Bridges 13

Chapter 13

Brandon’s alive I’ve been told by Lacey when she came down to see me. She’s made the trip three times since I’ve been down here. Three months I’ve actually been down here. I was under heavy observation for a week on suicide watch. Then three weeks of really heavy observation to see if I’ve literally gone off my nut.

The rest of the time’s been mixed in between quiet time and going through PTSD with both a therapist and in group. It helps, it does. I hope that some of my shit helps someone else deal too. There this guy M’hael Jackson who runs that part of things in the cellar of the main building.

There’s times where he does stuff to get us to brace ourselves against freaking out. Like a boxing night, or rather a sparring night where we’re all there if we trigger. We stop each other then we talk it out what we were feeling and why we lost it.

Other nights it’s shooting at this gun range as a group. We’re all military here and a few cops and stuff in our PTSD group. We are supervised or supervised really well by six MP’s when we go out on our fieldtrips. I’ve been tossed in the straightjacket and the rubber room twice overnight because of getting into fights with two apes that objected to my TG status. Yeah they got tossed too. I tripped out once in sparring and four times at the range. It sucks that I’m not the only one here that’s shot at or nearly killed. One guy caught his kid with nine buckshot pellets when he just missed his three year old who was shooting up the house with a toy gun. It’s a gut wrenching thing to hear. I shot the guy I’m in love with…or was.

The other times I’m doing parts of my other therapy. I’m in a rape survivors group dealing with my molestation issues and I’m seeing a Dr. Johansson for that which includes regression therapy. It’s the hardest part of all of this. Remembering things I’d blocked out from being little.

But I am remembering things. Like being so sure that I was meant to be a little girl instead of a little boy. That Dad had a younger brother who became or tried to become his little sister but back then it was even less accepted than it was back then and my Uncle Sean who became or tried to become my Aunt Shelly died buy taking her own life in university. I can remember only ever going to her grave…not Uncle Sean’s. It’s actually in the back field home on the farm.

I remember that Mom and Dad were both scared that the same thing might happen to me. So when they found out that I was saying that and that I was adamant that I was a girl they went with it. Those memories and not the abusive ones are some of the greatest memories I have. When I remember being that little girl with Mom doing stuff like her tole painting or making stuff in my Easy Bake oven or having tea with her and my dollies I’d spend a few days an utter sobbing blubbery wreck. God I miss her.
I was so proud of her, the fact she was a Mountie and that she caught the bad men and she put them away. My mom was my heroine; I wanted nothing more in the whole world than to be like my mom.

I miss my Mommy so much….

Dad…Daddy…you’d think that a guy would be all freaked out that his only child that his son, his little boy didn’t even want to be a boy…that it would’ve been a blow to his ego. No…Not my Dad…My Daddy. He loved me and I knew everyday that I was his little angel. He’d call me that. He’d play Tea party with me. He taught me how to ride a bike, from my pink Big Wheel to my tricycle to my very first little one with the training wheels. I wanted to learn how to figure skate and he signed me up for the classes and he’d be up at quarter to six every Saturday morning to drive me into my lessons. Even if he was just getting back from a fire or working night call. Instead of building a homemade rink to play hockey with his boy he built me a homemade rink so I could skate at home. He’d sometimes put on his own skates and he’d come out and skate with me…he used to read me my bed time stories. He’d take me with him to where ever he’d meet mom when she was doing a patrol shift. He held me when I’d get scared; he hunted the monsters in my closet and under my bed. He was my Daddy.

I miss my Daddy so much…..

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, ever because every time I go through this I remember a little more of them, I get pieces of them back that I never had before but at the same time it all connects in my head and collides together that They’re gone…and that little girl part of me is still so close to the surface that I curl myself around one pillow and shove my face in another and cry, I cry like that little girl who just lost her parents.

It threw me into a depression that lasted days. I’d be allowed to just sit and process and cry. My Doctor for that would come in and check on me and try to get me talking about it with the resident grief councilor there. I got a shot of something now and then and pills too. They’re actually really good too they came to me when I got this way. Came into my roof and just talked to me and really mostly listened to me as I went through all the stages of both losing them all over again but at my anger for The Bastard who molested me taking that life I should have had that happiness and joy I had at being their little girl away from me. He stole memories of those years from me and locked Samantha Chase behind a wall of nightmares.

I’ll say this much if I wasn’t filled full of female hormones and having my emotions so much more on the surface than before and this have come back on me. I would have killed myself. Being here has saved my life.

But it has slowly gotten better; I’ve been getting better able to deal with all of my issues.

I’m also getting really in shape in the well stuporvised gym and getting to be a regular ace at checkers and ping pong.

But it’s all a distraction….I’ve been avoiding Brandon.

