"...I do so many weird things, that if I didn't do something weird, that would be weird, but this wasn't about the weird things that I do a lot, but is weird in a whole new weird way of being weird,..."

Letters from Sky

By Jan S

Part 13

 © 2008 by Jan S

---

>>Monday, May 19th (noon)

aawwhh, Marsh,
I'd hoped you hadn't looked at that stupid letter, and I could tell you to never read it in the subject to here.

I was just being real dumb.

I woke up Lisa and everything when I was writing you, and yes I was just real, real upset. But we talked, and she got her mom too, and I called Daddy, and that helped, because hearing him, hearing how much I'd scared him, made me know he couldn't have done any of that.

But what it was, was that yesterday I found out that Amanda's Mom is Dr Ross. And I knew her Mom worked with peeps that want to be girls, or boys too, and aren't. Or that are but don't look like it, really is what it is. But I also learned that Ann and Becky are also her cousins, because she knew they weren't coming to the pool. And then I asked Kaezee on the phone if Dr Ross was her shrink, and she is.

And that just seemed weird to me that Daddy had sent me there before the clothes stuff started, and last night Daddy said that, when I was in the hospital, I had said that I didn't care about my body anyway because it is just a prison. And I remember saying it, Marsha, but I was just being like deep and philosophical and stuff when I did it, but it scared him to hear. And I also said it wasn't where I belonged too, and it meant that I had to do things I didn't want to.

And that and the things you've told me about about when I was little made him want me to see Dr. Ross, because she is kind of almost famous, and she doesn't only do gender stuff but has done other things too.

And so that made me feel a lot better. A lot.

And Ms Y. had never known I was her patient at all.

So Ms Y called her, and I had an extra long session today, and she said she never tells anyone, ever, who her clients are; and Ann and Becky and Amanda didn't know; and Kaezee met Ann at an Ani-con, and only knew that Kaezee saw her if Kaezee had said it; and Amanda knew that one girl because she knew her before she started seeing Dr. Ross, when they were real little. She tries to help people find who they are, not find boys she can make be what they aren't, is what she said.

So I guess it doesn't sound like a plot anymore, OK? But I'm still real confused. Real, real. And Dr. Ross says things went way too fast, maybe; and that I can stop being a girl right now if I want. And when I got back here, I almost did. But the thing is, and it's real stupid, the more I get worried about it and think of it, the more I want to look more and more like a girl, and wish people knew that.

OK? OK, that's the whole story about my freak out thing last night.

Now I got to make it up to everyone. I don't know what I can do. Because I woke up people, and Lisa is all worried, and Ms Y sat in my room all night and canceled all her appointments for today because they are afraid I'm going to hurt myself again. And I don't feel anything at all like I did that time. In fact, it's like the very opposite. But I can't get people to understand how that was still.

And I missed my stomach doctor appointment and have to see him and Dr. Ross again tomorrow.

And I'm real sorry to scare you and all, and how do I make it up to Ms Y for all that? And to you and Daddy too? I'm just sorry I freaked.

And anyway, Marsh, the other thing is, I'm worried about you and Michael being at that house these days. I guess you were for holidays, but this is longer, and might be different. And she is different too.

Take care, OK? And I'm not being an old mother hen, and I wasn't either about the drinking stuff. I just don't want you to get in trouble and stuff because it would hurt Daddy and things.

I love you! Really!

Loves and Hugs,
Sky

---

---

>>Monday, May 19th (night)

Hi again, Marsh,
Yep, I am feeling lots better, thanx.

Yeah, I can believe she did that. I can. So now what are you going to do? There are Starbucks and Barnes and Nobles out here, if you just want, you know. Please. It would be nice. But I know it would be really final with her to do that, like you said. Maybe Michael would want to too if he's really doing that.

