Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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After returning home, Josh was truly happy for the first time since the start of school. He had his two best friends again and it actually gave him hope for a moment that, with their help, he could figure a way out of his predicament. They always helped with my parents insisting I'm gay! he reasoned. Slowly though, a new thought dawned on him. I've gone to school three times dressed as a girl! Everyone thinks I want to be one now! It'll be impossible to convince them I really wanna be a boy... even Tracy and David!

He also realized that not only would he be going to school without Tracy for the next few days, but without David as well. Even when David was mad at me, he was still there.

The next morning saw him waiting at the bus stop as usual, the light breeze making the early hour cooler than it had been lately, so he was glad he'd chosen that day to wear his one pair of designer jeans. He almost felt normal, if it weren't for the girl's top and bra he wore that were constant irritations. Getting on the bus, the same story repeated itself as the day before; no one sat with him. Almost trying to hide in plain sight, Josh struggled to ignore the feelings of despair through his classes. Lunchtime saw him again sitting off on his own, but this time no one approached. No confrontations. No drama.

Just quiet loneliness.

He went through his day not really paying attention to much of anything. Riding the bus home was just a repeat of the morning in reverse. Sitting on the bus alone, he was surrounded by kids his age who wanted nothing to do with him. He dropped off David's work at the Edwards' house and said hi to Tracy, but he still felt alone.

Friday morning the weather turned warm again and Josh decided to try and fight his self-loathing by fully embracing the role of being the girl everyone expected him to be.

He pulled out the floral sundress.

Coming downstairs, he felt ridiculous. His closet mirror told him he looked beautiful with the cream-colored cardigan over his shoulders, but every step taken in the off-white two-inch heel sandals told him the truth, over and over.

Boy in a dress.

Swallowing his pride, he smiled at the praise from his mother, tried to enjoy the hug from his father, and re-packed all of his books and things into his new backpack. When he'd gotten home from camp, he'd found his mother had bought him, among other things, a glittery pink backpack. He never thought he'd actually ever use it, but there he was, moving all his things over to the accessory that absolutely screamed 'GIRL!' to anyone looking.

Making his way to the bus stop, he tried to loosen up and just enjoy the fact that he looked pretty and knew it, the way Tracy did, but it continued to eat at him. Sitting on the bus, he tried not to care that the other kids avoided him, but that too slowly gnawed at his heart. Going through his morning classes, he tried to focus on his work and ignore the whispers, but the growing sense of isolation and disgust at his own appearance wouldn't go away. Not even the uplifting note he found in his locker could make a difference.

Eating outside on the grass and enjoying the warm sun, he had a weird feeling come over him; one he couldn't place, just a general sense of unease. Slowly, he turned around to see Jennifer Healy sitting on the grass less than ten feet behind him. He realized then that the odd feeling he'd had was that she'd been looking at him again. Swallowing in fear that it was now her turn to pick on and humiliate him, he looked right in the girl's eyes. This time they were too close to one another to pretend they weren't seeing each other.

"You don't have to be afraid of me." Jennifer said gently.

"What makes you think I am?" he said, trying to keep fear out of his voice.

Smiling, Jennifer shook her head. "I can see it in your eyes. I understand. I'm not going to pick on you."

"Why'd you sneak up behind me, then?" he asked more boldly than he felt.

"I didn't." she said with a light giggle. "You sat down in front of me!"

"Oh." he sighed. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For thinking you were, like... stalking me? Or something?"

Laughing genuinely, she got up and walked down the short, grassy hill to sit next to him. "I'm Jennifer."

"I know. Tracy told me who you were. I'm J... Jocelyn."

"I know." she giggled. "I've been stalking you, remember!" she said in a sarcastic tone.

Blushing when she smiled at him, he felt a queer feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he'd eaten a sour apple, and couldn't help but look away shyly.

"You're really pretty." Jennifer said with her own degree of shyness. "I... I wish I was as pretty as you!"

Turning to the girl, he admired her straight pale blonde hair that hung just below her shoulders. She was skinny, almost too skinny, and her angular frame as she sat next to him could only be improved in his opinion by being a little more curvy. Like me! he thought glumly. Her skin was free of blemishes and her complexion gave her a pleasant warmth. Her smile when she laughed showed she had slightly large front teeth, but he honestly felt it gave her character, that unique something that made her different from everyone else.

"I think you look pretty." he said, blushing mildly.

"Not as pretty as you, though." she sighed as she looked at him wistfully. "I... can... may I ask you something?"

"You just did." he pointed out with a giggle.

