Chapter 13

Toward the end of my eighth grade year, Mom found another student that lived near us. Her home was about five miles out of Colfax toward Grass Valley. We now had the opportunity to carpool. Melisa was a junior and I was able to ride with her to school. Mom drove us Monday and Friday, and Melisa drove, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Melisa was aware of my Dad’s injuries and my need to miss school with my modeling career and she didn’t have a problem with any of it.

“I heard you’re seeing Kurt Granger?” Melisa stated.

My face flushed.

“I’m not seeing him. We’re just friends.”

Melisa smirked and said, “That’s not what I hear. My friend Connie told me you were holding hands at lunch and I’m sure you’ve heard what everyone else is saying about you?”

“What?”

“God Amanda, everyone knows you’re sleeping with him.”

“I am not. I barely know Kurt and I don’t know where that rumor came from, but it’s not true.”

“Then where did the rumor come from?”

“I don’t know, but that’s why I was talking to Kurt. I wanted to know if he had anything to do with it.”

“What did he say?”

“He said no, that he would never say anything like that about me.”

“He likes you, you know?”

My face turned red again before I answered.

“Why would he like me, I’m only fourteen.”

“Probably because of the obvious, you’re the prettiest girl in school, and one of the nicest.”

“Then why is someone starting rumors about me?”

“Jealousy, girlfriend, someone hates you and will do anything to hurt you.”

“But why, I don’t even know who it could be?”

“Kurt will find out, trust me, he takes care of people he likes.”

I had a pretty good idea of who started the rumor, it’s not like it took rocket science to figure it out. Tiffany had warned me she would make my life miserable and obviously this was her attempt at it.

“What are you thinking about?” Melisa asked.

“I think I know who started this thing.”

“Who?”

“Tiffany. She doesn’t like me because I don’t bow down when ever she comes around.”

“Tiffany, I’m trying to remember who she is?”

“She’s that blonde girl with the big boobs and wears the tightest clothes she can,” I laughed.

“Oh yeah, now I know who she is. It’s no wonder she started rumors, I know for a fact that she went to bed with Jeremy Collins last year and did it with Kyle Morrison during summer vacation. She’s a slut and everyone knows.”

“Well I’m not, in fact I’ve never even kissed a boy and it makes me so angry that she would say something like that.”

“Did you tell Kurt that you think its Tiffany?”

“No, I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

We rode in silence for the rest of the ride and my thoughts turned to Kurt and the massive crush I now had on him. As hard as I tried I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I would turn fuzzy at every thought. My thoughts were making me feel uneasy. I’ve been living as a girl now, for fourteen months and I love my life as it is. I love being a girl, but, yeah there’s the ‘but’, I know I’m really not a real girl. Society sees me as a girl, a very popular one and even I get caught up in that popularity, which I’m sure makes being a girl much easier for me. I’ve fallen in love with the clothing and makeup. I like doing my hair, or having it done by professionals. I love the everyday tasks needed to stay pretty and I love shopping. I guess you could say I’m a girly girl. All of that I can understand, but what I can’t understand is why I have such a crush on Kurt? I don’t have hormones racing through my system so I can’t blame them, so why? Has my brain rewired itself to think female rather than male? Cindy said I was a girl and didn’t know it, was she right? Is that why I have these feelings for another boy, or am I gay?

Melisa dropped me off and I went into the house. Mom was visiting Dad and wouldn’t be home so I would walk to Cindy’s before dinner. I still had a lot on my mind. If I had a choice, would I become Mark again? Putting the money aside and Dad didn’t need the therapy that was costing so much money, would I really want to remain a girl? Being a girl has been easy for me, in fact easier than I thought it would be, but I missed the rough and tumble of being a boy. I know I could be a Tomboy but as Dad had pointed out just one injury could derail my career. Had I missed being Mark, you bet I did, but was it because I was able to be Mark or Amanda whenever I wanted before starting my new school? Which person was more important to me, Mark or Amanda? I hadn’t been Mark for fourteen months and was this just a case of missing something different? Being honest with myself, I love being Amanda. As a girl my friendships were much different. As a girl I could hug or say just about anything to my girlfriends, and I could do the same with boys. If I was Mark, I would be slapped if I was to hug most any girl with the exception of Cindy and I sure couldn’t say anything I wanted to a girl, but was it so important that I should give up my manhood?

