“Come on,” mum insists as she arranges me and my sisters against the outside wall. “Can’t not get a photo of this, my four beautiful girls!” I smile as I hold hands with Bryony, who holds Cassie’s hand, who eagerly grips onto Dorothy’s hand. Today is a big day for all of us- the first day of school after a long summer holiday, and it’s a big day for me in particular, as it’ll be my last ever ‘first day of school’.

Obviously, when I say ‘school’ I’m not including things like sixth form or further education college, and definitely not university either. Today is the last day I pulled on my school uniform for the first time, and as I did so this morning, I was filled with a lot of conflicting emotions.

Not as conflicted as I was four years ago, though, when I pulled on my secondary school uniform for the first time. Or even as conflicted as ten years ago when I first wore my primary school uniform. Both of those uniforms were pretty straightforward- both included a white shirt and black socks, the primary school uniform had a red jumper over the shirt and the secondary school one had a grey blazer and a striped tie. And both uniforms had a mandatory pair of grey trousers. Many of the other girls in school were also wearing trousers, of course- but unlike me at the time, they had a choice, and I most definitely didn't. And that left me stressed every day I went into school. Today, however, that choice is mine, and just as I have done every morning since I first went into school as the girl I really am, I rolled a pair of tights up my legs, followed by a straight grey skirt. I also applied a little eyeliner and mascara- something else I didn't have the choice of doing four years ago- and brushed out my blonde hair, which is much longer and straighter than it was four years ago. With every passing day, I look more and more like the girl I want to be, which helps me feel more and more like the girl I want to be. However, that doesn't mean I'm not encountering stress from other sources, though.

Ironically, the photograph that takes pride of place on my nightstand is a reminder of the stress I'm going to feel today. Ironic, as it's meant to be a reminder of just how far I've come on my journey. At the end of July, I cashed in the gift Nikki gave me for my birthday in May and spent a whole day at Heavenly Talent being pampered, getting to dress up in countless beautiful dresses (a couple of which I was even allowed to keep) and having hundreds of photographs taken, including the one on my nightstand of me in a flowing sapphire blue gown, in which I am indistinguishable from any other girl- in particular, any of the eleven girls that came with me to the photoshoot.

Yep, as I'd promised, Laura and the rest of her gang accompanied me to the Heavenly Talent offices, as did Melissa and the rest of hers. Thankfully, no one made a scene- not even Melissa when Jamie-Lee Burke herself came down to watch the end of the photoshoot (and, of course, pose for selfies). It didn't stop me from being uncomfortable, though, especially as the two groups barely interacted throughout the day, which is the main reason the group photo of the twelve of us isn't the one taking pride of place on my nightstand.

I spent most of the rest of the summer hanging out with Laura and the other girls, which brings me to why I'm so stressed out today- because today is the first 'first day of school' when I'll be there, and they won't. I had a 'practice' for this at the end of last year when the girls were on study leave for their exams, but it's only just hitting home now that they're gone for good- and my choices for friends basically boil down to Melissa and her gang, or no one...

“Just one more,” mum says, making the four of us giggle- even Bryony, who I can’t help but gaze at with pride. Over the past few months, she’s changed a lot, both emotionally and physically. She’s in the middle of a serious growth spurt, is now standing 5’ 2” tall and is very much a beautiful young woman. Part of my pride, however, comes from the fact that her growth spurt has meant that many of my old clothes are now hers- particularly the pleated grey skirt hanging from her waist. Laura mentioned over the summer how it gave her a ‘buzz’ to see her stepsister wearing her old clothes, as though it somehow made her a more ‘legitimate’ girl. At the time, I didn’t know what she meant, but now I definitely understand.

And, of course, Bryony and I have both had to grow up quicker than expected as our responsibilities around the home have increased at the same rate as our mother’s mid-section. Last week we found out that the new baby will be a girl, and true to his word, dad swore that he would love Felicity (as our sister will inevitably be named) just as much as he would have loved ‘Finlay’. He also spent two weeks of the summer laid up himself following a vasectomy, which turned into an awkward two weeks when he tried to joke with me about our ‘similar operations’. While he means well (which is a big improvement over twelve months ago), he still has a long way to go. Fortunately, he’s avoided any stereotypical ‘Dadzilla’ tendencies despite having four (soon to be five) daughters, thanks in part to me still being single and Bryony not showing any interest in boys yet.

“Okay, think that’s enough for now,” mum chuckles. “Any more and we’ll be here until the summer holidays, heh!”

“Come on, girls,” dad says, ushering the four of us toward his car where my sisters pile onto the back seat while I elegantly lower myself into the passenger seat, straightening my short grey skirt as I get comfortable. “Looking forward to your first day of Year 1, Dorothy?”

“Yep!” My (currently) youngest sister replies with a giggle. “I’m going to have the same teacher Cassie had!”

“Mrs Collins?” I ask. “I had her when I was in Year 1!”

“She’s such a cool teacher,” Cassie squeaks excitedly. “She let me wear my ballet leotard when we did indoor PE!”

“Who’ve you got this year, Cassie?” I ask my seven year old sister. “Does Mr Coates still teach at that school?”

“Yes, but I’ve got Miss Everett instead,” Cassie says with a sigh that I definitely sympathise with- Miss Everett was my teacher while in Year 3 and was definitely one of the strictest teachers in the school.

“Ah, you’ll be okay,” I reassure the young girl. “She’s alright as long as you’re not too mental in her class.”

“Good luck, Cassie,” Bryony snorts sarcastically, giggling as our younger sister pouts at her.

“You’ll all be fine,” dad reassures us. “You’re all well-behaved, for the most part.” I try to smile as dad compliments us, though it does remind me that unlike Laura and Suri last year, I won’t be wearing a prefect’s badge for my final year of school, all thanks to the one day suspension I had three years ago- which was itself all thanks to Laura starting a chain of gossip that resulted in me being ‘outed’ far earlier than I’d wanted.

“Do you know where you’re going to college yet, Ashley?” Bryony asks, sensing my discomfort.

“Give your br- sister a chance, she hasn’t even started Year 11 yet!” Dad says, chuckling to try to distract from his near faux pas.

“Wherever I go, I’ll probably be studying German,” I say, trying not to fidget in my seat.

“Still dreaming of being a flight attendant, Ash?” Dad asks with an obviously forced smile.

“That’s the plan,” I reply with a less forced smile of my own.

“I know what I want to be when I’m older!” Cassie says, making everyone in the car- even Dorothy- chuckle tiredly.

“Everyone knows what you want to be,” I tease my little sister, causing her to pout again. “But you know what Madame Renou-Briggs says, work hard enough and you can be anything you want to be- especially a ballerina, hehe!” I should know that better than anyone, I think to myself.

A few short minutes later, my two youngest sisters exit the car and head toward their primary school, and a short while after that, Bryony and I are climbing out of dad’s car and heading toward the front gate of our secondary school. It’s only when I step through the gate that it hits me that this year is going to be VERY different from the previous four.

