The Presence Of Other
By MonaLisa

Lily knew that her backdoor was the entrance to a completely different life — or at least it would be the moment she stepped through it. The only problem was that she didn’t know whether the difference would be wonderful or disastrous. All she knew was that something had to give. She had been keeping a secret from her family and she was literally wasting away inside.

THE PRESENCE OF OTHER

Lily knew that her backdoor was the entrance to a completely different life — or at least it would be the moment she stepped through it. The only problem was that she didn’t know whether the difference would be wonderful or disastrous. All she knew was that something had to give. She had been keeping a secret from her family and she was literally wasting away inside.

A strong wind rustled the rosebushes and cherry-blossom trees in the yard, seeming to bring to life the disturbance within Lily. She had removed her feminine ponytail, but the wind blew her wavy, dark blonde hair into her face and she had to put it back in the ponytail she’d worn throughout the day.

She’d stood in the backyard many times, after returning from school as Billy, working to get her emotions back under control before her family noticed anything was wrong. The bullying she received at school stemmed from her naturally feminine build and features and she feared that talking to her family about it was a surefire way of getting herself dragged kicking and screaming out of the closet.

Now, she knew all of that had to change. She could no longer live her life the way it was. Telling her family would be hard, but it couldn’t be harder than taking her own life. She couldn’t stand out there one more time, fretting about her life crashing to the ground around her. Something had to change - before it was something tragic. This time was going to be different.

Lily was sick of pretending to be someone who never existed, pretending to like things she hated, and pretending to hold ideals that she loathed. Everyone that knew her thought she loved to play soccer and thought she liked the boys’ raunchy jokes and believed in the stiff upper lip.

There were so many things that were all part of Billy-the-wonder-phony. Billy was bullshit. Billy never existed. It was Lily who had emerged from her mother’s womb on Billy’s birthday, not Billy.

The disquiet in Lily’s life had to end. Lily wanted to feel peace in her life and a sense of place, just as she had with Merri throughout that day. She knew that she could and should be feeling that rightness and freedom every day - but she would have neither as long as she continued to hide the truth.

Lily slowly rubbed her shoulders, lost in thought as she imagined the reaction of her family. God, they’ll probably hate me. They’ll probably worry about the embarrassment that will come to them if anyone else finds out about me. Lily was terrified of how they might react.

Her father and brother weren’t as bad as some men out there, but they were still quite masculine. They would balk at the notion that Billy should have been Lily — was Lily. Her father would send her to military school. That was what made a man out of her father and it was about to make a man out of her brother. He had just been accepted to West Point, where their father had attended. When she told her family about her, she would probably be shipped there as well in hopes that it would “fix” her.

Lily’s sister, Clair, would probably laugh at her and tell all of her friends. Since the three of them attended the same high school, the news would be everywhere. The two of them had always gotten along and were even pretty close, but this kind of juicy gossip might prove irresistible to Lily’s fourteen-year-old sister — or her friends.

As for her mother, well, she married the military type and was proud of her son heading off to West Point in the fall. She had asked Billy many times why he couldn’t be more like his brother — and warned him with equal frequency not to behave too much like Clair. It was her mother who put a stop to Billy playing Barbies with Clair; it was she who had ended Clair’s makeovers on Billy.

Ultimately, that was what had given birth to Lily’s fears of discovery. Her mother had made it clear that Billy couldn’t act like the girls or have anything in common with them. It would only be acceptable for him to be one of the boys and share their values. That was what her father and her brother did. Why couldn’t Billy be more like them?

He had tried, his life becoming more miserable the longer he kept it up, until he screwed up the courage to go to a second-hand store and buy a skirt and top. The bra, panties and tights had actually been easier. He’d simply ordered them online at the same time as a new baseball mitt and made sure they’d be shipped in one box.

Missing only shoes from the outfit, he’d located a shoe store with consistent sizing in its products. The store kept its wares on shelves in the front room arranged by size for the customers to browse through. He’d found the courage to walk in, wait until the coast was clear, and quickly try on one pair of girl’s loafers, moccasins or flats, anything he could try quickly. It had taken three visits to find the right size. Once he had the size right, he ordered a pair of black, leather flats online — along with the baseball cleats he needed for school, again arranging for both to be delivered in one shipment.

