I long to wake up in the morning and find everything has changed

When Tanner said this evening would be ‘a little dryer’ he certainly was not speaking of the liqueurs. “I don’t believe I’ve seen so many soused people at one gathering before. It’s a wonder they accomplish anything at this dinner.”

“Basically they don’t, Kat.”

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

A quick note to the readers. There are two chapters included in this post. Read them sparingly as I shall not be posting the next chapter until next year. Happy Holidays everyone! I’ve got to go catch a plane.

“This whole event makes me think it was started by Emerson as an excuse for him to fondle the models and select which ones he intends to take to bed with him.”

“There is that. Even Emerson can’t handle too many.”

“I can see that.”

“What? Where?”

“Over there.” I point across the room, “Aren’t some of those your girls?”

“Damn. Yes. Come on we need to go rescue them.”

We manage to pry three of Tanner’s girls from Emerson’s clutches which really doesn’t appreciably affect his entourage. He must have a high opinion of himself as he is hanging on to over a half dozen more.

The tall Blond asks, “Tanner, do we need to leave now? What’s this job you told ‘Emmy’ about?”

“It was something we made up on the spot to get you three away from that randy old goat.” I add to the conversation.

Again from the Blond, “What? I’m going back. He promised he would make us famous.”

“Infamous is more like it. Which would you rather have, a job and agent such as Tanner who cares enough about you to save you from someone like Emerson; or would you rather be pregnant and on the streets?”

She looks at me like I’m crazy. The other two are just standing there — barely.

“Tanner why don’t you say something? Tell her about Emerson.”

“You’re doing just fine.”

“You’re making this up.” the tall blond who is still capable of nearly coherent thought and speech says to me.

“Then go on back and learn for yourself. I’m certain Tanner will hang onto your contract so after your stretch marks are gone you may come back to model.”

“You’re crazy. I want to be more than just a model. I’m going back.”

“Suit yourself. Do you have anything to say Tanner?”

“Nope. If she wants out of her contract with me all she has to do is say so and I’ll tear it up.”

“Then please do so. I’m going to be famous.”

“Okay, Pam. Sorry to see you go but your contract with me is now null and void. I’ll find someone to take your place for the show tomorrow and good luck to you.”

“You’ll need it.” I add as she turns and walks back into the fray.

Tanner turns to the other girls, “You two feel the same way?”

“I thing I go’ng be sick.” The Brunette proceeds to make good on her statement.

The other, another Blond just latches onto Tanner’s arm and drunkenly tells us, “I o’ly ‘ad one drink. Do why I fee this like?”

Tanner looks back at her, “Uh huh. One drink, huh?”

She nods and practically passes out.

“Tanner, you don’t suppose someone put something in their drinks?”

“Possibly. It’s happened before but I’ve never had it happen to my girls. Let’s get them somewhere safe and let them sleep it off. Tomorrow morning will tell us a lot.”

We clean up the Brunette after we get back to the car giving her a sip of bottled water, which she promptly leaves on the parking lot. Something isn’t right but who knows, she may have had a few too many. The Blond, though, claims she had only one drink so we will need to watch her.

We manage, somehow, to get the two back to Tanner’s place, out of their restrictive clothing and into beds in the spare rooms to sleep off their presumed alcohol induced inebriation. I change into something comfortable and retire to study ‘my primary language’ once again.

Tanner goes to his home office for a bit then comes back and knocks at my door, “Kat? Would you check on my girls for a minute? I don’t think I should be going into their rooms since they might be... er... indisposed a bit.”

I don’t give it a thought and just go check on them pulling the covers back up on the Blond who is out like a light. Yes she’s still breathing.

The Brunette is a bit of a worry though. I ask Tanner to come back into the room and we check her pulse which is there but I’m worried.

“If someone gets too much of whatever sometimes goes around at these dinners or parties what can it do to them?”

“I haven’t the faintest. My girls are a part of my livelihood so I wouldn’t do anything to them because it affects me too. I think we better get her to a hospital.”

“I think we better get them both to a hospital just to be safe. I’m getting dressed. You watch her.”

I ignore makeup and just put on something easy like a blouse and levis, then grab my purse. We bundle each of the girls into a comforter and get them out to the car then Tanner drives us to an emergency room, going in for help while I watch the girls.

I can just picture Tanner and I raising a family and the times we will be bringing our children to the hospital or the doctor and the worry of it. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? I don’t even want to go there right now.

The girls are taken into emergency and tests begin on them. Turns out the Brunette was given several different things all of which acted in concert to really rough her over. The little Blond basically was given the date rape drug, presumably in her one drink. Emerson couldn’t have made it around to spike everyone’s drinks so the drugs must have been in the bottles of wine. Luck of the draw is the only reason two of Tanner’s girls got it. If the one had a mix of volatile cocktails then presumably other models also happened to receive various mixes. The emergency room personnel tell us the police must be notified and Tanner suggests that he also would like a copy of the report. Once the police show up we waste no time telling them to check the empty bottles from the dinner at the convention center and to follow up on the girls taken back to Emerson’s and a few of the other muckity muck’s hotels.

