----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------
Christmas Special!
 

Kris has been struggling with gender confusion. On Christmas Eve, in the midst of a party full of girls in holiday finery, his sister offers to dress him up to see if it will help him to understand things better. He agrees to give it a try, and his world comes crashing down around him. He needs a miracle.
Will he get one?

by Mona Lisa

---

 
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday 12-22-2009 at 05:39:50 -0500 am, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 

---

“Oh dear! Oh, that poor child!”

Clarence, an angel of first class status, looked down on a small town, through the snow and into the playroom of an Edwardian home. He watched a thirteen year old boy named Kris play games with his two sisters and four female friends.

The melancholy in Kris’ soul was hidden to the girls, but Clarence could see it like a stone in a glass of water.

“What is it, Sir?” asked his assistant, Lewis, as he flew over to Clarence.

“There’s a child in trouble down there on earth who is about to do something terrible and needs our help.”

“Something terrible? Like what?”

Clarence looked gravely at Lewis.

“Like ending it all.”

“Oh no!”

“Yes, Kris needs a guardian angel right away! Send for Gloria!”

“Yes, Sir!”

Moments later, Gloria glided up to Clarence.

“You called, Sir?”

“Yes, Gloria. Do you see Kris down there?”

“Oh, yes, that poor — girl?” She looked back at Clarence.

“Yes, Gloria. She may look like a boy, but she is a girl.”

“Oh, my! That’s no way to grow up — not in that world!”

“Gloria, you need to go down there and help her. She’s about to do something terrible and she needs your help.”

Gloria’s mouth slowly opened.

“Oh no, Clarence, she isn’t going to-”

“Yes, she is. You have to go down there and prevent her from ending her own life.”

“But, why? Why is she going to kill herself?”

“Well, it’s like this…”

* * *

Kris got himself ready for bed, looking forward to Christmas, which was only two days away. He put his clothes carefully away, brushed his shoulder-length hair until it was free of tangles, and knelt by his bed to pray.

“God, I know you’ve heard this prayer enough times to be sick of me a thousand times over, but… it’s really important.” Kris looked sadly down at his hands as he took a quiet breath. “Something’s not right, God. You know it and I know it. Every day of my life, I know it. Every time I see a girl, I look at what she’s wearing as much as I look at her. But why? I thought I was a boy. I shouldn’t be so interested in what girls wear and what they do. But I am. I am so confused and I hate living like this. I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere because I’m not like anyone else. Please, God, please help me figure it out so I don’t have to live like this anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I need you, I really do! Please help me? Please?”

* * *

“You see, Gloria, she’s overwhelmed by what she has to deal with. It’s taking its toll on her. It was always part of The Plan for her to understand, but she’s having such trouble hanging on until then. Without your intervention…” Clarence trailed off.

“I see.” Gloria quietly answered him. “Well, what are we waiting for? Send me down there!”

“Oh, I will, don’t you worry about that. But first, you must watch and learn. You will need to know all about her to help her.”

“Very well. Show me. But please hurry! I can already tell we haven’t much time.”

* * *

After giving himself a final check in the bathroom mirror, Kris headed downstairs to join his sisters in the living room while they waited for their guests to arrive.

The Christmas tree in the front hall still only had a small handful of presents underneath it — nowhere near what was usually there — and it was Christmas Eve.

Still no presents? Gee, that’s really weird. We usually can’t fit them all under the tree!

Kris’ thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of his parents talking in the kitchen. His father was a bit gruff, evidently because of some difficulties he’d been having with his business. Kris hoped everything was all right.

Moving toward the living room, he tried to focus on the holiday décor to keep his mind off of what he had overheard. He loved the assortment of nutcrackers on the mantel with evergreen garlands at their feet. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the group of caroling figurines sprinkled with artificial snow atop the waist-high stereo cabinet.

He smiled as he headed to the couches where his sisters were ready and waiting for the guests. Carin and Sara both looked beautiful in their holiday dresses and Kris caught himself admiring their clothes a bit too long.

His fascination with their clothes had always been a part of his life. He tried to understand it, but had never succeeded. It was clear to him that he was a boy who was inexplicably drawn to girls’ clothing and girls in general, but beyond that, his life was a perplexing mystery.

Deciding to think of something else, he moved to the upright piano against the living room wall and began to play a few Christmas carols.

When the Stones arrived, Kris saw Angelica and Sabrina Stone. They both looked as wonderful as his sisters and his attention gravitated toward the girls and their clothes.

Kris and his sisters greeted them warmly as the adults talked near the front door and the five of them waited in the living room for the Blakes to arrive. Kris had to work at not allowing his consciousness to be consumed by the girls and their attire. I guess I'd better go back to the piano. Carin complimented his playing and he flashed a shy smile in response.

Minutes later, Melissa and Becca Blake walked into the living room while the adults greeted each other in the foyer. They both looked wonderful, but Melissa really made Kris’ heart dance. He stopped playing as he stood and stared at her.

Melissa was his favorite person in the world. She was his age and he had a massive crush on her. She was the sweetest, nicest person he knew, they had lots in common, and she had the prettiest long red hair and large green eyes that Kris had ever seen.

Rebecca Blake was the same age as Sara, and they had been close friends, along with Angelica, since their families had known one another.

The relentless spell that the girls’ clothing seemed to have on Kris went abruptly into full blossom and he could only hope that it wasn’t obvious.

All of the girls looked so good that Kris wanted to cry. He wanted desperately to understand what it was about their appearance that so moved him. He studied the six lovely girls, hoping that an answer would materialize between his ears by some splurt of magic but no explanation came to mind.

Before he had much time to think about it, his father asked them to move up to the playroom so that the parents could talk in the living room. Dutifully enough, they left the living room on their way upstairs.

* * *

The playroom was a large room in the third story with burgundy carpeting, almond paint on the walls, and cherry wood furniture. There were windows on two sides of the room that provided the three tables to the right with natural light. On the left, a sofa and coffee table were placed in front of an entertainment center flanked by finished wood shelves that held dolls, games, DVDs and books.

Kris was the only boy amid a group of six girls. Yet, contrary to what society might expect of him, he preferred it that way. In fact, he loved it. He fit in famously with the girls — and wondered how that was possible.

His thoughts lingered in the wardrobe of holiday dresses that surrounded him as games of Pictionary and Balderdash commenced. He couldn’t help looking around at those pretty girls. He didn’t see a single dress he didn’t adore and he had always loved the sight of tights on a girl. They always looked so beautiful!

His eyes drifted from one girl to the next until they stopped on Melissa, who captivated him unlike any other girl. Melissa wore a beautiful emerald green dress with a white lacy collar and a hint of white lace around the waist, sleeves and hem. Her outfit was completed with semi-sheer white tights and black patent leather dress flats. Her hair was done in a simple but elegant French braid and a dash of light makeup perfected her look. Her green dress brought out the deep green of her eyes and complemented her glowing red hair. She was truly a vision to behold — especially when she smiled.

Kris noticed Carin giving him a funny look and a sly smile as she leaned close.

“You still have a crush on Melissa, don’t you?” She whispered.

Kris blushed furiously. He was gazing at Melissa’s clothes as much as he was gazing at Melissa and he hoped like hell that Carin hadn’t caught on.

“Yes, I do. God, she looks so beautiful.” He whispered as he trailed off, sneaking another look at Melissa. “You all do,” he hastily added.

And something about that troubled him. He couldn’t imagine why it should bother him that the girls all looked so beautiful and yet it did! He felt a powerful dread as if investigating a strong smell of smoke.

His thoughts preoccupied him to the point that he didn’t notice his mother, Mary, putting a couple of trays on an unused table until she announced that hors d’oeuvres were served. He looked up and tried to smile as they chorused a ‘thank you’.

