Part 4 -The after math

It was the last period of the day, even though elementary school didn't have periods all of us students knew that science was going to be the last subject covered for the day. After the horror of the morning meeting that my Aunt had with Mrs. Round, the day had no chance of improving and was filled with a sense of expectant doom.

I sat quietly at my desk, sulking but still working on the handout that the teacher had given us. I often wondered why we couldn't cover science like Mr. Wizard on television and do fun experiments, perhaps having an explosion or two. Instead, I sat there reading about the food chain and though the reading said humans were at the top, I felt very much at the bottom.

At least the school work would occupy my mind from not focusing solely on 'the talk' me and my Aunt were to have when she came home from work. The fact that I had to wait over eight long hours for this upcoming conversation only made me dread it more. I knew that my Aunt said that I wasn't in any trouble, but remembering the tears in her eyes made me have my doubts. I could only think of two scenarios that made any sense of the situation; either I did something so bad that my aunt was distraught and couldn't bring her to address the matter at school, or something was very wrong with me, like maybe I was dying.

It was hard to concentrate, and I found myself gazing at the clock praying that the final buzzer would sound. I was almost certain that I attended a weeks worth of class just on this one day. I put my pencil to paper to write down the answer to a question that I didn't even read.

"Keith," Mrs. Round called out, snapping me back to reality.

"Yes, Ma'am," I said as I turned my head quickly towards the teacher's desk.

"I would like to see you after class," she informed me.

Oh great, I thought, as if I weren't in enough trouble. "Yes, Ma'am."

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they just did.

The time crept by but mercifully the final buzzer went off. As my classmates hurried to leave, I just remained at my desk. I methodically packed my things away, knowing that Mrs. Round wouldn't speak to me until all of the other students were gone. At least I wouldn't need to be embarrassed any further, even though I know some of the boys were snickering about me having to stay behind. The only good thing was that I had a bus to catch, so I knew I wouldn't be held up for very long.

As the last girl left the room I stood up and made my way to Mrs. Round's desk. The frown on her face gave me every indication that she wasn't very pleased of me at the moment. If only this day could be over and done with, maybe life could get back to normal.

"How was your day?" Mrs. Round asked and it took me by surprise.

"Okay," I mumbled the pat answer that I figured I was suppose to give.

"From the look on your face, it doesn't look like you think everything is okay," Mrs. Round said sympathetically.

"I just don't know what I did wrong," I blurted out in frustration.

"Who said you did anything wrong?"

"No one," I whimpered. "But you spoke to my aunt this morning and she wants to have a talk when she gets home from work..."

"And you think that means you're in trouble," Mrs. Round cut me off.

I paused to think about things. "That's what that normally means. A meeting with the teacher and a talk at home, I might be punished for life."

Mrs. Round gave a strained smile. "Or it could mean that people are concerned about you," she offered.

"About me?"

"You haven't been the same old Keith we have always known since you came back from Christmas break and we just want to make sure everything is alright with you."

I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled in frustration. "The same old Keith wasn't a real person," I said, not really able to express what I wanted.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. The boy that was here before Christmas doesn't exist," I blurted out and wish I hadn't.

A look of worry and confusion came over Mrs. Round's face. "Where did he go?"

"He never existed," I said silently, as if by uttering my secret would cause the universe to crumble in on itself.

"Oh dear," Mrs. Round said softly. It was obvious that she felt ill equip to deal with what I was saying. "Could you please do me a favor?"

"Okay."

"When you have your talk with your aunt, promise me that you will answer her with the truth, no matter how embarrassing."

I had no idea what truth that Mrs. Round was talking about, but I knew that I had a bus that wouldn't wait for me forever. "I will," I conceded.

"Good," Mrs. Round gave a faint smile. "I will see you tomorrow."

"Good bye," I said silently and then made my way to leave.

Luckily the bus waited for me and I made the trip back home in silence, even though there was chaos both surrounding me on the outside from the noisy students trying to expend pent up energy from the day and chaos inside of me that could no longer make sense of the world.

