Bridges 32

Chapter 32

Mornings are getting to be really wonderful things. It’s been about two weeks since our wedding and the amazing reception and the gathering together of friends and family. We’re taking this time as our Honeymoon because Cass just got reassigned to do some special security work down in Vancouver with the whole twenty ten Winter Olympics.

It’s a special duty thing since she’s pregnant and this’ll be more organizing stuff than patrols and field work. That’s good less stress is always good for the baby and the Mommy.

I wake with a smile and my arm around my wife.

Wow two weeks in and it’s still amazing to have that thought. I run my fingers very lightly over her small beginnings of a baby bump it’s amazing that she’s changing like that. I mean it’s not really a bump more of that whole muffin top kind of thing right now but Cass was pretty fit and in shape and I know her body really well so yeah it’s there.

It makes her move a little and mumble cutely in her sleep. I love that little things that she does even the ones that she doesn’t know that she does. I pull my arm away lightly and just close my eyes and sort of just slowly rub my legs closely together and there nothing in the wrong place…there’ll be nothing in the wrong place ever again.

And it’s not so much a whole bursting full of joy I’m a woman thing as just sort of enjoying being right.

I slide carefully out of bed and pad across the room and get dressed. My Nike shape gear and sweats over them and I take my meds before heading downstairs. I make a pot of coffee and let it run as I grab a calcium chew and scarf down a few vitamins and two granola bars and then grab my jogging pack and head to the porch and get into my windbreaker suit and my hiking boots the head out for my run.

It’s snowed here and there’s about five inches down but that’s pretty normal for up here in the winter. They’re worried on the news for the Olympics because it’s actually warmer than normal down south and their getting not enough snow and there’s even been some rain.

But I’m a couple hours north of there and it’s a nice January day after getting some snow down. I’m out after the plow’s been through and jogging in the cold. Yes I’m still jogging even now…actually stopping for awhile post op was starting to get to me. I’m used to the rush from the exercise and it really helps with the physic for my wounded leg.

No I wasn’t hurt recently it’s the wound that sent me on my way home. But that leg won’t ever be the same, it’s so damn lucky that I’m not limping or lost the leg.

It will get worse though if I didn’t do this or something like it. But I’m used to running from being in the forces and it’s a habit that stuck and I’m glad of it actually. One of the things that happens as you transition and get the hormones working is that you build up the skin softening layers of fat and curves and that’s great I love my body actually well my shoulders are too big still but everything that changed it’s me, the real me.

But…

You ever wear scrubs? They don’t really hide much and I’m woman enough to be vain enough to be concerned about how I’m going to look in them.

If you’re not transitioning really young then I’ll tell you the weight can pile on pretty easy. I went from going from a sort of skinny soldier boy to a really skinny transitioning girl as I started dropping muscle mass and then once things started shifting the other way my woman’s weight came on with it.

Thinking about my leg as I jog doesn’t take me as deep into my combat memories. Instead I’m thinking of just the other night making love. Cass had taken me over that sweet cliff over and over again but between the times she’d have her sweet lips taking me further into myself she’d touch me, caress me and she’d dance her delicate fingertips over my scars ad she’d trace the ones on my leg and she’d kiss them…not just little kisses but these suckling and tasting kisses…as real and as passionate as the ones that make me swoon and get all girly melty.

Getting to feel that way about part of myself that as a woman I’ve never been able to not feel self conscious about…it’s been such a huge gift to my heart really.

Cass makes me feel wanted, needed, loved and beautiful.

I know, that honestly I pass but I pass an average girl really….so getting to be seen as beautiful is really a big thing for me. And this relationship, my marriage is just not what I thought it’d be. I was actually thinking it’d be a lot less than this. But waking up together, cooking sometimes together and talking…we’re always talking too…Movies and music, clothes anything and everything my time in the forces the things that I’ve seen , the places I’ve been on leave to. I’ve seen more of the world but Cass has seen more of Canada and honestly I’d love to take off with her for a road trip sometime.