Mary returned downstairs while they paused their games to have a bite. During their break, Sara maneuvered Kris out of earshot as they noshed on stuffed mushrooms.

“Hey, Kris, I’ve noticed you looking around at all the girls again. What are you looking at when you do that?”

It took him a moment to figure out how to answer her.

“Oh, well, you know… you all look so pretty in your dresses and tights.” He blushed again.

“You like dresses and tights?” Sara quietly giggled as he swallowed nervously.

“Well, yeah. They look very pretty.”

“Do you like to wear dresses and tights?” She gently teased him.

His blush intensified until he looked like a Maraschino cherry floating in a stiff drink. He hesitated again before he stammered his answer.

“Uh… no.” He replied quietly. He wasn’t exactly lying; he had never worn girls’ clothes and he didn’t know if he liked them.

Not yet.

Sara abruptly looked at him as she picked up on something. She knew that her question should have been a grievous indignity to a boy — and should have provoked a commensurate response.

Kris never was like other boys. He had always been the sensitive type, averse to rough play or being made fun of, but his low-key response to Sara’s gentle teasing made her wonder about her brother.

“Well, don’t worry. I’m just kidding.” She gently placed one hand on his shoulder.

“I know.” He tried to smile, but her remark had unnerved him.

“Kris, are you ready to resume our game?” Carin asked, eyeing him carefully as she observed his conversation with Sara.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Have fun, Sara!”

Kris returned to the table with Carin and reclaimed his seat as Sabrina turned over a card to take her turn drawing. While she drew a picture and Carin frantically guessed what it was, Kris felt a nylon clad leg brush against his bare ankle.

He froze, electrified with the sensation as he looked around the table to figure out who had touched him. It wasn’t hard to determine. Sabrina and Carin were busy — and Melissa was smiling at him.

“Oh, was that you?” She asked not so innocently.

“Yeah. That was me.” He smiled back, genuinely delighted with her attention. “It’s okay.” Please do it again!

Kris was thrilled that she had touched him that way, but his thoughts drifted into unexpected territory. He went from wondering if it was a signal to wondering what her tights felt like.

What the hell am I thinking? I’m a boy! I’m not supposed to care what tights feel like, for fuck sake! God, what is wrong with me? I mean, come on! Melissa doesn’t want a boy who wonders what tights feel like!

“Are you okay, Kris?” Melissa inquired.

Carin had just successfully guessed Sabrina’s picture when she heard the question and she looked at Kris with an expectant expression.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He stared at Melissa, hoping she would accept his answer. He knew that Carin wouldn’t, but neither would she pursue it in front of the others.

Kris’ nerves were overloading and he tried to take a few silent breaths to keep his cool. Fortunately, the sound of his mother’s voice wafted up the stairs, calling them down to dinner and sparing him from further scrutiny.

* * *

Throughout the meal, Kris stewed in his thoughts about Melissa’s attention and his conflicting reactions to it. He had a huge crush on Melissa but wondered whether she would have him if she knew about his infatuation with girls’ clothes.

Why am I so drawn to their clothes anyway? And why do I fit in so much better with girls?

He could understand a boy looking at girls — especially when they looked so pretty - but he knew that his fascination with the girls’ outfits was not coming from physical attraction to girls.

As he thought about it, and reflected on his curiosity about what Melissa’s tights felt like, he began to understand that he wanted to wear what the girls were wearing — and suddenly, he knew what bothered him about the girls looking so pretty.

For some inexplicable reason, he wanted to look pretty, too, just like they did — and he couldn’t because he was a boy.

But wait a minute! I can’t be jealous of girls in dresses! I mean, why would I want to look pretty? What the hell? That doesn’t make any sense!

But it was true, no matter how little sense it made - and this only deepened the mystery. It seemed that the more he tried to figure himself out the more baffled he became. It was like trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. All he knew was that he fit in better with girls, loved their clothes, wished to be dressed as they were, and had no idea why.

As they stood up and brought their dishes to the kitchen, the parents ushered them upstairs again. They turned to leave for the playroom to resume their games where they had left off. However, Kris’ thoughts and feelings were overwhelming to the point that he felt a great need to be alone. He approached Carin and told her he would be up in a few minutes.

* * *

He pretended to head for the bathroom and waited until the girls were all upstairs. Satisfied that he would not be observed, he went into his parents’ bedroom and sat on the foot of their bed, staring at his reflection in the mirrored closet doors.

The sounds of the girls’ chatter penetrated the ceiling, making him want to be up there with them, but he had to think. He needed to know what to do about his strange desire to be dressed like the girls, not to mention the complication it presented if Melissa was giving him the kind of attention he hoped for. It was all just too much.

He spent several long minutes perusing his reflection in the mirror, searching his face for answers but finding only a face full of questions.

* * *

Melissa and Carin glanced at the door and Melissa voiced the question in their minds.

“What’s taking Kris so long?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should go and check on him.”

“Maybe I should. I’ll be right back.”

* * *

“Oh wow! Kris doesn’t know she’s a girl yet!”

“That’s right, Gloria. She hasn’t figured it out. She only knows that she’s different.”

“Maybe I should help her with that, too!”

“Well, Gloria… let’s keep watching…”

* * *

Kris’s eyes roamed his reflection and stopped on his hair as an idea germinated.

Hmm. Let me try something. Oh, this is crazy, but… it might help… somehow.

His fingers trembled as he removed the elastic band from his hair and attempted to recreate Carin’s hairdo on his own head. He ran his fingers through his hair to remove any tangles and pulled back the front half. He put that portion into a high ponytail and secured it with the rubber band.

He sighed as he looked at the results. Carin’s hair was properly styled and she had a red velvet bow in her hair that looked so much prettier than Kris’ plain black elastic band. He felt that Carin’s pretty hair put his to shame, but his new hairdo sufficed for his purposes.

He stared at his feminized reflection and tried to pay attention to his reaction until he could understand it. As he concentrated on his feelings, he determined that he was experiencing a mixture of fear and thrill. He loved what he saw but was terrified that someone would see him.

It made him happy to see his hair feminized — though he wished that it looked as good as Carin’s - but it scared him that he felt these things. He watched as a tear slid down one cheek… and then the other.

It didn’t take this long to use the bathroom — and Kris knew that his sisters would wonder what was keeping him. He thought about what to do and decided that he’d better calm himself down, and head upstairs.

Before he could raise his hands to fix his hair, he caught a glimpse of movement in the corner of one eye. He turned toward the door and noticed Carin standing there, peering in at him. She had seen him fix his hair like a girl and he had no idea what to say to her. It embarrassed him to be caught that way. He considered returning his hair to its normal ponytail, but there was no point and he left it as it was.

Carin came over to him, sat down next to him and put her arm around him.

“Kris, what’s wrong?”

He tried to speak but he was too emotional.

“Your hair looks really pretty. Does it have something to do with that?”

He was still too choked up and could only nod as another tear slid down his cheek.

“Let me get you some tissues.”

She hurried to the master bathroom and came back with a box of Kleenex. Kris took a couple of tissues and wiped his tears.

“It’s just… I was really having fun with all the girls upstairs, but I… I couldn’t stop…” He paused, afraid of Carin’s reaction. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Of course! You have my word.”

He looked furtively at her to make sure. He studied her expression, looking into the blue eyes beneath her blonde bangs and saw the straight face of someone who wanted to help. Carin was being very understanding and empathetic. She always was and Kris loved her for it.

“Okay. Well, while I was upstairs, I couldn’t stop… thinking about how pretty all of you girls look tonight in your dresses and everything. Your hair looks pretty, your jewelry looks pretty… and I want to look like you. I don’t know why I should. I’m a boy. I just know that I do… and that I feel really left out because I can’t… and it’s really getting to me. I just don’t know what to do.”

“You’re trying to sort things out, huh?”