In the past, when I arrived at school (even if I was wearing trousers instead of a skirt), I’d usually be greeted at the gate by several of my friends- the ‘excellent eight’ as we called ourselves- and we wouldn’t head into school until all eight of us were there. Today, however, while Bryony is greeted warmly by her ‘gang’, which includes Nicole’s sister Sabrina (Bryony’s best friend) and Laura’s stepsister Lily, who Bryony and Sabrina have promised to look after in her first few weeks here. I, on the other hand, have no one at the gate to greet me. When I get into the school building itself, though, I am greeted by a friend- albeit it someone very different from the excellent eight.

“Alright mate?” George asks with a snort of laughter. “Kinda getting harder and harder to call you ‘mate’ with how, well, girly you’ve got…”

“That is kinda the plan,” I say, stopping briefly to straighten my tights, an action that clearly makes my friend uncomfortable. “Gonna get even girlier in May when I can FINALLY get proper HRT…”

“Yeah…” George grimaces. “Meg- umm, Megan says hi, by the way, wanted me to, you know, keep an eye on you this year, make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna be different this year without them here,” I sigh sadly.

“Still though,” George says hesitantly, “it’s not- it’s not like you don’t have other friends, right?” I bite my lip as I glance to our left, where Cameron and Lucy are stood outside their form room, waiting to go in.

While I spent most of my free time over the summer hanging out with the ‘excellent eight’, a large chunk of it was spent hanging out with my other friends- namely, Melissa Jeffries and her gang, of which I am seemingly a part whether I like it or not.

There wasn’t much difference between the two groups when it came to what we got up to over the summer- hanging out at coffee shops, sunbathing in each other's gardens, heading to the local swimming pool for a dip, and Melissa and co made me feel just as much an ordinary teenaged girl as Laura and co did, but I never felt as comfortable with Melissa and her friends as I did with Laura and hers- or rather, our friends. If I had the choice, I’d simply drift away from Melissa and co and leave them in peace- but the point is, I don’t have that choice.

It’s not just because Melissa is the most popular girl in our year (and, by default, the entire school), though that certainly plays a part- and her barely-concealed threat to make life harder for Bryony is certainly still stuck in my mind. My main concern, though, is that other than George, I have no other friends in the school, and without Melissa’s ‘influence’, things could get very ugly for me very quickly.

I’ve been living full-time as a girl for 22 months now, but even that isn’t good enough for some people- like many of the other students in the school. I still have the scar above my eye from where Sam Reid attacked me two years ago, and while things haven’t even come close to being that bad, I can tell by the looks on people’s faces that even if they keep it to themselves, they do not approve of me wearing the skirt I worked hard to earn the right to wear. Without Melissa’s influence, there’d be nothing stopping them from being outright hostile toward me- though thankfully, that's unlikely to happen anytime soon. As long as I remain friends with Jamie-Lee Burke and the Angels, anyway...

However, George is the only friend I have any contact with in the morning as we remain in our forms until our first morning break, when we go our separate ways- George to the school’s basketball court and me initially to the table where I sat for the first four years of my school life, but which is now ‘under new management’.

“Oh, hey Ash,” Bryony says, barely looking up from her conversation with Sabrina, Lucy’s sister Jo, Laura’s sister Lily and a handful of her friends. Even though it’s a reminder of how much things have changed, I can’t help but smile at the sight of my formerly shy and introverted sister surrounded by so many friends. The table is more cramped today than it ever was when the whole of the excellent eight sat around it.

“Hey,” I say. “Umm… You see Melissa go past?”

“She’s probably with my sister,” a Polish-accented black haired girl, very obviously Petra’s younger sister, says. “You know where their usual place is, don’t you?”

“Uhh- yeah?” I reply with a defensive snort. “Just checking that you girls were all okay, that’s all.”

“Aww,” Bryony and Sabrina playfully coo, making me roll my eyes.

“You’re not getting the table back,” Lily teases, earning another longer, louder eye roll.

“Keep it,” I shrug as I move to walk away, only to be intercepted before I take five steps.

“Ah, hi!” Petra says with a smile as she glances at the younger girls at the table. “You are looking after sisters as well?”

“Yep,” I reply with a smug smile that makes my sister roll her eyes. “Laura asked me to keep an eye on her little sister as well.”

“Thanks for the ‘little’,” Lily snorts, making me giggle while Petra and her sister exchange a few words in Polish.

“Come on,” Petra says, sticking her tongue out at her sister as the younger girl rolls her eyes. “The girls are waiting for us by the sports hall.”

“Cool,” I say as I follow my friend to our new ‘spot’, though I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness as I leave the table (which is already filled with noise) behind. “Didn’t know your sister was starting Year 7 today?”

“Oh, yeah,” Petra replies. “Ariadna has been looking forward all summer to it! Especially as she has a new uniform too. No handed down clothes like I had from my sister!”

“Yeah, pretty much everything Bryony’s wearing used to be mine,” I reply, before chuckling as I realise what I just said. “Wouldn’t have thought THAT would happen three years ago, heh!”

“Ah- of course!” Petra chuckles. “Sometimes I forget, you know?”

“Thank you,” I say with a smug grin that falters as we approach our other three friends, who are sat around a table not unlike my old one, but which has a noticeably different ‘vibe’ to it.

“Hey Ash!” Melissa says as I elegantly sit down next to Cameron, all the while trying to ignore Lucy’s disapproving stare at not just me, but seemingly at Petra too. “Hey Petra! Looking after your little sisters today, then?”

“Yeah, not just today!” I reply with a snort of laughter. “Probably still be babysitting my sisters when I’m fifty, heh.”

“You like being around little girls, then?” Lucy asks, making me grimace and earning an angry glare from Melissa.

“Any-way…” Melissa continues, “I see none of us have got pisshead badges on, then?”

“Ugh, HELL no!” Cameron sneers. “Way to draw attention to what a giant douche you are.” I bite my lip to keep myself from replying- last year, three of my friends were prefects, including the girl Melissa spent a lot of the summer sucking up to.

“You know who I saw wearing one of those badges?” Melissa asks with a snort of disgust. “Allie.” Even though I have no personal problem with Allie, I find myself sneering along with the rest of the girls without even realising that I’m doing it.

“Reckon she’ll be head girl?” I ask, trying not to flinch as our ‘leader’ roll her eyes at the question.

“Who cares?” Melissa snorts.

“It’s not even, like, a real vote,” Cameron sneers. “’Cause only the prefects get to vote, don’t they?”

"That's what George says," I shrug. "He's got one of the badges, umm, too..."

"Meh, he would," Melissa shrugs.

"You didn't feel like applying then, Ash?" Cameron asks me, making me bite my lip as I suddenly feel REALLY uncomfortable.

"...Wouldn't have been able to even if I wanted to," I reply. "'Cause I got suspended for a day when I was in year 8."

"Really?" Melissa asks, suddenly intrigued. "What for?"

"Funnily enough," I reply, "punching a boy who spread a rumour that I was transgendered."

"I think I remember that," Cameron says.

"Not something I'm proud of," I shrug, trying not to fidget as four pairs of judgemental eyes focus on me. "Not going to apologise to the guy though, he was a TOTAL dick."

"You don't like rumours, then?" Melissa asks.

"...Not ones about me," I reply, internally breathing a sigh of relief as Melissa giggles at my response. If this is what all of my breaks are going to be like, it's going to be a long year...

