Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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To give him a room of his own, Hank and Joyce Edwards worked every spare minute to convert their den into another bedroom. Previous foster children had shared a room either with Tracy if they were a girl or David if a boy, but the family quickly realized that Joss didn't really fit either and did their best to adapt.

It was the first Sunday after he'd moved in that the trouble began.

Joyce saw the meager clothes Joss had been able to get from his home and that the pastor's family had gotten for him and had insisted that she take him shopping. Barred from church services, not by the pastor but by the simple fact that if he showed up he'd drive the majority of other worshipers away, Joss was out of sorts and moody. He'd also not taken any hormones in over three weeks.

Sitting in the back seat of their minivan, Joss stared out the window while Tracy chattered on.

"It's gonna be so much fun with you living with us, Joss!" she said happily. "And you get an all new wardrobe! I am so jealous!"

"Meh." Joss shrugged absently. "It's just clothes."

"Yeah, but you always did look so great all the time! You have good taste!"

"Melanie bought all my clothes." he grumbled.

"Oh, well that's alright! You have me along to help you find your perfect style!" the girl chirped.

"Tracy." Joyce warned from the driver's seat. "Need I remind you that Joss isn't a girl?"

Suddenly brought back down to earth, Tracy's mood soured. "Oh... oh yeah. I... I kinda forgot. Sorry, Joss."

Scowling at nobody as he continued to watch the world go by the window, he shrugged again, not even replying.

The shopping trip turned into a disaster. Steadfastly refusing to shop in the women's department, every time Joss thought he found something that he liked in the men's section it either wouldn't fit his feminine body or looked girly on him. Frustrating him until he stormed out of the department store, he walked the six miles back to the Edwards's home alone. Coming up the driveway two hours later, the minivan parked in the open garage, his mood had softened to one of regretfulness.

Opening the front door quietly, he slipped in unnoticed and around into the converted den. Laying down on the small twin bed that was used whenever they were caring for a foster child, Joss curled up and cried. He cried for his lost childhood, his lost church, and for his hated female body. After a short time he fell into a restless sleep.

Standing at the shore of an ocean, Joss gazed out at the waves and listened to them crash against the sand. Glancing down at himself, he saw hands that looked like a grown man's and his clothes were a man's jeans and polo shirt. Feeling his scalp, he felt the short-cropped hair and smiled. Relaxing and watching the waves, he wasn't even startled by the familiar voice next to him, almost expecting her to be there with him.

"Peaceful, isn't it Joss." Grace stated softly.

"Yeah. It's nice." he said quietly as he turned to her, noticing the deep rumble of his smooth baritone voice that at once seemed odd and perfectly normal. He was surprised, and yet at the same time not so, that she appeared older, perhaps how she might have been in her twenties had she lived.

"So is this what you really want?" she asked, turning and looking at him with a smile. "You look nice, don't get me wrong, but it's not very... you."

"I know." he sadly responded, turning back to the ocean before lowering himself to sit in the sand. As he did, he noticed that his hands had changed back into the feminine shape he was used to. That's when he became aware of the sand against his rear, not through a pair of jeans, but through a light flowing skirt as he looked down at the dress he wore. "I guess this is all I can ever be." he grumbled, his voice once more light and feminine.

Sitting down next to him, Grace leaned over and bumped his shoulder the way she used to always do. "Hey, look at it this way, you'll save a ton on shaving cream and men's deodorant!"

Grimacing, he turned to her. "Grace? Why are you here?"

"Just trying to help." she said simply. "You were kinda mean to Tracy and Joyce. In fact, you've been downright bitchy for weeks! For someone who's finally gotten what they always wanted, you're awfully unhappy about it!"

"I know!" he yelled at her. "I just... I hoped... Ugh! What's the use? I can't get away from it! Never! Goddamn assholes! They ruined my life!"

Sitting in silence a moment, Grace broke it with a question. "So, you just gonna give up and be a jerk the rest of your life?"

Picking up a fistful of sand, he threw it in frustration, only for it to fly back in his face.

"Joss!" Grace yelled as she spat and stood up, even as Joss tried to get sand out of his eyes. "Nice move! You got sand everywhere!"

Taking a moment to wipe his face clear of the grit, Joss lay down on the warm sand with his back to her. "I'm sorry, Grace."