“Yeah. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just know that I have all of these feelings like I want to be dressed like the girls — that and I prefer it when only girls are around — and I don’t know where any of it is coming from.”

“Well, we have a while until dessert. Do you want to keep talking about it or maybe just hang out? I can tell the other girls to play without us.”

“I would like that. I’m not feeling ready to go back upstairs and to be honest, I like my hair this way. I don’t want to put it back yet.” His gaze dropped sheepishly to his lap.

“Okay, I’ll let the other girls know that we need a few minutes and tell Sara where we are.”

She gave him a hug which he happily returned.

“Thanks, Carin. I feel a little better. You’re a great sister!”

“So are you. I’ll be right back.” She flashed a sly smile as she scurried upstairs.

It wasn’t until she was gone that Kris realized what she had said.

Wait, she just said I’m a great sister! But I’m not a girl.

His feminized reflection silently disagreed.

Or am I? I don’t know. God, I’m so confused!

Suddenly uncomfortable with his own reflection, he stood up and walked across the hall to his mother’s office.

* * *

Kris sat down at his mother’s computer and pulled up a browser window while he waited for Carin. He decided to see if he could find any pictures of other boys who might be girls. He hoped it would help him find some answers — or at least some clues.

He found quite an assortment of pictures to look at. There were lots of pictures of men dressed as women, but only a few of boys his age dressed as girls - and he wasn’t sure if those pictures were real.

Most pictures he found were of males dressed as females for a variety of reasons from dares to Halloween costumes. He didn’t identify with any of them because none of those pictures spoke of a boy who might be a girl; they were clearly boys clowning around.

He knew that if he ever dressed as a girl, he would be doing it to be a girl, not to wear a costume or simply have fun. Plus, he would be wearing what normal girls would wear. He did not want to dress in an outlandish fashion and he did not want to be a boy in a dress. He wanted to be a girl, be that for a while or for good.

“Hi. Are you online?”

Oh shit! Kris jumped in his chair, one hand flying to his chest, thinking he was caught again.

“Oh, it’s you!" He let out a relieved sigh. "For a minute there, I thought I was busted with girly hair.”

“No, it’s just me.”

“Good!”

“So what’re you looking up?”

“Oh, I was just looking at pictures of boys dressed as girls just… just to see how I would react. I guess I was hoping it would help me figure things out.”

“Did it work?”

“Well, it did clarify one thing. I don’t know if I want to dress as a girl for a while or forever, but I definitely do not want to be a boy in a dress. I don't want it to be a costume and not just to mess around. I want to dress like a normal girl to be a normal girl… at least… while I’m dressed up as one.”

“Okay. Well, good. It sounds like you’ve made some progress.”

“Yeah, at least there’s that.” I smiled at her and noticed that she seemed hesitant to say something. “Got something on your mind?”

“Yeah, I do. I kind of have an idea that might help you figure this out.”

“Really? Great! What is it?” I looked at her eagerly, hoping against hope that her idea would help. She seemed unsure about something and she paused before answering.

“Well, you don’t have to do this, of course, but… I could dress you up as a girl and you could be a girl for the rest of the night.”

Kris immediately trembled, for so many reasons.

“Wow. I guess that’s an idea,” he breathed.

“We could do this now, if you want to. We could also do it after everyone’s gone home, but then you would miss out on the party.”

“Y-you mean go upstairs as a girl? I-in front of everyone?”

“Well, yeah. That’s the part that might tell you something.”

“Oh, wow. I really would love to be dressed as a girl tonight, just like all the other girls, but… Melissa’s up there and I really do have a big crush on her. Actually, I’m a little nervous about all of the girls except Sara, but I’m mostly afraid that Melissa might not like me anymore.”

“Hmm, I don’t think you have to worry about that. We were playing Truth or Dare with some other kids last year and someone dared one of the boys to dress up completely as a girl and stay that way for an hour.”

“And he took the dare?”

“He sure did!” Carin giggled. “And when it was Melissa’s turn someone dared her to kiss him on the lips while he was still dressed as a girl and she had no problem kissing him.”

“Really?”

“Really! She honestly didn’t mind. They even had a kind of a thing going for a while there. That wasn’t the last time they kissed either, I’ll just tell you that right now!” Carin smirked.

“Wow! Melissa really liked a boy who dressed as a girl?”

“Yes, she did!” Carin smiled.

Kris’ face lit up briefly, but clouded again. “But… that was different. I mean… that guy only dressed as a girl once.”

“That we know of.” Carin giggled.

“Well, okay, but still, was he… I mean… was he confused about himself like I am or was he just accepting the dare?”

Carin thought for a moment.

“Well, I didn’t see any sign that he was confused, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t. Anyway, Melissa won’t mind. Really.”

“Yeah… maybe not…” I trailed off.

“And besides, you don’t have to tell them why you’re dressed as a girl — not unless you want to. We can tell everyone that I dared you to do it.”

“I guess that would work.” I paused as I thought things over. “So… do you think the other girls will laugh at me?”

“Well, they probably will, to be honest, but only because they’re having fun, not out of meanness. They’ll be nice to you.”

“You’re sure they wouldn’t tell anyone?”

“Hmm, yes. I could swear them to secrecy before I let them see you and anyone that doesn’t swear to keep the secret won’t get to know about you.”

“Okay. Well, I really would like to try it...”

“It’s up to you.”

“Okay.”

Kris sat there for several moments, trembling, trying to decide. He really wanted to be dressed like the girls, but he couldn’t help feeling afraid.

“Well, um… I do want to dress up as a girl, but maybe after you dress me up we could stay in here for a few minutes so I can see how I feel.”

“Sure, we can do that!”

“Well, then… I hope this all goes okay, but… let’s do this!”

Kris had a smile on his face but he was shivering. Carin was smiling, too. Kris hoped that he was doing the right thing.

“Okay! Let’s go to my room and find you something to wear. Come on!”

Kris shut off the computer and they hurried down the hall, holding hands like a couple of girls.

* * *

“Well, it seems as though Kris is finding acceptance in her sister.” Gloria commented.

“Yes, she is… in her sister, at least.” Clarence admitted.

“What about the rest of her family? Will they accept her, too?”

“She’s not out of the woods yet, Gloria. Keep watching. You’ll see what I mean.”

* * *

When Kris and Carin got to Carin’s room, she threw open her closet door and began looking through her clothes.

“I have a dress and some flats that I think would look really cute on you! Remember what I wore on Christmas night last year?”

Kris gasped in awe.

“Oh, I love that outfit! It’s so pretty!”

Carin giggled.

“I love it, too. Here it is!”

She pulled out a red dress with a velvet bodice, short taffeta sleeves and a knee-length taffeta skirt. She also had a pair of red, patent leather flats to go with it.

“I can’t believe I’m really doing this!”

“Don’t worry. I think we’ll both have fun seeing you all prettied up. Let me get you some underthings.”

She carefully hung the dress on a hook on the inside of the closet door and put the flats on the floor below them. Then she walked over to her dresser and pulled out a white nylon training bra, a white pair of nylon panties and a pair of semi-sheer nylon tights just like all of the girls were wearing! Kris was nervous, but his excitement was overpowering his fears for the moment.

Before long, Kris was dressed completely as a girl, including jewelry, light makeup and red nail polish. Carin did his hair just like hers and made Kris pretty.

When she was done, she walked him over to her full length mirror. Kris took one look at himself and almost cried. He looked as pretty as the rest of the girls! He was so happy that he gave Carin a big hug.

“Oh, my God! I look so pretty! I had no idea I could look so pretty! Carin, thank you so much!”

“You’re welcome, Kris.” She giggled at my gushing. “Say, you know what?”

“What?”

“Well, if you want to we can pick a girl’s name for you.”

