I hope you enjoy the story.

"I'm sorry, dude," John sighed, hanging his head. The brave face he had on would probably fool the rest of the school, but not me. We had been friends for years -- sometimes, it's like I know him better than he knows himself.

I just nodded and followed John down the hall. It wouldn't be long before we had to split up for our different classes, but especially this morning we had needed to talk. It might have been way too soon to just say "everything's gonna be fine", but I couldn't leave him so down first thing at school.

I felt John grip my arm tightly, so I turned towards him to see a look of anguish on his face. "I dunno, Don, did I do the right thing?"

"Of course! Do you even have to ask?"

The fact that he did feel he had to ask just proved to me how bad Sarah had been for him. I mean, seriously! She might be the "queen" of our high school, but I always thought at least John would be immune to her tricks. But no, even he fell for her. Being tall, blond, and a basketball player, John didn't have any trouble getting girls. Still, he had felt so good about getting a date with her that I never had the courage to tell him how bad she was for him, not that he would have listened if I had. John always fell hard for any girl he dated, and nothing could be said about them to make him think they were anything but perfect. Everybody but John knew she was just dating him because his family had money, and it wasn't long after they started dating that he was having to spend hundreds of dollars on her a month. Sure, his family could afford it -- but that's not the point. John might have thought nothing of it, but now he was being hit hard by her trying to use him, and in a way he couldn't ignore.

Another student backed into John and mumbled a quick "Sorry," but he seemed to not hear it as he was still caught up in his own thoughts.

"I just still can't believe she thought I'd DO something like that! She completely totaled this girl's car, and she wanted me to get my dad to change the records around so it looked like it was all the other girl's fault? That's not right."

John's dad might be one of the big lawyers in town, but he's also a good guy, and we both know that he would never do something like that, and what he would have done to John for asking. He's a great dad, who works hard to teach John how to be a good person too, something that John , unlike most of the other guys in our school, is mature enough to appreciate.

"No, John." I stressed his name to make the point. "It isn't. Trust me, your dad would be proud of the decision you made."

"But... she broke up with me 'cuz of it."

"So? You don't need someone like that. Sarah's always using people to get her way, that's just who she is. You don't need to sink down to her level. There's lots of other girls here at school who would love to date you." I spotted Jessica North, a cute girl from his grade, walking down the hall toward us, and waved at her. Everybody knew she had a bit of a crush on John. When she noticed me looking at her she quickly turned and walked away, but not before John caught my wave and expression.

"Ya think?" John asked me, his voice full of hope.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Not just yet, though. You and Sarah broke up last night, right? That's way too soon for you to go after another girl yet. Wait a week, so things can chill. Trust me."

John looked up at the ceiling as he thought for a moment, then answered me with a simple "Okay."

Even though I don't date myself, he had learned a long time ago to trust my advice when it came to girls. A lot of our friends and classmates, both guys and girls, trusted my opinions on the other sex. That Halloween the rest of my sophomore class had even asked me to do a dating advice booth as part of our Fall Festival activities, and it had been surprisingly successful.

Unfortunately, this time around my advice turned out to be wrong. WAY wrong. I had forgotten one important fact -- Sarah is an evil little... I'm not going to say the word. In less than a week she had rumors going around school that John had forced her into having sex with him, and was playing the "abused ex-girlfriend" role to the hilt. I mean, I'm pretty sure most everyone figured she was lying, but there were enough wannabes and hangers-on trying to get on her good side who were willing to support her story, truth or not, so it just kept gaining momentum. Not one girl would talk to John for any reason, and there were even a lot of his other so-called friends who started giving him the cold shoulder, because they didn't want their girlfriends to think they were like him. It didn't matter how hard I worked to try to counter the rumors, because -- just like always -- Sarah had more pull than me, even after I enlisted the help of my cross-country teammates. God, I hate her!It was just like every other time she had pulled out all the stops to make someone miserable, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Any progress I made was quickly ripped to shreds by a new rumor or claim and more of Sarah's crocodile tears.

By the time Christmas Break was over, I was pretty sure John couldn't get much lower. John had always been a pretty big guy, not overweight just stout, but he had stopped eating lunch at school and lost a lot of weight, and even quit the basketball team -- something he always loved -- after social maneuvering by Sarah had him booed off the court by some of her friends on the cheerleading team. No girl would be caught anywhere near him, either because of the rumors or simply out of fear of what Sarah would do to them if she found out they had been nice to him. What was she trying to do, drive him out of school? If so, her plan was starting to work.

Seeing how horrible John felt made me feel horrible too. We had known each other for what felt like forever -- my mom runs a housekeeping business, and back when she first started it his dad had become one of her first customers. His mom and my mom had become pretty good friends, and it wasn't long before they were setting up play dates for the two of us. Despite our age difference and growing up on different sides of the tracks, we had been close ever since. Where you found one of us you could usually find the other. He was quite a bit bigger than me -- obviously, he's older than I am -- but that never stopped us from roughhousing, playing sports, or getting in trouble together. He often joked that I'd be bigger than him soon, since it wouldn't be long before I hit puberty and caught up to him since we both came from families with big guys. I had to find some way of making him feel better, I just HAD to.

A plan, really THE plan, hit me about mid-January. I say hit me, but I wasn't really the one who thought of it, Ashley did. Ashley's my little sister, and for an eighth grader she was pretty cool. Pretty much whenever I'm not with John I hang out with her, and we talk, play games, watch movies — fun stuff that brothers and sisters are usually too busy arguing to enjoy. I guess we're closer than most, and always have been, but I have an extra special relationship with her. We talk about everything, and she knows things about me I’ve worked hard to hide from the rest of the world, even John.

In all the world, she was the only person who knew about Dawn.

There's a reason John was always my only close friend, and why I never dated. Dawn, well -- she was that reason. I hardly ever saw her, since we had to keep her out of sight, but as often as I could get Ashley's help, we would let her out. I was still young enough that making all the little changes wasn't that hard, and once we were done, there I would stand, as my true self. Dawn. Ashley and I would spend every hour we could hanging out as sisters. I would tell her all about my fears and worries, and she would tell me about hers, or what boys she liked, or any other little bits of gossip she wanted to share. I would always drink it in, relishing the time we had together. We were as close as any two sisters could be, and the little issue about me TECHNICALLY being her brother never came up when it was just the two of us. To the rest of the world I was Don, but Ashley knew better -- in a lot of ways; I think she knew me better than I knew myself.

It was about half-way through January when she had "the idea." We were sitting in her room talking, I think about some group we had just heard on the radio, but I was only half paying attention. Ashley, I guess, noticed how out of it I was, 'cuz she asked me what was bothering me. So, I told her about how worried I was for John, not for the first time. I had about given up trying to change what was happening at school, it was just too much for one person to handle, so instead I had been trying to think of something, anything, I could do to pull him out of the depression that had been swallowing him, but nothing I tried seemed to be working.

"If only I could find him another girlfriend, one who was actually good enough for him." I remember saying out loud.

Ashley's face took on a strange expression for a half a second, but quickly changed to a smile as she looked over at me. "I know!" she yelled as she jumped up and down on her knees and grabbed my hands. "I know what you can do!"

"What?" I asked, getting just as excited. If it could help John, I was prepared to do anything.

"We can introduce him to Dawn!"

"What!" Well, I was willing to do "almost" anything.

"Introduce him to Dawn."

