The round peg really doesn’t belong in the square hole —
even if it fits.

Tanner finally reaches the location of the next doctor and I just go along for the ride. Obviously Tanner and this guy have some old history because Tanner is grimacing and his unease is spilling over onto me. We have gone from supportive and happy to angry and cynical.

 © 2010 by Lilith Langtree & Rénae Dáºmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the work’s Owner (copyright holder), with the exception of the private and non-commercial viewing by the reader who is also the end purchaser. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. Any and all images which may be shown within this work are taken through license under Corel with the exception of the title image which is Photo Credit to Irina Sheik. No affiliations, involvement or gender assignations through the use of these or any images of the subject or subjects contained within those posted images is to be implied, intended or inferred.
An Aldoennetti & Langtree Original.

Even so he escorts me into the office before flopping into a chair leaving me to fend for myself while the receptionist seems to be eyeing Tanner much in the way one would look at an uncaged tiger in their livingroom.

My appointment confirmed, I am asked to take a seat and fill out five pages of trivia about my life. Again this seems very strange to me but so did some of his sister’s questions. It dawns on me that this may have something to do with me dressing like a woman for this trip. I’m beginning to wonder if traveling in other countries as a man dressed as a woman might not be a problem beyond just passing as a woman while modeling. The more I think about it the more I begin to think this might not have been such a good idea. Then again, think of all that nice money and after a couple of years I’m free once again and can become me.

They call me to come in and take the clipboard and papers which I have not yet finished.

“That’s okay, hon. You can complete them during your next visit.”

“My next visit?” nets no response from her. She just leads me to an office where the doctor is seated. He jumps up like a jack-in-the-box and comes around his desk to shake hands with me, “Katrina?”

“Yes?”

He looks at the papers and scans through them quickly, “I have a couple of little tests I need for you to take. They are timed and won’t require more than fifteen minutes and then we may talk for a bit after I look at them. Is that okay with you?”

I shrug my shoulders, “I suppose so.”

He takes me through the tests and then does some association questions before he stops and we just begin to talk. Before I know it he is telling me we have finished and he guides me out to the lobby again.

“I would like to see you once more before you depart for... Europe is it?”

I nod yes.

“Okay. Barbara would you set up an appointment for Katrina for next week? Thank you. See you then Katrina.”

“Thank you Doctor.” I’m not certain why I’m thanking him... In fact I’m still in the dark as to what all this means to me.

We begin to discuss my next appointment and I manage to schedule it an hour and a half before I need to see the other doctor for my booster inoculations. Tanner comes over and pays for my session then leads me away as I do my impression of a ‘deer in the headlights’ still trying to piece together what happened all morning. Everything was pretty much fine up until the judge and then I lost track of everything.

We are in the Beemer when I finally come around to thinking about what is going on around me.

“Katrina, we’re pretty close to my house so let’s stop there and pick up the stuff you need from your list on the way back to the studio. We should have enough time to do that before the shoot. If you need to purchase some other things, they’ll just need to wait until we finish the shoot then we may go pick them up.”

“Okay.”

We are stopped at a light so he leans into my field of view a little, “Are you okay, kid?”

“Fine.”

“Yeah, and I’m a monkey’s uncle. What’s wrong?”

“I... don’t know. That last doctor... it just seemed a bit strange. I don’t see what possible bearing it has on my doing any modeling.”

“If it had been up to me you would never have gone there. It wasn’t my choice.”

“Then your sister wanted me to see him for some reason?”

“Probably. She probably wanted some sort of evaluation when she saw how feminine your body looks. Some countries can be a bit off the wall about that sort of thing.”

“Oh.”

“She might also have wanted to be certain you weren’t a ‘gender bender’.”

“A WHAT? Are you being racist?”

“Prejudiced.”

“You’re prejudiced?”

“No, the word you meant was prejudiced not racist; and I’m as understanding as the next guy. In fact a couple of my models are guys who are becoming gals and they look and act the part very well. More power to them.”

“Then why do you use offensive slang?”

“I don’t mean it that way.”

“Then how do you mean it? How do you see me? Am I a... a... ‘gender bender’ as you put it?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

“You’re disgusting.”

“I’ve been told that before.”

“No wonder.”

“Come on Katrina...”

“MAC. My name is Mac. Remember?”

“Actually, it was just changed to Katrina.”

I look daggers at him, if sheer will could kill he would be six feet under.

“I should never have let you convince me to do this.”

“I thought it was all that nice money that convinced you.”