As a boy, I felt different about things. I felt uninhibited with regard to playing games, the rougher the better, or being a slob, not that I ever was. Maybe Cindy was right about the girl thing. I would just jump in and do things, the Hell with the consequences. I loved the time spent with my father, doing guy things. Maybe that’s what I miss most of all. I wonder if Dad and I, the Amanda I, would have spent such quality time together? My father is a very special man, and I think we would have. I think the only difference would have bee instead of being his little man, I would have been his princess.

I had to ask myself, did I really want to become Mark again, the boy Mark, or did I want to remain Amanda and have Mark be a part of my life? I certainly couldn’t be Mark and be Amanda inside, could I, or did I even want that? If I had to make a choice today, Amanda would win, hands down, but I still had that little thought in the back of my mind, did Mark have a crush on Kurt or had I changed where people couldn’t see, inside my head. Had I truly become Amanda and not known until now?

It was just about dinnertime, and I headed to Cindy’s. We had a lot to talk about.

Even though Cindy and I go to different schools we both carry 4.00 grade point averages, so our conversation always waited until we finished our homework.

“How was your day with all the rich kids?” she laughed.

“It was terrible.”

“Why?”

“Someone is spreading a rumor about me.”

“You’re kidding, what kind of rumor?”

“They’re saying I slept with one of the boys that likes me.”

“What!”

“I know. Like that’s going to happen.”

“What boy?”

I couldn’t help myself as the blush covered my face.

“Kurt Granger.”

“Who’s Kurt Granger?”

“Only the cutest boy in school, and the nicest.”

“Oh my God, girl, you like him don’t you?”

“Cindy, what am I going to do? He’s like seventeen and I just turned fourteen and God, Mom will kill me if she finds out I like a boy.”

“She wouldn’t kill you, don’t be so dramatic Amanda.”

“Cindy, it’s not the age difference I’m talking about. It’s the Mark thing. Even I get creeped out thinking about it. Does this make me gay?”

“Amanda, you’re a girl and girls like boys and like I said before, you’ve never been a boy.”

“Tell that to my doctor,” I laughed.

“Tell me more about him?”

“He’s tall and plays football and is so cute I could just die every time I see him. I know he likes me, even Melisa said so and when we were holding hands today, I thought I’d just die.”

“You were holding hands?”

“Yes. I wanted to talk to him privately about the rumor and pulled him aside. Well we ended up holding each other’s hands and when I looked in his eyes all I could think about was kissing him. When we walked back toward his friends he didn’t let go of my hand, in fact he intertwined our fingers. He asked me if I would go to the Homecoming dance with him.”

“Oh Amanda, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to ask Mom if I can and hope she doesn’t kill me.”

“Your mom likes my mom, I’ll see if my mom will talk to her before you ask and maybe she will let you go.”

“I hope so,” I said, dreamily.

School was pretty much the same the next day, except the rumor had now spread throughout the whole school. I found Kurt at lunch and asked him to talk to me in private, and yes we held hands again.

“Did you find anything out?” I asked.

“Some things, and I think I’ll know who started this whole thing by the time school is finished. What about you, have you heard anything?

“Not much, but I think I know who started it.”

“Who?”

“Tiffany Kramer.”

“You mean the skank?”

“I know she hates me and warned me if I didn’t do what she said, she’d make my life miserable.”

“Well if it is her, I’ll take care of it. What did you do to her to make her so mad?”

“I became friends with, Ginny.”