Making her laugh, she threw her head back happily. "No! I mean... you know what I mean!"

Laughing with her, he nodded and smiled. "Go ahead."

Composing herself and turning serious, she looked at him. "I... I wanted to know why you showed up looking like a boy the first day of school? You're way too pretty to hide it like that!"

Expecting to feel the usual pang of self-loathing when she said he was pretty, he found himself smiling instead. Pushing that confusing feeling aside, he tried to answer her question; not sure if she knew he really was a boy. "Well... um... I was still... um... you see, I'm... uh..."

"It's OK." she said sweetly. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just wondered why you weren't dressed nice that day like you have been all week. I woulda thought that you'd be dying to get out of boy clothes! Or were you still trying to get your parents to let you?"

"Um... not exactly." he explained, realizing she knew he 'used' to be a boy. "I was fighting it. My parents were actually pushing me to... to be a girl."

"Well that's different!" she giggled. "Usually it's the other way 'round! When did you know you were a girl inside? Did you, like, always know?"

Taking a chance at honesty, he gulped and looked away. "To tell you the truth, I still don't know. I mean, I act like a girl. I look like a girl. I talk like a girl. I laugh like a girl. In a lot of ways, it's just easier to be a girl. My parents think I've just been repressing it because I'm afraid. I guess they're right. I know I don't look it, but I feel silly in this dress! Like any moment, someone's gonna run up and start laughing at me!"

Jennifer nodded. "I guess I understand. I don't know a lot about girls like you, only what I read on the Internet. Gender dis... um... disflor... um..."

"Dysphoria." Josh finished for her. "It means 'uncomfortable', basically. I dunno. I was never really uncomfortable as a boy. I guess I'd learned to like it. Now I'm trying to get used to liking being a girl."

Cocking her head slightly to the left, she tucked her hair behind her ear. "It almost sounds like you want to go back to being a boy!"

Shaking his head, Josh sighed. "I can't. I need to just learn to accept that I am what I am. My parents call it 'running away back to being a boy' 'cuz that's where everything was easy and comfortable, like when I was little."

"What do you want?" she asked innocently.

Stunned into silence, he turned away from her and toward the school, lost in thought. What do I want? Nobody ever asks me that! Smiling, he looked back at her. "I... um... I guess if I had a choice, I'd just be a boy. I guess that makes me a bit of a coward, though. Everyone says I'm such a girl! So I'm trying to be brave and just face it."

Scrutinizing Josh, she tried to figure him out. Shrugging, she smiled. "OK. If that's what you want to do! I like you this way!"

Doing a double take, he stared at her curiously. "You... you like me?"

"Sure!" she answered happily. "What's not to like? You're nice, smart, funny, and... well... really pretty!" she finished with a dreamy sigh.

Blushing at the compliments, Josh shied away toward the grass. "I like you, too. You seem to actually care what I feel. Plus, you're nice, honest, and... um... pretty, too!"

Her turn to blush, she too glanced away shyly. "Thanks! No one calls me pretty except my parents, though!" Looking up at him, she smiled. "Um... my birthday's the first of next month. Would you like to come?"

"Sure!" he said with a smile. Hearing the bell ring, he looked down, realizing he'd never finished lunch. Packing it quickly as the girl stood up and started toward the school building, he looked up when she turned back to him.

"Oh! Do you have a nice dress?" Jennifer asked.

Inspecting at the dress he wore, he became self-conscious. "Isn't this nice?"

Rolling her eyes, she walked back to him and helped him to his feet. "Not what I meant, silly!" she giggled. "I meant like a party dress. I want a party that's a little... nice... this year. Kinda 'grown up', ya' know? I am turning thirteen, after all! A girl only becomes a teenager once!"

Thinking quickly as they headed back to the building, Josh bit his lower lip. "I... I'm not sure. I have some nice dresses, but I don't really know if any of them would be a party dress." Remembering the blue satin dress that Tracy had tried to have him wear, he brightened. "Oh! I have the perfect dress for something like that! Yes! I do have a nice dress! It's blue satin with a white belt that ties in back! It's really pretty!"

"That sounds perfect!" Jennifer looked at him with a wide smile. "I'll bet you look beautiful in it! Try not to out-shine me on my own birthday, though!"

Giggling together like old friends, they stopped when they got to his locker. When Josh got his pack out, Jennifer asked for a piece of paper. Handing her one from his notebook, he watched as she wrote her number down.

"Here. Call me after school? Maybe we can see each other this weekend!"

