The big night finally arrived and I was ready when Kurt arrived with Melisa and Brian. Because it was the Homecoming dance I dressed casually, a mini showing my legs a cute blouse with a scooped neck and two inch heels. I did my own makeup and my hair had been style a week before at a photo shoot, so I was looking better than I thought I would. Everything was perfect except for the butterflies in my stomach.

Chapter 14

I was still on a high when I went to school Monday. All my indecision about being a girl seemed to be gone, but then again I had felt that way before, but I might as well enjoy myself until I wanted to be a boy again, NOT. Kurt was waiting for me by the front door. I swear that boy must really like me a lot.

“Guess what?” he asked

“What?”

“Tiffany admitted she lied about you.”

“She did?”

“Yep, and she’s going to tell everyone she did, so we’ll have out reputations back.”

“Thank God, and now I have some news for you. Mom says I can go to the dance with you.”

You’d have thought I just gave Kurt a Christmas present, from the smile on his face.

“Swear?”

“Yes, except we have to double with Melisa.”

“Melisa, the junior girl?”

“Yes.”

“I know her, she’s nice. I think she’s going with Brian Cox. He’s on the football team with me. Come on, I’ll walk you to class.”

Kurt took my hand and intertwined our fingers; I guess I’m his girlfriend now.

Things got back to normal. Tiffany was shunned because of the rumor she lied about and couldn’t look me in the eye when we saw each other. Kurt seemed to be spending more and more time with me, as the dance grew closer.

The big night finally arrived and I was ready when Kurt arrived with Melisa and Brian. Because it was the Homecoming dance I dressed casually, a mini showing my legs a cute blouse with a scooped neck and two inch heels. I did my own makeup and my hair had been style a week before at a photo shoot, so I was looking better than I thought I would. Everything was perfect except for the butterflies in my stomach.

Kurt came into the house and Mom gave him the, don’t you dare touch my daughter speech, and then took a few pictures and then it was off to the dance. We had a wonderful time and Melisa watched me like a hawk.

Ginny was at the dance with two of her friends. She looked good and spent most of the evening dancing with whichever stag guy asked her. It was nice to see that my suggestion to her had paid off and it was good to see her smiling. I would have to call her in the morning to see if she snagged some unsuspecting boy. Something else I noticed was Tiffany wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I guess her embarrassment was too much for her to take.

My curfew was eleven o’clock since the dance ended at ten. We left a half of an hour early so we could spend time alone, well if you call four of us alone. Kurt and Melisa knew we couldn’t go somewhere and make-out so we went to the local burger place for a soda and just to talk. I’m kind of glad, because I wasn’t ready for steamy sex, God I’m only fourteen, but if I failed at not getting a kiss from Kurt at least once, I’d feel like a failure.

Our touches had become more than just holding hands. Kurt would put his arm around my waist whenever we were walking and I in turn found my arm around him. There was something that felt so right about all this, forgetting that I was still Mark under all these clothes.

We left the restaurant just before ten-thirty so we would make it home with minutes to spare. Kurt was driving and I wanted so badly to be able to sit next to him, but seatbelt laws were just the thing to make fathers happy that there would be no hanky-panky going on while driving, well not legally. I still hadn’t gotten my kiss.

We arrived home and Kurt walked me to the door. The porch light was on, and I knew Mom was waiting on the other side of the door.

Kurt took both of my hands in his and said, “I had a wonderful time tonight Amanda. Thank you for going with me.”

“Thank you for asking me,” I said.

There was nothing more to say except goodnight and I didn’t want to be disappointed so I looked up into his eyes and raised myself up toward his lips. Thankfully he took the hint and lowered his mouth to mine and I had my first kiss. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it had a profound effect on me. I was in love.

I watched as Kurt drove away, before entering the house. Surprise, surprise, Mom was waiting.

“Well, did you have fun?” she asked.

“Oh Mom, thank you so much for letting me go. We had such a wonderful time,” I gushed.

“Did your young man behave himself?”

“Yes Mom, he was a perfect gentleman.”

“Except for the goodnight kiss.”

“You saw?”

“I didn’t need to, your lipstick is smeared.”

I couldn’t help blushing.

“It was only a goodnight kiss.”

“Honey, I know, just be careful.”

