by Little Katie

Part 3
Not as Bad as She Thought

---

Well, here is part 3. Still in the hospital. This should be the last installment taking place completely at the hospital. I was hoping to have her home by now, but things got longer than I thought. Enjoy.

---

Emily lay on the hospital bed in the room by herself, a few days after waking from her coma. Visiting hours had ended and though her parents could have stayed, they returned home, trying to get life back into order. It would still be a few days before she would be allowed to go home.

The bandages had been removed from her head and groin, but she still felt afraid to look. A nurse came every few hours to put some ointment on her wounds. She didn't feel as sore as she had been the last few days, but still, some pain lingered. She sipped on a can of apple juice and tried not to think about things, but sometimes that was just not possible.

"This is so unfair, why do I got to be a girl now, for a whole year, too. It’s the worst punishment ever," she told herself.

She tried again to think of something else. "Why didn’t Jessie tell me she liked me before all this happened, maybe if she did I wouldn’t of wanted to play baseball, I would of stayed with her." That wasn't so good either but it suggested something else to her.

"I can’t believe she kissed me." Emily thought as she closed her eyes and relived the moment. Seeing Jessie’s face get big and move in closer, feeling her soft lips lightly touch her own, tasting a hint of raspberry, hearing a gently smacking sound as the kiss ended.

Feelings welled up inside of Emily, feelings she couldn’t yet explain or even put a name to. A warmth grew in her stomach, and goose bumps lined her arms. She sighed and smiled, just remembering being with the girl she may have been in love with her whole life.

"Thinking of something nice, sweetie?" asked nurse Rose, the same nurse that had had a little talk with her a few days ago.

Emily blushed, "No, well, maybe." The child’s face went beet red at this point and the nurse sat down next to her.

"It must be a boy then," the nurse grinned, teasing her. "Thinking of someone cute?"

"No!" Emily protested, "That’s just gross!"

The nurse laughed, "You’re young yet, boys get better, trust me, honey."

"I won’t ever like a boy like that, never, ever."

"Oh, a girl then, don’t worry, sweetie, some girls are like that." The nurse smiled, reassuringly.

Emily blushed again, feeling that nurse Rose could read her like a book.

"Well, I bet she is a very lovely girl, just like you," Rose went on.

"But, I’m a..." Emily stopped mid sentence, "Oh, yeah, like me, I keep forgetting."

The nurse smiled again, and fussed with Emily's hair, "You know what?"

"What?"

"You’re going to be some looker, once that scar heals, all the boys and girls are going to be jealous of you."

Emily blushed again, she hadn’t really thought of that. Maybe she could be more popular or get to go to the cool parties. All the girls got invited to them.

"Okay, speaking of scars, let's fix you up." The nurse put a drop of ointment on her fingers and gently massaged it into Emily’s forehead. Emily winced in pain but held in tears the best she could. "Don’t worry sweetie, this will make it heal better and tomorrow these stitches come out anyway. Now, let's take care of the others." Nurse Rose pulled down the covers and neatly folded them and placed them on a chair. "Okay, Princess, lift the nighty up." She giggled, reading the nickname on the nighty that Emily had worn almost everyday since she woke up from her coma.

Emily turned her head and lifted up her nightgown. She didn’t want to look down there and see. The nurse gently massaged the ointment in, taking special care here where things were even more tender. Emily cried, she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to, but tears streamed down her delicate face. It wasn’t so much the pain that she cried about; she cried for the part of her now missing.

"Sweetie, I’m done."

Emily kept crying, even though the pain had mostly stopped. Nurse Rose sat on the bed and held her. Emily put her head on the nurse’s chest and cried. The nurse gently rocked the child, "It's going to okay, honey," she told the little girl.

"No, it won’t be okay, I hate that."

"Hate what, sweetie?" Rose asked, not sure if Emily meant the comment or something else.

"What’s between my legs now."

"How can you hate it, you didn’t even see it? It's quite remarkable, you know."

"I don’t want to see it. Anyway I saw it the other day and I never want to see it again."

"It doesn’t bite you know." Rose said while making a snarly face and pretending to bite at air.

"Don’t make me laugh, I know you are trying."

"You know what I think, I think you are afraid to see it, I think you know you will see it and like it and that scares you."

"No way, boys aren’t scared of anything."

"Then why don’t you just look, if you are so brave?"

"Okay, I will then."