"WHAT!" Our conversation was going nowhere.

"Oh, come on, big sis. You wanna find a girl who isn't scared of being seen with him, right? Well, you're with him every day! It’s perfect!"

She was almost right. "Okay, I can see that. Only one problem, though, Ash."

"Uh huh, what's that?"

"I AM scared of being seen!" I shrieked. "Just what do you think I'm gonna do, go to school like this?" I gestured down at the cami and shorts I had on, then up to where we both had our raven hair tucked into matching hairbands. I looked alright -- I hadn't hit any big growth spurts yet, thank God -- but I was still afraid that anyone seeing me would instantly know I was technically a guy.

"Oh, yeah. Hmm." She grinned at me. "Then why not be his SECRET admirer? You can write him little notes and leave them in his locker, all mysterious like. He never has to know who you actually are, you can just be some random girl at school. And if it works, then by the end of the year I'm sure things with that bit..."

"ASHLEY!"

"Sorry." She quickly apologized for what she had almost said, though she didn't act like she felt all that bad. "Anyways, by that time maybe things with that little WITCH Sarah will have calmed down enough that you can just kinda, you know, fade away," she said, with appropriate fluttery hand motions. "Maybe hand him off to another girl who has a crush on him."

"None of them are good enough for him."

Ashley quirked an eyebrow as she gave me a questioning look.

"Well, they aren't! Look how they’ve all treated him."

"Oh-kay." She gave me another weird look, like she wanted to say something, but thought better of it. "So will you do it?"

I didn't have any better ideas -- I was completely out of any other ideas whatsoever -- but I wasn't sure if Ashley’s brainstorm was a GOOD idea. I started trying to think of something, ANYthing, that would be a deal breaker.

"But, my handwriting will give me away."

"No it won't!" She shook her head vigorously. "I've seen you practicing in those composition books you keep hidden from Mom and Dad. Your ‘Dawn’ handwriting looks nothing like your usual boy handwriting, and you know it too, so stop making excuses."

I knew she was right, though I was a bit upset that I had been caught practicing my handwriting. I had been doing it ever since I first noticed that girls and boys write differently -- even before telling her about Dawn -- and with hard work I had been able to give myself two very different writing styles. Eerily, more and more my "Dawn" handwriting felt more natural than the chicken-scratch I foisted off on the teachers at school. I was the only person I knew whose handwriting actually IMPROVED when they stopped thinking about it, which was kind of a scary thought.

"I... okay."

Less than an hour later, I had the first letter finished on a piece of flowery, too-feminine stationery that Ashley never used because it was even too girly for her.

~
Dear John,

Dawn
~

I handed the letter to Ashley nervously, and after reading it she nodded her approval.

"You don't think I should change the name, do you? I mean, it's really close to the name I use as a guy."

Ashley squeezed my shoulder gently, then pulled me into a hug. "Don't worry so much. He'll never know it was you. Trust me."

I would trust Ashley with my life, so even though I was still nervous I silently folded the letter and sealed it in it's matching envelope. "What if he looks for a girl in high school who’s named ‘Dawn’?"

She shook her head slowly. "He’ll probably assume you’re using an alias."

I gave the letter one more nervous look before closing my eyes and slipping it into my pack, ready to slide through his locker grate the next day.

"What's up? You look a little different today. Something wrong?"

"Huh? No, nothing's wrong. No, definitely not. I think someone's trying to mess with me, though."

Well, duh? Sarah’s been running him ragged for the last, what, two months? "What makes you think that?"

Without a word, he passed me the note I had dropped off in his locker earlier that day. Feigning caution, I opened the note and scanned it quickly, not like I actually had to read it since I already had it memorized.

"I dunno, looks pretty real to me," I told him, giving him a lifted eyebrow. "Looks like ya got a secret admirer; any idea who?"

What had started as only hopeful glimmers when I first sat down at the table quickly turned into a small grin, and in that moment I knew that whatever happened later, the note had been worth the risk.

"You think?" he asked. "I'm not sure who it is, though. Why didn't she just give it to me herself?"

I shrugged. "Maybe she's shy?" That's the understatement of the year. "That's what it looks like from the note, you know? So, whatcha gonna do?"

He gingerly took the note back from me, like he was afraid it would shatter and disappear. "I'm not sure. To be honest... I'm just happy to know that there's someone out there who doesn't hate me."

I was surprised to hear myself respond softly. "You know I don't hate you either, John."

"Yeah," he answered me, smirking, "but you aren't a girl, either."

I managed to keep my mouth shut about THAT, at least.

For the next week it seemed like everything was better; and John was a lot more like his old self again. He wasn't looking at his feet all the time any more, and there were even a couple of times I got him to crack a joke. That one letter had made such a huge difference in his attitude it was almost unbelievable!

I really liked seeing John with a good attitude, so after a little debating with myself I decided to reward him. That weekend, I sat down and wrote the second Dawn note.

~
Dear John,

Dawn
~

It was embarrassing, but I couldn't stop myself from putting on some lipstick and adding a kiss to the end of the letter. I felt like an idiot almost immediately after I finished, but I folded the letter and sealed it in its envelope before I had a chance to change my mind. Ashley's giggling behind me only served to make me blush, but my "Quiet, you," was only half serious.

I barely had time to stash the note in John's locker before he saw me, but the instant he picked up the envelope I could see his face brighten. That week he seemed to continue to get better, at least, until that Friday at lunch.

"So, who do you think my mystery girl is?" John asked me between bites of pizza.

I shrugged noncommittally and tried to look as unconcerned as possible, just like I had every other time he'd asked me that question in the last week. Every day at lunch he would pull out the letters I had sent him and mull over them, and ask me questions about what I thought. It was a lot of fun, and always made me feel warm inside to see him admiring something that I had done for him, even if he didn't know it. Today, though, I was in for a shock as I watched a look of disgust cross his face. Then, he tore up the letters!

"What are you doing?" I stood in alarm.

John's face had gone from being almost normal to the same depressed look he'd had before the first letter, but this time, there was anger added to the mix, and the hurt grimace he wore made me ache to look at.

He rose to his full height, and without meaning to I backed away from the glare he gave me. "I will NOT be played with like this. I don't wanna be the patsy in some sick game that's just gonna get me hurt worse! Dammit, why is everyone in our school such dicks? This girl's probably just trying to get me worked up so they can do something else to me." John collapsed in his chair again, but I could tell he was still super tense.

I couldn't believe what I had just seen, and felt myself growing upset. "Jeezus, she just wanted to make you feel better!" I was doing my best to keep from slapping him for being so pathetic, or bursting into tears myself, but his change of attitude was almost too much -- combined with the effort not to give myself away. It took a supreme effort, but I managed to calm myself before continuing. "She isn't being mean, okay? She really does want you to be happy."

His anger seemed to fade as a small triumphant gleam came to his eyes. Staring right at me, he asked calmly, "Oh, really? And how would you know? You DO know who she is, don't you?"

"What, no!" Dangit! I really need to be more careful how I say things. I had just come dangerously close to saying too much.

"Then why do you think you have some special knowledge about what she means?"

"Wha, uh... shoot." I was pretty -- - well -- - stuck. If I kept claiming I didn't know who wrote the letters, then John wouldn't trust them any more and their effect would be ruined. I didn't think he'd react well if he knew that I wrote them, either. Knowing John, he would appreciate the gesture even if he thought it was a little weird, but then he would just go back to being depressed again. I never even considered that he might freak out on me -- we're talking about John here, my best friend and all around good guy, not one of the other boys. I sighed as I came to a decision, and hoped I wasn't digging myself in so deep I couldn't get back out. I looked up into his eyes. "Yes, I know who wrote the letters."