"Sure!" he replied happily, glad to have another friend. Watching her walk away towards her own locker, he sighed lightly, closed his locker, and practically skipped to his math class.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully and quickly as Josh found it easier to concentrate on his work. Even the solitary bus trip home seemed brighter and happier, having seen Jennifer wave to him as she rode home on her bike. Dropping off David's assignments, he knocked gently on Tracy's door.

"Come in." the miserable girl croaked.

"Hey, Trace." he said sympathetically. "Feeling any better?"

"No!" she said with a growl. "Stupid cold!"

Stepping into her room, he sat in her desk chair. "Guess what happened to me today!" he said happily. "I made a new friend!"

Sitting up at the news, Tracy looked at him with a smile. "Oh? Who?"

"Jennifer Healy!" he said with a smile. "We ran into each other at lunch. She's actually really nice!"

Feeling mildly jealous, Tracy grimaced. "That's cool, Joss. You deserve it!"

"Thanks!" he smiled. "I was feeling really lonely with you and Dave not around. You know I never had any friends in my old schools. It was nice to have someone to spend lunch with who doesn't see me as some kind of a weirdo!" Seeing his oldest friend look away towards the window sadly, he frowned. "You're still my best friend though, Trace! No one could ever replace you!"

Turning back to him and smiling at the sweet sentiment, she quickly grabbed a tissue and sneezed into it. "Thanks." she said after blowing her nose. "You better go though, Joss. I don't want you getting sick!"

Wanting to go over and hug his best friend to comfort her, he reluctantly kept away. "OK, Trace. Just know I love you! Hope you get better soon!"

"Thanks, Joss!" she replied hoarsely. "You look really nice today, by the way! I like the cardigan! Can I borrow it when I get better?"

Laughing lightly, Josh smiled and nodded. "Sure thing, Trace! Heh! Funny, never thought we'd be borrowing each other's clothes!"

Giggling until she started coughing, Tracy nodded in agreement. Once she brought the cough under control, she answered, "You can borrow anything of mine you like! 'Course, it'll all be huge on you, skinny witch!" Suddenly an idea sparked in her head. "Hey! I bet you can wear the clothes I grew out of last year! Mom!" she yelled with her gravelly voice.

A few moments later, Joyce came into the room. "What is it, dear?"

"Mom! I had a totally great idea! Joss is about the same size I was a year or two ago. I bet she could wear some of the things I outgrew! I like the idea of my sister getting some of my old hand-me-downs!"

Skeptically, she looked at Josh and realized that he was in fact just about the size Tracy had been when she was ten and eleven. "I suppose so."

"You don't gotta do that, Aunt Joyce!" Josh protested. "I already got enough clothes that I won't need to re-wear anything for three or four weeks!"

"Then you definitely need more!" Joyce said with a smile. "Two months at very least... just to start!" Taking his hand, Josh turning to Tracy for help, the older woman dragged him from the room. "Come on, Jocelyn. Tracy needs her rest. I'll show you the box of her old things and we can go through them before you head home!"

Sighing in resignation, he went along quietly. "Bye, Trace! Get better!"

Tracy waved to him as her mother led Josh down the hall to the door into the garage. Moving a box, she opened one that was three feet square and half filled with clothes. Spending an hour going through the outfits, Josh ended up being glad he'd stayed as he walked home carrying a bag. It was filled with three pairs of designer jeans, six tops that were not very girly, four very plain skirts, and two pairs of leggings still wrapped in packaging; Tracy having outgrown them before even getting a chance to wear them.

Once home, he put them away in his closet and dresser. Since Joyce cleaned them before packing them away, they didn't need laundered again. Settling in, he decided to put off homework long enough to call Jennifer. Plopping down on the couch, he picked up the phone and dialed her number.

"Hello?" a woman answered.

"Hello." he answered. "Um... is Jennifer there? This is Jocelyn from school."

Hearing the smile over the phone, Josh was relieved to hear the woman being friendly. "Oh! Yes, Jenny said you might call. One moment, dear."

The line went quiet for a moment before Josh heard the girl's voice. "Hi, Jocelyn! Perfect timing!"

"Just finish your homework?" he asked.

"No, just about to start History!" she said with a laugh. "You saved me!"

The two giggled about that for a moment before Josh nervously bit his lower lip. "Um... I was wondering. Are... um... are you doing anything on Sunday? I don't have any plans and Tracy, she's my BFF, she's got a cold... so I was hoping that maybe we could..." His voice trailed off in nervousness.

"Um... well, we go to church on Sunday." the girl answered. "Don't you? Or did you mean after that?"

