The show must go on

Tanner and I make our way around the floor and he does manage to snap some pics here and there before we return to Ellen’s booth where we take a few more shots using the equipment so the strobes light up the area which hopefully attract even more attention. When the number of people has increased a bit I go in and change back to my own clothing then we leave to find Irina and go to lunch.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

Again, I had a small steak for the protein. A nice green salad with red cabbage added and a vinegar mix of some kind which made the whole thing quite tasty. I thoroughly enjoyed the meal and Tanner seemed to once again treat me quite differently. I don’t know just how. He seemed more solicitous and kind toward me. I notice he is more careful about opening doors for me and of handling my chair when seating. I don’t know... It’s almost like he is thinking of me as though I’m really a woman and we are really engaged. It’s kind of nice in a scary sort of way.

I notice he has held my hand a lot more in the past hour or two than he has in the entire time we have been together previously. It’s nice but I hope he remembers I’m a guy. Then again, I’ve got the shape... I wonder how difficult it would be to become one of those... what do they call them? Transgendered? As I asked before am I a T-Girl? Then again, I’m not certain what that really means so I’m running blind here.

Then there’s Dad. Hell, Dad had enough difficulty with me just looking a bit like a girl... if I became one he would really go off the deep end about it. I could picture him talking to the Pastor and the Pastor devoting three or four sermons to the topic, probably damning me to an eternity of hellfire and brimstone if he hasn’t already. Dad, of course, would take his cue from the Pastor and throw his own version of hellfire and brimstone at me. The Salem trials would have nothing on Dad’s treatment of me.

I’ve been trying so hard to be a guy and I took on this two year thing to try to earn the money so I can become a guy but... What if I’m supposed to be a girl? Has everything I’ve been trying to do been a lie? Hell, I’ve got the shape, I’ve got the voice, other than being tall I’m like a willow... slender and light. I let my hair grow and that’s part of what makes me look so effeminate but getting it cut won’t change how I look. In fact if I didn’t have the chromes of a male and the added equipment down below I could probably wear a bikini and get away with everyone thinking I’m a girl. Hell, I already am getting away with it. Randy old goats like Emerson even get the hots for me. Shit. I AM a freak.

“A penny for your thoughts.”

“Tanner, you don’t even want to know.”

“I suspect they haven’t been all that good.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“The tears rolling down your face.”

I grab the napkin and wipe my face taking some of the makeup with the tears. Great. Now I need to go to the ladies room to try to fix it.

“Schatzi. Go wash off your face and Irina will fix it for you when we go out to the cars.”

“Kat, you know if you need to talk about this...”

“I know. The two of you have been very kind. My problems have never really been allowed to surface so much before.”

“We’re both good listeners and who knows, we might be able to help. My big Sis would probably like to help too if you would let her. She’s a pretty astute cookie.”

“Unless she can magically make me one or the other I don’t know what she could do.”

Tanner pauses for a moment to try to decide what I meant before he continues, “You might be surprised. Big Sis is pretty up on things like this. She’s been involved in a couple of cases which got pretty hairy from what little she said. It wouldn’t hurt just to talk. Girl to girl not Katrina or Mac to a judge.”

“I’ll think about it, Tan. I’ll really think about it.”

“She wants to see you again you know. There’s still the matter of the other papers so she will need to talk with you after she receives the doctors’ reports.

“Oh. Yeah.”

“My fiancee doesn’t say ‘yeah’. She’s more refined than that.”

“Up yours, Tanner.”

In mock astonishment, “Katrina, I’m shocked.”

I shake my head, “All right then... Please place an inappropriate item deeply into the most inappropriate location of your body... is that refined enough?”

Tanner and Irina are both laughing.

“I can just picture you as a blue-blood saying something like that, Katrina.”

I’m barely holding onto it at this point and finally begin laughing too. I put my hand on Tanner’s and tell him, “I’m going to the ladies room to cleanse my face. I’ll be back as quickly as I’m able,” and give him a wink before getting up to which he does also then sits again as I walk away.

I hear Irina, “I guess she told you. Didn’t she?”

“Yep. And I’ve got to just sit and take it because she’s my fiancee.”

A chill goes down my spine with that comment and I am beginning to think I really need to talk with his sister. Oh God, If I become a girl and we get married then his Sister will be my sister in law.

I don’t know which would be worse, my Dad or having a judge as my sister in law.

I manage to clean most of my face. It’s a bit difficult with nothing but liquid hand soap and paper towels to use but somehow I did manage. Then the panic begins to settle in... What if she thinks I’m really a girl? Similar visions to those I had the other day with the deputies begin to cross my mind when I suddenly remember she knows because she signed the name change paperwork. That’s almost a relief. My childhood has me so gun shy regarding this that I’m afraid of the slightest comment which could be construed as negative. Except — now I’m not exactly certain what negative happens to be.

The next dark thought is what does she think about it? I mean it’s one thing to understand this sort of thing and something else again to accept it as actually afflicting someone whom you care about, such as her brother.

