Long ago, and oh so far away

A few moments later, Ellen has come over and She and Irina begin speaking. She has a plan... Of course she has a plan. I seriously doubt she intends to pay me money to just sit here. She has some clothing items tucked away and a small (make that very small) changing area for me where I may put on the outfit she has for me to model.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

This will be done in several stages. The first will be a mock photo shoot right here at the booth, which will probably last all of fifteen minutes and then Tanner will follow (or lead) me around the convention floor snapping shots of me as I walk or pose as we go. All I need do is tell anyone who asks that this is one of Ellen’s creations and more may be seen at booth eighty-one. Sounds simple to me. Tanner has some business cards which he will hand out to promote his own business.

The whole time on the floor only takes us about thirty minutes on top of the time at the booth and then I change back. We did another mock photo shoot with me modeling when we returned to the booth before I did my change. We will return again later this afternoon and do a repeat performance then we are finished for the day. Each of the next two days will be a repeat of today except for the dinner tomorrow night. I remind Tanner to ask about that gown and the possibility of my ‘borrowing’ it for the European trip. If, of course, I promote her creations during dinners when I’m not promoting those belonging to Emerson.

“Perhaps we may use a little of the money I am earning and go out to dinner this evening and I may wear that gown if you are able to secure it for me. We could possibly promote her creations and hand out some of her cards at a place right around here where we may attract the attention of some of the buyers.”

“I know just the place. Wait here while I go talk with her.”

I don’t know what he told her but she returns bubbling with enthusiasm.

“Thank you my dear. I would love for you to wear my gown out. I’ll have it brought back here this afternoon. You may wear it this evening. Tanner has told me where you will be going... and I think the opportunity is too good to pass up. Oh, I see... A surprise.” With a note in her voice intimating that he is attempting to woo me. I give him a look which manages to convey that I am neither interested nor amused and make a point of discretely flashing my wedding bands in the hopes she notices.

I did notice Tanner shaking his head as she was speaking, apparently trying to prevent her from giving away the dining location. Except for the opportunity to wear that gown once again, and knowing Tanner and his ‘surprises’ of these past few days, I’m beginning to think this whole idea might just be a big mistake.

We depart the Convention Center and head back to the studio stopping for a bite to eat on the way. More rabbit food... Actually I’m beginning to realise it isn’t all that bad and this time I have more vegetables and no meat. I can feel my arteries clearing even as I think about it. When we arrive at the studio he sits me down to study more Dutch having told me to take that blasted course everywhere I go so I may make the most of every opportunity. Actually I suppose it isn’t that bad and I am learning (at least I think I am). I suppose I’ll never have the opportunity to actually find out but there I am anyway. He, of course, is playing with his photographs and the main computer. After about an hour he calls me over and I happily take a break from my studies.

“Yes?”

He gets up from the chair before the screen and motions for me to sit, “I want to show you your port once again. It’s growing with leaps and bounds.”

We go through it with Irina looking over our shoulders and I must admit, even with only a few shoots under my belt, it is beginning to look fairly decent having seen some belonging to the other girls.

“I’ll continue changing it, gradually weeding out the creative content and putting in more real shoots. Some of it will always remain as your agency photos and there will be a list of more and more clients as you add them. Shows and Locations, too. A few in Europe will add a lot of prestige to your port and we may even gain a few European clients who come to the States once in a while. For the more important ones, we may even go to European locations for the shoots such as for Emerson.”

“Remember you promised never to leave me alone with anyone over there... or over here for that matter.”

“Don’t worry Sis. I’ll go over prepared for battle.”

“Uh huh. And while you rot in prison how do I keep away from Mr. Hungry Eyes? He’s the first time I’ve ever been undressed by someone without them touching me.”

“And you had other times when someone touched you to undress you? Here and it was I thought you were a proper young lady and all.”

“My Mom, when I was a very young gir... I mean, child.” Admonishing myself as I’m getting far too deep into this role.

“Maybe you could consider me to be your Daddy.”

He knows something is very wrong when I get a very frightened look and then scowl followed by tears and I run to the rest room where I lock myself in.

“Katrina? Katrina. Kat, I’m sorry. Kat? Please open the door, honey. You know me, I always put my foot in my mouth.”

“Go away.”

Katrina? Come on sweetheart, open the door. I’m sorry for the ‘Daddy’ crack.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Come on Kat, or I’ll get the key and open the door.”

“You do and I’m out of here.”