Lily felt terrified that her family would reject her, but she was commensurately frustrated about her fears. She had just turned eighteen, after all. Why do I feel so afraid of my own family? Why do I feel like I have to hide? I shouldn’t have to hide. I hide because I’m afraid of them. Why does my family have to have such a strong military influence in it? Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid if not for that. Maybe I wouldn’t have to live in fear of Mom finding my stash or of any of them figuring me out. It’s this stupid military streak, I just know it! Lily wiped away a tear from one eye, hoping she wouldn’t smear her mascara.

God, maybe this isn’t such a good idea, Lily worried. I just don’t know.
She sat down on the steps outside the back door, inhaling the sweet fragrance of the cherry blossom trees as she thought about what brought her to her impending moment of truth.

One look at his best friend was all it had taken. Billy couldn’t take his eyes off of Merri’s outfit as she walked out of her classroom. The hallway was lined with lockers the color of yellowing paper and echoes of students chattering in the industrial fluorescent light, but in all of that, Merri was all that Billy could see. She wore a peach t-shirt, a mint green sweater that tied around the waist, light denim skirt, lightweight, semi-opaque pale-gray tights and off-black leather ballet flats. Her reddish-tinted auburn hair was done in a cute, feminine ponytail with curly tresses framing her face, nicely complementing her pale blue eyes. She was the epitome of feminine beauty and grace, the essence of everything Billy wanted to be.

Her appearance had always made Billy jealous, and finally, Billy could tolerate no more. It ate at him to see her so free to be a girl while he smothered himself to the brink of death trying to be a boy. Tears began to run down his face and he ran for the restroom. He dashed through the door, past a blur of lime-green tiles, and darted into a large, wheelchair-friendly stall, where he locked the door and cried.

Billy was overwhelmed with envy and frustration — and he was having terrible trouble keeping it under control.

Merri had clearly noticed something in Billy because she had recently asked him if he was angry at her or if there was something she’d done. He fervently denied it, unable to tell her what was really going on, but she could read his face like a billboard. Stymied by his lack of communication, she believed he was angry with her. Their relationship became very strained as a result and Billy felt terribly guilty about it.

As he sniffled, blowing his nose and wiping his tears, he heard a couple of girls walk into the room, chatting and giggling. What the hell are they doing in here? Billy sat rigidly upright. Oh my God! Am I in the girls’ bathroom? Not knowing what else to do, he moved silently to a spot in front of the toilet, facing away from it, waiting for something to happen and praying that nothing would.

Suddenly, a third girl blustered into the restroom.

“Hey, Merri! What’s the matter?”

“Oh, it’s Billy. I don’t know what’s going on with him but he always acts funny around me and he won’t tell me why. Just now, he took one look at me and ran away. I think he hates me and I don’t even know what I did that was so wrong.”

Merri sniffled.

Aww, she’s crying! Billy’s heart ached deeply at the knowledge of Merri’s pain.

“Well, honey… Billy is a weirdo, you know that.”

“No he’s not, Sarah! He’s just…”

“Weird?”

“Shut up, Trish! He’s not weird! He’s just sensitive, that’s all! God, don’t be like that!”

“Sor-ry! Geez, you act like you have feelings for him or something!”

“I do not! I just care about my friends, that’s all!”

“Whatever. Well, I hope he tells you… why he is the way he is.”

That got two of the girls laughing, but Merri was not amused. Billy silently thanked her for not laughing at him.

“Yeah, good luck with that. Oops, I mean him.” Sarah joked, breaking into a giggle.

“Hey!! There’s no need to be a bitch!!” Merri spat.

“Jeez, Merri, retract your claws, okay? I was only kidding!” Sarah retorted.

“Yeah, go snort some catnip!”

“Hey, I am sorry, but I won’t listen to you talk about Billy that way! He’s a human being — no matter what his problem is!” Merri finished with a mutter.

“Why do you like him so much anyway?”

Dead silence.

“I don’t know, okay? I can’t put my finger on it. He’s nice and he always understands how I feel and… I just like him, okay?”

“Whatever. Well, we better get to class. Are you coming?”

“Not yet. I need a minute.”

“Okay, hon. See you in class.”

“Yeah. See you.”

They left, and Merri stood at the sink. Billy heard her sniffle again and felt terrible knowing that his behavior of late had really hurt her. Of course it had! He was acting all jealous around her and not telling her what was going on. She must feel awful, the poor girl. With fresh tears leaking from his own face, Billy opened the stall door and approached Merri. For a moment, he couldn’t speak and he stood there staring at her.

