A New Direction

Sydney Moya

©2015

Chapter 11

I can’t begin to describe the nature the nature of my thoughts and emotions concerning Richie in the four weeks that served as his notice period. I wanted to talk to him but he’d clearly made it a point to avoid me and I was too reticent to seek him out. His behaviour confirmed my suspicions. Ever since our date at the theatre things between us had gone pear-shaped. He didn’t pop in to say hi or to ask if we could do lunch like he used to. Furthermore we were working on separate accounts so professionally he had no reason to consult me. So the weeks and I grew to despair of the thought of going to a workplace where I had no one I could call a friend. Richie was the only person who’d gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable. To everyone else I was a pariah. Richie’s avoidance of me brought home that fact.

The day of Richie’s farewell party and departure came too quickly but come it did. As usual I was alone and definitely not enjoying myself while everyone feted Richie.

I’d better go home I thought even though I badly wanted to talk to Richie. I took another glance at him, he was still surrounded by people but our eyes met and we held each other gaze for a second before I tore my eyes away and went to my cubicle.

Seconds later I’d packed my things and was leaving when I noticed Richie standing by my door.

“Oh hi Richie,” I said.

“Hi,” he answered.

“So you’re leaving,” I started for lack of anything better to say.

“Yes,” he replied.

We stood in silence gazing at each other and wondering what to say.

"You weren't enjoying the party?" Richie asked, breaking the silence

“No not really,” I replied honestly.

How could I when my only friend was leaving possibly because of me?

“I was about to leave,” I added.

“Oh,” he said his voice holding a note of disappointment.

He turned to leave.

“Richie wait,” I whispered and he halted, surprised.

I went over to him.

“Look I’m sorry about things turning out the way they did, I never meant to hurt you it’s just that I didn’t share your feelings,” I told him looking into his eyes, “and I want to thank you for being a great friend and being the only person who treated me like a human being. I loved every second I’ve spent with you and I don’t want you to leave with hard feelings,” I said very sincerely.

He looked at me for a few seconds before coming over and embracing me.

“No hard feelings,” he said as he held me in his arms for what seemed like an eon though it still felt nice. When he let go I promptly pecked him on the cheek.

“That’s for giving me a lovely first kiss,” I told him while I blushed wildly, “good luck and best wishes on your travels,” I added warmly.

We hugged each other again.

“Thanks girl, you will keep in touch right?”

“Yes, make sure you reply,” I teased before letting go.

“’Course I will.”

The office was never the same place after Richie’s departure. I had absolutely no one to socialise with but was still grateful that I’d parted on amicable terms with Richie. When I told Pete about the whole Richie affair he told me it was my fault in a way.

“You sent him the wrong signals,” he remarked as he sipped his Coke.

“How, I never once told Richie that I loved him,” I responded.

“Well maybe not but to some guys’ actions speak louder than words,” he replied in a rather knowing tone.

“I don’t get you because I never insinuated that I loved him either by word or gesture,” I answered half-irritated by his assumption.

“You went to dinners and lunches with him right?” Pete queried.

“Sure but that was for work purposes,” I retorted.

“Really,” said Pete looking at me with smiling eyes, “was advertising the only thing you two ever discussed? Didn’t you talk about colleagues, family, yourselves? Didn’t you make him laugh and laugh at his jokes in turn? He trusted you, you’re more attractive than you probably think and maybe he doesn’t mind you being transgender and its becoming harder and harder to reconcile you and the Charlie of 11 months ago,” remarked my friend.

In a way I could see his point but it rankled.

“So you’re going to say he fell for me because I was friendly and entertaining?” I asked, shocked.

“No I’m not but stranger things have happened,” said Pete with a smile.

“That’s not fair, are you saying I can’t be friendly to someone because I’m asking them to fall for me?” I asked, “Because that’s ridiculous.”

“You’re right but it sounds like what happened with Richie. You were nice to him and he assumed you loved him. Guys are like that,” commented Myra matter-of-factly, “you have to keep them at arm’s length then when you have one keep him on a leash,” she joked making me laugh.

Pete didn’t find it funny, “Say what?”

“It’s a girl thing, you wouldn’t understand,” replied Myra as we chuckled.

Even though I had no friends at work I still enjoyed my job, it was challenging and fulfilling and I made up for the lack of social interaction there by starting to go out again. Myra, Claire and I set up a girl’s night in and a girl’s night out every other Tuesday and Thursday. On those Thursday’s the three of us would spend the evening watching chick flicks and giggling incessantly about everything while on the Tuesday’s we either went clubbing or ate out. I never touched alcohol but always had fun and enjoyed being with my friends. The fact that Myra actually loved being with me and Claire, calling us, ‘a pair of silly girls,’ which in a way we were and treating us naturally was wonderful and Claire and I really appreciated her friendship.

You have to be transgendered to know how it feels when people of your chosen gender know your situation and still choose to accept you completely as one of them, it’s fantastic.

Time went by and before I knew it the one year anniversaries of two momentous events in my life came up. The first was my decision to quit drinking and the second and most important was my decision to embrace my true identity. I could scarcely believe it when they came by 2 months after each other. I hadn’t let a drop of alcohol pass my lips in over a year and looking back I wonder how I did it, the first two months were the hardest though the AA programme helped. It wasn’t until I came out to everyone and stopped living as a guy that the urge to drink lost its potency.

Sure there had been times when I felt tempted to buy a pint and this usually happened when I was stressed like after my argument with Wills or whenever I was in a restaurant and saw the wine list, reminders of alcohol being everywhere in this country and it being a social lubricant makes it a hard thing to ignore especially for an ex-boozer like me but there I was, a year later, alcohol free.

No more blackouts and killer hangovers, in a way I had removed a burden from my shoulders by becoming a teetotaller. Hot on the heels of this anniversary was me completing one year living as me! I remembered that first day when I’d struggled with my hair without hormones and unsympathetic family, I’d spent the day in bed eating milk and cookies and watching dvds and feeling miserable. How things can change in a year! I had hair that almost reached my shoulders now and though I still had bad hair days none of them were half as bad as that first day. I loved the way I looked now, I had the body I’d always wanted with one exception down there. The majority of my family accepted and supported me and I had great friends and best of all oestrogen was now the dominant hormone in my body, I was more in touch with my emotions, felt a lot less aggression anger and I was a lot calmer.

There were no more erections and in 3-4 months I would have the surgery I’d waited for my whole life. Naturally I felt like a million bucks and to celebrate Pete, Myra and Claire took me for dinner where a great time was had by all even though no one had wine with their meal in solidarity with me.

“I’d like to thank you all for a lovely evening and for making the last year the most interesting and happiest of my life,” I told my friends at the end of the meal.

“Hear, hear Charlene,” replied Pete lifting his soft drink in a toast, “and I’d like to thank you for letting us in on your secret identity, as Charlene you’re far more interesting, healthier, funnier and thankfully I don’t have to carry you home every night after you’ve drunk too much,” he teased.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for telling me to get help and not abandoning me when I told you what I was going through,” I replied with a smile.

“Don’t mention it, what are mates for?” Pete said grinning back.

To be continued