Lashes

Chapter 8

It was Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary so they went out to dinner and dancing. It was a date like the old days. They rolled in around one AM, laughing and carrying on like a bunch of kids, Yuk. Anyway they went to bed and I heard some moans and shrieks, mainly from Mom and the thought of what they were doing make me want to puke, I could never imagine my Mom and Dad making love and figured they only did it once before and I was the result.

Dad had to work the next day and got up at his usual five AM. He kissed mom goodbye and left for work. Once Mom was awake she could never get back to sleep so she got up and made some coffee for herself. I was in that zone between sleep and waking where everything seemed to be clad with fuzzy cotton. I vaguely heard the phone ring and a moment later I heard a cup hit the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

“NO,” Mom wailed.

My eyes snapped open as I ran from my bed.

“Mom, what’s happened?”

“It’s your father. He’s been in an accident. They’re taking him the to the hospital in Roseville, get your clothes on.”

I ran to my room and was dressed in less that a minute. Mom was waiting for me in the car.

It took an hour with traffic to reach the hospital. Mom parked the car and ran into the hospital with me following close behind.

“Where’s Lance James?” she almost shouted as she approached the nurse- receptionist.

“He’s in surgery, and you are?”

“I’m his wife, what happened?”

“He was in a car accident near Auburn. The police think he fell asleep and lost control of his car. He’s had severe head trauma and his left leg is broken. He’ll be in surgery for another hour.”

“Will he be okay?” Mom asked as tears filled her eyes.

“We don’t know, Mrs. James. If we can relieve the pressure on his brain and if he doesn’t get an infection he might live, but it’s too early to tell.”

“Oh God,” Mom whimpered.

“Please sit down, we’ll let you know as soon as we know anything.”

Mom and I went into the waiting area and found two empty chairs. The room held twenty chairs and more than half were filled.

“Mom, is Dad going to be okay?” I asked.

Moms could cure everything, and if she said he would be okay, then he would be okay. Moms work miracles.

“I don’t know honey, I really don’t,” she answered, defeat showing in her voice.

We sat without speaking for almost two hours. The nurse called us to let us know how Dad was doing.

“Mrs. James,” she called.

Mom looked up with a startled look on her face.

“Yes?” she asked, as she stood and walked to the nurse’s station. I followed.

“Your husband is out of surgery and is stabilized, however he has had serious damage to his brain, how serious we won’t know until he’s awake. We’re going to move him into ER and you’ll be able to sit with him, but I’m afraid we don’t allow children in the room. She can wait in the emergency waiting room.”

“But he’s only twelve,” Mom said.

“I’m sorry, but those are the rules, and I’m sorry, I thought he was a girl. I’ll keep an eye on him, he’ll be fine.”

That was it; I would have to stay in the waiting room.

I picked up a magazine to read and found a seat. It was going to be a very long day and night.

Mom decided it wouldn’t do any good for me to stay at the hospital and called Gloria to see if she would pick me up and have me stay with Cindy and her. Dad was in a coma and we didn’t know how long it would be before he woke. Mom wanted to stay by his side and there was no way she wanted me to remain alone in the waiting room. There were some really scary people in there and I’m glad she sent me home.

Gloria picked me up around seven on the evening. Cindy charged into the waiting room and threw her arms around me.

“Oh Mark. I’m so sorry,” She cried.

“Thanks,” I replied, “Oh Cindy, what are we going to do?” I cried.

Gloria went to the nurse’s station to have them inform my mom she was here. Mom walked from the door to the ER looking like death warmed over. Her distress was obvious from the look on her face.

“Gloria, thank you for coming.”

“Rachel, you and Mark are like family, I should be here. How’s Lance doing?”

“He’s still in a coma so they don’t know how extensive the damage is. The doctor doesn’t know how long he’ll be in one and I don’t want to leave his side in case he wakes. I might be here for a week or more, they just don’t know,” Mom said, desperately.

“We’ll don’t you worry. We have an extra bedroom and Mark can stay for as long as you want. You just take care of your husband, Mark will be just fine with us.”

“Thank you Gloria. I’d better say goodbye to Mark so you can be on your way. I’ll call you later and give you an update, Mark,” Mom called.

I went to her and she gathered me in her arms.

“Honey, I want you to go with Mrs. Meyer and Cindy. You’ll be staying with her while I’m here with your father. Be a good boy and do what she asks you to do. I’ll call you everyday. I love you my pretty, pretty boy,” she said, brushing my hair off my forehead with her hand and then pulled me into a hug. I could feel her tears on my shoulder.