Feeling self-conscious of his parents' unwillingness to even discuss religion unless it was to complain about Christians, he took the easy way out. "Oh! I meant after!" Not sure how things worked, he probed delicately. "So, when do you get back?"

"Usually about noon." she explained. "Daddy takes us out to brunch after! It's so much fun!" Pausing a moment, she considered how to ask what she wanted to. "We go to a non-denominational church... the one on Spring Drive? It's a Christian service, just without being too strict when it comes to... um... I forget what it's called. You know, the details? They leave that up to the congregation to figure out for themselves. I don't suppose you'd want to join us, would you? Please say yes! It would be so cool if you were there for brunch! We get dressed up nice and everything! Even my little brother looks nice and behaves himself for like a whole hour!"

Unsure, Josh tried to think of a good reason why he shouldn't go, but came up blank. "Well, I'd need a ride. You live close to the school, right? I live five miles away. Bus twenty-two's route."

"We could pick you up!" she offered. "I'm sure Mom and Dad wouldn't mind! I'd love for you to meet them! They're pretty cool... for parents!"

Wondering how he could go without his parents learning where he was going, he hit on a different idea. "Where exactly do you live? I could just get a ride there. I wouldn't want to inconvenience your parents or anything." Noting down the address, he smiled. "Can you hang on a few while I ask?"

"Sure!" Jennifer said happily. "I'll go ask Mom if it's OK! Be right back!"

While Jennifer ran off to ask her mother, Josh ran upstairs and opened his laptop. Bringing up the city bus website, he found her address and the bus that ran nearest. Tracing back to his neighborhood, he found the bus went through there as well. Perfect! he thought. Hitting print on the route's Sunday schedule, he went downstairs and knocked on his father's doorframe.

His focus broken, Fred turned and smiled at Josh. "What's up, princess?"

"I printed a bus schedule." he stated without detail. "May I have it, please?"

Getting up, he went over to the printer and took out the paper. Reading it quickly, he walked over and handed it to Josh. "What's this for?" he asked.

"Um... I met a new girl at school!" he said honestly. "Her name's Jennifer and she's really nice! She lives close to the school and wants me to come over to her house on Sunday. Can I go, Daddy? Please! I'll dress nice, I'll behave like a perfect lady, and you and Mom won't even have to drop me off or pick me up! I can take the bus and I'll be safe the whole time! I'll have my phone with me and you always say that the bus is safer than if you drove me there yourself! Please?" He knew he was playing it risky, that his father might offer to pick him up and drop him off, but he felt confident in his ploy.

Sighing as he stared into Josh's pleading eyes, he shook his head. "I see I'm gonna be in trouble as you get older!" he admitted. "You're too cute! Just be sure to use your insidious powers for good and not evil!" he laughed. "Alright, so long as your mother agrees, which I'm sure I can convince her, you can go! Here." Picking up his wallet from the stand next to the door, he retrieved five one-dollar bills. "Just so you have money if you need it."

Taking the offered money, he wrapped his arms around his father's waist. "Thank you, Daddy! You're the best!" Running back to the phone with an unbreakable smile, he picked up the receiver. "Jenn?"

"Well?" Jennifer asked quickly. "Mom said she'd be happy to have you!"

"I asked Daddy and he said I could go! I'll just use the city bus, so no one needs to give me a ride or anything! What time do I need to be there?"

"Services start at nine. We usually leave about eight-thirty."

Scanning the bus schedule, he found the closest drop-off time before then and ran his finger back to the stop nearest his house. "Perfect! I can catch the eight o'clock bus and be at your house by eight-twenty!" Thinking of what she'd said earlier, he paused and asked, "Um... what should I wear? I don't know how dressed up you all get."

"Oh." Jennifer thought for a moment. "Well, Mom usually has me wear a nice dress. Not too fancy, but not casual clothes. Something like that overalls outfit you wore Monday would work! You looked really cute in that!"

Getting the idea, he smiled. "OK! So... I'll see you Sunday morning then!"

"I can't wait!" Jennifer glowed back. "Bye... Jocelyn!"

"Bye... Jennifer!" he answered back shyly as his heart accelerated at the way the girl said his name. Stopping and frowning for a moment, it dawned on him that it was the first time anyone had called him Jocelyn that he really liked hearing it. Smiling again as he put down the receiver, he skipped to the stairs before gliding up them in a haze of happiness to start his homework.

He spent until late Saturday morning going through his wardrobe, picking and discarding outfit after outfit, before frustratedly seeking out his mother. Finding her on the living room couch reading a book, he waited for her to see he was there.

