay then, it's that dress...the decision has been made.”

“It’s so much easier to be a boy. The choices are so limited.”

“That’s part of the fun. Now take the dress off so you don’t ruin it. Your time to show it off is only a few days away.”

I hung the dress on the outside of my closet. I probably should have put it in the closet, but I enjoyed looking at it. It distracted me from focusing on my homework. I started to think about what accessories would look nice with it and what color I should put on my nails. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be going to the wedding, but then I would convince myself that as long as I had to go, I should look my best.

As I was preparing for bed I finally remembered that I was going to call Emily. It was now too late. I had been so distracted by my own vanity that I forgot to call the girl that only hours ago had gotten my attention.
 
 
At school Thursday, I saw Emily hanging with some guy in the cafeteria. I guess it didn't take her long to move on from my missed opportunity. I still was going to look for a chance to talk with her and make some alternative plans. With a new guy in the picture it might just have to wait. It still hurt a little, but I tried not to get upset over it.

Thursday evening my mother informed me that I had another Lulu appointment for Saturday afternoon. This was a more crowded time of day, but she wanted me to get a fresh polish change and have Lulu put my hair in a festive set. It would be a short visit and probably finish up about a half hour before Jake planned to pick me up. It would leave me just enough time to put on my party dress before he arrived.

Thursday evening after I had finished my homework I got bored and did a little web surfing. I am not sure what possessed me, but I Googled weddings. I clicked on the image search and immediately I was deluged with wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses and all types of romantic celebrations. I was found myself transfixed on the bride and bridesmaid images.

When I was younger and had secretly tried on my sister’s bras, it had been an attempt to feel feminine and pretend to be a girl. Seeing these photos reminded me of that urge. These images were the ultimate in feminine splendor. There was nothing more female than seeing a beautiful woman in her wedding or bridesmaid dress. Here I was dressed as a girl getting turned on by the fantasy of looking even more feminine. I must have flipped through more than a hundred pages of wedding images. I started to pick up knowledge of styles for the bride and her wedding party. I abruptly quit my surfing when my mother told me I had a call.

"Who is it Mom?"

"Your boyfriend!"

"What?"

"Jake"

As if he could see me, I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Hello"

"Taylor, is that you?"

"Yes, Hi Jake."

"I just wanted to make sure you are good to go for Saturday."

"Yes, We found something I could wear, so I should be fine."

"I wouldn't care what you wore as long as you came."

"You're silly, I look forward to seeing you too."

"What are you doing now?"

"Just finished my homework and doing some girl things. Nothing you would be interested in."

"You are a girl and I am interested in you."

"You are funny. You have no idea how hard it is to be a girl. You should try it sometime."

"I'll leave that for you. I hope I am man enough for you."

"Well, I am going with you Saturday."

"That's all I needed to hear. We should have a great time."

"It's my first wedding in a long time."

"I'll have to keep you away from the bride so she doesn't get jealous."

"Now you are being crazy. Save some of your compliments for after you see me. Then maybe I will believe you."

"Okay then, see you at 5:30."

"Look forward to it, bye...."

I was still standing when I hung up the phone. I had been unable to stop myself from playfully flirting with him. I kept digging myself deeper into a hole. I was going to have to try harder to think straight when I was with him at the wedding. Playing around like this could get me in a compromising position. I had to avoid that and politely end his infatuation.

Friday flew my quickly and the big day had arrived. I had not even thought about my appointment with Dr. Gordon. She was the reason I was doing all this and yet my mind was elsewhere. In the morning I dressed in tights and a sweater dress. I wore my shiny clogs and some hoop earrings. I put on some daytime makeup and combed my wavy hair so that it looked reasonably attractive. I liked my reflection on the closet mirror because I looked natural. It looked like how I felt and not like a disguise. I didn't even feel the need to add or subtract any items for the Doctors benefit. I was just presenting a version of me.

I am pretty sure the Doctor immediately picked up on how confident I was becoming in the girl role. She commented how much more at ease I seemed.

"Did you spend a majority of your time exploring your possibilities?"

"When I was not at school I was almost always pretending to be a girl."

"Pretending is an unusual choice of words. Do you feel like you are pretending right now?"

"It's easier now. It doesn't feel so foreign."

"Do you like how you feel?"