I was let off the bus in front of 1816 Himrod street and made my way to the door. I expected that I would have at least two hours before my Aunt got home and maybe if I used that time wisely I could figure things out. I walked up the three reddish-pink concrete steps of the stoop, pulled the key from my pocket and unlocked the door. Even the walk down the hall that was so familiar seemed to take much longer than usual. It was like I was a condemned inmate walking down a prison corridor towards the electric chair.

Even though we lived in New York City, my Aunt and I often left the door to the apartment unlocked, so I didn't think it odd when the door simply opened when I turned the handle. What did take me off guard was to find my Aunt waiting at the kitchen table as I walked into my home.

"You're here." I said in surprise as my aunt looked up at me.

"I didn't go to work today," my aunt informed.

"I'm sorry." I bowed my head.

"What are you sorry about?" my aunt said tenderly.

"Because I made you miss work," I said as I put my book bag on the chair where it belonged.

"You didn't make me miss work, I missed work because I wanted to."

"Okay," I said, unsure of myself.

"We need to talk, Keith," my aunt said firmly, letting me know there was no getting around it. "Sit down."

I was obedient and took a seat by the side of my aunt. I guess I wouldn't have any alone time to prepare for this talk after all.

"There is no easy way to talk about this, Keith," my aunt started, only adding to my sense of dread. "But you have to promise to be completely honest with me."

I took a deep gulp. "I will," I said, my throat suddenly dry.

"Because it is very important that you tell the truth," my Aunt said, stalling for time.

"What did I do wrong," I blurted out.

"Keith, you didn't do anything wrong." My aunt put her hand on my forearm. "When we were at Gerard's, did anyone touch you in a bad way."

I took me a moment to process what I was being asked. In 1983, children were hardly informed about being touched sexually. Though my information was limited, I did figure out what my aunt was talking about. "No," I said with uncertainty in my voice because I didn't know if I was answering the right question.

"You won't be in trouble if you tell me the truth,” my Aunt pressed. "Did Gerard or Uncle Paul touch you in a place that they weren't suppose to."

I shook my head no.

"What about that teenage boy that was friends with Laura? What's his name, Dexter. Did he get fresh with you and cross the line?"

Once again I shook my head no.

"I'm going to ask one more time, just to be sure. Did anyone do anything to you during Christmas break to make you feel uncomfortable."

I took a moment to think about it, wanting to be sure myself. "No, Aunt Roe. No one touched me in a bad way."

I was expecting a look of relief to come over my aunt's face, but it never came. If this whole talk thing was about her thinking someone did something bad to me, then you would think knowing nothing happened would make her happy. She just sat there, looking at me, searching for some answer that I didn't even know the question of. A tear drifted from her eye and traveled down her cheek. Whatever she was thinking, it certainly wasn't anything pleasant.

"Honest, Aunt Roe," I said try to be upbeat. "No one tried to do anything fresh with me."

There was an awkward silence that hung in the air that may have lasted all of five seconds but seemed to last for hours. We just sat in our chairs looking at one another. I didn't know what my aunt wanted to hear to make her feel better and it looked like she had the weight of the world just come crashing down upon her.

"Keith," my Aunt barely squeaked out my name. "I am sorry that I made you dress up like a girl for Christmas..."

I could tell that there was more to what my aunt wanted to say, but her words just sort of hung up in the air. There was a brief moment when my aunt tried to collect herself, a moment where I all of a sudden knew that in the next few seconds I would be determining my life for quite some time.

"No," I said, elongating the 'O.' My mouth stayed open, in a brief instant I knew I had made some sort of decision, but I couldn't verbalize it.

My aunt blinked hard. "No?" she stared at me. "What do you mean, 'no?'"

"Don't say you're sorry for letting me be Katie for Christmas," I answered firmly.

"But I can see that it has made you upset, you haven't been yourself ever since."

"I have been myself," I said as I stood up. "For the first time ever I have been myself. I'm not upset that you let me be Katie."

My aunt must have noticed me becoming flustered.

"Then what are you upset about?"

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. I had no clue why I was starting to be so emotional, but I couldn't understand why my Aunt was apologizing for the best memory of my life and I felt like if I didn't do something, anything, then me being Katie will be a distant memory never to be repeated.