“Who’s Ginny?”

“A girl Tiffany started bullying in the second grade. Because of that Ginny had no friends and she ended up being my lab partner last year. I thought she was kind of weird, but as I got to know her I found she was really nice. We became friends and Tiffany told me to keep away from Ginny and I told her to eff-off. Before that Tiffany want to be my friend in the worse way, because of what I do, but I could see right through her and when I chose Ginny over her, well, you can see what the results are.”

“I’ll double check with my friends, and if it is Tiffany, she’ll wish she never met you,” he said, squeezing my hand.

“Come on, we’d better get back, oh, did you ask your mother if you could go with me to the dance?”

“She’s down with my Dad and won’t be home until Thursday night. I’ll ask her then.”

“I hope she’ll let you go,” he said, as he slowed our walk back to his friends wanting to hold my hand just a little longer. Oh be still fluttering heart.

I don’t know if it was my feelings for Kurt, or watching Cindy and other girls my age become women, but I felt there was something missing, a figure. I had grown to five foot four since last year and I was still growing. I ate like a girl and was thin as a rail, which was good for my modeling career as a preteen model, but if I were going to continue with this career, I would have to get some curves. I know I could model lots of fashions that didn’t show many curves, but if I wanted to continue I would have to have the barest amount of a female figure, and to be honest I was jealous of girls that had a butt and at least a little up top. My fillets had gotten me this far, but I wanted more. Maybe that was why I was so dissatisfied with myself that I thought of being Mark again.

My routine each morning never varied. Curse the alarm, drag myself from bed and take a shower before Cindy beat me to it. I had to leave forty-five minutes before my best friend, so I obviously had to shower first. After my shower I would dry myself and stand in front of my door mirror and just look at myself. My eyes were always drawn to my penis. Because of the blockers it hadn’t grown any larger than the tiny thing it was when I was a little boy. My thoughts were always the same, was I disappointed because what little was there spoiled the look of the girl I portrayed, or was I disappointed because it hadn’t grown in size toward manhood? Perhaps I’m more critical of my looks than most other girls because of my job. I’ve been modeling for over a year and Amanda Flowers popularity has increased ten fold, all young girls wanted to be Amanda Flowers and just had to have anything Amanda touched, or recommended. Lush Cosmetics had risen to number three in sales and had already started negotiations with Mrs. Meyer to renew my contract.

The more I looked at myself the less I liked what I saw. My chest was flat, my waist barely went in and my hips were just as disappointing. My legs were just as much of a disappointment, my thighs were skinny and the transition from thigh to calf was boney. I was basically a girl with a boy’s body and I hated it, but did I hate the girl part, or the boy part? I could ask Mom to stop the blockers and start my male puberty, get some muscles, hair on my face and a penis I wouldn’t be ashamed of. I fingered my hair and realized that would have to go too, as would the beautiful complexion on my face, pimples, eww.

If I was to start puberty as a girl the hair will remain as well as the complexion, but even more important my boney body would become softer looking. Was that what I really wanted? I couldn’t help looking at my face and even without makeup, I was really beautiful and did I want to destroy my face if I chose to become a man? I couldn’t imagine what being a man with this face would do to me. I loved being pretty and I loved being a girl and maybe, just maybe Mom will let me do some rough things as a girl. I can’t imagine living as sheltered as I have for the rest of my life. If she lets me, I’m going to ask her if I can become a woman, because Cindy was right, I really am a girl inside.

Melisa and I arrived at school five minutes early. Kurt was waiting for me by the entrance.

“Hi Amanda, I’ve got news.”

“You found out who’s doing this to us?”

Kurt took my hand in his before he answered. It felt warm and I liked what it did to me.

“You were right, it was Tiffany. I confronted the bitch when she came to school this morning and at first she denied having anything to do with the rumor. I called her a liar and she broke down in tears and admitted she was the source. I told her if she didn’t make it right, I’d get our parents involved and I thought she would faint.”

