I am on the chat site quite often, and last night I was chatting with a fellow author here, Arwen, and promised I would re-read her stuff.

Its really quite good, and if you havent read any, you should give it a try.

Here is a link:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19524/arwens-tears

I am facing the loss of my days as a writer.

This isnt about my muse, i still get ideas, but my ability to communicate them seems to be gone.

I tried to write a little story for the Christmas contest, and despite having what I thought was a decent idea, what I produced looked more like a series of bullet points on Twitter.

It probably doesnt help that I'm grieving and fighting depression, but I am seriously worried this is the end.

To anybody who has actually read anything I've written and hoped for more, I'm sorry.

My brain is weird.

I cant even have anxiety like a normal person.

Instead of the usual symptoms, heart racing, whatever, my brain has come up with a different idea.

It finds something else for me to focus on, and goes "hey look, over here, a shiny!"

The result is I can go a long time without even realizing something is making me anxious.

I had a sad dream last night.

I dreamed that I was visiting a school, and had promised a kid I would see him in his class, only I got lost, lost my copy of Lord of the Rings which I had been carrying with me, and eventually left the school after all the classes were done and I had been told I had disappointed the kid, and then I tried to go home but found a gigantic hill behind the school that I tried to climb and failed.

In honor of Remembrance day, let me share a story about my grandfather.

My grandfather served in WW II with the "Calgary tanks", and as such was on the front lines of almost every battle involving Canadians.

He helped fight Rommel in Africa, helped invade Italy, and much more.

He was wounded several times. pieces of shrapnel were permanently lodged in his lungs, and in his shoulder.

He had been told, as most were, that the war would be over in months, but served six years. In the process, he missed his small children growing up.

I am trying to track down a story, and could use some help.

The story featured "fey" like creatures who put people into the past in different bodies, among other things. The story focused on one guy who found himself in the body of a mute girl being hunted by these creatures, and Peter Pan was involved, as were aliens.

Anybody remember this story?

Got some bad news.

Sam had an allergy attack last week, and we just got back the blood tests. It turns out its her cats, and Sam is heartbroken.

She's been given a week to find a home for the 3 kittens, and I really hope we can find them loving homes.

Sighs ...

Well, I beat my anxiety, and got stuff accomplished today. I got my blood work done, got some questions answered about Canada Pension, and best of all, got my report for October done for emergency financial aid, which has been beating me silly all week.

Yay !!!!!

Well, just when I was ready to believe I was done as a writer, my muse made a return.

I am currently working on a brand-spanking new story, and new chapters for Mercy and MYTH are also bubbling around in my head.

Stay tuned ...

okay so I am not sure what's wrong with me right now.

I feel "off" in some ill-defined way, but I cant put my finger on what is going on.

Its a little frustrating ...

okay so I did my human book thing, and I think it went well. I got thanked by several of the students as well as the organizers for my participation.

Only bad thing was after it was over, it was only noon, but I basically had just enough spoons to get home, take my dog for a walk, and then I was done ...

Well, imagine my surprise to wake up this morning and find out Edmonton suffered an (alleged) terror attack.

Details are still coming in, but so far it seems that no one was killed, but several people were injured including at least one police officer, and a suspect is in custody.

There will be those who use this as justification for bigoted attacks on immigrants or Muslims in general, but I believe most Canadians are smart enough to see through such things.

Still, positive vibes and prayers are appreciated, so keep em coming.

I am having a particularly unpleasant visitor at the moment - Mr. Nasty himself, the "voice" who tells me how worthless I am.

So even though it feels like I've been doing this a lot lately, i once again am asking for any positive messages you can send me.

Thank you to all who read this little blog and support me.

Okay so today did not go well. It started with me oversleeping because somehow last night I accidentally set my clock wrong, then I carved a fairly good sized whole in my face shaving, then I went to welfare only to be told my doctor's note isnt what I need because it covers too short a period of time.

Sighs ... roadblocks are no fun ...

So I was able to get a doctor's note about not being able to work, but it took so long, I was not able to see someone at welfare about emergency assistance.

However, i did get an appointment for Wednesday, so that will do, and I see my psychologist and hopefully get my evaluation from him tomorrow.

Inch by inch, I move forward ...