So, Here I Am
by Hilltopper

CHAPTER 7

High School Daze

On the next day after the date with Linda, I was still feeling miserable. I did not know if I could face her tomorrow at school. I could feel myself withdrawing. Maybe it would be better if I just kept to myself. It was obvious to me that I could not date. There were just no feelings and I was too shy. I wondered if maybe I really was a girl inside; even possibly physically. But I had no feelings for boys either. It looked to me like I would have to remain alone, at least until puberty hit. Which brings up another point, where was puberty? I guessed that I would just have to be patient. Until then, I would concentrate on school work.

I had recently discovered science. My biology teacher had really inspired me. I started reading various science books in the library. Biology, chemistry, and astronomy were especially interesting to me. This passion helped take my mind off my social problems. I talked my dad into getting me a large chemistry set. I spent many hours in our basement doing experiments. I quickly learned that I could run my sister out by burning sulfur. It smelled like rotten eggs.

Linda and I stayed away from each other. I often wondered what she thought of me. I figured that I was better off not knowing. I went back to not talking to anybody. At the end of my freshman year, Linda moved away. I had very mixed emotions. She was the only girl I had any thoughts of but looking at her was very painful. It reminded me of how inadequate I was socially. The strange thing was that people seemed to like me. I just could not bring myself to interact. I lie awake in bed at night listening to WLS radio and pondered. The songs comforted me as long as I did not listen to the words. If I did that, I became very depressed.

By this time, I could not fit into any clothes of my mother or sister. They were both under 5 feet tall and I was 6 feet. The one exception came during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. My sister had started taking ballet lessons. She did not have a very big closet and I had an extra one. Therefore, she kept all of her ballet clothes in that closet. Even tough I was much taller than her, I was very skinny. Her tutu would stretch to fit me. I tried it on several times until one fateful day. My sister had gone out with my parents, so I wore it all afternoon. I dreamed of really being a girl and taking ballet. It was heaven. I, of course, had changed before Sara got home. When she did, she came up the steps and looked into my room at me.

“So, did you enjoy wearing my tutu?”

“What!?”

She pointed at my shirt. I looked down. The tutu had sequins all over it and some had come off onto my shirt. I did not know any thing to say. Sara just smiled and went into her room. I wondered what else she knew. I never wore the ballet clothes any more and Sara never again mentioned the incident.

During the first week of my sophomore year, all of us had to take an IQ test in homeroom. About two weeks later, the results were given out by our counselor. My homeroom teacher, however, told the whole class that someone had scored and IQ of 137 which was exceptional. Fortunately, he did not give out the student’s name. This was not something a boy at this time wanted to be known for. Some people looked at me, but I just looked around like I was wondering who it might be. It was, of course, me that had scored 137. Even though I was very proud of it, I could not let it be known. That would start teasing I did not need. I do not think anyone found out for sure who it was.

I mostly just studied and read during my sophomore year. I did not date or go out anywhere. A couple of times, I was talked into going to parties. I positioned myself against a wall, waited a bit, and then sneaked out without talking to anyone. I had no real friends and was very much alone. By the end of the school year, puberty still had not happened. I was as skinny and awkward as ever and had no sexual stirrings at all. My voice had deepened a little so maybe something was happening. I had not grown any since 8th grade.

I had turned 16 before summer, so it was time to get a drivers license. I took a summer class in driver’s education at high school. We used a push-button Dodge. In the center of the steering wheel were buttons that one pushed to put the car into gear. It was a strange vehicle to use for student driving. Maybe they got a good deal on it or something. Who knows! After finishing the class, I took my driving test. In Indiana, the testing was done by civilians instead of state trooper as it is in most states. I drove around two blocks and pulled over to the curb. The man said ‘you pass’ and that was all there was to it. Wow!

My junior year started with a new band director. He decided to test each band member. Since I was near the last chair in the clarinet section, I did not pay much attention. When my turn came, I played everything he gave well and had good tone. He was very surprised and said that he wanted to give me lessons twice a week after school. I was not sure whether to be pleased or not. I really was only in band to get out of P.E. After several lessons, he moved me to 4th chair and started teaching me to play the saxophone. He had this idea of staring a small dance band to play around the community. I had to join the musician’s union in order to play in the band. The group was called ‘The Variations’. It was the most fun that I had enjoyed so far in high school. After we had played through the winter, the director told us that as a reward, we were to be taken to the 1964 New York Worlds Fair. I was ecstatic. This was a dream come true. I rushed home to tell my parents only to be blind sided again. My dad told me that we were moving back down south in April, therefore, I could not go. I was devastated. This could not be happening again. Did my parents not care about me? Didn’t they know how much this means to me? I went to my room and just cried. It seemed that every time something good happened to me, fate would strike me down again.

We packed up and moved out, heading back south. My parents told me that something might be worked out for me to go on the band trip. The director had agreed to me accompanying them to New York. But I knew deep down that it would not come to pass. I was, of course, right. Anyway, I did not mind the move too much; it was the band that I would miss. I never thought that I would ever say that. My new school was behind where I was academically. I was placed into two senior classes, physics and chemistry. This did not go down too well. It looked like I would be labeled a brain again. Thankfully, there was only one month left until summer recess.

When school let out, I got a big surprise. There was a nice golf course down the road from our new house and my dad had bought a family season pass. This meant that I could play as much golf as I wanted all summer. I did just that. I was on the course everyday. I even met two boys that were a year behind me in school, Ted and Larry. We hit it off pretty well and played a lot together. It did the job of keeping my mind off my real problem at least for a short while.

The senior year in high school is supposed to be the time that you are a king (or queen). This was not the case for me. I did not know any body in my class and kept mostly to myself. I did not date and did not go to prom or any other event. I was 6 feet tall and weighed 125 pounds. I had no beard, no body hair, no Adam’s apple, and very little muscle. I still looked like a smooth stick. I knew something wasn’t right about me besides my feeling of being a girl. My body seemed to think the same thing.

I was taking advanced biology this year since I was in the college prep level. The teacher had received a national biology achievement test that she wanted everyone to take. She said that she would take it as well. So, all of us took the test. The next week, she announced a big surprise. She did not get the highest score. Someone had scored considerably higher than she had. That someone was me. She, of course, told the whole class. I about fell out of my chair. Gees!

I found out that the student that had the highest grade point average would be valedictorian at graduation. The one with the second highest would be salutatorian. Both would be required to give speeches at the graduation ceremony. Since I had the highest average, I knew that I was in trouble. I did the only thing I could think of. I threw the grade in English. That’s right; I purposely got a B so that my rank dropped to third place. I know this sounds pretty stupid but I did it none the less. I graduated and accepted my diploma, glad to be rid of high school.