"It's not so bad."

"You still seem reluctant to be completely honest with yourself. I think you have done great for only one week. Most people have a tougher time at the beginning of their transition."

"Yes, the transition from boy clothes to girl clothes is very challenging, but I have worked hard at this all week. My mom has been teaching me all sorts of stuff I never knew. Pretending to be a girl is a lot tougher than just wearing girls clothes."

"Especially if you keep thinking of it as pretending. Tell me about what you did this week."

I am sure the Doctor did not often get surprised, but I know she was thrown for a loop when I told her I had an engagement with a boy coming up this evening. She was fascinated that I had already been comfortable enough around a boy to find myself out on a date. I tried to not describe it as a date, but rather as a get together. She probed me extensively about my emotional feelings about dating. She was interested in not just my pending rendezvous, but also how I felt on past dates. I did not have any juicy stories to relate to her. I had gone to homecoming and a few movies with girls, but I never really had anyone I would classify as a regular girlfriend. I slipped in a mention of Emily and how I planned to call her sometime soon. She gave me a quizzical look when I mentioned that.

I did a poor job of explaining how this wedding get together materialized. I tried to convince her that I didn't really want to go, but she was skeptical of my story. She also asked me if I was nervous. She smiled when I told her that I was kind of nervous because I did not have a lot of experience dating. She told me to just be myself.

When we were done discussing my evening plans she asked if I could come back Wednesday instead of waiting until next Saturday. She was anxious to hear how the wedding went. I agreed to see her again Wednesday at 5:00.
 
 
Chapter 13
 
When we returned home I wished that I didn't have so much time to kill. It wasn't my desire to go out, as much as the waiting seemed to build my anxiety. A big part of me was excited to get dressed to the nines, but this was dark territory for me. I had no clue how I was going to handle that environment.

After what seemed like forever, I began my preparation. I took a long shower and shaved the almost non-existent hair on my legs. Though I was not going to wear my new dress to the salon, I selected a very feminine sleeveless dress and did a nice job of applying makeup to my face and brushing out my long hair. I was going to get the full treatment, but I wanted to show up looking the part.

At the salon I received double barrel attention. While Lulu worked her magic on my hair, I had my nails done. My hands glistened a rosy pink shine. My hair was put into a formal and equally sexy cascading style. Both side were partially pulled up towards my crown with clips and the hair cascade down on the backsides and in the rear, I had just a few strands cascading down in the front. My makeup was replaced with a sophisticated evening look. My eyelashes were made extra long and thick to stand out from the heavy dose of blended eye shadow. My cheeks were aglow with blush and my lips perfectly matched my nail polish. With every stroke of makeup, I was made to look more desirable. Even in the less formal dress I was wearing now, I would have looked appropriate at the wedding.

When I sashayed out of the salon I had an extra bounce in my step. As much as I knew I had to keep my transformation hush hush, I was dying to go for a walk and put my new glamour on display. I couldn't believe how much I was enjoying my new image. It was probably good that I was under a tight schedule and needed to go home and make final preparations for the wedding.

My mother helped me get changed and she picked out some matching jewelry. The diamond earrings she inserted in my ears were the ones she wore at her wedding. They were a family heirloom and had a classic emerald cut. They probably were worth more than most women’s engagement rings. I had seen her wear them only a couple of times and I knew how much they meant to her.

"Taylor, I only take these out of the box for special occasions. This is a big night for you. My little girl is growing up."

I thought about rebutting her comment, but I knew she was trying to make this experience special for me so I smiled and gave her a hug. I could see what looked like a small tear in the corner of her eye.

"Mom thanks for helping me get ready."

"You look perfect. Are you ready?"

"On the outside I know I am ready. It's the inside that I am not so sure about. I feel wonderful right now, but the date thing scares me. What if he wants to touch me or something?"

"Honey, he's a boy, so of course he is going to want to touch you. You will probably have to dance with him. Just relax and let it come to you. If you get uncomfortable just remember the word...NO. He comes from good stock, so I am sure he won't be aggressive."

"God, I can't believe I am going out with a boy."

"I think I just heard him pull up. Go to your room. I want him to come in so I can see the expression on his face when he sees you."

"Really?"

"Go go... please do that for me."