He’s come to see me like seven times and each time I’ve said I’m not taking visitors. Just what the hell do I say to him? I’m afraid to even look at him. I’m scared of the freak out that I’ll have if I see him. Eli has shown up four times or so and he’s kept me in the loop with stuff up at Brandon’s and that Brandon and Cass have been taking care of my place.

Cass…Cass has been such an awesome friend. I know what she did stepping in as my legal council when I was out of it. I know she’s saved my life a few times just by being there…for me and being here too.

She’s taken her vacation time to spend it driving back and forth to come every couple days to see me. If she arrives when I’ve been having a bad day she rents a room at the closest motel and stays until I’m ready to take visitors. She brings me my newspapers from home my laundry and she brings me a large double-double from Tim’s every time she comes to see me. And I look forward to seeing her more and more to we talk on the phone during my hour of phone time, and we talk online during my online time too. She’s damned funny and she’s a real good friend, even…more? I’m attracted to her which my Doctors say is alright, that I can be transgendered and still be bisexual. I’ve had dreams of her sometimes, usually right on the nights that she’s visited me.

Then there that whole Mountie girl thing and that whole thing about me being attracted to her because of my idolization of my mom.

The thing is it’s not in my head either…the last time Cass was here she fidgeted at the door to her truck, and chewed on her lower lip then she stepped up and on her tip toes she kissed me.

A real kiss too. She put her arms around my neck and pressed her big DD breasts into my C’s and really kissed me. It wasn’t like my ex-kissed either with Cass it was long and soft but it was so…it felt like nothing I have ever felt with my lipstick sliding against hers and the flavors mixing and the scent of our perfumes blending together and I could even feel my nipples hard as little diamonds rubbing her hard nipples through our bras and our tee shirts. It lasted like ten minutes and when she stepped back we were panting and her eyes had that glaze one gets when you really kind of want somebody and I was hard as a rock.
Yeah…great kiss.

Then she got in her truck and left, when she pulled out the truck stopped a second she looked at me and bit her lip and then gave me a little smile then drove away.

She’s coming today.....I'm really excited actually.

To say that I’m really confused over my feelings for her and the way that I feel for Brandon who I know, or think I might be in love with ever though I shot him. I shot him and tried to blow my brains out and he stops me. And he doesn’t just stop me but he grabbed me and he kissed me.

He might have been going to die and he kisses me. What kind of guy does that?

I’m getting released today.

I’m waiting outside with my bags when Cass pulls up in her brand new Chevy Tahoe. She gets out and I can’t help but notice her. I can’t help but notice a lot of things about her. Her hair is loose but she’s gotten it done and styled so it looks just great in that Sun kissed just slightly wavy golden blonde kind of way. She’s got that kind of sexy blonde hair you’d see on someone like Christina Aguilera or something. She’s five foot seven and she’s got strong shoulders like a girl boxer or something but they fit her so perfectly to go with those full DD breasts of hers. I can sort of see the lace of a very nice Victoria’s secrets style of bra peeking along with the cleavage of her V-necked red tee shirt. Cass was wearing these body hugging skinny jeans and her tan fringe topped leather boots went well with her old vintage western styled buckskin jacket.

God she looks good, stunning even and it’s…a very strange feeling getting aroused as a guy might while my nipples were hardening and I was getting that achy need to be touched feeling in my girls.

Cass swayed up to me and smiled this big beautiful smile at me and stepped up and kissed me pressing against me. It’s just like the last time she kissed me. And honestly it’s confusing a little, but not sexually. I still want to be me. I want to be Samantha Chase; I want to get my body to match my head. I just kind of never actually thought about the sex that I would prefer in bed. After my last few relationships I really didn’t want anything to do with anyone and that just got worse and compounded by my PTSD and the lovely months of hell that Henry Wade and company had given me.

Then I met Brandon; actually I met Cass first but Brandon brought me out of my shell and into being myself again. Or rather as close to my old self as I had been in a long time.
Being attracted to Cass had very much surprised me but I did have a girlfriend back in Toronto and…as bad as she was…Cass is like her total polar opposite. Cass knows me so well and despite me being the mess that I am she still likes me, more than like me she like me for the girl that I am. The kiss alone is proof of that.

She kisses me like I’m beautiful, she kisses me not like I’m a guy at all but that I’m a woman that she cares for despite my medical issues. It’s as validating as Brandon was but in a whole other way.

She breaks the kiss and smiles at me then she starts taking my bags for me.
“Hey...Cass I can do that y’know.”

“Sure you can but I like doing this kind of thing for beautiful girls.”

“Oh really just how many beautiful girls have you done this for?”

“Just you, it’s been a long time since I’ve been with anyone.”

