Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

CAUTION - Intense scenes involving a minor
CAUTION - Highly Emotional Content

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Slowly, Josh became aware of a hand shaking his shoulder. Not wanting to leave the warm comfort he felt, he groaned at the hand. "Go 'way!"

"Jocelyn..." a voice pierced his dream-state. "Joss? It's time to get up." the lovely voice whispered in his ear so closely that her breath tickled, causing him to squirm slightly in delight.

Both piqued and provoked, he felt the hand move from his shoulder to his hip. Giving him a gentle shake, Josh heard the voice even closer.

"Joss? Your phone alarm woke me up. I need to go back to my bed and you need to get up and take your shower." the voice whispered again.

Trying to roll over to look, he found he couldn't roll on his back as there was something... someone... pressed up against it, the feel of soft breasts were pressing into his shoulder blades. Turning his head slowly, the vision of Jennifer's lovely face, so close that he could feel her warm breath on his skin, swam into view in the darkness of the room that was lit only by the soft glow of the streetlight twenty feet from her window. "Jenn?"

"Good morning, beautiful!" she whispered happily before kissing his cheek. "You need to get up. I'm going back to my bed."

Scooting his body around so he could face her better, he gazed into her joyful eyes. "Jenn... what're you doing... down here?"

"You were having a nightmare last night and it woke me up." she explained. "I laid next to you and held you until you settled down." Shyly smiling, she added, "You felt so nice, I... I fell asleep next to you."

He felt her hand on his nearly naked hip, his nightgown having ridden up in his sleep. "Um... Jenn, this is very... intimate." he said plainly.

Giggling quietly, she removed her hand. "Sorry! We didn't do anything, if that's what you're worried about. Just sleep together. It was so nice, though! I wish I could stay like this forever! But..." Extracting herself reluctantly, she moved back into her cold bed and under her covers while Josh got up. "Have a nice shower!" she said dreamily as she lay her head against her pillow and closed her eyes. Seeing her lying there looking so happy and peaceful, he couldn't help but sigh with contentment.

Putting on his robe and slippers, he padded his way to the bathroom, locked the door, and showered. He made the water much warmer than usual and left the fan off, so by the time he'd finished the room was filled with steam. After drying off, he ran his hands over the dress he'd hung out, smoothing away the few wrinkles that remained. Turning on the fan, he dressed hastily and came out just in time to see a bleary-eyed Luke standing at the door.

"Need 'ta potty!" he demanded sleepily as Josh got out of his way and moved back into Jennifer's bedroom.

Seeing the time after closing the door to her room behind him, Josh grinned and sat on Jennifer's bed next to her and gently shook her shoulder, his hair still damp from the shower. "Wake up, beautiful! Your turn to get up!"

Opening her eyes and seeing him there, she smiled and stretched. "Good morning!" Just as she did so, there was a soft knock on the door. "Come in?" she grumbled as Josh stood and moved to her desk to get ready.

Vicky entered, glad to see Jennifer still under covers and Josh fully dressed in his off-white floral. "Good morning, you two! Sleep well?"

"Best sleep ever!" Jennifer said softly as she gazed longingly over at Josh sitting at her desk and brushing out his hair. Turning back to her mother, she saw the worry in her eyes as the woman glanced from Josh to her and back. "It was just nice having her close, Mom. Honest! Nothing happened!"

Looking at Josh just focusing on his hair with the faintest hint of guilt in his eyes made Vicky a little nervous. She knew Josh would tell her if they'd done anything if she asked, but she wanted the truth from her daughter. "Joss? Would you move to the bathroom so Jenny can get up? Luke is out now."

The boy glanced up at her and collected his things, passing her and heading to the door. "Sure, Vicky. I'll try not to be long."

After he left the room, the woman turned to her daughter sternly. "Alright, young lady. You look like a bride on her first wedded morning. Talk!"