I hugged my mother goodnight and went to my room for a fitful sleep. I couldn’t get my mind off of Kurt and our kiss. I knew I was one hundred percent girl now, well except for the obvious, but as far as Mark was concerned he was gone. If that were the case, then why did I wake from my dreams in a sweat? I always ended up as a boy with short hair and muscles, kissing Kurt for all I was worth. I had asked my mother to start a girl’s puberty, but was that what I really wanted, or was my life and my fixation with Kurt just a way to confirm I was now a girl? Was that kiss a girl’s first kiss, or was it a homosexual experience that Mark had desired? I didn’t know anymore, having lived as a girl for over a year, was I trying to overcompensate for my insecurities and was I being honest with myself? I know I still have to model to keep us in our home and Dad in therapy, but if I didn’t have that responsibility would I still want to remain a girl? God how I hate dreams, all they do is screw up my mind. I was so sure of my desire to become a girl, and now, it isn’t fair.

I rose the next morning and looked like death warmed over. I don’t think I slept more than three or four hours combined. It was wake and sleep, wake and sleep, toss and turn. I swear I had bags under my eyes. I showered which helped wake me up, but as I passed my mirror, I looked at the scrawny girl reflected back and wondered if having no shape was the reason for my nightmares. Hopefully the doctor can start my puberty soon.

I called Ginny like I promised and woke her from a very restful sleep. She wasn’t happy.

“Hi Ginny, it’s Amanda.”

“God Amanda, it’s only nine o’clock.”

“Time to rise and shine. I promised I’d call to see how things went at the dance?”

“Things went well at the dance, it’s this morning that things didn’t.”

“Why what happened this morning?”

“You woke me up.”

“Well aren’t we miss Grumpy in the morning?”

“You know how I hate mornings, but since you called and I’m missing my beauty sleep I might as well be civil. I had so much fun last night, and one boy said he’d call to ask me out.”

“Wow, really? Do you think your parents will let you go?”

“They don’t care, as long as I’m happy.”

“My mom wouldn’t let me, that’s for sure. I was lucky to go last night and the only reason I could was I doubled with Melisa. I know Mom won’t let me date alone for a while, probably not until I’m sixteen.”

“Why not?”

“My mom’s pretty strict when I comes to boys.”

“I can see her point, you’re so pretty, and you never know what the boy is like that you’re dating.”

“Kurt’s really nice. He kissed me goodnight.”

Ginny squeaked her approval.

“What was it like?”

“It took my breath away,” I embellished.

“Kurt is sooo cute, you two look so good together.”

“Thank you.”

“Did you notice Tiffany wasn’t there?”

’Yes, I guess she’s afraid to show her face.”

“I hope so, she ruined my life until you came along. I love you for all you’ve done for me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did, you gave me the confidence to be myself and I love you for it.”

“You’re a nice person, Ginny, and I love you too.”

After I ended my call with Ginny I called Cindy and pretty much told her the same thing I told Ginny about the dance and kiss.

“I wish my mother would let me go on a date,” Cindy lamented.

“Your mom won’t let you date?”

“Not until I’m sixteen.”

“I think my mom is going to do the same thing with me, unless I’m with a bunch of people. The only reason she let me go last night was that Melisa promised to watch over me.”

“At least you got to go. Oooh, Mom said you’re going to start hormones?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“You should. Girls our age started years ago.”

“Remember, I haven’t been a girl that long.”

“Amanda, you were born a girl and you’re just finding out now. Go for it.”

“We’ll see.”

“If you don’t, I’ll never talk to you again,” she laughed.

“Even if the hormones I take are for boys and I end up being some tall stud asking you out?”

“Give me a break girlfriend, you’re too pretty to be a boy.”

“What about that boy Andre Prej, something. He models boy’s and girl’s clothes and he’s so pretty. I think he’s a girl most of the time.”

I still think you should just be a girl and be happy.”

“How do you know I wouldn’t be happy as a boy?”

“Because you’re a girl inside. We’ve had this conversation a million times Amanda and you always end up agreeing with me.”

“I can still argue a little bit, and I do miss being Mark once in a while.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt and could do what I want. I can’t as a girl, and not because a girl can’t do the same things as a boy, but because of what I do for money. If I was to break my nose, your mother would have a fit.”

“That’s why they have plastic surgeons. After you start your hormones you’ll be able go out for girls sports like soccer and volleyball.”