I close my eyes trying to pretend he isn’t here. The car pulls up to a stop and he shuts off the engine. I open my eyes and the first thing I see is that damn wedding ring on my finger along with the nail polish and two dainty hands on the lap of my skirt. I close my eyes again.

“Come on. We need to get your stuff and make a quick stop on the way back to the studio.” he says to me as he opens my door.

I sit there for a few more seconds before getting out and marching up to the door of the house, taking the key out of my purse and unlocking the door. Then I march on toward the room where my things are hanging. I let him deal with shutting off the alarm system.

He just comes into the room when I dump the soft case holding the gown and the petticoat, and a bag containing most of the things I will need for under the gown into his arms. Then I pick up my purse once again and the three inch heels which match the gown before marching back down the hall and out to the car, opening my own door before getting in then slamming it closed. A minute or so later he is at the trunk and carefully putting my things into it before coming around and driving us off again. The ride back to the studio goes silently.

On the way, we make another stop which has me confused for a few seconds until I remember he said we would need to stop on the way back. He leads me in before he goes up to speak with one of the associates who is standing around looking lost. He rushes off while Tanner starts looking in one of the showcases. I’m about to walk up to him when a lady comes out from the back and goes over to talk with him for a moment before pulling something out of the case. They then beckon me to continue my slow walk toward them as they both begin to approach a chair which is located over in the corner.

I reach them just as the lady turns on a couple of lights and picks up and fiddles with some sort of strange thing from the tray next to the chair as Tan tells me to, “take a seat.”

She swabs my left ear with what smells like alcohol and something else then continues to fiddle with my ear as I turn my attention back to Tanner who is still talking to me. I’m in the middle of trying to understand a question when something goes ‘pop’ and I feel this momentary pain at my ear. I’m reaching up even as the shock registers on my face and she swats my hand away from my ear.

“Don’t touch it. You don’t want to contaminate it. I’ll give you something to take with you to keep it clean while it heals.”

As she said all this she and Tanner exchanged places. I’m reaching up carefully to my left ear even as she is swabbing my right ear. I find something which doesn’t belong in the lobe of my ear and am just begin to ask, “What’s going o...” when that ‘pop’ occurs again but in my right ear. Suddenly I figure it out, Tanner distracted me while she pierced my ears.
That sneaky rat just had my ears pierced.

“...a second one in each ear?”

The shock must have registered on my face since Tan laughs even as I’m cupping both my ears in my hands as I nearly yell, “NO... one is quite enough.”

He pays for my new diamond studs, she gives us a little bottle of some liquid to use several times a day on my ears, and we are on our way out as I seriously begin to consider paying better attention to everything going on around me... Especially when Tanner is involved.

At the studio, I let myself out of the car and march in ignoring Tanner. Irina starts to say ‘hi’ but takes one look at me and opts for discretion as the better part of valor. Tanner finally comes in and shakes his head at Irina who purses his mouth, wiggles his fingers, as he raises his hands in an “I don’t want to know” expression before retreating to his little corner of the world.

The client and models show up a few minutes later and this is probably one of the quietest sessions we have ever had. I do a lot of soul searching during that session. Two hours later it is all over and they have gone. The photos went well as did the client and model care, courtesy of moi.

“Katrina could you get over being angry with me long enough to put on the gown and do your shoot?”

“Why these?” as I point to my earlobes, “and which models?”

“Pardon?”

“Which models? You said some of your models were guys who are becoming girls. Which one’s are they?”

“I don’t know that I should break their confidences like that. If they want to tell you then that’s fine but it isn’t up to me to give them away.”

“In other words, there aren’t any.”

“Schatzi,” Irina breaks in, “Yes, there are a couple of T-girls working for Tanner but like he said, it isn’t our place to out them.”

“Irina. Is that what I am? Am I a T-girl?”

“Only your hairdresser knows for sure... In other words, you must examine your own soul for the answer to that. The rest is just plumbing. It may be difficult plumbing and it may cause you a lot of heartache, especially if the world views you as your plumbing but you view yourself as someone else. Who are you, Schatzi? Who are you deep inside?”

“I... don’t know. I’ve tried so hard to be Mac but my body is saying Katrina. My DNA says Mac but my soul... I don’t know... I just... don’t know. I’m afraid to find out. I’m afraid I won’t be who I really should be. What is a T-girl anyway?” I direct at both of them in general.

They ignore my question and Tan retaliates with one of his own, “Who should you really be?”