“Okay! Let’s do that!” Kris’ face brightened.

“Do you have any idea what name you’d like to use?”

“Not really, no.” Kris’ blush returned with a vengeance.

“Okay, how about… Kristina?”

“I like that! Will you call me Tina for short?”

“Okay, sure! Well, Tina, we agreed to stay here for a few minutes so you can see how you feel before we go upstairs, so let’s hang out here for a bit.”

“Yeah, let’s.”

“So how does it feel?”

“Well, I love this so far. It feels really good. I don’t know why, but it does.”

“How do you feel about going upstairs?”

“I want to go upstairs and be with the other girls, but I’m really nervous.”

“Remember, we’re swearing them to secrecy.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just… nervous.” I stood there looking at myself and smiling. “But, I don’t know how else to figure out if I’m a boy or a girl. How am I supposed to know if I don’t try it?”

“I don’t know.”

Tina looked at herself in the mirror one last time.

“I think it will help for me to go upstairs. I couldn’t really tell you why, but I just… I have a feeling.” Tina paused as she stared at herself and finally turned around to face Carin. “And that’s why I have to do this. Come on, let’s go upstairs.”

“Okay! Let’s go!”

They walked down the hall and up the stairs arm in arm. Carin had Tina wait in the hall outside the playroom while she went in to give Sara the heads-up about their little plan. It was only a few seconds before Carin and Sara came back out to see her. When Sara saw her, she gasped and quietly giggled with glee.

“Hi, Tina! Oh my God, you look adorable!” Sara gave her a big hug. “So you’ve decided to spend some time as a girl to figure things out, huh?”

“Yes, I have. I really need some answers and I don’t know what else to do. So, let’s do this.”

“Okay.”

“Wow, they’re going to be surprised to see me like this, huh?”

We all giggled.

“They certainly will! But I think everyone will handle it okay — and Tina?”

“Yes?”

“We love you no matter what you find out, okay?”

Tina smiled brightly at Sara and gave her a big hug.

“Thanks, Sara! I needed to hear that!”

“I thought you might. Okay, Tina. Carin and I swear not to tell anyone outside this house about this and we’re going in to swear in the others now.”

“Okay.”

Sara and Carin went back into the playroom and got everyone’s attention. They left the door open this time and Tina could hear what they said.

“Okay, girls, we have something very special to show you, but before we tell you what it is, we have to ask you to swear that everything that’s about to happen stays in this house. Can everyone swear to that?”

“Yes.”

“Sure!”

“Yeah, of course!”

“Great! Then we’re unanimous. Okay, now we can tell you what this is about. Actually, there will be some explaining to do, so it’s probably easier to show you first. Girls, we would love you to meet Tina. Come on in, Tina!”

“Who’s Tina?” Melissa wondered aloud.

Tina took a deep breath, let it out slowly and walked into the playroom.

“I am.”

“Girls, this is Tina.”

“Hi, everyone!” I gave them a quick wave with one hand. They all got up and clustered around me.

“Hi, Tina. Merry Christmas! I’m Angelica and this is-” She recognized Tina and froze. “Oh, my God!” She paused for a moment, making sure she had it right. “Kris?”

Now Melissa gasped.

“No way! Kris? Is that really you?”

Kris knew he was at the hour of judgment. That moment would decide whether he would ever have any hope of being Melissa’s… what? Boyfriend or girlfriend? Oh God!

“Yes, Melissa. It’s me. But tonight, my name is Tina.” Tina couldn’t help smiling as she said it.

“Oh my God, Kris really is dressed as a girl!” Sabrina exclaimed.

Tina blushed ferociously while the girls all laughed. She was surprised to find herself laughing right along with them and holding her head up.

“Yes, Sabrina. I am dressed as a girl for the night.”

“Well, my goodness, Tina, you sure do look pretty, but why do you want to be a girl for the night?” Melissa asked.

Tina looked down at her white, nylon legs while she thought for a moment.

“I think it’s really sad that when a boy dresses as a girl, people ask why he would want to do that, like there’s something wrong with girls or boys are supposed to be better or something. I’ve heard the same old argument so many times that boys aren’t supposed to want to dress as a girl, but why not? Why shouldn’t I want to dress as a girl? Is there something bad about girls?”

Angelica got a look of cautious annoyance on her face.

“No, there isn’t anything bad about girls.”

“Of course there isn’t, Angelica! My point is that everybody thinks it’s such a bad thing for a boy to dress as a girl but it doesn’t make any sense to feel that way unless you think there’s something bad about girls.”

“I guess you’re right, Tina. So that’s why you’re doing this? To stick up for girls?”

“Well, I really do believe in everything I just said, but actually, no, Melissa. That’s not why I’m doing this.”

“Then…?”

“I’m doing this because…” Tina took another deep breath, wondering if she should finish answering the question. She looked around the room and found openness in each face. “I think, um… I think I might… I might be a girl… on the inside. I’m hoping that spending the rest of the night as a girl will help me figure it out.”

“What do you mean, Tina?”

Tina explained to the rest of the girls what she had explained to Carin and they understood what she meant. They readily agreed that she never was like the other boys and they had always enjoyed having Tina around even when they did not want boys around.

“I guess you’re right. You’re really not a boy. Maybe you are a girl. I think it’s a great idea for you to try it for the night and see.” Melissa smiled at Tina brightly.

“Thanks, Melissa!”

“You’re welcome.” She grabbed Tina’s hand. “Ready for some more Pictionary?”

“Sure.” Tina smiled at her.

They resumed their games and for the first time in her life, Tina forgot that she wasn’t born female. She felt wonderful being with the other girls as one of them until her balloon was burst at the sound of her mother’s voice emanating from the playroom door.

“Hi, kids! Dessert is about to be… served downstairs…” she stammered as she looked around the room. “Where’s Kris? And who are you, sweetheart?”

“Hi, Mom.” Tina gave her mother a bashful smile.

“Kris?” Her mouth opened as she slowly approached her and took her hands. She looked around the room full of girls before she continued. “Honey? What’s going on?”

Tina took a deep breath before she answered her mother.

“I asked Carin to dress me up like this because… I’m confused, Mom.” Tina’s emotions welled up and tears leaked down her cheeks. She sniffled as she mustered the nerve to finish her explanation. “I might be a girl. I don’t even know how that’s possible. I just… know… that I might be a girl. Everything about being a girl feels right and everything about being a boy feels wrong.”

Tina’s mother hugged her without answering, and Tina sensed that she was at a loss for words. At length, she pulled away and smiled at Tina.

“Well, this is certainly… unexpected and all, but… I love you just the way you are, honey. Your father will, too.” She hugged Tina again and Tina was too emotional to reply. “But, we really do need to look into this. If you’re having this problem then I want us to address it however we have to. I don’t want you to go through life suffering. I think that we should find a specialist to talk to about this.”

“Y-you think I need help?”

“Oh, not that way honey. Not the way someone crazy needs help. We all know that you are not crazy. I only think that you could use some help understanding yourself, that’s all.”

“Oh. In that case, you’re right. We should find someone to talk to.”

“All right. We will do that. For now, however,” Mary smiled at Tina, “let’s go have some dessert, okay?”

“Okay.”

Tina’s mother took her hand and Melissa took her other one. Together, they walked downstairs to the dining room, where the adults were bringing out the pumpkin pie.

* * *

“It looks like she’s finding acceptance. Why does she want to kill herself?” Gloria queried Clarence.

“Something is about to go wrong that will make her believe there’s no other way.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Yes, we can help Tina when she needs it the most.”

“When do we get started?”

“Not quite yet. There’s one more thing you must see first.”

* * *

When Tina walked into the dining room, flanked by her mother and Melissa, everyone stopped and stared at her.

Well, here we go.

