Bridges: Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I just lay there awhile surrounded by the guys. I’ve never really known such friendship or even such solidarity before. I stay like that for half an hour in the quiet with my sentinels there watching over me and doing these soothing quiet little things. Brandon's there holding my hand gently rubbing it with his fingers. He’s such a rock for me lately and I’ve only known all of them for just a few days. He’s nursing a beer and watching everything. The way the candlelight plays through his long hair and that strong jaw line with it’s stubble and the bit of red/purple at the corner of his mouth where he took that elbow to the head for me all of it gives him this look. Those gold wire framed glasses of his add to it.

The male lion, watching everything in stoic grace the lord of all he surveys. He’s no where near one of those really educated and well off types. But there’s this quiet strength about him, Brandon has it so much it’s powerful. Honestly I think it’s why he’s got friends like these here dropping stuff in their lives to help him. They are a good measure of the man too.

Eli looks like he’s been carved from cedar in the candlelight and he’s writing on a large pad of paper. He’d look almost mystical and sacred if he wasn’t sipping on a bud lite. His boys are both sitting quietly one drumming along to whatever’s on his I-pod and the other is texting someone.

Chuck is doing some kind of food prep with vegetables as busy work. That’s actually a familiar thing to me. On base if you couldn’t sleep the Master-cook would let any of us come in and peel spuds. Just something to dull your mind, it helped actually.

The sweet redneck biker Alberta Brothers Bobby and Steve are both engrossed in a chess game. Their actually pretty good I think but I’m no student of the game. I learned because my parents actually played each other.

Chris is playing a guitar in this quiet rambling melody. He starts to change over to an actual song after a bit. I have no idea of what it is. It sounds like he’s playing Spanish guitar I think.

I squeeze Brandon’s hand and he tilts his head back to look at me. He’s looking at me for a thoughtful moment then asks. “How are you feeling?”

“Better…” My voice is a little hoarse, my throat’s dry too.

He pulls a bottle of beer out of the case. Opens it for me then passes it to me. Its fizz burns a little but the beer is welcome. I don’t drink a lot, never did I’m a light weight a 12 pack will last me a month. I drink about half the bottle before setting it down and cover my burp. “Excuse me.” The guys just smile. I smile back; it’s a little weak and probably lopsided. “Guys, I really can’t say how much you guys mean to me right now…you guys being here. It’s really above and beyond.” There’s a few it’s no big deals, and it’s what friends do and of course from Chuck. “Eet is juste le same ting you would do for anyone of us, non?” I can’t help but be cheered by that and sit up so I can be a bit more sociable. I’m done my second beer pretty soon and I’m very much enjoying the greasy KFC right now. The whole thing is actually helping me a lot. There’s something to be said about a few beers and bad food that tastes so good when you’re with friends.

Oddly kind of like a throwback to a few times while I was in high school and a few times on base we just sat and ate and talked while we traded off playing chess. None of us were very good and we played for awhile and Brandon had gone to the bathroom and had come back with his leather jacket and the two helmets. “Care for a late night ride?”

I get up quickly and take the helmet and we go outside. Brandon pulls on his plaid flannel work shirt and he holds open his big leather jacket for me to wear. I accept the knight’s gallant offer. I lose myself in the smell even as I put it on. It’s His smell and leather with undertones of sawdust and gasoline blended in over the years. I have a very real and visceral physical reaction to it. It’s very arousing. I smell it again…oh yes… “Mmmn, I love the smell of leather.” He just smiles that little Brandon smile and adjust some thing on the bike and both helmets. He turns the Harley over and it begins to rumble. I zip up his way huge on me leather jacket and pull on the helmet. I hear over everything in my helmet. “You ready?”

“Uhm, yeah…are we on two way?”

“Yeah it’s getting more common with more people bike touring in groups now.”

“Oh, Yeah I’m ready.”

We pull away from the house and we take off turning right up my jogging road but cresting the hill. We’re not really going fast just cruising, out for a drive. It’s a return to a lost feeling actually a left over from high school, but tonight its better and that and simpler it’s just nice to be doing this. I love the views too as we drive the road goes up a long ways climbing around and into the foothills that are the nestling spot for Bridgeview. Once we’re up on the crest it’s beautiful. It’s all chip-seal up here the last bit of it before you hit the various logging roads and as we drive there’s this wall of evergreens and slopes that lead into looking at the peaks of the mountains less than ten miles away. And the other is looking out over the tops of these huge foothills seeing town below us and the pacific beyond that. All under the light of the nearly full moon, Brandon has music piping into the helmets as we drive. Just driving like this to Hendrix’s “Hey Joe” just added this soulful mood to the whole experience.

We drive all the way from my side on the north end of town to quite far around the entire valley to where we come out really far south of town down to the coastal highway rote called The Sea to Sky highway. For most of the journey I’ve gone back to having my head back on his onto his back between his shoulder blades. I feel good like this, there’s a wonderful sense of peace that washes over me as we ride and I close my eyes and feel the tension wash away from me like its getting left behind us as we drive. It’s so easy being like this with him. It’s supposed to feel like its easy when you think your falling in love with somebody.