“I think that’s the idea.”

“I mean, I’m gone. I’ll go home and I won’t be back.”

Which is beginning to sound more and more like a good idea to me as I give it more thought. This whole thing has gone entirely too far. What the hell am I doing dressed as a female and this whole masquerade and everything? I’m a guy. I don’t need this shit. I’ve got to have earned a couple of thousand by now so I could go back to my apartment and be okay for a few months while I look for work. Work which doesn’t entail me being a female or putting up with leeches like Emerson or Carlotta... Or Tanner for that matter, although he hasn’t really been a leech so much as a jokester.

I open the door and walk out, “Tanner, I want my money.”

“You what?”

“I want my money. I’m leaving.”

“Wait a minute. What do you mean, ‘you’re leaving’.”

“What does it sound like? I’m gone. I’m out of here. I’m not going to be a girl anymore. This was a stupid idea and I was crazy to go along with it.”

I begin to walk away and he grabs my arm, “What do you think...”

I slap his face with my free hand discovering it was almost hard enough to knock him down. He releases my arm and puts his hand up to his face in shock, “Why the hell did you do that? What’s weirded you out?” He thinks for a moment, “All I said was ‘maybe you could consider me to be your Daddy’.”

I slap him again, this time with the other hand and on the other side of his face.

He stands there looking at me like I’m crazy and then the wheels finally come around and he backs up a little, “Sorry. I take it that there is some bad history between you and your father. That was a bit thoughtless of me.”

The wheels continue turning and the look of shock is replaced by one of anger, “Did that bastard rape you?”

“None of your damn business, but NO he didn’t.”

“He beat you for looking like a girl. Kat, I’m sorry. Then what do I do but make you dress like a woman and start modeling. Sorry Kat, I didn’t think.”

“My name is MAC! Not Kat. And no you didn’t think, per usual.” I turn around facing away from him as the tears begin flowing in earnest.

Tanner walks up to me again and gently turns me around holding me close to him like a man would do with a woman. I’m so messed up I let him do it while I cry... like a woman. When I finally come around to that little revelation I’m angry again, this time at myself for acting like a woman. Then I think, why not? I’m dressed like one anyway. What the hell is the matter with me? Dad was probably right, ‘You’re queer, you’re a freak of nature and should’ve been put down when you were born’.

Irina goes and returns with another tissue box. I’m still crying.

Tan leads me over to the chair by the computer again and discretely bumps the screen back to the desktop so the pictures of me aren’t so obtrusive. He’s still treating me like a woman which is doing absolutely nothing to halt my tears. He finally gives up and just allows me to cry on his shirt as I lean over to him, while he holds me gently. I don’t know how long I cried. I cried for when I was little, I cried for when Daddy told me I was a freak, I cried for when my sister dressed me and I felt so pretty and happy just before she burst my bubble and I was later beaten for looking so good. I cried because I’m not a girl and because I’m not a boy either even though I’m XY. I cried because I’m an IT... Not really human but still almost looking that way.

I cried because of what the Reverend and Daddy said about me after church. And I cried because I couldn’t grow up pretty like my Sister or strong like my brother. I cried because I cried... ‘Stop that you little freak, boys don’t cry, you want another walloping? I give you something to cry about’.

I cried because he hit Mom, ‘You brought this freak into the world when I should have had a son. One of these days I’ll take him out and drown him like an unwanted litter of pups’.

I was wrong about Tanner. He isn’t heartless, just occasionally misguided. He did spend what seemed like a couple of hours just holding me and letting me cry much of it out. I wish my Dad could have been like that.

When my tears finally slow to a crawl rather than rushing over Niagra, I begin to return to my senses and realise that my future is heavily dependent upon me continuing this charade for two years. I don’t know how I will manage that but if I can’t then my future is screwed. Pardon me... What am I doing? I’m asking forgiveness for swearing in my thoughts? Well, yeah... I guess I should or maybe I might accidentally do it out loud while I’m dressed for this masquerade. At least I got out a little of the pain and Tanner and Irina didn’t make light of my sorrow.

Tanner still looks like he would like to meet up with Dad in a dark alley. I’m not certain I would stop him. At least most of Dad’s tirades were verbal rather than physical, although those times happened too. Sometimes I think verbal is far worse than physical. Verbal never goes away, it just lies there dormant waiting for the worst moment when it can come back at you and hit you ten times as hard as the last time which was ten times as hard as the time before. It makes you always wonder how things could have been if... Yeah, only if.