I heard Jake enter the front door, but could not make out the conversation he had with my mother. A couple of minutes later she called for me to come. My heart was racing as I made one last check of my appearance. I painted a big smile on my face and worked my way down the hall.

Jake was looking at his shoes as I entered the room. As he began to look up I could see his expression turn to joy. I cocked my head slightly and said, "Do I look okay?"

"You are beautiful, no make that gorgeous, all I can think of is that you look amazing."

"Thank you, you look pretty good yourself."

"Right now I feel like the luckiest guy in the world."

"Stop, see if you still feel that way later."

"I know I will. I am so glad you were able to go with me."

"Just don't let me embarrass myself."

"I'll do my best.... Mrs. Dawson, it might be a little late, but I will bring your lovely daughter straight home from the wedding."

"Thank you Jake. Would you mind if I took a couple of pictures of you two together?"

I gave my mother a pursed look, but I stood next to Jake for about 4 or 5 photos.

"Mrs. Dawson, if it would not be too much trouble could you email a couple of them to me. I will write down my email."

"No problem Jake. Make sure you show them to your father. I would be curious what he thought."

"Gladly, he has been looking for an excuse to call you."

"I am only so happy to help him."

"Mom! We need to be on our way."

"Taylor dear, wrap this around yourself so you don't get too cold."

As we were prepared to leave the house Jake reached out for my hand in a very polite social gesture. I instinctively grabbed his hand as he walked me to the car. It was the first time anyone had ever walked me to a car door and opened it for me. This gentleman was treating me as his prize. Everything about this evening was a first and at this moment it did feel special.

In the car Jake filled me in on some of the people I would be meeting. Since this was the other side of his divorced parents, I would be meeting his mother. I had not thought about that, but I knew she would be giving me a very close once-over. If anyone would be able to see through my feminine appearance it would certainly be her. I was confident, but did squirm a little when he mentioned this.

I had practiced walking on heels, but I still felt a little awkward as we walked from the car into the Four Season's Hotel. This was a very luxurious place, which was obvious immediately upon entering the lobby. Jake once again held my hand tightly, which was a continual reminder that we were a pair. At the guest table we received our table assignment and we were placed at a table with 4 other young couples. I was grateful that we were not sitting with his mother. The schedule called for the wedding, followed by a cocktail hour and then dinner and dancing.

Inside the reception area many cousins quickly greeted Jake. They were very interested to see whom he had brought. I was thrust into the center of everyone's attention. I met so many people and couldn't keep up with all of their names. Everyone wanted to know how long we had been dating and how we met. It was uncomfortable to explain that we hardly knew each other. Jake just chimed in that despite our short courtship, he immediately knew there was something special about me.

I played along, as it seemed the path of least resistance. I gave him a giant smile and he returned my enthusiasm with a soft peck on the cheek. It was very innocent, but I could feel my blood rushing as the grip of our hands firmed. I also felt a slight stir between my legs.

After a few minutes of group conversation Jakes first-cousin Jana started to engage me directly. She was anxious to learn more about me and to find out if we had any mutual friends. She was very big into dance and theater and rattled off three names I knew from school. None were real friends, but it scared me that she knew people that might know me. She was very friendly, but her social geography was way out of my league.

"Jake is a really nice guy, but I was still surprised to see him show up with someone like you."

"Like me?"

“His last couple of girlfriends were real bitches.... I have no idea what he saw in them. You seem almost too nice. You are friendly and way cuter than his past girlfriends.”

“Jake seems nice too, but we really haven’t been going out. I only met him recently.”

“That may be, but he sure is smitten by you. I know that look in a guys eyes.”

“Thanks for the warning. By the way, I really love your dress.”

“I am the Maid of Honor. Too bad Jake didn’t meet you sooner, maybe you could have been a bridesmaid.”

“That’s kind of funny, but thanks.”

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing really, I’m just nervous being here as a guest.”

“Don’t be. Have you met Jake’s mom yet?

“Not yet.”

“I am sure you will hit it off. Just don’t mention his Dad. That is still a sore point.”

“Thanks again for the advice.”

“I like you, I hope we can chat more later. I have to run now to get ready for the precession.”

“Bye for now. I should get back to Jake anyway.”

