SEATTLE GAL
Part 11
Revelations
 
by Susan Jean Charles
 
Jessica meets Lisa and learns about Phil’s past, then talks with Madeline about Phil's cheating. She has to become Mark again and has an insight. What took her so long?

 © 2012, by Susan J. Charles. All rights reserved
Edited by Holly H. Hart

I called Madeline the next day and arranged to get together for lunch. As an older, more experienced woman, I hoped she could help me. She couldn’t meet me until Wednesday. So I spent most of the day going over and over in my head what I’d say to her. It seemed like a loop of thought that boiled down to the same thing: “He cheated on me!”

What did I really know about Phil’s past life? Had he done this before? Was he a serial cheater? A chilling thought hit me. Would he get tired of me and throw me out? I just didn’t know.

The only person he’d ever spoken of from the past was Lisa. Could she help me if I could find her? Phil had gotten a Christmas card from a “Lisa, Bob and the kids.” Was that the same Lisa?

The cards and envelopes were still in a pile on Phil’s desk. I found the card from Lisa and Bob and saw from the return address that they just lived across the Sound in Bremerton. I looked up their phone number and called.

It turned out that she was the correct Lisa and she’d be happy to meet with me. “The only problem is it will have to be here. I can’t leave the kids alone during the day.”

That wouldn’t be a problem, so I arranged to meet her the next day. I offered to bring in lunch, so she told me about a cafe in Bremerton near the docks that furnished takeout. “I just love their chicken salads. The one with the grapes and walnuts is to die for! I’ll get the kids fed before you get here, so just get enough for the two of us.”

I promised to appear, chicken salad in hand, shortly after noon.

The passenger ferry across Puget Sound is kind of a fun ride. It has long benches running across most of the width of the boat with large windows on each side. You can stand outside, but most people prefer sitting inside, especially in January. I was glad I’d worn a jacket and jeans. The wind coming across the water is very chilling that time of year. The boat I was on is strictly a commuter operation, with no room for cars. It wound among the islands in the Sound making several stops before depositing me in Bremerton almost exactly at noon. I checked the return schedule and saw that if I caught the 4 p.m. ferry, I’d be back just about exactly on time. The cafe was just down the street from the dock. Soon, I was standing on Lisa’s front porch holding chicken salad and croissants.

Lisa opened her door, baby in hand. She was a pretty woman in her late 20s or early 30s, with brown hair and red highlights. Looking at her, I’d never have believed she’d ever been born a boy. She was just so maternal looking standing there with her baby.

“Hi, Lisa, I’m Jessica,” I said smiling. “Sorry to not shake hands, but we both seem to have things in them.”

“Please come in,” she replied, stepping aside to let me enter.

We passed two older children watching “Elmo” on a wide screen television. She led me into her kitchen and we sat at her kitchen table and dished out the chicken salad.

“I’ve got sodas, coffee or tea,” she offered. I decided hot tea would be nice after my ride across the water.

“So how is Phil?”

“Busy,” I said. “Working on a really huge deal worth a lot of money.”

“He is always working on a huge deal. Ever since we were kids, he had a bunch of irons in the fire.”

“Well, between you and me, I’m a little concerned that they’ve messed this one up,” I said as I spread the chicken salad on a croissant. “I did some analysis work on the project, but he and his bosses wouldn’t listen to my concerns.”

“Typical,” she replied. “Phil always thought he had everything in control. He would never let anyone see any doubts about whatever it was that he was doing.”

“So,” she said, switching subjects, “let’s talk about you. How long have you two been living together?”

“A little over six months,” I replied. “I moved in during the preseason after coming to his first football party.”

“And how long have you been transitioning?”

I paused. “Is it that obvious?”

“Oh no! If I didn’t know Phil, I never would have doubted for one second that you were a woman and had been born that way. But I know Phil, and the only women he will have anything to do with have something extra hidden in their panties.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. We grew up together. We were best buds in elementary school, did everything together. Then one day, Phil walked in on me when I was wearing one of my sister’s dresses.

“I almost died, but Phil was cool with it. In fact, he told me he liked seeing me as a girl. After that, it was Phil and Lisa doing things together as much as it was Phil and Ron. He helped, and covered for me a lot. When we were older, he even took me to the prom so I could experience what it was like to be a girl at a big dance, telling everyone I was a friend from out of town. I was in heaven, but I did notice Phil was kind of showing me off to everyone. At the time I was thrilled that everyone accepted me as a girl, but Phil kept going on and on about how he had the prettiest girl at the dance. It got a little embarrassing. After all, I didn’t want to call too much attention to myself and be discovered.