Emily pulled away from the nurse's embrace and sat up in the hospital bed, her nighty already up to her waist from getting the ointment, her child's legs bare and her groin exposed. She closed her eyes for a second, and realized that she could feel the cool air blowing on her new skin. It sent a sensation through her body just thinking about it. She slowly opened her eyes and bent forward.

She pulled the nighty up further and looked at her new anatomy. A few stitches remained of the area that had once been her willy. She looked further down where she could see a small slit. It was pink all around the middle and it didn’t open as much as she had imagined. She had actually never seen what a girl looked like and the misconceptions of youth didn’t prepare her for reality.

"Is that all it is?" Emily asked.

Nurse Rose laughed, "Yes, what were you expecting?"

"Where’s the hole?"

"What hole?"

"For the willy to go into, isn’t there suppose to be a hole, I thought it was all it was, was just a hole."

The nurse smiled. "Silly girl, it's there, it's just not on the surface, it's behind those folds. But you're right about how a boy and girl make a baby." Still smiling she touched the young girl's face, "Now, was looking at yourself down there so bad?"

"No, I guess not," Emily admitted. "It still looks weird."

"That’s because it's still healing and you aren’t use to seeing it. Do you think a boy's 'willy' doesn’t look weird to a girl?"

Emily blinked at the nurse. "I never thought about what a girl would think."

"Well, now you will, won’t you?"

"I guess, I don’t have a choice."

"You do, but I think you already made it."

"What do you mean?"

"Um, look down." Nurse Rose giggled.

Emily looked down, she noticed that she had been -- petting -- her new anatomy, and hadn’t even realized it. Nothing vulgar, just her three fingers barely grazed over the slit, the light touch felt rather good. Emily blushed and pulled her nighty back down. "I’m so sorry,"

"Sweetie, don’t worry, we all do that at least once in a while. Get your rest and try to keep your hands where we can see them." Nurse Rose laughed as she placed a clean blanket on top of Emily.

Emily placed her hands on top of the blanket and at her sides, blushing even more then before. As the nurse went to leave the room, Emily stopped her. "Ma’am."

"Yes, sweetie."

"Thank you."

"Such a polite little girl."

"I'll try to be." Not only did it shock Emily to hear herself say that, it shocked her even more to realize she sincerely meant it.

The nurse closed the door and the room grew quiet again. Emily put her hand back under the blanket. She slowly felt the new skin, touching the area but not pressing down, that might have hurt. It felt strange and exciting to be touching her new self in this way.

After a few seconds she stopped. "I guess this is me now, a little girl. Maybe it won’t be bad." She shook her head, trying to dislodge that thought.

"What am I saying? Am I nuts? I don’t know anymore. It's so different then what my friends said it looked like, bunch of fibbers. I just got a year, then I pick. I wonder how Jessie got use to being a girl."

Emily turned her head to the side and closed her eyes. She pictured the kiss she had shared with her friend, again and again. "We should of opened our mouths and did a grown up kiss," she blushed as she pictured the idea. Slowly and gently she drifted off to sleep, smiling.

In the morning, Emily awoke to find her mom fussing with her hair. "Did I wake you, Princess?" her mom whispered.

"No, I was getting up anyways." It bothered her just a little that she didnt blush at the nickname this time.

"How are you doing, sweetie?" her mom asked.

"I’m bored, I want to go home." Emily tried not to pout or whine.

"Soon, baby, soon."

"Why do I got to stay here, it's so boring."

"Well, today the stitches come out and they want to keep you overnight for observation, then tomorrow you can come home, okay?"

"Another day?"

"Yes, just one more day, then you can come home and live your life again."

"Cool." Emily smiled at the thought of getting out of the hospital and being back to her own room and her toys.

"I bought something special for when you leave tomorrow also, I hope you don’t mind."

"What did you get me, oh boy?" Emily still loved to get little gifts from her parents, just as most children her age.

Her mom went to the closet and pulled out a white dress that had a pink border around the waist to separate the top from the skirt.

"What in the world is that?" Emily asked a little afraid she knew the answer.

"I thought you would like to look pretty for when you left here."

The little girl shook her head firmly. "I’m not wearing that."

"Honey, you said you would give it a year."

"But, I didn’t say I’d wear stuff like that."

"It’s what girls wear, don’t you want to look pretty?"

"No, can’t I wear jeans, or pants?" The pout and the whine threatened to come back.

"Baby, you can’t wear anything coarse like jeans, you still need some healing down there."