"Don't be sorry, Joss!" she snapped. "Just don't do it! You get mad and throw a fit and all it's gonna do is fly back and hurt you and everyone around you!"

Seeing the allegory in his situation, he nodded, the sand grinding into his long brown hair as he did so. "I know Grace, it's just... it's so hard! I'll never be free of them!"

"They're your parents, Joss." she said softly and lovingly as she lay next to him and petted his hair. "No one can ever escape them. Even kids who their parents gave them up for adoption and never even met them can't escape what they did. I mean, what did you think was going to happen? You'd get away and suddenly be like it'd never happened?"

"No!" he grumbled, still laying in the sand and enjoying the feel of her fingers running through his hair. "I just... I thought it would be easier."

"Why?" she asked softly.

"Because I could stop being what they wanted me to be and start being myself."

"And who are you?" Grace asked, lying against his back as she continued to brush his long hair with her fingers.

About to say 'a boy', Joss caught himself, knowing the answer Grace had always given him. "I'm me."

He could hear the smile on her lips as she responded. "That's my Joss!" she giggled. "I think you may actually be getting it! Your gift..."

Lying next to her, Joss just enjoyed the closeness. "Your mom really misses you, Grace."

"I know." she sighed. "I miss her, too. Tell her I love her?"

"I will." he promised. "Grace? Is this a dream or is it real?"

"Little from column A, little from column B... little bit neither one." she tried to explain. "I'm a Helper. People used to call us Angels, but Helper really describes us better. Most the time, people don't even get to know they've been helped. Only a special few get to know. Like you."

"My parents would say it's just a dream... a fantasy my mind cooked up to help me get over losing you."

"Yeah, well your parents also said you were gay, and a girl, so... consider the source!" Grace pointed out, making both giggle together as they used to. Sadly, her voice became distant. "I gotta go now, Joss. Remember, I'll always love you."

"I love you, too." he sighed, not catching the first part of her statement as he reveled in the second. Just as he realized what she'd said, he sat up and found himself in his room. "Grace!"

"Shhh!" Joyce soothed him, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair some more. "It's alright, Joss!"

"Aunt Joyce!" he squeaked, his mind slowly coming out of the dream state he'd been in and back to his harsh reality. "Aunt Joyce, I'm really sorry about this afternoon! I just... I'm frustrated is all! I'm not a girl, but I'm not a boy, either! I'm a nothing!"

"Joss Ryan!" she barked, her brow furrowing. "I will not have you saying things like that about yourself! You're a wonderful person, boy or girl, and we love you!"

Calming himself, Joss relaxed back down onto the bed where the woman resumed combing his hair with her fingers. "I'm sorry, Aunt Joyce."

"It's alright, sweetie." she soothed. "You've had a pretty rough time. We just want to take care of you." After a few minutes trying to ease his fears and frustrations away, Joyce asked, "Do you dream about Grace often?"

Shaking his head, he relaxed. "Not since I got out of the hospital." Rolling over to look at her, he swallowed lightly in nervousness. "I... I feel like she was really here just now, like she's watching over me and trying to help."

"Like a guardian angel?" Joyce asked kindly.

"More like a psychiatrist!" he giggled. "She asks me questions I don't want to hear 'cuz I already know the answer." Changing topics, he returned to one from earlier. "Aunt Joyce? What am I gonna do? I can't dress like a boy... I look ridiculous! Like a late-teen tomboy that refuses to grow up!"

Not sure how to answer, and afraid to sound like she was pushing him in any direction, she shrugged. "I don't know, Joss. I'm sorry, but I just don't. Grownups don't have all the answers, dear. What do you want to do?"

"Go back in time six years and run away from home!" he answered honestly.

Joyce stopped petting his hair and helped him sit up. "Well, until we find Wells's time machine, how about we try going back to the store, without company, just you and me, and find you something to wear that suits you? You can't just keep wearing the same four outfits all the time!" Smiling, she added, "You'll give us a bad name!"

Laughing, Joss got up and tried again. This time shopping in the women's department, he managed to find enough jeans, tops, and other things that fit well and actually looked good on him that he didn't mind as much that they looked feminine. At least there are no skirts! he consoled himself. He was putting them away in the dresser and closet in his makeshift bedroom when Tracy knocked on his open door and came in.

