© 2012, by Susan J. Charles. All rights reserved
Edited by Holly H. Hart

The following Tuesday, I saw Sandy again. “Wow, Jessica!” she said. “You are looking great. I saw you on TV and they kept coming back and showing you after every big play. You certainly got a lot of exposure.”

I smiled as I exchanged my dress for one of those paper examination gowns. “I wish that exposure had really been me. I didn’t get goose bumps on my chest like the other girls did.”

“And you wanted them?”

“Yes, that is I would like to really fill out my uniform. I really like showing myself off.”

“So you want to stay Jessica?”

“For a while,” I said. “I was always going to go back to being Mark.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because that’s the way things are supposed to be.”

“Why?” she asked again.

“It just is,” I said. “I was born a boy and am supposed to be one.”

“Why not just remain Jessica? You seem to like it.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said. “Sure, I like being Jessica, but for the rest of my life? I don’t know.”

“Hey, there are ups and downs to being either male or female,” she said. “On the whole, I prefer our side, but it is a man’s world.”

“Oh, there are ways around that,” I said smiling. “I can pretty much get Phil to do whatever I want.”

“Exactly,” Sandy replied grinning. “It sounds like you’ve figured out a lot about being a woman navigating in the world.”

“I guess I have,” I said. “But it’s for survival.”

“And all us girls have had to learn the same thing,” she said. “At least the smart ones.

“I’m not saying you don’t have a ways to go,” she continued. “But I think you are well on your way. While I don’t want to influence you one way or the other, I think you make a great girl. I’ve talked with Tina about you. I want to see you again in April.”

“There is one additional thing you should know. When I took those sperm samples from you several months ago, I had some of it frozen. You are not the first patient I’ve had to experiment with the other side, and I’ve learned to plan ahead. Not many of my patients decide to go back.”

“I really hadn’t thought about that,” I said. “The idea of fathering children hadn’t really entered my mind. So I’ve got something to think about. What’s would be next?”

“You would have some choices to make,” Sandy said. “Are you going to stay as you are? You would develop the figure you seem to want if you go on hormones. Some people go on to have surgery to become completely female, at least in appearance. Some choose to keep their male equipment. I have to tell you, however, that with any hormone treatment, your male equipment isn’t going to work very well. In many cases, it’s best to remove the testicles to prevent complications down the road.”

“Can I try hormones and then go back to being Mark?” I asked.

“If you come off hormones you may stop developing. But many of the changes would remain. Your breasts and hips may lose some fat, but the breasts won’t go away without surgery, and if your pelvis actually widens, you’ll always have a feminine shape down there. Your skin might get rough again.”

“I could hide my figure with clothes,” I said.

“You could. You’d have to hide a lot of other things too. You may not realize it, but every move you make, every look you give, all scream ‘female’ to others.”

“I’ve come that far?”

“You really didn’t have that far to go originally,” Sandy said. “Even back in school, I always thought you should have been a girl.”

“If I do want to continue becoming a woman, what’s next?”

“After hormones, if you want to consider surgery, you need to have Tina’s consent as well as mine as the physician,” Sandy said.. Frankly, I don’t think you’d have any problem at all if that’s what you want to do.”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I just didn’t think ahead.”

“That’s why you have to go through these procedures. No matter what you end up doing, it’s a big decision, and you need to be crystal clear as to what you are going to do and why.”

“Does it cost much? I’d have to wiggle my ass at Phil to get him to pay for it.”

Sandy laughed. “Sex Reassignment Surgery is very expensive, and most insurance won’t cover it. You are very lucky if you’re in a situation where you can get things paid for. Some of my patients really have to scrape to get enough for their treatments and therapy, and many don’t make it.’

“Payments could be a problem just now,” I said. “I’ll have to see if Phil will help me. Thanks for everything, Sandy.”

I called Karen and asked her if we could meet for dinner at her apartment. “I’ll bring things to cook,” I said, bribing her.

“I’ve been missing your meals,” she said. “Is Thursday okay?”

The next day in dance class, Terri asked me if I’d be interested in going with her on some personal appearances. The first playoff game after the Wild Card game was an away game, so Saturday had been set aside for local appearances. “We can actually make more money on personal appearances than we make doing our thing at the stadium,” she said. “The fees are set quite high, so we only get serious offers. The tradeoff is we also visit places like hospitals for free.”

When I said, “I’d love to help,” Terri said she’d put me on the list. Apparently, I was a full-fledged Sea Gal now.

That night, I told Phil I was having dinner with Karen. It turned out he had to fly down to San Francisco for a business meeting anyway, and wouldn’t be home Thursday night. I told him it would be nice if I knew his schedule a little more.