“Fortunately, no one recognized Ron under all that makeup in the pretty. strapless prom gown. But I remember wishing Phil would shut up.”

“I’ve seen that,” I commented. “He just goes on a little too much sometimes.”

“The prom convinced me I wanted to be a girl for good. Phil and I roomed together off campus in college and I became Lisa full-time. We were an item and began experimenting. Phil discovered he loved taking me the only way he could. I was pleased I could satisfy him that way, but I wanted more. I wanted to be a real girl.

“After college, we moved to Seattle and began working at an investment firm. I was lucky enough to find a little startup that had an idea to sell books over the internet. Not only did I put some of my own money into it, I also recommended it to some of my clients and ended up earning some big commissions.

“I did the same with a little chain of coffee shops which had started up in the area. Soon I had more than enough for my surgery. I fulfilled my dream and was a real woman at last.”

She had finished eating and had rocked her baby to sleep. She put him down in the crib while I finished my own salad and put the dishes in the sink. She checked on the two older children and then continued her story.

“I thought Phil would be thrilled that I could be a complete woman for him. After I healed, we made love using my new equipment. It was great for me, but Phil wasn’t so enthusiastic. He made some noises about want to spare me until I was completely healed and went back to taking me from behind. I tried to tell him I wanted to use my vagina, but he persisted.

“I’d also been more successful in the investment business than he’d been, and that was a big no-no. He wanted to be the one in charge, taking care of me as he had seen himself doing when we were in school. The fact that I’d done most of it on my own just wasn’t on his radar.

“The upshot was that he became more and more distant and a little mean to me. I finally moved out. Later, I met Bob and we fell in love. Bob works at the Naval Base. We moved over here and have adopted our wonderful kids. I can’t tell you how much I love being a mom!”

I felt so jealous. I loved watching her interaction with her children as we talked.

“So you are now a stay at home mom?”

“Have to be with kids this young. But I still sneak in a few trades a day for my clients. The internet is great that way.”

“What happened to Phil after you guys split up?”

“I heard he made a good connection with an international bank,” she replied. “After a couple of years he was doing well enough to get that big house you are living in and start being ‘Mr. Entertainment.’ The parties started as a way to impress the people at Phil’s new workplace, and kind of grew from there. Bob and I went to a few of his parties before we moved across the Sound. I even got to know the new girl he was with. She was a T-girl like us. It wasn’t hard to see, if you knew what to look for. Like me, once she had her SRS, it didn’t take long for them to split up. And that’s been Phil’s pattern ever since.

“I love him for what he did for me,” she continued. “I really needed him for a time. Now I’m so sorry he can’t find someone to really settle down with. I’m hoping you might be the one. That’s why I agreed to meet you.”

I bowed my head for a minute. “I don’t know what to tell you,” I said. “We live together. I’m his hostess. We have sex, but once I began talking about getting surgery to finish the direction I’m headed, Phil began to distance himself. I keep telling myself it’s just the big deal they are working on, but I don’t know.”

Lisa reached over and gave me a big hug. “Do you love him?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve been coming off a big breakup trauma myself, so I’ve been avoiding the ‘L’ word.”

“Are you sure you want to be a woman?” she asked softly.

“I think so,” I replied.

“Don’t take that final step until you are absolutely sure. It was right for me, but I can’t speak for anyone else. It’s got to be completely right for you before you do it.”

I thanked her for our talk. We agreed to keep in touch and I walked out her door knowing I’d made another friend.

Lisa had given me a lot of insight and the ferry ride back to Seattle was a great time to process it. I did some heavy thinking as I watched the waves. The skyline of Seattle was beautiful from the water. It was a clear day for once, so the mountains formed a magnificent backdrop for the city. Although it was wet and cloudy much of the time, days like this one made up for all the moisture.

Just as I got back on dry land, I got a text from Phil. A bunch of big shots from out of town had come in and Phil needed to host a dinner tonight. ‘Way to give a girl some lead time,’ I thought. ‘Thank goodness I’ve kept up my stash of emergency meals!’

I made it home about an hour before Phil, and had dinner waiting. But the house wasn’t as clean as I would have liked it to be.