“I love you Mom.”

Cindy tried to engage me in conversation during the ride home, but I just didn’t feel like talking. All I could do was worry about the father I loved so dearly and prayed he would be coming home soon.

The next few days at Cindy’s were uneventful. Gloria got me settled in the spare bedroom and now Cindy and I were together constantly, and other than that my life was as it always was, I played with Cindy, was her best friend and that was it. No mention was made of Amanda, other than a few times by Cindy and never by her mom. During my third day with Cindy, things changed.

The phone had ringed and Gloria was in deep conversation for several minutes.

“Mark, it’s your mother, she wants to talk to you.”

Mom called me everyday, but usually in the evening, so I wondered why she would be calling in the morning? I took the phone from Gloria.

“Hi Mom, how’s Dad?” I asked.

“Not so good, Honey. I already explained everything to Gloria and she knows what has to be done but I want you to hear it from me too. Your father had been stabilized, but this hospital doesn’t have the facilities to take care of him like they should, so he’s being transferred to SF General because they have one of the best trauma centers in the world. We’ll be leaving by ambulance in a few minutes and I’ll be going with him. I’ll call you later and let you know more when I find out what they plan to do with him,” Mom said, choking back tears.

“Mom, Dad’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” I said trying to comfort her.

“I know Honey, I’m just so worried.”

We spoke a little longer before I handed the phone back to Gloria.

Gloria hung up the phone and said, “ Well, it looks as though you’ll be staying with us for another week,” she said.

“Is that okay?”

“Of course it is. You’re like part of the family and I know you’re Cindy’s best friend. What do you think I’d do, put you out into the cold?” she laughed.

“No, I just thought I was being a problem staying here.”

“Heavens no, you’re no bother at all, but I think we should go by your house and get some clothes for you to wear. I don’t think wearing the same things over and over again is good for you.”

We went to my house and I packed a week worth of clothes, Mark clothes. Gloria said she didn’t want me dressing as Amanda without my mother’s blessing, no matter what Cindy wanted.

“Cindy, Mark’s a boy and I know you consider him to be your best girlfriend, but as far as I’m concerned, he’s our neighbor and I won’t be party to trying to change something that shouldn’t happen even if you wish it would. As far as I’m concerned Amanda is just a very pretty model who I represent for sessions and nothing more. What you and Mark do together is your business as long as you don’t get into trouble.”

“Yes Mom.”

So I pretty much moved in with Cindy and Gloria. Mom sent money to help Gloria with the added cost of me staying with her. Mom and I talked every night before I went to sleep.

A week and a half later Dad finally woke from his comma. Mom was sitting with him as she had done every day since his accident.

He looked up from his bed and saw her sitting with a book in hand.

“Rachel?”

Mom snapped her head up from the book and looked into her husband’s eyes.

“Oh my God, oh my God, Lance Honey, you’re awake, nurse,” she yelled.

The nurse came running to see what the commotion was all about. Seeing that my father was awake, she got on the phone to inform his doctor.

“How do you feel Mr. James?” the nurse asked.

“Sore, and why can’t I move my legs?”

“Um, uhh, I’ll let your doctor explain what’s happened to you.”

“Rachel, where am I, and where’s my daughter?”

Mom paused for a second before she asked, “Who?”

“Amanda, our daughter, where is she?”

Mom couldn’t believe her ears, what about Mark our son, she wondered?

“Uhh, she’s staying with Gloria and Cindy Meyers. You’re in a hospital in San Francisco. Do you remember what happened to you?”

My father got a serious expression on his face, trying to remember what had happened? The doctor entering the room saved him from the disappointment of memory loss.

“Mr. James, you’re awake. I’m Dr. Workman your attending physician. Do you know where you are?”

“My wife told me, in San Francisco, why can’t I move my legs?”

“You were in an accident and had serious head trauma. You’ve been in a coma for almost two weeks and it’s nice to see you coming around.”

“What about my legs?”

“We’re not sure why you can’t move them, but your head injury probably has something to do with it. One of your legs was broken in the accident. It’s going to take time for us to evaluate your injury, but you being awake, is a very big first step. I want you to rest for now and then we can take you for some tests later in the day. After we do, we’ll now the best course of action for you. Get to know your wife again, it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to her.”

Dr. Workman left my parents alone to talk.

“Rachel, what happened to me?” Dad asked.