"Hi, Joss." she said solemnly. "Look, about earlier, I'm sorry. I... I just have a really hard time seeing you as a..." Noticing the clothes he was putting away, she stared at him with an expression of betrayal. "Joss! After all that, you got women's clothes anyway? What's your damage?"

"Trace!" he snapped back, "I just need to kind of find my own thing, OK? I'm not really a girl, but at least these things fit and I have to wear something! Or do you think I should adopt the nudist lifestyle?"

Glaring at each other sternly a moment, the two slowly began to crack smiles, eventually devolving into a giggle-fit. Calming down after a few minutes, Tracy just smiled at him. "I'm sorry, Joss. I know your parents royally screwed you up, and I'm not really helping much. You've just always been my little... um..." She stopped as she realized she was still doing it. "Sorry."

Sighing, Joss shook his head. "It's fine, Trace. I understand. You look at me and you see the same thing everyone else does. A girl."

"Does it count that I want to see you differently?" she asked hopefully.

"Yes, Trace!" he grinned. "Yes it does!"

The year passed into summer, with the twins turning seventeen in mid-July. Joss tried to settle in to his new situation, but each day found him feeling more irritable, moody, and on an emotional roller coaster. By the end of the month, Hank and Joyce took him aside one evening to talk.

"Joss?" Hank began, "We think you should start seeing someone about your problems. You obviously need help coming to terms with things. You might even need... something... to help with your emotional problems."

"What? You wanna put me on drugs now?" he snapped, instantly regretting it and crying as he tried to take it back. "Oh, Hank! I'm sorry! I just..."

"We know, dear." Joyce forgave him quickly. "I think you know that we need to do something to help, though! We can't just sit by and watch while you tear yourself apart!"

Sighing and collecting himself, he looked at his two caregivers. "So what did you have in mind?"

"We've made an appointment for you to see our family doctor, Dr. Yates. She should be able to point us in the right direction." Hank explained.

Grinning weakly back, Joss agreed. "Alright, lets go find out how much Prozac she wants to put me on!"

Sitting on the examination table after getting dressed again, Joss waited with Joyce in the exam room for the doctor to return. He'd already done the blood tests she'd requested to be completed prior to the visit, so the physical exam was to find out if there were any other issues.

Dr. Elizabeth Yates returned and smiled at him gently. "Well, other than a few minor physical issues, I would say you were a perfectly normal and healthy fifteen-year-old girl."

"Except I'm a seventeen-year-old boy." he pointed out.

"I could tell." she retorted slyly at him. "Anyway, the blood tests I had you do last week came back and there is something concerning there." Pulling out the report, she handed a copy to Joyce. "Joss has almost no testosterone or estrogen in his blood, and given his development through puberty, his body is responding as though he's entered menopause. It explains the majority of the emotional instability he's been experiencing, as well as his general lack of energy."

"What do you suggest, Doctor Yates?" Joyce asked curiously.

After a moment of hesitation, glancing at Joss uneasily, she stated, "Hormone Replacement Therapy." before turning back to Joyce. "He needs testosterone or estrogen. Without one or the other, he'll start to lose bone mass, gain weight, lose energy, and his health will deteriorate." Looking once more at the boy, she regarded him sadly. "I know HRT carries a bad history with you Joss, but I'm afraid it's what you need at this point."

Joyce took the lull to ask the big question. "So then, which should it be?"

Dr. Yates shrugged. "I'm afraid that part is up to you. Yes, I know that's the hard part and I'm officially chickening out of telling you which way to go!" Laughing a moment with Joyce, the doctor's tone turned serious. "Honestly Joyce, we just don't have enough information to tell you all the ramifications. To the best of my knowledge, if we put him on testosterone therapy, there's a good likelihood there would be... issues."

Facing Joss, she looked at him helplessly. "You would start to develop some masculine traits, muscle and facial hair growth, and your voice might break, but in the end you'll still look more feminine than masculine. At best, you'll be androgynous. I'm sorry. I wish I had better options for you."

"It's not your fault, Doctor Yates." he glumly replied. Biting his lower lip, he pretty much knew the answer to the question, but knew he needed to ask it anyway. "What if I... um... go back on estrogen?"

Somberly, the doctor looked absently at the papers she held. "You'd go back to normal female hormone levels and stay pretty much as you are, Joss." Turning once more to Joyce, she smiled hopefully. "There are surgical options. We could put him on testosterone, wait a few years, and then try to help fix his androgyny with plastic surgery. A mastectomy to begin with, then facial reconstruction to give him more masculine facial features. Those are options."