Jennifer shrugged. "It's nothing, Mom! Honest! Joss had a nightmare last night and I laid down next to her for a bit to calm her down and that's it! I swear! I just laid next to her and held her... like you used to do with me when I was little. Her back was to me the whole time and I didn't touch anything! She never even woke up!"

Taking a deep breath, she stared closely at her daughter, seeing no lie in her eyes. "Then why do you look so... content."

Lying back on her pillow, she closed her eyes and made herself say what she was feeling. "It just felt so nice Mom, laying next to her like that! I... I think I might love her... for real! Not just a crush... not like with Janice. If she asked me, I think I'd marry her! I think I'd do about anything for her, just to make her happy!" Sitting up, she saw the chance to change the subject. "Mom, we have to help her! You know what her parents are going to do? Hormones! We need to call the cops or something!"

"I know, sweetie." Vicky said as she sat on the bed next to her daughter. "I think we should start by calling him Josh, dear. I know he seems to like it whatever you call him, but he needs you, more than anyone, to love him the way he is... not the way you want him to be." She sighed and petted Jennifer's hair. "He... he loves you, sweetheart. That means you can hurt him more easily and more profoundly than anyone... even his parents."

"What can we do about them, Mom?" she asked almost in tears. "There has to be something we can do!"

"I talked with your father last night about it." she explained. "He looked into things and found that if everything Josh says is true, which we believe him," she forestalled the obvious objection Jennifer was about to voice to the mere suggestion he could be lying, "then the only real option we have is to plead his case to his parents. They have the final say until he's eighteen. Period. If they can prove he's... um..."

"Dysphoric." Jennifer helped.

"Thank you. ...dysphoric, by use of a letter from a psychiatrist, then no legal method can stop them. We can only appeal to their good sense and try to help them hear what Josh is trying to tell them." As Jennifer sat up and hugged her mother, the woman tried to sooth her worries away. "We'll do all that we can, sweetie. I promise."

Josh finished styling his hair and checked his makeup again. Sighing that he still seemed every bit the perfect pre-teen girl, his hope died a little more. By this time next week, I'll be stuck like this for at least three months. Near to tears, he forced himself to shove the feelings away so that he didn't ruin his makeup. Giggling a little at the irony, that he was trying to 'man up' so he didn't make his mascara run, it helped elevate his mood somewhat.

He was honestly looking forward to going to services. Having been twice, he was starting to get the hang of things and understand the appeal, even to someone like him who was agnostic. If there is a God, he determined, he's pretty 'hands-off' when it comes to doing anything.

He did consider that perhaps if there was a God, his work was made manifest in the seemingly random things in life. Things like a child with a debilitating illness suddenly going into remission for no reason, or the apparently random encounters in life, such as his meeting Jennifer the way he did.

I didn't plan on going out to the grass to sit and eat. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. I just sort of seemed to end up there. Was that God or happenstance? he wondered while he finished his final touches.

What he liked was the feeling he had with so many cheerful people at the church services. Disregarding the theological question, he intended to keep going with the Healy family for that reason alone. For a short time, he could forget his problems and just be happy to be around happy people. Adjusting the little pink flowers that were his earrings, he smiled at the total effect, even though he wished it wasn't him that looked that way. Gathering his things, he headed to the living room to wait for the others.

Seeing John already there and waiting, he sat at the dining room table with the man and smiled. "Thank you." he said simply.

Turning to the youth, Jennifer's father grimaced weakly. "For what, Joss?"

"For letting me spend time with your family." he began. "For wanting to help me. For being so kind and understanding. You're nothing like my parents say Christians are, and neither are the people at church. Especially Pastor Roberts! He's smart, funny, and... just nice! So... thank you."

Genuinely humbled, John patted Josh's hand on the table. "Then you're very welcome." he answered joyfully before his mouth turned to a frown. "I don't know that we can help you with your parents, Joss. They seem very..." He struggled to find a polite way of putting it. "...determined... to see that you be a girl. We're going to have to talk to them today in order to try and stop their plans for you next Friday." Seeing Josh nod sadly at the fact, he turned away and continued almost to himself. "I don't know what I'd do if Luke wanted to be a girl. Hope it was a phase and he'd grow out of it, I suppose."

