The Working Girl Blog #18: I'm bored

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Roberta J Cabot

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The Working Girl Blog #18:
I'm bored, or
I'm bored, bored bored.... I'm BORED! ... borrrred...

To see all of Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs

Got nothin' to write about again. As in totally nothing...

I'm not kidding. I really got nothing to write about today, coz I didn't do anything at the office today.

I think I mentioned before that my group was waiting for something important from the client's - a disk drive full of data that could short-circuit our test data buildup. Well, it arrived and the two data gathering teams (one of them my own team), started poring over the data right away. Problem was, both conference rooms were in use so we didn't have a place to work on it together as a group. I told them to use my little room and got one of them to borrow a projector and connect it to the desktop PC they assigned me, and project the screen on the back wall. My machine was one of the computers in the office authorized to have unsecured USBs. So they could plug the drive in directly. And when we started going through the material, I tried to help, but clearly these guys were so much faster than me. So I left them to it (at least one less person would make the room less crowded) and chatted with the others for a while. But I got the feeling I was bothering them, so I took myself and my boredom, got my little Lenovo netbook from my pack and went to the cafeteria. The cafeteria was somewhat full of people but I didn't know any of them (I guess I'm still not easy with making friends), so I got a hot chocolate and went to the roofdeck, which I heard from the guys in my team was a cool place to hang out.

Though it was a bit windy and cold, I found it pleasant to sit on a ledge, and be all alone with my hot chocolate, netbook and the sunshine. And with my greatcoat nice n snug n warm (a two-year-old knockoff Gucci, but no one would know heehee), it was actually nice to be here.

I felt a little unneeded right now, somewhat like a fifth wheel, and felt lonely. Not very - just a little bit. And I rarely hung out in the cafeteria because I didn't know many people here yet, and knowing me, chances are I wouldn't make too many friends for a while. I always felt like an outcast, though after transition, that changed a bit as I felt more at ease and more like myself inside my skin, but I still felt a bit of an outsider, and still slow to make friends. Oh, it's loads better here in my new job than in my old one. But I am still alone.

The mechanisms that one develops to connect with people, to make friends, etc. are fundamentally the same whether you are a girl or a guy. And if you didn't develop the skills then, it'll affect you still, even if you've transitioned already. Someone will probably say, well, of course! I guess I pinned too many expectations on my transitioning, and was just being naive about it.

And it's so easy to blame the world and your condition, and for your difficulty in connecting to others, and say, "The reason is because I was born differently or wrongly," or "no one understood me and didn't give me a chance." It is oddly comforting to blame others, coz it absolves you of responsibility for your woes - "it's not my fault!" et cetera. But that way lies failure - the failure inherent to those who won't even try. Someone once said to me to quit making myself out as the victim. Of course, it was said to me in a totally different context. But it applies here. Move forward and quit looking at the why's.

Somone, another Bobby (Kennedy, that is) once said, "there are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?" This Bobbie is ready, and hopefully has enough courage to dream.

You know that quote from that poet John Dunne? "No man is an island?" A more complete quote would read "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." Maybe it's time to go visit the mainland. Better start charting my course.

Talk to you guys later.

