Chapter Four

“Edith he is really serious about becoming a girl and if there’s anything I know about Charlie it’s that if he really wants something and had set his heart on it he’ll get it and he is really determined and won’t heed a thing we say,” Mum declared to her pal, Edith Dalny early that evening.

“But why Maggie, he’s got everything he could wish for, a nice job he likes and good looks. I just don’t get it,” replied Mrs Dalny, shaking her head.

“I don’t understand him either. He told us he hated being a man, that’s why he drank so much and that he couldn’t go on living a lie. I suspect he might have a point. He once told me he was a girl when he was a wee child and he always preferred playing with girls, you remember that friend of his that sweet girl, Ellen, they were inseparable until she moved away. He always avoided playing boys games and I thought it was a phase but now I’m so confused,” answered Mum unhappily.

“Now he speaks like a girl all the time, got his hair done, wears makeup and women’s clothes and went to work dressed as a woman and calls himself Charlene,” went on Mum, “I just don’t know what to do with him at all,” she finished in a tired voice.

“So how was your first day?” Richie asked, after we’d left the office and were making our way to the restaurant.

“Sierra Square, Double Delta,” I told him with a smile., being a Tom Clancy addict like me he knew what it meant.

“S2D2. Same shit, dreadful day,” he said. “That bad, don’t worry it’ll get better,” he consoled.

We had a nice dinner, talking shop all the while and I was glad for a pleasant end to a not so pleasant day.

Later that week I decided that Ridwan was a bastard and slimy lowlife, no doubt he had similar opinions about me and while not expressing them verbally his body language told me as much.

Why did I come to such a conclusion you might ask? Well it’s because we clashing with each other on our joint assignment and I felt he was trying to undermine everything I was trying to do and to frustrate me at every turn for no reason except that I was transgendered. I longed to be finished with the account so I’d be rid of him.

Meanwhile I’d also begun classifying my colleagues into three groups depending on how I thought they were acting and taking my transition. The first group I labelled ‘Friends’, it had only one member, Richie who was the only person I could really talk to unguardedly. Next up were the ‘Neutrals’ which consisted of mainly the ladies in the office and a few guys who had no qualms with me being a woman of if they did it didn’t show. I could count on them to act as the pro’s they were and I could say a word or to two to them. the last group I dubbed, ‘Enemies’ and it definitely included Ridwan and a few other guys who seemed to take my transition as a personal insult to them and I dealt with them in two ways. Avoidance where possible and by being at my very best and highly professional if I had to interact with them.

Of course I tried to keep my interaction to a bare minimum. In the meantime I’d visited a solicitor to get my name changed and sort out the legal side of my transition.

Mum and Dad had chosen a second name for me despite their feelings about what I was doing.

“Dad and I found a name for you. We thought May would do as that’s what we’d wanted to call you if you’d been born a girl,” my mother told me.

I was pleasantly surprised at their co-operation and at the news that I’d have been known as May had I been born ‘ok’.

“May,” I murmur to myself, “it sounds nice,” I concluded.

It took Pete to show me the humorous side of my full moniker. When I told him name he said,

“Okay, you may cross,” he teased.

“Cross what?” said Myra puzzled.

“Oh don’t be silly,” I told him.

“Charlene May Cross but don’t cross her if you know what’s good for you,” continued Pete happily making us all chuckle at his silliness.

That Friday I went to the solicitors and had my name changed by deed poll from Charles Cross to Charlene May Cross and to celebrate I had dinner with Pete and Myra. I was really happy I’d taken this massive step of doing away with a name I’d never liked or accepted in favour of my true title, the one I’d always longed to be called by- Charlene.

My dream was unfolding slowly and nothing from Ridwan, Wills, Mum and Dad or any other obstacles was going to stop me from living it.

I had to live for at least one month as a woman before I could qualify for hormones and it felt like an eternity to me. Adjusting to living as a woman was tough at first especially with a curve less body. Somehow I got through that month and I learnt invaluable lessons along the way not least of all, that image is everything.

This meant I began spending a lot more time on my appearance than before because women are judged more on how they look than anything else. I’d spend my spare time experimenting with makeup, which is almost routine for adolescent girls but wasn’t for me as I hadn’t done it in nearly eight years and it was like starting from scratch even with tips from Myra.