“Look, babe,” he replied. “I’m very busy right now and I’ve got to remain flexible. You saw what was going on in the office. We’re talking really big bucks here. I’ve got to be able to move on a moment’s notice.”

“I realize that,” I replied. “And I support you. It’s just that if I knew as much as you about your schedule, I could do a better job of helping you.”

Walking over, I rubbed myself against him and gave him a big, sexy kiss. “I want to help you in any way I can,” I whispered. “Let’s go upstairs and I’ll ‘help’ you.”

We adjourned to the bedroom and I did a real job on Phil that would end up with me walking bowlegged again the following morning. “By the way, Phil,” I said as we cuddled afterwards. “I saw the doctor yesterday and she’d like me to think about some procedures. Is that a problem?”

“No, but is there anything wrong?” he asked.

“No, it’s just to help me with the changes I’m going through.

“Babe, you’re getting better all the time,” he said, giving my left tit a squeeze.

“How would you like it if I got a vagina to add to the package?” I asked. I felt Phil tense.

“No, babe,” he replied. “I wouldn’t want to put you through all that pain. You are fine just the way you are.” He patted my rear end and turned over and went to sleep.

I lay there thinking of how nice Phil was to want to spare me any discomfort. He was looking out for me. Off and on, I’d been wondering about that a little.

The next evening found me at Karen’s, fixing a very tasty, but very calorie-conscious meal. Karen kept going on and on about how much she’d missed my cooking. Finally, we finished and curled up on opposite ends of the sofa with our coffee.

“So, much as I appreciate just getting to see you in a quiet atmosphere, what did you want to talk about?” Karen asked.

I told her about all the things Sandy had said and the decisions I had to make.

“I told Sandy I had to go back to being Mark, and she kept asking why.”

“I’ll ask the same question,” Karen said, “Why?”

“Because underneath this makeup and padding, that’s who I am. That’s who I started out as. When we were little and I’d be Jessica, I always had to go back to being Mark at the end.”

“I’m not so sure you even completely started as a boy,” Karen said.

I started to say something, but she waved me to silence. “Let me tell you something Jessica. When we started playing together as kids a long time ago, you were kind of quiet and withdrawn as a boy. But when you put on my new party dress, you changed. You became so much more animated and outgoing than you’d ever been before. You just seemed more excited about life in general. You were fun to be with and we had a blast playing together. We did things, explored things, played pranks and did all kinds of stuff that I’d never done with Mark. That’s when you became my BFF and we shared everything. Do you think I’d have ever showed anyone else my boobs when they started developing, especially a boy? I don’t think so. I didn’t even tell the other girls until it was pretty obvious. But I did share that with my sister Jessica, and lots of other things too.”

Karen took a deep breath and sighed. “I always felt a little sense of loss when you went back to being Mark. It seemed like the more Jessica reached out for life, the more Mark withdrew. I didn’t know what I could do to help you. When you met Cindy, I thought Jessica had gone away forever. I cried for days and days because I felt I’d lost my sister.”

“But you were so supportive about us?”

“Of course I was, silly. I love you and wanted you to be happy, whoever you were. I knew that if Mark was happy, somewhere inside my sister Jessica was happy too. And that kind of made it okay.

“But, I think I was right to bring you back when Mark was so hurt,” she continued. “And I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier than I have the last few months. I just wish this legal stuff didn’t mean we had to keep from hanging around together more. I have so missed our late night heart-to-heart talks.”

“Me too.” I moved over and gave her a big hug. “So what do you think I should do?”

“Honestly, I think you are so much better as Jessica. I don’t know what you should do physically, but Jessica, you are so much better at life than Mark was. You’re out doing things, learning new things, having a good relationship with a nice guy. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve always been Jessica and should continue to be her. You’ll have a much better life if you do.”

I hadn’t wanted to bring up my relationship with Phil with her at that time because that wasn’t what I was there to talk about. But when she mentioned it, I felt myself flinch a little bit.

“Oh, Karen, you’re right. I have had the most fun I ever have had in my whole life in the past few months,” I said. “It’s just what I have left of a masculine ego keeps telling me I ought to be responsible and do the right thing.”

“The right thing is to tell it to shut the hell up. You don’t have any reason to go back to being Mark. There’s no one you are accountable to, and nothing to be responsible for. Everything Mark did you can do, and much more!

“In fact,” she continued, “once we get this mess with Cindy behind us, there’s no reason for Mark to ever come back. And I won’t miss him as long as I have my sister.”

We both ended up crying a bit. But they were tears of happiness at being together again after being forced to be apart. I vowed that whatever happened, I wouldn’t let anything come between my sister and me again.

I returned to my empty house. There were no messages. Phil hadn’t bothered to call even to let me know he’d made it to San Francisco safely.