One where they know they would like to be

Tan goes through the selections figuring he may as well have supper since we are both here and it’s available. I con him into bringing back a little more of the cottage cheese with a peach half and another of the meat patties for me. A fiancee can be a good thing at times.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

We discuss the unescorted thing with me doing most of the discussing. It’s all rather moot now anyway since we will be leaving in the morning.

“Just please wait for me before going to breakfast, Kat. I’d get a blue badge for you but since we are only going to be here long enough for breakfast it would really be a waste of time.”

“A blue badge. What is this place? And the farm everyone talks about really isn’t a farm is it?”

“Well, yes it is; but no, it isn’t.”

“That’s what I love about all of you, definitive answers.”

“Come on, Kat. I know you’ve figured it out. Why do I need to spell it out?”

“Does your sister know?”

Tanner reacts to that almost as badly as if I slapped him before he answers, “No. She doesn’t know. And to protect her I act like I’m a bit of a moron when I’m around her so she doesn’t pick up on it. I’d appreciate it if you don’t let on to her.”

I look at him a moment then pretend to zip my mouth shut as I smile at him.

“Thanks, Kat. It can be a bit of a concern at times.”

“How many others know? Any of your girls or Irina?”

“None of the girls. Irina thinks I’m a free lancer of some kind but doesn’t know everything.”

“So why me?”

“Because you’re smart and you have a lot of potential...”

“And because I’m a guy under all this?”

“No! That is... No, that’s not part of it. I think of you as a girl now anyway. I just think you have an aptitude which would allow you to easily fit in and you’re smart enough to be able to put two and two together and not come up with three. I think with some training, four to six weeks of preliminary stuff maybe, you could be an asset and together we could pull and handle some of the heavier jobs. We could still use the model/ photographer cover and go places and do things that most of the single agents couldn’t do. Later if that seems to work out we might put you through a couple of the four month sessions And I like to work with you. I’m kind of sorry we aren’t really engaged.”

The last sentence doesn’t sink in right away since I’m still digesting all the one’s preceding it. Finally I get to the last part and realise what he said giving him a shy smile before looking away. He reaches out and draws my hand up, leaning over and kissing it then continues to hold it for a bit.

“Sometimes I’m sorry I’m not a girl, Tanner. Other times I look at this body and begin cursing. I’m still in a toss-up as to which I am and where I want to go. I still don’t have my answers worked out and I thought I did at one time. All this new information is hard to handle. Once I decide what I’m going to do then I hope things become easier. Right now the idea of becoming a girl still bothers me, but not as much as it did. Now I think it’s partially because either way I go, I can’t have kids. I don’t see the answer appearing any time soon but if I do decide to be a girl, I’ll consider the additional possibility of us being engaged. For now it’s just a convenience.”

“I understand. I just ask one thing... While we are in Europe, don’t refer to yourself as possibly being male no matter when or where we happen to be.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal.”

Tanner smiles at me and kisses my hand again.

“Finished with your supper? We better retire as you’ve got some studying to do.”

I drooped my shoulders and rolled my eyes upward as I shook my head, but I get up and follow him, dumping my tray before continuing out with him and on to our rooms. He waits until I’m safely in mine before entering his own.

In my room I pull out my Russian lessons and start in on them hoping to possibly add one more phrase to my collection of inane and useless bits of trivia. Before I may even get into the lesson my mind does a flash back to the dinner conversation with Tanner. That gets me to thinking about my years in school and that moves back into the beatings and how much I hate this body. Yes, it is a very beautiful woman’s body. No, I’m not a woman. I’m the XY variety and that is and has always been considered male by all accounts.

How can it be possible that I have some of a female’s innards when my chromosomes say I’m male? Hell, my chromes are the whole argument Dad used against my shape and breasts and nearly everything else about me.

“You’re just trying to be a jackass, you little prick. Stop eating like a fairy and put on some weight. Begin exercising more. You’ll wind up looking more like a male in short order.”