"But if it wasn't..." he paused to think, "I'd like to think I'd be willing to at least listen to him. I'd probably do as your parents are doing though... make a decision for him based on what I think's in his best interests and just hope I made the right call. That's parenting! You do your best, try to make the most rational decisions you can, and listen to your heart for the rest."

Laughing a moment, the older man shook his head. "I remember my mother used to tell me, 'Kids don't come with instruction manuals.' and since every one is different, every child you raise you do it as a novice. Oh, some things you get better at, like how to change a diaper, how to tell when they need an aspirin or the doctor, or make sure they're doing their homework... but the rest? Educated guesswork."

Turning back toward Josh, he grinned again. "There! Now you know the secret! Parents are rank amateurs working the most complex and important fieldwork imaginable... creating a functional human being... but it's the best job in the world! The worst thing anyone can do is to try and fiddle around with someone else's project. I only know we have to try and make them see that they're operating without feedback from the equipment... and that can lead to catastrophic results... including total loss of the project."

Seeing the analogy to the man's job working as a foreman for the power company, Josh nodded. "So, in your example, I'm the 'equipment' and my parents aren't taking my 'feedback', right?" Seeing him nod, Josh continued. "So, parents should listen to what their kids want?"

"Within reason." he pointed out. "Not to drive the analogy too far, feedback is no substitute for good judgement parents spend a lifetime earning. Often you have to ignore 'feedback' because the 'equipment' just wants ice-cream!"

Making Josh giggle, he saw Vicky and Jennifer come into the living room. The older of the two wore a long red and eggshell floral dress that hugged her waist and flared out at the hips. Jennifer was a vision to his eyes, wearing a pretty eggshell silk blouse and a mid-calf-length skirt that exactly matched the pattern in her mother's dress; obviously made of the same material.

"Where's Luke?" Vicky asked as she looked around, putting on her gloves.

"In his room, playing cars to occupy him in the cleanest way possible." John said as he stood and helped Josh up by the hand without even thinking. "I'll go get him, you get the girls..." he paused, winced, and turned to Josh with a pained expression. "Sorry. ...get the kids into the van."

Nodding silently, she led the two outside and into the back seat once more, joined shortly by John and a recalcitrant Luke. As they drove to the church, the nine-year-old boy was quite vocal about his distress.

"I wasn't done!" he pouted and yelled. "I just needed a little longer and I coulda got that jump 'ta work!"

"That's quite enough, Luke." Vicky admonished him. "Keep it up and you won't get to finish after brunch. We'll take your cars away."

Duly censured, the boy rode the rest of the trip in silence. Josh watched the exchange, in it seeing a practical example of what John was talking about. It was compassion, good judgement, and using the boy's feedback to adjust the situation to make Luke follow their desired course of action; namely behave in the car, at church, and during brunch.

The only question that remained was how to make his parents listen to his 'feedback' when they were convinced that their opinions were better than his. Even as he pondered the problem, Jennifer held his hand and watched him with a worried expression on her face. Leaning closer, he whispered, "Your mom and dad said that when they take me home, it's time to talk to them... try and convince them I don't want to be a girl. I... I hope it works."

Jenny gulped and nodded quickly. "Me... me too... Josh. I... I really hope that today is the last day you have to be Jocelyn."

Arriving as they had the previous two weeks, the five made their way to the doors, Pastor Roberts there to greet them as usual.

"John! Vicky! And welcome again, Jocelyn! You too, Jennifer. I understand you turned thirteen yesterday! Congratulations! Did you have a good day?"

With a nod and a grin, she couldn't help but touch the pendant that she wore alongside her plain gold cross. "Yes! I had all my friends there, we had a nice lunch, then went out to a movie! It was great!" She couldn't stop herself from stealing several glances at Josh as she spoke.

