Bridges 11

Chapter 11

Sam-

Morning light seems to almost drift in through my windows. It’s so…I’m not sure there’s words for this right now but I’ve been watching the little dust motes in the sunshine for about ten minutes now as they drift in the sunlight. I’m so not used to any of this. That oh..so..stretched feeling deep inside. My breasts tingling and more aware that they’re breasts than in awhile…after awhile it’s just parts of you a vital part if your like me but this morning they’re more there.
I feel Brandon’s are slide around me and kind of pull my into spooning with him. I’m not used to this. I’m really not used to feeling happy. I’m really not used to feeling content.
I can’t help but get this teary smile as my feelings from last night kind of drift back into my mind, not just having the best, most woman real sex of my life but those feelings, and the way it rocked through me in a way I’ve always wanted, I knew, knew that was who I really was.
Yeah now there’s a couple of really happy tears leaking out now. It feels so perfect to feel his hand and his arm. I love those scars and stuff from how hard he’s worked, the muscle there, the power and the strength there, I love the fact he’s so much bigger than me as he holds me.
I love the fact he’s pressed against me and there’s this wall of muscular man there. I feel small and delicate and really amazingly girly.
Brandon’s head rises up and slips over my bare shoulder with this erotic or at least to me velvety brush of his whiskers. He kisses the side of my neck and he does it slowly and repeatedly going from my collar bone to my earlobes giving me good girly shivers. He suckles on my earlobe. His hand comes alive and runs it over my tummy and then up my chest he does these erotic little circles with those really perfect manly hands around my breasts he cups them letting them feel the heat of his hand sink into them creating this soothing ache in them. Then the occasional squeeze, plays with the nipples. I can feel his hard on as my nipples turn into aching little diamonds.

I roll over to look at him and he gives me this look. It’s so honest and real what I’m seeing there in his eyes. It makes me feel so special, it makes me feel like I’m actually beautiful. “Morning Angel.” He says with this quiet beauty in his voice…I’m kind of just…stunned, too caught in the moment to do much more than give me a shy smile and leak out a few really happy tears. He’s not wearing his glasses and his eyes are this beautiful green, and his long hair’s a mess but a sexy mess and the sunshine’s catching the features of him in this amazing way. Brandon’s not a pretty boy, I wouldn’t like one of those I don’t think but right now he’s beautiful.

He kisses me, and it’s this lover’s kiss. It’s slow and sweet yet there’s this slow burn of love and desire beneath the surface. He breaks the kiss, then kisses me again, then again and again…his hands roaming over me. It doesn’t take too long before I’m aching and wanting him. I love feeling this. I’ve felt trapped and asexual for way too long. I’m feeling wanton and very, very much like the woman that I really am. He makes love to me. In the morning and in the swirl of sheets and he’s slow and deliberate and he’s wonderful. There’s this point in the middle of it when my legs are wrapped around him and I’m pulling him into me as much as he’s thrusting into my body and there’s that jiggle of impact making my girls bounce and shimmy and his hands are busy and his mouth is busy and the feeling of being a woman, really feeling like one possesses me and my birth defect is really just that just…it just doesn’t matter.

Despite all the people I have been with it’s never been like this. I’ve never been treated like this from anyone as a person, then as a woman. I’ve never made love in the morning sunlight before. I feel like the sunlight is settling into my soul as Brandon takes me to several very womanly orgasms…

I could get into more details, oh I could really get into much more detail of just how amazing it was…Maybe some other time. I want to keep this or most of this sacred to me. That morning was mine, one of my most treasured moments.

Brandon snuggles in deeply with me for I’m not sure how long after because I fell asleep or mostly asleep in this sated, boneless yet sore in the best way doze.

The whole thing brought these weird thoughts though into my head. I actually liked feeling Brandon’s seed leaking out of me. The ache of the sex…the love making, the sore almost bruises where his strong hands gripped my hips, the fact my nipples were sore from all the attention. The smell of sex and us and him in the sheets.

The sound of him using the bathroom. I sit, and that sound. I know there’s people who are going Ughh but that and the sound of that and the tap, tap, tap of a razor being rinsed in the sink hasn’t been in this house since my dad died. It was the sound of a man in the house and it felt and sounded right.