I can remember eating twice as much as anyone else at our meals and still not gaining the weight or shape Dad wanted to see. He accused me of throwing it all up into the toilet, “like one of those people who try to look like a stick.”

That was one of his gentler nights. Usually he would come home only to learn I’d been beaten at school again that day and figure I could learn how to defend myself if he beat me up too.

I don’t know what time I woke up but I discovered I was asleep at the table, my head on my lesson. I manage to change a bit and go to bed only to fall back into the dreams and nightmares.

I’m still trying to decide if I’m meant to be a girl or if I should follow the chromes and be a boy. I’ve spent seventeen long, mostly difficult and painful years trying to be a boy and this body still makes me look like a woman. If I give up and follow the body then what happens when someone learns I’m really a boy? I can’t win either way. I’m a boy that looks like a girl, or I’m a girl that is really a boy. Either one gets me killed.

Sleep began to find it’s way into my mind which never really shut off. The dreams became more bizarre and then totally ridiculous but they all had a mutual theme... me getting pounded.

One even had Dad forcing me to dress like a girl, which he never did, and then he sold me to Emerson. Tanner just stood off in the distance saying things that didn’t make any sense... pretty much like he does now.

The next morning I had my fight with the phone again and thanked them for the wake up call. Finally finishing my undressing so I could go take a hot shower. My muscles and body felt like I’d been used as a punching bag all night. After what seemed like forever I picked an outfit to wear and got dressed then packed my few remaining things which were still out from when we arrived. I really could use a good night’s sleep. Tanner rings me and we agreed to meet in the hall in five minutes to go to breakfast.

Once we were in the hall he took one look at me, “Bad night?”

“You could say that.”

“Anything in particular?”

“Me. Dad. Life. Emerson.”

He gets a funny look on his face and comes over to hold me. I flinch and he just quietly says, “I’m sorry, Kat. I wish there was something I could do to help.”

“Maybe you could just kill me when I’m not looking?”

He stepped back from me and looked at me again like he wants to talk me out of it. He points at my room and I thumb the door so we can go in. There we sit on the couch and he just holds me for a while. Somewhere along the way I fall into sleep and manage to get twenty or thirty minutes of real rest while he holds me and gently rubs my shoulder. This is the safest I’ve felt in a long time.

After I awaken again he feels my body change from it’s relaxed state, “Kat. While we are on the trip. If you need to sleep with someone close or with me holding you so you can actually rest, don’t feel afraid to come to my room. I won’t take advantage of you and maybe you can actually rest with someone close who won’t hurt you. Okay? At least think about it?”

I nod my head. I’m too tired to argue. All the holding in the world won’t change what I am.

We finally get up to go to breakfast. I look at the clock and we are an hour late.

“Breakfast is probably over by now.”

“I’m high enough on the food chain that they’ll make an exception for us this once.”

“So much for being a freelance agent, huh?”

He smiles, “I think you already figured that out anyway.”

“How do you get away with your own business if they need you since you’re higher up?”

“I’ve been taking a year off because of an injury and some heavy vacation and recovery time.”

“So some day soon all your girls will lose you as their agent?”

“Well. Not so much as an agent but yes in about four months I need to fold my business and move into something else. I hope to leave the girls in pretty good hands and with enough money that they’ll be okay. I have a good severance package worked out for Irina too. You’re the one about whom I’m concerned.”

“Why me?”

“I kind of like the idea of continuing to work with you for a while.”

“As a male or as a female?”

“I favor the female but that’s going to be up to you. We’re here. We better end this conversation for now.”

“Tan...”

He turns back to me, “yeah?”

I stand on my toes and kiss his lips. Then lower myself again as I reach up to remove my lipstick from his lips.

“I think I might like to work with you for a while too. It could be as a female but right now the long term decision about that is still out.”

He reaches to my face and gently caresses my cheek. I lay my head into his palm and wish life had dealt me cards which had allowed me to really be a female rather than an it.