“Why?”

“My dad is her father’s biggest customer and if he was to lose my fathers business she could pretty much forget about going to school here. Come on, let me walk you to class.”

“I have to go to my locker first.”

“Good, that way I can spend more time with you.”

I blushed. After that my day was bright again. No more problems from Tiffany and no more rumors, yahoo.

Mom came home tonight and I had things I want to talk to her about.

“How’s Dad?”

“He improved a lot since last week. He’s starting to walk again, with a walker of course, but it’s a start. If he keeps improving like he has, the doctor says he might be able to come home by Christmas.”

“Christmas, God, Mom, that’s so far away.”

“Honey, it’s only three months. He’s been gone for over a year. Don’t worry; those three months will pass faster than you think. How’s your school going?”

“Okay, I guess,” I said, with a slightly whiney tone of voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on Amanda, I know better than that. What’s bothering my little girl?”

“Mom, a girl at school spread rumors about me. It was so humiliating.”

“What kind of rumors, I hope it wasn’t about Mark.”

God Mom thought someone had told that I was a boy. No one even knows that I’m not a girl.

“No, Mom, it’s not that. She said I was sleeping with a boy who goes to our school.”

Mom couldn’t help sniggering, that would be a nice trick.

“Honey, that happens all the time. Every time a girl doesn’t like another one, that’s the first thing she’ll do to ruin the girl’s reputation. I hope you confronted her.”

“No, Kurt did.”

“Who’s Kurt?”

“The boy I was supposed to have slept with. He told Tiffany if she didn’t make things right, he’d tell her parents and his father would take his business away from Tiffany’s dad.”

“Why would Tiffany start a rumor like that?”

“Because I’m friends with Ginny, you know her, the girl who was my lab partner last year.”

“Why would she even care if Ginny’s your friend?”

“Because she’s a bully and has picked on Ginny since second grade. When I started school Tiffany wanted me to be her new best friend but I became friends with Ginny instead. She told me she’d get back at me so this is why she started the rumor.”

“Why did she say it about this Kurt boy?”

“Because he kind of likes me.”

“Everyone likes you Amanda.”

“Not like that, he has a crush on me.”

Mom visibly paled when I said that.

“And what about you, do you have feelings for him too?”

I hung my head. Mom knew I couldn’t lie to her and my actions just cemented what she already knew.

“Yes,” I said, softly.

“Amanda, what are you thinking? You know this is just for your career, not to like boys. How long has this boy had a crush on you?”

“Since my first day of school.”

“And you didn’t tell me about it?” Mom asked, as her voice increased in volume.

“Mom, I told him I was just thirteen and you wouldn’t approve of him calling me.”

“You’re certainly right about that, for two reasons, you’re too young and you’re a boy.”

“Mom, I’m not a boy.”

“Mark, you are one, as much as you think you’re not.”

“That’s just it Mom, I’m not a boy, I’m a girl and I want to remain one for the rest of my life. I want to start puberty as a girl.”

There I said it. The words I had so feared to say. My real feelings came out when I spoke before I thought of what I would say. Mom just looked at me. She didn’t look angry, but she had the same look on her face she had when she was told of my father’s accident, the look of panic at losing the love of your life. Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn’t sob, she just starred at me. I never felt so low in my life. I had just broken my mother’s heart.

Mom starred for what seemed like hours, until my eyes filled too, my tears ran from my eyes dropping into the floor.

Finally Mom said, ”Come here,” and opened her arms to hold me.

I rushed to her embrace and she closed her arms around me. I never felt more loved or protected.

“What have I done to deserve a wonderful daughter like you?”

Mom held me until my tears stopped. She had always comforted me when I was younger, but as I grew older Dad kind of fell into that mode. If I was hurt, he’d put an arm around me and comfort me, but this was different with Mom. It was as though she had finally buried her son and was starting to see the girl I had become.

“Mom, I’m not all that wonderful.”