“Merri, I’m so sorry.”

She whirled around and stared at Billy.

“Billy? What are you doing in here?” Merri tensed. “Did you hear that whole conversation?”

“Yes, I did.” Billy looked at his feet. “When I ran away from you I ran in here. I-I thought it was the men’s room.”

“Oh.” Merri seemed satisfied with his reason for being in the girls’ bathroom but she needed to understand Billy’s recent behavior — and Billy knew it.

“Merri, you have never done anything wrong. I am not angry with you and I could never hate you.”

“Then why-?”

“I’m jealous of you.”

“You’re jealous of me? Why? What do you mean?” Merri was completely mystified.

“I’m jealous of you because… because you’re a girl and you always look so pretty. I-I… I’m a girl, too, but I have to pretend to be a boy. Everything about me is fake! You’re so free to be a girl and I have to hide in a dark, stuffy, lonely closet! It’s not fair! I would give anything to be free and look pretty every day like you do!” Billy began to cry again. Merri stood there staring at him in silence as he rambled on. “Merri, I should have known how my behavior was making you feel. I-I should have talked to you a long time ago. You needed me to communicate and I didn’t. I clammed up.”

“Wow, I have to admit, a boy would never say something like that. You really must be a girl.”

“I am a girl! I really am! I don’t know how this happened to me, but I’m a girl in here!!”

Merri embraced Billy before releasing him and looking into his eyes.

“We should talk more, but we have to get to class. Let’s fix ourselves up before someone else comes in here, huh?”

“Yeah. Good idea.”

They grabbed some toilet paper and dried their faces.

“You know, I always knew you were different and I knew that something was making you upset all the time but you always denied anything was wrong and I never knew what to think. I thought maybe you didn’t like me for some reason.”

“I do like you.” More than you know. “It was never like that. Oh, Merri, I have always liked you.”

Billy apologized again and she forgave him.

“Well, come on, we should probably leave before someone else comes in here.” They hugged again and headed for class.

After school, as they walked home together, an idea took root in Merri’s mind.

“Hey Billy?”

“Yeah?” He smiled at her.

“Would you like me to dress you up as a girl? I would be more than willing to help you.”

“I would love that. I have one outfit that I’ve been wearing whenever I can, but I would love some help.”

“Okay then! Is there a girl’s name you like to use?”

“Yes.” He blushed. “I call myself Lily.”

“I love that name!”

“Thank you,” Billy smiled brightly.

“Here’s what we’ll do. On Friday night, my parents are going out for their date night at eight. You can stash Lily’s clothes in my garage and hang out with me until they leave. Then you can bring Lily’s clothes into the house and change.”

“I would love to do that! Lily could really use a friend.”

“Then it’s settled.” Merri and Lily exchanged a satisfied smile.

That Friday night, he carefully shaved so that his face could at least feel feminine, since he had no makeup. He packed Lily’s outfit in his backpack and walked over to Merri’s garage, making his way down the length of the shadowy, brick-paved driveway.

He crept into the garage through the side door that Merri had left open for him and put his backpack down behind a stack of firewood and looked at it for a few moments, eager to transform back into Lily.

With a longing sigh, he left the backpack there and headed for Merri’s front door, feeling like he had merely moved Lily’s clothes from one hiding place to another.

Standing in front of Merri’s brick Edwardian home, he rang the bell. Seconds later, Merri greeted him, invited him in, closed the door and led him up to her room. It was decorated in pastel shades of teal and peach, with matching bed sheets and throw rug. Billy loved that room far more than his own, which felt to Lily like a crazy combination of a boy’s clubhouse and a holding cell. Merri’s room seemed to accept him and embrace him while his own merely mocked him.

Billy loved spending time with Merri, but it seemed an eternity until Lily’s parents left for their date, allowing Billy to eagerly creep out to the garage and get Lily’s things. While he was there, he decided to surprise Merri. He changed in the garage, donning the pink, cotton scoop neck t-shirt and denim skirt with his black leather ballet flats.

Lily stuffed Billy’s clothes into the backpack, replaced it behind the firewood, and walked back into Merri’s house. Merri was on her way down the stairs as a pretty girl came in the front door and closed it behind her, leaning against it with a wry smile on her face.