"Who is it?" He asked eagerly.

"I... I can't tell you," I answered slowly. Then inspiration hit me. "She really is very shy, and isn't ready to come out yet. Okay?"

Looking at his face, I could tell that, no, it wasn't really okay, but he nodded. John trusted me not to lead him wrong, and knowing that both relieved and tortured me.

"Tell her I'm sorry for ripping up the letters, would you? If she saw."

"I will," I promised him. An honest-to-god smile crossed John's face for the first time in, well, I wasn't really sure how long; and I knew he really was sorry.

"Thanks."

"I got your back." I smiled, both from relief and in thanks that he was feeling good about himself again.

Another weekend, another note. That Sunday would be Valentine's Day, so I decided that instead of the normal stationery I wanted to give John an actual valentine. Ashley gave me a weird look, but helped me to shop for exactly what I wanted. In the end, we chose what had to be the most embarrassingly cutesy and feminine valentine we could find, and neither of us could stop laughing as we misted it with perfume and I wrote John a short personal message inside.

I was nervous about the valentine, and held off putting it into his locker until Wednesday. Just having it in my backpack made me feel super strange, I dunno, almost like everyone could see it and tell it was from me to John. I finally worked up the courage to slide it through the slats, and by sheer luck I was there when John found it waiting for him.

"What's this?"

John was as embarrassed by the valentine as I had been picking it out, but from the looks of it he was also genuinely happy to have it. Several times that day I saw him stopping by his locker and sniffing the sweet perfume we had scented it with, and for some reason I felt myself flush every time I noticed that.

That Friday held another surprise, though it was a lot more pleasant than the last one. I was heading for Civics class when I heard my name being called behind me. Turning, I saw John walking towards me carrying a fluffy little white teddy bear clutching a flower vase, with a single pink rose. When he finally reached me, he proudly handed me the Valentine's gift.

I wasn't sure what to say, and felt my cheeks turning a shade of pink that matched the rose as I looked up at him. "Umm... thanks?"

John chuckled and punched me lightly in the arm, though not hard enough to make me drop the bear. "It isn't for you, dude. Jeez, I'm not gay. It's for Dawn. You said you know who she is, so could you give this to her for me?"

I was shocked. John had bought me a teddy bear! For Valentine's Day! I mean, yeah, he didn't know it was for me, but still. "I can do that," I said, before carefully maneuvering my way toward my locker to store the gift for safekeeping, until I could figure out what to do with it. "I'll let her know I have it next time I see her."

"Thanks, man. I owe ya one."

"You're welcome, John," I said softly, with my back still turned to him. I was desperately fighting the urge to hug him in appreciation, knowing he wouldn't understand. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I do.

The bus ride home that afternoon was, ah, interesting, to say the least, but with a little work I managed to talk Ashley into carrying my Valentine's Day gift into the house and up the stairs, just in case our parents were home. As soon as we were upstairs and safely secure in her room, though, I quickly took it back. That's when her questions started.

"Wow, so John must really like you huh?"

"They're for Dawn, the girl who's been writing him the letters. Not me."

"Aww, he DID get them for you! That's so sweet! I wish I had a boyfriend who would buy me flowers on Valentine's Day."

"Ashley..."

"So," she interrupted me, "what does the note say?"

"Note?" She was right. I hadn't noticed it before, I guess I had been too distracted by the rest, but sure enough there was an envelope taped to the side of the vase, just under the teddy bear's paws. Ashley looked at me expectantly as I slid the envelope open, so I sat down next to her on the bed so she could read with me as I pulled out the slip of plain white paper inside.

~
Dear Dawn,

John
~

Whoo, boy. John wants me to email him? As Dawn? Of course, he doesn’t know that Don and Dawn are the same person... but still.

A problem occurred to me. "I don't even have an email address as Dawn!"

Ashley fell over on the bed laughing, and her rolling around behind me pulled me back out of my thoughts of what to do.

"Dawn has a boyfriend, Dawn has a boyfriend!" She began chanting in between her shallow breathing and laughing.

"I do NOT!"

"Uh huh, do too!"

She finally managed to regain control of herself, but she was still wheezing as she stood and hugged me. "Come on, it's sweet of him. Most guys would be freaked out if they found out they had a secret admirer-stalker like you."

I wanted to object that I wasn't a "stalker," but she had a point. "Maybe," I conceded, "but things aren't going that well for him right now. Should I email him?"

Ashley looked me up and down. It was that same weird look she had used several times in the last few weeks. "Answer me one question first."

"Oh-kay,and what would that be?"

"Do you like him?"

"Ashley, he's my best friend, of course I like him."

"No," she shook her head, "he's DON'S best friend. I'm asking you, Dawn, do you like him, as in -- LIKE HIM -- like him?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" I huffed.

"Because. If you don't like him, you need to stop."

I thought about what she had just said for a moment. It made sense... to a point. Did I like John? As in — LIKE HIM -- like him?

"Aren't you supposed to be the LITTLE sister?" I asked suspiciously.

She snorted, then grabbed my hand and started dragging me out the door toward my own room. "Just be careful, okay? Come on, let's get Dawn online."

I logged in that night and sent off my first email to John. I tried to concentrate on the message, but my attention kept turning back to the bear and flower sitting on my desk, right next to my bed. I didn't know why, but just looking at them made me feel good. I knew I'd have to hide them whenever John came over, but in a strange way I was proud of John for getting them for me, even if he didn't know they were for... me.

~
Dear John,

Dawn
~

I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt my hand click the mouse once. Opening my eyes, I saw the words "Message Sent" displayed on my monitor. There. I've done it. Wow, I’m way more nervous about this than I had been about the first note I left in his locker. Those had been anonymous, maybe even a little mysterious. But this... this is on a whole other level. Step by step, I was making it harder for me as Dawn to cut myself off from John. I had hidden this side of me for so long, and now, I was free to talk to someone other than my little sister. I wasn't really comfortable with what I was doing yet, but at the same time as those thoughts scared me it felt good, too.

I must have stared at my monitor for three hours before John's message came in.

~
Dear Dawn,

John
~

No. I can't. Not yet. Not yet? Not ever.

I'd never left the house as Dawn, and I didn't think that would be changing any time soon. There were so many little things that I was always afraid would give me away. I mean, I like the idea of being myself, but it’s so scary! And I didn't want to use wigs or padding, either -- as much as they might help me to fit in as a girl if I did go out, I wanted my body to be my own, without assistance. No, I can't meet him. But I'd not tell him that. I won't say "No, never," just "no, not yet."

~
Dear John,

Dawn
~

"There," I said to myself as I sat back, "hopefully that'll be good enough to keep him happy for a while."

I didn't regret saying no. Not at all. Of course not. Why would I regret it?

Then again, maybe it would help him out even more if I did meet him as Dawn? Even Jessica North wouldn't look at him at school any more, which just blew my mind since she of all people should have known better. I'd see him the next day anyways, or Monday at the latest. So, in a way he would be meeting up with Dawn. Just... not a really girly Dawn. Not yet.