What if I had been born a girl... What if the sky was green and water was pink... what if, what if, what if ... What if I had taken the path I nearly started years ago, then none of this would have happened and I wouldn’t be around to care. What if, what if, what if.

I’m beginning to like being able to lean against Tanner and just be held. I wish Dad had done that for me. I wish Mom hadn’t been so afraid of Dad and she had told me how pretty I was and after a little while had me change back before Dad got home.

I wish Sis really could have accepted me as a little sister even if it was just for a day and we could have played together. I wish my brother had been more like me and we could have helped each other. No... that probably would have been enough for Dad to decide to drown us both.

It feels really comforting to be held like this. There’s a pile of tissues on the floor, I’ll bet I went through nearly the whole box. I also bet my make up looks something awful. I gently push away from Tanner and he allows me to move back a little. I see where I slapped him and reach up gently to touch his face, “I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“That’s okay. I had it coming.”

I shake my head, “No. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. The problems are all mine.”

I lean forward again putting both arms around him hugging him as I lean my head onto his shoulder, “Thank you Tanner. Thank you for caring.”

“I care about all my g... I mean, all my models.”

“Your girls.”

“Well, yeah. That’s what I was going to say.”

I kiss his cheek where I slapped it and left a red mark. He reaches up and holds it for a moment looking at me strangely before getting up, “I’ll get you a check and take you back to get your things.”

“We don’t have time for that. Don’t we need to be back at the fashion convention almost any minute?”

He looks at me like I’ve got two heads, “I thought you were quitting?”

“Woman’s prerogative. We are allowed to change our minds frequently, and to cry.”

He opens his mouth but no sound comes out. Finally he mumbles something incoherent then looks at his watch, “Uh... yeah. We’ve got ten minutes so I guess we’ll be a little late. I hope you can change fast.”

“Once we’re there just watch me. I mean — no, don’t watch me but ... you know what I mean.”

Irina starts laughing and then Tanner and I do also as we rush out to try to make it in time for the afternoon runaway as the one girl called it. I’m beginning to think she has a better handle on it than anyone else.

We arrive fifteen minutes late but fortunately that means I still have twenty five minutes to get ready. Irina is doing the girl’s makeup, generally making minor repairs and I finally make it out only about five minutes late but still in plenty of time to take my place in the line up. The afternoon goes very much like the morning and after the runaway Tanner once again escorts the two of us to our respective client booths. I find a skirt suit in the changing area which I suppose is my afternoon fashion accessory and that gown is also hanging here. God, it’s scrumptious.

We do the modeling thing at the booth and then wander the floor once again finally returning to the booth. After we finish I whisper to Tanner that I’m, “going to put on the gown and spend a few minutes here at the booth before changing to leave the show. Don’t tell Ellen. Let me surprise her, please?”

He smiles and nods his head so I hurry away before he changes his mind. This is a little difficult with no one to fasten it for me and finally I attract Tanner’s attention motioning for him to come over. “Please fasten me. I hope Ellen didn’t see me.”

“She’s been busy. I don’t think she did.”

“Good. When I come out could we take some photos of me wearing this here at the booth before I change back. Oh.... I’ll need some help unfastening it when we’re done.”

“Sure thing. I’ll go get ready then when you come out I’ll just start shooting. Ellen might not notice for a minute or so. She’s pretty much tied up with a buyer out there.”

“Thanks. I’ll be out in just a minute, I need to put my hair up. Here could you hold the clips?”

He hangs onto the hair clips for me and then when I try to take a clip some of my hair falls down again. He puts the clips down and tells me to put the hair up and then he’ll hold it while I clip it in place. That works out much better.

“Okay, I’m ready.” as I check myself one last time in the mirror.

He winks, “Knock ‘em dead, Kat.” and goes out to get the camera ready.

I peek out a couple of times until I see he is ready and then go out to pose for a shot, slowly working my way in Ellen’s direction. Her back is to me but the buyer sees the outfit and stops talking which causes Ellen to turn around. By then I’m near the poster of me in the same outfit and Tanner takes a couple of shots with me next to it before we move on. Ellen smiles and takes a good look then turns back to the sales job she is pushing on the buyer who by now is talking again but glancing my way as often as possible. I try to make a show of presenting all around the edges of her assigned exhibit area and the booth and manage to attract a fair share of the people walking in the area. That of itself causes a small commotion and soon Ellen’s booth is surrounded with people trying to see what’s going on. Ellen and her crew are pretty busy and it isn’t until the next day I learn that they were essentially taking bids for the gown’s design allowing the purchaser the US rights at reproduction. She retains the European rights knowing that we will be modeling it at a number of dinners while in Europe.