“You may find a number of them to have been similarly drugged.”

Tanner is fit to be tied and the police are wondering if we did it until the little blond wakes up for a bit and tells them Tanner is the good guy and her one drink was poured by those serving the wines. This is going to be a very interesting situation and it serves to caution me against accepting drinks from anyone except Tanner once we are in Europe. Not that I’ll be drinking but, he said some wine will be present with the meals.

“I hope you already have people at the convention center before all the evidence is gone. I don’t take kindly to people trying to do this to my girls.”

Once again that causes a bit of confusion until the police figure out the girls are employed as models by Tanner’s agency. I’m really sleepy since I’ve been up all day and now half the night. Tanner and I nap in the waiting room for word on the Brunette who is not in very good shape. Well... I guess her shape is okay but her health at the moment is pretty poor.

We manage about four hours of sleep between us and check on the Brunette again. They are far more optimistic now and she will be going up to another room for a couple of days. The billings will be handled through Tanner’s medical insurance. All his girls are on the insurance. That’s one of the benefits we receive working for Tanner. The little Blond is released and was held only because of the drug in her system and for short term observation. We bundle her back into the comforter and take her back to Tanner’s where she may dress in the clothes of the evening prior and I change to something so I may go to work. We return her to her own home so she may change since she feels up to modeling again today although still a bit disoriented. Tan calls around until he has two more girls to fill in for today and then he, the Blond and I drive to the convention center to continue the show.

At the Hotel’s convention center rumors are running rampant and we ‘learn’ that a few of the men also had been drugged. I suppose that sort of thing can happen when the drug is in the bottles rather than particular glasses. The point of all this escapes us since drugging the men doesn’t make much sense if having sex with the female models was the object of the exercise. Perhaps whoever was behind it simply wanted to cause confusion. If so then they definitely succeeded. It isn’t as if this was some kind of celebrity gathering and we were all millionaires who could be held for ransom. Then too, less than half the people drank alcoholic beverages at all so the whole thing seems very odd. It seems more like some juvenile kind of prank which got out of hand rather than something which was logically planned out and executed.

This last day of the show the police continue to have a presence and the number of people who are missing is low, perhaps under ten percent which would tend to indicate about a fifth or less of the people at the dinner were affected. Still, it is a bit unnerving and the police waste considerable time trying to learn if people are well but just ‘under the weather’ from the effects.

Four others who were as badly drugged as was Tanner’s Brunette have turned up, three of them made it to hospitals and one was ill in her hotel suite. For two it was nip and tuck but fortunately there were no deaths. Still it was not a good thing but served to make me far more observant of things going on at group gatherings. Hell, it could happen at a one on one gathering.

I’m really lucky that Tanner is the one for whom I went to work. His reputation in the industry is Sterling, both for his photographic talents as well as his treatment of ‘his’ girls. He takes a slightly larger percentage of the girl’s earnings as his commission, or so I’ve heard, but he also purchases things they need out of business funds when those items are necessary to a shoot or work in general, so I suppose it balances out.

A few of the girls have him controlling their investment funds and he is very careful about those. He’s been in this business for five or six years and has never been involved or even hinted at having been improper in his care for their funds. I tried to give him most of the funds which remained after my shopping and he told me to put them into a savings account. He doesn’t want me trying to invest more than twenty percent of my funds into the slightly more risky ventures which are uninsured but have higher yields. That’s the same advice his gives to all his girls, “Savings accounts made with several different banks are insured. The property markets are not.”

The day finally winds down and things begin to settle back into the normal day to day grind. The first thing up on Monday is another visit with Tanner’s sister. He has me rising at the crack of dawn because we need to go in VERY early to see her.

We make it through the ‘gauntlet’ with far less difficulty since I now have female ID which matches with the young woman the deputies see before them. Soon we are back in his sister’s office. Why do they call the office, ‘chambers’?

Anyway...

“Welcome back, Katrina, Tan. Sorry for having you come in so early but we have a lot to discuss and I don’t have a great deal of time this morning so I’m starting early.”

“That’s all right, your honor.” I reply, “We have a lot going on today as well and this morning is a good time.”

“First step, call me Jennifer or Jenny.”

“Thank you, Jennifer.”

“You’re welcome,” she moves right into the nitty gritty so I know she’s pressed for time, “I’ve received the doctor’s preliminary reports back the same day I first saw you. What took some time were the full reports and the results of the scans that Doctor Farmington had run on you. That’s the major reason I had Tan bring you in this morning. Tan, you will need to listen to this too, because it will fall on your shoulders to keep a strict watch of her and I’ll tell you a little more about that after this meeting.

First of all, your chromosomes are XY like any other male but your body looks most definitely female. This apparently is due to a number of medical issues resulting from the period of time you were in the womb. The first and most obvious issues are your feminine shape and your breasts. I see from William’s notes that your shape has been feminine all your life but your breasts began to grow when you were...” she flips a couple of pages and returns, “about eleven years of age. Both of these are just the tip of the iceberg as the scans and other blood work he ordered learned much more.”