“Then that’s what I’ll do.”

“Start your hormones?”

“No silly, go out for girls sports.”

“You might be a girl now, but that boy part of you will never change. I’m just glad you stopped climbing trees.”

“I had to or the boys would look up my skirt, bye Cindy.”

Over the next few weeks Kurt asked me out again, but Mom wouldn’t let me date, well, Kurt at least. Let me explain, I’ve been asked to go on a date with Jason Steele, you know the next newest Justin Bieber, to the United Music awards show in November. Apparently he saw my picture in Teen and had to meet me, so his people called my people and the date was set. I thought the whole thing was stupid, but it’s actually a working job. Hollywood is paying me to be seen with Jason and will fly me down to Hollywood for a complete makeover and wardrobe provided by one of the fashion houses I model for. Now don’t get me wrong, I think Jason is kind of cute and I’m going on a date most girls my age would kill for, but well, I still like Kurt and, oh never mind. Let’s just say I’m a very lucky girl right now.

The awards show is six weeks away and there were lots of things to do that didn’t involve the date. I guess because of the publicity who ever is putting this together needed the time to plan our every move. Welcome to the world of paparazzi, Amanda.

Three days after the call from my agents, Mrs. Meyer came to visit Mom.

“Rachel, we have to talk,” she said.

“Hi Gloria, what’s up?”

“I’ve looked into the request you made last week, you know about the hormones?”

Mom shook slightly before answering.

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well I talked to Amanda’s doctor and it took some persuading, but I convinced her that Amanda wants to start her puberty.”

“I didn’t think you’d work so fast?”

“Listen Rachel, time is our enemy and the sooner Amanda starts her hormones the better of she’ll be. She won’t have to worry about overcoming those pesky male traits like an Adam’s apple or facial hair. You told me she’s excited about starting her puberty.”

“I know I did, it’s just that I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do?”

“Why don’t we ask her then? Let her make the decision. I know she’ll want to do it, and like I said, time is our enemy.”

“Amanda, would you come here for a moment?” Mom called, to my bedroom.

“Oh, hi Mrs. Meyer,” I said, as I entered the kitchen.

“Dressing down?” Mrs. Meyer commented, looking at the choice of clothing I wore while I studied or just kicked back around the house. I looked like any other teen girl my age, worn old denim cutoffs with a pink tank top and no shoes. Just call me Daisy Mae.

“Amanda, Gloria came by to talk to us about your transition and we have a very important decision to make concerning you,” Mom said.

I looked questioningly at Mrs. Meyer.

“Amanda, your mother told me you wanted to start taking hormones to make yourself a bit more curvy.”

“Yes, last week.”

“Well I called your doctor and she’s agreed to allow that to happen, but we want to be absolutely sure this is what you want? Like I told your mother, time is very import and the longer we delay the harder it will be for you to look like a natural woman, without surgery anyway. I might add that the people you do business with are going to wonder why you haven’t started to become a woman soon. I just thought I’d add that.”

Wow, talk about blindsiding me. I know I had talked to Mom about starting puberty, but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. After the dance becoming a woman was all I could think about and nothing I wanted more. But as the last few days went by, I’ve had doubts as to whether I wanted to take that next big step. Yes, I absolutely wanted curves, but did I want to become a girl? When I look at Kurt, there is no doubt in my mind that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that I become indecisive. My mind keeps thinking of when Dad and I were together before any of this model thing took place. He was so proud of his boy and I was proud of the man I was becoming, a real man, not one of those beer drinking, woman beating assholes you read about in the paper.

To this day, I still can’t figure out why naming myself had made such an impact on me. I love being Amanda Flowers and Amanda James and to be honest I want to really become that person, it’s just that I love my father so much and miss the life lessons he was teaching me. My indecision could be because I miss my father so much. When I leave him after a visit my eyes always fill with tears, especially after calls me his princess. Perhaps if I transition I’ll become more at ease with myself, after all, Dad, doesn’t even remember a boy named Mark. What do I have to lose, I’m a girl already, so what difference could some hormones make anyway?

“Okay Mrs. Meyer, I want to start taking them. When can I start?”

“I made an appointment for you Saturday morning. You can go by on the way to visit your father.”

And so it was done, I was really going to become Amanda Flowers, the girl with a niggling doubt buried deep in her brain.