“Oh, hello there. Uh, Mary, who’s our guest?” Tina’s father diplomatically asked his wife before suddenly looking around the room. “Hey, where’s Kris?”

“Everyone,” my mother looked around, “this is Tina. Normally, you know her as Kris, but tonight, she’s doing some exploring to… help herself answer a question she’s been struggling with.”

Tina’s father stared at her with his eyes bulging and his fists clenched.

“Richard, is there a problem?” Mary asked him. For a long, uncomfortable moment, Richard was silent. “Honey?” My mother gently prompted him as she put a hand on his arm.
But he pulled his arm away, keeping his eyes on Tina.

“Tina, um…” His breath was rapid and shallow. “We… we thought this might happen and… we’ve looked into a few things, but…” He was nearing hyperventilation as he turned to his wife. “Honey, we can’t pay for any surgery — and new clothes! My God!” He put one hand on his forehead. “All of that together costs thousands and thousands of dollars and we just can’t afford it! We can’t even afford many Christmas presents this year! We’re… we’re barely making it!”

Tina stared at her father with a horrible feeling pervading her. She knew that her parents were having financial trouble but she had no idea just how bad it was. What if she really was a girl — and what if she needed the surgery? What would they do?

“Richard, honey, we’ll find a way. We always have.” Mary put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Why now, Tina? Why couldn’t you have figured this out years ago? Why now?” Richard’s agitation increased.

“Richard, she wouldn’t be allowed to have any surgery until she’s eighteen. That’s five years away. We have some time to prepare for this, honey,” Mary tried to soothe him.

“But what about clothes? What if she wants to dress like a girl all the time? We can not buy her a new wardrobe!”

“She can share my clothes,” Carin offered.

“Aw, aren’t you sweet!” Mary stroked Carin’s cheek. “But you don’t have to do that. If Tina discovers that she needs to be a girl — and that’s still a big ‘if’ right now - then I will get a job and go back to work. All right, Richard? We’ll be okay.”

“Honey, we’re in a recession and the job market is awful! You might have trouble going back to work. What do we do then?”

“Richard, please, maybe we should talk in your den, all right?” Mary tried to diffuse the situation.

But Richard was too wound up. He took a step toward Tina.

“How can you do this to me?? How??”

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” Tina sobbed.

“Go upstairs and take those clothes off — and get this idea of being a girl right out of your head because we can not afford it! Go! Right now!”

“Dad, stop it, goddamn it!” Sara yelled at him. “It’s not her fault! She can’t help it!”

Tina stood there trembling and in shock, staring at the pain in her father’s face with tears rolling down her eyes. She did not want to go back upstairs and dress as a boy. She was miserable as a boy.

I would rather die than go back to being a boy!

And suddenly everything was clear to Tina. She stared off into space as her mind spun out of control.

Oh my God! I am a girl! I really am! Oh, God, I’m a girl! What am I going to do? Dad won’t let me be a girl! I’m stuck as a boy forever!

“It’s really all right, Tina.” Mary gently rubbed her shoulder.

“Don’t use that name!” My father yelled.

“Dad, stop it!” Carin screeched at him.

“It’s going to be okay, Tina. Really.” Melissa tried to soothe her by wrapping her arms around her.

It will never be okay! Never! I should have been born a girl in the first place — or even a normal boy! It’s never going to work like this! Ever!

Tina broke away from Melissa and bolted. She ripped the front door open, slammed it behind her, and fled the house in blind despair.

* * *

Tina was so distraught that she didn’t think to grab a coat on her way out — or suitable shoes. The snow was beginning to stick to the sidewalk and her patent leather flats slipped on the snow as she ran. Falling snowflakes stung her face and melted until she could no longer distinguish between them and her tears.

She made her way to a bridge across a deep ravine a mile from her house and stopped mid-span, panting for breath. The sub-freezing wind blew right through her dress and her semi-sheer tights offered next to no protection, but she didn’t care. She was done. Her life had reached a bitter, merciless end.

I’m only thirteen, but… thirteen years of this is enough!

Struggling with overwhelming confusion had been bad on its own, but finding her true self only to discover that she could never be whole was too much.

She walked close to the concrete rail overlooking the ravine and peered over the edge at the icy creek lined with jagged rocks a hundred feet below.

That will do it.

Tina climbed up on the rail and sat on it, preparing herself to jump, but before she could garner the nerve, she glimpsed a bright light next to her. It grabbed her attention and she turned abruptly to look at it. The bright glow had the familiar shape of a woman standing there, smiling at her.

Tina lost her balance and her butt slipped off the rail — thankfully, away from the river. She ended up clinging to the rail with her hands and her knees as though she’d fallen into a trash can.

Tina’s mind was frozen like the river as she stared at the woman who had mysteriously shown up. The woman could probably be seen for a mile even through the snow and Tina wondered how she could have missed that woman approaching her. It was almost as though she’d materialized right there.

Tina slowly extricated herself from the rail and stood up.

“Tina, I know what you were about to do. Please believe me when I tell you that you don’t need to do that.”

For a moment, Tina was indignant.

“H-how the hell do you know what I was going to do?”

Gloria merely smiled for a moment, waiting for the realization to hit Tina.

“What a minute! How did you know my name? It’s not even my real name! I just started using it tonight! How did you know??”

“Tina, my name is Gloria, and I am an angel.”

“An angel? What-?” Tina broke off as her jaw slowly hung open. “Oh, my God! I jumped, didn’t I? I’m dead! That’s it, isn’t it?”

Tina hurried over to the rail and stuck her head over the edge. She glanced down and saw only the river. There was nobody down there.

“No, Tina, you didn’t jump — and you’re not dead.”

Tina’s face darkened.

“Oh, then stay out of my way.”

Tina turned away and began climbing onto the rail.

“Tina, I know how desolate you feel right now, but you’re right where you’re supposed to be in life.”

Tina jumped down to the sidewalk and gawped at Gloria.

“What, you mean standing on a bridge freezing my ass off and preparing to jump to my death? I’m supposed to be here?”

“That’s not at all what I meant.” Gloria gave her a patient smile.

“Well… then…” Tina stammered.

“I meant that you found your true self. Right on time.”

“On time?? This is the worst possible time!! My parents are having terrible financial problems!! They can’t afford for me to become a whole human being!! My father went ballistic when he saw me dressed like this!! I should have found this out years ago!! That’s what my father said!!”

“Your father is only worried about being able to provide for his family. He loves you very much.”

“No, he doesn’t! He didn’t even tell me that he loves me! He just told me he can’t afford me!” Fresh tears slid down Tina’s cheeks as she pointed a defiant glare at Gloria.

“That’s just his stress talking. He doesn’t understand yet, but he will come around, if you just give him the time.”

For a moment, Tina was silent as she digested everything she was hearing.

“Is that why you’re here? To help him?”

“No, he has his own angel. I’m here to help you.”

“Me??”

“Yes. You’re the one who wants to take her own life.”

“W-well… there’s nothing else I can do. My father won’t let me be a girl. I’m stuck as a boy until I die. I couldn’t live with being confused anymore, but now? Now that I know I’m a girl but will never be one? Come on! That’s just… it’s just too much! Just… just let me die in peace, will you?”

“Won’t you let me help you?”

“You can’t help me. Nobody can.”

“That’s not true. I can — and I will.” She smiled at Tina.

“How can you possibly help me?”

“I can show you what your life would have been like if you had been born differently.”

“Really?” Tina paused for a moment. “Seriously?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“All right.” Tina looked at her blankly, too emotionally spent for any expression. “Show me.”

“It’ll be my pleasure.” Gloria smiled at Tina. “First, I’ll show you what your life would have been like if you had been born a normal boy.”

“You mean if I had never been confused about my gender?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“Okay. I’d like to see it. Not that it’ll do any good.”

“Trust me,” Gloria smiled at Tina.