She pauses here to see if I’m still on the same page so to speak.

“All right. The scans indicate that while you have male organs on your body they are not fully developed and are in fact apparently not properly functioning. In other words as a male you are sterile...”

“So those scans did sterilize me?” I blurt out feeling totally betrayed by the medical profession.

“The scans? Oh, no! You were sterile long before that. The scans simply showed that your testes were undeveloped. Of far greater and possibly more dangerous import are the other discoveries. The X-rays and scans show the skeletal structure of your pelvic region is also female. That is, if you were a fully functioning female you would be able to give birth in much a normal manner as your pelvic region is properly wide to allow for it, however, you will never do that since your Uterine cavity and canal are nearly non-existent.”

“What does that mean in English?” I don’t follow this except for the part where I can’t have children because I can’t make sperm.

Jennifer continues, “In English? For the most part you are a female. However, and this is a big however, you don’t have ovaries which means you cannot have children. Further your Uterus, which is where a child would grow until birth, also is undeveloped. The upper Vaginal canal, which is part of the path the child would follow to get from the Uterus to the outside world, exists but halts before connecting with an underdeveloped opening just behind your scrotum. The pathway almost exists and the location where your Vagina should be is not large enough at this time. Do you follow me so far?”

“I think so. I’m sterile as a boy and sterile as a girl, so I am an it like my Dad kept telling me.”

“Not exactly. The doctor is afraid that your Uterus might begin to develop which could be quite dangerous to your health if it does so. The reason it could be dangerous is because if it matures and begins to cycle without the rest of the path also developing then the blood will basically have nowhere to go. It could not seek release to the outside since your Vaginal canal is incomplete.”

“So that means they need to take out this Uterus thing?”

“Or to complete the vaginal canal and give you a proper Vagina in place of the small opening.”

OH yeech. They want to make me a girl boy? Either way I can’t have children and if they do that then I may as well get a job in a freak show.

“Katrina are you still listening?”

“What? Yes I heard you. I can’t have children no matter which way I go. I’ll look like a girl with boy’s parts hanging on her but they won’t work and my girl parts won’t work so I can’t have children.”

“That’s a brief synopsis and not entirely correct.”

“So how could I have children?”

“The doctor is not certain you could however, and this is a big however, he feels that should your Uterus begin to develop then you might be able to have fertilized eggs implanted which would allow you bring a baby to term.”

“In English again please.”

“If your Uterus grows and the vaginal canal is properly enlarged and completed, you could artificially be impregnated as a woman and give birth to a child as a woman.”

My face must have betrayed my shock. Tanner looks equally as shocked.

“Keep in mind that if your Uterus begins to develop without the corrections to the vaginal canal it could cause you severe harm. That’s why you will need to go in periodically for exams and blood work and Tan will need to keep a very close eye on you in the meantime.” She eyes him with one eyebrow raised, “we will talk some more after Katrina leaves the room.”

I begin to get up.

“Where are you going? We’re not finished yet.”

“There’s more?”

“Yes there is... You also went to see James, Doctor Worth...” Tanner snickers and his sister scowls at him but continues, “His evaluation indicates your thought processes are more feminine than masculine although there are elements of both...”

“Talk about hedging your bets.” Tanner mumbles.

“Tan, don’t make a difficult situation worse. Doctor Worth feels that your physical appearance aside, your mental processes are more female than male but as I said previously, not entirely so. He feels after his interview with you that you fall into one of the categories of transgender and depending upon your desires he feels you are a candidate to complete the sexual transition to female. He is completely unaware of Doctor Farmington’s results and came to this conclusion on his own.”

“Fancy that.” Tanner says, “It wouldn’t have anything to do with her looking so female now would it?”

“Tan, I’d send you from the room if it weren’t so important that you understand all this too.”

“What’s to understand? She’s mostly girl, which is obvious, and partially boy, which is also obvious. It took two doctors and a bunch of expensive tests to tell us what we already know?”

“Brother dear — shut up. If you don’t have something constructive to say then don’t open your yap.”

Tanner begins to get up and walk toward the door.

“Tan, you get right back here and sit unless you want this girl’s death on your conscience.”

He halt midstream as I gape at his sister and he turns around, “What do you mean, death?”

“Come back here and sit down. Now that your stupidity has made it necessary for me to say it while she was still in the room she may as well stay and hear the rest.”

Tanner looks like his balloon has been deflated and he slinks back to sprawl in his chair once again.

“Now Tan, are you going to listen carefully or sulk like a child?”

Tanner sits upright, “Okay Sis. Tell us why all this is life threatening to Katrina here.”

“Remember what I said about an undeveloped Uterus?”

We both nod our heads.

“Okay. If for whatever reason, it begins to develop then at some point it could begin to cycle. That means Katrina would have a period. There is nothing to say this will ever happen and it may or may not be able to be forced by putting her on a male to female regimen that other transgender girls follow.

If, for any reason, it does begin to develop without the proper completion of the vaginal canal then, as I said, when it begins to cycle there will be nowhere for that blood to go except into Katrina’s body and that could make her very ill or even kill her. For that reason I wasn’t going to bring it up except privately with you so you could watch her and get her to a hospital if or when you notice she’s becoming ill. I didn’t want to worry her but, no, you had to be a jerk.