“Lily? Is that you?” Merri smiled warmly.

“Yeah, Merri, it’s me. What do you think?” She asked nervously, twirling for Merri.

“You look cute! I love your outfit!” Merri gushed. “Can I put makeup on you and do your hair?”

“I would love that!” She jumped at the chance and they headed happily for Merri’s room.

She sprayed Lily’s hair with water and ran it through her curling iron, creating a wonderfully feminine look. She added some foundation, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow and lipstick. She clipped a pair of silver hoop earrings onto Lily’s ears and slipped a promise ring onto her right ring finger. Standing back, she pronounced Lily done.

“How do I look?”

“You look wonderful!”

Merri brought Lily over to the mirror and showed her what she’d done. Lily’s heart almost stopped beating when she saw herself.

Lily thanked Merri and threw her arms around her. Merri hugged her tightly in response and the hug lingered for several minutes.

“You know, Lily, we have to go shopping tomorrow. I want to help you find another skirt or two and a couple of tops, maybe another pair of shoes, just enough to give you some help.”

Lily looked back in the mirror and saw a normal girl smiling back at her.

“Okay, but nowhere we’re likely to run into anyone we know.”

“Agreed.”

The next morning, Lily was to meet Merri at her house. Lily had enjoyed surprising Merri by walking into the house as a girl and she had also relished the short walk outside as her true self. She decided to do it again just for kicks.

She arrived at Merri’s garage dressed as Billy, crept into Merri’s garage, made the change into Lily, stashed the backpack and walked up to Merri’s front door. The front door opened and Lily smiled brightly.

“Lily! I’m glad you’re here!” Merri happily embraced her and Lily responded in kind.

“I am too!”

“Come on, let’s get you ready!” Merri grabbed her hand and led her up to her room. Half an hour later, Lily was looking pretty and they were ready to go.

Lily and Merri left her house to walk out to her car. As they got into Merri’s beat-up, ten-year-old Jetta, Lily was nervous as hell but thrilled to be herself outside, in public. They drove to a mall across town, where they wouldn’t bump into anyone who knew Billy. When they parked, Merri checked on Lily to see how she was doing. She was scared, but wanted to do it. It felt so good to be making a start that it overpowered her fears, at least for the moment.

Merri showed Lily to a boutique that sold accessories, including handbags.

“First things first, Lily. You need a bag for your things.”

“Yeah, girls’ clothes have no usable pockets, do they?”

“No, they sure as hell don’t.” Merri giggled. “Come on!”

Merri and Lily browsed the section of handbags and Lily picked out a reasonably priced but nice-looking handbag that would go with a variety of colors so it would match whatever clothes they picked out — as well as the ones she had on. Happy with the purchase, Merri paid for it to avoid the obvious problem with using Billy’s credit card. Lily had a smile on her face as they left the store. They made a quick stop in the ladies’ room to transfer Lily’s wallet, keys and cellphone into her new purse, as well as a tube of lip gloss that Merri gave her.

“Next stop: clothes!” Merri smiled at Lily and took her hand.

“Sounds great to me!”

They walked into a GAP store and browsed the merchandise. They found a couple of skirts for Lily to try on as well as a few well priced cotton tops. Lily tried things on and found that some of them fit. She walked away with a knee-length plum corduroy skirt, a black cotton t-shirt with a scoop neck and a second in lavender. They picked out a couple of pairs of nylon tights in off-white and black and rung it all up.

“That should be a good start for you. How about some shoes to go with your new clothes?”

“I’d love some!”

“Follow me.”

They went to a Payless Shoe Source branch at the mall and picked out a couple of pairs of casual flats to match the GAP clothes they’d bought.

Satisfied with their shopping success, they headed for the food court. Surrounded with the aromas of cooking foods of several cuisines, they walked up to the Panda Express counter and ordered some good Japanese food.

They chose a table and sat down to a nice lunch to celebrate Lily’s new venture. They were too lost in conversation to be bothered by the groups of teens and single mothers with unruly three-year-olds in their near vicinity.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I am having fun.”

“So am I, Merri. I’m really glad we did this.”

“Good! I’m glad you’re enjoying it, too, not that I didn’t expect a girl to love shopping.”

They shared a giggle.

“Yeah, what girl doesn’t love shopping, right?” Lily kidded.