Fortunately, break comes to a swift end, and within minutes I’m sat in my next lesson, immersing myself in the work to distract myself from my stress. When the lesson ends, though, I’m straight back to my new ‘spot’ next to the sports hall, not even stopping off at my old ‘spot’ en route.

“Hey Ash!” Melissa says as I sit down in my designated seat. “What you just had?”

“Science,” I shrug. “Bor-ing, heh!”

“I dunno,” Cameron shrugs. “Can be fun when you’re blowing stuff up, heh.”

“Yeah, well, today we were drawing pictures of covalent bonds,” I retort.

“…Okay, that IS boring!” Cameron concedes with a giggle.

“We were just at English,” Melissa explains. “Going to be reading Pride and Prejudice this year, yawn!”

“Think we can all agree it sucks to be back at school,” I say, smirking as my friends all nod in agreement. “Still, only eight months to go…”

“Hell yeah there is!” Melissa chuckles. “Ugh, can’t wait until I can finally wear some proper clothes instead of this stupid uniform all day!”

“Meh, the uniform could be worse,” I say, before biting my lip as I’m confronted by four quizzical stares. Lucy will NOT like what I have to say next- I just hope Melissa does… “Because, you know, you could spend, like, two and a half years being forced to wear trousers and not being allowed to wear a skirt?” Predictably, Lucy rolls her eyes at this, while Melissa and Cameron’s smug smiles remain unchanged. Petra, however, has a definite sympathetic look on her face.

“I definitely agree that wearing trousers would suck,” Melissa says. “But don’t you own, like, hundreds of other skirts? Some of which are actually fashionable?”

“…Yes,” I reply with a sigh. “And yes, I’d rather wear them instead. And will do when I go to sixth form next year.” I chuckle as Melissa sits back with a smug look on her face, her point proved.

“For certain that dress you wore at Heavenly Talent!” Petra teases, reminding me of THAT day during the summer holidays.

“Yes, yes, okay!” I giggle.

“Looking forward to not having to wear these stupid itchy tights either,” Cameron complains, shooting a grin in my direction that lets me know she knows about my opinion of tights.

“Ugh, totally,” Melissa spits. “Can’t show off my summer tan when I’m wearing tights.”

“Though the boys will check out our legs anyway!” Petra giggles, making me squirm as several pairs of eyes turn my way.

“…What?” I protest. “I’m not a BOY, am I?”

“No,” Melissa teases, “but you DO like looking at girls’ legs, right? With or without tights?” I bite my lip as my friends’ stares intensify- though in fairness, this teasing isn’t all that different from the way the excellent eight would tease each other…

“…The only girl’s legs who I like seeing in tights right now is my own,” I retort, earning ‘ooh’s from my friends.

“I bet there are loads of boys who enjoy seeing Ashley’s legs too!” Cameron says, making me roll my eyes as I try not to blush.

“They can look all they damn well want, they’re never going to get to touch,” I state confidently.

“Not even George?” Lucy asks with a barely-concealed sneer.

“Ew,” I reply, feeling a little bad about speaking about my friend in such a way even though I know he wouldn’t be flattered if I did fancy him.

“Meh, your loss,” Melissa says with a dismissive shrug. “Okay, two years ago, I’d have agreed, but since he lost that weight he has become HOT, hehe!”

“I’ll… Keep that to myself, hehe!” I say with a smug grin of my own.

“So then,” Cameron says, “you didn’t flirt with any cute guys when you were at Disneyland, then?” naturally, this wipes the grin straight off my face.

“Ugh, SO wish I never told you about that,” I sigh, thinking back to last year’s holiday and my encounter with Mark.

“Why be so down about it?” Petra asks. “Having boys drool over you is cool, isn’t it?”

“Why even become a girl if you don’t like boys?” Cameron asks, making me squirm as I try to think of an appropriate answer.

“…Because I like girls,” I reply with a smug smile. “Everything about them- sorry, everything about US!”

“Okay then,” Melissa says with a grin far smugger than mine, “which one of us would you most want to sleep with?" Oh, you bitch, I think to myself as I force a grin on my face.

"...Pointless choosing," I reply. "None of you are gay, right?"

"Oh don't chicken out," Melissa chastises. "It's a simple enough question, right?" Ugh, I think to myself. She's not letting this go...

"Do you REALLY want to know?" I ask, biting my lip as I receive four nods in reply.

"Laura and her friends must have asked the same question, correct?" Petra asks, and instantly a lightbulb switches on in my mind.

"...No," I reply. "'Cause I snogged half of them anyway."

"Which means...?" Melissa asks.

"I'll have to snog all of you to make my decision," I say, trying not to grin as I'm met with four loud 'ew's.

"Forget I asked," Melissa says as the topic of conversation thankfully moves on.

After my final lesson of the day comes to an end, I let out a long sigh as I climb into the passenger seat of mum’s car, which she and my sister both immediately notice.

“Cheer up,” mum urges. “A few years from now you’d probably give anything to be back in school, heh!”

“Doubt it,” I sigh as I take my phone out of my bag and switch it on, checking for any messages from the rest of the excellent eight.

“Ah, straight to her phone,” mum says with a playful sigh. “Almost forgot I was talking to a teenaged girl for a second. Suppose I’d better get used to it, it’s only going to happen another four times…”

“Another three,” I correct my mother. “Look at the back seat.” I try to suppress a giggle as Bryony briefly looks up from her phone only to meet the gaze of our mother in the rear view mirror.

“Thanks Ash,” my sister snorts, turning her attention back to her own phone. “She’s just stressed out ‘cause all her REAL friends have left.”

“Oh- thanks, Bry!” I scoff, my cheeks flushing as our mother looks at me.

“…Well you knew that was going to happen,” mum ‘advises’. “And you had all summer to prepare for it. And you still have other friends-“

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “I still prefer the other girls though, you know?”

“I know,” mum says. “But friends do come and go, I hardly speak to anyone I knew from school anymore. Even my best friend from school I haven’t spoken to in months.”

“Yeah, kinda not helping,” I say, earning a frustrated sigh from my mother.

“You could always walk home if you’d prefer?” Mum asks, making me sigh, shut my mouth and put my phone away- not that there were any messages to read on it anyway.

When we get home I head straight up to my bedroom and, thinking back to what Melissa said earlier today, change out of my uniform and into a comfortable (but still fashionable) grey miniskirt and my favourite Out of Heaven t-shirt before heading downstairs and flopping onto the sofa next to my (still uniformed) sisters.

“Hi Ash!” Cassie (who, along with Dorothy, was picked up by dad today) says with a wide grin that shows off the increasing number of gaps in her teeth.

“Hi Cassie!” I reply, my mood immediately improving at the sight and sound of my bubbly little sister. “Did you have a fun first day of Year 3?”

“Yep!” Cassie giggles. “Miss Everett was actually really nice. She even said she’d let me do a dance for the class sometime this year!”

“Let me guess,” I say, “she asked the whole class to introduce yourselves to her, and you couldn’t stop yourself from saying that you take ballet, right?” I can’t help but giggle as the seven year old girl blushes and nods.