“Story of my life.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“So what could be done now to protect her?”

“That’s up to her. She has the information and she may either have the female organs removed or have the pathway completed, her choice. I’m going to hold this second set of papers until such time as she makes that decision. She may have years or she may have days but at some time the decision must be made. So long as her Uterus does not change she is okay. When it begins to change then a decision must be made quickly one way or the other. Katrina, do you understand all this?”

“I think so. If I decide to be a girl then maybe I could have babies if they are implanted in me? But, as a boy I can’t have children?”

“Close enough. I’m not going to allow the use of hormones because they could trigger development of that Uterus within you. I keep calling it an Uterus but it really isn’t quite that developed and the report is using terms, such as the paramesonephric duct, which are not usually used by the general public . In a male a number of these things exist when he is born but then they degenerate as the male develops and enters puberty. Apparently you have not gone through that period and I don’t want to do anything to tip the scales until you decide which way you want them to fall.”

“ I think I understand, I may pick whether I’m a boy or a girl?”

“I’m afraid not. The way I read these reports you will always look like a female even if you continue to allow those male organs outside your body to remain. You will not be able to sire children. If you opt to have those organs removed and to attempt to develop the female organs then a regimen of hormones could help that once you have the vaginal canal corrected through surgical intervention. Either way I want you to spend some time thinking about it and then I’ll place the power of the court behind your decision so appropriate medical action may be taken. Tan, I want you to take good care of this young lady in the meantime.”

“I get it, Jen. I’ll try to do everything I can.”

Jennifer looks at him and then nods her head, “Any questions, Katrina?”

“I... I don’t think so. At least not right now. Wait. Yes I have one. Are there any more parts of me which are male other than what’s outside my body?”

“I don’t see any mention of them in the reports but that’s a valid question to ask your doctor when you see him again. Any other questions?”

“I... don’t think so. I see the doctors again Wednesday morning so if I have any questions I’ll write them down and ask the doctors.”

“Good. If you do talk with the doctors and they confuse you, tell them to provide me with the information and you and I may talk about it later.” She comes around her desk as I am getting up and she gives me a hug, “Tan, if I hear you haven’t protected her I’ll see you receive a parking ticket every day for the rest of your life.”

He doesn’t have much to say and I start giggling then take his arm so he may lead me out of chambers. At this point Jennifer grabs him halting us both. She points to the engagement band on my finger, “What’s the story about this? The last I saw you were wearing both an engagement and a wedding band.”

I explain the rest of the mess we had spoken about last week and the slight change to help protect me.

“Was that his idea or yours?”

“The bands were his idea then changing it so I am his fiancee was my idea.”

She shakes her head, “You don’t know what your getting yourself into, Kat. If you become female and this goes somewhere... I hope you are able to control a big baby because that’s what you’re going to have on your hands. Beat it you two, I’m behind schedule and today’s going to be rough.”

Tanner and I depart, crossing that bridge where the light breeze whips up under my skirt chilling my legs as we walk. They really need to enclose it so people may cross easily in inclement weather, but it isn’t all that bad during the warmer months.

We drive out in the Beemer after Tanner pays our Tariff and we are on our way to the Social Security offices. The building where I apply for my passport is just a little way down the block from Social Security so we may leave the car there. Social Security doesn’t take long. They call up the number on their computer and take a certified copy of my name change and make the appropriate notations in the file. A new card will be mailed but, presto, Social Security thinks I’m Katrina Van Derholt.

Passports is much more time consuming... Yada, Yada, Yada...

No, I’ve never had one before. Yes, I need one because I’m going to Russia.

No, I’m not a terrorist. No, I’m not defecting.

Yes, I am a model and have a short engagement in St. Petersburg as well as six other locations on the list which is provided by Tanner.

Yes, the whole thing will take about four to five weeks and then I’ll be returning to the States for a while before the next trip.

Yes, this will occur on a fairly frequent basis.

Yes, I’m absolutely certain I am not a terrorist.

Yes, I’m a US citizen by virtue of birth (see birth certificate and copy thereof attached).

Yada, Yada, Yada.

How many different ways can we say the same thing?

“All right. Pending investigation we will mail you a passport in the next eight to ten weeks.”

“Perhaps you weren’t listening... She needs the passport now as we leave next Tuesday. If we had more time we wouldn’t have come here for assistance from a sister agency.”

“Perhaps you weren’t listening. We will send you the passport after we investigate and it will be eight to ten weeks.”

At this point Tanner has had enough, “I want to speak with your supervisor.”

“That’s your privilege, but it won’t change anything.”

“In that case I know what will. If DC calls down to your supervisor and says you are impeding an internationally backed mission what do you think the chances are you will be holding this job tomorrow?”

“As if I haven’t heard threats before. Give it your best shot.”

“Thank you, I will.”