Saturday found Mom and I in the doctor’s office. There wasn’t any talk about what the hormones were going to do to my body except make me into a woman. Mrs. Meyer had seen to that. The only stipulation was that we paid cash and didn’t tell anyone that she had prescribed the hormones for me. Everything else was done by the book, blood work every visit with a checkup too. The meds were expensive almost double what they should be, but I guess that’s what you get when the doctor bends the rules a bit. It was a girl with sore buttocks when I entered the room to visit my father.

“How’s my princess?” Dad asked, as his face brightened with a smile.

“Everything’s good Dad. I went to a dance.”

Dad’s face became a scowl when I said that.

“Your mother let you?”

“Dad, it was the homecoming, and I went with friends. Nothing happened.”

“I hope not, or there will be Hell to pay when I get home. Tell me about this boy you went with.”

“His name is Kurt Grainger and he’s very nice. He goes to the same school as me. He’s on the football team”, I added, hoping it would make an impression, “Mom met him and she likes him.”

“Which reminds me, the doctors say I might be able to come home before Christmas, so I can protect my little girl from one of those football bullies.”

“Really Dad? Kurt’s not that way.”

“Yes really, Honey, and I’m just kidding about that boy.”

“I hope you do, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, sweetheart.”

Dad had been looking better each time I saw him. He can walk with a walker and has walked unassisted across his room to the bathroom. He still doesn’t remember some things before the accident, but he has regained his knowledge of his job and hopefully will be able to return to work in the future. Thankfully my modeling job has paid me more than enough to pay for his expensive medical bills.

Mom and I stayed the weekend as we usually do, returning home Sunday night. The message light was blinking on the answering machine. It was a message from Gloria stating that my date with Jason Steele was going to happen and to call her for the details.

The event was going to take place on a Tuesday night in Hollywood so we would have to arrive Monday night. I was scheduled for a dress fitting and makeover session Tuesday starting in the morning for the fitting and the afternoon to have my hair and makeup done. I would be picked up at our hotel. Jason and I would be driven to the awards ceremony and then to an awards party afterward. To say I was a little excited would be an understatement; I was going on a date with Jason Steele.

Four weeks later, Mom and I flew from Sacramento on the Monday before the big event, yep that’s what a date with Jason Steele was, an event. We were given a suite at the Bonaventure, being told only the best was good enough for Amanda Flowers and it wouldn’t look good for the photographers to see me coming out of a Motel Six for my big date. I could see their point, the rags that would be publishing the photos, not to mention the TV programs dedicated to Hollywood fantasy, would look for the smallest detail to make me look bad, so only the best for publicity.

I won’t bore you with everything that took place Tuesday, suffice to say the fitting took three hours and when it was done the dress I was to wear was stunning. Every bit of my wardrobe was co-coordinated from my lingerie to my heels. I didn’t know how I was going to walk, as these were the highest heels I had ever seen. Mom said they were five inches and I wondered if I would tower over Jason? I had grown to five foot six and still showed no indication of slowing down.

The afternoon was relaxing. I was given a mini spa treatment and was back to the hotel by four, coifed and made up as sexily as possible. Mom had more than a little concern with the way I looked. The word predator came to mind.

My dress was beautiful, showing more than a little of my legs. I critiqued myself and as usual hated my skinny legs, but had to admit they really did look nice with this dress. The phone rang to inform me the limo had arrived and Jason was waiting.

“I have to go Mom,” I said as I grabbed my purse.

“Oh no you don’t young lady, not before I meet your date. It might not be the real thing, but it is a date and I want to meet this Jason boy.”

“Mom, this is so embarrassing.”

“I don’t care, no introduction, no date.”

I called down to the front desk and asked then to have Jason come to my room, which he did. I have to give him credit for doing so.

“Jason, I’m sorry for putting you through this, but I won’t have my daughter dating anyone until I meet them. I know it’s old fashion, but that’s the way I am.”

“That’s okay Mrs. James, my parents raised me to be a considerate man and meeting a girl’s parents is the right thing to do,” he said, obviously kissing up to Mom.

“Well you two have fun, and Amanda, you behave yourself.”

God I could have died when Mom said that. It wasn’t like Jason and I were running off to some hotel to have sex.

“Your Mom’s nice,” Jason said, as he escorted me to the elevators.