"So, I don't have no choice, again," Emily said, a bit sarcastially to cover her pain and embarrassment.

"You mind your tone, young lady," her mother warned. Emily's parents doted on their child but backtalk would be tolerated only in extremities such as that first night after Emily woke up.

"Sorry, Mommy." Emily sheepishly replied as she realized that she had, in fact, been out of line.

"We understand this is tough, it's tough on us all. Your dad and I want you to be happy, haven’t we always?"

"Yes, but..."

"But, nothing," her mom interrupted, a little exasperated. "We know it's hard to let go of the past, but believe me, what we are asking you to do is for the best, okay?"

"But, people will see me!" Emily wanted her mom to understand.

"What’s wrong with that? People will see a pretty girl in a pretty dress."

"But, my friends will make fun of me." Now that objection she knew would never work.

"Then they wouldn’t be such great friends after all, now would they?"

Emily sighed. She could have expected that answer. "No," she admitted.

"And, you are going to have to tell them sooner or later."

"You didn’t tell them?"

"No, we thought it would be best for you to do that."

"How?"

"Well, I would try telling the truth, they will understand."

"I hope."

"Me too, baby." Emily’s mom went over to the bed and hugged her.

They laid the dress on top of her, the skirt seemed long enough that it would go to the knees. Emily touched the fabric. It was very soft and silky. It was light too, she could not remember ever wearing something that felt so delicate. Emily ran her hand through the skirt and started crying.

"What’s wrong, baby."

"I don’t know if I can do this." She shook her head and tears ran down her cheeks.

"Do what baby?"

"Get used to all this, being a girl stuff."

"We will help you." Her mother used a tissue to wipe Emily's eyes.

"But, everything is so different."

"Not everything."

"The clothes are, my body is, the way I’m going to have to act is. What’s not different?"

"Let's see," said her mother, putting an arm around her. "The fact that dad and I still love you, the person you are under all that skin, that sweet, honest, wonderful person I gave birth to. Those are all the same, all the things that made you an awesome son, are going to make you an awesome daughter."

"But, I’m scared."

"We know, and we are going to be there for you, every step of the way."

"Oh, Mom." Emily through her arms around her mothers neck and sobbed on her shoulder. Her mom gently rubbed her back and tried to be reassuring as possible. They had to cuddle each other around the pregnant woman's bulging middle.

They stayed that way awhile, just holding each other and reassuring and being reassured. Finally a nurse entered the room, pushing a wheelchair. "Time to get those stitches out," she announced cheefully.

They placed Emily in the wheelchair and rolled her down the hall, her mom walking one step behind. They came to a surgical room and wheeled Emily inside.

The doctor informed Emily's mother that she would have to wait outside. Though mother and child both objected, the doctor said it would be for the best.

The actual removing of the stitches took only a short while, maybe ten minutes at most. They began with the stitches in her forehead. The bright light scared Emily because it blinded her, it had to be pointed so the doctor and the nurse could see everything and this meant that it shone right in Emily's face. With her eyes closed, she could only feel the doctor cut and remove the stitches. She stayed as still as possible, even though every instinct told her to flinch, or even jump off the table and run away.

"Now, lift your gown and lay back." the doctor told Emily in a demanding tone.

Emily followed doctor's orders. She lay back on the table, and the paper they had put down crinkled under her body. The doctor spread her legs and put her feet on two little rests Emily had not noticed before. She got very self conscious, this would be the first time a guy had seen her as a girl, at least while she was conscious of it.

It made her very uncomfortable, not at all like last night with the nurse, where it had almost seemd like a game. The doctor acted much more cold and matter of fact. She watched as he removed the stitches though she could not see as well as last night, her position made things convenient to the doctor not her. His big, but somehow delicate hands were just above her new anatomy she knew. Her legs began to tremble as the doctor removed the last of the stitches. Her lips quivered in fear, this was something she would be glad to have over.

"All done, sweetheart," the doctor told her finally. "Just lay back and relax a little bit and I'll get your mom in here, all right?"

"Yes, sir." Emily said in a shaky voice. She lay there with her feet still in the rests on the side of the table. The nurse patted her leg a little reassuringly.

Her mom came in and saw her baby tremblin on the table.

"It’s a little traumatizing for some children." The doctor explained.

"She’s strong, she’ll get over it quick," her mom said as she moved quickly to Emily's side.