* * *

Gloria turned Tina around and she found herself standing in her own living room. It looked exactly as it had when she was a small child.

“What the… this is my house. What are we doing back here?”

“Aside from the fact that you live here,” Gloria chuckled good-naturedly, “we’re here to watch.”

“Watch what?” Tina asked, only to have her own question answered when her father came down the front stairs wearing a pair of dark green pants and a dark red sweater. He looked very festive.

“Wow, my dad looks ten years younger. Did you do that?” Tina whispered.

“There’s no need to whisper. They can’t see us or hear us.”

“Oh. Good to know. So did you do all this?”

“No, I didn’t do any of it. We’re both just watching.”

He went over to the mantle to stoke up the fire. As he went about the business, the roaring fire crackled loudly. A tiny, hot ember escaped from the fire and landed in the cuff of his pant leg, setting it on fire.

“Oh shit!!” He grabbed a book from the coffee table behind him and beat at the flames until they were out.

“Honey? What’s going on?”

Tina’s mother dashed into the room holding two three-year-olds, a boy and a girl. She was soon followed by a five year old girl.

“Look at Carin and me! We’re so young - and that’s Sara following her! But why are we so young?”

“This was Christmas Day of 1999.”

“And this is the earliest Christmas I can remember! I think my dad burning his pants really made it stick in my memory!”

“You’re probably right. But keep watching.”

“I just burned my pants! Can you believe that?” Richard chuckled.

“Oh for God sakes, Richard! Well, go change. We’ll wait for you!” Mary giggled.

Richard went upstairs to change his pants and came back down wearing some navy corduroy pants. He still looked handsome, if a tad less festive.

The family sat down in the living room and began opening gifts. Tina watched her sisters open presents that turned out to be dolls. She remembered seeing those dolls and wishing she could play with them.

Then little Kris opened a gift and held up a toy Hummer about the size of a paperback novel. It was painted army green and had various military markings on it. He loved it and thanked his parents profusely before he plunked down on the floor to play with it.

“What in the hell is he doing? I hated that thing! I-I tried to throw it across the room because it wasn’t a doll!” Tina watched, stunned, as little Kris gleefully enjoyed his new toy car. “Look at me, Gloria! I’m loving that thing!”

“You certainly are,” Gloria smiled at me.

“But… but, that’s not me!” Tina looked at Gloria with a puzzled look on her face.

“No, it isn’t, is it? You see, in this reality, you never doubted that you were a boy and you were just like the rest.”

“But I’m so… so different!”

“Of course you are. If you had been born a normal boy, you would be someone else!”

“I guess so.” Tina stared at Kris before finally turning to Gloria. “So what else do you want to show me?”

“Well, there’s more of this Christmas for you to see.”

Gloria put her hand on Tina’s shoulder and they were in the playroom, just like that.

* * *

Gloria and Tina saw the three children playing with their new toys. Their parents were downstairs cleaning up after unwrapping presents and preparing the house before their guests arrived for Christmas dinner.

Sara had received a set of wooden building blocks and she had built herself a castle while Carin pretended her newest Barbie doll was a construction worker — skimpy dress, heels and all.

The castle was the strange sort of design that only a five year old would come up with, but Sara had put a lot of effort into it and it was nearly as tall as she was.

“Oh, I remember this!” Tina happily informed Gloria. “But, look, I’m not playing with my sisters like I remember!”

“It gets even better. Uh oh! Here comes Kris!”

Kris rolled his new toy Hummer across the floor toward Sara’s castle.

“No, Kris!” She shouted. “Dooooon’t!”

Carin just sat there and watched.

“Don’t, Kris!” Sara whined.

“Stop it, Kris!” Carin chimed in.

Tina looked on in astonishment as he deliberately smashed the car into Sara’s castle. The whole thing collapsed and one block bounced off of his head. He laughed, but Sara shrieked at him furiously and Carin crossed her little arms at him.

“You asshole!” Sara scolded.

“What is going on up here?” Mary’s voice wafted through the door, preceding her by a few seconds. “And Sara, where on earth did you learn that word?”

Her question was answered when Richard walked by in the hallway, engaged in heated conversation, and called someone an asshole over the phone.

“I see.” Mary softly glared at Richard.

“Mommy, Kris wrecked my castle! Can you please get him out of here?”

Tina looked at Gloria with bewilderment all over her face.

“I don’t understand, Gloria. I remember this clearly. Not only did I not knock her castle over, but I even played with them. We played with a few dolls and pretended they were princesses. I never once played with that toy Hummer. And, Gloria, my sisters don’t even like me in this reality! What happened?”

“You were a normal boy. You didn’t get along with your sisters because you had nothing in common. Your first several years were dotted with spats, but it got better. Come, let’s have a look at another Christmas.”

Gloria touched Tina’s shoulder again and delivered them both back to the living room.

* * *

Tina heard piano music and remembered banging out a very basic version of Jingle Bells while Sara brought presents into the living room from beneath the Christmas tree. She arranged the gifts in piles according to where the family members were sitting. She was wearing a bathrobe and a pair of gold stud earrings in the shape of Christmas trees.

“I remember those!” Tina gasped in delight. “That was the year she got her ears pierced. She was ten and I was eight, so this was… 2004.”

“Yes.”

“You know, it was really funny. She persuaded Mom to let her get her ears pierced as an early Christmas present and she chose those Christmas tree studs because they looked cool for the holiday. Of course, you can’t take them out for a while, so she got razzed at school when she continued to wear those earrings into February. Then she talked my mom into getting her a second pair and helping her switch them.” Tina couldn’t help but giggle. “So where’s the rest of the family?”

“Here they are now.” Gloria smiled.

The parents entered the room with Carin and Kris in tow. Mary had her short haircut then. It was the last time she had a short hair cut.

Tina watched her family settle in and begin opening presents. The girls received clothes and Tina could still feel the envy as she watched. But Kris merely yawned.

“What the…?” Tina trailed off.

When Kris opened his gifts, he was overjoyed with the Swiss army knife and the eight-inch tall GI Joe figure he received. It came with a gun that made shooting sounds and he made tons of use of it — to the point that his father had to ask him to put it down for a while.

“Oh my…!” Tina’s jaw dropped from her face. “I didn’t play with it that way! Hell, I lost the gun that morning and never bothered looking for it. I-I didn’t even touch that stupid thing until after we went upstairs and even then, he took Carin’s Barbie to the dance and married her!”

“Oh? Let’s have a look.”

“Do I really want to?” Tina asked hesitantly.

“It’s nothing you won’t survive.” Gloria smiled at her.

“All right then. Let’s go.”

They turned around and were back in the playroom. This time, Sara and Carin played with dolls, just as Tina remembered, but young Kris was off by himself.

“Bang! Bang! Bang! Pf-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f!”

Tina’s eyes bugged out as she watched him shooting off that damned gun and throwing Sara’s old building blocks like pretend grenades at a crude castle he built with the rest of them. He smashed the castle and rejoiced when it was destroyed.

“My God, he’s playing war for Christ sake!” Tina shrieked.

“Why not? That’s fairly typical of a boy his age, isn’t it?”

“Gloria, I don’t know who this kid is, but… this is not me!”

“No, it’s not. Come on. There’s one more Christmas to show you.”

“Okay. Will you hold my hand?” Tina asked nervously.

“Sure.” Gloria smiled as she took Tina’s hand and returned her downstairs.

* * *

Tina had fully expected to find herself standing in the living room, but this time, she and Gloria were in the foyer as Mary came out to answer the door. On the hall table was the new angel sculpture she had bought in the current year.

“We’re in the present now?”

“Yes, Tina. You are about to watch what would have happened this Christmas if you’d been a normal boy.”

“Okay.”