I had a really, really long talk with Ms Y. today, and she was like all apologizing about all the stuff with me pretending last month and, Mars, I really felt bad because I don't really think it was like all her now, because I think I really did like it right from then, and all. And she did say again how much I seemed to be a girl as soon as I got around them and had a girl's job, or mostly a girl's one. And she said she couldn't remember, but right from the first night they must have said "she" and "her" about me, and I'd thought about that, and I never noticed, and I'd wondered how they hadn't ever, and had even thought that was part of the plot, but she thinks I just didn't pay attention to them, and she thinks that it would be impossible to get Wendy or Lisa to pull that off for very long, and she's right. When Wendy gets going I don't think she could think to say her for him, if she thought it was a boy.

And I told her how I remembered the time we went to breakfast, which was the first time I picked to wear girl stuff for no reason, and Wendy had said, "Even though Sky's a boy, she could still wear a dress." And I still remember that real well. And maybe it was because of "boy" and "she" being right there, but I noticed it big, big time. And she said that maybe I'd right away been happy to have the chance is all, but that it's not her field, it is Dr. Ross's. But I know Dr. Ross would never say things like that unless I said them, because that is what shrinks usually do.

I need to write Daddy a letter, big time, still, so more tomorrow, don't be scared about me, OK. I'm lots better, I think. Just embarrassed around Lisa and Ms Y., but they act like it's nothing at all, which doesn't really help.

Really, really think about coming out here, Marsh!!!!

Loves and Hugs,
Sky

---

---

>>Monday, May 19th (night)

Hi, Daddy!
Thank you for the GIANT virtual hug!! I did really need that!

I'd never thought of doing that in an email, Daddy. And you say I'm the real silly one, huh? :-)

No, I don't think it had anything to do with the things with that Zack boy, just with learning things all at once, maybe. Ms Y says that it might be because things got out of my way all the sudden, and I could be different. And that I was just lucky to meet so many people that knew things like this happen. I don't know.

I'm happy, really, that you aren't canceling your things. I would just feel worse if you did that, Daddy. Please, please don't. I'm not going to run away again, or even back to the apartment, and I'm not going to hurt myself any more; this is different. This is a lot different than then. OK? I promise!!

OK -- But, Daddy, have you heard from Marsha and Michael lately? She called to Marsha's internship place and told them Marsha didn't want it, and Marsha has to get job at a store or something. I know Marsh wanted to work at the museum a lot, Daddy. And she was going to have a part time job too anyway.

And Michael went to a friend's house when he left the dorm, and Marsha thinks he might be bumming invites, so he doesn't have to go there at all before he goes to his camp job, and that's not for a month. I told Marsha she could come here, I thought. She can can't she? And Michael too? Please.

Well, it is a real bad report today on the computer classes too. But it's because I was at the Dr Ross's all morning, and then I talked to Ms Y. for a long time, and I feel real stupid about putting her and Lisa through all that, you know. And she made me lie down for a while to rest. When the other girls got back she woke me and then made me go to Lisa's soccer practice so I'd run around so I'd sleep tonight. It's grown-up's logic, Daddy; you must understand it.

Lisa is on a real good team though, and so is Amanda. It's not super select or anything, but their coach is real good I think, and she said I could try out for her co-ed travel team for next year. Lisa and Amanda are going to. At the Hall that would mean I wouldn't have to do school PE, but it's three times a week, and games at least every other week in fall and spring, and some are a long way away. Do you think that would be OK though?

The coach didn't have an accent really, but she did call soccer "football", so she must be real serious about it, right? I've always thought that was a better name for it anyway, and that it was dumb to call that other game I used to have to play "football". She also calls the field a "pitch" though, and that is equally as dumb IMHO. I mean that is only because they used to play it the same places they played cricket, and it has nothing to do with football.

But listen, Daddy, the British also call parking lots "car parks", and that is worse, because cars can't enjoy them, and would just mess up all the grass and hurt the trees, right? :-)

When I told Ms Y that, she said we were driving on a parkway and when we got home were going to park on a driveway (but she didn't, she went into the garage.) :-P

OK, I know your thinking, "Sky, (or is it Jude?) is rambling, she must be real tired." So I'll say good night (and, also, Lisa is trying to peek over my shoulder.)

So:

(---HUG---)

right back at you!!! Only tighter. :-)))

I love you.

2 More Days!!

Loves and Hugs, Lots
Sky

P.S.: I really, really do feel a lot better about things tonight. I guess, even if it was all a plot, it was a real, real nice one for me.