“You fell asleep while you were driving to work. You’re lucky to be alive. God, I’ve been so worried about you. I have to ask you Lance, do you remember Mark?”

“Mark who?”

Mom sat in silence for a moment before answering.

“Never mind, just someone we knew.”

“When is Amanda coming to see me?”

“Maybe this weekend. We don’t want to rush things.”

“But she’s my daughter,” Dad implored.

“Let’s wait until you’ve finished with your tests. I’ll ask your doctor when it will be okay for her to visit,” Mom choked.

“What’s wrong Rachel? Did something happen to her?”

What was Mom going to say? Dad was awake and he was asking for his daughter, except he didn’t have a daughter. Oh sure his son had masqueraded as Amanda James, but why did he think he now had a daughter and not a son named Mark? It would take days before the extent of the damage to Lance’s head would be determined. Mom called to inform me that Dad was awake.

The phone rang and Gloria answered it.

“Hello.”

“Gloria, it’s Rachel, Lance has come out of the coma,” she said excitedly.

“Oh my God, oh Rachel, I’m so happy for you. How is he?”

“I don’t know yet. He’s had a lot of memory loss. He doesn’t remember Mark.”

“Oh no.”

“He thinks he has a daughter named Amanda. I don’t know what to do Gloria?”

“Did the doctor say if he’d remember?”

“Not yet. They’re going to take him for tests later this afternoon.”

“Let me get Mark so you can tell him the news. Mark, it’s your mother.”

My stomach lurched. Mom always called in the evening and I hoped she had good news. Gloria handed me the phone.

“Hi Mom.”

“Hi Sweetheart, your dad’s awake, Honey, your father’s awake,” Mom said. I could tell she was crying happy tears.

“Mom, really? When is he coming home?”

“Not for a while dear. He can’t move his legs,” she paused, “and he’s had some memory loss.”

“What do you mean memory loss?”

“Mark Honey, he doesn’t remember you?”

“He doesn’t remember me, I’m his son, Mom, how can he not remember me? We do everything together.” I said, and felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“Mark, that’s not all, he remembers Amanda and wants to see you, the Amanda you.”

“But how’s that possible? I’m Mark, not Amanda. Amanda’s just a……, I don’t know what she is?”

“Honey, I’ll know more tomorrow and he wants to see you. If I have to I’ll bring you here as Amanda then that’s what I’ll have to do. I don’t want anything to upset him until he’s finished with all of his tests.”

“Okay Mom.”

“Let me talk to Gloria, I love you Sweetheart.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

I handed the phone back to Gloria and walked back to Cindy’s room. I didn’t know how I should feel? My father didn’t know who I was? I hadn’t been Amanda for weeks and all my thoughts of being a girl had buried themselves deep in my mind. I knew that beautiful dress had messed me up because the longer I didn’t wear it the more like a boy I felt. I wasn’t unhappy, I liked being a boy and yet there was that niggling feeling I got when I was Cindy’s best girlfriend. If I was so happy being a boy, why did I like being her best girlfriend? God, Amanda Flowers was doing things to me that I just couldn’t control.

Cindy and I were playing a video game when her mother had called me to the phone.

“How’s your dad?” she asked, when I entered the room. “Oh God, you’ve been crying.”

“My dad’s awake.”

“Really?” she shrieked and gave me a hug.

“He doesn’t remember me,” I said, as the tears came again.

“Oh Mark,” she said as she held me tight.

Cindy held me for several minutes before I could talk again.

“My dad forgot who I am, but he remembered Amanda. He thinks he has a daughter.”

“Well, he does.”

“Cindy, I’m being serious, he only remembers Amanda and wants to see her in a few days.”

“Then be Amanda for your father and be her for yourself. I don’t know why you have to be Mark for God’s sake?”

“Because I like being, Mark.”

“And you don’t like being Amanda?”

“You know I do. You’re not being fair Cindy. I have a lot of things to worry about, and being Amanda isn’t one of them.”

“Oh come on Mark, you can’t seriously say that to me. I know you better than you know yourself. You’re my best girlfriend and you know that for a fact, and you’re not my girlfriend because you’re Mark. Face it, you’re Amanda even if you don’t want to admit it, but you will. I just hope it’s not to late when you do.”

I thought about what Cindy had said. Yes I did like being Amanda, but she just doesn’t understand that I like being Mark too.

Two days later found me at the hospital wearing a denim mini-skirt, a pink tank and white tennis shoes. I was the perfect twelve-year-old girl with my styled hair mascara and lip-gloss. As much as I didn’t want it, I was excited for Daddy to see his little girl.