The next day was my luncheon with Madeline. As I pulled the panties up my legs, I again thought how nice they felt with that soft silkiness touching my skin. Why had I taken so long to start wearing such nice feeling clothing every day? I’d decided to wear my silk rose blouse and my gray skirt suit. On a whim, I put on black patterned pantyhose. My black heels completed my outfit.

Since I was wearing a “professional” outfit, I spent some time putting my hair up and putting on some daytime makeup. With small pearl earrings and a single strand of pearls around my neck, I was ready to go.

Since the hospital was on my way, I left early so I had a chance to see Deanna. Her face lit up when I walked into her room. “Jessica!” she squealed.

“Hey, kiddo. Looking good!”

She did look better. She still had a lot of the bandages, and that cast was still on her head, but the bruises on her face were fading. I noticed she had a picture on her table. It was of her and two other girls who looked like they came out of the same gene pool. All with curly red hair and button noses.

“These are you and your sisters, I’d bet.”

“How did you guess?” she asked.

“I’m psychic,”

She grinned and pointed to the girls in the picture. “This is Sarah. She’s three going on four, and this is Millicent, but we call her Millie. She’s five. We all got our names from our grandmothers.”

“Nice to meet you, Sarah and Millicent,” I said, curtseying to the picture. Deanna laughed.

“Listen, Deanna,” I said. “I can’t stay long, but I wanted you to know that I have a surprise for you. I’ll bring it by the end of the week.”

Of course, she wanted to know what it was and I was adamant that I wasn’t going to spoil the surprise by telling her.

“If you come by Friday afternoon, my sisters can see it too!” she said. “Daddy has arranged for me to meet them downstairs in the lobby.”

“Great,” I said. “I’d like to meet them in person. What time?”

And so, I had a date with three other redheads for 4:30 Friday.

Madeline and I met at a seafood restaurant down by the bay. It had several secluded alcoves looking out over the water, and we asked for one.

We made small talk for a while. I was nervous and didn’t know where to begin. Fortunately, Madeline took the lead in our conversation. Right after we’d ordered, she took my hand and looked into my eyes. “All right, Jessica, what’s troubling you?”

“I almost don’t know where to start. I guess the most important thing is that at our Super Bowl party last Sunday, Phil cheated on me.”

“At your party?”

“Yes. I was busy seeing that everything was going okay and getting food out of the kitchen. I happened to see Phil and one of the other Sea Gals heading upstairs, but was too busy to do anything. Later, I heard her telling her friends about it.”

“And how did you feel?”

“Hurt, angry, betrayed, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because Phil and I are together,” I replied.

“You are living with him, but did you ever talk about being exclusive?” Madeline asked.

“Well, not in so many words. I just assumed ...”

“You assumed. He obviously didn’t. So let’s go over the arrangements you made when you moved in.”

She already knew most of the story of how Phil and I had met, and that, lacking a job or funds, Phil had offered me a place to stay. In return, he’d asked me to be the hostess for his parties and dinners.

“We just fell into a pattern, and started sleeping together.”

“And, like a lot of girls, you assumed a relationship that Phil didn’t,” she said. “I’m not saying there weren’t some expectations on both sides, but you didn’t communicate them to each other, did you?”

“No, I guess not.”

“You know, this could be viewed as a great opportunity to start talking to one another,” she said. “At least you aren’t married. You have a chance to see if you still want to stay together. When one finds oneself married to a man who has cheated, it gets a lot messier.”

“Forgive me if I’m a little out of line,” I said. “But the way you say that, it sounds like you’ve had experience along those lines.”

“Of course, I have,” she replied. “All men cheat occasionally. It’s in their nature. They’re programmed to want to screw any floozy who shows a little cleavage and leg. I’ve seen Steve looking down your blouse more than once.”

I blushed. “I haven’t done anything to encourage Steve.”

“No, of course not,” Madeline replied. “You are too young and naive for such behavior. It just happens because you are a very attractive young woman. You probably have no idea how many men become stiff when you walk by. But it happens. We expect it to happen.

“And, because it happens, sometimes the time and place and opportunity comes along and those men who are weak, succumb. It usually happens on out-of-town business trips. I used to not mind as much, but since the AIDS thing came up, I’ve accompanied Steve on a lot more of his trips.”

“And you really don’t mind?” I asked.