“How can you say that? I can’t think of another girl who would have done what you did to help your father. Honey, I know how much you wanted to remain a boy after you started school, but learned to like who you were becoming. I’m your mother and could see you embraced being Amanda, but I could also see you wanted to be Mark, too. I can’t imagine the tension you must have felt when you couldn’t be Mark when you wanted. I know you missed playing with your friends, your boy friends. You used to come home so dirty but had the biggest smile on your face that I couldn’t get angry with you for doing boy things. Your father was so proud of you, especially when you stood up to those bullies and when he couldn’t remember you, God I thought I would die.”

“But he did remember me, the Amanda me.”

“Yes he did and you should hear him brag about his daughter, the model, at the hospital. He loves you very much, Amanda.”

“And I love him too, Mom. He makes me feel very special.”

“You said something a minute ago that I’m not sure I liked very much.”

“What was that, Mom?”

“That you wanted to remain a girl for the rest of your life, that you wanted to become a woman.”

“Yes, Mom, all the other girls in my class have started to get curves and I’m not. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and hate what I see, a boy with a pretty face. I want my body to match that face, please Mom?”

“Oh Honey, that’s such a huge step to take, and what if you change your mind after you start to become a woman?”

“Mom, I won’t. I keep thinking of what would happen to me if I became a man, and it scares me. I love my face the way it is now, and if I become a man that will all change. And I don’t want it to.”

“Honey being a man has nothing to do with your face, its what’s inside.”

“I know that, Mom, and I know I’m a girl inside. I don’t want to be a boy anymore.”

“I don’t know sweetheart, I’m going to have to think about what you’re asking.”

“Okay Mom, but please don’t take too long, I really want to have a girl’s puberty.”

We ate after that and I went to bed. I realized that I hadn’t even mentioned that Kurt had asked me to the Homecoming dance, but decided one decision on my mom’s part was enough for one evening and beside, Cindy’s mom was supposed to soften up my mom for me before I popped the question.

Mrs. Meyer talked to Mom the next day, mostly about the renewal of my contract with Lush. She informed Mom that my fees to the were going to triple, and my hourly rates for clothes modeling was going to go from ten thousand a day to five thousand an hour. Mom was beside herself. Then the subject of dating came up.

“Rachel, there’s something else we have to discuss and I don’t know if you’ll like what I’m going to say. It concerns Amanda and boys.”

“Amanda hasn’t had any problems with boys,” Mom said.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I know she hasn’t gone on a date yet, but she will be asked. Rumor has it that one of Hollywood’s new heart throbs wants to ask her to one of the awards presentations in November, and it would do her career nothing but good if she went.”

“Gloria, Amanda’s fourteen and there is the obvious problem with her real sex.”

“Listen, the date will be chaperoned and the two will never be alone. Basically those functions are nothing more than photo shoots. Amanda's part will be eye candy for the boy she’s seen with.”

“Are you sure nothing will happen to her?”

“Trust me, if anything did, I’d be the first one there to kill whom ever touched her.”

“I guess I’ll allow it, but just this once. I don’t want her dating on a steady basis.”

“Thank you, I’ll let Hollywood know they can arrange the date.”

“Gloria, something else has come up with her that’s a bit more serious. She wants to begin her puberty as a girl.”

Gloria could barely contain her excitement at the thought that Amanda Flowers was here to stay. Her biggest fear was that Amanda would someday decide that she would want Mark back in her life. If that was the case then her modeling career would be over and this news was like she had just won the lottery. Amanda was her meal ticket and if her husband wanted to divorce her, then it would be bye, bye baby. Amanda would be making millions, and Gloria got ten percent of whatever she made. Amanda was going to remain a girl and best of all she couldn’t get pregnant. It couldn’t get any better than that.

“I’ll call her doctor in San Francisco and see what can be done. Amanda’s under age and I’m sure it will take a little persuasion to let her start taking hormones, but I’m sure her therapist will think it’s the best for her.”