“Oh, I know, it’s a stereotype. Anyway, what do you want to do next, Lily?”

“I’d love more clothes, of course,” Lily put forth her own stereotype, “but I’ll have to wait until I have more money.” Her expression dimmed a few shades.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of snickering. They turned to see two twelve-year-old girls pointing and giggling at Lily. Fortunately they were just out of hearing range.

“Come on, Merri. Let’s get out of here.”

Merri put a hand on Lily’s and gently rubbed it.

“Stay calm, Lily. They might just think we’re… you know… lesbians or something.” Merri blushed. “I’m guessing they don’t know about you. Nobody else has noticed anything.”

“Well, maybe. God, why do people have to be like that? What do they care? I swear, people have got to learn to be more tolerant.” Lily sighed. “I should go over there and talk to them. Somebody’s got to educate people. That’s where it starts.” Lily griped and Merri looked at her with empathy, sliding her hand up Lily’s arm to her shoulder.

“No, don’t. You are right that people need to be tolerant, but don’t worry about those little brats. Whoever their unlucky parents are, it’s their responsibility to drill some sense into them.”

“You’re right. Let’s ignore them. Let’s just figure out what we’re going to do and get out of here.”

“Okay. Do you want to head back to my place? My parents are gone until tomorrow night. You can stay a girl as long as you’d like.”

“Do we have to go back to your place?” Lily looked sadly down at the table. “I kind of like being myself out here. I don’t know when I can do this again.”

Merri gently put her hand on Lily’s.

“You can do this again anytime you want to. All you have to do is call me.” She empathized as she slid her hand down Lily’s arm to her hand. “Okay?”

“Thanks, Merri. You’re the best.” Lily smiled warmly at Merri, gently took her hand and squeezed it.

“This is what friends are for, sweetheart!”

“True.” They shared a smile across the table for a few delicious seconds.

“So. Do you want to go to a movie?”

“Sure!”

“Have you seen Avatar yet?”

“No, I haven’t, but I definitely want to!”

“So do I! Let’s go see it! They’re showing it in 3-D here! We’ll drop your new stuff in my trunk and go for it. Okay?”

“Sounds great!”

They paid the bill and headed for Merri’s car. As they dropped off Lily’s things, a couple of boys approached them. Lily was nervous as she sensed their masculine energy which should have felt so normal to her but felt somehow foreign instead.

“How are you ladies doing today?” One deep voice asked.

“Oh, we’re all set, thanks.” Merri pretended to misinterpret the greeting as an offer to help with their bags.

“Are you here on your own?”

Lily saw the boys looking at their chests more than their faces and had a pretty good idea what they were thinking about. She knew they wanted nothing more than to lure them to the nearest bed, disrobe them and start right in. Lily was amazed at the way boys never seemed to notice the girl behind the breasts. She never lost track of that person. Her behavior towards women — and just about everything else — was so different from boys like these.

She marveled at just how different her world was from theirs.

Merri must have had the same impressions as Lily. Her next move confirmed as much.

“We’re together, actually.” With that, Merri gently grabbed Lily’s chin and kissed her squarely on her lips in a long, hungry, loving kiss. Lily had to uncross her eyes when it was over.

“Ah… I see.” Deep Voice raised his eyebrows and glanced at the other. “Well, you dykes have a nice day then!”

They turned around and left. Merri watched them go to be sure they didn’t decide to come back, but Lily stared at Merri. Merri’s intent may have been to put on a show for the boys, but that kiss was not fake. She’d felt Merri twitch once or twice during the kiss and she knew what it meant.

“Um, Lily…” Merri turned around to face her. “About that kiss… um…” She tried in vain to find the words. “W-we should probably talk about that.”

“Yeah, we probably should.” But Lily was smiling — and so was Merri. “Want to head for the theater?” Lily asked smoothly, not realizing how it sounded.

Merri giggled at the double-entendre before uttering her own.

“It’d be my pleasure.” She offered Lily her arm and Lily gladly took it.

When they emerged from the theater, three hours and least three kisses later, they chattered about how much they loved the movie. As they approached the mall entrance, flanked by a Claire’s Boutique and a Radio Shack, Merri decided it was time for their next move.

“So what do you want to do now?” Her face lit up. “Hey, we should get your ears pierced! How about that?” She enthused.