The day had started early. Mom had driven home the night before and it was the first time I spent with her for over two weeks. Her hugs made the world feel right again.

The next morning I was up early. Mom wanted to be sure I was just perfect for my visit to the hospital. I pretty much did everything I did before the photo shoot, including shaving my legs. When Mom finished working on my hair and makeup I felt the familiar stirring in my stomach. I had missed Amanda terribly. Cindy had loaned me her old clothes that didn’t fit anymore with the promise that I would return home as Amanda so we could spend time together as two girls. I said I’d try.

I shyly entered my father’s room. His eyes were closed as he napped peacefully in his bed. Mom touched his shoulder to rouse him from his sleep.

“Lance Honey, I’m back,” Mom said, as Dad opened his eyes.

“I missed you,” Dad responded.

“Honey, I brought Amanda with me.”

When we arrived and Dad opened his eyes, he looked vacant, kind of like he was confused. It was as though he was searching for something and couldn’t find it. When Mom said I was here, his face changed, a brightness entered his eyes and a smile crossed his lips. Dad was truly happy that I was here.

“Hi Dad,” I said, Dad’s eyes filling with tears.

“Hi Honey, can I have a hug?” he asked.

I went to him and pulled tight to him with my head on his chest.

“Daddy,” I whispered.

We stayed that way for several minutes as both of us waited for the tears to stop. I love my father so much and seeing him like this was heart breaking.

“So, what’s my little girl been doing while I’ve been lying around?” he chuckled.

“I’ve been staying with Cindy,” I replied.

“Do I know her?”

“Yes Dad, she’s our neighbor and my best friend. You’ve met her.”

“I’m sure I have, I’m having problems remembering some things,” he said, wistfully.

I guess dad was, since he forgot who I really was, his son Mark, and why had he remembered Amanda? Dad’s doctor entered the room and smiled when he saw me.

“Well, you must be Amanda?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Your father hasn’t stopped talking about you ever since your mother said she would bring you here today. I must say you’re just as beautiful as he said. I’m Dr. Workman and hopefully I’ll be sending your father home soon.”

“Thank you, I hope so.”

“How are you feeling Lance?”

“A hundred percent better now that my daughter’s here,” Dad said, smiling at me.

“I can see why, she’s a lovely young woman, now let me take a look at you. You ladies might want to get something to eat while I look at Lance. I’ll be finished in twenty minutes.”

“We’ll be back Honey, after the doctor has finished.”

Dad nodded his head.

Mom and I went to the cafeteria and actually paid to eat some of that fine hospital food. We finished and returned to Dad’s room just as Dr. Workman was leaving.

“Dr. how is my husband?” Mom asked.

“He seems to be improving, but there has been severe damage to his brain, but to what extent we’ll have to wait and see.

“He’s going to be here for a while, maybe another month and then he can start serious rehab. I’ll be honest with you Mrs. James, you’re in for a very long healing process and we have no idea if Lance will walk again, or more of his memory will return, only time will tell. I can tell you this though; he’s in the best possible place he can be right now. I’m going to okay Lance on very minor rehab tomorrow. The sooner he starts, the better the outcome will be.”

“How much is this going to cost?” Mom asked, a worried tone in her voice.

“That depends on how he responds to treatment. It’s not uncommon for treatment to cost over two hundred thousand dollars, and if he needs constant care for the rest of his life it could run into the millions, but from what I’ve seen so far, he’ll be able to care for himself so I wouldn’t worry too much about the last figure I mentioned.”

Mom had visibly paled when the money was mentioned.

“We have health insurance, but I know it won’t cover costs that large,” she said.

“Many people sell their homes, or take a mortgage to pay for the care. I’m sure you can think of something. I know it sounds callous but what’s more important, your husband or your house?” Dr. Workman said as he walked away.

Mom sagged onto a chair in Dad’s room. Tears filled her eyes as the hopelessness of the situation filled the room. I moved to her hoping Dad wouldn’t see her despair.

“Mom, we’ll get through this, don’t worry, let’s just get Dad, better.”

Mom lifted her tear filled eyes to me and managed a small smile.

“I love you Mark, my pretty, pretty boy.”

We spent the rest of the day with Dad. His spirits seemed to lift the longer we where with him. I was surprised that he remembered my fledgling modeling career but couldn’t remember his son. The fact that he couldn’t remember Mark bothered me and yet I felt some sort of satisfaction being Daddies little girl. If being a girl could help him get better, then that’s who I’ll be, his daughter Amanda, but for how long?