"But that would be years down the road, right?" Joyce asked hesitantly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Dr. Yates admitted. "And even if your insurance covers Gender Identity Disorder, which most don't, none that I know of cover GID reversal, which in Joss's case it would be considered as such. Even then, the results might not work as well as you'd hope. It's one of the reasons there is such a high suicide rate for those that try to reverse gender reassignment. They simply can never get back all that they lost."

"I'll take the estrogen." Joss glumly acquiesced after a few moments' silence. "At least then I won't feel so awful all the time."

"Are you sure?" Joyce asked intently. "Hank and I will make things work no matter what you decide. Don't worry about the cost! It's only money!"

Nodding in resignation, Joss sighed. "Yeah, I'm sure. I know I'll never be who I would have been if my parents had let me be myself. I guess I've known that since I was fourteen. I'll take it."

"I can put you on a very minimal amount, Joss." Dr. Yates offered. "Just enough to make it easier on you."

"Thanks, Doctor Yates." he said looking at her. "I know you're trying to help, but if I do this of my own free will, I might as well do it right. Give me however much you think I need to stay healthy."

Within a week, Joss's moods had stabilized. By the time school was due to start his senior year, Joss seemed to be back to normal for him. The only major thing wrong was that he couldn't go back to church.

Sitting in the coffee shop with Daniel, Joss sipped his tea and glanced at the pastor, having just told him of his return to hormone therapy.

"Well..." he answered, "I can understand your reasons, Joss. I don't agree with them, though."

"Dan, even if I tried to go back," Joss explained, "I would never be a man. My mother saw to that."

"You don't know that, Joss!" he insisted. "Only God can know that!"

"God may know the results without even trying, but that doesn't make it impossible for medical science to make a really good guess." he countered. "I've seen what happens to people who try and go back, Dan. It's never very good. I looked it up. A shocking number of them end up in the morgue."

"They aren't you though, Joss!" he almost shouted. "You're different!"

"Why?" he asked. "What makes me so different that I should expect different results?"

"Your faith, Joss!" he pressed. "With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains! How much more could you do with Him on your side!"

"I do have faith, Dan." Joss admitted. "But faith won't undo what's been done to me."

"You have to put in the effort." he argued. "You can't just sit and pray for it! You have to try! Then trust Him to meet you the rest of the way."

"It sounds good on paper Pastor, but God doesn't care about my body, does He? Isn't this just a shell? A temporary housing for the immortal me within? Why would He bother working a miracle just for my vanity?" Joss shook his head. "No, it's too late for any of that. It would be vain and wasteful to try and change myself back into something I can never be."

Daniel Roberts turned his coffee cup around idly. "You know that so long as you remain looking like a girl you can't attend our church. Believe me, I've tried repeatedly to convince the congregation to accept you as you are, but I've been warned by the church council that if I continue to press the point, they'll fire me and hire another pastor. I'm thinking of just resigning to save them the trouble. I told you that you'd be welcome in any church I lead. I have no intention of going back on that promise."

"No!" Joss pleaded. "No, Pastor Roberts! I can't let you do that! They need you! Maybe now more than ever! I'll be alright. I can always find a church where they don't know me as Jocelyn. I promise, I won't lose my faith over this, OK? Just promise me you won't abandon the others!"

Daniel looked at him and saw the genuine concern in his eyes. Glancing down, he reluctantly agreed. "Alright. I'll let it go. I have to say, you'll be missed. Some of the congregation ask about you every week. How you are and what you're doing."

"Tell them... Tell them I'm fine!" he said with a smile.

Joss tried attending other churches, but none seemed to have the same feeling he'd gotten from the simple little church on Spring Drive. He met with Pastor Roberts twice more, talking about various issues, but his voluntary return to estrogen seemed to be the death knell of their relationship. As summer turned to fall, the two stopped reaching out more and more until there was too much time between them for either to bridge the gap.

School went on and by mid-October the general sense of people's guilt over how they'd treated Joss and Grace over the years waned with fading memories. So too was gone all the support he'd had over his transition. His Government teacher even went so far as to ridicule him openly, only calling him 'Jocelyn' and accusing him of setting a poor example to other LGBT students.