---

---

>>Tuesday, May 20th (late morning)

Hey, Mike
Hey, Marsha told me like you never showed up there, and are staying with friends and stuff. She thinks you might be like your trying to stay away. If you want, you could like come visit here and stuff. There's an extra room and all. If you want, you know?

Look, Mike, just write Daddy is all, OK? Sometimes he won't start about something, because he's like: "It's for you to bring up," you know? At least he is with me lots. So just talk to him, OK?

I'd like it a lot too, really. It would be great to see you and all too.

I'm a lot different now though. I lost a ton of weight (OK - never really weighed a ton :-P but, you know), and I wear my hair different and other stuff. You might really freak, but I hope not. Anyway, I'd like you to see anyway.

But Mike, what I've got to do is figure out if I do it just because I want to be different from what I was, or if what I was always was different from me really. And OK, that makes a lots more since in my head, and it's kind of what some people have been telling me but, Mike, do you want to figure that out too? But I don't know, some how that makes sense, but maybe I'm crazy and don't know it.

Please. Just come.

Loves,
Sky

---

---

>>Tuesday, May 20th (early afternoon)

Hi, Marsh
Are you doing OK? I think I am, but I'm not sure. I'm not all freaked now anyway.

First the good news: My stomach is all better. I still can't eat tons and tons of tomatoes and orange juice and things like that, but I can have some. But I've started to like white pizza!

And my doctor said he thinks that Memorial Day is the end of May, and he hasn't looked at a calendar, but that I can swim and stuff then!! One week!

And when I saw Dr. Ross we mainly talked about the difference between wanting to be something different and wanting to be what we are but can't be; you know what I mean? And that was as bad as what I said to Mike a little while ago almost.

But I just mean I'm not all freaked out anymore, just still kind of real, real down. But not like I was last winter. I keep having to say that because of things I did then, and now I'm just confused, not like then.

And I think even if it was a plot, it was a nice one because I like where I got to most of the time, but now Dr. Ross is like trying to talk me out of it, so that pretty much means it wasn't one anyway, right?

So anyway, any thing else happen there? I guess our old ground rule about not mentioning her is gone, huh? Is that OK?

Mike said something: We all had to be a certain way. We could make mistakes and screw up, but they had to be the right ways, the ones she could talk to people about, and they would say, "Yes, they do that." But if it didn't fit the role we weren't being like "Her child" would be. He says she was like that with him too, and he says she was with you too too.

Daddy told me once that some people raise children; he didn't say he meant her; but that ranchers raise cattle, not calves; and dog guys raise dogs, not puppies, and people should raise grown-ups. Maybe it is just dumb kid stuff, but I think they link up. I think she was raising us to just be her kids, her things, not real people, always. And maybe you and Mike growing up had something to do with her getting even worse about me, but also I was always the furthest from what "Her kid" 'specially "Her son" would be because of the things you told me about, I think.

Alright, I know what people all think when little kids, like me, try to get deep and figure out the world and things, and maybe it's all just kiddy stuff and doesn't make real sense. But it's what I think anyway.

But, so, anyway, I'm not trying to stop you from loving Mama, Marsh. I'm just trying to understand things myself. I do hope you come out here, but if you don't want to maybe it would be good for her. 'Cuz I don't want her to hurt.

But I don't want you too more.

Loves and Hugs,
Sky

---

---

>>Tuesday, May 20th (night)

OK, Marsh,
I got something new to talk about!

Want to hear about it? It's weird.

I guess I do so many weird things that, if I didn't do something weird, that would be weird, but this wasn't about the weird things that I do a lot, but is weird in a whole new weird way of being weird, like it's not as weird as that weird stuff, but it is even weirder in the weird way that it is weird. OK?

And yeah, I decided to see how many times I could use "weird" in a sentence on that. :-P But I didn't start 'til I was half through; I bet I coulda done more if I thought of it at the beginning.

But so anyway, what I did was give Zack a flower.