Tanner pulls out his cell and goes through his registry before punching the autodial. “Hi, Tony. This is Tanner... Yeah you too... I have a bit of a problem. Yes, I do call you more often than when I have problems. You know that little thing you asked for me to do when I told you about my upcoming trip into the nether lands? Good. That whole thing may be screwed because of a petty bureaucrat in Passport control here... No, I’ve got a passport but the model who is a part of the mission does not. We need her’s within three days and this idiot is refusing to process it faster than ten weeks. Yes, she’s an integral part. She never needed one before... Katrina Van Derholt, that’s D.E.R.H.O.L.T... Van not von...
Just a second.” He turns to one of the clerks, “What’s the department number here?” Having that he goes back to his conversation, “... Okay Tony what else do you need? She wouldn’t give the supervisors name to me... Her badge said Robertson... Ten minutes? Okay, if you can do it that fast, we’ll wait. Thanks Tony.”

As soon as he hangs up I’m right in his face... well... okay so I’m a little shorter than he is but you still know what I mean.

“Tanner, what’s the ‘little thing’ this Tony asked you to do and what does it have to do with me?”

“Nothing much. While we are there we will go around the city and take some photos of you in various places. I can use them in your port and he asked if he could have a set of the photos showing various tourist attractions there.”

Now this might seem like a plausible explanation to you but I think he’s hiding something and there is more fat in this baloney he’s trying to feed me than there is in the french fries I’m not supposed to eat.

“We’ll talk about this later, Tanner.”

“Kat, would I lie to you? I told my sister I would protect you.”

“I’m beginning to think I might need some protection from you, or at least from the omissions of detail in the things you tell me.”

“Kat, you’re too smart for my own good.”

“Tanner...” I lean close to him and whisper, “If you’re a spy at least tell me enough that I may help rather than just wander around fat, dumb and sassy.”

“It’s safer sometimes to be fat, dumb and sassy.”

“Not if you wind up getting caught and I don’t have a clue about how to create a situation which would allow me to get you out of trouble. You can’t look out for me if you’re in a jail cell. I suppose Irina knows since the two of you go almost everywhere together.”

“Kat, you’re too smart for your own good.”

“So let me help in some small way.”

“You are.”

“I mean bigger than that.”

He straightens in his chair and so do I. After a minute or so I hold my left hand up and begin to fidget with my engagement band where he can’t help but notice it. After less than a minute of that his hand covers mine, “Kat. Give it a rest until we are at the studio and it’s safe to talk.”

I give him a startled glance then smile and peck his cheek. He pats my hands then removes his from mine once again. Two women are approaching the counter and one of them is the clerk we were speaking with. They don’t look happy as they motion us over.

We get up and cross to the counter where the new individual silently places a passport on the counter. Tanner picks it up and examines it carefully then hands it to me. I look through it not knowing what I’m looking for as I note the spelling of the name is correct and the photo is one of those which we handed in with the application.

I place the passport in my purse as Tanner says to them, “See, that wasn’t so difficult was it?”

“Why didn’t you simply say this was an Agency issue?”

“I do believe we cautiously hinted at that. The problem was this lady didn’t believe us so it became necessary to go at it from the top down. Thank you for expediting this request. Have a good day.”

He holds out his arm and I accept it then he leads me out to the elevator while the one lady shakes her head as she says to the other with some disdain, “wanna be Spies.”

We exit the building and walk back to the car.

I’m chasing rainbows in the rain

Back at the studio, I’m fairly chomping at the bit to get answers and Tanner continues to put me off.

“Tan, you said when we got back to the studio.”

“I also said, ‘when it is safe’ it isn’t yet. Don’t worry, I will talk about it with you. We have other issues to take care of just now. Modeling issues and they won’t wait. We need to have them completed and in the portfolios as well as out by courier to the paying clients. We don’t have a lot of time right now. If I don’t talk with you here then we will later at the house, I promise. It’s important.”

He smiles at me as I begin to look exasperated at him. I’m about to say something when he leans down a little and kisses my forehead. I look up at him and he leans a little further and kisses my lips. We stand like that for two or three seconds then he backs off again. I’m looking at him and I don’t know what I feel. It’s nice that he wants to kiss since I’m supposed to be a girl right now... I think I like it. But I’m not a girl. Then my thoughts pause in mid flight. Well, I’m certainly not a boy because all there is of that is what can be seen down below. There’s more girl in this body than there is boy... but... which was I supposed to be?

I was brought up boy, or at least some unreasonable facsimile thereof. Then again I kept getting pounded by the other guys and my Dad for being too girly. The girls hated me because I was pretty, so no one liked me. The first people who didn’t judge me and actually supported me, however I happen to be, were Irina and Tanner. Now his sister and the doctors have been nice as well. It’s difficult to forget prejudices which have been beaten into me. The doctor’s said maybe I could be a girl and actually have a baby??? Except that depends on a lot of stuff which would need to be done as well as going on hormones and that other stuff Jennifer talked about. I can’t do that though until we will be sticking around here for quite a while since the changes the hormones might bring about could be dangerous.

I wonder if other T-girls go through this soul searching? I wonder if I’m a T-girl? I have so many questions and I don’t even know what they all are or who to ask.

“Tanner, I’m scared.”

“About?”

“Me.”

He lifts his head and drops it again then draws me into an embrace. No kisses just a nice long, snug, warm, happy, wonderful hug. I don’t know how long we stood there but I needed every second of it. I heard a door open and close somewhere in the studio but ignored it. Tanner is still holding me and I don’t want it to stop. I wish Mom and Dad had held me like this. I wish Sis and I could have been sisters without all the crap. I wish...

I feel Tanner’s arms beginning to loosen and I hug him tighter but he begins to gently pry me loose.

“Come on Kat. We have work to do. I promise if you still need it later I’ll hold you as long as you want.”

I look up at his eyes with the hint of tears in mine, “I wish...”

He looks down at me, “Yeah, I know. Come on beautiful, we have work to do.”

It takes me a bit to get back into the groove but soon I’m placating the clients and a pair of models as well as assisting Tanner by bringing up the pages of photos on the computer for the clients to look at as they transfer to the computer. Sometimes they want to see individual images and I need to take a few moments to remember how that is accomplished and somehow I always seem to bring up the first image so I need to scroll to the one they want to see. I’ll ask Tanner to show me how to do that again. I remember the primary task I have... Stay away from the edit and file features or I might accidentally erase all the pics. I need to break away to go help the models again so Tanner takes over at the computer. I’ll ask him about how I bring up just some one pic in particular later on when the clients are gone.

I also need to ask him if I have enough money earned to purchase a lot more lingerie and maybe a gown. Gad... I’m spending all my money on new clothes, shoes and accessories. At this rate I’ll spend all the money as fast as I earn it. How am I ever going to have my body repaired? Then it hits me... Which way do I want it repaired? Tears... I don’t have time for tears. Maybe after the clients leave.

I thrust my emotions back down just like I’ve done for the last ten or more years and go help the models.

The shoot continues for yet another hour and a half making it one of our longer ones before everyone packs up and leaves. Tanner promising the clients that he will finish the processing and printing of the proofs plus the 8x10's of the pics the clients have already selected on the fly and courier them out tomorrow.

“They’ll probably be couriered out to you in the early afternoon. You should have them no later than four, worst case four thirty.”

“Could we have digital copies as well?”

“Not a problem. I’ll throw those in gratis.”

“Thanks. As always, it’s a pleasure doing business with your Agency, Mr. Hamersley.”

“Thanks. Be sure to spread the word. I’m always looking for new clients.”

They shake hands and depart. The girls and I have done the equivalent.

Tan has a couple of hours work to do now before we go home. I pull out my language lessons and Irina packs up, says his good-byes for the day and is off to go place his orders for more makeup and head home.

I’m sitting there with my lessons playing but my mind is thousands of miles away thinking again about my life; past, present and future. Past and present are the easy parts as recalling memories is something the human mind is particularly adept at accomplishing, especially when those memories are not something I really want to recall. I spend a disproportionate amount of time in self recrimination as well as wallowing in self pity for my lost years of childhood and the confusion they induced in me. Guilt at not being the boy my father wanted me to be and shame at being something Pastor Richards said should never have been permitted to live.

Sadness too at the pain I caused my Mother since I was/ am a freak of nature. I wonder what my life would have been like if my parents had even tried to help me. Who would I be today? Would I be a girl? Would I have had friends? Would it have been possible that my sister and I could have shared lives and gone on dates together with boys, giving each that self assurance that mutual protection affords? Would our brother and Father have protected us? And now... Who am I? Am I still a freak, trying to pretend I’m a girl so people won’t look strangely at me as I bicycle past them? What am I doing trying to be a female model? What does this really mean? I suppose I’m hiding successfully since people are accepting me as a girl. Can’t they see I’m a fraud? I’m not a model. I haven’t the faintest idea what it’s all about. Hell, I’m not even a girl and here I am sharing changing rooms with female models and we are talking together and generally doing things girls do when together.

I still have thousands of questions which no one can answer and yet... Two years from now, if I just save my money, where will I be? One of the richest ‘its’ in the country? Will it even matter anymore? Will I even care about living any longer by then? Do I care about living longer now? Well... Yes, I think I do. I’m beginning to interact with people without them looking at me as though I’m something which should go hide under a rock. I may not have many friends but I’m beginning to collect a lot of people who are not outright enemies. A lot of people who accept me as I am. Yeah, right... As I am... A girl. What would they say or do if I told them I’m a boy? Then again maybe I’m not a boy. I need to talk with those doctors some more. I wish I knew what questions to ask.

My biggest question is “WHAT AM I”? I don’t think they are prepared to answer that. They’ll just look at me and say, “What do you think you are?”

I take several minutes considering that. Who and what do I think I am? Up until the last few days I would have answered that with “I’m Mac.” All right, Who and what is ‘Mac’? He’s a guy who has a Mom and a Dad, a sister and a brother. That’s nice but ‘Who or what is Mac’? What makes Mac the person he or she happens to be?