To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot

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Comments

Bored maybe

But never boring! Your observations on connection-skills seemed dead on. Reminded me of Melissa Tawn's disturbing story Fortysomething:
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/4858/fortysomething , though your blog ends on a more hopeful (also practical) note.
Like the man said, you've got lotsa friends here, even if we're just words on your computer screen,
lives you touch here, folks who you influence for the better. I'm one of them :)
I think you're better at this being human stuff than you might realize.
Better than me, communing mostly with these dust bunnies
under this bed I hide beneath most of the time...
~~~hugs, Laika

.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QljYFD06H2I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgMI0BObEXI

.
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.

Nothing to write about?

But you still managed to find over 700 words! :)

Hopefully over time you'll be able to connect with people outside your team and not feel so much of an outcast amongst others in the company. You've already taken the first step towards learning how to do this by analysing and evaluating your social interactions throughout the day, so you're building up a theory of how others act in certain situations. The next stage, of course, is building up the confidence to put the theory into practice... :)

Oh, and needless to say, I enjoy reading your little vignettes / insights into life at your new company. Keep up the good work! (Both here and there).

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...

As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!

Mittfh beat me to it.

For nothing to say, you sure said a lot.

Maybe some people do not like your blogs, but I find them very interesting, as you work out things in your life and your new job.

Itâ€™s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets weâ€™ll have,
David Weber â€“ In Fury Born

Holly

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

Holly

thanks!

Thanks, Holly, Mittfh n Laika.

But, I didn't really talk about much - I went up to the roof and surfed the net... and that's it. Pretty boring, isn't it?

To see the rest of Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs
To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot

Not a lot?

I beg to differ. (Okay, I am different, too...)

You said quite a lot. You recognized how easy it is to feel "superfluous" as a manager when the team starts really working. It's much worse when you've come from a technical background, too. (Been there, done that.) It hits us even when we stay on the technical side... I've designed things, but have missed out on the opportunity to do any significant Java coding, sooo if they get really deep and dirty, I'm left high and dry. *sighs*

Sounds good that you had somewhere you could go and "chill" (literally, to some extent).

Making friends... That IS a challenge, isn't it. *sighs* I can "Talk" to almost anyone, any time... And, get to know people. (People tell me that they feel I'm trustworthy, and they can talk to me. Wish I knew why.) But, to actually become a close friend? THAT is very hard. I like to think it's because I feel I'm almost always "hiding" a part of myself, but as you indicate, that's not necessarily the case. *sighs* Thanks for making me think about that. (Besides my wife, there's only two other people I've really had heart-to-heart talks with where I've not held anything back. Yeah, in over 50 years, that's not many, and I found both of them in the past two years!)

From the way you write here, I'm guessing you'll gradually make friends at the office. But, once you're out of the trenches, some organizations make it more difficult. (i.e. managerial track doesn't encourage close relationships, as the few managers are competing for fewer and fewer positions as they climb the ladder. Not true of all, I admit, and I hope yours doesn't have such an environment. You can, at least, be friendly! I have trouble believing that, while you may be shy in non-professional settings, you are not just as friendly in person as you are in these notes.

Thank you for sharing. As I've said many times before, I've found them very helpful.

Thanks,
Ann

P.S. If you'd rather I not reply/blog back like I've been, pleas let me know.

One girl's boredom?

Moving forward works for me, Bobbie. Thanks for this word of encouragement. Belle

Well you've inspired me

That was a moving ending, and a good pick-me-up for today. I have often felt like an outsider, not able to open up to others for the same reasons. I took the chance and opened up to a few women at work over the past couple of years and was rewarded with wonderful friendships that grew stronger over time. Friendships can grow stronger when you don't have to hide your soul. But yesterday one friend accepted a job at another of our division's locations 10 miles away and another has applied for jobs outside the division. Thanks for the inspiration, Bobbie. I'll have to find the courage to dream again and start anew.

: ) Alison

you guys

You guys...

I'm glad that you guys like the blogs. Appreciate it a lot. Can't even tell you how much I appreciate it.

I am amazed, though, that people are inspired by words coming from a person like me. ;)

But, sincerely - thank you.

Girls vs Guys connecting.

I don't agree with you that We connect the same way that guys do. I worked with construction types for over 30 years and while I got along, there was this rigid um Guy code. I could do it but I hated it. Guys are so damned competitive and childish too. It's always gotta be about whose dick is longer, truck better, Deer Trophy finer, and if one of them thinks he should be the leader ... don't get me started.

I mainly work with Women in the office, or see them at the Masjid. It's pretty easy to talk about how nice one's blouse is, or how cute her shoes are, or about the great deals at Macy's. Or if you run into a woman on the elevator with her baby in the stroller, just one little complement will get you going for a half hour.

Please, you got this nice little job, and use it to establish relationships.

I get the feeling that you are quite a woman. Don't let the guys run you out of your own office. Besides as the Boss, you are the direction setter, the cheer leader, the keeper on track person. You have a right to be there.

Much Peace

Khadijah Gwen

Well...

Well, Gwen - I suppose there are guys who are like you describe. But not all of them are like that. In my experience, there is a substantial number of good guys out there, too. But then again, there are also women who are bitchy to the extreme, and by the same token there are also lots who are ok. I doubt if one gender can lay claim to any moral ascendancy.

I am not talking about guy codes or anything of the sort. I guess, what I meant by "mechanisms" are things like the confidence to break the ice and initiate conversations, or be secure enough in yourself to be able to give your own opinions, or have the emotional smarts to be friendly, or have the emotional fortitude to be able to take criticisms, the savvy to be able to joke without offending, and the courage not to give in to shyness.

Also, Gwen, about my office - I was the one who offered the room. They didn't really "run me out" of the office - I offered it so that they can have a place they can work. I actually could have stayed if I wanted, too. It was just that, in my judgement, I wasn't helping so I stood out of the way. My people are good people. Just as an FYI - there were two teams working on the data - my team, which was made up of me and three guys, and the other team, which was made up of four girls. So when I left them, there were three guys and four girls there. The term "guys," at least in the context of the above post, was a generic term and not specific to gender, which is typical in normal everyday American conversation.

I think I did good, and I ain't gonna make this particular blog-post out as a gender turf thing. Such gender boundaries and gender-wars were part of the reason that made me decide to go on this path in the first place. For me, it's not that women are better than men. For me, it's about me being better as a woman than as a man.

Actually, this blog was just about me talking about another boring day, and not a guys vs girls post.

Guess it's just a bit too early for me, and you're not catching me at my best. I apologize.

K. 'nuff of that. It's a little early, but since I'm up already, I'm gonna take a shower and get started on the day.

Seeya later.

A good supervisor

knows when to just let the team do their work and not interupt. In my department we have a few supervisors who have to be in on every decision. They are controlling and hard to work with. Thankfully I'm now assigned to a supervisor that figures out what each team member is capable of and challenges them to go one better. IMHO, the best team leaders aren't the ones who get the job the done, they are the ones who know how to motivate the team to get it done. The outcome is usually better due to the varied experiences of the team and the team members are engaged and feel valued. So it sounds like leaving them to their work was probably exactly the right thing to do.

~Alison