Chapter three

I woke up pretty early on Monday morning bathed then spent close to an hour applying makeup and making sure my hair was up to scratch before carefully getting dressed in my new white blouse and grey ladies suit, checking my appearance in the mirror every few seconds until I was fully dressed.

When I’d stopped agonizing over my appearance and was satisfied I looked fine I took my laptop and placed it inside its case and packed my handbag remembering to put my compact and hair brush first.

I breathed deeply then went downstairs to find Mum already making my breakfast after she’d heard me puttering around as I got ready. Whatever Mum thought of my transition she wasn’t about to let me go off to work looking silly or even on an empty stomach which is why she’d gotten up early to check that I looked okay and to feed me.

Whatever I was I knew I was still her baby and would be cared for as long as she was there. I had my breakfast while Mum scanned me from head to toe checking if I’d overlooked anything. Then she came over and touched my blouse collar which I’d already checked and knew to be okay but I thanked her knowing she was just doing what came naturally to her looking out for me.

“Your father and I haven’t decided on your name yet. We’d like a few more days dear,” she said.

I wondered if they were stalling but since they seemed to be thinking about it I decided to a few more days wouldn’t hurt.

“That’s fine but I’d like to see the solicitors before Friday,” I replied.

“Don’t you think you’re doing all this a little too fast? What if you change your mind later on but you’ve gone too far?” asked Mum not wanting to waste a chance to bring me to my senses with a good argument.

“Trust me I’ve put a lot thought into this, it’s not something I took a fancy to overnight. I’ve known I wasn’t a man for ages and it’s been tearing me apart. This is my chance to make peace with myself and I won’t let it slip past neither will I change my mind,” I remarked.

Mum sighed then asked if I needed a ride to work. I said no I’d take the Tube before I stood up and kissed her goodbye.

“Good luck,” she said which warmed my nervous soul.

I left the house with a spring in my step knowing Mum cared made life so much more bearable.

My journey to the station took a lot longer than usual thanks to my shoes which I hadn’t gotten used to but as I’d woken up early I had lots of time to spare. I hoped my gait didn’t look awkward then remembered one of Pete’s ex-girlfriends had told me I walked like a woman and that eased my anxieties a bit and I was much more relaxed when I reached the station. The place was already full of early morning commuters, which was surprising seeing as the streets had been deserted.

However, no one gave me a second glance to my relief and five minutes later I’d boarded a train bound for the City. My heart rate rose in tandem with every stop the train made as I realized I was getting closer to my workplace. Finally the train rattled to my stop and somehow I found the nerve to get out, get on the escalator and walk out of the station.

I deliberately walked the two blocks to the advertising agency I was employed at very slowly with my heart pounding away at an ever increasing rate.

What were people going to say? I asked myself.

What have I gotten myself into? I thought morbidly and I briefly thought of going back home but then wondered what Mum would say.

“I told you so,” her voice echoed in my head and that was more unbearable than whatever lay in store for me at work.

On reaching my destination I stood outside the building for a full minute taking a few deep breaths to calm myself before taking the plunge into the unknown.

Once inside the first thing to do was to get past the security guy who sat by the reception and kept the visitors log book. I walked past and he touched his cap to me. I smiled and went to the lifts where to my dismay there was already a crowd waiting. None of them took note of me as they were all intent on getting into the next lift. I stood up back a fraction until the crowd thinned by which time I was ready to get into the next available lift. I recognized a few faces from the other firms once we were inside and they recognized me too and used the mirrors to stare.

I looked at the door wishing the elevator would go straight to the 12th floor so I could stop being goggled at like a zoo creature. Finally after what seemed like an eternity we finally reached my floor and I made my way out, thankful for my release, though I could feel the eyes of my fellow passengers boring into me as the lift closed.

I wondered what was being said about me as I walked past the doors of my workplace and to the reception where Beth the receptionist was seated.

“Hi,” I began feeling my workmates merited greetings at the very least as I’d spend 8 or more hours in their company unlike the people in the other firms who I needn’t really worry about.

“Hi,” replied Beth, “had a nice break?” she said in a friendly tone and acting like me being a woman was of no concern although I thought she was having a hard time hiding her surprise at everything.

“Oh it was okay,” I replied.

“Mr Smith asked that you go straight into his office when you come in,” she informed me.

Thankfully the rest of the office was yet to arrive and I was spared the necessity of talking to people and ignoring their stares. I went to my cubicle and unpacked my briefcase before going to see the boss. His secretary wasn’t in as well so I went directly into his office and was admitted after one knock.

“Morning sir,” I said upon entering.

He smiled and said, “Good morning. How are you?” while motioning for me to sit down.

“I’m fine thank you,” I answered feeling less nervous.

“Excellent. Well Charlene I’m glad you’re back. I trust by your appearance your transition has gone smoothly?” he asked.

I nodded, “Yes sir it’s going well so far,” I told him.

“Good, good. I’ve kept my end of the bargain too. Everyone’s been informed of the changes in your life and they’ve been briefed on your name and to refer to you properly. I don’t expect any problems and I hope things will go smoothly. You’ve also got a personal bathroom, here’s the key. It’s the spare one just down the passage from the reception,” he advised.

“Thank you sir for all the trouble you’ve taken,” I replied picking up the key.

“Don’t mention. Just glad I could help,” said Mr Smith warmly.