Sometimes I wonder why this whole mess had to happen to me. What am I supposed to learn from this? How did I survive those first seventeen years or am I in a coma and this is all a dream? Is life this hard for everyone? Why are we all really here? What is life supposed to be teaching us? Wouldn’t it be a laugh if life wasn’t life but it was just a mass hallucination designed to keep us entertained for who knows what reason. Maybe during an eon’s long flight across space while we are all in hibernation and our minds need to be exercised so we don’t turn into vegetables during the flight.

Now that really would be a hoot. All this is our collective imaginations... Well, then I think I’m going to start dreaming about being a princess who’s Mom and Dad really did care.

Meanwhile... there’s breakfast.

Sometime during breakfast I shared my latest revelation about the mass hallucination. That gots a hearty laugh out of Tanner, “You know that would actually explain so much. I wish my imagination was that active.”

We finish breakfast and move on to getting ourselves organized in time to catch the ride which will be picking us up and taking us to the airport where we will fly a short hop then meet up with the others before taking the big jump over the Atlantic. First to Heathrow, then to Paris where we will collect the photo equipment before flying Aeroflot to St. Petersburg.

The five of us will run about five thousand six hundred dollars for that last hop. I’m glad Emerson paid the fares. Tanner has tickets to hand out to each of us for the entire itinerary. I glance at the final cost for mine and see it is nearly sixteen thousand. I had no idea. In addition to the modeling and photography fees the simple cost of transportation (more than just the airlines), lodging and food for the five of us must run in the neighborhood of one hundred seventy-five thousand for this five week tour. Suddenly modeling has taken on an entirely new meaning for me. Add the fees, printing, distribution costs and insurance to that and it could cost four hundred thousand or so just to send the models around to use for advertising a new line. Then there is the print part of advertising to consider. That’s a lot of clothing sales just to make back the advertising costs.

I’m beginning to wonder how businesses can afford it.

Soon we have checked through the airport and their security, and are waiting for our boarding call. It isn’t too long until they call for boarding allowing us to go in to begin our international odyssey. I spent most of the time looking out the window at the water below us hoping to spot a ship or some land or something, seasoned international traveler that I am. Once in a while I see another aircraft and start poking Tanner and pointing at my discovery.

Typical fiancee... he’s trying his best to ignore me and sleep. I look around and see a number of the passengers are sleeping. Pam, I note, is reading a book and Laura is watching a movie. Don’t they know how exciting this is? I’m going to EUROPE. You’d think it happens everyday... oh... that’s right. Maybe they’ve been there before. BUT it’s exciting!!! Unless you’ve done it a dozen times or more.

‘But Mommy... we’re going to Europe.’ ‘Hush honey, I know it’s exciting but study your Russian or take a nap. There will be plenty to see when we get there.’ I look at Tanner who is trying to ignore me long enough to get back to sleep. I begin to quiet down and look for something to do. I study for about an hour but I’m so keyed up I can’t concentrate well. Slowly boredom and the whine of the jet’s engines settle onto me. Eventually I awaken only to discover I have been sleeping on Tanner’s shoulder which he has been slowly raising and lowering in an effort to unobtrusively awaken me. Finally I’m aware enough of everything around me that I realise the flight attendants are taking orders to serve our meal. I wish I’d thought to bring a book almost envying Pam’s foresight.

I had a very nice meal (but avoided the potatoes) and noticed Pam seems to have had the same. Glancing out the window I see no sign of land ahead of us but it is a bit difficult to see very far. Below us is still nothing but water and some clouds. Once in a while we pass through a thin mist which is one of those clouds.

I’m still bored. I ask Tanner to pull my computer case down from the storage compartment above and get out my digital camera and it’s instruction booklet. The computer goes back up into storage. I begin to read so I may have some idea of how to use my camera once we get to our destination. Fortunately, I read geek. Can’t they write these things in some sort of colloquial English? After the computer booklet and this manual, I am more certain than ever that these companies hire people who intentionally write in as confusing a manner as possible. I wonder that anyone could obtain a four year degree in gobbledygook and find a job which pays them to write it. And probably pays well I might add.