The hospital was nice enough to have placed a portable bed in Dad’s room for Mom to stay, but they wouldn’t allow me to remain overnight, so Mom drove us home after visiting hours ended. She would be returning in the morning.

“Honey, Amanda and I have to go. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Dad’s medication was making him tired and I could tell he was fighting sleep. I went to him to say goodbye.

“Goodbye, Daddy, I love you,” I said, as I snuggled into his chest.

“I love you too, my little princess,” he said, before he lost the battle to sleep.

His little princess, I was his princess, God this Amanda thing was so going to mess with my mind.

“Mark, thank you for doing this for me and your father today,” Mom said, as she drove off the end of the Bay Bridge and followed the highway toward 80 East.

“Mom I’d do this everyday if it would help Dad get better.”

“I know you would, you’re such a sweet boy. Are you sure you don’t mind being Amanda for your father?”

“Mom, didn’t you hear him? He called me his little princess. Mom, I liked it when he did, it made me feel special, kind of like his little girl.”

Mom was silent for a while before talking again.

“Mark, I worry when you dress like this. I worry you’ll like being a girl more than being a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love you just as much whether you were Mark or Amanda, but you have to look at things from my point of view. You’ve always been my pretty little boy. I know we played our game, but it was just a game, a mother and her son doing something silly. I never thought anything would come of it. I love having a son and I worry that I might lose you.”

“Mom, I’m still your son, but as hard as it is to tell you this, I really have to. I love being Amanda when I’m Amanda. I feel like I’m a different person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be Mark. Mom, I’m just so confused right now.”

“Oh Honey, what am I going to do with you? You’re such a pretty girl.”

“Mom, Cindy says I’m a girl.”

“She said what?”

“Cindy says I’m a girl, I just don’t know it yet.”

“How could she know that? I wonder about that girl sometimes. What does Gloria say?”

“She doesn’t say anything, in fact she told Cindy she wouldn’t allow me to dress as Amanda without your permission. I know she makes money from Amanda, but I don’t think she’s comfortable with me being her.”

“She hasn’t said anything to me.”

“Maybe I’m wrong. You know how Mrs. Meyer is sometimes, she can be a little intimidating.”

“Yes she can. Would you like to dress as Amanda?”

“I don’t know, Mom, but I guess I would sometimes. I hadn’t thought of being Amanda while Dad’s been in the hospital, but when I dressed this morning, I did miss being a girl.”

Mom was silent again. We were almost to the Carquinez Bridge before Mom spoke again.

“Mark, if you’d like, I’ll allow you to be a girl now and then. You have to see who you want to be and if you’re really a girl like Cindy says, then it would be best if we knew before you entered puberty. I’ll tell Gloria that I don’t mind if you experiment with being the girl you are right now. I can see why Cindy thinks you’re a girl. If I didn’t know better, I would think you were one too, and it’s not because of the clothes you’re wearing. The girl you, comes from inside and I don’t know what to do to change it.”

“But what about all the things I did with Dad?”

“You mean like playing ball and fishing?”

“Yes, those are guy things.”

“And girl things too. Mark activities aren’t exclusive to one sex or the other, they’re just activities. What I’m talking about is how you think and how you relate to other people. With you, those things are feminine, whereas with your father they’re masculine. You relate differently. I think that’s why you feel the way you do about being a girl. You know, there’s nothing wrong thinking like a girl and still be a boy.”

“But I like being a girl.”

“I see, and if you had to chose, would you chose to become a girl, or continue being a boy? Once you made the decision you couldn’t change your mind, you would either be a boy or girl. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“I think I do.”

“Listen Honey, I don’t mind if you experiment with this boy, girl thing, but when you finally decide who you want to be, there will be no turning back and I’d love you just the same if you decide to become a girl. I also want you to know I’d rather you remained a boy. I just wonder how your father is going to react when he finds out his princess is really a boy named Mark?”

“Does he have to know?”

“Not right now he doesn’t, but it’s not a secret that is going to remain hidden when you start your puberty.”

“When is that going to happen?”

“It could be any day. Only your body knows for sure.”

“Do I have to go through puberty?”

“Yes Honey, I’m afraid you do.”

“If I want to be a girl, can I go through the same puberty as Cindy?”

“I imagine you could, but that would be a very big step to take. Don’t worry you’re not going to change into a man over night. It takes time and we’ll see where Amanda ends up in your life.”

“Yes Mom.”