He was a great boss just as I’d always thought. We moved on to my work, he gave me two new accounts to see to and told me I’d be working with Ridwan and Cathy and that Richard (who incidentally was the office’s new drinking champion after my abdication and a likeable fella) and John would be needing my help with the accounts I’d given up on my leave as they’d taken them over in my absence.

We didn’t want to unsettle the existing clients with my transition which is why I’d be getting brand new accounts to handle which was fine by me although my professional pride was a bit nettled that I’d had to give up a brilliant campaign for which I might not get the credit. We discussed a few technical things before I took my leave and headed back to my office deep in thought about my assignment and forgetting all my worries about how the others would treat me as well forgetting the sensation of wearing different clothes.

I got down to work and did some intense brainstorming to the extent of becoming extremely oblivious to my surroundings so much so that I didn’t notice the office filling up and the noise level rising until Richard popped his head in and said,

“Eh, hi. Alright if disturb you?” before walking in without waiting for a reply.

“Hi Richie how can I help you?” I replied as he appraised my appearance.

“So this is the new you, new voice and name huh?” he asked lightly.

I nodded, “Yes new and improved,” I joked making him chuckle.

‘New and improved’ was the phrase some of our customers adored but it was an oxymoron seeing as something improved couldn’t really be new. Still the cliché persisted and was a sort of standing joke between us.

“I don’t mind telling you I was shocked when Smithy told us about you. I wondered if you’d lost it,” admitted Richard, “but then again I know you to be a careful, thoughtful person so you’d obviously worried yourself sick till you made up your mind about it. So good luck, I hope everything works out for you,” he offered.

“Thanks,” I said meekly, somewhat taken aback by his respect for my choice.

Gosh, I wished everyone would take a cue from him and realise I wasn’t a child making half- baked decisions without weighing the pros and cons. I’d done that and I knew I was my own worst critic but I’d still come to the conclusion that being a woman was the way to go and it bothered me that people couldn’t respect my informed choice as an adult to run my life as I wanted.

After Richie’s show of confidence we talked about the accounts he’d taken over I gave him advice on how to run them and everything before we were satisfied that there’d be no problem and he left and I returned to my work but I couldn’t concentrate and longed for a cup of the wonderful coffee our firm supplied us with.

That meant taking a stroll to the communal coffee machine and subjecting me to that fickle mistress known as public opinion and the stares that went with it, a rather unpleasant prospect for which there was no solution except to go through with it.

Anyway postponing it would only pique their curiosity. I sighed, picked up my mug and did what had to be done. The instant I appeared in the open plan office the chatter lessened as everyone paused what they were doing to take a good, hard look at me.

Acting supremely unaffected I made my way to the coffee stand where I found Raisa and Sheryl gawking but they smiled quickly and gave me over friendly greetings and I wasn’t sure if they were being friendly or as I suspected they were covering the fact that they’d just been talking about me minutes before being the gossips they were and me being the topic of the day or was I getting paranoid?

Perhaps I should have twirled, smiled and said, “You like?”

I couldn’t tell but I couldn’t do anything about it except sticking it out and staying positive or that’s what I tried to say to myself as I walked back to my cubicle and heard the office start returning to life and the buzzing started. I knew I’d be getting discussed even as I sat down as my appearance had guaranteed it. I shrugged it off and tried my best to do my work.

Later I had to call Ridwan and Cathy so we could begin our assignment. Ridwan couldn’t hide the look of utter disgust that showed on his face when we made eye contact. I was appalled and wondered how on earth I was supposed to work with him when he seemed to loathe me for being transgendered.

I hid my disenchantment behind a professional countenance and Cathy looked the same and I thought, ‘At least I’ll get something done with her. A neutral person is fine with me.’

Nobody addressed each other by name; we just did our job ignoring our private thoughts about each other while working out proposals for the client’s campaign. When they’d gone I found myself typing into my journal on my laptop-

“Being a woman is going to make my office life unpleasant but who cares, I am what I am and I love it and if I’m happy with myself which I am what everybody thinks shouldn’t count. I don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy nor am I going to ask for it. If they don’t like me then tough luck for them, they have no idea what their missing.”

The rest of the day was neither good nor bad but somewhere in between. Every time I went into the outer office (three or four times) I was greeted by the same looks as before. Nobody talked to me unless it concerned work and that was fine by me as it meant no one was going to ask me about my sanity or criticise me (I’m being silly here. No one would say anything because they’d been told not to question or hound me). Besides I hadn’t expected to be given hugs and kisses on arrival or to be harassed either. All I wanted was to get on with my job. Of course I expected a lot more from my family even though I didn’t their approval but their love which is the one thing I did worry about.

I’d never wanted that at work. Anyway I stayed on late as per habit and for the sake of avoiding all those people staring at me at knock off time. It was only when Richie popped in and asked me for a drink that I left my work.

“Hey Charlene, still in, fancy a drink?” he asked.

The most decent guy in the office I thought as I replied, “I’m about to go but I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I quit a while back,” I said.

“Oh how about dinner then I know this great place where I can go without a reservation,” he offered.

“Sounds fine I’ll just clear up,” I replied warmly.

Richie was treating me just like he’d always did but was using my proper name and I was really grateful for that. Maybe there was hope for this firm yet.

To be continued.