“That’s what I don’t know.” I wail, “I mean, sometimes I know I’m Mac yet other times I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I’m Katrina, or at least female rather than male and this war inside me scares me. I wish I could just go to a doctor and he or she could put a thermometer in my mouth and when it comes out it says boy or girl and the decision is made. I mean... look at me... I look like a girl, I have breasts but I also have a penis and scrotum. I don’t know if I have girl parts inside me and this whole thing is so frightening to me that I’m afraid to find out. I’m a freak, an aberration. Something which should never have been born but still... I’m me. I have needs, I have feelings, even though so many have repeatedly hurt me so badly.

I don’t know who I am any more. Oh not just because of these past few days but because of years of verbal abuse and self incrimination. People who don’t understand attack me physically and verbally. People who claim to be so righteous and understanding knife me in the back when I’m not there to defend myself. And there are some who take pleasure in doing it even while I stand there. In school there were times when I thought dying would be preferable to what I was going through, and that was just from the other kids.

Why am I doing this... this... dressing as a female and the whole modeling thing? I need to know who I am. Yes, the money is a great attraction but, I NEED to KNOW who I am.”

I collapse in tears as Irina holds me and even Tanner is moved by my outburst. For me... it’s just one more log in the bonfire.

“Maybe all the world is misinformed and I am confused. I don’t think so, but then again my body is flying against popular opinion and I’m getting so tired of pounding my head against a wall, not to mention placing the rest of my body in harm’s way. Some day, somehow, I’ve got to figure out what’s real. This job as a model will earn me enough money that eventually I may learn more. Can DNA be the whole answer, or is there more to it? Oh hell, I may as well be searching for the meaning of life.”

Tanner comes over and takes me from Irina. He holds me close and just lets me lay my head against him my tears soaking his shirt as Irina rapidly rushes off to get a box of tissues before I stain Tan’s shirt with my make-up mixed with tears. He quickly returns with them so they may absorb my tears and then fresh tissues will allow me to let me blow my nose.

Tanner speaks over my head, “Kid, please don’t take me wrong when I say — you’re a girl in my book. After seeing your tears and hearing all you had to say and the way you said it. Well, not just the way you said it but your body English as you said it. You are as much a girl as any I have seen come through here and I’ve seen quite a few. If I ever say something heartless like I did earlier you have permission to slap me. Just do it a little softly though, okay? I’m kind of sensitive.”

That gets me to laughing while I’m crying and soon I begin choking but the tears become a thing of the past and I’m still being held and comforted by Tanner. How did I ever luck out enough to find these two? The phone rings and Irina answers it speaking for a minute before coming back to tell Tanner that it’s his sister on the phone.

“Hey little Sis, my big Sis wants me to talk with her. Will you be all right for a minute or two?”

I nod yes then he leads me over to the couch where I sit before he rushes off to his office to take the call. I can’t believe I came apart like that here at work. I’ve done it often enough when I’ve been alone but the only other time it happened was when I was at home with Mom and Dad several years ago. Things went from bad to worse when it happened. Now Irina and Tanner both are supportive and concerned and apparently want for me to find my answers just as much as I do.

After ten or fifteen minutes Tanner returns. I look expectantly at him but he says, “They really don’t have a lot of information yet. The scans won’t be back until early next week despite the rush. And the doctor who ordered them won’t have the blood work results until tomorrow so we probably won’t hear anything tomorrow. It looks like we are going to be left hanging through the weekend. Since tomorrow is a quiet day here at the studio, how about we go get your identification changed and get a start on your passport. Then we could go shopping for anything else you might need and come back and do the gown shoot tomorrow late afternoon. I’ll carry the camera while we are shopping so if you wind up trying something on which looks really good I’ll snap a few pics before you change. For lunch today, why don’t the three of us go out for a nice meal and just relax a bit. Tomorrow is another day.”

Irina looks at Tanner, “You’re buying AGAIN?”

“It sort of looks that way, doesn’t it?” he shrugs and smiles.

“Schatzi, I don’t know what you’ve done to him but he’s a changed man. Two meals in two days. I’m shocked.”

“You can pay for your own, if you want to.”

“Are you kidding? You offered, we accepted. End of story. Isn’t that right, Schatzi?”

I smile at Tanner in an impish sort of way then slip my arm around his about to let him lead me out toward the Beemer then remember I need my purse and rush off to grab it before returning and latching onto Tan’s arm again. Irina locks up quickly before setting the alarm then follows us moments later.