“Yeah, I still don’t get that Cass. You’re smart and funny and kind and beautiful I’d think that you’d have any girl who was into girls falling all over you.”

“Kind of… If all I wanted out of life was just casual sex then yeah I’m all set. But to get into a relationship….I’m a cop, and lesbian relationships are rocky at the best of times or they have been for me then toss in me being a cop and getting called out at odd hours and it sometime being dangerous and the chance of getting restationed somewhere…it all adds up and usually in the negative way.”

I can get what she means; I lived with the moving around with mom. She and dad really loved each other but I can remember that each time was more and more stressful and they fought about it sometimes. Mostly about how she could’ve opted for a longer posting so we wouldn’t have to move so much. Mom took all the postings though and the shitty shifts and stuff so when she made LT. She could actually move one last time while I was still young enough to make friends and we moved to dad’s hometown of Bridgeview permanently.

I get why when Cass talks about it she gets this lonely note in her voice. There are a lot of regular families that don’t make it through the cop’s life.

We get into the truck and head for home. It’s about a three hour drive but it’s a beautiful drive. The scenery here is always breathtaking but there’s a lot of it that’s the company and even more right now is being out of there.

I get a little misty as we drive over the suspension bridge and I’m home. I’m looking out at the town and it just looks so…its home, even with all the assholes I’ve had to deal with, it’s still home.

“Cass? Can we stop somewhere, I want to get some flowers and stuff for some graves.”

“Yeah…Sure thing Sam, Anything you want.”

I smile at her and she smiles back. It was a good moment.

I got out at MacArthur’s Flowers and went inside. I know Matt the guy, the son who took the place over. He’s a football jock but his family has always been good to the families of cops, military, medical personnel, firefighter and stuff. His family did the flowers for dad’s funeral, moms too I think. I walk in and Matt looks up at me from his pruning.

“Sam? Sam Chase?”

“Uhm…Yes...”

“It’s me, uhm Matt; I was on the football team.”

“Uhm...Hi?”

“Gosh I heard but wow, you look amazing.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you actually look a lot like your mom.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, your mom was like a total Milf.”

“Matt!”

He’s grinning at me and steps forward and gives me a hug kind of surprising, I wasn’t really that popular in school but I was a track jock, I’ve always been a runner.

“Uhm…Matt? What was that for?”

“Oh…I’m sorry Sam, it’s just because of you I kinda got my head in the right place and my life turned around.”

“Huh? How’d I do that?”

He turns towards the back. “Hey Honey you wanna come out.”

“I already am out quarterback boy.”

That’s said by this rather nice looking youngish guy with short spiked black hair and some tattoo’s and piercings. He gives me this up and down. Matt beams at him. “Jase, baby this is Sam Chase the girl I knew in school who had the guts to actually be who she really was and inspired me to y’know…” Matt lets me go and goes over to Jason I’m guessing and kisses him very openly and deeply. I mean I saw this coming a mile away as they were talking and stuff but to actually see one of the big elite jocks from school passionately kissing another guy was still kind of pleasant shock.

I hang back for a few minutes and let them snog for awhile and I look at some of the blooms. They break the kiss with Jason shoving Matt away. “Forgive my husband he’s still in that out of the closet puppy stage.”

Okay, that raises an eyebrow. “You two are married?”

Jason nods but Matt hugs him from behind, he smiles and leans back on him and shoves his hands into Matt’s front pockets. “Yeah, Matt and I got married last year in Niagara Falls but we’ve been going steady since we met down in Florida State.”

“You guys having any trouble since coming home?”

“Some but it’s been getting better lately, plus Matt here is still the big town hero in a lot of respects.”

Matt’s blushing. I got drafted to play for the Dolphins but when they found out about me and Jason they tried to fire me. I got a good lawyer and got a good enough settlement to buy the shop from Mom and Dad plus a nice place for me and Jase and even some upgrades to the greenhouses and a tiny little bit left for a rainy day.”

“Matt you do know that gay flower shop owner is a stereotype right?”

“My dad fathered seven of us with my mom and three without her, it’s just a stereotype and one I don’t mind. I get to help people in a creative way. And speaking of which how can I help you today Sam?”

“I wanted to get some stuff to plant at my parent’s graves and my Aunt’s too. Plus a little something for the girl in the truck.”

God they both went over to look, they couldn’t have been more obvious if the were waving. Waving and wearing hot pink. Matt says “Wow, she’s gorgeous, how long have you been seeing her?”

“I don’t know, she’s been a friend for awhile now and she’s gone down to visit me in the hospital a lot over the last three months and there’s always been an attraction there but we’ve only recently started to start heading there…”

“Oh you two haven’t”

“No, not yet. But she’s really special to me Matt you think you can come up with something special for her?”