Jake was only about 10 feet away during the conversation with his cousin, but in the crowded room it seemed further. When I made my way back he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in closer. As Jana had indicated, there was no doubt how Jake was thinking about me. I liked the attention, but I knew it was a path I had to avoid.

"Taylor, you are being a good sport and everyone already seems to like you. Lets go find a seat for the ceremony."

"That's a good idea. I'm not used to wearing heels and sitting would feel good right now."

We sat near the front and before we could get settled in, Jake's Mother sat next to him.

"Well Jake, I think I am the only person who has not met your girlfriend."

"Sorry mom, we weren't avoiding you. This is Taylor."

"Hello Mrs. Franklin, I am very happy to meet you. It is so nice to be here with you and your family for such a joyous occasion."

"Weddings are always wonderful times." With a friendly smile she added, "My Jake is only 18, so the two of you should not get any strange ideas."

"Mom! Taylor is pretty enough to be a bride, but we are just getting to know each other. Please don't tease us."

"Sorry Taylor, but all week Jake has been talking about you. You certainly made an impression on him. So far you have made a nice one on me too. I am glad you could join us."

"Thank you. Everything tonight is like a new experience for me in so many ways. I don't know anyone other than Jake here, but everyone has treated me like family."

“I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening and I get to see you around.”

It had been a few years since I had attended a wedding and my memories of it were not that vivid. I did recall the bride with her long flowing gown, but not much else. This time I was already taking in the beautiful details of the room and all of the attendees. The men were all dressed in dark suits or tuxes and the woman were all dressed exquisitely. My dress fit in beautifully, but I was still somewhat intoxicated by seeing all of the other formal dresses and gowns. The women were all so lovely, but I was thinking more about how I measured up, than how hot they looked. I even had a momentary tinge of jealousy when I saw one particularly pretty woman catch a glance from Jake. I could understand why he might notice her, but for a millisecond I was upset. He did not linger on her distraction and quickly turned his attention back to me.

The wedding affected me more than I anticipated. I was moved from the moment the precession began. When the Bridesmaids and Maid of Honor came down the white runway, I actually did wish I were one of them. They wore matching red satin gowns that accentuated all of their natural girlish curves. I couldn’t take my eyes off the Bride as she slowly moved past us. She looked angelic and her dress was stunning in both detail and style. She was the star of the show and she looked the part. All eyes were transfixed on her, including the groom’s. I took a couple of extra deep breaths to relieve some of the emotion that had overcome me and to regain my grip.

When they were pronounced man and wife. I almost squealed. My enthusiastic smile came naturally and I was one of the last to stop applauding. All of the new stimulations were giving me an overload of hormones and I had very little experience managing them. I had held Jake’s hand during the ceremony and he commented to me later that his hand was sore from how firmly I had squeezed it as the Bride moved by.

We had about a 10-minute break before we had to make our way into the Ballroom for dinner. We just stayed in the chapel area and let the other guests work their way into the Ballroom. It was the first time I had been alone with Jake since we gave his car to the valet.

“So Taylor, are you glad you came this evening?”

“The wedding was magnificent. I was mesmerized my the ceremony. They looked so in love.”

“It was very beautiful, but then so are you.”

I was still feeling the rush from watching the pageantry, but I could still feel myself blush at his direct compliment.

“It’s hard not to be moved by seeing the love and romance on display. Jake, did it move you too?”

“It was inspiring.”

“How so?”

Jake then looked deep into my eyes and put his left hand behind my neck. In what felt like slow motion he tilted his head and softly pulled us together until our lips met. After a quick touching of the lips he looked again into my eyes to make certain I was ok. I was motionless as he moved back in for a much longer and passionate embrace. When he broke off from that kiss I could still taste him on my lips. I was not upset, but I could feel my body pulsating and at the same time experience an unusual numbness. I had kissed a couple of girls before, but this felt different. I was never overcome by the feeling before and this came very unexpectedly.

“Taylor, when I saw the bride and groom kiss, I could only think about doing the same thing with you. I hoped you felt the same way."

"Jake, you caught me by surprise."

"Was it a good surprise?"

"I am still trying to figure that out. I have never kissed anyone like that before."

"That's sounds like a good thing."

"It was nice, but you don't know anything about me. If you really knew me, I doubt you would feel the same about me."

"I can't imagine there is anything evil or bad that would make me feel otherwise. As long as you feel the same, that is all I care."