I don't know why, Marsh!!! It was really dumb; I mean after all that stuff. And I don't know what he's told his father, but he called Daddy last week, and he wants to see us tomorrow. Just the first night Daddy is back and everything, and I already think Daddy thinks I did something. And it's not like I can prove anything. And I don't want to do that on his first night back, you know.

But then he was sitting by the walk right after getting bawled out by the woman that runs the rec center, and just looking at one leaf of his flower, and I did. Well I gave it to Wendy to give him.

See, Lisa and I went back to the pottery room after origami and were helping to put the things on the rack for the kiln. That was because some pieces of mine fell off when it was fired, but the lady said I could still glaze them and keep them, and I hope I can get them back on, and it will still be pretty. And they are small and delicate so I was helping.

And there was a fight out by the soda machines, and someone was calling someone names, and we went out to look, and it was Zack, and they were just all just yelling at each other about not having enough for drinks, and I think trying to get Zack to buy some, but he was saying he didn't have money, and he had paid lots of times, and they should this time.

And so see, in origami we had made lotus flowers. I don't know if it is officially origami, because we used lots of different pieces of paper and then glued them together, and origami is supposed to be just one piece, I think. But they were still real nice because it was our last project.

And so Zack, even while he was fighting, or yelling at least, was holding his in his hand with his palm up, being real careful, you know. And during the class, he had worked real hard on it, which was strange, because usually he just did what we were doing real fast, you know, followed the instructions but didn't, like, try to learn them or do it good, or he would try to make everything into something else. But today he didn't do that, and his had about twelve or more pedals on it, and mine only had eight, and his were real good ones.

So one of the other boys knocked the lotus out of his hand, and then another boy stepped on it on purpose and scraped it along the floor so it all came apart. Then Zack pushed that guy into the soda machine, and yelled about supposed to having to take that home to prove he hadn't skipped and the boy knowing it, and Zack's partner from fishing was there, and he stood between them, and then the pottery teacher told them to leave, but the lady that runs the whole rec center came and told them not to come back until they had a parent talk to her, and to go out different directions.

OK, after we had got the kiln loaded Lisa and I went and talked to the head lady because, even if we don't like Zack, it seemed like she should know the other boys started it with the flower stuff, and also that Jeff, that's the boy in fishing, was just trying to stop it.

And when we went outside, Ms Y. was waiting in the car, and Wendy was over on the swings, and Zack was sitting on the curb looking at the one pedal that was still hooked to his green stand thing he'd made. And, I don't know, but I told Wendy to take my flower over to him but not tell him whose it was or anything. And she said he asked if she was Lisa's sister, but she didn't answer.

So, I don't know why I did it. Just real dumb or something, and tomorrow we meet with him and his 'rent.

But, at least, Daddy will be home tomorrow!! He gets in about twelve if his planes on time, but he still has to go to his office and to the hospital some too, so I won't see him 'til dinner time. I ordered stuff to do stuffed chicken breast for his dinner, because did you know you can order that stuff online? We do it mostly, especially for dinner. And they'll bring it tomorrow, and I hope Andrea doesn't get mad that I want to cook, but I told you she's being nice now, right? And why?

Gees, Marsh, I g2g. I still have to write Daddy's letter, and Lisa and them have already finished the show they were doing. Bye.

Loves and Hugs,
Sky

---

---

>>Tuesday, May 20th (night)

Hi, Daddy
Last report! Yea!!!!

OK, I got a whole unit of the English done, and a half of one of the Math and some of the Science too!!! Yea me!?

OK, I know that's not really much, but it's been hard and I've been busy with things.

But you'll be here tomorrow and can yell at me in person. OK?

And the Doctor said that my stomach is doing great, and I can stop worrying about foods so much, AND that May ends on Memorial Day, and I can swim that day!! But I know you will talk to them about it and get details. But don't talk him out of it, PLEASE!!

And, OK, I'm all over that whole thing from that night, OK?

Could you try to get home early tomorrow? That way you will have more time to tell me I should have done and computer stuff too, right?

I love you, and I can't wait. Bye.

LoveHugLoveHug LoveHugLoveHug LoveHugLoveHug LoveHug,
Sky

---