Honestly Cass makes me want to do a lot of things that I’ve never thought of doing.

I’ve got the rushing glow as I stop at the top of the hill and drink a water from my pack and have another granola bar before heading back down and running down to the crossroads and back. I go passed Brandon’s and the few horses that are out are running along side chasing me kicking up some of the light snow as far as they can go to the end of the fencing and they frolic after I’m gone.

I like horses, I’m not Cass who’s got that childhood love of them and the Experience with them in the RCMP too. But I do love to see them running and the fact that these are rescue horses given a place to live out their days from various places just says Brandon to me.

Brandon…

Sigh…I still love the man honestly. I love the guy that he is and the things he’s done and the safety he’s brought into my world but I still feel like I kind of owe him so much more. I’ve no idea if I’m on his mind as much or if he and Cass have talked about things since the wedding night. She’s over there all the time helping with everything and they are as close as a guy and girl get without getting physical so…

But then again I’m afraid to ask really.

I smile seeing Brandon outside as I’m coming up and he starts up his tractor and him and Ryan who has a shovel heads over to my place and they start doing my driveway and I’m still getting used to this kind of treatment having the guys there to do stuff and I’m thankful that they are doing this. I have an old snow blower that was dad’s but it’s a big yard and it took a lot of work.

And with some people knowing exactly who I am or thinking they did they weren’t exactly offering to take the job to plow me out. And I’m a bit out of town too and that didn’t help either.

I’m not sitting idle either and I get my shovel and help, I actually don’t mind shoveling I like it actually not endless shoveling with heaps of snow and stuff but cleaning our walks and the steps both from and back and Ryan does the garage and clears off the vehicles.

By the time we’re done Cass is outside on the porch and waving us in and we head into the porch and get out of our outside gear and smell the fresh Tim Horton’s coffee and this really great smells of Cass cooking breakfast. She doesn’t cook a lot really but she can.

I love it when she does.

Homemade sausage…ground pork and she mixes some bacon in it and some toasted fennel seeds, chili flakes and some other spices and stuff and it’s really spicy but it’s really good in the winter time. She fries them in patties with some cold potatoes and green peppers. Then there was her pancakes. Cass makes these really great pancakes with buttermilk and some other tricks that she says are from her dad and they’re really good she either puts in chocolate chips or bagged frozen berries but the thing that really, really makes them is the pudding.

Pudding?

Yeah, she takes chocolate pudding or butterscotch for the ones with the chocolate chips and vanilla for the ones with the berries. It’s really as much sense as whipped cream or syrup. We do have those and Cass does make some that are plain for Brandon but I like the berry ones and want to try them with a good custard sometime instead and Cass and Ryan do the chocolate chip ones which I do like especially with coffee but I prefer the berry ones.

But It’s the sharing things, food the shoveling and stuff and just being communal that really sets this all off right.

The guys leave after hugs and kisses and Cass and I do the dishes then we head upstairs to shower together.

It’s so…

Okay, it’s so normal that it’s special…nicely warm water and each of us slowly kissing each other and then slowly lathering each other up, it’s some how just as erotic as it’s everyday. Touching, feeling each others smooth skin, squeezing fingers over each others muscles…god that feels as so good with it combining with the erotic touches and the rise of heart rates and breathing and the long kisses and hands dipping into our soft secret places until we’re as clean as we can get and Cass pins me to the shower wall and takes me….

She does that thing with her hand….her middle two fingers sinking into me and my clitty slipping between her fingers and she just curls those knuckles and the little bumps run over my new bit and the ends of her fingers deep, deep inside stroking and massaging and every time her fingers stroke inside me down and down each time I feel her knuckles make me want to crawl up the wall in the building waves of orgasm and that way her fingers are massaging down my insides make me want to slide down the wall in melty goodness.

