Regrets, I've Had A Few
by WannabeGinger
But then again, too few to mention……… I don't think so!
Indeed, many crossdressers have lives filled with regrets. They/we have to console ourselves with the high spots, the wonderful interludes in which we indulge ourselves. Before we feel guilty, or before we hastily hide away things that will betray our desires.
We can't summon the courage to disclose our feelings to someone we love — wives, girlfriends, whoever…. Could they ever react positively? Not on your life! Worse still, we may throw the "baby out with the bathwater" at times, believing that we can do without indulgence of our feminine instincts.
We throw away the clothes we have kept hidden. We ditch the cosmetics that we struggles to learn how to apply with care. We even put a beautiful wig into the trash; the wig that finally transformed the image in our mirror and made us feel whole, or wholly female.
I've been there and done all of these things. More than once. And yet…… the impulse is still strong.
In the street, I admire women I see, usually for their striking and beautiful hair at first; then the facial features and how make-up highlights the best aspects for them. I admire their clothes, it's true, but only as part of the whole picture…. the illusion that I would hope to adopt, if they're "my type" of girl.
So what do I do? I buy more clothes, or at least underwear, of my own. I can wear my wife's clothes when she's not around (I'm lucky) and can buy her things I might fancy for myself. Then, what do I do, I chicken out and throw my things away again.
I read and write CD stories, living through them the fantasy that I can't bring into reality………….. The Big Closet is the best of them all, beacuse Readers like you give feedback and comments happily, but it can't be logged onto my "favourites" for fear of discovery. I do enjoy a visit to a Transformation salon occasionally, when business travel permits or gives an excuse.
I call myself Karen when I'm dreaming, in memory of a client who was a wonderful (GG female) businesswoman with striking green eyes. She was tall but made the most of it; no fear of heights, she wore high heels that accentuated her shapely legs….. as I should do. She had a wonderful fall of highlighted blonde hair which I continuously dreamed of copying, if only my own hair would grow fast! We could have made music together.
Regrets, there's another. I read loads of stories that deal with TG and surgery, S&M and dominance, forced feminizations……… these aren't for me……. I just wish… I just wish…. for gentle, understanding of the desire for a boy to be more like a girl, just now and again.
So, I keep my secrets "back in the box"… Pandora's not a lady I could live with. I tried to discloe all of this to my wife one time, but she hit the panic button! The limit I'm left with is to wear lipstick from time to time……… if it makes me feel better…….. Oh, so much more could be beautiful.
How can a wife be involved willingly?
………….But, through it all, when there were doubts, I wish I'd done it "my way".
Be happy,
Love Ginger. xx
Comments
Wonderful
You have captured the essence of our frustrations at our duality perfectly.
Been there (Am there?), Done that. Ditto here.
There will be a lot of head-nodding over this short, incisive piece.
But about your wife and my own: How well do (did) we really know them? Or ourselves, for that matter. My lovely woman abetted me in some early (before children, both still in grad school) transgender exploration, but it soon became obvious that it was a strain on her and I (unwillingly, but at least not begrudgingly) eased away from our shared experiments and eventually did almost nothing myself. That was nearly half a century ago; at least I found the internet some twenty years past and that has been a major psychological help. But for her part, she reiterated recently that she had felt so insecure when our sons were young -- would she be left high and dry while I opted in favor of skirts, high heels, etc. and a life without them? (And this was nearly a decade after our early, muted escapades. The memory is still very strong for her.)
Could this have worked out better for both of us? Typically male, I had insisted that we get married as soon as we could (age 21), while she (typically female?) had preferred that we wait a bit. Neither of us was very strong on interpersonal relationships (Failure of our education or simply our personalities or both?), so she gave in and we started out on the sometimes stormy seas of matrimony.
Slowly our society is being exposed to new ideas, many of which are difficult to entertain let alone to understand. But it may be a kind of progress that will make our thoughts, hopes and fears today seem really antiquated a century from now. I know I've not discussed transgender ideas with either son, but I feel confident that society has made it possible for both to be somewhat familiar with the concept. Inasmuch as I'm pleased with the forward-looking and positive views of both, I suspect transgender or gay culture will be well tolerated by each.
But that does little for our agonies of the present. If I only knew! And thanks so much for the internet and all the people and ideas it exposes me to daily.
Tears
You made me cry. :)
Your regrets
Quite a lovely piece that says it all for many of us. You've touched upon the most dangerous secret of all; the one we can't disclose to even those closest to us.
Thank you...
Karla
Yes,
I have been there and done all that and more! I climbed out though. It wasn't easy, I suffered a lot. But now I'm free, I'm me and very happy.
I wish the same for you!
Hugs,
Diane
been there
bought (and then thown out) the LBD. I hope you can find some kind of compermise you can live with. Otherwise things will stay the same, or maybe get worse. Hugs.
Thank you all - you lovely ladies!
Can't tell you how much your feedback means to me!
Love Ginger xx
"I just wish
ALISON
'for the gentle understanding of the desire for a boy to be more like a girl,
just now and then"!! I think,Karen(Ginger)that just about says it all !
Thank you.
ALISON
Been there - done that!
Thanks for such a super summary of what so many of us have experienced.
I'm old now, but I still dream and write stories.
Johnny Cumlately
Echo......Echo
Nicely written journal for many of us. If only......
Joanne
Regrets
I could have written 98% of this. "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are 'it might have been'."
Portia
Portia