I don’t have a choice as I’ve got to see her again whenever the doctors give her their reports. God... Where do I go from here? This whole thing is so... Dad has really messed with my mind. He couldn’t see past that little hunk of meat attached to me. Then again neither could or can I. My chromes are XY and that means male. So what happened to me?

“Are you Katrina?”

Someone I’ve never seen before is standing there asking me my name,
“Yes. Do I know you?”

“No. There’s two men outside, one says he’s your fiancee and wanted me to check on you. They’re ready to go back to some kind of convention and wanted you to know it’s time to go.”

“Oh. Thank you. I guess I lost track of the time.” I check my little watch as I smile at her.

“No problem.”

I exit the ladies room and sure enough Tanner and Irina are waiting.

“We were beginning to think you died in there.”

“That would probably solve a lot of things but, sorry, no such luck.”

“Good. I’m beginning to like being engaged. It would bother me if I was so repulsive that my girl friend fainted dead on me.”

“Well, I don’t know. You can be pretty hard to take.”

“Oi. You wound me, Mademoiselle.”

“Don’t give me a knife. Oh that reminds me... Where is this dinner we are attending this evening?”

“It’s back at the Hotel’s center. You go do your thing on the runway same as this morning and then collect the outfit you’re going to be wearing this evening from Sam right after the show or after you finish at Ellen’s. We do our thing for Ellen and then go home where you and I can get ready since I’m your escort for the evening. The dinner arrival time begins at six and goes to six thirty. Then we will have the dinner and afterward we mingle for an hour or so to show off the outfit you are wearing. It’s pretty much an easy evening. Not like last night.”

“Last night was fun.”

“This will be a little dryer. This whole show is more about the publicity to launch the new lines than it is to attract new buyers. Most of the buyers are already sewn up so it’s the public who need to be informed. There are some, such as Ellen, who generally are private producers for the ‘rich and famous’ and who for whatever reason have unsold designs which they are willing to let go to the chain producers. The exposure in the show sells their products and if the news hound fashion reporters really like something then it gets a mention in the trade papers.”

I begin wondering what it is I will be given to wear for the evening. I hope it’s decent.

We arrive back at the convention center and I report to my room. Sam is there but I’m the first model to return from lunch.

“You’re early.”

“By the time we finished lunch we didn’t have enough time to do much else so we came back here.”

“I wanted to complement you on your English. You do quite well for it being a second language.”

“Where I’m from we used English quite a lot as well...”

“That explains it. Sometimes an accent drifts into it. It’s almost as though you learned your English in England and then Americanized it. Since we have a little time would you like to take a look at the gown you will be wearing this evening? It’s a regular gown so I guess Pendercot feels you can pull it off.”

She takes a long gown down from another rack and allows me to hold it in front of myself to get an idea of how it will look.

“There are shoes too. Size five and a half with three inch heels. At least you won’t be doing any dancing tonight so it won’t be too bad.”

“The gown is beautiful.”

“I think you will make it look even better, Katrina. That’s probably why Pendercot selected you to wear it. This one was designed by Carlotta so she will be seated next to you at the dinner.”

“I thought Tanner would be sitting with me.”

“Oh he will. But so will Carlotta. Don’t worry, honey. She usually behaves herself at the dinners.”

She hangs the gown up again and I begin to change to my first outfit for the afternoon run. Soon the other girls are here and we are all getting ready. I go out for my makeup session since my makeup was destroyed at lunch and went unrepaired until now. Irina finishes my cleanup then makes me up new before he continues to take care of the other girls in their order of appearance. It isn’t that long and things are under way once again. Two hours later it’s all over once more and Tanner, Laurel and I are on our way to the showroom floor where once again I am discarded at Ellen’s booth and Tanner escorts Laurel to her working location. By the time he returns I have changed to the outfit Ellen wants me to model this afternoon. He checks on his camera and then on me and we begin the whole game once again.

When we finish, we go back to collect my gown from Sam, along with the shoes. She gets the gown down from the rack and I ask if we could show it to Tanner so we carefully take it out of the garment case. I hold it up before me and something doesn’t seem right. I mention it to Sam and the gown is carefully inspected. We find a torn seam which looks like someone tried on the gown but it didn’t fit and tore the seam. That’s a bit of a discouragement. Sam calls Carlotta who shows up ranting and raving. She tears into me like it’s all my fault. It takes the three of us to convince her that I didn’t do it. The person who caused the problem is just a little larger than am I. After all I do have a very small waist.

Carl calms a bit and a seamstress is quickly called in. Meanwhile I have checked the shoes and found they are still okay. The Seamstress has me put on the gown so she may repair it to my measurements and soon it is ready to be mended. I need to return here to collect it just before the dinner. Nothing is ever simple.

Tan takes several photos of me in the gown while the seamstress is working on it. His argument is that Irina will need the photos so he may do my makeup prior to returning here to collect the gown. The gown comes off and I return to my own clothes and we are out of here to return at a little before six so we may make the dinner about six fifteen.