We ride to another nice restaurant, arriving long after the lunch bunch have departed and well before the dinner rush thought of occurring. We are shown to a table shortly after we arrive even though we have no reservation.

Tanner seats me and then he and Irina both sit down and he looks around, “This must be a first. No reservation and we seat within three minutes.”

I look around, “In case you haven’t noticed, only three of the tables are occupied. I think we made it in during a lull.”

“I’ve noticed more than that. I’ve noticed that over the past few days your choice of words and speech patterns has become more refined. That tells me you have a pretty good intellect as well as excellent verbal skills which you tend to hide as Mac but rely upon as Katrina. Not to be a pain in the ass but, I think I prefer Katrina.”

I’m not certain if he just complimented me or insulted me. I think about it and decide to accept it as a compliment since I am Katrina at the moment. My mental battle of the sexes is still going strong. Does God know who I am, and what happens if I make the wrong choice?

The waiter arrives to take our order and I ask for “an 8 ounce sirloin, medium well and a tossed salad with Italian. Water to drink.”

Tanner orders a large 14 ounce sirloin and Irina copies him, they both go for coffee as their beverage. Tanner then orders a glass of wine for each of us. After the waiter departs I whisper, “Tanner, I’m under 21. I can’t drink.”

“You look twenty one to me, Sis. You need to learn to sip just a little with your meal. In Europe the wine will be important to your health, so you’ll probably have a little with most of your meals... don’t trust the water and bring purification tablets.”

I must have looked shocked.

“What? You don’t have any purification tablets? Irina, remind me to lay in a supply for us to take with us.”

“Schatzi, he’s joking. Some places the water is not safe but there is always bottled available somewhere. It isn’t like thirty years ago after all.”

“You are playing on my naivety aren’t you? Just because I’ve never been to Europe. Do you like to frighten me?”

“I’m sorry, Sis; it’s a brother’s duty to give his little sister a hard time.”

“If I wanted a hard time, I would have walked nude through the streets during rush hour.”

“Now there’s a picture.”

“Don’t even think about it.”

I’m still trying to figure why Tanner has changed so much toward me these past couple of days. One minute he is trying to help and the next he is scratching at me as though I am a scab he needs to remove. Because of the time relationship, I know it must have something to do with me dressing as a girl but the question is... why?

After we finish supper we go back to the office so Irina may pick up his car and go home. Tanner drives us to his place and we go in then talk for a half hour before retiring to separate bedrooms. I make a point of placing a chair under the doorknob to slow entry to the room while I’m sleeping. Oh, I trust him... About as far as I can throw him even though he has always been square with me when I was Mac. As Katrina I am taking a few precautions because he seems to be acting a little different toward me. I’m pretty certain he doesn’t treat his models in the same manner as Emerson does his, but I’m not going to take a chance.

“... Katrina? HEY SIS! It’s time to wake up. Come to the door and show me you’re alive.”

My mind peels open an eye and I begin to look around vaguely aware someone is pounding on the door, “Go away, let me sleep.”

“Come on Sis, no such luck. It’s 6:00 and I need to be at the studio by 7:00 so we need to be out of here in forty minutes. This is the third time I’ve called you. What do you want for breakfast? There’s cereal and eggs and more cereal... milk.” Now he becomes more petulant, if guys can become petulant, “Come on Sis, prove to me you’re up and then I’ll leave you alone.”

I grumble my way over to the door stubbing my toe on the leg of the chair before moving it so I may open the door. I pull it open and stand there looking at Tanner with my eyes barely open. He takes one look at me and then bundles me down the hall to the bathroom and I’m still too asleep to complain. He starts the water in the shower and pushes me in, nightgown and all. Now I’m awake.

“Aughh... Why did you do that?”

“To bring you awake. We need to leave...” he checks his watch, “in about 35 minutes.”

“What’s the rush?”

“We’ve got a shoot at 8:00 and we need to get the equipment and drive to the location. Irina will meet us there.”

“So why can’t I sleep a little while and come in later?” It makes sense to me even though my nightgown is soaked and I’m standing in the shower now nearly awake.

“Katrina, come on. You have a location job and we can’t very well start without you. You aren’t becoming related to Bianca are you?”

“Are you... What? Me? A location shoot? Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?”

“Because I didn’t know yesterday. I just got the call for a one-shot about half an hour ago. You’re the only model I have available on such short notice and we may add this into your portfolio as well. I’m hoping for three or four others before we leave for Europe.”

“Okay, Why me? You have a lot of other girls.” I fail to note that I have included myself with the girls without thinking about it.