“Ashley, don’t tease your sister,” dad says with a tired chuckle.

“Ah, but you love it really though, don’t you Cassie?” I ask, before chuckling and rolling my eyes as my sister responds with a very loud raspberry and a giggle!

“That told you,” dad chuckles, before turning to me and Bryony. “You two had fun at big school, then?”

“Yeah,” Bryony shrugged. “Laura’s sister’s started now so me and Sabrina are kinda looking after her and the rest of their friends, heh.”

“Which makes me everyone’s big sister,” I say with a smug grin that makes Bryony roll her eyes.

“Whatever,” the twelve year old girl snorts. “When you’re not too busy with your ‘new’ friends anyway.” Thanks, Bry, I think to myself as I roll my eyes.

“Enough,” dad orders with a tired chuckle, before muttering something under his breath about the number of children he has. “Go and change, all of you, dinner will be ready soon.”

“I only just put this on,” I retort, earning a stern grimace from my father.

“And enough of your mouth!” Dad sighs. “I would ask where this attitude came from, but I think it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“What?” I protest as my sisters head upstairs to their rooms, before the thought strikes me. "You've never had a problem with Melissa before..."

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” dad says, gesturing to the hairless legs poking out from underneath my skirt.

“Oh- oh, you meant that,” I say, before frowning. “…Really? You meant THAT?”

“You have to admit,” dad says, “when you wore trousers to school, you were a lot more- well-“

“Timid?” I reply. “Shy? Quiet? Acting like I had something to hide?”

“Yes, yes, okay, point taken,” dad sighs. “And mouth aside, yes, believe it or not, I am happy that you feel more, well, ‘confident’. Just don’t forget that you need to set an example for your siblings too.”

“I know,” I say sincerely. “Fun of being the oldest, heh. And I promise I will be, you know, ‘okay’ when Felicity comes along.”

“Good,” dad says firmly.

“You do have these talks with the other soon-to-be-big siblings too, right?” I ask, biting my lip as I wonder whether or not this is pushing my luck.

“…Bryony yes, the others no,” dad replies. “That’s all I’ll say on that.”

“We grow up so fast, don’t we?” I say with a grin as dad rolls his eyes again.

“Too fast sometimes,” dad snorts as my sisters return to the living room and we help get ready for dinner.

After dinner, and after Cassie, Dorothy and Eddy have gone to bed (the former two girls taking a while to get to sleep after going to their ballet class after dinner), Bryony and I return to the living room to complete our homework (which we still somehow got despite it only being our first day at school). However, as hard as I try to concentrate on my work, I can’t help but be distracted by my phone, and while this is hardly anything new, today it’s the lack of notifications from it that’s causing the distraction.

“…Mr. Clarke says I might do my English GCSE next year, two years early,” Bryony says, breaking the silence that had descended over the room. “Miss Riley says the same thing about maths, too.”

“Interesting,” I sarcastically reply as I try to make sense of the French text in front of me.

“I’m also going to drop gymnastics club,” Bryony continues. “I never really liked it, only went ‘cause Sabrina did.”

“Okay,” I say, barely listening to what my sister’s saying.

“I’m also going to steal your favourite Out of Heaven t-shirt and use it as a pillow case,” Bryony says.

“Sure,” I shrug, before frowning in confusion. “Wait, what?”

“Oh, so you are listening then?” Bryony asks, snorting with laughter as I roll my eyes.

“I’m trying to do my homework,” I retort.

“Yeah, sure,” Bryony says. "That's why you keep checking your phone, right? To help with your homework?"

"None of your business," I snort.

"If you say so," Bryony shrugs. "If you're going to be moody all year let me know now so I can sleep on the sofa, okay?"

"If you're going to be smartarsed all year let me know so I can do the same," I reply, before sighing and grimacing. "S- sorry, Bry, I didn't mean it like that..."

"S'okay," Bryony says with a nonchalant shrug, though I can tell my words cut her more than I intended.

"No it isn't," I say. "I'm just a bit stressed about school, you know?"

"Don't you like Melissa or something?" Bryony asks, suddenly derailing my train of thought. Maybe I was too kind when I said 'smartarsed'...

"Wh- why would you ask that?" I reply.

"I dunno," Bryony says. "Just last year, you were happy, and I figure that was 'cause, you know, you were actually going as a girl, but you're even more of a girl now and you're miserable again. Only thing I can think of is that Laura and her friends aren't there any more so you have to hang out with Melissa and her friends, and you don't like that as much."

"...Just do your homework, okay?" I say, turning my back on my sister as I return to my French text.

"If you say so," Bryony replies as she returns to her homework.

We don't exchange any further words for the rest of the evening, even as we climb into adjacent beds in our bedroom, though I'm forced to admit to myself that Bryony is almost certainly correct. Annoyingly, she probably realises this too...

After climbing into bed, I plug my phone into my charger, but before I put it back on my table, I open up Instagram, looking for any photos posted today by any of my friends- and there, right at the top of the app is a photo taken earlier by Suriya or her and the rest of the excellent eight- well, excellent seven, anyway- hanging out in her back garden in their bikinis. Naturally, this is enough to make me put my phone back down and lay back in bed, quickly falling asleep after a tiring day.

The following morning, I’m awoken my the alarm on my phone, but when I switch it off, I can see several other notifications have come through too- all from Facebook messenger, and all from the seven friends I didn’t spend yesterday hanging out with.

‘Hey Ash!’ The first message, which is from Laura, reads. ‘Hope you a good first day of Y11 today- we’ll all be thinking of you!’

‘Wish we were still there with you!’ Suri’s message- which is, obviously, punctuated by several emojis- reads.

‘Would rather have you at college with us though, lol!’ Nicole’s message says. 'First day today and am SO nervous!'

'Won't take that personally,' Megan's (who I know is going to the same college as Nicole) message reads.

'End of an era lol,' Harriet's message reads.

'But start of a new one,' Mia's message says. 'Take care of yourself Ash!'

I sigh as I put my phone down- the girls all knew I was going back to school yesterday rather than today, I'd only told them this Saturday just gone, so why they're pretending like this is beyond me. It could be that they're trying to spare my feelings after forgetting to message me yesterday, but if anything, that just pisses me off more that they forgot to message me yesterday. A quick glance at my friends list reveals that Laura, Megan and Mia are all online- and have all seen that I've seen their messages.

'Thanks girls!' I type with a disingenuous smiling emoji. 'Though was actually back yesterday instead of today.'

'Aw, really?' Mia types, making me roll my eyes. Yes, really, you stupid... I think to myself.

'Yeah, dunno why,' I type, hesitating before typing my next bit of the message- as bad as the situation currently is, the last thing I need is to make it worse... 'I could've sworn I told you on Saturday.' I let out a sigh as I press 'send'- I've done it now...

'Are you sure?' Laura asks, making me groan loudly and startle Bryony in the next bed to me.

'Didn't you notice I wasn’t there yesterday?' I type, hitting send before I can think twice about how provocational the message is.

'What's that meant to mean?' Laura types, and again, I groan- this chat is obviously going to get a lot worse before it gets better. IF it gets better...