“Um, well…” Lily trailed off. Merri noticed that Lily was looking low.

“Are you okay, Lily?”

“Yeah, it’s just… I-I can’t get my ears pierced… not yet… um… my family will be home soon… I-I should go.”

“Want to stay the night with me instead of going home?” Merri offered.

The look on Lily’s face was one of deep longing and commensurate regret.

“Oh, I wish could.” Lily tried to smile. “But it’s family night… and… you know how my military dad is about the rules.”

“Ooh boy. You’re right. You’re going to have to go home.”

Merri was beginning to think she wanted Lily to spend the night with her as much as Lily did. The regret hung in the air between them for a few seconds as they looked into each other’s eyes.

“Well, come on. Let’s get you back to my place and get you…” She noticed the gloomy change in Lily’s face and chose her words carefully. “…erm, let’s get you… ready to… to go home again, huh?”

She put one arm around Lily and walked her back to the car, warmly rubbing her back to make her feel better.

Soon, they were back in Merri’s bedroom. Lily decided to change into some of her new clothes and chose the black top and black tights to wear with the plum skirt and the black flats she had bought earlier. Lily smiled as she looked in the mirror afterwards, feeling better than ever, though saddened that she would soon be forced to change back into Billy.

“Lily, do you want to talk now… a-about the… kisses? We should probably talk.” Merri asked from right behind her.

“Yeah, we should.” Lily turned around, put her arms around her, and smiled warmly. “That kiss wasn’t fake, was it?”

“No, it wasn’t fake.” Merri looked away. “I mean, I wanted it to look real to convince those horny bastards to leave, but…” She looked back at Lily. “I wanted it to be real, too.”

“So did I. And it was real. Very real.” Lily kissed her hard and kissed her long, until the alarm clock in her head warned her about her family’s imminent arrival home. Reluctantly, Lily pulled back with a loving smile on her face.

“It’s looking like something is happening between us…”

“Yeah.” Merri smiled warmly.

“…and I’m really glad.”

“Me too! I’ve liked you for a while now.”

“I’ve liked you too, ever since I met you.”

Merri sighed with relief.

“I’m so relieved! When I first kissed you, I was kind of worried that I might have made a mistake, since I didn’t know that you feel the same way. Then, when we kissed during the movie, I thought maybe it wasn’t a mistake, but I just wanted to be sure. I’m still glad we talked.”

“So am I — and just so you know, there is zero mistake about my feelings for you.”

“Right back at you.”

They shared a contented sigh and Lily’s face dimmed again.

“As much as I would love to… explore this…” She touched her nose to Merri’s and gave her a fleeting kiss. “If I don’t want my family to see me carrying girl’s clothes into the house I’d really better go. Damn it.” She chuckled.

“Do you want to leave your clothes here so they don’t find them?” Merri asked.
Lily figured that, in addition to her genuine kindness, Merri wanted an excuse for Lily to come and visit her — and soon — but that was just fine with Lily. She was happy to have a reason to see Merri!

“Yeah, that’s a great idea! Thanks!”

“No problem at all.”

“Of course, I still have to go home as Billy.” Lily looked around the room. “Now, where the hell did I put Billy’s clothes?”

“Oh, wait! You came here as Lily!”

“Well, kind of. I changed in the garage.” Lily chuckled. “That’s where my clothes are.” Lily smiled at Merri. “Allrighty. I guess I better go and get them.”

“Okay. I’ll wait here.”

Lily stood there, looking at Billy’s clothes stuffed into a backpack, thinking about turning back into Billy and hating that she had no choice but to do so. She wrestled with the conflict raging within her, trying to motivate herself to change back and failing. She just couldn’t do it any more.

She turned around, left Billy’s clothes where they were and stepped out of the garage, still dressed as a girl. It was time to reveal her secret to her family. Lily had to live and Billy had to die. It was time for Lily to sit down with her family and have a talk. She rushed home to get it over with.

Lily was tired of the lies. She wanted to put an end to the double life, the stage act, the magician’s metamorphosis. She wanted to be comfortable in her own skin every day.

She was nervous about telling her family about her, but her parents had raised her to be honest with them. What she was about to do was right, honest, and necessary for her well being — and she had a right to protect her well-being, damn it! She felt more sure of herself with each step she took, each yard she passed, each tree-lined block she covered.