"It is not that simple."

Instead of responding with words, Jake stood me up, pulled me in, and then kissed me as passionately as we had just observed in the wedding ceremony. I found myself responding and not just complying. I was kissing back and moved my hands behind his back. There was no mistaking my affirmative response.

"It seems pretty simple to me."

"Jake, I shouldn't be doing this."

"You are confusing me, but I can handle whatever is bothering you. I know we both want this, so don't worry."

"It's complicated and that's all I can say now. I really like you, but let's slow down."

"I am in no rush as long as we eventually are together. There is something different about you that is just driving me crazy. You are such a special girl and I don't want to blow it."

"Let's go join everyone else at the tables."

"Whatever you want Taylor."
 
 
Sitting at the table, the gravity of my situation began to sink in. I had kissed Jake and almost as importantly, I had liked it. I was no longer just living out my adolescent cross-dressing fantasy. It was also not a gay thing; rather, I truly felt like a girl and was attracted to a boy. I was so alive when Jake kissed me, but I knew we were ultimately doomed. My emotional high was now crashing and the adrenaline was now fading. I was now quickly becoming much more subdued and considerably less outgoing. I became stunted in my conversation and let Jake do most of the talking for us. I periodically looked into his eyes and smiled, but I tried not to get too emotional with him. I was fighting my internal desire to be Jake's girl.
 
 
When the meal and the speeches ended the Bride and Groom moved to center-stage for their fist official dance. Shortly after that many of the other guests made their way onto the dance floor.

In an attempt to be both formal and cute, Jake reached for my hand, then asked "May I have this dance with my Cinderella?"

I thought his question was sort of humorous, because I did feel a lot like Cinderella. I was dressed for the ball, unlike I had ever been before and I would soon be transforming back to my former secretive existence. I could not turn down his request even though it would take me further into his lair. I wanted him to hold me, but I was digging myself into an even deeper hole.

Our first dance was an old fashion waltz. Our bodies were intertwined as one, while we glided across the dance floor drinking in the music. My hand wrapped around his waist and I was certain he could feel my heart pounding. As hard as I resisted, I so wanted to feel his body against mine and feel the caress of his lips once again. I had lost any straggling ounce of my manhood and was caught up in our romantic embrace. The entire evening was like a giant epiphany. I had written a new chapter in my life that would never be able to be unwritten. My old gender paradigm would forever be altered.

With each beat of the music, I further lost my inhibitions. When we finally sat down, I thanked Jake and reached over and gave him a kiss across the lips. Jake's cousin Jana, which I had spoken with earlier, commented about my gesture "get a room."

I had never felt so romantic about anyone like this...boy or girl. I never wanted the feeling to go away, but the evening was coming close to the end. After tonight, I would be forever changed, even though this path was rapidly approaching a dangerous cliff. I wanted everything tonight to be real and at least for now, I wished I were truly a woman.

As we made our way to the valet, we walked with our arms around each others waist. Inside the car Jake began to express how wonderful it was spending the evening with me. He added that I was so beautiful and I made him feel so lucky. I was obviously not the only one that had experienced an amazing evening. We both felt the passion and romance, but my deception was impossible for me to completely erase from my mind. I wanted Jake as much as he wanted me, but we were destined for disaster.

"Taylor, I can't wait to see you again. I wish we went to the same school so I could see you everyday. We don't live that far apart, but I have never dated anyone from a different school."

"I haven't either Jake and I am not sure if we can do this."

"Do what? You do feel like I do, don't you?"

"Well yes, but as I said before it's complicated."

"Whatever is the problem, we can work it out together."

"Jake, let's just remember tonight and maybe we can go from there."

"As long as you promise for us to go from there...."
 
 
The drive home was quick and the conversation was minimal. We listened to some Demi Lavato and Jason Mraz music as I contemplated my situation. Every time I was close to saying something I lost the strength to spit it out. I never felt so appreciated or special as I did that evening, but I hated the truth that I wished was not so.

When we pulled into my driveway I felt like a different person than the naive teen that had left the safety of home only a few hour earlier. My path was no longer being driven by my college plans, but rather my heart. I may have been the last person to realize it, but the person that Jake desired was not in a disguise. This was the person I truly was meant to be.