“Because this job is in response to YOUR port, a dozen of which I sent out to prospective clients. Get a move on we don’t have much time.”

He departs the bathroom closing the door behind him and I stand there a few seconds trying to decide exactly what just happened. Finally I realise I’m being drowned and shut off the shower then peel off my soaking nightgown. I’ll get him for this. Yawning, I snag a towel and pat myself dry after hanging my nightgown on the shower nozzle so it may drip dry while we are out. Fortunately my hair is down my back and I’ve been facing the shower faucet. I’m still nearly asleep.

Wrapping the towel around me I peek out the bathroom door and hear Tanner in the kitchen so I hurry down the hall to my room and quickly put on some things so if he comes to check on me I’ll at least be partially dressed. If I’d known this was going to happen I wouldn’t have spent until nearly midnight reading. I usually go to sleep about nine when I know I need to be up before the sun. After all, a girl’s got to get her beauty sleep... What did I just think? A girl? I question this for a minute before I decide I think it’s a good sign because it means I’m beginning to wake up enough to question my gender again.

I manage to stumble out of the bedroom in time to have a couple of eggs and one slice of toast despite trying to put my shoes on the wrong feet and then deciding the shoes didn’t match the clothing and going to change them anyway.

Tanner bundles me into his Beemer and we are off for the office. Not bad. We’re leaving twenty minutes later than he wanted but he can make up some of that time at the studio when we pick up the RV. Most of his equipment for location shooting is already in it.

“Do you think I could have a cup of coffee before we head out? I need something to bring me awake and the cup I had at your place isn’t enough.”

“We’ll stop on the way and get you a latte.”

“Thank you.”

Tanner glances over at me and smiles before turning back to watch the road again, “You’re welcome. Keep that attitude and you’re going to have the clients begging for you to do their modeling.”

I’m too sleepy to rise to the bait and just remain silent. Soon we are at the studio and he hits the code on his remote, opening the large roll-up door then drives his Beemer into it’s parking spot. I’m getting out of the car before he comes around and when he sees I’m helping myself he goes ahead to the RV unlocking it and beginning to check the equipment before unplugging the RV from the wall socket.

He has quite an arrangement in the RV. All the equipment has specific places it stows and once in it’s spot it is plugged into a power strip which is powered off of an invertor which is connected to the second battery so he won’t discharge the one that starts the RV. Both batteries charge from the vehicle’s charging system when it’s running. When it’s parked here, he may plug it in thus maintaining the second battery’s charge while still charging the packs which run his lights and strobes and cameras. His laptop also is powered from this arrangement as well as it’s own internal battery. He has two of those just in case. Needless to say we seldom arrive anywhere to do a location shoot with dead batteries on our hands. Then again, a lot of location shoots have power so batteries aren’t usually a big problem.

This shoot is down at the ‘Grant’, Tanner told me that much. I still don’t have runway training so I hope it isn’t anything like that. I’m doing all I can just to pull off ‘static’ shots. Besides, a runway would mean an audience. An audience is comprised of people... lots of very critical people and a bad modeling job would mean poor sales. I’m not ready for that sort of pressure. I’m doing the best I can just to be accepted looking as I do with only a dozen or so around. Several hundred would frighten me to death if not get me killed the moment just one of them figured it out. IT meaning ME.

He is happy with the equipment and we lug several of his camera cases over to the RV loading them on board. Next are the three large tripods and the synchronizing computer. That’s the first indication I’ve had that this will be a complex shoot. The computer’s sole job is to assure no two cameras fire at exactly the same time so the strobes won’t provide conflicting lighting and ruin one of the shots. After that stuff is inside the RV he heads for his office and brings out a second laptop. I know this shoot is important if he is going to download the photos to two laptops. He isn’t doing much to help build my confidence.

“Uh, Tanner? Just what is this shoot? I don’t think I’ve seen you take all this stuff except once before.”

“No big thing, Sis. The problem is we have a very narrow shooting window so I’ve got to pull out all the stops and grab every shot I can as fast as possible. We won’t have the opportunity to do it again therefore, four cameras, two computers and the synchronizer. Just try not to look directly at any of the strobes because once they begin flashing they are going to be going a mile a minute for a while. I figure there will be eight or nine hundred photos taken before we finish the session but that will be weeded down to less than a hundred in pretty short order once we get back to the studio. No biggie,” he repeats again.

Easy for you to say.

(Chap 6 of 28)
to be continued