Brandon showed up back in the room and kissed me awake. I smelled food. He made me breakfast in bed. This is another first for me. It’s nothing big and fancy just toast and OJ with the best and fluffiest scrambled eggs I’ve ever had. I don’t care for them after being in the forces, you get to eat a lot of them at morning chow. But these were something else. There was my daily yogurt and my morning coffee and he even brought me the paper. He came back a few minutes later with his food and we ate and drank coffee and read the paper together…another first. My head is nearly…my head is swimming in all of this. We actually don’t talk much, he crosswords in pen but we did that together. We do it all leisurely. It’s about 10:30 or so before he kisses me and gets up.
“I’ve got stuff to do or rather being done and I really should be there.”
“Mmm, yeah you should, last night…”
“Last night was nice Sam, better than nice…I could say a bunch of stuff that just wouldn’t do it justice but. Thank you Beautiful is all I’ve got.”
“Brandon, I feel like I should be thanking you…”
“You’re welcome.” He gives me that little only Brandon half smile as he cuts me off.
I hit him with the news paper. ”Jackass.”
“Ill see you later Sam?”
“Uhm, Yeah I’ll be over.”
“I’ll be looking forward to it.”
He left with that smile of his. I can’t help but watch him as he leaves, nice butt, broad back, big arms and he moves with a lot more grace than most guys do as big as he is.
Sigh.

***
I’ll leave the clean up after sex to your imaginations but I wash my bedding and a few other things and hand them out on my clothesline. I love the smell that gives them. And where I live it’s still pristine enough that I can breathe fresh forest, country and mountain air. On a good day there’s even hints of the sea in there.

I soak after in a nice long hot bath and really just relax I even turned the radio on to CBC Radio One and enjoying the classical music they play on it that’s mixed in with contemporary stuff from blues and jazz and stuff. I don’t know anything about this kind of music but I’m in the mood for something like this and I think I’m actually starting to like this Dianna Crall/Krall? I like the smokiness in the tones of her voice.

“Treat me sweet and gentle.”
“When you hold me tight.”
“Just…Squeeze me.”
“But please don’t tease…me.”

“I get senti..mental…”
“When you hold me tight.”
“Come and squeeze me.
“But please don’t tease… me.”

It plays through my head even after it’s long since gone to some other track but I liked it so I’m still singing it to myself as I lotion up and get all fresh. I’m going to be helping out so I throw on a bit extra Secret and do both the spray and the underarm. If I’m going to get sweaty with the guys then I’m still going to be the girl, I’m still going to smell like one at least.

I dress actually in some old jeans and a beat up old scrub top and a plaid shirt over that and pony tail my hair and pull it through the back of my ball cap. I head over and get the rental car and all my things that have been over at Brandon’s since last night. It takes me a bit to just get the stuff into my house and Chuck had stored all the perishables in the fridges they’ve been using out in the garage. I thank him with a kiss on the cheek and do take the time to put away my groceries. The rest of my stuff I leave on the couch and the floor around it. I’ll put that away later tonight.

I get over there and look around for Brandon and he’s up in the rafter’s inside the house. I watch as he moves around up there moving like this big cat. “Hey! What can I do to help!”
I have to yell to be heard over the other stuff going on. Brandon yells something and gestures me up. I go up the ladder a little uneasy and nervous at first. I’m not afraid of heights I used to go in choppers all the time but this isn’t something I’ve done before so I’m…careful.

It’s a heck of a lot of hard work and it’s fun too. I’ve never been a handy-girl so learning this stuff is new and kind of exciting. Like using a bunch of different power tools. Brandon tends to have things screwed in rather than nailed so there’s a bit of crew humor there. He’s got me using a drill to sink screws into stud wood and to put in these cross boards that then drywall will get screwed to. I get to see the heating and electrical guys and the insulation guys all doing their things. Brandon’s right to hire the guys who do each thing for a living. It’s so professional looking and everything and he explains stuff to me. Like using this treated lumber that’s rot and mold resistant but environmentally safe. The spray foam insulation stuff, the guys putting in the solar in on the roof. It’s going to cost a lot of cash but the house will have this really next to nothing as a carbon footprint?

Okay, it’s a lot over my head but he’s really in his element here and he shows me things.
Teaches me things and lets me do stuff and he doesn’t hover. Once he knows I can do it he leaves me to do it and goes to finish something else or talk to the guys and everything. Me I’m loving it. I’m being treated like I said before, like a real girl who’s just one of the guys. I’m sweaty and dirty, covered in bits of sawdust and sanding dust from wood yet I still get looks from Brandon and most of the men there like I’m pretty and yet aside from some nice guy manners they treat me like I’m just…God I feel so normal. Normal for me is something sadly lacking and it’s such a good feeling.

I well we put in about seven hours of the work in the house and by the time I’m done there is actually a floor to stand on upstairs, there’s drywall up and the mud’s being put up on the walls to dry and stuff overnight, even the plumbing is in. I’m happy and grinning and filthy but wow. We got a lot done. There’s like forty of us all told with a good quarter of us being me and Brandon and the guys but still.

We finish up and the furnace is going we tape up the places to keep out the moisture and stuff and head out to the big barn for a full crew supper. There were even spouses and SO’s that showed up…as nervous as I am at first, I don’t get “made” or if I did it was never mentioned. I was treated just like everyone else and with them like one of the girls.