Am I falling in love with him? Can I fall in love with anybody? I’ve been depressed for so long I’m not sure. I could be just reading too much into finally feeling better? Normal?

Or I could just be my typical neurotic self and be reading too much into things and doubting too much of everything all at the same time. Great If I was Jewish and wasn’t a trans-girl I’d be a Woody Allen movie. (Ick, too whiney.)

It’s almost like he can read my thoughts and the bike speeds up, actually the bike speeds up a lot. Those thoughts I just had are left behind us as we speed down the highway. It’s still late in the night/or really early in the morning and there’s a bit of traffic mostly truckers and we’re leaning as we pass them or take some of the corners on this strip of road. It’s exciting; it’s scary because this is dangerous driving/riding honestly it’s how a lot of people get hurt. But Y’know he really knows how to drive, how to handle this machine and keep us safe. The combination of all of it gets me going inside, burning a little in my skin, I’m very aware of my breasts right now my nipples taut and perky rubbing against his leather jacket.

This stretch of the provincial highway is breathtaking and I really haven’t been through here a lot especially after all the work that had been done on it for the winter Olympics. For the most part it’s carved out of the cliffs that are right next to the shoreline of British Columbia so there are these huge cliff walls you can almost reach out and touch but on the other side of the highway the water is really close. In the headlights of the Harley and the moonlight it’s almost cinematic.

Brandon pulls us into a truck stop after about a half an hour and we shake off the saddle butt feeling from riding so long. “It’s a good thing we stopped because I really need the ladies room.” He smiles a little and stretches. “I figured you might, good place though. We ate here on the way up. I think it’s a good time to get warm and coffee up.”

It’s one of those combo places you see all the time. Just off an over pass with a big parking lot for the cars and the truckers but also the attached diner with the motel and convenience store. It’s actually fairly busy and I’m still a little self conscious going to the ladies room. Yes I sit to you know, even at home. I wash my hands and use my fingers to fuss with my hair. I should’ve brought my purse. I feel like I should be doing something girly y’know make up wise.

I meet Brandon in the diner part where he’s having a coffee up at the counter. I sit down on the stool and fold my legs and try to look a bit more girl like and not the late night wreck that I really look like. I order a coffee too. “I uhm left my purse back at the house.”

“I’m the one who asked you out Sam, I pay the way on my dates.”

“This is a date?”

“I guess, I mean sorry if you’re not having a good time.”

“Actually I’ve been on worse.”

“I didn’t think you dated.”

“Not since coming home, but I had been seeing people and dating when I lived in Toronto.”

“So you being home then, I take it neither place really agreed with you?”

“I loved living in Toronto really; it’s a beautiful city really. I miss it more than certain people that lived there.”

“They had a problem with the way you are?”

“Actually no, they were pretty great about it though if a bit weird with a couple of them saying I should just stay and live as a trans.”

“Was there a big trans community there?”

“No, but there were some but more lesbians and bisexuals and gays. But they were all new wave chic liberal arts types.”

“So not your scene?” Okay Brandon actually sounded hopeful about that. Yeah I can really see him hating those people and places. I’d love to see one of them try to argue or try to tell him about the plight of the poor working classes.

“No, sooo not my scene but I was seeing this girl who was an artist and it was her crowd.”

“You were seeing a girl after you started transitioning?”

“Yeah…Let’s just say I’ve explored myself looking for my place in life. I’m still not 100% on my sexuality I’m only sure that this is my right gender.”

“Can I ask you…”

“Yes Brandon, I like men…nice ones at least.” He smiles a bit and just the hint of a blush before he recovers.

“So uhm, you were saying about her? Why’d you break up?”

“She hated the fact I was a soldier and she hated the fact that I was a trans. She‘d make use of those parts of me then go off on one of her men are evil tirades and even blame me for still having my boy parts. She‘d accuse me of keeping them on purpose to hurt her. It wasn‘t a good time or place, she treated me like a leper in our own apartment and was worse in front of our...no her friends. Actually being with her nearly killed me. It was a really abusive relationship.”

“Bad?” He has this hint of worry? In his tone, protectiveness even, maybe?

“Oh yeah, I had a stress induced PTSD nervous breakdown.”

“I don’t want to sound like your ex…” I laugh, interrupting him. “Oh It’s that bad I still call her what the shrink said that treated me did.” He tilt’s his head ever so slightly, interest? He uses body language more than words. “Okay, then I don’t want to sound like…”

“She-who-shall-not-be-named.” I supply.

“But why haven’t you transitioned all the way yet, you have to be done your year of RLT.”

I nod then take a long slow sip of my coffee, Not bad but I’m an Tim’s girl. They sent and set up a volunteer outlet for the troops over there. It’s a love and loyalty thing. The waitress come back over and asks us if we want anything else. We both order pie. I get lemon and he gets apple…heated with a shot of soft ice cream on top of it. The lady looks at me staring, then at him, then at me. “Sammy Chase?” excuse her, she knows me?

“Uhm, yes…?”