'It means 'where did you think I was yesterday after we hung out together all summer?',' I type, my anger starting to rise. I can see Laura typing out a response, but before she gets the chance to send it, another message pops up.

'Okay, confession time,' Megan types. 'We were going to message you yesterday morning but we all slept in late. Like, REALLY late, 11am ish. We thought messaging you in the middle of school was a bad idea so we were going to message you at 3pm, but then we lost track of time and by the time any of us remembered it was like 5pm so we thought we'd message you today instead, pretend we thought you were back today and try to spare your feelings. Obviously we goofed up, so we are sorry about that.'

'Apology accepted,' I type with another insincere smiling emoji.

'We genuinely didn't forget,' Megan continues. 'Kinda hard to when my boyfriend's in your form lol.'

'Don't worry about it,' I reply. 'Have fun at college today!'

'Thanks Ash!' Mia types as I log out of the messaging app and let out another loud groan.

"No, I don't want to know," Bryony grumbles as she heads down to the kitchen for breakfast with me following closely behind.

"That's good, because I don't want to tell you," I retort to a snort and rolled eyes from my sister.

"Problem?" Mum asks, staring sternly at me and Bryony as we take our seats at the table.

"No," me and my sister mumble simultaneously.

"Keep it that way," mum orders as she places our breakfast in front of us. Wish it was that easy, I think to myself...

As with yesterday, when we arrive at school, Bryony’s friends (including Laura’s sister and her classmates) are there to greet her, while I’m left to head in alone, eventually being greeted by George just outside our form room.

“Alright mate?” George asks in his usual nonchalant way.

“Did you talk to Megan last night?” I ask.

“…I’m okay, thanks for asking,” George snorts. “And yes, I did, didn’t any of the girls chat with you last night?”

“Er… No,” I reply with a shrug as we take our usual seats. “You got PE first thing as well?”

“Umm, yeah,” George replies, biting his lip as I straighten my skirt. “Rugby though, hooray.”

“Ah, SO glad I don’t do that anymore,” I chuckle.

“So, you’re doing gymnastics instead then?” George asks.

“Yeah,” I reply, “though I won’t be wearing the team leotard as I’m not on the team this year, figured as Bryony’s quit the team as well and I am kinda tall for a gymnast, heh.”

“Hmm,” George says, trying his hardest to feign interest. “Why’d you ask if I talked to Meg yesterday if you were just gonna change the subject when I answered anyway?”

“I dunno,” I shrug. “Just wondering.”

“Yeah, mate, I’m not a girl, but even I can tell something’s up,” George says, trying not to fidget- I can easily tell how uncomfortable this conversation is making him.

“Nothing’s up,” I lie. “It’s just- I dunno.” Thankfully, at that moment, Mr. Jackson arrives to begin the school day, ending the conversation before it has the chance to get any more awkward. However, thanks to the insulting messages from Laura and co this morning, George being distant and even Bryony getting moody with me, I can’t help but feel lonely, a feeling that only gets emphasised at the start of the next lesson when I change by myself in the teacher’s office. However, while I may feel lonely, it doesn’t stop me from feeling confident as I walk up to the gymnasium along with the other girls. I may be wearing an androgynous t-shirt and pair of shorts rather than the gymnastics club team’s leotard, but so are 90% of the other girls in the class, and my light make-up, short blonde ponytail and slim body make me indistinguishable from any of them. And thanks to Melissa’s influence, I’m not likely to be reminded of any ‘differences’ any time soon…

The lesson goes as well as always, and before too long I’m changing back into my usual uniform for my next lesson, and once that’s completed, I head straight for my usual spot- my new usual spot, that is- where my friends eagerly greet me.

“Hey Ash!” Melissa giggles as I sit down next to Petra.

“Hey girls,” I say with a giggle of my own. “Have I missed much?”

“Literally nothing,” Cameron replies. "Only got here ourselves a few seconds ago."

"Good," I reply. "Something I'm NOT left out of, heh."

"Is something a problem?" Petra asks, frowning at what must have seemed to her like a random outburst.

"...Nah," I reply. "Nothing you need to worry about, heh!"

"Good," Lucy snorts. "I just had maths, I don't need to be brought down any further!" And THAT's the first time you've spoken to me in months without implying I'm some sort of sick pervert, I think to myself- though a quick glance over at Melissa reveals that she was staring pretty intensely at Lucy while she spoke...

"Ugh, I've got maths next," Cameron moans.

"I thought you were on for an 8 in maths?" I ask, which earns an eye roll from my friend.

"Doesn't mean I like it," Cameron snorts. "Especially not as I've got McCarthy this year."

"Ugh, I can believe that," I spit- Mr McCarthy is notorious throughout the school as being both one of the strictest and most boring teachers in the whole place.

"I had him last year," Petra says. "All I learnt in his class was what the word 'wanker' means."

"Sounds about right," Melissa scoffs. "But never mind that, hehe! Everyone looking forward to the big launch show on Saturday?"

"You mean Strictly?" Lucy asks. "Hell yeah I am!"

"Especially as we know someone who's a friend of one of the contestants?" Melissa asks, and inevitably all eyes stare at me, causing me to blush and giggle bashfully.

"...I'm probably not going to be able to get tickets," I chuckle.

"That's okay," Melissa says in a voice that says that it's NOT okay, but she'll let it slide- for now. "But any, you know, goss you can get us?"

"Like whether or not the rumours are true that Kayla and Steph are secretly a couple?" Cameron asks, making me snort derisively.

"You actually believe those websites?" I scoff.

"...Not ALL of them," Cameron mumbles. "But, you know, it has been said in a few places..."

"ANYWAY," Melissa says, "who knows, we might be able to get a special dancing guest at our dance club this year?" Okay, THIS I won't be able to back out of as easily...

"Can't hurt to ask, I suppose?" I shrug, earning smiles all round.

“And speaking of," Melissa says, looking at me expectantly. "Looking forward to tonight, Ash?"

“As much as I looked forward to last Friday’s lesson,” I reply, sussing that Melissa is referring to our twice-weekly ballet class, which continued throughout the summer holiday despite the heat.

“Yeah, but the new kids are starting in the advanced class today, the 11 and 12 year olds,” Melissa reminds me.

“None of our sisters are, though?” I ask, confused by my friend’s train of thought.

“No, but we’ll be TEACHING them?” Melissa retorts, making me nod as I catch on to what she means.

“Really?” Cameron asks. “You’re excited by the idea of being a TEACHER?”

“Well, for dance, yeah,” Melissa replies in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. “What d’you think me and Ash were doing all last year at our dance club?”

“I dunno,” Cameron mumbles with a shrug. “Just messing around, I suppose…”

“What d’you think we spend most of our time doing at ballet class?” I tease, grinning as Melissa giggles at my joke.

“Which you three would know if you ever came along,” Melissa says, earning three unconvinced looks in response.

“It’s really no different from cheerleading, for the most part,” I chime in. “You just wear a different uniform, that’s all.”

“That is why I’m worried!” Petra chuckles.