No, I had to remind myself, not EVER. As mucha s it hurt, I had to keep reality in sight. I'll be starting puberty soon, and then whether I'm a girl or not wouldn't matter, 'cause I definitely won't be able to look like one at all anymore. I took after my dad's side of the family a lot, and all the men were big. Huge, even. My dad? He's... I think... six seven. Grandpa’s six nine, and I don't think I have an uncle who is under six two. Not only that, but they're all pretty stocky too. Once all that kicked in, where would I be if I tried to dress as Dawn then? I wouldn't be able to do it, especially not around anyone, so why start something like that if I knew I couldn't finish it? I didn't want to think about my biology and how unfair it all was, because it always made me cry, hard. But I couldn't stop myself, and that night I went to bed early, skipping dinner so my mom and dad wouldn't see me.

I must have gotten a dozen emails from John over the weekend, and despite my doubts over whether I should or not, I answered them all. I dunno, there was just something so nice about talking to someone who accepted me as a girl with no question. He seemed sad that I wouldn't meet him anywhere -- that still made me have to fight down giggle fits when I saw him -- but I guess he accepted the excuse that I was shy. We developed a pattern pretty quickly; one of us would suggest something, like a movie or a band, and the other would tell them what they thought. Even being best friends for so long, I found out things that weekend I never knew about John. He had cried at the end of Pooh's Grand Adventure. He wants to see Africa when he grows up. He loves my mom's cooking, but hates his own mom's. I didn't know ANY of that!

At school on Monday John was in an even better mood than he had been the week before. I felt so nice seeing him walk around smiling and laughing like his old self, I decided to let him talk me into instant messaging him. It was almost magical the way people's attitudes at school changed, too. The brighter his mood got, the better the rest of our classmates treated him -- and the more frustrated Sarah seemed to be every time I saw her. Ooh, it felt good to see that. She tried to start another series of rumors the next week about something else horrible John had supposedly done while they were dating, but they fell flat ‘cuz there was nothing she could say that was worse than what she already had, and I think the rest of the class was getting tired of her domineering attitude, too. John was happy, and it made me happy knowing that it was because of me. Even the girls in his grade were starting to talk to him again, which made me jealous. Why did it make me jealous? At least I knew that it was me who helped him get over that... other girl, so I had the upper hand. Jeez, what am I saying?

By the time the beginning of March rolled around John was opening up to me about so many things we had never talked about before. I was happy, but hurt, too. I rationalized that since Dawn was a girl he felt he could open up to her without sounding "gay." I mean, after all, she's a girl he likes.He asked me to meet with him again, but I said not yet, again. His persistence was wearing on me, I guess partially because I really did want to see him as Dawn, but I had to stay strong. Things were getting serious, and I wasn't completely sure I was ready for it yet, but there was no way I was going to stop.

I'm sure I don't have to say it, but I was dressed in my Dawn clothes as often as possible when talking to John online. Ashley would tease me a little about how cute she thought it was that I would "girl up" for our "e-dates" -- as she called them. I was thankful I had my own clothes and didn't have to borrow hers, though, because even if our parents were home when we came in from school I had taken to running straight to my room and changing before getting online. Don would disappear, and Dawn would be there at the computer, waiting for John to get home. On days when he had basketball practice -- the coach had been surprisingly understanding, and let him back on the team with almost no fuss, to our mutual shock -- I would sit in my room or talk to Ashley for the hour I had to wait unless Mom or Dad asked me to do something. I'm pretty sure Ashley thought I was just using the time messaging John as an excuse to be myself, but she was nice enough not to say anything if she did.

~
MORNINGGLORY: John!
JWESTJR: howwuz ur day 2day?
MORNINGGLORY: lol just another day - cudnt w8 4 it 2 b over
JWESTJR: ya, I no - used 2 like skul but u no
JWESTJR: rly had me down 4 long time
MORNINGGLORY: ya I no rt - must b hard 4 u. dosnt seem so bad now tho
JWESTJR: guess not but all thx 2 u :)
MORNINGGLORY: o rly? :P lol
JWESTJR: ya rly... BRB
(JWESTJR has signed off)
(JWESTJR has signed back in)
JWESTJR: u ther?
MORNINGGLORY: course! wuz sitting lone - w8 4 u
JWESTJR: lol u no if u wud meet u wudnt b lone
MORNINGGLORY: i no but still not rdy
JWESTJR: cn least c ur pix?
~

Oh, wow. What do I do here?

~
MORNINGGLORY: idk not rdy 4 u 2 c me
JWESTJR: k but promise I wont evn go near u at skul - jus wnt 2 no
~

Huh? He didn't just say that. Did he?

~
MORNINGGLORY: srs?
JWESTJR: ya - dont care how stupid - jus feel like i nown u hol life
~

Okay, that's a bit freaky. Still, it's John, and I know that if he says he will or won't do something he keeps his promises...

"Ashley?" I called out. I really needed her advice with this.

"Huh?" I heard her call from her room.

"Could you come here for a second?"

I heard her try the knob, then knock on the door impatiently. I rushed over and let her in quickly, trying not to show myself in my girl's jeans and cami just in case Mom and Dad were around. As soon as I knew the coast was clear I locked the door again and pointed to my monitor, where the chat window was still sitting waiting for my answer.

She read our messages from beginning to end with a smirk on her face, then stood up and turned to me. "Do you want to do it?"

"Well, I can't really, can I?" I stared at my feet.

"Why not?" She laughed. "I mean, you aren't gonna win any beauty pageants but you're pretty enough."

"Well, thanks, I think," I sneered at her.

She rolled her eyes. "No, really, you look good. We'll have to do something about your hair, though."

I reached up and touched my hair. "But, I don't wanna wear a wig," I complained. I had been growing my hair out for the last year or so, and while it wasn't long by any means I was proud of it. Not only that, but as much as I hated to admit it if I was going to send John pictures I wanted everything he saw to be me. It might be risky with how often we saw each other when I was in boy mode, but for some reason it felt really important that everything about Dawn be as close to the truth as possible.

A ding from my computer let me know John was still there.

~
JWESTJR: u ther?
MORNINGGLORY: sry gtg - mybe pix but kinda scary - ttyl, k?
JWESTJR: k - please? rly like 2 c u
~

I signed out, then turned around to face Ashley again. "Now, you were saying?"

She shook her head like she couldn't believe I was actually agreeing. "Oh-kay. I've got a plan, but you'll have to trust me."

"You know I do," I stated firmly, braver than I actually felt.

She just grinned.

"Are you absolutely SURE that Mom and Dad are going to be gone all day?" I asked for what must have been the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes.

"YES! They told both of us earlier this week -- Dad has to work on whatever it is they have him doing at the shop, I think some old guy's show car or something, and Mom has to clean Mrs. Finson's place today. They're gonna be gone at least until four or five this afternoon, so we're fine. Stop being such a worrier; or you'll get me started, too."

Okay, intellectually I knew Ashley was right. She was always right -- it's one of the pains of having a little sister who's smarter than you -- but in my heart I was having a hard time coming to terms with what we were setting out to do. I'd never left the house dressed as Dawn before, and here I was all dressed up, and she was about to drag me down to the park. Why? For a photo shoot! The photos for John couldn't be taken at home, that'd be too likely to give things away or something like that. We had to go somewhere that was, well, I'm not sure what, but not home. The idea of both the photos and leaving the house dressed as Dawn scared the living daylights outta me, but at the same time it felt like a huge step toward being close to myself.