As she neared her home, however, her feet turned cold and her pace slowed down. She wondered if it was a good idea to walk into her house and surprise her family like this. Tell them, yes, but show up at home dressed as a girl?

She knew that was only her “inner saboteur” talking but at times, her intuition agreed with her saboteur. This was definitely one of those times. She would just have to hope that her intuition was misinformed. She resisted the warnings of her saboteur and her intuition and forced herself to keep walking toward her house.

Lily’s saboteur insisted that she was supposed to be a boy. That was what everyone expected and that was what Lily had to do. Well, fuck that and fuck what people think! I have to do what’s right for me because that’s best for everyone in the long run, isn’t it? It won’t be any better for everyone if I get to the point of suicide or if I just turn into a bitter asshole. I’m doing the right thing. I just have to believe that! Even if they tell me to be a boy, I’m still right to do this because I have to do it! Lily made herself keep walking until she reached her backyard.

Lily finally stopped outside her back door, amid the roses and cherry blossoms, thinking about her family’s reactions, feeling especially nervous of her father and her brother. They were men — military men. They wouldn’t like Lily being a girl. They would ask why she couldn’t be more like them. They would stand there being all manly and look down on her for being girly. What was it with men anyway? Why did manly men seem so afraid of people who were different from them?

As she stood there, reminiscing, she realized that she was shaking with nerve. For a moment, she wrestled with her fears, but decided she was going around in circles and was sick to death of that shit. It was time. Everything had to change. It just had to. This could not continue.

Lily was scared shitless, but at the same time, she felt a certain peace knowing that the lies would soon be over and that some kind of change was coming. She stood up, stepped to her backdoor, put her hand on the knob and started to turn it.

“Lily?” Merri’s whispered voice beckoned her to turn around.

“Merri! God, I forgot you were waiting for me!” Lily went over and hugged her new girlfriend, whispering in her ear. “I saw my clothes sitting there in the garage and I just… I can’t be a boy anymore. I can’t do it. I have to tell them. Now. Tonight. It just… it’s consuming me. I-it just has to stop.” Lily clung to Merri, who was now worried for her.

“Are you sure you want to do this right now?” Merri continued the whispered conversation.

“Yes, I’m sure. I don’t want to go back to being a boy. As long as I keep hiding I have to be a boy and I can’t anymore. I just can’t. I would rather die, Merri — and I don’t think either of us wants to know just how serious I am when I say that.” A tear slid down Lily’s face, bringing forth a tear from Merri as well.

“Okay. Then I should be there with you when you tell your family. It’s a girlfriend’s place to be there for her lover, isn’t it?” She smiled at Lily.

“Yeah, it is.” Lily smiled back. “And I’m really glad you’re here. I’m sorry I didn’t come upstairs and get you. I just… it just blinded me and I just started walking.”

“It’s okay to be human.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you ready?”

“No. Come on. Let’s do this.”

Lily released Merri, took her by the hand and led her inside the house. The powder blue kitchen was warm and smelled of onions and seasonings. Merri knew that their dinner was sitting in the brushed steel oven, probably waiting for Lily.

Lily closed the front door behind her, took a breath, squeezed Merri’s hand tightly and went to the family room, where her family was sitting around the TV watching the winter Olympic games as they waited for Lily to return. Lily took one last breath before alerting them to her presence.

“Hi, everyone. You know Merri, right?”

Lily’s family stared at her, with their mouths open. Lily’s sister, Tammy, burst out laughing. Her brother, Matt, dropped the glass of Coke he was holding and it landed on the almond carpet with a muted clunk and a splash. Matt, however, was so stunned he didn’t notice the cola pooled on the carpet and dripping down the cherry wood coffee table.

“B-Billy?? I-is that you??” Her mother started as she stood up.

“No way, Bill!” Matt marveled.

“Son, would you care to tell me why you’re dressed like that?” His father was now standing with a soldier’s stiff upright posture — and he wasn’t smiling.

Lily started crying.

“I’m not your son, Dad. I’m your daughter. This is me. The real me. This is who I really am.” She hiccoughed. “I’m a girl. Really. I am. You have to believe me.”

Tammy was still giggling a little.

“Don’t worry! After the way you used to play Barbies with me and let me do makeovers on you, I believe you!” She chortled.

Lily managed to smile at her, grateful that at least Clair seemed to be taking the news okay.

