"...Marsh, I mean, I know lots of boys do babysit, but they don't brag about it. They would wear shirts that say "World's Best Lawn Mower," or something. Right?"

>>Wednesday, April 2nd (night)

Hi!!
That was all pretty lame, huh? But I couldn' say, "Hey, there's a bug on your shoulder," in an email, could I?

Yeah, I know you don't really need custody things now you're eighteen -- just didn't think of it. And I'm glad we're still half-sibs and family like you said, even if your mother isn't mine anymore. I know this is mushy and stuff but you, and Mike too -- sometimes kind of -- were real good big sibs, really. OK - 'nough of that.

My school really sucks big time - and is weird. But at least Zack didn't tell anyone I'm a babysitter yet, I don't think.

You and Jim doing OK? Do you make-out with him and stuff, Mar? Just wondering -- I know I shouldn't ask that stuff, so don't bother telling if you don't want. It's too bad you're too old to go and see "Horton". It really was funny. Maybe that's why teenagers have babies, so they can see the good kid's movies still. :-p Maybe not.

And I guess Wendy and Lisa liked me a ton as a babysitter. Because today when I was going into Dad's office, because I had to see a Doctor and it's in a different building but in the same place, so on those days I wait for Dad and ride home with him, I saw Ms. Younger and Wendy and Lisa in the lobby because Lisa had been to a doctor too. And I have another job this weekend because she is going to a play, and it's Shakespeare. I told her Dad is crazy about that stuff, and it turns out he is going with her (isn't that neat! But I think it's just going as friends or a group thing probably.) And it's going to be a real, real long time -- from before six until almost one at least, but Dad had already said that was OK.

Lisa was real happy about it, and she asked if I could just spend the night because it was so late. And it's weird because Ms Y. didn't think that was weird at all, even when Lisa said I'd sleep in her bed (But Wendy was jealous and so we're going to be using sleeping bags in the den). I didn't say I'd stay all night but said I'd like to babysit (I said "come over" so I'm not pushing it in Lisa's face like.), but that I'd have to talk to Dad about the over-night part. Dad said it was up to me though, but he'd say "no" if I ask him to, and I could say I want to use the guest room if I do do it too. I don't mind doing it, but you know it's real weird too, even if it is part of babysitting, and Lisa doesn't seem like a little kid to me, you know. So what do you think?

And here is the other weird thing, and it makes it even harder to say no to Lisa's whole plan: They said they had been going up to Dad's office because, when they were early for the Doctor's, they had found a present for me. And Ms Y said it was all their idea, and she had nothing to do with it, and they were even going to pay her for it. And what it is is a t-shirt that says, "World's Greatest Babysitter" on it. And it's like a real light blue - that they said was like my eyes - and it has the letters in real scroll-y letters, in red and yellow and sparkly. And they said if I wear it a lot I'll get lots more jobs, and I did act like I like it -- but, you know, Marsh, I mean, I know lots of boys do babysit, but they don't brag about it. They would wear shirts that say "World's Best Lawn Mower," or something. Right?

So it's a gag thing right? And they don't think I'm going to wear it - I have it on now, and it also has - not puffy, but real short sleeves that stick out too and is, you know, shaped, not like a regular t-shirt. They got 'a know only a girl oooo

You know Wendy wanted me to take her to the girl's room at the movie, and then Lisa asked if Zack was my boyfriend too, and I thought -- oohhh - they do shhhhhiii

No ---- I - Mar, ----- they can't, can they? nvm - I g2g -- is nine thirty to late to call her? g2g

>>Wednesday, April 2nd (night, about an hour later)

Hi. I didn't call her. I mean how do you ask someone if they think you're a girl or not? I just can't. I thought of asking Dad -- but it's way to embarrassing. I got to talk to her, don't I? What do you think?

And what if she doesn't! Then I'm even nuts-er, right?