Chuck is amazing as usual making food for so many would have sent me screaming into the hills but Chuck is a professional chef and did this all with ease. A beef stew with braised short ribs and wild mushrooms that the two boy’s of Eli’s had gone into the woods and hills outside on Brandon’s property. There’s wine in it I think and herbs along with baby carrots and fingerling potatoes and onions, garlic, celery, and something called leaks? It’s really, really good with these fresh baked bread rolls.

It’s a real feeling and sense of community as we all gather together and eat and talk about the day and have a few drinks, laugh, joke. Some leave, some stay with pitched tents and after about an hour the instruments come out.

The guys play and I get up after a few pulled up to dance. I’m not good at this. I’ve never really had the chance to just move with the music and “shake it” I’m not all left feet or anything but the GG’s seem to grow up at least doing this some of their lives. I’m really self conscious and kind of flubbing it when Brandon comes to my rescue and slips down to where I’m at and begins to dance with me, hands guiding my hips, easing the way I move and I’m so getting the link between sex and dancing.

I love dancing. The more I dance, the more I like dancing, moving the way I should be, moving the way I always should’ve been. A few songs later and we’re slow dancing.

Then there’s this moment, this…It was like this PTSD flashback and I’m not dancing with Brandon anymore. I’m in a really pretty dress, it’s white with blue flowers and I’m dancing with my dad? I’m little, like six or seven and we’re in our living room and I’m dancing with my feet ontop of his…It’s the same song as what’s playing now. “Sunshine.” by Nazareth.

The song ends and I snap out of it and Brandon takes my face and gently kisses me.
“Sam…? What’s wrong your crying?”
“I…I..I don’t know…?”
“It’s okay, what ever it is It’s okay?”
He kisses me and I can’t help but start crying, I don’t really know why I’m crying but the tears and the sobs just won’t stop.
I don’t…
I don’t remember that!
Why?, was it even real, was it some memory or some flashback, or a hallucination?
“It’s not okay!, Why? Why didn’t they tell me?”
“Who, tell you what?”
“That…that..when I was little…I…I used to be daddy’s little girl!” I break into sobs and run out of there home.

I threw myself down on the bed and bawled, I’m not sure how long bawling, then just curling up around my pillow. Brandon’s let himself in and crawls onto the bed and spoons with me. He tries to sooth me, strokes my skin and my hair, he kisses the back of my head. And I drift off to sleep.

***
I’m seven, and We’re livin in Regina because momma’s a Policeman…oops Police lady.
I wanna be just like my mum.
I gotta be.
Even though my innie’s an outtie an I hate it.
I tole Momma and Daddy that god got it wrong. That I’m not a boy. It was hard to tell them that, My Daddy loved my bein his little boy.
I don really get it but Daddy said he loved his little girl too.
I had an Aunt that we don gots no more? Daddy had a sis?
Him and Momma said it’s okay that I’m just me?
I’m a girl, even if I’s gots an outtie.

***
I thought I liked church.
I though that I liked God.
They said that god loves me?
I thought that was awesome…
Then father…Pastor…Lucas…
He took me into the rectory.
“I know about you Sammy. I know what you are.”
“I’m girl?”
He started laughing, I didn’t understand so I guess I laughed too.
He hugged me.
“God loves you Sammy, and so do I.”
“You do?”
“Yes…” I can smell whiskey on him. His hands are up my dress now…
“P..Pastor Lucas what are you doing.”
“Showing you Gods love.’
“But…But…”
He shoved a finger into me…I cried out.
“Shut up!, shut up you perverted little freak, or I’ll tell God that you’ve been a bad little pervert and he’ll punish you! Jesus will make sure that bad things will happen to your Mother and Father because you were evil…and sinful!”
He’s yelling at me and shaking me and spittle is getting on me…I just start whimpering.
He does stuff with his finger in me.
He shoots stuff from his thing…his outtie and makes me…
He’s big again and…
He put’s his thing into me and I wanna scream!
But he’ll, he said…
Pastor Lucas says as he’s in me hurting me.
“It’s gods will Sammy, this is what happens to pervert little boys who think their girls.”

***
I wake screaming and then someone, something grabs a hold of me. My room vanishes from my eyes and I’m out there in the sand it the tent’s again and I’m being attacked! I keep using my self defense training.
Hitting, Biting, kicking and throwing my attacker twice…he’s a…he’s a shadow and I’m fighting for my life…Then there was this...I got a gun…It looks Like moms service revolver?
We fight, we wrestle with the gun and somehow I get ontop and I pull the trigger aiming at the bastards head.
Somewhere…
I hear Brandon yelling Sam!