Mary answered the door and the Stones came inside. Angelica and Sabrina walked into the living room. Tina could see Kris sitting in there with his sisters and the Blake girls. Melissa was on a couch and Tina watched Kris grab the empty spot next to her, ostensibly to make room for the Stone girls. Tina saw right through his little ploy to get close to Melissa.

He and Melissa chatted and Tina noticed right away that he did not look at the girls and their clothes as Kris always had — and he wasn’t looking at Melissa’s face either!

“Oh my God, I’m staring at her boobs! Am I even listening to her?” Tina squealed to Gloria.

“That I cannot tell you,” Gloria admitted. “But I doubt it.”

“Hey! Eyes up here, butthead!” Melissa scolded the little lecher sitting next to her as she crossed her arms.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry.” He apologized genuinely.

“Gawd, Kris! Why don’t I just set you up on a date with my breasts?”

The other girls in the room laughed at Melissa’s crack.

“Uh… sure.” He was looking at her boobs again until he abruptly looked up at her and closed his eyes for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Melissa. I guess I just got… carried away. You’re a… beautiful girl.”

Melissa blushed, but the compliment was delivered in the wrong context for the wrong reason and thus was not well received.

“Whatever, just… stop being such a total guy, will you?” She got up and moved to an easy chair closer to the other girls.

Gloria looked at Tina and Tina stared back, completely flabbergasted.

“Is that all he sees in her? I mean, sure, she has a beautiful body, but… is that all he sees?”

“It’s what he sees first, yes. He does like who she is as well, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that, well, he is a normal boy and normal boys do have an unfortunate weakness when it comes to the female body.”

“I guess so.” Tina sighed sadly at the way Kris had treated Melissa. It truly pained her.

“Do I have to watch any more of this?”

“Only one more scene. Come.” Gloria held out her hand. Tina took it and found that they were standing in the dining room on the same Christmas night.

Most of those present were seated at the table and Kris was about to sit down across from Melissa. She was chatting with Sabrina, who sat next to her.

Kris’ fork slipped off his plate — along with a glob of sweet potatoes - and made a small mess on the floor. After he picked up his fork, he bent down with his napkin to clean up the mess. The table cloth hung only a foot below the table and younger Kris suddenly found himself with a clear view up Melissa’s skirt.

Instead of discretely ignoring the twist of fate, he lingered under the table, staring up her skirt until Sabrina gently nudged Melissa and pointed at him.

Melissa gasped loudly and slammed her knees together, sitting bolt upright in her chair.

“Kris!!” Melissa uttered.

He banged his head as he rapidly stood.

“Were you looking up my skirt?” She accused him.

“Busted.” Sabrina looked at him with her eyebrows raised and zero warmth in her face.

“What? No! I-I was just cleaning up-”

“You were not!! You looked up my skirt!!” Melissa huffed as she glared at him.

His mother stepped up to him with her arms crossed and ordered him to switch seats with her.

“I am sorry about that, Melissa. I hope you weren’t humiliated.” Mary told her.

“Oh, I’m… fine.” Melissa excused herself and headed for the bathroom. Becca got up and went after her, glaring at Kris as she passed him.

“Kristopher Nicholas Jayne! Are you proud of yourself?” His mother reprimanded him. “Honestly! I taught you better than that!”

To Tina’s surprise, he looked glumly at the table. She could see that he felt awful and yet, there was something in his expression that troubled Tina. He was truly sorry that he’d embarrassed Melissa, but he was not sorry that he’d looked up her skirt!

Tina was in tears as she observed his actions toward Melissa. Tina knew he had embarrassed her and generally hurt her by the way he mistreated her. She realized that she would have seen things as he did if she had been a normal boy, but that was no excuse.

Melissa clearly didn’t like him — and Tina didn’t blame her! Tina covered her face with her hands and cried.

“Gloria, I don’t want to see any more of this! Please! I can’t watch myself treat Melissa that way! Please don’t make me!”

“I won’t. We’re going back now.”

Tina felt freezing all over and realized she was shivering, but she couldn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t watch any more.

* * *

Tina felt the snow grazing her bare fingers and finally opened her eyes. She realized that they were out on the bridge again.

“Well, there you have it. You now know what life would have been like for you if you had been born a normal boy, free of gender confusion.”

“Um. Pass?” Tina tried to smile at Gloria while she shivered in the falling snow.

“I thought so.”

“But nothing’s changed, Gloria!” Tina sighed heavily. “I should have been born a girl! My life is still all wrong. It will never work!”

Gloria glanced up at the sky for a moment and smiled at Tina.

“Well, I’ll you what. I’m going to show you what your life would have been like if you had been born a girl. Would you like to see?”

“I don’t know… it would probably just hurt too much to know what I’ve been missing.”

“You have my word that it will be good for you to see it. What do you say?”

Tina studied Gloria’s face and made her decision.

“All right. Let’s go.”

“Splendid! This way, please.”

With a smile, Gloria turned them around and…

* * *

…they were back in the living room, watching Richard come down the stairs in his dark green pants.

“Oh, are we, um, starting over?”

“Sort of. Christmas morning of 1999 would have been different if you’d been a girl. Take a look!”

The scene repeated itself again as Richard’s pants caught fire. Tina giggled at him this time.

“Honey? What’s going on?”

Mary dashed into the room, holding two identically dressed three-year-old girls with a five-year-old girl at her side.

“I just burned my pants! Can you believe that?” Richard chuckled.

“Oh for God sakes, Richard! Well, go change. We’ll wait for you!” Mary giggled.

“Who is my mother holding? That’s Carin, but who-”

“Why, that’s you, of course! You were born a girl in this reality, remember?”

“Oh, yeah. Wow! So this is what it could have been like?” Tina asked with a hitch in her voice and a tear rolling down her face.

“Yes, this what it would have been like.”

“Look at me! I just love that little red dress and the white tights are so perfect! I even have little pigtails! Oh, why couldn’t this have been my life, Gloria?” I asked her with tears in my eyes.

“Keep watching, Tina. The answer will be clear soon.”

“All right, you two. You sit right here on this couch while Daddy changes his pants — Erin, don’t open that yet! Wait for Daddy, okay?” Mary chortled at her little angel as she reached out for one of her gifts.

“Erin? I thought that was me.”

“It is you. Your parents would have named you Erin.”

“Oh. They never told me that.” Tina mused. "I guess they thought it would embarrass me."

Richard stepped back into the room, and they sat down to open presents. Carin and Sara got their dolls again, but Erin’s gift was a surprise. It was a book about a little girl who flew a spaceship.

“What? She didn’t get a doll like her sisters?” Tina asked Gloria.

“No, she was always scientifically minded. She loves books and puzzles and figuring out how things work — not that she can understand much at her young age.”

“Wow. She’s so different from me.”

“Yes, she is. Take a look at this.”

They turned around and they were in the playroom.

* * *

Carin and Sara were playing with blocks and dolls, but Erin was playing with a plastic set of mixing cups.

“Erin, want to play with us?” Sara asked.

“Okay.” She came over and played with them, using more blocks to make a backyard while the other two pretended their dolls were princesses.

Soon, Mom came into the room to check up on them.

“Are you girls all ready for our guests?”

“Yes, Mom.”

Richard walked by in the hallway again, talking heatedly on the phone and calling someone an asshole. Tina giggled at her father. He was evidently as good a role model in this reality as any other.

“Gloria, I love this so far! I’m a girl and I’m getting along with my sisters…” Tina trailed off and Gloria merely smiled at her. “But… I’m not really playing with them. I’m kind of doing my own thing while they play princess. Why is that?”

“Well, they have imaginations that are good for fantasy and pretend, whereas Erin has a mind for building things and experimenting.”

“Huh. Okay.” Tina paused for a moment. “As long as I’m a girl.”