I -- bye
Sky

>>Thursday, April 3rd (early afternoon)

OK, Marsh, I did call her at last. I did it during lunch from my cell, and I just said it right out in a voice mail. I just said it real fast, "Do you think I'm a girl, Ms Younger, because I'm not and don't know why you would think that," and asked her to call me, please, this afternoon, and then I thought someone, maybe the girls, would hear it too.

But I had to do it because even teachers had noticed how I was worried like, and then after I called I felt even worse and went to the nurse and got sent home, and Dad told them he'd send a taxi, and that that was OK. I called her from the cab, and she answered and had heard the message and was like: But your name is Judy. You went into the girl's locker with Becky and Ann. You were wearing pink shoes, and I was like: I can't talk, because I didn't want the driver to hear, you know, but that bugged her, and when I got out I said about it being Jude and only Dad adding the Y, which I had told her; and the door from the men's locker being being fixed and there being a pathway; and the shoes being only raspberry and borrowed. And she listened to me, at least, but was still mad and said she has to think about ... brb.

-- I know it's dumb to do that in a letter -- That was Ms Younger calling and she is on her way over here. I hope she doesn't hit me and stuff. She sounded better at least. Got to clean up the living room real quick.

Write soon, please, Marsh.

Sky

>Thursday. April 3rd (afternoon, almost two hours later)

Hi, Mar,
So she wasn't real mad at all but said how she was the one that made the mistake, but why had I let it go on. And I was like "I didn't know!" and that. And she looked at me real close, and asked if that had never happened before, and I said not really, but maybe sometimes when I was little by strangers at stores (because I remembered this one check-out lady), but it was because I was so fat. And she was like, "or people didn't because you were large."

And she asked how I felt about it, and I said embarrassed mostly, and don't know how they could go on so long. And she smiled at that - and then at me. And I was sitting on my knees on the couch and wanted to just shrink up to nothing when she looked at me.

So she said that she didn't know if I could keep being her babysitter, but that was only because of confusion, and that we both would see how it worked out. She was saying she didn't think anything was wrong with boys sitting, even with girls, but that she would never have hired one on purpose, probably, and didn't know if it would work now.

I told her how I hoped we could still be friends and stuff, and that she and Dad could too.

She was worried too that Wendy and, especially, Lisa would be mad at her for hiring a boy, and not believe she didn't know. Then she asked -- and she was real nice about it and all -- if I would mind babysitting once more still, and not to tell the girls anything about it, because she didn't want to ruin all their plans for Saturday, because they were looking forward to it so much.

Yeah - I was all "Uuuggh," too.

She says only if I want to, and I said how I don't want to trick them. And she says, "Then don't, Sky, just do what you have been doing. Don't tell them you are a girl, but you don't have to tell them you're not either. OK."

"But," I said, "what about seeing them without clothes already and maybe again."

And she took a deep breath, and she said, "You told me you were used to it. I realize now why that was so odd to you, but it was a boy who said he was used to it. If that's really true, then it isn't a problem for me and won't be for them either. They skinny dip in the back yard, Sky, and sometimes some boys join them, but boys that are used to what they are seeing. So is it true?"

And I said, "Yeah, of course." And that's true. I wasn't thinking about other stuff either, I mean they're just kids.

So, now I'm spending that night with some girls that think I'm a girl -- is my life totally weird or what? Do you think this is OK? I still feel like it is lying - a little bit anyway.

So, OK, talk about something else ---How's Jim? How's Econ? How are you?

I know you're all busy, but write when you get the chance. I am so "I don't know," you know?

Love ya lots,
Sky

>Friday, April 4th (afternoon)

Hi, Marsha,
It's kind of OK. I mean I guess I'm happy you don't know what I should do too, you know; it means it is too weird. Yeah, I'm not going to wear make-up or do anything to try to fool them at all, but still now I have to think about what I would have done. I don't know if I would have gone ahead and worn that shirt tomorrow, but I think I would have really.

And I should tell Dad, and I almost did last night and this morning too. But I just can't. He made me stay home from school today because of getting sick yesterday, though I know I'm better, but I couldn't tell him why I was sick, could I?

