Sydney Moya

 © 2016

Chapter thirteen

I saw Claire’s features freeze and I couldn’t define the expression on her face, it was a mix of fear, confusion, and shock.

“Claire, are you still there?” Julie asked, she sounded worried.

Claire looked at me and her eyes looked gave it away, she was still hurt and vulnerable, clearly unsure what to do.

For the first time I had no idea what to say.

“I’m sorry I sprang this on you,” went on Julie before Claire finally found her voice again.

“I’ve got nothing to say to her. I don’t want to meet her Julie. Goodbye,” she said in a steely voice before ending the call and switching off her phone.

She looked at me, her eyes bright and I gave her a hug, right there in the street.

“Charlene,” announced Helen McMillan at the end of one session a few weeks later.

“Yes,” I said, rather despairingly.

I just went to see her because I had to not because I wanted to.

I wasn’t too happy at the fact that I still hadn’t received my go ahead for the surgery. I felt she was dragging her feet at my expense, in effect putting up more hoops for me to jump through.

She kept saying she was still gauging my state of mind. I wondered what there was to gauge. I had proved that I could live successfully as a woman, my relationship with my family was mostly intact and I was a better a person than I had been before my transition. What more did she want?

I didn’t appreciate it to say the least and was thinking about getting a second opinion. I hadn’t bothered asking her about a timeline for my surgery as I didn’t see the point. She’d been great until now. I was beginning to see her as an impediment to my progress.

“I think it’s time we started looking into your surgery,” she announced.

I was over the moon.

“Really,”

She nodded and smiled.

“It’s about time,” I said, a silly smile plastered on my face.

“I’m sorry if you felt that I’ve been delaying you. I’m required to ensure that only people who can meet the standards of care are put on the list,” she said apologetically.

“Yay I’m on the list. Thank you,” I responded happily.

I wasn’t the only one receiving good news.

Claire received an unexpected visitor at work. She called me that evening, sounding very emotional.

“It’s me Mum,” she murmured.

I waited for the explanation and she duly narrated what had happened.

“ McCaskill you’ve got visitors,’’ her supervisor had announced.

“Who are they?” Claire asked from beneath the car she was checking out.

“Dunno, just get yourself to the bay will you,” the supervisor gruffly said.

Minutes later Claire was at the visitors bay. Standing there was her mother, her back turned. For an instant Claire’s heart stopped, she felt bile in her throat, her face tightening into a frown. She stood there stock still, looking at the woman who’d brought her into the world and then disowned when she’d voiced what she believed was her true identity.

Claire’s brain told her turn back and head back to work but her heart wouldn’t allow her to turn her back on her mother.

‘I’m a glutton for punishment,’ she thought.

So she walked towards her until she was right behind her before giving a gentle cough. Her mother turned and saw her, she tried to reach out and embrace her but Claire stepped back, holding up her hands.

The embrace died before its birth leaving an awkward moment where the two women just stood looking at each other.

Claire’s mother finally broke the silence, “I thought you wouldn’t come,” she began.

“So did I,” said Claire, trying and failing to keep the ice out of her voice, “What do you want?”

“I wanted to see you, its been a year since I last laid eyes on you,” answered Mrs McCaskill.

“Well I’m sure we know which one of us wanted that,” responded Claire, unmoved by the attempted rapprochement.

"I know, I just came to ask your forgiveness. I'm sorry," her mother remarked, her eyes watering.

Claire was stunned, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

She rushed to the woman who'd brought her into this world and gave her the hug to end all hugs.

She was very happy when she called, telling me everything.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"I know I can't believe it either," she said.

I could feel her happiness over the phone.

We talked about what it meant.

"It turns out she had a heart to heart with Julie and the new GP and they made her understand everything I was going through," Claire explained.

"What about your Dad and your brothers?"

"Mum says their still upset but she thinks they'll come around," Claire explained.

My friend was the eternal optimist, always hoping for the best while I had a more pragmatic streak. Its one of the things I liked about her. She was so upbeat about life all the time no matter what it threw at her.

I would live to regret that.

Claire and her mum had lunch later that week with Claire telling her all about her life over the past year. Her mother apologised profusely again for everything. Claire sent me a text saying things were being patched up.

"Don't move back in just yet," I teased her though truth be told I was overjoyed for her.

Family is so important and I know how much it hurts when you think they don't care.

Not everyone in her family was like her sister though, her older brother Logan came by that Friday as she was knocking off work.

"Hey," he yelled when he saw her.

Claire's heart sank, she tried to increase her pace.

Logan upped his pace as well.

"Hey you fairy, I'm talking to you,'' he hollered.

Claire ignored him, walking away hoping he'd leave her alone. Logan ran up to her and grabbed her by the wrist.