Carlotta still isn’t convinced I didn’t do the dirty deed until the seamstress tells her that my waist is so small that I could have put on the gown and it would have been huge on me. As proof she shows how much material she may take in and still have it fit me. Carlotta still wants blood but now it’s not mine. She seems driven so if she ever figures it out someone is likely to suffer. It could have been anyone. The other girls from this room are unlikely to have done it so it must have occurred when Sam wasn’t in the room and neither was anyone else. That puts it to some time after the runs and before Tan and I returned to find Sam and go to collect the gown. If I hadn’t wanted to show it to Tanner we would not have discovered it in time to repair it. The window was about an hour so anything was possible. The other girls had already taken their gowns and shoes and were gone. A mystery which is unlikely to be solved.

Because of the fitting, we have only an hour and a half before we need to be back so I may change. This upsets our schedule a bit. Tanner needs to change to a tux and I need to be made up by Irina who will also be doing four other girls. Whoever thought modeling was easy never tried it.

Irina decides to remain at the show while Tanner and I go back to his place so he may change to the tux. Fifteen minutes later he comes out of his room, “Ta da.”

I look at this handsome man and wonder why I couldn’t have been born that way. That’s something I’ve wondered and worried about all my life. I remember as a child... well... as a younger child, thinking about this so many, many times and wishing I could take a magic pill to suddenly become this hunk from which all the bullies would stay away because they didn’t want to be pounded into the ground rather that the other way around which was how it normally went.

I walk over to check him out and spend a minute adjusting his cravat for him. Now we are on our way back to the show. The fitting certainly went a long way toward preventing us from doing anything meaningful with our time because I need to be back to get into the gown. At least that goes well this time. The seamstress had her hands full since she had to also tear the seam on the other side, which wasn’t damaged, then take both of them in to make the gown fit properly. She still gave me a little room and the gown looks very nice although my waist looks extremely tiny since the gown was designed to downplay a woman’s waist. Now my mind goes a bit silly as I wonder if I had been born female with this waist, would it change much after I gave birth to my first child? That’s something I would never find out about, not that it matters. I’m on the other end of the child generating chain.

Now I begin to giggle almost uncontrollably. Here I am. I’m thinking about children and my role in creating them as a male while looking at myself in an evening gown with my face made up and my hair done, polish on my fingernails, high heels on my feet and a very decidedly feminine figure. Talk about juxtaposition. I probably would have spent the entire evening standing here lost in my thoughts if it hadn’t been for Tanner coming in and taking me out to go to the dinner. I ask if Irina’s coming and Tanner looks at me funny then shakes his head, “No. And I wouldn’t likely have been here either except it was one of the conditions of your contract which the client approved, that I be present with you at all dinners or special functions.”

“Then who would have escorted me?”

“Some hired hunk who would provide the appropriate eye candy to be seen with you. Or perhaps one of the designers or muckity mucks from the company. You’ll see Laural on Pendercot’s arm this evening.”

He was right, I did. I look around the room at all the shakers and bakers from the industry and notice Emerson across the room with some young (read that very young) thing attached to his arm. I turn my back not so much so he may see the flesh of my back but so he will not recognise me. I should have had Tanner lose about a foot or two since Emerson recognised the semaphore standing next to me and surmised the woman standing next to him would be me.

He and his unfortunate victim come over and as he stands next to me injecting his voice into the conversation, his unattached hand is locating and caressing my back. My face must have reflected my disgust. Tanner draws me away from the womanizer so it and I are facing one another and the wandering hand cannot touch me without being blatantly obvious, not that I think Emerson would stop being a disgusting pig. As they say, one must be true to their nature and his is rutting. That thought causes me to ‘tune out’ once again as I begin to examine my own ‘nature’ trying to decide if in doing this whole girl thing I am being true to my own.

That’s an interesting quandary and I’m into investigating it when Tanner pulls me back to reality, “Say good-bye to the nice man, Katrina.”

“Goedenavond,” I manage to get out with just a hint of revulsion in my voice. Yeah right... just a hint. Got a brick or maybe a cattle prod?

“I’m sure.” Emerson replies.

Tanner leads me away before I attack Emerson and we lose the European contract due to the death of the client at the hands of a model. After we are twenty or so paces away Tanner leans to me and whispers, “Be nice. He’s the one who is going to pay us a lot of nice money.”

“If he survives the trip.” I whisper back, “Be certain to get most of it in an advance.”

“Now, now, Kat. I’ve only just gained my girlfriend. I don’t want to lose her in some foreign country because she takes out a contract on the employer.”

“Where, exactly, would we go in St. Petersburg to find someone to do that?”

Tanner looks at me not quite certain I don’t mean it, “Ouch. Would you really do that?”

I look back at Emerson who is smiling and walking toward another table, lucky for him, “In a heartbeat.”

Tanner seats me and soon we are joined by the female version of Emerson. At least she doesn’t run her hand up and down my back like he did, but the verbal hints are there all the same. I’m beginning to wonder just how many there are in this industry who are like these two.

to be continued