"Anyway, I wanted you to see my work, before we bandage the area for a little while." The doctor moved closer also.

Emily didn't like being on display one bit, even if it was for her mother. She was instructed to keep her legs spread wide while the doctor pointed out the structures to her mom, explaining what he had done during the surgery. He used a lot of big words that Emily didn’t understand. Finally, he pulled the new anatomy apart to show how things looked inside. Emily felt so embarrassed, she started to cry.

"I see," Emily’s mom said as the doctor went on explaining. She felt a little stunned herself, "I think we should stop now, Emily is very scared and I’m sure you can tell me the rest without the visuals."

"Ah, yes. Usually, when a procedure of this nature occurs, the patient is much older and curious about the feelings down there. Forgive me," the doctor sounded as if he realized he had been callous and maybe even cruel. "I forgot the nature of this particular operation for a moment. I’m so used to dealing with more mature patients."

"That’s okay" Her mom wanted to say more, much more, but decided to accept the doctor's explanation as an apology. The doctor left and the nurse got ready to transport Emily back to her room but left the child and her mother alone for some time to recover their dignity.

"Are you okay Baby?"

"I guess," Emily cried a little, still hurting from the embarrassment.

"I know that wasn’t very pleasant, but you were very brave and I am proud of you."

"Is everyone going to touch that like that?"

"No ,baby, when it's time, A long time from now," her mother emphasized, "it will be something that you will do with a boy and it will be gentle and feel wonderful, trust me."

"The doctor touching that didn’t feel good at all."

"Well, doctors have a way of doing that," her mother admitted. "But you can’t keep calling it ‘that’"

"What do I call it, the only word I know you will wash my mouth out with soap." Emily complained.

Her mother laughed, "Well, we can call it a couple of things, what do you prefer? We can call it a cunny, or call it your honey or cookie or peach?"

"Cookie? Honey? Peach? What is it, something to eat?" Emily tried to make a joke.

It must have been funny, Emily’s mom almost hit the floor laughing so hard. "You’ll find that out when you are older. Maybe for now we should stick to cunny. Is that okay?" she finally managed to ask.

Emily had laughed too, though, she wasn't exactly sure why. "Okay, Mom," she said as she adjusted her nightgown again, still wanting to be sure things were completely covered up.

The nurse came back and they wheeled Emily back to her room. She was able to get in bed by herself now, and sat up talking to her mom.

"I got to go soon," her mother said finally, "but I wanted to ask you something."

"Okay, is it something bad?" Emily asked.

"No, it doesn’t have to be."

"Just ask," Emily huffed, trying not to worry.

"Well, your dad and I wanted to redo your room before you got home."

"Um, how bad is it going to be?"

"Honey, not bad at all, just something special for our little girl."

"But Mom, can you -- I mean you're about to bust." Emily felt a little put out that her mother seemed to be looking forward to doing this so much.

"Oh, I’ll be fine."

"I don’t know."

"Oh, please honey, we got all the supplies already, and your dad is looking forward to it. Just for the year, part of the deal, if you don’t like it after a year, we will let you decorate it next."

"Um, well maybe."

"Come on, be a sport, we’ll get you a stereo for yourself, too."

"Really," Emily considered. "I’ve been asking for years for a stereo, will you get the one from Sears with all the lights?"

"You got it, sweetie."

"Okay, I guess you can" Emily beamed, more excited than what she let her words reveal. They were probably going to do this anyway but at least she would get the stereo she wanted out of it.

"Well, we better get started, by the way you may get a visitor later." Her mom said as she winked.

"Can’t wait." Emily kissed her mom and watched her leave.

Emily watched the early morning soaps. Not really paying attention to the plot, but not finding anything else on she felt stuck watching.

"I hope Jessie gets here soon," she thought "it’s so boring here. Maybe she’ll kiss me again. Maybe something more." Emily laughed and dozed off.

It was around four o’clock when Emily’s mom came back.

"Hey, sweetie, I got you a happy meal. Figured you might be tired of the hospital food." Her mom said presenting the small bag.

"Oh boy, I’m starved." Lunch in the hospital had been uninspired and Emily hadn't eaten much. She neatly took the hamburger and small fries out. She took the small toy out too, it was a miniature doll with lots of hair and a small comb.

"Mom!" she exclaimed and then laughed, "I love it." She shook her head still smiling a little ruefully and placed the doll on the side of the bed.