"Let go," said Claire.

"No you listen up you stupid fairy. Stay away from Mum and Julie we don't need your sort around us,"

"Go to hell!" Claire said angrily.

"What did you say to me?"

"Go to hell Logan, why don't you leave me alone?"

Logan punched her repeatedly, felling her in the process. Once she was on the ground, the blows rained down, one after the other her screams piercing the air.

When I went to see Claire at the hospital, I was shocked at her appearance. Claire's face had been battered, she was black and blue, quite a sight. The nurse had told me she was in a bad way but that she was conscious.

I felt my heart break, how could people do this to each other?

I quickly hid my emotions behind a mask. I couldn't let her see my shock.

"Claire, how are you?" I asked in a concerned voice, while plastering a false smile on my face.

"Charlene," she croaked, ''you came."

"'Course I did," I murmured taking her hand and squeezing it.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"I brought you some flowers," I said, placing them on the table.

I was rewarded with a small smile.

"How are you?''

Claire shook her head, "Not good. I just want to go home," she remarked.

"Soon, just get better okay," I told her, “you can come and stay at my place, ‘kay?”

Claire shook her head slowly, "I don't know,'' she said quietly.

“You’ll be okay sweetie,’’ I urged her, willing it with all my heart to be so.

I hurried to the station. I hadn't seen her for a couple of days because of the deadline I was facing. I was worried about her, she sounded really down whenever I called or texted her. Her last message was quite uplifting thanking me for being a friend. For some reason this worried me. I’d promised Claire I’d be in to see her yesterday but I’d been held up at work. I knew she was depressed but I’d got her some chocolate in the hope of cheering her up. The train moved far too slowly. I worried I might miss visiting hours.

‘Dammit,’ I thought.

Finally after an age I reached the hospital and raced up to Claire’s ward. To my surprise Claire’s bed was empty. I looked around the ward and couldn’t spot my friend.

I went to the nurse’s station to find out if my friend had been moved or discharged.

“Hi, sorry to bother you but I can’t find my friend. Claire McCaskill,” I explained to the duty nurse, a middle aged black woman.

“Hello let me see,” said the nurse.

She typed in the name and I saw her face fall.

She looked up at me, “I’m sorry but Ms McCaskill passed away yesterday. I’m sorry.”

I looked at her.

“No,” I whispered, “no.”

That must the moment the tears began to fall and with my eyes a practically blinded I staggered to the benches. The sobs escaped from my throat with ever increasing intensity. I don't know how long I sat there or how I eventually got home.

I was stunned speechless when I heard Claire had died. I honestly didn’t know what to feel, I was just numb. My cheerful, sweet friend was gone forever. I would never see her bright smile again.

I looked at her last text to me, a sweet message I hadn’t replied too as I was in a meeting. She’d passed away a couple of hours later.

I couldn’t get any news of the funeral arrangements; days went by and neither Claire nor Julie's phones were being picked up. When I went round to her place it was locked. When I went to her workplace to enquire about what was happening I was told she’d already been buried at the East London cemetery. Her boss told me she’d been buried as Cyril, her old name.

I was horrified, that would have been the last thing my friend wanted.

I cried that night, missing my friend and feeling terrible that I’d been unable to even say goodbye to her. Maybe it was my fault, I should have told her to be careful about her family, as a leopard can’t change its spots.

I morbidly wondered if Will might kill me too, for the first time I feared my brother.

Over the next few days I fell into a funk, I carried on as normal but inside there was a hole in my heart. I could be watching the telly and see something which would remind me of something Claire had done or said. I could be at work and a client would be shitty and I’d think of telling Claire to complain then I’d remember.

“She’s dead,’’ I would think.

I wasn’t familiar with death. My grandparents had passed away before my birth. My immediate family was still alive and I’d never experienced this pain. It was awful.

It was so unfair. Claire had so much to live for.

‘Why?’ I asked for the umpteenth time. Needless to say an answer wasn’t forthcoming.

For the first time in a while I went to an AA meeting. I was in so much pain and I wanted it to stop. My lovely friend was gone and I couldn’t cope with it. The only coping mechanism I knew was the bottle and there were many occasions when I came close to turning back to my old friend.

I knew Claire would have been mad I'd fallen of the wagon because of her so I went back to AA. The meeting helped a bit as I realised I didn’t have to give in to my demons, I wasn’t weird for wanting to numb the pain. Like I've said it helped a bit but the gaping hole in my heart remained.

Getting my surgery didn’t seem half as important anymore. Who would I share my euphoria with now? She was the only one who'd known what I was going through. For some weeks I was just a robot, mechanically going through the motions but completely gutted inside.

To be continued