Smiling, he glanced over at their guest as well. "I'm guessing that you were among the guests at her party, Jocelyn?" Seeing him nod, he straightened up and smiled at them both. "I'm very glad for you both, then!"

"What 'bout me?" Luke interjected. "Dad took me to the park and we played baseball!"

"More like catch." John clarified. "Still, we had a good time!"

Josh had never envied a nine-year-old boy so much in his life at hearing that. Not that he especially liked baseball, he didn't, but just doing something a normal boy might do with his father was appealing. At the same time, he wouldn't have traded spending that day with Jennifer for all the games of catch with a loving father in the history of the world.

Going in and taking their seats, Josh enjoyed the service. He wondered if people would still be as friendly to him as a boy though, noting that a few boys his age were not as well monitored and talked to in-often, if at all. As a result, or possibly as a cause, he couldn't tell which, they were much more rambunctious and loud before and after the services and inattentive during.

Afterward, the family went once more to the same restaurant and enjoyed a lively conversation on the sermon that day, Are we saved by Good Works or are Good Works evidence that we've been saved? Once Josh had figured out what 'good works' were, he found the topic fascinating.

"So, if I understand it right," he puzzled, "no one can earn a place in heaven, because you'd have to be perfect to deserve a place there. It can only be given to you un-earned... undeserved. Then you try the rest of your life to deserve it, knowing you can't live up to the task? Wouldn't that just be frustrating?"

"Not really." John answered with a smile. He liked that Josh was interested and yet took nothing for granted in it; wanted to understand faith and make sense of it, and thereby the people that practiced it. "Trying yields its own rewards. Let me put it this way. You have a goal. Even if it's an impossible goal, just working towards it makes you a better person for the effort. Plus, once a person's been saved, they want to try."

"Hmm. I'll have to think about that." he pondered. Changing the topic, he brought up the disparity in how the young boys were treated in church versus how the girls were treated. "I have a special interest in this subject," he hinted, "so I guess I'm just more aware of the difference. Why is it they're treated differently?"

Vicky fielded this one as she leaned in close to him with a hushed voice. "Because boys and girls are different. You should know that better than anyone here. You know what it's like to be stuck on the wrong side of that difference. If there were no difference, it wouldn't matter to you which you were, would it? So then, why all the angst about being one over the other?"

Just at that moment, Josh realized he was operating from an assumption that had been drilled into his head for as long as he could remember; the idea that there were no differences between men and women or boys and girls, other than their primary and secondary sexual characteristics. He was living proof that his parents' assertions of it as immutable fact were wrong.

Making their way back to the car, Josh held Jennifer's hand tightly. "I... I know I gotta go home. I don't want to though. I feel like that girl in the movie when the queen makes her think she's the princess, but then Valentine breaks the spell. You all broke my spell, but I have to go back to the evil queen."

"But you won't be going back alone!" Jennifer smiled. "Step into my flying tower!" she said as she gestured toward the minivan, making the two giggle.

After stopping by the house to pick up Josh's things, they arranged for Karen to baby-sit Luke, which went as smoothly as a cat giving birth to an alligator.

"I don't need no dumb babysitter!" he insisted. "Why can't I go with you?"

Taking his turn to help, Josh led the boy into his room and knelt down in front of him. "Luke? I need you to do me a favor. I need your mom and dad to help me with something. I can't tell you what, it's a secret, but I really need their help, OK? You know how good and smart they are, right?" Seeing the boy nod shyly, Josh continued. "So, will you help me? If you come with us, they can't help me and something bad might happen to me. I need them to help protect me, but you can't know why, so you have to just trust me and stay here while they help. Can you do that for me?"

Examining Josh carefully, he sighed. "OK. I like you. You make Jenny happy so she's not bugging me all the time. I'll stay."

"Good!" Josh said with a grin. "Can Karen stay with you so she's not alone? She doesn't know the secret, so she needs to stay here, too. In fact, you need to keep it a secret that there's even a secret to keep! OK?"