OK so, I didn't realize in college it took forever to get test back. I hate teachers that do that. And you're really writing a paper on "Beauty and the Beast"? In college? How come? You should just go see "Horton" and say it's for research then.

It's weird that you have so little money. Our mother seemed real rich last fall, and she bought that house and said she wanted to travel all the time now. That was one of the reasons she was going to send me off to school and all. I think that Granma and Granpa did have lots, and that was what she was waiting for as much as for you two getting out of school.

OK - the ground rules. But it just seems weird, is all.

Um -- OK -- so while I'm stuck home and not all that sick I've been looking though your old boxes -- I really could use some new clothes because of all the weight I've lost. I mean Dad's got some for me, but it's like enough but not plenty, you know? And I've found some but they have to be really old to fit me, (looks like you saved everything! But Mike didn't save anything hardly -- guess he wore them out or something.) (And when you were my height you waist was bigger than mine. Ha Ha.). But some shorts work. I got a pair of white ones that only have a little blue on the pockets (they kind of match my new shoes.), and some denim ones that just have some stitching on the pocket that I could wear, and some red ones too. And there are some old gym shorts, you know, just plain ones with bands at the waist. I had to try on bunches of stuff to find what would work. But you said I could have whatever, and this is all the oldest stuff, and I did a lot of organizing too, not making it all worse.

And so, no, I don't remember the time when I was six you asked about. What happened? I do remember when our mother threw out all my stuffed animals, and Dad got real mad and said I could keep just one, and she didn't like the one I picked and cut the skirt off it, and it feel in two. But that was older. And I don't remember if something got her mad besides Dad (and just me.).

And I'm sorry about Jim, that was a creepy thing, but maybe he will be sorry, you think? But you're so cute and nice! It's his loss; you know that! It'll be OK, Mars. Don't be sad, OK?

Oh - it wasn't the stomach doctor I saw on Wednesday, another one. I only see the stomach guy about once a month now, and I don't keep the diet as good as they want me to, or as I tell them I do, but it's not showing up in the test at least, and things are doing good in that.

OK, I got to ride the city bus to get to see someone, so laters.

And don't be too worried about Jim, 'K? Something good'll happen.

Love and all like that,
Sky

>>Saturday, April 5th (afternoon)

Hi
Really, you didn't know about Granpaw? You did know he was her granpaw really, right? Not ours. He told me once when I was still little that he had bought some land way in the wilderness a long time ago and had sold it for a lot after the suburbs reached it. I don't know how much it was, but maybe that was the reason she was ever nice to him, because she knew. It was just one of his stories with a moral (about saving or something).

But yeah, they did have a big fight right after Granma died, but that wasn't about money, that was about me. When we were visiting, and you and Mike had gone somewhere (you could drive already), we were watching TV, and I started dancing to some music, and she grabbed me and slapped me real hard and screamed, and he got mad at her and told her not to. Remember we left real suddenly the next day.

And yeah, she had lots of catalogues and stuff about boarding schools, and I think I'd have started in January if I had been hers.

But I'm not supposed to talk about that with you, so can we talk about something else? OK?

OK. Yeah, I do see how "Beauty and the Beast" "mixes up standard gender rolls" and stuff. Belle is the hero, right? And rescues the man. I think it's neat you can learn that in college. Is that the main thing you're studying? It does show how people's minds work usually, like you said. I can get that. So neat.

And I'm mixing up usual gender roles too, huh? Hehe - do peeps study things like what's happening to me ever?

So tonight is the ordeal. Like you said, just be me is all Ms Younger said for me to do - so no problem. I'm going to wear that shirt they gave me and some blue jean shorts. You know I don't want to be like trying to look like a girl, but not too much like 'can't be a girl' either, and I think about what to wear more than ever. Since Dad is going with Ms Y, I don't have to ride my bike, and no one will see anyway.

Tell you how weird it gets tomorrow.

You doing better?

Love ya' - really, Marsh,
Sky

P.S. You know what? I sorta can't wait, and I sorta don't want this to ever happen. That's truly weird times twelve, huh?