Of course, the clothes she had picked out weren't helping me out any, either. I've always been a jeans and tee shirts kinda person as both a guy and a girl, but she had decided in her ever-present wisdom that I needed to both make a good impression and look as little like a guy as I could. That's why I stoodin a long, heavy denim skirt and a baggy blue sweater that hung off my shoulders, showing the strap of my cami to the world, but in what Ashley said was a "Cute, innocent yet flirty kinda way." I just thought it made me look like an escapee from "Flashdance." But what do I know. If it wasn't for the chill still in the air I'm sure she would have chosen something a lot shorter, but even with how well the outfit covered me I still felt incredibly nervous when she opened the door and pushed me outside.

"I still wish you'd at least let me use some rolled up socks or something to make your boobs look bigger," Ashley grumbled as she held onto my hand.

I slowly moved first my left foot, then my right, willing myself not to turn around and flee back to the safety of the house.

"I'd rather be flat-chested than fake, I've told you that before."

"Oh, come on, everyone does it, it's no big deal."

"I know, but... I dunno. Not this time, okay?" I pleaded.

"You don't know what you're missing out on, big sis," she chuckled, "or I guess 'little sis' would be more appropriate." She poked me in the chest lightly, right at the edge of the cup on my lightly padded bra, the only concession towards bust enhancement I was willing to make.

"Hah, hah. Look who's being a comedienne today," I snapped. I wasn't in the mood for her jokes.

"Ease up, you're doing fine."

I couldn't "ease up," though, and pulled the short jacket she had handed me more tightly around myself as we walked the four blocks, or so, to the park. I kept hoping the cold would be my salvation, and that the park would be mostly empty when we got there since most people would wait until it was warmer. Lucky for me, there were only a handful of parents there with their children and a couple of joggers, as well as the ever-present ducks who never bothered to migrate since people were always throwing bread into the pond for them.

"Okay, let's start with a few casual shots by the pond, then maybe a couple on the swings. If I spin you on the merry-go-round, you won't throw up, will you?" Ashley teased me as she raised the digital camera and started snapping photos of me while spouting cheesy lines we always heard photographers use on "America’s Next Top Model".

"Work it for me, come on."

"Show me some sass."

"Strut, strut, strut... now stop. There, that's perfect baby, I love it!"

That's how my first ever time out as a girl went. Ashley would snap away on her camera as I posed for her in different parts of the park. What had started off as a nerve-racking experience became a lot of fun as I loosened up. None of the parents or kids in the park seemed to be able to tell that I wasn't all girl under my clothes, and the less people paid attention to me the more confident I became.

We had just sat down after finishing what must have been the hundredth shot of the day, when a frazzled looking mother with frizzy red hair and freckles ran up to me. She had looked worried from a distance, but as she drew closer her expression looked more and more fully panicked as she continued to rock a tiny baby in her arms.

"Um, excuse me, miss?" She asked me, her eyes darting around. "I hate to ask you this, but could you watch Stephie until I come back? My little boy ran off and I can't find him, and I'm so worried; and I don't want to drop her and..."

Ashley spoke up from behind me. "Sure!"

At the same time I blurted, "M-me?"

The woman nodded quickly, and a small look of relief seemed to wash over her face before she started to panic again. "I know it's weird for me to ask this, I don't even know you, but I need to look for Brian...right now!"

"Uhm... okay?"

Yes, it was definitely a look of relief that she had as she carefully handed me the small sleeping bundle. She was talking the entire time about little things like how to hold the baby, what to do to change her or if she cried and a lot of other things I couldn't catch in her nervous state. I just nodded numbly as I settled back onto the bench I had been sitting on, trying not to jar the baby too much. I promised her "Stephie" would be fine, then with one more worried look she rushed off without even giving me her name.

Ashley thought the whole thing was hilarious, but less than five minutes after the mom left we were both cooing over Stephie like she was the first baby we had ever seen. Her eyes were closed, and she was making little bubbly noises and shaking her fists around. It was like the cutest thing EVER. Ashley kept bugging me to hold her, but the lady had asked ME to watch the baby, and I couldn't just hand her off to someone else! I mean, what would she think if she saw the baby in Ashley's arms and not mine? I had to watch her, it was my duty. I told all this to Ashley, but she just gave me a look like yeah, sure -- I think she knew I just wanted to keep holding the baby.

Way too soon, Stephie's mom came back with a dirty and upset little boy in tow. He couldn't have been more than four years old, and there were tear stains tracking down his face through the layer of mud. His mom had a napkin out and kept wiping at his face and sobbing like she hadn't seen him in -- forever.

"... I was so WORRIED about you; where were you? Oh my God, I can't believe... at least you’re safe. Don't EVER run off like that again, you hear me? I was... I was... " She was almost to us, and her face kept switching between anger and exhausted relief. I wasn't sure whether she wanted to hug the little boy more or strangle him, but when she reached us she visibly calmed herself. "Was Stephie good for you?"

"She was a little angel." I cuddled the little blanket-wrapped ball of gurgling cuteness.

"Good," the woman sighed, before gasping, "Oh, I just realized, here you are holding my baby for me and I never even introduced myself! I'm Barbara, but everyone just calls me Babs."

I carefully pulled my right arm from under the baby, and we shook hands. "I'm Dawn, and this is my little sister, Ashley."

"Hi!" Ashley chirped.

"And this little dirt pile here is Brian. Say hello, Brian." Babs lightly tugged on the young boy's hand.

He looked up at us sadly and managed to mumble a small, "'Lo," before blushing and looking down at the ground again.

"Thank you two so much. Normally I'd never ask a stranger for a favor like that, but you've been at the park all day so I didn't think it would be a problem."

"No, it wasn't a problem at all." I smiled. "We enjoyed it."

She sat down next to us and we visited for a few minutes, but it wasn't too long before Ashley and I had to leave if we wanted to get home before Mom and Dad did. It was hard to part with Stephie, but I eventually managed to do so; and we left the park.

We got back in plenty of time for me to change, so we both headed upstairs to our rooms. I was going to look at the pictures before going back to boy-mode, but Ashley said it would probably take a while, and I should change first.

I stood in the middle of my bedroom floor, looking into the mirror over my dresser for the longest time. I've done it. I've been outside as a girl. I left the house, and went to the park, and had a great day. I thought about little Stephie so sweet in my arms. I wonder what it would be like to be a mother? It must be wonderful.

I shook my head as I felt the tears start falling. Of course, I'll never have that, will I? Another year and I’ll be too big and hairy to ever be able to go out as Dawn again. How can I be a girl if I'm seven foot tall and covered in fur?

It must have been an hour later when Ashley came in looking for me, and there I was still dressed, curled up on my bed and bawling my eyes out. She sat down next to me and held me as I cried, whispering soothing things in my ear, but all I could hear was myself asking over and over how life could be so unfair.

"Yeah, John, for the fifth time today."

I didn't want to say it to him, but John was starting to get a little annoying. He was constantly talking about the picture of me we had sent him. It was one of the ones she had taken of me by the pond, sitting on a rock and watching the ducks. I'd been surprised by how well the photos had turned out, and with the way she had twisted my hair and put it up I looked so much different that I didn't figure John would be able to ID me. That was on Tuesday -- it was Friday, and he'd actually printed the picture and taped it inside the door of his locker, finding something new and exciting he just HAD to tell me about it at least once a day.