"Sure." he nodded and smiled weakly. "I'll keep her safe here."

"Thanks, Luke!" he said and started to lean in for a hug before reconsidering and just extended his hand. "Help me up?"

That taken care of, the four of them all headed back to Josh's home, hopefully to end the nightmare that he'd found himself trapped in for the last month.

When they reached his house, Josh gulped in fear. "Are you sure we have to do this now? Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to like being a girl!"

Jennifer shook her head. "No, Joss. You can't learn to like being something you're not. You need help and we want to help you. You said so yourself, your parents aren't bad people. Once they see us agree with you that you shouldn't be forced to be a girl if you don't want to, they'll listen." Looking up at her parents nervously, she steeled herself. "I... I love you. I can't just stand by and watch them take a... a wonderful boy like you and turn you into what they want. You need to be you... so I can love you... Josh."

Sitting next to her, he was in awe of what she'd just professed. She... she loves me? As Josh? Do... do I love her? How do I know? Thinking a moment, he remembered something he'd read once. Love is when the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Imagining Jennifer being sad made him need to do anything to make her happy because he couldn't be happy if she wasn't. Turning it around, he realized that she must truly love him in return. She needs me to be me so I can be happy... so she can be happy.

"I think I love you too, Jenn. I know I'd do anything to make you happy, even stay living as a girl, but if I don't have to, I'd rather just be myself."

"Then why don't we go in and talk." Vicky suggested. "That's why we came!"

The four climbed out of the car and made their way up the flagstones, Josh leading the way. When they got to the door, he opened it and saw his parents sitting on the loveseat. "Hi! We're here!" Holding the door for the three others, he closed it behind them.

Getting up, Melanie went up to Josh. "Welcome home, sweetie!" she said as she hugged him. "OK, Jocelyn. So what's this about? All you said on the phone was that the Healys wanted to talk about something important." Seeing Jennifer standing next to him and holding his hand with an aspect of fear in her eyes, she turned to the girl's parents. "Is she pregnant?"

"No." John said with a mild chuckle. "Nothing like that. We wanted to talk to you about... well... about Josh. May we sit?"

Furrowing her brow, she crossed her arms. "Please, don't call her that! It's painful for her to hear! Don't you know that?"

Stepping forward, Vicky tried to calm things down. "Please, Melanie. We just want to talk about the situation... to help in any way we can. Please?"

Relaxing somewhat, she sat next to Fred and gestured toward the couch. "Take a seat." Seeing the four of them sit together, including Josh, she felt a pang of jealousy that he'd chosen them over her.

"OK." Fred began. "Let's not cloud the issue with unneeded pleasantries or formalities. Obviously, something's wrong or you wouldn't be here."

Josh turned to Vicky for support, but she just nodded back at him. When he got the same from John and then Jennifer, though the girl at least squeezed his hand reassuringly, he turned to his parents. Taking a breath, he held it a moment before pushing the words out. I hope they're right about you two. he thought before he said it. "Daddy? Mom? I'm a boy."

"What?" Melanie shouted and stood up.

"Mel?" Fred said calmly. "Let's hear her out, at least."

Josh's mother stared daggers at the trio sitting with her child. "Fine! But I already know what's going on!" Sitting down heavily, she glared at her son.

Suddenly losing his nerve, Josh's face sank. What's the use. he sulked. She's already made up her mind. It's hopeless.

Seeing him begin to falter, Jennifer forged ahead. "Mrs. Ryan? I love Joss. I think I've loved her from the first moment I saw her." When she saw his mother's face soften at the sentiment, she took the plunge. "But even I'd rather love Josh for himself than Jocelyn as the fake person that he pretends to be because he feels trapped. You never asked him what he feels."

"I think I know my own daughter!" Melanie snapped back. "I'm an expert in psychology! Besides, I had her checked by a licensed psychiatrist. I think that his opinion is better than a thirteen-year-old girl's!"