Good question. Why am I Mac or even better... Am I Mac or am I Katrina? Well I’ve been Mac a lot longer than I’ve been Katrina so I suppose I’m Mac... So how long you’ve been someone determines if you are that person?

I think about that. No. Who you are is who you feel is the person deep inside you. Then what makes you Mac? Is that who you feel deep inside you? I think about that too and still don’t have a good answer. If you are Mac, then why are you wearing Katrina’s clothes and answering to her name? I think about that... Why indeed am I answering to her name? Because she is me. Is she? You just said, “I’m Mac.”... How can you be both Mac and Katrina? Maybe I was mistaken... Maybe I’ve been Katrina all along but my messed up body has been confusing the issue.

Then the question still pertains, ‘Who do you think you are’?
My subconscious asks all the hard questions.

“I DON’T KNOW.” I blurt out so loud that Tanner turns from his computer to look at me. He takes a second glance and gets up, coming over to me as he grabs a box of tissues on the way.

He pulls a few tissues to wipe my face and then takes me into a soft hug as I put my arms around his neck and begin sobbing.

To his credit, Tanner doesn’t say a thing but just allows me to cry and holds me close until I am cried out for the moment. Even then he doesn’t say anything but just helps me mop up my face and then he goes and pulls a flavored water from the fridge and brings it back to me as I sit in a forlorn heap on the chair next to my lessons which are still playing waiting for my answers since no one has stopped them. The water helps a bit and he then helps me up and leads me to the bathroom where I may wash my face to remove the harshness and sting of the tears. I’m moving like a robot. Just doing things by rote without giving them any thought. That question just keeps going through my mind over and over and over, “Who and what do you think you are?” That’s the damn question I’ve been asking myself for years.

Eventually Tanner finishes his preliminary work with the photos and has a number of large ‘poof’ sheets completed. Tomorrow he will print the 8x10s of the photos the clients selected ‘on the fly’ as well as cut the disk with the images on it. The proofs go into an envelope which is addressed to the client to await the rest of the material tomorrow. He calls the courier service and arranges for a pickup at three thirty figuring he will have the rest finished by then.

Finally he goes around checking everything and plugging in the RV before collecting me (and my lessons) to go out to the BMW and ‘home’. That thought reminds me I haven’t been to my apartment in nearly a week. I need to do something about that during this week since the rent will come due while I’m in Europe. That part of my life seems so far away now. Almost as far away as the place where I almost didn’t grow up.

Just how I might pay the rent when it must be done in person causes me a bit of pause and then I break into giggles at what the ‘super’ might think if I show up as Katrina to pay a couple of month’s rent on Mac’s apartment.

Tan glances at me, “What so funny?”

I share my thoughts about what thoughts the ‘super’ might have when I go to pay the rent.

“Maybe we should collect everything from the apartment and bring it to the house. That will save your paying rent and it will eliminate the need for embarrassing answers to embarrassing questions.”

I think about that and agree with him, “It will need to be done before Sunday and I’ll need to give him notice in writing right away.”

He thinks for a second, “Okay. Write it out and we may have it delivered to him tomorrow. Then we may pick everything up Friday or Saturday. How much do you have there?”

“Just clothes and small stuff. The apartment was furnished so the appliances and furniture stay. A few small things like my clock radio and a CD player, some dishes and flatware... not much other than clothes.”

“Think it would all fit in the Beemer’s trunk and the clothes in the back?”

“Easily. I don’t know why I’m really taking the stuff since it isn’t like I’ll be wearing or using any of it soon. I got along without it for the last week.”

“The only concern I can see is if you leave something important there. It might even be a good idea to give the clothes to GOODWILL or something. They might cause you to recall some ‘less than happy’ memories. At this point I don’t believe you need that additional discomfort. You’ll have the money to get new if that’s what you decide you need to do.”

I nod my head. It may be a little early to be ridding myself of them but my own mind is doing just fine at reminding me of the pain of my roots. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m beginning to have a little happiness. Ah... but do you deserve happiness? Someone who isn’t even human but a thing? What would you do with happiness even if you could find it? And if you could, who would that person be? Mac? Katrina? It?

“STOP IT!”

Tanner jerks the wheel for a moment as he looks around urgently.

“WHAT? What did you see? Did I hit something?”

“NO. No. Everything’s okay Tanner... Sorry... My mind is still punishing me. I didn’t mean to cause you stress.”

“Ookkkaayy...... If your mind is going to be doing that sort of thing often, maybe you could put up a flag or something so I won’t panic when you yell.”

“I’m sorry.” I gently place my hand on his on the wheel. “I didn’t know I was thinking out loud.”

“Not just thinking but yelling. Do you do this often?”

“I... don’t think so. This past week has stirred up some very old memories which are threatening to eat me alive.”

“I can call in an exterminator.”

“What? You want to fumigate my mind?”

“Will it help?” he says defensively.

“Probably not.”

“Well, then I won’t waste the money.”

“Your sister was wrong. You’re not a big baby. You’re a very intelligent and humorous fellow.”

“Rats. And I thought I was hiding it so well.”

“You also like to joke a lot.”

“Oh, oh. Found out again. Don’t tell Sis. She’ll never believe you anyway; she grew up with me.”