“Of course I mind. It’s more that I’ve had to accept it. Look, men are weak. It’s in their DNA. A pretty girl makes their hormones go crazy.”

“But, you are married.”

“And that means something else to men than it does to us,” she replied. “Men have a different way of looking at things. They go around with these checklists in their heads. As they accomplish one of the things on the list, they mentally check it off and don’t think about it again. One of the boxes they check is to get some woman to take care of them. Once they have that, they go on to other things on their list and don’t really think about that any more.

“We, on the other hand, look at everything as being connected. We are programmed to find a man to take care of, and to have his children to keep the human race going. One thing flows to several other things, and they are all connected.

“Of course, you are young enough to think you can have it all, without any tradeoffs. It was only in my mother’s time that women had to start working outside the home to have enough family income to keep going. In my grandmother’s time, women were expected to stay at home unless something like a war took the men away.

“Due to a lot of work by women in my mother’s generation and in mine, you younger women have a lot more opportunities going for you. But the men haven’t caught up with that.”

“I suppose you’re right,” I said. “I fully expected to work when I got out of college. In fact, I was working until things got so mixed up.” I wasn’t going to tell Madeline everything.

“When I suddenly didn’t have an income, I’d just really started seeing Phil. I liked him and he offered me support. But now, he’s become distant. I sometimes think we’re together for what I am, rather than who I am.”

“There’s a big element of truth in that,” Madeline said. “Many of us are in our relationships just because we can offer a man what’s between our legs. It’s what keeps things going. If we’re lucky, we get a partner who we can relate to at a level above the sexual one, but it doesn’t happen in a lot of instances.”

“So what does a woman do?” I asked.

“What we’ve done for thousands of years,” she replied. “Make the best of the situation we’re in. Survive. Decide that we’re willing to put up with, and what to try to change. In these times, at least, we have choices. We haven’t always had those choices.

“What you need to do is decide what it is you want, and how to get it. Remember, you are not going to change Phil. He’s pretty well set by this time. You can only change you, and make yourself into what you want to be. If Phil is a part of that, fine. If not, decide how you are going to change your situation.

“You’ve got so much going for you, Jessica,” she continued, taking my hand again. “You have so many talents and skills that you should be able to write your own ticket. Just stop thinking about your lacks and start thinking about your possibilities.”

By that time, we’d finished lunch. A sailboat glided past our window and I idly wondered where it was going. I was starting to think about where I wanted to go, too.

“You’ve been a great help, Madeline,” I said. “Thanks!”

“Oh honey,” she replied, “Mothering younger women is one of the things I like to do best.”

I thought about what she’d said as I got ready for my therapy appointment the next day. I waited until Phil had gone to work and then started transforming myself into Mark. I straightened my hair and pulled it into a low ponytail. I made sure all my makeup and nail polish was off. I was not going to cut my nails, however. I filled in my brows as best I could with eyebrow pencil. Then I took off my all-in-one and put aside my breasts.

The male undergarments were horrible! The cloth was coarse. The pants didn’t fit well at all, and the tie felt like it was strangling me. The male wing tip shoes were stiff and I felt like I was slamming my heels into the ground with every step I took. I put a little makeup over the holes in my ears and took a look. I decided I could pass as Mark, barely.

As I drove to my appointment, I felt the shutting-down that I’d always had when going from Jessica back to Mark. I felt heavy and withdrawn. I tried to bring back my Mark voice and found it took a while to drop my pitch at all.

I kept shifting as I sat. I’d untaped and was really uncomfortable having things squishing around between my legs. I kept trying to close my legs, and squeezing the equipment. It wasn’t pleasant.

I was just about to step out of the car carrying my purse when I remembered that men don’t carry purses. So I grabbed my keys and checkbook, stuffed them into my pockets and put my purse in the trunk. I should have had a billfold, but I hadn’t thought of it and my regular woman’s wallet was too bulky to fit into any of my pockets.

I walked into the office, consciously remembering to keep my hands down. The receptionist looked up. “Je...that is, Mark Stafford to see Tina,” I said.

“Oh, of course, sir,” she replied. “Please have a seat.”

I sat down and had to stop myself from crossing my legs. I started to pick up a Cosmo and dropped it in favor of a Sports Illustrated. It was an old one, but had a feature about the cheerleaders of the NFL. I found myself wondering if I could be in next year’s feature.