"But he doesn't know Josh, Mrs. Ryan!" she pleaded. "I do! You can't get to know someone in just a few minutes! Please! Don't do this to him! It... it'll kill him inside if you force him to become a girl against his will!"

"Now, nobody's forcing anything!" Fred countered. "Jocelyn's admitted to us, repeatedly, by word and action, that she's a girl. Jocelyn is my daughter. She went through a lot of hardship getting where she is, and I won't let anyone influence her to throw that all away just because you want her to be a boy!"

"But Mr. Ryan, I don't want her to be a boy!" Jennifer cried. "I... I'm gay, OK? I like girls! I love Jocelyn! She's wonderful! I don't want Joss to change back into Josh, but I need him to or else he can't ever be happy!" Pausing for a moment, she added softly, "I'd rather die alone than see Josh forced to be something he isn't."

Her heartfelt sentiment defused their anger, but not their resolve. "None of this matters." Fred stated flatly. "Jocelyn is a girl. That's been proven by her own words and actions. So, why are you all trying to convince her that she's a boy? What's really going on here?"

Taking Jennifer's strength to fight back, Josh took a breath. "Daddy? I was pretending to be Jocelyn. You didn't give me any choice. You never asked me what I want, you just told me. I don't want to be a girl. I'm a boy."

Melanie shook her head. "Jocelyn, come over here with us. They're confusing you! That's just your body!" she argued. "Your mind is a girl's mind!"

Frustrated, he sat back down next to Jennifer. "I told you they would never listen." he almost cried. "It's useless. They hate me!"

"Of course we don't hate you, Jocelyn!" Melanie stated. "But we do know what's best for you and these people are not helping your self identity! They have their own agenda, and I know what it is." She stared at the gold cross Jennifer still wore alongside the gift from Josh. "They're Christian extremists, Fred! Look!"

Seeing the cross she indicated, Fred sighed. "I would ask you three to leave and never bother my daughter again. If you do, I'll get a restraining order."

As his father said the words, the life in Josh's eyes died.

"No!" screamed Jennifer as she wrapped her arms around Josh and they held each other as tightly as they could. "Please! Don't say that Mr. Ryan! I'll do anything! Just don't say that! I love her and she loves me! Please!"

Sympathizing with her plight, Fred still shook his head. "I'm sorry, Jennifer. I don't want to, but your parents' actions are forcing me to. I have to protect my daughter. I'm sure you like her a lot, and I'm sure that your parents put a lot of pressure on you to find a boy you could like, but Jocelyn isn't a boy. I think the way you feel about her is enough proof that she's a girl. You like her. If she was a boy, you wouldn't like her so much, but you'll have to find another girl to like."

Glowering at the two parents, Fred stiffened his resolve. "Take your daughter home and stop filling her head with superstitious garbage that some fairy sky king hates her for liking girls, or whatever nonsense you've been telling her!"

Vicky stood up to defend her daughter. "Mr. Ryan! We love our daughter and have already accepted that she's gay!"

"So you try to take the girl she likes and turn her into a boy to suit your evil prejudices?" Melanie barked back at her. "I hope Jennifer figures out soon what deluded bigots you are! Then she might get away from you two before you drive her to kill herself! Please leave or I'm calling the police!"

Trying to pull Jennifer away from Josh required both sets of parents to actually cooperate for a moment. Even as they helped literally rip Josh and Jennifer out of each other's arms, the Healys tried to plead for them to get a second opinion.

"Please, Melanie!" Vicky pleaded. "Just take Josh to a second psychiatrist without prejudice and..."

"Her name is Jocelyn!" Melanie shouted back. "Stop misgendering her!"

"Mr. Ryan!" John implored him. "You're a smart man! Listen to your son! He needs..."

"I have a daughter!" Fred shouted. "Get out!"

"Jocelyn!" Jennifer screamed. "Jocelyn! Please!"

The whole time Josh was once more in a fugue state, the whole world around him a blur of noises, movement, and the agony of losing Jennifer. No! God? If you're real... please help me! Don't let them take her away from me! Please? Help me!