“In spite of you, you mean.”

He gets this bright look on his face, “Ah, well... that too. Ah, home sweet home.”

“Yes. And if you take a good look around you’ll notice it’s a lot cleaner than it was a couple of days ago.”

“What? You vacuumed up my favorite dust? How could you?”

“Oh it was easy. I did it with the vacuum and these two hands.”

“Great, just what I need. A girlfriend who is as accomplished a jokester as moi.”

“Give me half a chance and I’ll have you going in circles, mien scat.”

“How, exactly, do you mean that? Figuratively or literally?”

“What? The half chance or the circles?”

“The mien scat!”

The smile drops from my face, “You know what it means?”

“Natuurlijk mien duifje. I’m a spy, remember?”

This is all becoming so exciting and frightening.

“So Mr. Spy, how many languages do you know?”

“Counting English?”

“All right, counting English.”

“Oh... let’s see. There’s this and that and then... Yeah... Could be...” he turns to me briefly as he answers, “one or two.”

My bubble of expectation that I might actually get a real answer out of him bursts with his declaration.

“Oh. You can’t even give me one straightforward answer can you? I’m your fiancee and you lie even to me.”

“First of all Kat, you aren’t really my fiancee. At least not yet. If that happens to change in the future then possibly; but for now it is a fiction just as much as my being a spy. All I do is take photographs. As to lying, I haven’t lied to you. I may not tell you all the truth but I haven’t lied.”

“Omission of the truth is as good as a lie.”

“Oh no, Katrina. It’s better than a lie. Lies may be found out, but truth is truth.”

“Then Mr. Purveyor of Truth, would you tell me exactly how many different languages you happen to be capable of speaking sufficiently fluently to either understand them or to make yourself understood in them?”

“No.”

“I give up. I swear I’m going to tell your sister and let her deal with you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would and I will.”

“She’ll never believe you.”

“I really don’t care. You will be her problem and not mine.”

We make the turn at the end of the block and less than twenty seconds later are parked in the driveway of his house. Once again I march up to the house, unlock the door with my key and go up an enter my room. Moments later I hear Tanner close the front door and ten or fifteen seconds later the alarm goes off. I hear him running back to the keypad and soon the alarm stops shrilling. Another ten seconds and the phone begins ringing. He gives some kind of excuse along with what I suppose is a password and then hangs up.

I’m changing to something casual when he knocks on my door.

“Just a minute.” I finish changing and go to the door.

“Yes, you wanted something?”

He stands there just looking at me for a few seconds and as I begin to close the door once again he blocks it.

“Tanner, stop it. This isn’t amusing.”

“Five and three dialects.”

“What? Oh. And why are you telling me now?”

“Because you’re right, there’s no reason for you not to know.”

“Thank you. I suppose one of those languages is Russian?”

“Possibly. Kat, please... that’s all I can say at the moment.”

I stand there and think then give him a little smile and reach up gently touching his face. “Okay. I’ll accept that. When will you be able to tell me more?”

“That depends on a lot of things, some of which are completely out of my control.”

“If I finally decide to become a woman rather than a man again would you be able to tell me?”

“I don’t know.”

I get a very perturbed expression on my face.

“Kat. Easy. Even if you were a full woman right now, this second and we were really engaged, I still could not make that decision. It would be up to others to say what I could tell you. Hell, even having a pretend girl friend could be a liability. I don’t want to see you hurt, Kat.”

“I’ve been beaten most of my life and hurt so badly so many times that I knew the inside of the hospital better than I knew my own room at home. Hurt? I’ve been physically and mentally hurt more that you could ever guess and for nearly all my life. There is no way you can ever... EVER remove those pains from me. The best you could do is to help me to find w happy memories and if that’s too much to ask, then I guess I’ll have to find them on my own somewhere and somehow else. You can’t stop me from being hurt again - badly. All you can to is help me to forget the pain.

The pain of having my own family turn their back on me. The pain of having my own brother and father beat me up because I couldn’t fight back against the bullies in school who beat me, which gave me a double helping of sorrow. My own sister would give me over to guys so they could pound on me. My mother who never comforted me but turned me over to my Dad whose sole thought was if he beat on me hard enough and often enough the demons which made me look female would be purged. PAIN? You have no idea what pain is like.”

Tanner listens to this and is just beginning to get a glimpse into my past. The door to my memories opens for a few seconds before it slams shut again to keep the pain from over-whelming me. Those few seconds nothing compared to the years I’ve been through. I think he is starting to realise this. He once again gently pulls me to him and holds me in his arms and once again I’m wishing my Dad had done this.

“Katrina... If anyone ever touches you and causes you hurt, tell me.” He kisses my forehead and continues to hold me. Again I don’t know how long he holds me but I don’t fight it. I need the warmth of someone caring about me. A gentle touch telling me things will be all right. Perhaps not all of the time but, at least, for a little while. It’s nice to just be held and to feel like I’m loved even if it’s someone who is nearly a stranger who is just trying to show to me that someone could care about me. I’m not alone. There are others who care.

to be continued