"I saw a little friend heading over here, so I’m going to let you two be alone."

Her mom left and called over to someone that it was okay to visit. But in through the door didn’t come Jessie. Emily was a little disappointed, but tried not to show it. Instead Sean came in. Sean from her little league team was a large boy, and not very popular with the other kids on the team. It wasn’t that he wasn’t nice, it's just that his size made him the target of a lot of jokes, and he didn’t handle that well. He came and sat down next to the bed.

"How you doing, John, looks like you got messed up good." Sean said trying to make a half joke out of it.

Emily hadn’t been called by her former name since waking from the coma, it almost seemed odd to hear it again. "I’m okay," she said. "I’m not as sore as I was, I might go home tomorrow."

"Yeah, they try to keep you here forever, I think they put something in the food to make you stay longer." Sean laughed.

"Yeah, it’s pretty bad."

"We missed you playing baseball, no one drops a fly ball just like you."

Emily laughed. "We can’t all play first base and not move," she joked back.

"I hear you won’t play the last game next week, will you at least come and dress out?"

"I don’t know, I guess." Emily hadn't thought about it till then.

"Come on, you got to, it will be fun, we can make jokes about the other team, it sucks to do it on your own."

"I’ll try, it’s up to my parents."

"Hey, I just noticed something."

"What?"

"Your shirt says ‘princess’, did you know it said that?"

"Yeah, I saw it yesterday, it’s because..."

"Don’t tell me," Sean interrupted, "you're not one of them," Sean made an over exaggerated motion of bending his hand and fluttering his eyes.

"No!" Emily exclaimed, "it's because..."

"You don’t have to explain, hospitals do screwy stuff all the time, I think it's because they like to mess with you. When I got my tonsils out they put me in a gown so big, it looked like you could fit in three more of me."

"Yeah, I remember you telling me," Emily laughed.

"Don’t worry I won’t tell any of the guys, they probably wouldn’t quit."

"What is everyone saying about all this?"

"Nothing, just that it's messed up, and you're in the hospital with stitches in your melon."

"Nothing else?"

"No, why, is there something else?"

"No, you know how lies get started, I was just making sure. Hey, where are all the others anyway, you’re the only one to visit."

"You know them, to busy with their own stuff to care about anyone else."

"Why did you come? Did your parents make you? It’s not like we been real close friends."

"Well, we can be friends, can’t we?"

"Yeah, sure, Why not?" Emily smiled.

Sean smiled back. "Awesome, that’s why I came, no one had to make me. It was just right to come, I guess."

"Cool, I’m glad you did. I don’t know if to many guys are going to stay my friend."

"Why?"

"I can’t tell you right now."

"Okay, well just don’t go wearing that shirt, princess." Sean laughed. Emily just smirked, trying to go along with the joke that had become her reality.

"Yeah." Emily said.

The two watched some of the early afternoon cartoons. Making jokes about the commercials. Emily felt a little uncomfortable though, knowing that there was a huge secret inside her, but too afraid to let it out. She didn’t want to be made fun of, and could not think of how to bring the subject up.

After an hour of cartoons Sean had to head back home and Emily’s mom came back to the room.

"Mom?" Emily said in almost a whisper.

"Yes, dear?"

"You didn’t tell people I was a girl did you?"

"We did to the people that count."

"But, what about my friends?"

"Well, that’s something you have to do, don’t you think"

"I guess."

"They are your friends and didn’t we have this conversation last night?"

"I know, but what if they make fun of me?"

"Didn’t we agree that if they did then, they aren’t very good friends?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, did you enjoy your meal and your visit?"

"I guess."

"You are certainly doing a lot of guessing lately, aren’t you?" But mom smiled to show she didn't mean that to be scolding. "Don’t worry about what your friends think, just be happy with yourself."

"I’ll try, but I don’t know."

"I know baby, I know. I got good news though."

"Really, what?"

"Tomorrow afternoon you can come home, Jessie is going to come with me and we are going to dress you up and go home, isn’t that great?"

"Yeah," Emily decided. "I can’t wait."

---

Like I said, I try to make the length somewhat bearable and find good stopping points. Sort of like a to be continued. Tomorrow she is finally out of gowns and nighties (not like that, dirty person you). One person questioned if her parents were pushing this on her, I will answer that shortly, but remember, this wasn’t something planned and everyone is trying the best they can, including me. Feel free to leave messages, it inspires me, and it makes me question myself and think about what is going on.