Looking over the top of the pages, she smiled at him standing there patiently waiting in a jumper. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"Mom? You know Daddy told you I'm going to a friend's house tomorrow? I need help! I can't figure out what to wear!"

Laughing lightly as she got up, she took his hand and started toward the stairs. "Well, Miss Perfection... let's go see what your options are!"

After twenty minutes of hearing Josh say that this outfit was too casual and that dress was too formal, she finally threw her arms up. "I give up! Nothing I suggest is just right! You act like you're going on..." She stopped herself and looked at Josh with her eyes wide. "Jocelyn, sweetie... is this... a date?"

"No!" he protested. "I just want to look nice is all! Just not too nice."

Seeing his initial reaction, she sat on his bed and patted the coverlet for him to sit beside her. Once he had, she put an arm around him. "You like this girl... don't you, sweetie?"

"Of course, Mom!" he said emphatically. "Why else do you think I want to go over to her place?"

"No..." she explained. "I mean, you're attracted to her. Aren't you." she stated more than asked. "Does she like you the same way? Does she know your history? I mean... who we thought you were?"

His eyes widening at the idea, he leaned away from her as though she were crazy. "Mom! I'm only twelve, we only met on Friday, though Tracy's known her for years apparently, and we're just friends! And yes... she knows I used to be Josh! She's totally cool with it, though! So's her parents. She asked. They sound like people like you and Daddy... the supportive kind, I mean."

Smiling even as she pursed her lips in skepticism toward his insistence that they were only friends, she shook her head. "Alright, just friends. You want to look nice, just not overdressed... right?" Seeing him nod, she stood up and pulled him to his feet. "Alright then, grab your coat! We're going shopping!"

Six hours later, they returned with five new outfits. One, a matched floral knee-length skirt and blouse with a sweetheart neckline, another an off-white A-line dress with little pink flowers dotting it, two summer dresses, and the last a simple knee-length shift dress in dark blue with white piping. All five Josh considered perfect for a tween to wear to church... he hoped.

Hanging them in his closet, he pulled out the floral skirt and blouse and smiled. Perfect! he thought. Puzzling over his apparent happiness at wearing an outfit so girly, he wondered what it was that had changed. I guess I'm just learning to like being a girl! he hoped. Pondering that, his thoughts kept drifting to what Jennifer had said to him.

"You're way too pretty to hide it like that!"

Sighing at the memory, he found himself imagining dancing with Jennifer, then eating a nice dinner together... a walk through the park... and ending a night with the most perfect kiss in history.

Shaking himself from his reverie, he was stunned at the thought that he really was attracted to her. What was even weirder was that in his imaginings he was always dressed as a girl with her, and he'd liked it. Remembering himself dressed as a girl at school all week, he suddenly felt a knot in his stomach and that feeling of self-loathing again, except for Friday, and only after lunch.

Thinking about what he would wear on Monday, he was thinking of one of the pairs of jeans he'd gotten from Tracy and a nice pink top, he again hated the idea of wearing it to school. That is, until he imagined seeing Jennifer while wearing it, at which point his icky feeling melted into one of dreamy happiness. Experimenting with the idea, he imagined the same thing, but with Brenda, a girl he knew he liked, and the icky feeling came back.

"I'm crazy!" he mumbled. I still don't like being a girl... unless I'm with Jennifer... and it's not just because I like her. So what's my deal?

Shrugging and deciding he didn't care, he was just happy he'd found some way of dealing with his being backed into a corner by his parents. Putting away all his clothes other than the outfit he planned for the next morning, he headed for the shower. Scrubbing more thoroughly than normal, he spent extra time on his hair, washing it twice and conditioning it with a comb.

Remembering what the hairdresser Rachel had done, adding curls to his hair with a round brush and a blow dryer, he dried himself and headed for his room. After changing into a nightgown, he proceeded to dry his hair using the curling brush he found in his vanity. He'd barely begun when he saw his mother in the mirror.

"I knocked, but you couldn't hear me." she said with a smile once he'd turned off the dryer. "Would you like some help?" she offered. Seeing him nod shyly, she took the brush and dryer. "You'll have to fix it in the morning on your own." she stated as she began. "I'm not getting up at six in the morning to help you get ready for your not-a-date!"

Lying down in bed that night, he hoped that the next day would be half as wonderful as he imagined it could be. Drifting off to sleep, he dreamed of an unending dance, being held in Jennifer's arms as he looked into her hypnotically beautiful bright blue eyes.

It was the best dream he'd ever had.