Still it was fun and it didn’t take long for me to get the hang of it. I noticed that when I made up my face my confidence rose exponentially and I could face anything, it was like having my own suit of armour. I also found that I was starting to spend a lot more time checking out clothes and thinking if they’d go well with this or match with that as well as analysing other girl’s outfits and critiquing them based on my own taste.

Like a good friend Pete accompanied me to the hospital for my appointment with the endocrinologist. I was so excited and I think I wouldn't have been able to make it there on my own. Besides Pete had a car and I didn’t savour the journey by tube so he took me.

There were other transgendered people when we got there and I think Pete was slightly disconcerted by their presence though he said nothing. Later he told me it was because all the girls there didn’t look like guys, which wasn’t how he expected transsexuals to look.

“Is that how you think of me? Do I look l like a guy?” I asked him, taken aback by his views.

“No you don’t. You’re rather good looking. You always looked like a woman anyway so it’s normal for you,” he replied in a rather matter-of —fact tone.

“Oh, then what do you mean?” I enquired.

“I meant you could pick up any of these girls in a bar, they don’t look like they were ever guys,” explained Pete.

I sighed, “That’s the whole point. No woman wants to look like a man at all so they’ll do anything to look good, besides it’s a confidence booster to look pretty okay. They aren’t guys and they don’t want to be taken for guys so they’re not supposed to look like they were guys,” I told him.

“Amazing isn’t it,” he said with a smile.

When I got my pills I immediately popped one and Pete looked at me expectantly. It was like he expected me to grow boobs instantly.

“Well,” he said, watching me.

“Well what,” I retorted.

“Feel any different,” he replied.

“I’m excited but that’s coz I finally got them. It’s got a sweet taste, I think that’s because I really want it but there’s no magic yet,” I said, “ask me in a week. The doctor said I’ll be able to see something then,” I added.

“What’s gonna happen then?” he queried interestedly.

“Well my skin will begin to get a lot softer and then in time I’ll get real breasts, hips. Basically I’ll turn into a woman and I can’t wait!” I said excitedly.

“Now I’m sure you were never a guy,” said Pete sardonically.

“Why?” I replied.

“Just the way you’re acting. If you were a man getting boobs would scare you,” he said with a smile.

I smiled back.

Two months passed and I realized I was happy. I spent nearly every evening at home with Mum and Dad watching the telly, reading or surfing the net. I discovered transgender fiction and it didn’t take long before I was hooked on Bigcloset and Sapphire’s Place and the myriad of tales they contained.

I had developed a nice bust though it was small I loved showing it off when I was at home much to Wills chagrin. My body was changing rapidly thanks to the hormones, my bum got bigger as did my thighs and hips. I lost my abs and got toned tummy in their stead while my waist became smaller. My skin was softer than before and I lost that hardness guys have as the adipose tissue under my skin was increased by the action of the oestrogen. My hair seemed to grow faster while bodily hair growth which wasn’t much in the first place seemed to slow down to nothing.

Getting boobs was the best part, it was so exciting to have them and they couldn’t grow fast enough for me. When I was in bed I’d find myself gently touching the soft round mounds feeling their gentle curve and getting this feeling of contentment that I was a girl at last.

My face changed slightly as more fat was deposited on my cheeks, softening my cheekbones and my jaw.

Jo was the first to tell me how beautiful I looked.

“You are lovely Charlene and your complexion is to die for,” she gushed one Saturday when I caught her eyeing me weirdly and I’d asked what the matter was.’

I felt my pride soar because I hadn't used any makeup that morning. My mother said nothing, not wanting to encourage me but I knew Dad and her where happy at least with the fact I was retaking control of my life. I hadn’t touched alcohol in six months, had just enrolled for another qualification and it was patently clear I wasn’t the same binger I’d been.

They were beginning to believe my drinking might have been caused by my desire to be a woman after all though this didn’t mean they accepted the new me.

Pete was fascinated by the changes in my appearance.

“You know I can hardly believe you’re the one formerly known as Charlie,” he said one evening, you don’t drink, wear lipstick and high heels and have morphed into a woman.”

I pulled my tongue at him though I loved hearing how much I’d changed.

“Thanks man that’s a big compliment,” I said happily.

“How are the hormones going?” he asked.

“Great! I’m calmer now, I don’t get stupid hard-ons anymore and I feel normal. I’ve got breasts and it feels wonderful. My skins so sensitive now,” I said leaving out the bit about the wobbly bits on my thighs and bum that was a bit personal.

To be continued.