Finally I was called and clumped into the Tina’s inner office. I felt really heavy.

“Mark?” she said. “I’m glad you’re here.”

We shook hands and I had to remember to give her a firm handshake, but one not as hard as a man would give to another man. I sat down with my knees together and then remembered to spread my legs apart.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Awful. I’ve forgotten so much. My clothes, even the way I carry my body just doesn’t seem right.”

“Yet you have said that this is what you should go back to being?”

“Well, it is, isn’t it? This is the way I was born. This is the way I should be.”

“The word ‘should’ implies a value judgment. I’d rather talk about what is.”

We talked more about what I felt, and how I had always felt when going back to being Mark after being Jessica. I kept having to rein in my hands when I started talking and just gradually shut down. I had trouble keeping my voice low, and my throat was beginning to feel strained from doing it.

Finally she asked, “Okay, what would you like to do right now?”

“Tear this suit off and get back into a skirt!” I shouted.

“Exactly, but why?”

“It’s all uncomfortable,” I said.

“How?”

“The clothes don’t feel right and ...” I stopped.

“And?” she asked.

“I can’t do this. I don’t feel right as Mark. I want to be me and stop having to worry about everything I do,” I said. “I can’t keep this up.”

“Why?” she asked again.

“Because this isn’t who I am. I’m… I’m ...” I broke down crying. “I’m a woman. I’m Jessica.”

“Yes, you are,” she said gently. “I’ve watched you trying to be a man, but you’re not. I don’t think you ever were. And you tried so hard that you, as Mark, had just about shut down.

“You are so alive as Jessica,” she continued. “You are almost not alive as Mark. You’ve told me how you retreated into programming to shut out the pressures to try and be Mark. If your wife hadn’t forced the issue, I doubt if you’d have lasted another year before you cracked. She did you a big favor.”

I nodded, my tears flowing. How could I have ignored the obvious? I had been so busy enjoying just being able to be Jessica, that I’d ignored the meaning of the fact that I was succeeding. I was Jessica and always had been. Thank God Karen had the insight to see that. She’d found me and encouraged me to be me around her. Thanks to her, I’d had something of a girlhood, and had grown up knowing a lot of girl things. And I’d almost destroyed that trying to be Mark. It was just a huge mix-up.

“Jessica,” Tina said. “I’m going to write Sandy a letter. You have my permission to be Jessica for the rest of your life if you want. And if you choose, I’m recommending you go on hormones. Depending on how that goes you’ll be able to get the surgery to complete yourself if you so choose.”

I drove home in almost a daze. I felt so liberated! I mean, I knew I’d talked with Fred about getting my records changed, and had talked with Sandy about surgery. But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d always had the thought that I had to go back to being Mark.

That wasn’t there anymore!

I could be Jessica for the rest of my life. I felt so relieved!

At home, I almost tore off the Mark suit. I took a bath and threw in some scented bath gels.

I spent some time putting the curl back into my hair and making sure my eyebrows were properly shaped. I did my nails and put the prettiest pink polish I’d ever seen on them. I celebrated the fun I had making myself pretty again.

I put on one of my sweater dresses and loved the way it fit my curves. Soon I’d have real curves! I gloried in the way my rear end felt as my panties slipped across my silky slip, and the way I was completely dressed and yet could feel the inner parts of my thighs rubbing skin against each other. I loved the way my legs felt as the hem of my skirt gently touched them as I moved.

In short, I was intoxicated with the whole feeling of being a girl. It was as if I’d not been doing it for almost a year straight.

About that time, Phil called with yet another hurry-up dinner for me to fix and host. Even then, I couldn’t let go of how good it felt to be doing things that a woman does around the house. I liked the fact that what I was doing would bring enjoyment and pleasure to others. I also liked feeling I was attractive and the people at the dinner would enjoy looking at me. Okay, maybe I was going a little overboard. But I was in the process of changing everything about the way I viewed myself on a very basic level.

I like to believe that I was a charming hostess at dinner than evening. I glowed at the compliments I received on the dinner and how nice the house looked. It was only later that reality set in. I had to start looking at my future. Phil would never pay for my surgery. He liked things just the way they were. He was getting a cook, hostess, and sex toy all rolled into one for the price of keeping me. Considering who the people were that we’d entertained that evening, it was a good investment for him. He was definitely on his way up. But did I want to go along for that ride?