“She can be a bit protective, sorry.”

“She should be. You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.”

I blushed.

Jason is seventeen years old and has been gaining popularity over the last year and a half. He had gone from an unknown boy singer to the latest teen heartthrob and his videos were selling in the millions of copies. He had been linked to several young girls over the same period of time and every time he was seen with someone new it made the rumor mills. I wondered what would be said about me as his latest flame?

Jason told me he still wasn’t used to the fame. He was raised in a small town in Iowa and only became noticed as a singer by accident. He was singing at a church recital and one of the members had brought her brother who happened to be a music director for a major record label. He liked what he heard and with Jason’s good looks the rest was history, instant boy heartthrob.

My story wasn’t much different, girl is noticed and girl becomes a model. I just didn’t know how popular that model would become. Small town girl meets small town boy and the sparks fly; yep the Inquirer was going to have a field day with this.

We arrived at the theater with flashes blinking so fast that I thought it was a light show. The Limo driver came around the car and opened my door for me, extended his hand and helped me from the rear seat. I hoped I was able to hold my dress down enough not to show the world my choice of panties for the evening. Jason slid out after me, smiling and waving to his fans. The teen girls in attendance were beside themselves as he turned to his left and right with his dazzling smile. I felt like another piece of eye candy for him until I heard my name being called, “Amanda.”

I looked toward the voice and knew a girl had called for me, but had no idea who it was. It was then that I learned of my fan base.

I had received fan letters ever since my career began, but my agency had forwarded just a few. The rest were sent to a department that did nothing but answer fan letters for all the models with a printed note of thanks for sending a letter. The response included an autographed picture of whichever model the letter was addressed to. But now there wasn’t anyone to buffer the adoration from my fans, and to be honest it was intimidating. Pens and papers were thrust to me for an autograph, which I signed, with a smile.

Jason finally took my arm and said, “We have to get inside.”

As we walked arm in arm to the entry, all I heard was, “Amanda, Amanda, we love you.”

The show was fun and sitting so close to all the entertainers was beyond description. To be in the same place as my idols had me in more than a little awe. Just being Jason’s date was pretty awesome and then being in the same room as Gaga, wow.

Jason won an award for being the up and coming entertainer of the year, and I kissed his cheek when he returned to his seat, to the flash of the approved photographers cameras. He couldn’t have had a bigger smile on his face.

After the ceremony we went to an after party at the Hilton. Cameras were everywhere. I realized this party was nothing more than a publicity thing for the artists. I was approached several times by TV journalists asking if I was Jason’s new girlfriend, to which I replied that we were just dating, oops.

The evening ended and I was driven back to the hotel.

“Amanda, I had fun this evening. Could I ask you to go out with me again?”

I smiled and said, “I’d like that very much, but I’m only fourteen years old and I know my mother won’t let me date until I’m sixteen.”

“Damn, I forgot you’re so young. You seem so much older.”

Jason might be seventeen, but he already knew the lines to use on impressionable young girls.

The limo arrived and the doorman opened the rear for me to slide out. Jason followed and took my hands in his. He looked into my eyes with his sexiest stare.

“Thank you for being my date Amanda, I’m going to miss you,” he said, and lowered his lips to mine. As they touched fireworks erupted, I was so in love with this teen idol.

Opening my eyes, I realized I hadn’t seen fireworks. I had seen the flash of cameras pointed in our direction. Oh God, I just knew who would be on the front page of every newspaper in the land, Jason’s new girlfriend. I wondered if Jason had kissed me for the cameras? I hoped not.

Jason was gallant enough to walk me to my room and kissed me softly once again. There were no more fireworks and I realized he was just a nice boy I really liked.

“Goodnight Jason, and thank you for a fun evening.”

“The pleasure was all mine and I’ll have my people get a hold of your people and maybe we can do this again,” he laughed.

I couldn’t help myself realizing he was just pulling my leg because of how ridiculous that sounded, but unfortunately that’s the way things were done in the entertainment industry.

Mom was waiting for me and it was nearly midnight. I know she was a little worried about her daughter, but also knew we could never be alone even for a minute. The risks were just too high for something embarrassing to happen to our careers. Jason didn’t need bad publicity, not did I, but it would harm a star like him more than me, as I was just an up and coming model with a small fan base. Nothing could be farther from the truth, which I would out find the next morning.