The evening of this first day Tanner takes me out to dinner with Ellen footing the bill since I’m essentially modeling her gown at dinner and we hand out a couple of dozen cards both to buyers and to individuals ladies who are interested in having something unique created just for them.

Dinner, by the way, was wonderful. Nice crunchy vegetables well cooked but still solid enough not to be flavorless mush. An eight ounce very low fat steak for protein. A nice soup before the meal. One glass of wine which I nurse all through the meal not mentioning anything about being under age not even to Tanner who seems to have forgotten. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, including our departure to his Beemer with me draped on his arm and placing my feet in a model’s walk which I’m sure attracted the attention of a number of red-blooded males who were waiting with their ladies to be seated in the restaurant. As I understand it, the only way one gets in to this place is by means of a reservation. No walk ins. I took a few minutes before we departed to go to the ladies room to touch up my lipstick. When I left there were more than a few envious glances. I’m really enjoying myself.

Tanner drives us home where I retire to my room to once again change. The gown is carefully inspected before going into the garment bag and hanging in my closet. I need to be able to give it back to Ellen without blemishes when all this is over. I make a mental note to ask her exactly how it may be cleaned and then after cleaning up and putting on my nightgown and robe I pull out my language lessons and start in once again. I wish Tanner hadn’t picked a Dutch name as the language makes me feel like I’m clearing my throat half the time. The good thing about it is that I am having very little difficulty with it and almost feel like it is a language I would have chosen for my own if I had been allowed to do so as a child.

Of course Dad would probably have found a reason to pick at me for that too. I don’t think there was one thing I ever did that made him happy, except maybe leaving home but he had to sign a court paper to allow me to make decisions for myself so even that made him angry... ‘why didn’t you ever have the decency to just go away and die somewhere’? What kind of a thing is that to say to your child?

If I had a little boy or girl for that matter, I would love them and hug them and tell them stories. Kiss them and tell them how much they are loved. In other words, everything which never happened for me. In fact, I don’t really remember anyone holding or hugging me for more than a second or two in all my life. Except Tanner maybe and that doesn’t really count. At least I don’t think it counts... well... maybe it counts. It was kind of nice even after I slapped him too. I spend a little more time thinking about that before getting up from the bed where I’m studying and going out in my nightgown and robe to find him. There I give him a hug for more than just a second or two, “Thanks Tanner,” I kiss his other cheek where I gave him the second slap earlier and then retreat back to my room and shut off the light going to bed.

Some time later I come awake as I hear my door open for a moment then close again and moments later I hear Tanner’s bedroom door close just like last night.

I go back to sleep and the nightmares leave me more or less alone for a second night in a row.

We meet Irina at the Show again, this time I have a clue and we four girls are basically gossiping about boyfriends or things we’ve seen in the US and abroad during our travels. Most of what I talk about is stuff I’ve seen on the tube since I really haven’t been anywhere, but I make it out that I visited there and whenever one of them asked if I saw ‘such and such’ I simply say that I didn’t have much time to see anything and was simply in and out so fast I barely knew I was there. I mean, some things you just can’t miss like the Empire State building but in general I didn’t have the time to be a tourist. That reminds me, I need to ask Tanner to help me pick a nice simple digital camera and notebook computer so I may take pictures like any other tourist and save them for printing later when we return home. Thinking about that I realise it won’t take much to make me the most traveled member of the family. That happy thought suddenly gives way to the one where the moment Dad sees me, he kills me. Well, maybe I won’t tell them and they’ll just have to suffer without me. If they even notice I’m gone.

We finish the morning catwalk (sic) and move on to Ellen’s booth where after I’ve changed to the outfit she selected for this morning’s activities, I learn of the productive bidding for the gown’s design. When I sadly ask if she needs me to return the gown so she may give it to the high bidder, I learn that Ellen has not allowed the gown itself to be a part of the package... she gives the original to me. That causes my emotions to fly in the face of the show and I hide in the changing booth to cry happy tears for a while. I don’t know why my emotions are doing this. It’s not like I have hormones to blame it on. Tanner calls in Irina to fix my face again.