Okay, so it may not have been John entirely that was getting on my nerves. My mood had been pretty sour all week, in fact, ever since the day in the park. I dunno, things just seemed so much worse after that. I'd endured another physical examination for cross country earlier in the week, and that had just helped to drive things further home that I'd never be able to be a girl. The doctor had grabbed my, uh, "bits" and given them a pretty good grope before giving me some kind of booster shot in my rear and telling me I was a fit and healthy young man. Young man. Oh, sure, some day I can be a dad, but it's just not the same as being a mom. After puberty I'll never be able to pass, and I just know that Mom and Dad will kill me if I ever tell them how I feel.

"Hey, man, you okay? You're looking kinda upset again."

I jerked a bit, but nodded and tried to smile. It didn't work. Normally I'd look for Ashley to try and talk about things if I got feeling bad, junior and senior high all shared the same lunch, but she was out for the day at the doctor's for her physical, so I couldn't do that.

By the time I got home that afternoon, all I could think about was locking my bedroom door, changing clothes, and talking to John online. I had slammed the door on my way in, and I was almost to the stairs when Ashley came down and saw me.

"Dawn? Mom went to work at John's house after dropping me off. Come on, we need to talk."

I didn't really want to talk any more, but I wasn't sure how to get around it without hurting Ashley's feelings, so I followed her back upstairs, where she entered MY room. I followed, and spied a small paper bag that had been folded closed sitting in the middle of my unmade bed. I turned to Ashley and gave her a quizzical look.

"Go on, Dawn, open it," she urged me.

I was curious, so without further prompting I walked over to my bed and plopped down next to the bag. I rolled down the top, and peered in to find... a slim pink compact. But it wasn't actually a compact. I knew what was actually in it, and felt tears coming into my eyes again -- always with the crying -- as Ashley came up beside me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

"You have NO idea how embarrassing it was to talk to Mom and the doctors to get those. And if they ask, you got them from one of your friends at school, okay?"

I just nodded as I spun around and hugged her as tightly as I could. We both knew what she was offering me was dangerous, because we had both looked at the sites online. But I didn't care. Ashley was always the smart one, but she understood how I felt, and no matter how stupid it might have been, we both knew I was going to use the pills.

~
MORNINGGLORY: u ther?
JWESTJR: ya been w8ing 4 u
MORNINGGLORY: sry just running l8
JWESTJR: sokay, ur worth w8ing 4
JWESTJR: y r u l8?
MORNINGGLORY: jus got meds 2day
MORNINGGLORY: getting rdy 2 start 2morrow
JWESTJR: r u ok? not sick r u?
MORNINGGLORY: fine -- not that kinda meds :P
JWESTJR: k -- u worried me
(JWESTJR has uploaded one file: WHEREVERYOUARE.MP3 Accept? Y/N)
(Y)
(File WHEREVERYOUARE.MP3 download complete)
JWESTJR: i shud stop w/ ur pix @ skul -- friends getting tired my brag bout u
MORNINGGLORY: ur mbrsing me
JWESTJR: y?
MORNINGGLORY: cuz i dont wanna b looked @ all teh time
JWESTJR: sry 4get ur shy
MORNINGGLORY: sokay -- howwuz ur day?
~

John made sure to let me know how much better my mood seemed to be that weekend, but when he asked why I was so happy I just said I'd had some good news earlier in the week. Even school wasn't enough to dampen my spirits, and I was constantly smiling. Every morning I'd take the pills Ashley had gotten me, and I'd feel just a little better about myself knowing that I was doing something to stop the growth spurts I had been expecting to start any time soon. I wasn't expecting anything super great, I mean, from our research I knew that birth control wasn't all that strong, especially not the kind they would give my little sister, but if they could even hold off my becoming a man even for a day, I would happily take them for the rest of my life.

By the time March ended John and I had grown a lot closer through our nightly talks. The only problem I had was that it was getting harder and harder not to let things slip when I was in Don-mode that only Dawn was supposed to know. It took a lot of work, but I did manage to keep my two lives separate... ish. Mom was getting better known and had more cleaning jobs, and Dad had managed to pull another contract for some rich guy's hot rod again, so while I felt bad never seeing them at home until late into the evening -- I was also happy to have that much more freedom to move around the house as Dawn. Ever since going to the park I had a lot more confidence in myself, and a few times Ashley and I went out to eat or visit the parks. It was still scary, but I never seemed to have a problem passing, which always made me feel good. Another part of my confidence was my "medicine" -- as sad as it sounds, one thing that had always held me back before was this fear of being out as a girl and all of a sudden my voice dropping, or growing a beard, or some other horrible sign of male puberty erupting, and everyone around me staring and laughing. It was stupid, I knew that, just like I knew that the pills wouldn't probably make any long-term difference, but they helped me to overcome that fear and just do things. We even went to the mall a couple of times, and had a blast looking around.

April came and went pretty much the same as March had... but May. May was bad. It was one of those rare mornings that Mom was still home when Ashley and I got up, and as I stumbled sleepily down the stairs something happened, and I stumbled and winced when a sharp sting rocketed through my hips and thighs. I was still limping when I rounded the corner to see Mom standing at the counter, her long black hair pulled back in a bun and already dressed in scrubs, ready to head off for work.

Just because Mom and Dad work all the time doesn't mean my family doesn't love each other, and the first thing Mom did when she saw me was stand up to give me a big hug, but the smile on her face died when she saw me wince again as I walked toward her.

"What's wrong?" She asked me.

"I dunno, my legs are really hurting me today though, it's like they're stinging and itching on the inside."

She hugged me, grinning as she backed up. "Growing pains, huh? Sounds like puberty has finally hit you. You'll be big as your dad soon enough."

Just like that, the good mood I had been in for over a month was shattered. I was crushed. Why aren't the pills working? All I wanted to do at that point was run back to my room and cry to myself for a while, but I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to skip school with finals coming up so soon. I tried to stay strong in front of my mom, but I couldn't stop a few tears from leaking down my face.

"Does it really hurt that bad, Sweetie?" Mom frowned, concern obvious in her voice as she started searching the cabinets. "I can give you some aspirin for now if you want me to, but if it's hurting that bad perhaps I should keep you home and take you to the doctor?"

I took the aspirin she handed me and thanked her, but said not to worry about the doctor. What can they do to help me? I was upset and angry, and had no energy as I wound my way back upstairs. It was a rash decision, but I took a second one of my little pills from the pink disc. Doubling the dosage will be more dangerous than I really care to think about, but I'll do anything if it’ll stop my body from growing more mannish.

And so the pattern was set for the rest of THAT month. I was irritable all the time, and really emotional, and to top it all off each day I could feel new little pains erupting across my body as things grew despite doubling my dosage.

My mom decided to measure me, since last time they had checked was back in December. ? I'd jumped from five-five to five-eleven, though according to Mom it was all in my legs. Looking down, she was right -- if we hadn't bought my pants baggy on purpose I'm sure I would be getting picked on at school for "high waters" with the way my legs stuck out of them. Luckily it was shorts weather by that time of the year, because I didn't want to ask for money for new jeans when I just knew we couldn't afford them. The biggest problem was that my double doses meant I was running short on pills. It was a desperate act, but one Saturday I dressed up as girly as possible in some of my Dawn clothes and headed downtown to the free clinic. It was embarrassing beyond belief to have to fake talk of boyfriends and experimenting and whatever else I could think of, but by the time I left I had another ring of pills -- just enough to last until Ashley could bring me her next dosage.