I go from the wall to draping my arms around her passionately kissing her and pressing our wet breasts together and kiss my way into getting my legs under me again and I pick Cass up into my arms and she cries out “Sam!” in laughter as I carry her to our bed and there’s this sexy moment where she’s wrapped her legs around my waist and we’re still breast to breast and she’s suddenly got all her fingers through my wet hair and passionately kissing me.

We sink down onto our bed together and we make love…I’m, falling deeper and deeper into being a lesbian.

I know that sounds weird but I love Cass and while I’ve been with women before her and there’s never been this, this attraction but more than that attraction it’s affection, love…I’m still falling deeper in love with the person Cass is and falling in love with a woman as another woman.

Unlike my ex Tanya who wasn’t satisfied with me being me. Or trying to be me. Cass though it never mattered, it never will matter. I really wonder if there’s girls like me as lucky as me?

I hope so.

I hope there’s some of those girls that can come out to the women they have fallen in love with in their lives. And that those women in love with someone like me can fall deeper and deeper in love with the women that we are.

I love Cass so deeply…I dip down and part her sweet intimate and lick and taste pushed on by her intimate cries of my name and get to her lovely little nubbing that’s hard and standing tall in her wishes for attention….I wrap my lips gently around her and I treat her with the same depth and attention as I’ve ever treated Brandon when I was…being with him.

Apparently it really works…pursing it in my lips and working them up and down her bud then suckling it and while I’m sucking it I’m twirling my tongue in circles frenching around and around again and again and them as she cries and bucks her hips and running my tongue in a heavy pressing lick over the little point…then I’m rewarded with girly cream…

Then of course there’s more…

I had to have more she’s leaving tomorrow.

………………………………......................The next day came around way too early and we made love for most of the night and tried to have a leisurely breakfast together which was good and she packs her things and I get ready and we drive out of town heading to where she’ll be headquartered at near the Olympic village.

I’m going with her to get some things like my scrubs and stuff down in Vancouver and books and will be taking the train back.

She’s fairly quiet when we’re leaving which is Cass chewing on something until she decides to tell me.

We’re just passing the big Petro-Canada station when she says. “It’s okay y’know.”

“What’s okay?”

“Being with Brandon.”

“Cass, I’m with you.”

“I know, I know but it’s okay.”

“Why are we going at this again honey?”

“Because…you were with him before you were with me.”

“So…?”

“And honestly I think part of you wants to be with him.”

“What?…I don’t cheat.”

“It’s not cheating he’s going to be the father of our child.”

“I know and he’s amazing for just well being Brandon but I love you, I’m in love with you.”

“And you’re not in love with him too?”

“You can have your cake and eat it too Cass, I know that much.”

“Bullshit Samantha we’re people not cake.”

“Honey…”

“It’s more than that Sam.”

“More than that?”

She’s quiet for a bit. I’m patient enough to let her get it out her own way. “He misses you.”

“Misses me. I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“Sam…you know what I mean. Brandon wants us to be happy, I know he wants us to be happy but it’s Brandon. You honestly think he opens up to just everyone? He doesn’t and it’s been a long time Ryan said between the last person he’s been with and you. I know him Sam I know him as well as any of my brothers and he’s Brandon…he’s just going to be quiet and suffer in silence while we’re happy and that’s not going to work for us.”

“He misses me….”

“He loves you too, he loves us both but he’s not going to get between us.”

“I Love You…Cass he’s not going to get between us.”

“I know that…you know that but you ever think he’s scared? He’s a great guy, a really great guy and he still makes part of me really wish I could be bi at least.”

“You do?”

“Yes, he’d never try and get between us. He’s Brandon he’s too damned honorable for that but I’ve seen this light there when he still see’s you Sam…and I’ve seen him take whatever he’s feeling and shove it down deep too.”

“He does?”

“Yes, he does and our kid will pick up on that. Kids do and they will. Can you actually see our Brandon putting himself out there looking for someone new?”

“No…actually…no.”

“Right because he still has feelings for you.”