“I hope it is. I thought a lot about it last night, and she’s so sure this is what she wants to do. I hope I’m not wrong if I let her.”

Mom picked Melisa and me up after school. I rode shotgun and Melisa rode behind me.

“Amanda, are you going to the Homecoming dance. I heard Kurt asked you. We could double,” Melisa, asked.

I couldn’t help the slight twitch from Mom as she drove from the front of the school.

“I haven’t had a chance to ask my mom yet, Mom, can I go?”

Knowing my mother, I expected her to give me a dirty look and say no and that would be the end of it.

She surprised me when she asked Melisa, “Is this Kurt a nice boy?”

“Yes Mrs. James. He’s probably the nicest in school. He plays football and has the highest grade point average in the senior class.”

Mom was silent for a few minutes. I could tell she was uncomfortable about the thought of her daughter going on a date with a boy.

“Amanda, how do you feel about this dance thing? Do you want to go?”

“Yes, Mom.”

She was silent again and when she spoke, said, “If I let you go, I’ll want to meet this boy, and Melisa, you’ll be responsible to see nothing bad happens to Amanda.”

“I can go?” I asked, excitedly.

“Yes, you can go, I just hope this isn’t a mistake.”

Melisa gave me the thumbs up.

We arrived home after dropping off Melisa.

“Amanda, I want to talk to you. We have some things to discuss.”

“Let me put my things away, I’ll be right back.”

My thoughts ran to the, Mom’s going to give me the lecture about using my friends to get what I wanted and she wasn’t pleased.

“Yes Mom,” I said, as I entered the kitchen.

“Please sit down, I have some things to talk to you about.”

I sat at the kitchen table and waited for the lecture.

“Honey, I thought a lot about what you said last night about wanting to remain Amanda after you’ve finished your modeling career and I’m going to allow you to do it, become a girl.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather; my Mom was going to let me become a woman.

“Mom, really?”

“Yes honey, really. Gloria is going to contact your doctor and see what can be done to help you.”

I jumped form my chair and ran around the table gathering my mother in my arms and said, “Thank you, Mom.”

When we broke the hug and I returned to my seat.

“Do you think Dad will let me do this?”

“Honey, Dad already thinks you’re a girl.”

“But what happens if he remembers Mark?”

“We’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it, but I wouldn’t worry too much because I don’t think those memories will come back,” she said, wistfully.

“When can I start my puberty?”

“Gloria will let us know but it should be soon. Now, let’s talk about your date for the dance. First, don’t ever try to use your friends to fight your battles again. I know Melisa was just trying to help you, but I don’t like being put into a corner like that. If you had asked I would have let you go anyway. You’re a girl in high school, and girls your age start dating boys. I am surprised though that you want to date now.”

“Why Mom, I’m in high school?”

“Because you’re still a boy.”

“But I’m not, I never have been, I just didn’t see that.”

“I suppose, but I’m just not ready for my girl to be bringing boys home just yet. If you were still Mark I would have expected to see a girl on your arm, but as a girl, I worry about you. Things happen to girls that don’t happen to boys. Just be careful Amanda, now get your homework done.”

“Yes, Mom.”

I went to my room and dropped onto my bed. I could hardly believe what had just taken place, I was going on a date, and I was going to become a real girl. Then the weirdest thing popped into my head, what about Mark? I still couldn’t let go of Mark and wondered why? I wanted to be Amanda, so why did I still think about being Mark again? Did I really want to become Mark again, or did I just want to re-live the memories of Mark and the times I had with my father? I love being my father’s girl, but we’ve really never done anything as a father and daughter other than visit in the hospital. I had other memories of Dad when I was Mark, all the lessons for life that Amanda never was able to have her father teach her. My mind went blank for a second and then I knew, Mark’s memories would always be with me, the real me, Amanda, the luckiest girl in the world.