A little over halfway through May, something weird happened though, and it made me really have to think about things. John had been acting like he was worried about my behavior for the last couple of weeks, I guess because of how depressed I had gotten. At the same time, he was still totally moon-eyed over me, too. Well, over Dawn-me. Every day was "Dawn this" or "Dawn that" when I was talking to him and it was getting me a little frustrated. But that's not what was weird. Since about mid-April, pretty much all the rumors and stuff had lost all their power, and John was just as popular as ever, including with the girls.

"Don, I need your advice on something."

"Sure, what'cha need?"

"Well, Jessica North asked me out."

"WHAT!" That bit... Grrh!

"Yeah. But I was thinking -- hey, man, you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Uh, I gotta go talk to someone. I'll let ya know what I think later, okay?"

He looked at me kinda confused-like, but nodded.

I immediately ran off to the other side of the cafeteria and grabbed Ashley. I know she wanted to complain when I pulled her out of her chair and outside, but her expression changed when she saw my face.

"Ashley, I need to talk to you. Jessica asked John out!"

"Good for him! So everyone's being nice to him again?"

"Ashley! But what about me? I mean Dawn?"

Ashley looked at me sideways. "What about her?"

"Well, it isn't fair to her if he goes out with Jessica!"

"Why not?"

"Because I really... she's supposed to really like him a lot!"

Ashley actually started laughing at me!

"Ohmigod, I swear, I had my suspicions, but THIS is..."

I was pulling my hair out I was so stressed. "WHAT!"

She calmed down enough to look me in my face. "You really do like having him, don't you?"

"I just don't think..."

"Obviously not."

"Ashley! It... what do I do? He wants my advice, and... I don't know what to do!"

I was freaking out, hard, I know, which is I guess why it surprised me when she wrapped me in her arms and squeezed me lovingly. "Girl, you need to chill."

"But..."

"No. Chill. Woo-sah. Come on."

Whoo. Okay. I can do this. My heart began to slow down, and as soon as I stopped hyperventilating Ashley let me go.

"Now, more calmly. John was asked out by Jessica, but rather than just saying ‘yes’ he asked you for advice on what to do. Right?"

"Uh huh." I slid down the wall behind me until I was sitting on the ground, and watched as Ashley matched me on the wall across from me. We were in one of the alleys between school buildings where the smokers usually hid, but I had no idea how we had gotten there.

"That means that he's not sure if he should accept, which means he cares about Dawn. Right?"

When she said "he cared about me," it made me feel better for some reason. "Yeah?"

"Okay. So, what I need you to do is decide if you care about him."

"Well, Dawn..."

"NO! I don't want you to think about Dawn as a made up person and what she's SUPPOSED to feel. You like him, really LIKE like him. Don't you?"

I didn't want to think about that. He's my BEST FRIEND. I CAN'T like him like that. It's not right, you know? But...

"You don't have to answer me right now," Ashley said calmly, "but you have to think about it."

I swear, sometimes it's like she can read my thoughts.

That was when the bell for class rang, and lunch was over.

I tried thinking about things, but school kept getting in the way that day, and before I could leave that afternoon John cornered me in the hallway.

"Hey, man, I'm sorry to keep bugging you, but I want an answer."

"I... I... I can't give you one." God, I'm such a wimp.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too close to the issue." I left it at that. John looked thoughtful for a moment, like he was considering something, but then nodded and let me pass. I definitely had to think about things.

He never did go on that date with Jessica North.

It wasn't long before finals were over, and my last day of being a sophomore was officially behind me. Ashley would be a freshman and John would be a senior the next year, and I was expecting it to be great. But before then, we had one lazy summer to look forward to, and I intended to spend it doing absolutely nothing.

The first hint -- okay, the first one I noticed -- that I might have misjudged my sudden growth spurts came almost as soon as school was out. My chest had been aching pretty good for a week or so, but I'd assumed that it was just like the aches in the rest of my body, as my chest tried to expand into the barrel-like proportions of my dad and uncles. So, I tried to ignore it. On that fateful morning, I slipped a loose tee shirt and a pair of my old ratty boxers on over my panties to head down to breakfast. Most of my regular shorts were too tight in the hips after all my growing to be comfortable, so I always put off putting them on until the last minute. I'd just stepped out of my room and had just about made the turn towards the stairs when I heard an astonished gasp and felt something pull me back quickly and shove me into my room. Before I could respond, Ashley was there, slamming my door and looking at me with shock on her face.

"Dawn, what are you doing? Do you want Mom and Dad to see you like that?"

"What?" I asked, confused. I wasn't dressed any different than usual, and I thought Mom and Dad would be at work by then anyway.

Instead of answering, Ashley pointed toward my mirror, so I turned to look. At first I didn't see anything wrong. It was me. Hair to my shoulders now, long legs, skinny arms. I didn't see a problem until Ashley grabbed the back of my tee shirt and pulled it tight.

Poking through the cloth were two small bumps topped with even smaller jutting points.

Boobs.

Jeezus, I have boobs!

"Whasaaa! Ashley?"

"Oh, no. Please don't get me into this!"

She glared at me for a few seconds, during which I just stood there shocked. After that, though, her face softened and she came over to hug me. I really needed that hug, even if the pressure on my chest reminded me of something I was having a hard time believing I hadn't noticed earlier.

"Hold on, let me go check my room really fast, I might have something that'll help."
Ashley left, and didn't return for a lot longer than I thought it should have taken her to get something from her room. When she finally returned, her "something" turned out to be one of her yoga tanks, with a built in sports bra. I was reluctant to try it on, but after I did and layered a regular tee over it I was happy to note that it looked like any other tank top, though I'm sure she got a good laugh out of giving me one in lavender with small white flowers all over it.

After that, well, everything changed. I'd been trying to ignore what I had thought would be an increasingly masculine physique; and because of that I'd missed how feminine my body had become. My hips were wider and I was taller, but I didn't look any bigger further up than I had been, well, except for those mounds on my chest. I dropped my tee shirt again and pulled it tight, highlighting the faint beginnings of an curvy shape to my body. I still took after my dad's side of the family, sure, but I looked a lot more like one of my aunts than one of my uncles. Even my face had softened a bit, though if you asked me exactly what had changed I wouldn't be able to tell you. Looking at myself, I could still see the boyishness left over from Don, but I could also see that at some time while I wasn't paying attention Dawn had taken over.

The best way that I can describe the feeling is that I was ecstatic and terrified at the same time. What have I done? I'm a girl. Well, that's obvious, and perfectly fine by me. But how can I hide this? My dad's side of the family doesn't tend towards large breasts, so according to Ashley I can expect to maybe be a largish 'B' and that's about it, the same as her and our cousins -- well, our girl cousins, none of our boy cousins have breasts. I'll have to strap them down. Just the idea of that made me wince. I can't go swimming again. I can't go topless any more.Actually, the idea of THAT made me smile. I can't go downstairs to breakfast only halfway dressed any more.

The idea of that made me frown... big time.

I looked over to my bed, where Ashley had sat down and was waiting for me. Despite her being two years younger than me, the joys of puberty had graced her physically before they had started on me. Now, we looked almost the same. I was maybe a couple of inches taller than her and I had shorter hair versus her larger breasts and shaved legs, but we looked about the same size overall, and now I knew why none of my clothes would fit me right any more.