"Keith," my aunt said tenderly. "Come on, you know you can tell me anything."

I sat back down in the padded wooden kitchen chair, knowing that this conversation was going to shape things for the future. "Okay," I said as my mind raced to formulate what I wanted to say. "I'm not upset at anything. But," I took a deep breath as my seven year old brain was being taxed to do something beyond itself. "If I am a little upset at something is that you made me stop being Katie."

I could tell my aunt was thinking, evidently my declaration took her by surprise. "I didn't make you stop. I mean, I didn't tell you that you couldn't be Katie."

That was true, she didn't actually say, 'Keith, you can't be a girl any more.' But it was more subtle than that. It wasn't that she said no, to Katie, but at the same time she didn't say yes either. The day after Christmas I spent some time in my nightgown, but I was soon wearing jeans and t-shirts and Katie sort of vanished in the corner somewhere, never to be mentioned until now. There was no way I could verbalize what I was thinking though, I didn't know how. "But we didn't do Katie things any more," I made an attempt anyway. "There was no Katie clothes and I couldn't wear the party dress for every day and I couldn't wear the same underwear again."

My aunt was processing the information. Perhaps she knew what I was thinking better than I did. "Keith. Or should I say Katie?"

Even with the heaviness of the conversation I managed a smirk. "For real?"

My aunt reached out and put her hand on my forearm. "When have I ever kept something from you that would make you really happy."

"I rather you call me Katie, but, it's kind of going to be hard getting use to."

"For us both, Katie," my Aunt made it a point to emphasize my female name. "After Christmas, I can't say you went back to being the boy I knew, but you certainly went back to being a boy. You put the doll up, even though I know you play with it when I'm not around."

I blushed at being busted.

"But you never said anything. It was actually a little confusing to me, but I thought maybe Katie was something you wanted to do once in a great while. Lot of men do that."

"Like Uncle Paul's friends?"

"Some of them." My aunt smiled. "Some men spend most of their time doing guy things and once in a great while do girl things. I thought that was what you were doing. That maybe you did enjoy being a girl, but only wanted to do it for special occasions and was happy with that."

"Katie isn't a pretend person," I said as I tried to make sense of myself. "Katie is real. I am real."

"Then why didn't you say something?"

"I don't know. I kind of thought that you would've let out girl clothes when you wanted me to be Katie, but when I saw jeans and tees, I thought maybe it was a one time thing."

"You being who you really are has to be an all the time thing," my aunt said as her hand reached to my cheek and wiped a tear away. "The only way you can find out who you are, on the inside; whether that is Keith or Katie, is by being honest. Honest with yourself, and honest with me who is here to help you figure it out."

I closed my eyes as I felt comforted by my Aunt's hand on my face. "I know who I am," I stated in just above a whisper. "I am Katie, I want to be Katie, always."

"Then Katie you will be."

For the first time in the month of January the smile returned to my face. "Can Katie have a birthday party this weekend?"

"I don't see why not," my aunt said as the air in the room became less thick. "Do you want to go by Gerard's again and be with Laura?"

"I was thinking we can have it here," I said hopefully.

There was a look of concern on my aunt's face. "Do you think it's such a good idea to let the cat out of the bag to all your friends at school? Some might not be too understanding."

"I just want to invite two friends, if that's okay."

I could see the corners of my aunt's mouth turn upwards. "I'm sure I can manage a party for two, I presume other girls."

"Yes."

"Considered it done. We will discuss the details later, but I am almost sure I know what kind of birthday party you want."

"The most pinkilicious birthday ever," I stated firmly to the delight of my aunt.

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Author's note: I knew it took some time, but I am back to writing. My writing schedule is going to be a bit odd. I am going to try to get back to posting on this story every two or three days until completion. After that, I am going to start focusing on completed works of quality and novels. I have certain things for BC:TS, but I have other novels as well and need to expand. There is a forth book of the God Bless the Child series that is in me and a spin off that is not remotely TG. My time for being a serious writer is running out, so I think it's time to give it a go (even though i think GBTC and Finding Jenny should be both published and made into movies).