The Working Girl Blog #35: No jogging today, or I'm a pink warrior! To see all of Bobbie's "Working Girl" blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs

I had skipped my regular jog the last couple of weekends, and I decided not to jog today as well. There was a charity race happening, called the Komen Race For the Cure, and I had told my would-be running buddies that, because of it, I decided to forgo this week's jog since the streets would be full of "real joggers" and the traffic would be heavier than usual due to the rerouting.

Well, that wasn't completely the truth, since the run was on Constitution Avenue - maybe fifteen to twenty blocks away from my place. But any excuse so I can skip my exercise, right? Heehee.

Yesterday, I had told the girls this, and they said we should join. The Komen Foundation (they had actually changed their name, but they were still known best as the Komen Foundation) was one of the largest anti- breast cancer foundations, and its annual run was fairly popular in these parts. It was for a good cause AND we'd get to wear cute, pink t-shirts and we get to call ourselves "Pink Warriors." A 5K run was pretty grueling, especially for us weekend runners, but three of my five on-and-off running buddies agreed to try, and said, even if we don't finish, it was still for a good cause, it didn't cost much, and we get to bring home nice pink t-shirts. LOL

When she visited our work area, my boss heard us scheming, and she said that she'd be there, as well. She and her husband were sponsors, and though she wouldn't be running, she and her husband would be on the sidelines handing out t-shirts, or giving the runners water et cetera.

In the end, it was decided that the girls would be running in the race and I would be with my boss, helping out as part of the volunteer crew. My girls gave me commiserating nods, and said they understood. (There was another run next week, but we decided that this would be the one we'd join)

In actuality, I didn't really want to run. I had tried to puzzle out why, and, as neurotic as it was, I realized that the reason I didn't want to run was because I would feel like a fake or an impostor.

If ever there was a cause that women should champion, it would be this. And, perhaps, because of this, I felt I wasn't worthy. Yes, yes, I know - no real reason for it, but that's how I felt. I had looked at my modest, hormone-created babies in the mirror last night, and I felt like a fake. Who was I to have an opinion about breast cancer? For most others who have transitioned, they revel in their new feminine physicality, but, as my therapist has explained, there are a few that, despite their desperate need to live as, and be acknowledged as, women, they still felt that what was achievable through surgery and chemicals wasn't real.

I have come to realize I am one of these unfortunates, and I will constantly battle these feelings of pretending, or of being a fake, until I come to trul accept and understand who and what I was now. Anyway.... whatever it was, it just meant that I didn't want to run.

So this excuse - of needing to go with the boss - was convenient, 'coz this meant that I wouldn't need to explain why I really wasn't running.

So. I was there earlier than the scheduled 8AM run, and quit surfing and stowed my netbook in Cricket and locked her up when they asked all the volunteers to ingather at around 7-7:30.

I had a lot of fun, and got to come out of my shell a little bit in order to talk to the runners and the other volunteers. I was also tickled... ummm... pink, when some of the guys (and a few of the girls, but in that girl-friend way) said I looked cute in my Pink Warrior t-shirt. Some apparently thought I was a kid, but I was used to that and didn't feel too bad about it - usually, something like that would make me feel down, but I guess the fun and excitement sort of washed those bad feelings away.

My jogging buddies finished the run, but they were totally wiped. They hung around a bit and rested while they waited for me to wrap up my volunteering so I could drive them home.

So, here I am at a McDonald's in my pink t-shirt, having a bite and writing this blog. I've decided to veg out in the apartment for the rest of the day so I called my therapist to cancel and, as usual, I had to explain why. I'm sure she'll be calling my home phone later to confirm I was there. That's okay - I was used to that.

She said she was glad that I enjoyed myself, and that she'd catch me next week.

It was an okay day today. Maybe later I'll see if my best friend was free, and see if we can go and have dinner out.

Bobbie-the-pink-warrior, out!

   

To see ALL of Bobbie's blogposts, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot