Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

--

Josh could see the group of kids milling about around the bus stop. Coming to a halt, he very nearly chickened out and ran for home. His mother had offered to drive him to school, but he had refused.

"I gotta face 'em sooner or later, Mom." he pointed out as he ate his oatmeal.

"I just don't like the idea of you not being protected, sweetheart!" Melanie almost whined.

"Trace will be there!" he countered. "I'll be fine, Mom. I have to do this!" Not really talking to his mother when he said the last part, it was mostly directed at himself.

"Alright, sweetie." she sighed. "But I want you to call me if anything bad happens, OK?"

Steeling himself, he tugged gently on the denim skirt of his overalls outfit, wishing the skirt were just a little longer. He was wearing thick white tights, so his legs weren't visible, and the white long-sleeve top under the overalls covered him from neck to wrist, but he still felt almost naked. Forging ahead, he listened to the steady sound of his pink and white trainers striking the sidewalk as he closed the distance to the other kids.

Tracy saw him as he approached and ran up to him with a huge smile. "Hi, Joss! You look great!" she said as she reversed direction and walked along with him.

"Thanks!" he replied shakily. "You too!" Lowering his voice, he almost whispered, "Did you talk to David?"

Tracy nodded and sighed. "Yeah, but he's being a total jerk! He knows better than to pick on you, though. Mom made sure of that, but I wouldn't try to talk to him. Oh, Mom wanted to know if you were still planning on coming over to my house after school."

Josh nodded as the two approached the five other kids at the stop, one of whom only six days earlier had been his best friend, but now wouldn't even look at him. Pushing aside his feelings, he sighed as he stopped with Tracy beside him while the girl took out her phone and quickly texted her mother.

"OK, I let her know. She can't wait to meet you!" Tracy crowed. "When is your dad due back?"

"Wednesday afternoon." Josh answered softly, not wanting to attract too much attention. "He flew out this morning before I was even up. I wish he was here now."

"Already missing him?" Tracy asked as she spotted the approaching bus.

"Yeah." Josh said glumly. "He can be just as bad as Mom sometimes, but at least he listens to me some of the time!"

The bus pulled to a stop and he and Tracy lined up behind the other kids, David completely ignoring the two the entire time. Stepping on one at a time, Josh was last on and right behind Tracy. Making brief eye contact with the bus driver, he noticed Mary smile at him, so he responded in kind for just a moment before following his only friend down the isle and into the seat next to her.

Exhaling heavily as he kept his cool, he noticed several of the other kids looking at him funnily, like they were trying to figure out who the new girl was. Smiling back at them, they all seemed to lose interest quickly and turned back to their own friends.

"Well that wasn't too bad." he said barely above a whisper.

"Quit worrying!" Tracy said just as softly. "Everything'll be fine! You'll see!"

While the bus slowly made its way to the school, Josh repeated his internal mantra. I'm a girl. Everyone says so. I look pretty. I like being a girl. It's just easier this way. Everything will be fine! Even as he repeated the words in his head, he felt the self-loathing building.

The bus pulled to a stop at the school, Tracy and him joining the line of kids getting off as his heart raced with fear. At last when he stepped out and joined the crowd of kids making their way into the building, he felt Tracy take his hand and give it a squeeze. The two walked hand-in-hand together as they made their way inside. Knowing he had to stop at the office, he pulled away from her and let go of her hand.

"See you in first period!" Tracy said as she headed for her locker.

Entering the office, Josh walked up to the counter and waited for the school secretary to see him.

Mrs. White smiled as she saw the young 'girl' waiting to be seen. "Yes, dear? How may I help you?"

"I'm supposed to see Mr. Tanner." he stated quietly. "I have a note for him from my mother."

Confusedly, the woman looked at her list of meetings for the morning but didn't see a girl's name on it for the Vice-Principal. "I'm very sorry dear, Mr. Tanner is expecting to see a young man about now. I don't see you on his list. You'll have to wait until lunchtime, unless it's an emergency. What is it about?"

As Josh blushed embarrassedly, he was saved from having to explain by Mr. Tanner's voice. "It's alright, Mrs. White." he stated from his office door. "Show Miss Ryan in, please."

Her brows furrowing in further confusion, she looked at the name on her list and saw the last name was the same. "Are you Josh Ryan's sister?" she asked as she buzzed the gate open to let Josh in behind the counter.

Shaking his head sadly, he went through and followed the secretary to Mr. Tanner's office without saying a word.

"Thank you, Mrs. White." he said politely. "That will be all."

While the baffled woman returned to her work, Josh took a seat across the desk from the Vice-Principal. "Here." he stated softly. "It's from my mom."

Taking the envelope, he removed the letter, read it briefly, and placed it on his desk. "Do you know what this says, Jocelyn?" he asked. Seeing Josh shake his head slowly, he nodded. "When your parents enrolled you here, we received a letter from Dr. Williams, your psychiatrist. In it he laid out that you were likely transgendered and that we should consider you as such until such time as you told us otherwise. Looking at you now, and having talked with your mother last week, I see that you've made your decision."

Josh's eyes widened. He knew Dr. Williams as a co-worker in his mother's office, but Josh had never seen him as a patient. Slowly he realized that his mother must have convinced the psychiatrist to rubber stamp a letter for her that he was transgendered without even seeing the man. Melanie was going to force him to be a girl no matter what.

"This note that you just handed me is a copy of the filing to change your name with the county probate court. According to policy, we're supposed to wait until the court officially changes your name, however I see no need to stand on the letter of district policy here. It's quite obvious that calling you Josh now would not only be cruel, but also quite incorrect!" he smiled.

"The Principal, Dr. Fredricks, will have a talk with your teachers to explain. They all know your correct name already, and have been instructed to treat you as a girl at all times. I'm telling you this because I want you to feel that she and I are on your side, here. Any questions?"

Feeling helpless and overwhelmed, Josh just shook his head.

"Well then!" he smiled. "Let's get you to class before you're tardy!"

Walking with Josh, he handed the secretary the letter and instructed her to go ahead and change all of Josh's school records over to his new name. As Josh was walking out the door with him, the boy looked back at Mrs. White who stared back in shock, not able to believe that he was in fact, Josh Ryan.

While the two walked toward Josh's locker, Mr. Tanner explained a few of the differences now that he was going to school as a girl. "You can't use the boys' rooms any more, Jocelyn. However, you might not want to use the girls' bathrooms either. This school has four special needs bathrooms. Do you know where they are?"

Nodding, Josh gulped. "I... I have to use the handicapped bathrooms?"

"Special Needs." he corrected Josh. "We don't use that term here."

"Yes, sir." Josh replied.

Approaching his locker, the man continued. "You should use either the coach's office to change for PE or the special needs bathroom in the gym. You'll be following the school curriculum for girl's PE, but you can't use the girls' locker room. It's not safe. As far as this school is concerned, you are a girl. If you use the girls' restrooms or locker room though, you might be harassed or bullied and we don't want that."

Josh opened his locker only to have a note fall out and onto the floor. Just as he was about to pick it up, Mr. Tanner got to it first. "Is this yours?" he asked curiously.

"Um... yes!" he stated as he took the note and stuffed it in his pack. Getting the things he needed for the first half of the day, Josh closed the locker and followed the man toward his first period class, just as the bell rang indicating three minutes until class began.

"What's your first class?" he asked Josh.

"Home Ec." he answered as they made their way.

"The class is called Family & Consumer Sciences, Jocelyn." he corrected Josh as he subtly changed direction toward the right hallway.

Walking the rest of the way in silence, Josh noticed Brenda looking at him as she went in the Home Economics room down the hall ahead of him.

"I think I'm fine from here, Mr. Tanner." Josh sighed. "You can't guard me every period!"

Nodding at him and smiling, he silently watched Josh walk in the classroom before turning back toward the office.

As soon as Josh entered the room, all talking stopped as more than two dozen girls stared at him in wide-eyed awe. Making his way to his desk, he sat gracefully and glanced over at Tracy to his left, happy to see her genuine smile. Glancing around nervously, he spotted Brenda just behind him on the right. She was looking at him with a confused expression, as though trying to reconcile the idea of Josh in a skirt with the reality.

When the bell rang starting class, Josh just tried his best to focus on his work and the lesson of the day; Introduction to Nutrients. When the class neared the end and Josh found himself with nothing else to do, he reached into his pack and retrieved the note that had fallen from his locker.

Opening it, he puzzled over it for a few minutes before putting it back.

At last the bell rang ending class and the girls all got up to go to their second period classes. Josh hung back with Tracy and watched as Brenda left the room, stealing glances at him at every opportunity.

"I got a weird note in my locker." Josh explained as he walked with Tracy.

"What did it say?"

"It was just some expressions, some from the Bible, I think." he answered.

"Let me guess, all stuff about burning in hell or something?" Tracy sneered.

"No." Josh explained. "That's the weird part. They were all about love, not passing judgement, and other nice stuff! Some I never heard of!"

"Huh." Tracy puzzled. "Did they sign it?"

"No, but I know it was from a girl." he answered as they turned a corner. "Boys, I mean other than ones like me, don't write that nice."

The two went their own ways, Josh walking for the first time alone through the halls. He saw Reggie spot him from a long way off. Oh no! he groaned to himself. Quickly increasing his pace, he made it to the gym before Reggie could get near him. PE was just like it had been the previous Tuesday, the only difference being his gym outfit, which consisted of the girl's shorts and top instead of the boy's gear.

Going on to choir, Josh noticed the girls in his section looking him over. Blushing, he just tried to ignore their stares. By the time he got to his history class, he wasn't even paying attention to the stares, whispers, or thinly veiled tittering from the kids around him. Sitting next to Tracy, he was glad to see her smile. Returning it, he glanced over at Brenda who seemed to be ignoring him. Going through the motions, he found it difficult to focus on his work, oftentimes finding himself daydreaming, pretending he was just another boy.

When the bell rang for lunch, he walked with Tracy to their lockers, only to see David there ahead of them.

"You go on ahead, Trace." he offered. "I... I'll wait until he leaves."

"No, Joss!" she insisted. "You have every right to go to your own locker!" Taking his hand, Tracy nearly had to pull him along.

Walking up to the lockers, Josh glanced over at David, who had his back turned. Putting in his combination, Josh opened the locker and put away his pack and retrieved his lunch while Tracy did the same. None of them spoke. Before Josh was done, David slammed his locker closed and walked off in silence.

"Jerk!" Tracy said as she closed her own locker. "He's just butt-hurt 'cause you're a girl and he hates most girls!"

Josh gently pushed his locker closed and joined Tracy in walking toward the cafeteria. "It's not like I chose this!" he grumbled. "Oh, and you'll love this latest news. Mom got Dr. Williams at her office to sign off on me, sight-unseen. So now I really have no choice!"

"I thought you were learning to like it?" she asked confusedly.

"I'm trying to." he admitted. "I just don't like being railroaded into it! I wish things could just go back to the way they were before. Everyone just keeps staring at me and whispering behind my back!"

"They're just jealous 'cause you're so pretty!" Tracy tried to cheer him up, not realizing it had the opposite effect.

Taking their seats in the lunch area, they passed the time in silence while no one else sat near them. Finally, as they were almost done, Josh looked around at the empty seats at their table. "You keep hanging around me and you'll ruin your social standing, Trace. You'll be as big a social outcast as me!"

"I don't care!" Tracy said with a huff. "You're my sister and best friend... and BFFs don't abandon each other!"

His last few classes were just a repeat of the first four. Nobody talked to him, everybody stared, and nothing bad happened. When at last it came time to go home, he met Tracy at their lockers just as David was leaving.

"Fine! Tell the freak I hope she enjoys being the laughing stock of the whole school! Just keep it away from my room!" David snapped at his sister as he stormed off.

"Ooo! That complete..." Tracy began as she turned around and saw Josh. "Joss! You heard that... didn't you?"

Nodding, he opened his locker and collected his things. "It's fine. I won't bother him. I just wanna get on with life and hope everything settles down."

Walking toward the front of the building together, Josh noticed a girl in the courtyard standing and looking at him. While he'd gotten used to being stared at, he noticed she wasn't staring, just watching him. When she noticed him looking back at her, she suddenly looked embarrassed and turned away.

"Trace? See the girl by the tree? The one in the long black skirt?"

Looking where he'd indicated, she nodded. "Yeah. What about her?"

"Who is she?" he asked. "She was looking at me. Watching me."

"That's Jennifer Healy. She's in my math class and went to my Intermediate school. I thought you said everyone was staring today?"

"She was different, though." he said as they walked toward their bus. "She wasn't staring... just... kinda watching... and when she saw I was looking back, she looked away.

"Weird." Tracy noted.

Climbing on the bus, they saw only one seat still completely free. Taking it quickly, the two chatted together until they reached their stop. When Josh stood up to get off, he found himself face to face with David trying to do the same. Unable to get out of his way, and seeing the look of anger in the boy's eyes, Josh turned and quickly walked off the bus, hearing David right on his heels as he fought to keep from crying at the loss of one of his oldest friends.

Stepping clear of the door and jogging the opposite direction from Tracy's house, Josh stopped after he was behind the bus and only then turned to see David stalking his way home. Sniffing back the tears, he watched Tracy walk up to him.

"Joss! Are you OK?"

"No!" he answered, wiping a tear away just as it escaped his right eye. "He hates me! David hates me! And now I'm supposed to go over to your place until Mom gets home from work!"

"Come on." Tracy said, taking his hand again and smiling. "Let's go. Mom is dying to see you!"

Walking the short distance to Tracy's house, they could see David ahead of them, the boy storming into the Edwards house while they were still a few houses away. Slowly wandering up, the two finally reached Tracy's front door and went in.

"Mom!" Tracy yelled. "We're here!"

Joyce Edwards walked into the entryway from the hall leading off to the bedrooms where Tracy and David had their rooms. Seeing 'Jocelyn' for the first time, she stopped and looked at him from head to toe with a stunned expression. Finally shaking herself free of the spell, Joyce smiled at him warmly. "It's very nice to finally meet you, Jocelyn!" she said happily. "I must say, I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. You're lovely!"

Feeling the sting of the compliment after his near confrontation with David, Josh pushed the feelings away and smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Edwards." he said shyly. Looking up at the woman with her curly red hair from a bottle and fair complexion, he tried to look the woman in her bright green eyes.

"Mrs. Edwards?" she replied. "Sweetie, you've been calling me Aunt Joyce for years! No reason to stop now!" As she talked, she approached the two, finally standing in front of the child she'd known since age three. Taking him in a hug, she stepped back and turned to walk in the kitchen. "You two want a snack? I'm making one for David who's exiled himself to his room!"

"Thanks, Mom!" Tracy said as she led Josh through the kitchen and into the dining room. "We'll be in here doing homework!"

After fixing them a few finger sandwiches, and delivering a plate to David's room, she brought them their snack and sat at the dining room table with the two apparent girls. Seeing a moment when the two took a break from their assignments, she took the opportunity to talk.

"Jocelyn? I want to apologize for David's behavior." she stated seriously. "You don't deserve it. He's being very petty!"

"That's OK, Aunt Joyce." he answered, finishing his bite. "I understand. Dave doesn't have to like me. I'm different than I used to be."

Watching him closely, Joyce shook her head. "No... not really. Other than the clothes, which you look very nice in by the way, you're still the same wonderful... girl... that you've always been!" her pause a very obvious near pronoun slip that she'd managed to avoid.

Josh smiled when she nearly called him a boy, only cementing further into Joyce's mind that he was still a happy child and was just being grateful to her for calling him a girl.

"May I ask you something?" Joyce asked delicately. "If you'd rather not talk about it, just let me know, but I was wondering... when did you know?"

"Know what?" Josh asked innocently.

"Well... that you were... a girl." she stated plainly.