“I thought that was you, dang girl you’ve grown up! I haven’t seen you since you were yay high.” She gestures to her waist.

“You knew me?”

“Oh honey, just a little. I knew your mom though she used to stop in here a lot back in her early days. Her and your dad used to meet here on her breaks during her shifts on patrol before you were born and after even. He used to bring you in with him a lot.”

“Wow, uhm that’s a long time ago.”

“I know but seeing you here this hour of the night you look so much like Amber I was already thinking it but it all kinda clicked when y’all ordered the same thing.”

I’m confused looking at the stuff she set down. She was getting all of it as we were talking. Brandon has the cutest look of Huh? On his face for a second before he gets this look. You ever see someone get a pure pleasure moment? He’s getting something like the way I would with chocolate out of this. He takes a bite letting the soft ice cream melt away in his mouth just cooling the hot pie. His expression says it all for me…foodgasm. There’s this whole, strange nipple tightening deja-vu moment for me and it hits me in a soft flood of childhood memories…”Yeah, I remember Mom…and Dad used to order the exact same thing…Delores right?” I said it all a little pre-occupied but smiling. I offer her my hand and she shakes it then pulls me into a hug. “My gawd girl you look the image of your mama. I’m sorry I didn’t get to your dad’s funeral. Ryan was a hell of a guy.”

“I didn’t get to be there for it either. I was in the hospital in Germany.”

“Waffor?”

“I got wounded in action in Afghanistan. Bad enough I’m out.”

“Permanently?”

“No, I’m out a minimum of three years then I get a psyche review. I’m a battle-field medic and military RN so they do want me back if they can get me.”

Brandon’s nodding as he eats and looks interested too at the conversation in general. I see him look up though with a flicker of his eyes. I see two older but big old trucker guys come our way. The older guy with some grey in his beard speaks. “Sorry but we couldn’t help but overhear…You're Ryan Chase's daughter?”

“Yes…” I’m nervous because if he knew dad…I don’t have siblings.

He offers his hand. “Your old man was one hell of a fire fighter, I worked a couple of bad forest fires with him. Good man, heard he went out a hero?”

“Yeah….(I’m wiping a few tears away.) He took off his mask to feed some kids air during a fire set in one of the group homes in town. They couldn’t get out or something and he used his air to save those kids…” The guy slides his hand up to grip my forearm too. It’s a warriors handshake, it’s an old thing used by military types forever. He smiles at me. “And I see or I guess heard his little girl is a Vet injured in the line and a combat medic to boot. It’s and honor miss…” I smile and return his grip and give him a slow shake. “Samaritan, but people just call me Sam.” He smiles. “Look I’ve got to hit the road. Take care okay?”

I hear the other guy who’s paying at the cash. “That girl talking to Jonesy, she served. Anything she wants you put it on my account okay?” the girl at the cash nodded and wrote something down. I’m a little stunned. I give the two truckers a smile and a nod and a wave as the leave and I get a tip of the hat from both of them. I quietly eat my lemon pie. It’s a bit blurred in my head, I think I might have been five or six when I was here…It wasn’t a Petro-Canada station then it was..a Texaco I think. It’s all had a face lift but things are still in the same place. I kind of drift…I can sort of remember here, and Dad carrying me in out of the truck. Me being carried by my dad. That’s a nice memory, a nice feeling.

It’s kind of nice that people remember Dad like that. I watch Brandon eating his pie, it was dad’s favorite order. But he never enjoyed it like Brandon is. I take a sip of coffee.

“I was put into the psyche ward at Belleview for two weeks after everything at Toronto. The doctors wanted to really have things as sure as possible before I went under the knife so I went through a thorough evaluation and put me on my meds and told me that I had to start my RLT all over again. So I’m right where I’m at now and waiting another Eval before I’m put on the list. The good thing is the armed forces is going to pay for it.”

He finishes his pie.

“So you’re not out now?”

“No, I was wounded in my 3rd year I’ve still got a year of active duty left. I’m technically on psyche leave. Once I’m settled in the head and recovered from my SRS they want me back for my last year. I’m an RN and they’re having just as hard a time keeping experienced nurses as any other place or that’s what they keep telling me.”

Brandon nods. “So how long before you’ve got until you’re back in uniform?”

“The doctors are giving me a best case scenario between two and three years.”

“You know they're going to push the fact you’re on leave for so long as a reason for them to add to your terms of service contract right?”

“Probably, but If I get to be my real self then I’m good with that. I might not see active combat duty anyway. I might request an RN’s spot at a base home side.”

“Good idea.”

I’m done, and he’s done so we go. I see him leave a tenner as a tip even if we’re not paying. I catch Delores before I go and give her a hug good-bye. “I’ll try and make it down this way some more okay?”

“Sure honey, you do that.” She beams.

I’m still quiet yet amused as Brandon drives us home. The morning is beautiful and crisp and clear as we drive over the Bridgeview Highway Bridge on our way home I find myself thinking of how much she said I looked like my Mom and that she had always referred to me as if I always was a girl. Did she just accept me for me?, Did she just not remember me right? It was a long time ago. Or is it something else?