Tanner is moving his shoulder under my head again and I came to long enough to understand we must adjust our seats and seatbelts since we are soon to be landing.

I checked my ticket for a clue before deciding this is just a short halt to our trip. Trying to see land but having no success since it is fairly dark out. The clouds still have some illumination coming from well behind us but before we touch down even that is gone. Soon there is a change in the sound and the plane jars a bit. The sound level increases dramatically and I’m worried we are going to crash but no one else seems to be paying the slightest attention to it. Either they are deaf for some strange reason or it is something normal to landing. Pam happens to notice me looking around and smiles at me, mouthing something which I finally decipher as, “First time flying?” I nod my head and she holds her hands up waving her fingers then gives me a ‘thumbs up’ which I take it to mean everything is okay. I took a couple of deep breaths then waited for the crash.

More strange sounds occured and the plane rose and fell small amounts which was different than the entire flight which had reminded me of a simple bus or train ride. I suddenly noticed more lights flashing past us at the side just before there was this slight jarring which caused me to place new designer ridges into the arm rests. The noise of the engines increased dramatically and I just know we are going to end up in a fiery ball of twisted wreckage. Instead, I feel us slowing fairly quickly and finally we feel like we are once again under control of sorts rather than careening along some highway awaiting the wall at the end. I wonder if they have walls at the end of runways so the planes don’t go off and into some housing development?

The colour of the lights has changed and we eventually come to a halt with the engines beginning to slowly wind down. One continues to run until the lights blink and then it too dies off. Were here. I begin to think that perhaps I somehow wound up on a long Disneyland ride but having never been there all I know is what I’ve seen on television.

Tanner hands me my computer case and I drag my purse out from it’s cubby hole, drop my camera and booklet into it and eventually we exit the aircraft to make our way to a set of overhead monitors in order to learn where we go to catch our connecting flight to Paris. We will remain there the rest of the night before continuing to St. Petersburg later in the day after collecting the photographic equipment.

We make our way out of this concourse and down to another being careful to remain on the aircraft side of the security checkpoints then plop down once again to wait for the boarding call which will take us to France. I’m in England but all I can see is the airport terminal and darkness outside with some movement of aircraft and a small number of lights in the distance. I pull out my camera and take two photographs before someone approaches me and tells me photography is not permitted in the terminal. Tanner intercedes for me and after they inspect my passport and note the absence of customs entry stamps plus my ticket which shows I’m continuing to France they calm down a little. I begin to bombard them with questions about England and they finally figure out I’m just some dizzy tourist who is trying to document her trip having never been out of the ‘colonies’. I love their accents. The one is from the greater London area and the other hails from Edinburgh. I still wish I could see something from here. The one leads me over to another area where I may press my face to the window and in the distance see some lights which are actually buildings somewhere off the airport property.

“Sorry there isn’t much to see from here, luv. Not even during the day. Perhaps when you are returning you may stop long enough to take a tour or two. There’s a lot of history here.”

I quickly retrieve my ticket from my purse and we search to see if I will have that opportunity during my return. I can’t read the thing but he looks through it and announces that he’s sorry but, “no, I’m sorry but your connecting flights will not offer you enough time to visit anywhere. Next best thing, follow me to the bookseller; there is a nice book there which will tell you a great deal about the United Kingdom so you may decide what you would like to see the next chance you have to visit.”

I brighten at that and follow him where he shows me several books and I purchase two then he leads me back to our terminal where everyone is just beginning to board.

“I was about to send out a search party.” Tanner quips at me.

“Sorry, Guv. I was watching the time but we were a bit long at the bookseller. I wouldn’t have let her miss her flight.”

“Thanks. This is her first time in Europe and she’s a bit over, with the excitement of it.”

“The first time is always the best. Safe journey, Miss.”

“Thank you. And thank you for showing me these books.”

“Quite ‘right, Miss.”

We board the plane and soon are in the air again.

to be continued