“You shouldn’t be, you know,” I say, earning a loud ‘ooh’ from the other three girls that makes Petra blush and me roll my eyes. “I mean when compared to me, for god’s sake. First time I went to class as a girl I felt SO out of place and I didn’t even have Laura or the other girls in the class, but Miss Fullerton made sure I wasn’t uncomfortable, and the other girls were all really friendly too. And if they can be friendly to ME, right?”

“Petra probably doesn’t spend most of her time fantasising about wearing a leotard, though,” Lucy says, and just as it seems every time she opens her mouth, an awkward silence falls over our table.

“Any-way…” Melissa says, “Since we can’t persuade you, me and Ash will have to hang out with our rich, famous dance teacher by ourselves. Not that Ash doesn’t have other rich, famous celebrities to hang out with, hehe!”

“When I’m not babysitting,” I giggle, feeling my body relax as the atmosphere at the table lightens up again.

Compared to yesterday, the next lesson seems to drag on before the bell rings to signify the start of lunch, and lunch seems to fly by in a flash as I spend the whole time gossiping and giggling with my four friends. It isn’t long before the bell rings to signify the end of the day and I’m elegantly sliding onto the passenger seat of mum’s car with a wide grin on my face.

“You look happier than you did yesterday,” mum notes. “Had a better day?”

“Mm,” I reply nonchalantly as I check my phone for any messages, finding none beyond the usual Facebook notifications, and certainly no follow-ups to this morning’s conversation with Laura and the other girls.

“Yes mum, thank you for asking mum,” my mother sarcastically sighs as I stealthily roll my eyes.

“Yes, it was better than yesterday,” I reply. “Kinda getting used to the ‘new normal’.”

“I figured as much,” mum says, before gesturing to the back seat where my sister and her two best friends are sat, both engrossed in their phones. “So are they, heh.”

“Hey you three,” I say, putting my phone back in my bag.

“Hey,” Bryony, Sabrina and Jo all mumble in reply.

“You coming to ballet with us, you two?” I ask, earning affirmative grunts in reply. “Okay, I can get changed in the bathroom then, that’s no problem.”

“…Why?” Sabrina asks. “My parents are fine with Nicole changing with you, they won’t have any problem with me doing it?”

"Same here," Jo shrugs.

“Yeah, it’s more me I’m thinking of than you,” I say, smirking as all three girls snort with sarcastic laughter. “Is Lily starting advance class tonight?”

“Umm, think she hasn’t gone en pointe yet,” Sabrina replies. “So she’ll probably start in January.”

“So she won’t have to put up with having her sister in the same class,” Bryony snorts. “Lucky her.”

“Hey!” I say in a mock whine.

“Lucky her indeed,” mum says, making me roll my eyes again as the car heads back home.

Once we arrive, the three younger girls head straight up to our bedroom to change into their ballet uniforms, while I flop down on the sofa next to Cassie and Dorothy, both of whom are already deeply engrossed in the TV (which is, of course, showing the Disney Channel).

“Hey you two!” I giggle. “Had a good day at school?”

“Yeah,” Cassie replies, not taking her attention away from the TV. I wonder if this is how mum feels when I look at my phone?

“Did you do PE today?” I ask.

“I did,” Dorothy replies. “We were doing north, south, east and west.”

“Ah, cool,” I chuckle. “Of course, me and Bryony will be doing extra sort-of PE later tonight…” Naturally, this mention of ballet, or rather someone other than Cassie doing ballet, earns me a raspberry from the seven year old girl.

“Oh good,” mum says, entering the living room before I have a chance to retort to my sister. “More of my children staring at a screen.”

“All four of us have spent or will spend at least an hour away from screens doing physical activity either today or tomorrow,” I retort, which naturally earns a stern glare from our mother.

“And then come home and spend the rest of the evening living in your phone,” mum says, to which I have no reply. “But I suppose you have a point, it is good that you interact with your friends face to face instead of Facebook to Facebook.”

“Miss Fullerton says me and Daisy might be ready for pointe shoes by the time we start year 6!” Cassie excitedly squeaks. “She says because our birthdays are both in October we’ll be old enough by then!”

“Ms Fullerton,” I correct my excited sister. “Women who are married but who’ve kept their maiden name are properly called Ms, not Miss.”

“And those shoes are not toys,” mum says. “You remember what happened to Bryony’s friend’s sister? And the bruises Ashley got on her feet?”

“I know,” Cassie whines. “But I want to be able to dance like Ashley and Bryony…”

“And you will,” I say, giving my sister a cuddle that she happily returns.

“I don’t get why any girl wouldn’t want to be a ballerina,” Cassie sighs happily.

“For some girls, it’s just not their ‘thing’,” I say.

“All of your friends do ballet,” Cassie says.

“Not all of them,” I reply. “Petra doesn’t, nor do Cameron or Lucy.”

“Who are they?” Cassie asks, confusing me before I realise that Cassie isn’t nearly as close to (or as fond as) my new friends as she was Laura and her gang.

“…My friends,” I reply. “You know, friends of Melissa?”

“I don’t like Melissa as much as I like Laura,” Cassie says bluntly.

“Oh, give her a chance,” I say. “…Melissa’s a ballerina too, you know?”

“Well… Okay,” Cassie says, giggling as I cuddle her again while Bryony, Sabrina and Jo enter the living room, all three dressed for an evening of dance.

After a quick, light dinner, I too change into the familiar, well-worn pink tights and black leotard before jumping into dad’s car and driving the short distance to the home of the Krystie Fullerton School of Dance. A weird feeling sweeps over me, though, as I enter the reception area and realise that I’m one of the oldest people in the room- and also by far the tallest. And without Laura here, I have an extra, inescapable reason to suddenly feel out of place…

“Hey Ash!” Melissa says as I sit down next to her and start tying my soft ballet slippers to my feet.

“Hey, long time no see!” I reply, earning a giggle from my friend. “Does- does it feel weird to you, being one of the oldest in the class?”

“No, not really,” Melissa replies. “Kinda helps being petite, hehe! If anything, I prefer it this way, same as at school. Don’t you?”

“Not really,” I say. “I get enough of being the oldest at home, heh.”

That excuse is, of course, only half-true- for four years, I was used to being the youngest in my particular ‘group’, being treated as the little brother, then the little sister of the ‘excellent eight’- and that’s something I’m going to miss for a long time. I sometimes forget just how much I enjoyed those early days, even when my real self was a secret shared only with Laura and Suri, when we’d play dress-up games in private, or have make-up exchanges, or make up our own dance routines... All I hated about those days was having to put the 'real me' back into a drawer and go back to pretending to be a boy. But the fact is that I'm now not just a girl, but a girl who needs to stand up for herself and stand on her own- even when the rest of the 'excellent eight' are nowhere to be seen, it doesn't make me any less the girl I so longed to be when I was younger.

“She doesn’t get enough of it at home, she COULDN’T get enough of it at home,” Bryony snorts as she sits down next to me and ties her ballet slippers.

“Oh- from my own sister?” I ask with mock offence as Melissa chuckles to herself. "Sometimes I wonder if 'little sister' is some code word for 'little nuisance'." Bryony doesn't respond to this- she doesn't need to, as I'm suddenly aware of an angry face staring down at me.