Lily’s mother and father began talking and asking questions at the same time.

“Are you playing a joke on us, son?”
“Is that why Merri’s here?”

“This is not a joke, Dad. Believe me when I tell you I wish to hell it were a joke. This is serious. I am a girl. Merri’s here because she’s my girlfriend now and she’s supporting me through this. Come on, you’ve all noticed how different I am! You all know what a miserable excuse for a man I’ve always been.”

“But you’re on the teams, son!”

“But I never play in the games! I sit on the bench doing nothing except maybe shining it up with my useless ass — and I hate sports! I mean, have you ever once seen a grass stain on any of my uniforms?”

Lily’s mother gently toyed with the cameo pendant of the Virgin Mary on her necklace.

“Well, now that you mention it-”

“But you always laugh at my raunchiest jokes.” Matt managed to speak.

“And your raunchiest jokes make me want to vomit! I only laugh because I always thought I had to if I wanted to be accepted.”

For several moments, nobody spoke.

Lily’s mother slowly came over to her and embraced her.

“Oh honey, why didn’t you tell us you were feeling this way?”

Lily told them how her fears started as a result of being told not to be girly and to act more like her brother. Again the room went quiet, until Lily’s father spoke.

“Son, I-” He caught himself messing up the words already. “I mean, honey, I believe the current thinking on this is that it’s a medical condition. We have to get this confirmed and if it is confirmed then we have to get it cleared up. You need… whatever kind of help you need so that you do this the right way and don’t go off doing things that are dangerous or illegal. If you really are a girl then… okay, we’ll make that work. You can’t help how you were born. You’ve just got to talk to the right specialists and do what they tell you, every step of the way. I expect you to do this with the help of professionals, is that clear?”

Carry out my orders and preserve the chain of command, right Sarge? Lily jokingly gave her father a salute.

“Yes sir. I will. Believe me.” Lily went and hugged her dad. She still didn’t know what Matt was thinking and was afraid to turn around and find out — until Matt grabbed her right out of her father’s arms and embraced her, stepping in the spilled cola in the process.

“Oh dear, let me get that!” Lily’s mother headed for the kitchen to grab a dishrag.

Meanwhile, Matt gave Lily a rather soldier-style bear hug, but any embrace felt wonderful to Lily.

“I guess I’m not sure I understand this, but I understand enough. I know that it’s not just a hobby and it’s serious. Besides, I don’t see a freak here. I just see a normally dressed girl. Anyway, I am backing you up on this. If need be, I’ve got your back, okay?”

“Thanks, Matt.” Lily gave him a squeeze before Matt put her down.

“What about me? I’m in — and thank God I have a sister!” Lily gave Clair a great big sisterly hug. When Lily was done, she smiled at Merri, hugged her and kissed her passionately.

“Well, you’ve definitely got yourself a girlfriend.” Everyone laughed. “Have you got a name, you know, a girl’s name?” Lily’s father finished asking.

“Yes. My name is Lily.”

[ Other Stories By Mona Lisa ]

THE PRESENCE OF OTHER
By Howard Jones

This time, it’s different
Be sure, I mean it
Can’t go on trading on ideas that I just don’t own
A life with some meaning, a life with some sense

I want, to blame you
Give you, my power
I keep it all on the inside, keep it locked in the dark
I keep it all on the inside, keep it locked in the dark

People telling me it’s not my responsibility
But it is my problem and it’s my life, my life
I must believe the solutions, to the problems, are in my hands

Feel the presence of other
Love the resistance it presents
Different from and outside of me
Pushing me to find what is self

Slow down, just talk
Sit down, right here
Must be an answer to the question of birth and death
A world with some meaning, a world with some peace

Inside, it’s turbulent
Outside, reflects it
Hear you knockin’ on the inside, hear me breathe answer please
Hear you knockin’ on the inside, hear you breathe answer me

People telling me what they think that I should be
Only thing that I can be is myself, myself
I must believe in my choices to create value out of everything

Feel the presence of other
Love the resistance it presents
Different from and outside of me
Pushing me to find what is self
Feel the presence of other
Love the resistance it offers
Different from and outside of me
Pushing me to find what is self

This time, it’s different
I’m sure I mean it
Slow down, just listen
It’s my life, it’s my life

[ Other Stories By Mona Lisa ]