By the time November came and school was back after Halloween weekend, Joss was once more eating alone. Tracy wasn't snubbing him so much as they were just too different to really enjoy hanging out together. David likewise had moved on. Being on the Varsity football team left him little time to hang out with his socially awkward friend.

With Thanksgiving approaching, Joss had begun to feel like the proverbial unwelcome houseguest. Joyce and Hank did everything they could to make him feel at home and bought him everything he wanted or needed, but it was an isolated existence. With no real friends and without a church to call home, he drifted from day to day much as he had in his time after he'd lost Jennifer. Slowly depression set in and began to make Joss think of easier times.

The day before Thanksgiving, since they were home from school, Joss talked to Joyce about it.

"I was thinking of calling my parents and asking if they'd like to have me for the holiday tomorrow." he suggested idly as he cut up the carrots. "After all, Thanksgiving is a family holiday. You all don't need me around for it."

Stopping with her hand still stuffed in a twenty-pound bird, Joyce looked at him like he'd gone mad. "How can you even think of going back to them?" she asked incredulously. "They abused you, Joss! We won't allow it! You are family to us! We care for you just as much as if you were our own child!"

"I know, Aunt Joyce." he said with a melancholy lilt. "It's just... I miss them sometimes. I haven't even spoken to 'em since I got out of the psycho ward."

"It was an observation ward." Joyce corrected him as she pushed the stuffing further into the bird. Finishing up, she turned to him as she washed her hands. "You're not happy here, are you Joss?"

"Oh, it's fine, Aunt Joyce." he admitted half-heartedly as he slowly sliced carrots. "It's just... I was thinking, maybe now that they see how serious I am about who I am, they might treat me differently. I... I do still love them, even after all they did to me."

Walking over to him, she took the knife from his hands and led him over to sit at the kitchen table. "Are you sure about this?" she asked.

Looking at her and taking a breath, he let it out slowly as he answered. "No, but I think I have to at least try. Worst case I can walk back over here. It's only a few blocks. They can't stop me from leaving, right?"

"Not legally, no." Joyce said suspiciously. "Tell you what. Help me finish getting things ready for tomorrow and I'll give them a call and test the waters, so to speak. Then, if you still want to, I'll walk you there tomorrow morning and stay with you a bit until I'm sure you're safe. Does that sound fair?"

"You shouldn't have to spend time away from your family on Thanksgiving just for me." he argued.

"That's the deal, Joss." she stated seriously. "We're your guardians and are responsible for what happens to you. Take it or leave it."

Giving in, Joss nodded. "Alright, Aunt Joyce."

Once they'd completed the food preparations for the next day, Joyce did as she promised and dialed the Ryan residence, only to get a recording. As she listened intently, her eyes grew wide and she hung up the phone in disgust. "Figures!" she spat at the device.

"What's wrong?" Joss asked curiously.

"Your parents have apparently decided that they're too embarrassed to tell the people they know the truth about what happened to you and have decided to concoct some story that you've been abducted by religious extremists!"

"No, that's just the way they see it." Joss said disappointedly. "Like I told you, they're convinced that Pastor Roberts and the rest of the congregation brainwashed me into becoming a Christian and turning against my transition. Funny when you consider that I can't even go back there now that they know about me! Ha, ha."

Getting another idea, Joyce smiled and looked at him. "Joss? I need to call someone. Can you excuse me for a bit, dear?"

Nodding, he went off to his room after getting cleaned up. Lying in his bed, he could hear Joyce talking on the phone, but not what she was saying. He considered eavesdropping to find out, certain that it had to do with him, but thought better of it and just lay back and began to daydream once again about his pretend life as a normal boy.

The next morning, Joss got up and got dressed in a pair of slacks and a plain white blouse. Taking the time to do his hair simply, he left his room to join the family for breakfast. As soon as he walked out of his door, his smile grew wide. "Judy!" he yelled running to her and falling into her loving arms.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Joss!" Judy said as she held him. "I take it you're glad to see me?"

"Immensely!" he cried as he held her tightly. "I've missed you so much! I haven't seen you in months!"

"I missed you too, baby." she sighed. Releasing one another, she looked at him and smiled. "You look nice today! What would you think about spending Thanksgiving with me? It'll just be the two of us. Think you can stand that much of me?"

Blushing at the compliment, Joss nodded happily. "I'd love to, Judy! And Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!"