“Schatzi, we simply must stop meeting this way. Or perhaps I should order twice as many of your colours.”

I give him a soft slap on the arm.

“Oh right,” Tanner quips, “You cuff him gently and slap me so hard it almost knocks me down. I think I’m offended.”

I look at him with a saucy grin then go over and plant a soft kiss on his cheek just like last night, “there, am I forgiven?”

“How about one for the other slap and we’ll call it even.”

I give him a look like I’m considering giving him another slap then reach up throwing my arms around his neck as I stand on my toes while he flinches at the movement of my arms then I give him a short gentle kiss on his lips before backing off again in time to see the most dumbfounded expression on his face. He just stands there for a few seconds as I look at him from the corner of my eye trying to decide what I did to him. He looks like he isn’t certain if he’s embarrassed, liked it, wants to run or some combination of the above selections. I raise my eyebrow which is nearest him still looking at him from the corners of my eyes then glance at Irina who looks like the cat that ate the canary. My eyes are going back and forth between them like they’ve both suddenly gone mad or something. Finally Irina laughs and Tanner turns scarlet.

“Good for you, Schatzi.”

Tanner turns away and begins to do something with his camera without saying anything. In case I didn’t mention it before, as you know I am tall, and in heels I top six feet. Tanner has a good six inches on that and he is built well. The only reason he doesn’t have a girl friend is because he spends all his time with his business. He’s still fiddling with his camera when I walk around in front of him, look him in the face and kiss him again. This time he turns scarlet immediately and begin sputtering, “Kat... You... I... Geez... Kat?”

I smile at him and take his arm then begin to lead him out of the booth so we may do the tour of the convention floor to attract business for Ellen.

“You... I... Wait! I need to change the battery in the camera.”

Wow, a whole sentence.

As he deals with the camera, I’m looking at the wedding and engagement bands on my finger. “Tanner? Do you think Emerson would still leave me alone if I just wore an engagement band?”

“I guess so. But they come as a set.”

“I know. I was just wondering if maybe you wouldn’t mind if all I wear is the engagement band?”

He still hasn’t made the connection and I’m not about to tell him. I just think it would be a lot better if Emerson thought Tanner was my boyfriend and we were engaged than if I was married to some nameless spouse at some undisclosed distant location. I remove the wedding band and look at my finger where the engagement band now sparkles even brighter, at least in my mind’s eye. I like it. If I was a girl, I’d like it a lot.

“Tanner?”

He looks at me, “Yeah?” Just finishing changing the battery and ready to go on with the assignment.

I hold up my hand and wiggle my finger at him showing him the engagement band.

“If we were engaged don’t you think Emerson would leave me alone more than if I was married to a distant faceless somebody?”

He thinks about that, “Yeah. He probably would. Why do you ask... You’re kidding.”

I shake my head no.

He stands up straight if he wasn’t before and gets this strange look on his face before looking down at me in consideration. “You’re kidding?”

“Not really. It was something which I just realised and wondered if you would mind... just for the trip and the shoots with him that is. It would also explain why you would be very protective of me.”

“It might work. In fact, it might work out pretty well. It would explain why we spend so much time together and it would seem to be a normal thing for two people who are engaged. It would also help keep the other wolves away from you since your ‘boyfriend’ is with you. Yeah, it might work out just fine. You don’t mind?”

I answer him by standing on my toes and giving him another quick kiss.

“I can see we will need to spend a little time in practice so you know how to give a proper kiss though.”

Now I pull back from him and my face blushes. This may not work out quite like I was expecting. I manage to bring my hand up between us and show him the engagement band on my finger. Now I return the wedding band to him and give him a sly provocative glance out of the corner of my eye. That was a mistake, a big mistake.

When we come up for air, I’m limp. I don’t know if he meant it or if it was just for show but right now I don’t want to find out.

“Ummm, Tanner? I think we better be going around and doing that which Ellen is paying us to do.”

“Okay with me, Kat. One for the road?”

I turn away and begin to walk down past the booths leaving him to catch up and take more photos for Ellen. As he passes me to take some from the front, “Did anyone ever tell you the way you walk is provocative?”

“Yes as a matter of fact.”

Hurt he asks, “Who?”

“Emerson.”

“I’m wounded. You would compare your fiancee to Emerson?”

“Only when my fiancee makes lewd suggestions.”

“I thought the way you are walking was the lewd suggestion.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be taking pictures?”

to be continued