“But we’re married.”

“Yes and we’re good but there’s nothing wrong with us all being together.”

“He won’t.”

“Yes he will.”

“No he won’t he’ll be all stubborn and Brandon about it.”

“Yes he will…he’s still carrying a torch Sam, and it’s been long enough that this is hurting him. I don’t want that do you?”

“No…but…”

“It’s okay…I’m good with my wife having her steady guy…I’m aware you’re not a lesbian Sam.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“No, you still look at the guys, the boys.”

I blush, I really wasn’t trying to but there’s…. “I’m sorry…”

“Hey, we’re committed not dead, looking isn’t touching and you don’t really look at the girls the same way as I do.”

“You look?”

“Yes, I’m gay honey, I look at girls. You’re still bi honey and us being in love and married doesn’t change our sexual preferences.”

“But…”

“But Brandon’s not cheating, not to me…he’s my best friend outside of you babe, he’s going to be our baby’s father and maybe more.”

“More?”

“I want more than one baby Sam, I want to start a family.”

“Oh…but I…”

“I want to have one of Brandon’s kids too.”

“Uhm when’d you come up with this?”

“Ever since I got pregnant. I mean it Sam I love Brandon as much as any lesbian could love a guy that’s not the whole lesbian’s side kick.”

“Cass…”

“No….Sam…I can’t be with Brandon…it just can’t work physically as much as I’d love too as a person…It actually hurts me too that I can’t….it’s like that part of me when I was figuring out who I was sexually is awake when I’m with him and I see him just so damned alone and being all damned stoic and taking it and I want more…more for him and for us and for you.”

“This’ll be complicated…how do we be a triple?”

“We don’t complicate it. We just keep living as us but we just let it happen with you two.”

“And what if it’s more than sex?”

“It is more than sex, I know the two of you and I don’t mind if you’re head over heels in love with him too. I’m not small minded enough that I can’t think of people being in love with other people.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Yeah, of course you can…you’re going to think about it anyway, you’ve been thinking about it anyway.”

“Cass….”

“Ever since you’ve been medically okay to be with a guy, or our toys you’ve had that same look there when you see him as he has when he see’s you and you bury it too. You both will deny this thing that’ll make you happy and it’ll either happen eventually or you’ll both be miserable over it and I’ll be caught in the middle.”

“I’d never…”

“You’re doing it already Sam…you both are.”

………………………………........................It was like that for a lot of the drive down actually and it was kind of a fight and kind of not. I was really surprised at this coming out like it did and learning the way Cass really felt about this and the fact that she had no intention of letting us walk away from each other if we couldn’t.

She loves me and that’s why she married me, she wanted it more than anything else she’s ever wanted she said. More than anything in her life.

But she just didn’t tell either of us that she was thinking these things.

And the more I think about it the more part of her’s right maybe? Or right about me…have I still been carrying a torch for him too?

Has being away from him been hurting him?

The more that I think about Brandon and how much part of me wanted him to be my first…the guy to be that guy…I’m missing him more than I thought…it’s confusing and upsetting and despite Ryan still hanging around…I can see Brandon when he’s alone just pulling everything in around him and not admitting to anything….and the thought of him hurting like that because of me hurts way more than I thought it would. I’m not the kind of woman that’d ever break someone’s heart and I’m swamped by these thoughts all day even after we got Cass settled into her housing and I did my errands and made my way to the train station.

I’m waiting outside for the last half hour on the platform sort of needing the cold to stave off the tears and clear my head. I feel someone watching me on the platform as the train’s pulling up and even onto the train. It’s a woman in a business suit/skirt ensemble. I set my bags in the seat beside me and the person tailing me takes the seat across the aisle.

I take a look at them finally after feeling her eyes on me all over…Cass looks at me like that and while I’ve been a woman some time now I’m still not used to getting checked out in a sexual way.

I know her, it takes some moments for my brain to make the adjustments after all it’s been years but….

It’s Tanya…