* * *

Gloria brought them back to the living room to see Christmas of 2004 one last time. Sara walked into the room with her Christmas tree earrings and Erin followed her in to help her arrange the presents.

“Come on, Erin! Put Mom’s presents near that couch and Dad’s can go next to that chair.”

“Okay!”

“Awww, they’re so cute! Why am I getting the feeling that I missed out?” Tina chided Gloria.

“But are you?”

“Well…”

The two girls continued sorting the Christmas gifts while they waited for their parents to join them. They seemed happy, but Tina realized that something was missing from Erin.

“Wait a minute! I was sitting at the piano and banging out the limited songs I knew while
Sara put out the presents. Doesn’t Erin know how to play piano?”

“No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t have the musical aptitude that you do. As I said, she is more of a scientific mind.”

Tina looked back at her as she sat down in her favorite spot.

“How strange that she doesn’t play piano,” Tina murmured. “That’s so sad.”

“Yes, it is.”

The rest of the family came into the living room and sat down to open presents. Tina was almost bored watching her sisters open the gifts containing their new clothes which Tina had already seen — now for the third time.

But then Erin opened her gifts and received a set of binoculars.

“So much for GI Joe — and good riddance, too!” Tina glanced at Gloria, who merely smiled at her.

“Cool!” Erin exclaimed. “I really wanted these for bird watching! Thank you!” She carefully put down her binoculars and hugged her parents.

“Well, that’s pretty neat. I like birds, too. I guess that’s at least one thing we have in common.”

“Mmm hmm. Come on. There’s more to see.”

* * *

Gloria brought Tina upstairs to the playroom, where Carin and Sara were playing with dolls. Erin was standing at the window, with her new binoculars around her neck. There were few birds that time of year, but she seemed to find enough to look at.

“She’s off by herself. In the other reality, I was by myself playing war, of all things, and here I’m also by myself trying to find birds.”

“Mmm hmm.”

“It’s so weird. She’s… someone else, Gloria. She isn’t me.”

“Of course she isn’t! If you had been born female, the differences would not have been limited to female anatomy.”

“You’re right. I guess I never thought of that.”

“Well, that’s perfectly all right. Come, there’s one more Christmas to see.”

“All right.”

* * *

They turned around and wound up standing in the foyer as Mary came out of the kitchen to answer the door. This time, thirteen-year-old Erin came down the stairs and Tina was astonished at her appearance. Erin wore black slacks and a red turtle-neck sweater. She wore no makeup and her hair was barely longer than a boy’s.

“I cut my hair? When the hell did I cut my hair??” Tina gawped.

“A couple of years back. Erin would rather experiment with test tubes than hair claws. She keeps herself busy and has no time to fuss with her appearance. A few years back, she went out and got herself a practical haircut and never looked back.”

“But, Gloria… I love my hair!” Tina fingered her locks. “I never, ever had it that short! I-it was never shorter than my chin! Now look at her! I mean, she looks cute and all, but… she’s not… me.”

“No, she’s not. Look.” Gloria gestured toward the living room, where seven girls sat together and chatted.

Melissa seemed much closer to Sabrina than she did to Erin. Tina could see that, at best, Melissa and Erin were friends. Erin clearly felt as strongly about Melissa as Tina did, but there was no sign at all that Melissa was attracted to Erin.

“Uh, Gloria? Melissa doesn’t like me this way any more than she liked Kris as a normal boy. At least she talked to him! She’s not at all interested in Erin.”

“You’re right.” Gloria smiled knowingly.

Tina felt numb as she considered this life bereft of her music, her long hair and Melissa’s affection.

* * *

Gloria moved Tina to the dining room, where they observed Christmas dinner again. Erin was seated at the other end of the table from Melissa for no other reason than preference.

Erin stole periodic glances at Melissa and Tina could see how she pined for her. Tina thought about Melissa touching her under the table upstairs and had the sinking feeling that Melissa never touched Erin that way.

Tina stood there brooding, tears running down her face as she watched her family eat. She felt heartbroken about Erin’s life and grateful that she wasn’t Erin.

“I’ve seen enough. This is not my life either. None of my life works unless I’m me. I wouldn’t have related to my sisters as any one else and Melissa only wants me the way I am! I want my old life, Gloria. I want to be me — and I want Melissa!” Tina turned around and leaned her elbows on the credenza against the wall. She buried her face in her hands and cried.

“I love Melissa! I love her!”

* * *

“I love Melissa! I love Melissa!” Tina cried.

She felt two warm arms wrap themselves around her.

“I love you, too.” Melissa whispered in her ear.

Tina opened her eyes and found herself standing on the bridge with her elbows on the railing. She wondered where Gloria had gone and looked around. She spotted her just down the street peeking out at her from behind a tree before she waved and disappeared. Tina smiled at Gloria and at her newfound certainty that she had turned out just the way she should have.

“Ooh, you’re freezing! Come here!” Melissa opened her coat and wrapped it around Tina. She turned around, still sharing Melissa’s coat with her and slid her arms around her.
Tina looked behind Melissa and saw Melissa’s father waiting in their idling car and talking on his cellphone. Tina’s eyes gravitated back to Melissa’s.

“You came to get me!” Tina croaked.

“Of course.” She smiled and then surprised Tina by kissing her right on the mouth. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

Tina kissed her back.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

* * *

Mary opened the door and threw her arms around Tina.

“Tina! Thank God! It’s below freezing out there and you left without a coat! I was worried you’d freeze to death!”

“I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Well, as long as you’re safe, honey, it’s all right.”

“Hi, princess.”

Tina’s heart was flooded with trepidation at the sound of her father’s voice. She turned around in horror and watched him walk in through the front door.

Wait! Did he just call me ‘Princess’? Is this one of Gloria’s alternate realities? What’s happening?

“Hi, Dad.” Tina peered up at him nervously.

He looked at her for a moment, bent down and hugged her tightly.

“Tina, honey, I am so sorry I said those things. I’ve been so stressed out about money and I… I panicked. I wasn’t thinking. I was a big, fat jerk.” He looked at her with tenderness in his face, but Tina realized that she still had a major problem.

“Mom? Dad? I really am a girl. What are we going to do?”

“It’s like your mother said, Tina. If it turns out that you need the surgery, then we will find a way to make it happen — and we will be all right. Please don’t worry about that.”

“Okay, Dad.”

“I love you very, very much, no matter what. Okay?”

“Okay.” Tina smiled and hugged her father as a tear escaped from her eye.

“Can you find it in your heart to forgive me for hurting you the way I did?”

Tina studied her father’s face for a moment and decided that… well, it was Christmas.

“Yes, I forgive you.”

“Thank you, princess. I really am sorry we only have one small Christmas gift each this year.” He hung his head miserably.

“Dad? I have a family who loves me and accepts me the way I am. I have good friends,” Tina looked around the room until her eyes rested on Melissa, “and I have the love of a wonderful girl. I don’t need any presents. I have all I need.”

“Oh, I am so proud of you.” He hugged her again. “Come on and have a seat by the fire. You must be freezing. Why don’t we all have a little pumpkin pie in the living room? How’s that?” Richard rubbed his hands together.

“Sounds good to me.” Tina smiled.

“Tina?” Melissa gently put her hand on Tina’s arm.

“Yes?” Tina smiled at her nervously.

“You’re still the only one for me.”

“Even though we’re only thirteen?”

“You just wait,” she smiled. “We’re going to be together a long time.” She kissed Tina again. “I can tell.”

* * *

Just before Tina turned out her lights for the night, she looked at herself in her mirror. She wore a pink nightgown that she had borrowed from Carin and her hair was freed from its usual pony tail. She stared at her reflection and smiled at what she saw.

“That’s much better!”

She turned off the light and went to bed.

---

[ Other Stories By Mona Lisa ]
 
2009-12-22 05:39:50 -0500