“Ashley!” Mme Renou-Briggs says in her stern French accent as she approaches where we’re sat. “A little sister is something to be treasured, not teased!” I feel my cheeks flush as the dark-haired teacher stares at me, while Bryony lets out a quiet, smug chuckle.

“…Sorry,” I mumble as my sister and my friends giggle, prompting an uncharacteristic smirk from our dance teacher.

“Come on,” Mme Renou-Briggs says, ushering the four of us to our feet. “It is time to dance!” Not needing to be told twice, the four of us (along with the other twenty-odd identically-dressed girls) head into the vast classroom, where we take our places at the barre.

“I thought it was funny,” Melissa says as the music starts and we begin our warm-up exercises.

Despite my initial stresses about feeling out of place, once the lesson starts it provides me with a much-needed distraction from the changes that have been happening in my life. We still do the same warm-ups, the same basic steps and the same routines, the only difference is in the friends with whom I’m dancing. I’m so distracted, in fact, that I only notice at the end of the lesson that two other friends had been watching the lesson from the side of the room.

“Oh my god!” I squeak as I skip over to Petra and greet her with a gentle hug- a gesture that clearly makes her mother uncomfortable, though she doesn’t seem to mind when Bryony and Sabrina greet Ariadna the same way. “What are you doing here?”

“You twisted my arm so much!” Petra replies as she greets Melissa with a hug. “I thought I could not say no anymore, hehe!”

“Glad to hear it!” Melissa says with a trademark smug smile.

“They will only be coming for a few trying out lessons,” Petra’s mother says in her thick Polish accent. “To be sure that they like it.”

“But I’m sure we will,” Ariadna giggles. “Even if we won’t be in your class at the start.”

“Ah, you’ll get here soon enough, hehe!” I giggle.

“Excuse-moi,” Mme Renou-Briggs says as she glides over to us. “Did I hear that there are two more potential ballerinas who wish to dance with us?”

“Yes,” Mrs Kaczynska says, offering the Frenchwoman a polite handshake. “My daughters Petra and Ariadna would like to start your class. Do you offer a trial period?”

“Yes,” Mme Renou-Briggs replies. “One month of lessons with no commitment to stay, but you should know we have a long waiting list right now. Though I suspect there are four girls who will use their referrals to push them further up the queue, yes?”

“Oh- definitely, hehe!” I giggle, though my smile quickly fades when Petra’s mother shots me a stern glare.

“Will there be any transgendered children in my daughters’ class?” Mrs Kaczynska asks, causing everyone’s jaw to drop- even Mme Renou-Briggs’s.

“Did- did she just-“ Bryony whispers to me.

“…Non,” Mme Renou-Briggs says in a quiet, stoic voice. “Ashley is currently the only transgendered student under 16 years of age.”

“Good,” Mrs Kaczynska says, making my insides churn.

“Follow me to the office, please, I shall get you two application forms,” Mme Renou-Briggs says, sending an apologetic look my way as she leads the middle-aged woman toward the school’s small office area. As they depart, an awkward silence falls over the six of us, before Petra breaks it by letting out a long, pained groan.

“Ugh, I am SO sorry, Ashley,” the Polish girl moans, looking utterly mortified by her mother’s behaviour.

“No, no it’s okay,” I moan. “I mean, if I’m not used to it by now, right?”

“No- no,” Melissa says firmly. “It is NOT okay for her to say that, especially in front of you!” Needless to say, this sudden outburst comes as something of a surprise to me. Sure, Melissa’s never been transphobic- at least, not outwardly- but hearing her react like this is so different to what I expect from her, so… Unselfish, that I’m momentarily taken aback.

“Umm… Okay,” I say. “I mean, you’re right, there’s just nothing I can do about it, you know?”

“Yeah, but I don’t like hearing it either,” Bryony moans as she unties her bun.

“Again, I am so, SO sorry,” Petra sighs.

“Oh- you have no reason to apologise,” I say. “Though I kinda get now why we never hang out at your house. I’m surprised your parents let me change with you for cheer club, though?”

“Oh, that-“ Petra says, furtively glancing at Melissa before carrying on. “I- umm, I kinda told mum that if she didn’t allow it, I wouldn’t be on the cheer team. May have begged a bit, heh.”

“Well I definitely appreciate that, heh!” I chuckle. “Also explains why we never hang out at your place, I guess.”

“Yep,” Petra sighs. “But, you know, I prefer hanging out at Melissa’s, heh.” A quick glance at Melissa confirms that she unsurprisingly approves of this comment.

“Yeah,” I chuckle, before sighing as I see my father poke his head around the door of the dance studio. “…Looks like we’re heading off now. See you tomorrow?”

“Sure!” Petra says, giving me a gentle hug as we depart. “We should talk more, you and me!”

“Definitely,” I chuckle, before giving Melissa her goodbye hug and leading Sabrina, Bryony and Jo out to dad’s waiting car.

After dropping off Bryony’s friends, we head back home, where I waste no time in heading up to my bedroom, switching on my tablet computer and logging into Facebook, where a group chat is already in full flow. I type my usual ‘hey girlies’ into the chatbox, but before I press ‘send’, I pause, only now realising that this will be the first time today that I’ve had any contact with any of the seven girls in the chatroom- or at least, the first contact since their insulting attempts at damage limitation first thing this morning.

‘Hi Ash!’ Nicole types, having obviously noticed me entering the room.

‘Hey girlie!’ Laura types, punctuating her message with a load of ‘smiling’ emojis- probably a far cry from what she would've typed this morning had I not left the chatroom early. Obviously I haven't caused any lasting damage, then, which is a genuine relief.

‘Hey girlies!’ I reply, sending the message I’d hesitated before sending. ‘Just back from ballet, still got a ton of homework to do lol.’

‘Aww, I totally miss ballet class,’ Harriet types.

‘Only cos you miss looking at me in a leotard!’ Mia types, followed by several ‘kissing’ emojis that Harriet naturally instantly reciprocates.

‘Enough kissing!!!!!’ Nicole types. 'You were at college together literally four hours ago!'

'Four hours too long,' Harriet types with more 'kissing' emojis. 'Another reason I miss ballet!'

'Don't miss the foot cramps though,' Megan types. 'Or being almost seven feet tall en pointe!'

'Lol,' I type.

'Course me and Laura now get extra lessons for free at drama college,' Suri types with a 'sticking out tongue' emoji.

'Show off,' Mia types with a 'sticking out tongue' emoji of her own. 'Would've loved to go to your college, should've taken drama at GCSE.'

'Not too late to change your mind,' Laura types. 'Can always change the courses you're on, right?'

'Can ask I suppose,' Mia replies as I feel my mind start to wander.

'Am I not enough friend for you, Laura?' Suri types with an 'angry' emoji.

'YCNHTMF!' Laura replies, earning grinning emojis from everyone- though mine doesn't really reflect my current state of mind- especially as none of my friends have asked about the class or given me any opening to talk about what happened with Petra's mother.

As the chat settles into the topic of my friends’ college life, I can’t help but feel more and more marginalised, like I don’t belong in this chat anymore- or even this group. I knew this would happen, of course, and mum and dad have warned me often enough that friends don’t last forever, but it’s still tough to actually watch it happen before my eyes, from a group of girls I was as close to as I am my sisters, is still a tough pill to swallow.