“Sure!” god he sounds happy, yeah he’s a gay florist. I can’t help but smile as I shake my head.

It takes awhile and we chit chat as Matt and Jason put together not just some flowers but a couple of wreathes as well. That kind of drives home it’s now December, Christmas time it’s actually the 10th.

Wow, time sure flies when you’re in the nuthouse having fun. The boys tell me about some stuff they’ll order up to fancy up the family plot that we can plant come springtime which I’m really grateful for. Mat does up a nice bouquet of six white roses around three red roses and a bit of babies breath in between it all to fill it in and fluff it out and ties it all together with a black satin ribbon. He even has this charm bracelet to put on it instead of a tag. Jason apparently makes jewelry. I really hope she likes both.

Cass has a large Tim’s double-double waiting for me with a Boston cream doughnut when I carry the stuff out to the truck and put it in the back. I put the flowers for her and my family though in on the seat with us. “Mmmn, thanks for that Cass.”

“Hey no problem it looked like you were talking to friends in there so I decided to grab us a coffee.”

“And doughnuts.”

“Whaddaya expect I’m a cop.”

“Yeah…” I lean over and kiss her gently on the lips and she easily returns it. Wow, even with the coffee and the food I still get that silky sensation of soft lips on soft lips and both of our lipsticks working on each other. We break the kiss as she starts the truck up but Cass licks her lips in this I was yummy to her kind of sexy impish way.

I can’t help but look at her now and them as we drive and head out of town to my place. The town looks nice, and all the Christmas decorations are mixing into the feeling of being glad to be home. I’m really glad to be home.

Then we get home and I see Brandon’s place. It’s beautiful. The ranch house s all redone to look like Stonework and old fashioned stained wood working with the big flagstones extended deck and the wrap around porch and the gable roof. The barn and the garage are all done to match it as well as there’s a greenhouse and a really big long barn in the back. He’s got a stained wood fence with the poles as the runner things in between all the posts and the entire scene of seeing it is seeing out in the fields he’s got horses.

And seeing it gives me this ache deep down inside of myself. I’m scared shitless and I missed this all so much. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as we pull up my lane and the first thing I see is my dad’s truck there completely refinished it’s one of those old 1967 ford half tons with that kind of square boxy cab and now it’s like it was brand new, and it’s even got the literal fire engine red paint job that dad had done on it and white walled tires. It’s beautiful…It brings back so many memories and then I see something else.

I see the guys; all of them are here in my yard on ladders all over my house and decorating it all up for Christmas. They all start to come down off of their various perches and ladders and stuff to come over and give me these really big really needed hugs. It’s like I’m coming home to all the brothers that I never had growing up.

Then I see him.
Brandon.
He…He…He looks good, really damned good. Tall and still built but he’s actually lost some weight around the middle not that I was complaining but it shows in the white tee shirt he’s wearing. He’s in those old faded second skin work jeans of his faded just right just stained enough to make them look like the hot hardworking guy…man that he is. A red plaid work shirt is tied off grunge styled around his waist and he’s wearing work boots on. He’s gotten a hair cut too, it’s cut down short on top and the side a bit longer than the military hair cuts it’s more like the short business styled men’s classic hair cut kind of like he had in done regs style but he grew in out like a 1950’s style without the brylcreame.

With his dark brown hair it looks really good especially the sides of his head being just touched with the right amount of sexy grays. My heart’s pounding a mile a minute and my mouth’s gone dry and he’s still walking up to me and oh god I’m scared…I mean, I…I…I shot him.

The first thing he does is step right up and he wraps those massive arms around me and hugs me...holds me actually and I start to cry. I can’t help it, I can’t I’ve dreamt about him doing this, holding me and the way that it feels. The way that he smells; that real man smell mixed with the scent of nice cologne but that being tempered even more with the hints of leather and sawdust. Brandon holds me as I sob into his chest and…I don’t know how many minutes later I pull away just enough to look at him.

“Oh god Brandon I’m…I’m so sorry.”

“Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay I know what was going on. I kind of even knew it then and I was more scared about you hurting yourself the way you had slipped into shock like that.”

“But…But…”

“Yeah, you have a nice butt.”

“Brandon!” I hit him but it’s only a half hearted slap.

He Kisses me.

I’m crying and he’s kissing me like in the movies. His hands coming up from my sides to cup my chin and my face and it’s one of those over and over kisses that leaves you feeling the world is turning around us like in the 360 sweeping camera views.

I swear I heard music.

“I missed you Samantha Chase.”

He kisses me again just like the last one. It’s just as good as the last one, but as it ends I’m realizing I’m kissing Brandon right in front of Cass. I pull away, and look at him. Then I look at her. Cass is leaning against her truck she’s smiling at me but it’s a kind of a sad smile too.