The evening was coming to a close as Jake walked me to the door. We held both of our hands together as we stood under the dim night light on the front porch; before I slid through the door we shared one last slow lingering kiss. There was no mistaking the passion that we both felt as we gradually broke the seal of our lips. I wished him a good night and disappeared into the house. I stood almost frozen inside the door contemplating the circumstances. I could feel my lungs breathing.

"Welcome home Taylor. I don't think I need to ask if you had a good time."

"Mom, you scared me."

"Sorry Honey, I just wanted to wait up until you got home."

"Mom, I am so confused!"

"I know Honey. It must be challenging to experience all of these new emotions so quickly after discovering yourself. It's Okay to be confused."

I immediately embraced my Mom. It wasn't what she said, but I needed the comfort of her arms to stabilize my rush of emotions. Almost as quickly as our bodies met I began a flow of tears from my tired eyes.

"What's happening to me? I really want to be a girl... I'm so screwed up!"

"Nonsense... There is nothing wrong with you. If that's what you truly want, it's Okay."

"But Mom, I am a boy."

"Honey, if a girl is what you were meant to be, than you will just have to blossom into a girl."

"I should never have dressed up like this."

"Taylor, I always suspected that deep down inside you that this girl was screaming to emerge. This College program was just the right recipe for you to figure out if I was right."

"How did you know I felt so strongly about this? Even I didn't."

"I couldn't be sure, but I knew about your little hobbies and I always saw little clues. I thought letting you experience a little of this for alternate reasons would give you a chance to determine your fate on your own. With each passing day along this path I became more certain that you wanted this."

"I don't know what this all means or what to do."

"We will work it out as a family and your sister and I will support you all the way."

"I kissed a boy."

"I saw"

"And I liked it!"

We both began to smile after my last comment.

"Why don't you run off and get yourself ready for bed. Make sure you remove all of your makeup and moisturize. We will discuss this all tomorrow after some sleep and a chance to process it all."

"I think I am sleeping now... This is all like such a strange dream.... Tomorrow we have a lot to talk about...Good night Mom."

"Good night young lady."

Chapter 14:

Much like Cinderella, my life was forever altered. I had to return to being a boy, but the old life would never return to the same. The transition to college could not happen fast enough. Applying to the TSA program started as a strategy, but now was now something that would provide an important and lasting personal benefit.

The weeks and months ahead saw more changes to both my psychological and physical persona. Each day less and less of the masculine traits could be visible to schoolmates or in the mirror. I still attended school as boy, but by early summer after my junior year I began a program of HRT. The plan was that after graduation I would begin life full time as a girl that I now was certain that I was destined to be.

Initially, the chemical focus was to mostly retard testosterone production, but by early fall the hormones supplements were dramatically increased. The physical changes were quickly catching up to the now dominant psychological ones. Technically, I was still enrolled in High School as a boy, but pretty much everyone knew about the transition. To those who did not know me, I was pretty certain I "read' girl. The school even made a few special adjustments to acknowledge that I was not like other boys.

Most of my closer friends learned of my personal desires long before the school was brought in. The remaining spring of my junior year was life changing and not without challenges. Dr. Gordon became an important person in my life and helped me deal with many stressful and often painful emotions.

Jake had unwittingly been drawn into my story and the results were not all fairytale.

Taylor's first cousin Jana that I had met at the wedding discovered my true identity the day after the wedding. We had become friendly at the wedding, but her curiosity about me quickly uncovered the truth. She was not malicious, but Jake learned about my birth gender before I even had a chance to follow up on our romantic evening.

I spoke with Jake the next evening, but we were both at a loss for words. He treated me with respect, but the chill between us was the complete opposite of what we both experienced only a few hours earlier. My life had been riding a treacherous roller coaster and my first love was an unfortunate casualty. I had learned a lot about myself in such a short time, but reality had begun to expose some of the issues and potential heartache that would greet me along the road ahead.

Jake and I spoke again a few days later, but the romance never returned. It was probably a good thing that he went to a different school and we were able to avoid potential awkward interactions. Jake kept our evening between us and I was able to return to my life and slowly work through a longer-term strategy.

As I write these final words, I should add that I have gotten into Northwestern. A new chapter in my life is almost ready to begin. I am hopeful that some day I will become a Doctor and also find the romance that was kindled that special day...