The smile returns to my face, though, when I get notified of another private message coming through- this time, from Petra, whose first message consists solely of three emojis- angry, sad and embarrassed, in that order.

‘Aww,’ I reply, followed by a ‘hugging’ emoji. ‘Seriously, you don’t need to be sorry, I’m already over it.’

‘Thanks,’ Petra types with a smiling emoji. ‘Mum is so embarrassing! It’s 2018 not 1918, why are people so shit about things like this?’

‘Wish I knew,’ I reply. ‘But honestly, compared to some of the things I’ve put up with it’s nothing.’

‘I remember Sam Reid,’ Petra types, bringing several bad memories to the surface and making the scar above my eye start to ache. ‘Even mum and dad thought that was wrong.’

‘Sometimes wonder where she is now,’ I type. ‘And when I say where I mean which prison.’ Despite myself, I can’t help but giggle at the ‘laughing’ emoji Petra replies with.

‘Living in a cardboard box somewhere hopefully,’ Petra types.

'Cardboard box is too good for her,' I type.

'Hope you don't think that about my mum?' Petra asks.

'She didn't swing a shoe at my face, that's a start,' I type, giggling as my message earns a 'laughing' emoji from my friend.

'I will talk to her,' Petra types. 'Make her know you are my friend whether she likes it or not. Ariadna thinks the same. You can never have too many friends!'

'No you can't!' I type with a 'grinning' emoji as an idea springs to mind. 'Brb.'

'OK,' Petra types as I return to the other chat window, where talk seems to have died down a little- a perfect opportunity for me to speak up.

'Hey girlies, got a question,' I type.

'Sure Ash, what's up?' Nicole replies as I take a deep breath. If this plan works, it could save me a LOT of stress in the coming few weeks.

'Would any of you mind if I added Petra into this chat?' I ask. 'Petra from my year, who was in cheer club last year? The Polish girl?' I bite my lip as this question is met with initial silence- hopefully the girls are giving this serious thought...

'I dunno, Ash,' Laura types, making my heart sink. 'I know you like her, but she is a bit like Melissa, isn't she?'

'Isn't she also the one who's really rich?' Mia asks. 'I always thought she was a bit stuck-up, thought she was too good to hang out with the rest of us.' Which 'Petra' have you met!? I think to myself.

'Yeah, I don't think so, Ash,' Nicole types. 'I mean, sure we don't mind you asking but we hardly know her?' Okay, not exactly going to plan, I think to myself. I take my time before deciding on my next move- I could go into detail about what happened with her mum and how Petra reacted to that, but that could easily come across as trying to play a sympathy card when I want the girls to like Petra for who she is. Though there is an easy way to accomplish that...

'What if she comes round on Saturday?' I ask. Problem with this plan though is that it's not my turn to 'host' on Saturday, it's Laura's...

'I dunno,' Laura says. 'When it's your house you can have her round obviously but I'd rather just keep it to the eight of us if that's okay?' Well, I think to myself. So much for 'you can never have too many friends'.

'OK no worries,' I type, before silently minimising the chat window and going back to chatting with Petra.

'Back,' I type, giggling as Petra sends me a smiling emoji in response.

'Hey, Cameron just came online,' Petra types, making me chuckle and roll my eyes- I immediately know what she's going to ask. 'Mind if I add her to chat?'

'You can never have too many friends!' I reply with a 'grinning' emoji as Cameron enters the room. 'Hey Cameron!'

'Oh, hey girls!' Cameron types. 'Wassup?'

'Just got back from ballet class,' I type, before adding a 'winking' emoji. 'We both did, actually!'

'Oh god,' Cameron replies with a 'laughing' emoji. 'Has she conned you into a leotard Petra?'

'She loves it,' I type, earning a 'sticking out tongue' emoji from my Polish friend. 'You're next, Cameron!'

'I stopped when I was ten and I am NOT going back,' Cameron replies with a 'sticking out tongue' emoji of her own. 'Dunno why you still go, Ash, I mean, you're girly enough, right?'

'No such thing as 'girly enough',' I reply with a 'smug' emoji.

'Lol!' Cameron types with a 'laughing' emoji. 'But I mean all your friends have stopped going haven't they? Laura and the others?'

'Melissa still goes, she's my friend,' I reply. 'So's Petra even though she won't be in the same class at the start. And you could always come back...'

'Lol,' Cameron replies again. 'I get what you mean. You can never have too many friends, right?'

'That's what I've heard,' I type as I ponder how sincere Laura was when she typed the phrase (or at least, its acronym) earlier. Cameron and Petra, on the other hand...

'Well either way I am NOT wearing another ballet uniform ever again!' Cameron types. 'Though it's pretty cool that you want to, Petra. Always thought you were better at cheer club than you reckon you are.' I pause, waiting for a mention of Melissa's favourite punching bag Allie- though surprisingly, the mention never comes. In fact, especially when you consider Melissa's attitude earlier this evening, the only people who've been snotty about anyone else were Laura and co just now about Petra...

'Hey, almost forgot,' Cameron types. 'Got a new make-up subscription box in the post today! Loads of stuff in it this time that looks shit on me, but I reckon would look good on you two?'

'That had better be because we have different skin tone to you?' I reply with a 'sticking out tongue' emoji.

'And hair and eye colour,' Cameron replies with the same emoji that makes me giggle.

'Well I won't say no to a make-up swap!' Petra chuckles.

'Same here,' I type.

'Cool!' Cameron types. 'My place on Saturday? I'll message Mel and Lucy and ask them too.'

'Sure!' I type, before remembering that I already have plans for Saturday- and for the first time, I'm genuinely torn between which friends I'd rather hang out with.

Okay, Laura and her friends were being crap about Petra tonight, but they are still my oldest and closest friends. Just because we don't go to school together anymore doesn't mean I just forget they exist- sure, they forgot me yesterday, but looking back on this morning's messages it's clear they're all genuinely sorry about that. And the phrase 'you can never have too many friends' doesn't just mean 'make new friends'- it can just as easily mean 'hold on tight to the friends you do have'.

But on the other hand, ever since returning to school Melissa and co have become much more 'real' in terms of their friendship too. Melissa didn't have to stick up for me today, but she did. Petra didn't have to apologise for her mother's behaviour, but she did, and Cameron didn't have to invite me to her make-up swap, but she did. And hell, even Lucy managed to get through a whole day without being passive-aggressive toward me, which I'm sure she considers a big step.

Ultimately, though, when Saturday rolls around I find myself spending it at Laura's house. Cameron was disappointed, as was Melissa, but they do understand- after all, I hadn't actually seen, as in physically seen Laura or the other girls in a whole week, whereas I got 'face time' with Melissa and co all week at school. And would do again the following week, and the week after that, and after that etc.

However, as I hung out with Laura, Nicole, Harriet, Mia, Megan, Suriya and Priya, I began to feel just as out of place as I did during the group chat on Tuesday, After all, they're not schoolgirls anymore, and I still am. Life would've been so much easier if Laura had just said 'yes' to Petra hanging out with us as well- I wish they knew just how torn I feel between my two groups of friends...