Unsure how to answer, Josh tried to find a way of putting it that wasn't an outright lie. "Well, to be honest I'm not really sure. I'm just me and I've always just been me. It's not like I woke up one day and suddenly went, 'Oh. I'm a girl.' or anything."

"Huh." she pondered his answer. "But when did you know you were... well... different... from other boys?"

"Oh, I've always known that!" he said with an honest grin, happy that she'd essentially just called him a boy. "I think the first time I really felt different was in Kindergarten. Until then, the only boy I really knew well was... um... was Dave." he finished with a note of sadness as he took another bite of sandwich.

Sighing heavily, Joyce just looked at Josh for a moment. "Thank you." she said finally.

"For what?" he asked curiously.

"For being you!" she said with a smile.

Letting the two get back to their assignments, the afternoon passed quickly. Once done, they went into Tracy's room and played as they always had, taking turns picking what board games to play as they simply enjoyed each other's company. When Melanie arrived to take him home, she was pleased to see them getting along just as they always had, watching them play for a few minutes without either of them noticing her or Joyce's presence.

"OK, girls!" Joyce said at last. "Time for Jocelyn to head home!"

Looking up and seeing his mother there, he was suddenly brought back to reality. The whole time he'd been playing with Tracy, he'd forgotten he was supposed to be a girl. Even Tracy's new nickname for him was so close to his old name that he hardly heard the difference.

For her part, Melanie took his abrupt mood shift to be simple disappointment that he had to stop playing with Tracy, never knowing the real reason he suddenly looked so sad.

The rest of the evening proceeding uneventfully, Josh went to bed and closed his eyes, hoping against hope that he would wake up and find it had all been a bad dream and he would find himself still at summer camp.

When his alarm woke him to the same reality he'd fallen asleep to, he nearly cried in frustration. Taking a shower and getting dressed, this time in a pair of black slacks and a simple white blouse, he still made sure to style his hair correctly and picked out some simple rhinestone earrings. Looking himself over, and seeing nothing but a girl in the mirror, he found himself almost angry with his impossible situation.

Going through the motions, he went to school and tried to focus, but found school much less fun than he used to. Hardly paying attention, he was in a fog most of the time, continually thinking about how much better things would be if he could just be a boy again. No one harassed him all day, and going home to Tracy's house was thankfully free of run-ins with David. Once more he forgot he had to be a girl as he played with Tracy before his mother came to collect him.

Depression settling in as he got ready for bed again, he wondered how long he could keep it up. As he lay down in his canopy bed, he began to worry when his parents would try to put him on hormone blockers, making sleep very restless that night as he had nightmares of growing breasts the size of basketballs. Getting up in a grumpy mood, he almost stomped into the bathroom to get clean.

Going back into his room, he forced himself to stop and look at himself in the mirror with nothing on except a towel.

I'm a girl. he sighed as he looked at his body. It's so not fair! What boy looks like I do? He sighed as he opened his closet, looking for something to wear for the warmer weather expected. Opting for a light knee-length floral skirt and a poet blouse with lace around the neckline, he brushed out his hair and put on a pair of white pearl stud earrings. Looking himself over, he sighed as his heart filled with self-loathing and anger at the world for ending up in such a horrible state.

Unlike David, he didn't have anything against girls. He quite liked them, in fact. More than just as girlfriend material, they made better friends, were nicer, and he could relate to them better. Everything about me says I'm a girl. he pondered as he looked himself over and judged himself quite pretty. I think like a girl, I talk like a girl, I write like a girl, I laugh like a girl, I cry like a girl, I throw and run like a girl... So why do I hate being one? It just doesn't make any sense!

Reaching the bus stop, he saw to his horror that Tracy wasn't there, but David was. Walking up to the assembled kids, he waited alone for a few minutes and kept watching down the street to see if she was coming, but saw nothing of his sole friend and ally. Pulling out his phone, he texted her quickly.

Trace? Where are you? The bus will be here soon!

It only took a moment for the reply to come.

i have a stupid cold! sry! begged mom to go anyway, but she said no way. let me know if you need me. luv u sis! xxx

Gulping in fear, he realized this would be his first full day of possibly many ahead where he would be totally and completely alone.