My clothes. No, not all my clothes. Just Don's clothes. Boy's clothes.

A grin broke out as I dug through my closet to the panel at the back, the one that slid to the side and opened up on a set of narrow shelves I had nailed into the wall supports to hold my girl clothes. I sorted through them quickly, pulling out a pair of large cargo shorts that I had bought a while back and not worn yet even though they weren't that different from boy's shorts. Ashley gave me one more quick look, then smirked and gave me a thumbs--up before leaving my room and locking the door so I could change.

I removed my scruffy boxers and stood there in just my panties for a moment before pulling up the shorts and turning to the mirror. My baggy tee shirt hung over the waist of the shorts enough to disguise the low slung style and the way they gripped my butt, a good thing since when I lifted the hem of my shirt and looked it was a little too... rounded, I'd say, for a guy, especially in the tight shorts. My hair was shaggy and hung to a little past my jaw, just touching my shoulders if I scrunched down a bit, so I pulled it up, twisted it a couple of times, and tucked it under an old Marlin’s baseball cap Dad had given me. Looking in the mirror, I saw a tall, gangly-looking person who looked more male than female -- more because of my hairy legs and flat chest -- well, my chest that looked flat. I was gonna have a hard time hiding how I was looking at track meets, especially if I kept developing, but I wasn't going to put any more effort into looking like a boy than that. Satisfied, I headed downstairs for breakfast.

~
Dear Dawn,

John
~

~
Dear John,

Dawn
XOXO
~

I wasn't really sure about closing the letter with "Love," and I was kinda embarrassed about the hugs and kisses, but after the way John had closed his letter it only seemed right. Ashley approved too, so we sealed it up and sent it off from the local post office -- the last thing I wanted was Mom and Dad finding something like that in our mailbox.

John and I wrote each other every week at least once. As soon as his letter came in, I would sit down and write out my response. I had thought it would be hard to create a fake summer for Dawn, but in the end I mostly just told him the truth, since unless Mom and Dad were home I spent most of my summer as Dawn anyhow.

It was halfway through July when John asked if I would send him another picture. He said that one of the CIT's spilled soda all over his printout, ruining it, but I was pretty sure he just wanted another picture of me to show off more. Ashley and I argued about it for a while, but in the end I agreed to pose for another photo shoot. Okay, so it didn't really take that much effort for Ashley to convince me -- I had been thinking hard over the last two months about what my feelings for John were, and I was finally ready to admit that I did like him a little in more than a "just friends" kinda way. Just a little is as far as I was ready to go though. So I shaved my legs, desperately hoping Mom and Dad wouldn't notice, and we set out for another round of pictures.

I had figured on the two of us just heading back to the same park we had used the first time, but Ashley had other plans. I was dressed in a pair of khaki capris and a loose tank top, with an actual bra on that fit my breasts, now up to an 'A' apparently. I had my hair pulled back in a ponytail, a style it was just long enough.

Ashley's choice of shooting location this time around was the mountains to the north of town, at the top of a few of the hiking trails and near the river. Again I found myself posing for her constantly as we slowly worked our way up the paths. When we finally reached the very top, she had me sit on the edge of a small cliff while she shot photos from the path about ten feet below. I was laughing at how hard she was working to lay her shots out, worrying about light and angles and everything, but I was also excited to see what John would think of my "outdoor girl" look. Since he was at a summer camp full of outdoors-types I hoped he would appreciate it. For some reason, it was becoming more and more important to me that John liked me and thought well of me. I knew that after summer ended I would have to let him go, so he could date some of the other girls at school who could actually be seen with him, but thinking about that hurt, and I was content to play the role of girlfriend as well as I could -- for as long as I could. I promised myself it would just be until he got back from camp, but until then I refused to try to think of any way to change things between us.

~
Dear Dawn,

John
~

~
Dear John,

Dawn
~

~
Dear Dawn,

If I have to wait years to meet you, then I will. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and as crazy as it may seem, even never having spoken to you in person I feel like we are meant to be together. I'll never give you up.
~

The rest of his letter was pretty much just chat about what the last few days of camp were going to be like. He never mentioned his devotion to me again, but I was still crying at the end of the letter. This had gone way beyond anything I had been expecting for the letters. I never meant for him to start liking Dawn that way. I never meant it to last this long.

I never meant to have feelings for John.

Yes, I finally admitted it, I really liked John. No, I love John. I had loved him for years, but this was different. In a lot of ways, I'm sure all of this was harder for me than him, as selfish as that sounds. I saw him every day at school, I would sit by and listen to him talking about me, about how he felt about me, and I could do nothing. It worried me and excited me all at once. And, he was coming back from his summer away at camp; and I knew that my time for ending this without hurting both of us a lot was almost gone, if not already passed. A lot of people think it's silly for a high schooler to feel like they've found their soulmate, but I knew that John's feelings for me were real, and so were mine for him. His wasn't his normal hard crush on a girl. His feelings were true love.

Four days later John was back home. I stood in front of my bedroom mirror, distractedly strapping down my breasts, followed by another one of Ashley's yoga tops, followed by an old Longhorn’s jersey. I pulled my hair back and twisted it before tucking it under a cap, just like I had gotten used to doing every time I had to dress as Don. I looked over myself in the mirror, and had to frown. My legs were still as smooth as they had been, I mean, after shaving them once I wasn't going to let the hair grow back, and their shape beneath my shorts was very pretty, the lotion I had put on them giving them a nice shine. I wondered how much my parents noticed the difference in my appearance. I hadn't grown another inch since reaching five-eleven -- we'd checked -- but the rest of my body had kept growing, just in a completely different direction than the guys on Dad's side of the family. And what's more, I was pretty sure that regular old BC pills shouldn't have affected me that strongly. I briefly considered the idea that maybe my body was messed up more than I had thought, but dismissed it. I wouldn't be that lucky. No, something else was rotten in the state of Denmark, or, you know, however it goes. I shrugged and decided not to question it, before grabbing my pack and heading out for John's house.

He had just got back from camp the day before, and we were planning on spending his first official day of freedom hiking, of all things. I knew he was hoping to see Dawn out on the trails, even though he never said it, so I was hoping I'd be able to act enough like his old buddy Don to distract him from that, maybe even tease him a bit about his obsession with some girl he'd never actually met. Ashley didn't like the idea at all, and told me it was mean -- and okay, I agreed with her, but I told her that's how guys worked. I was more than nervous already, and I was hoping that if I could get him riled up a bit it would help him not to notice how different I was, and get him to relax about things afterwards, too.

All those plans flew out the window the minute I stepped on his porch, though. I rang the front bell, listening to the familiar gonging chimes and waiting for an answer. Only John didn't answer, my mom did, wearing her aqua cleaning scrubs. I forgot she’s working at John’s house today.

"Oh, hi sweetie, are you and John going out today?"

I'm sure I jumped when she said "going out,", but she just kept smiling at me, so I nodded.

"I'll let him know. You two have fun, but be careful, okay?"

I nodded again, and Mom gave me a quick hug before closing the door. I heard her footsteps heading off, and less than five minutes later the door swung wide open and I was nearly bowled over by a huge, tanned body rushing out of it.

"Whoa, sorry, I didn't see you there. Don?"

I looked up... and up... into John's face, my eyes' widening as I saw what two months of summer camp had done to my best friend. He must have grown at least two or three inches, I was sure he hadn't been that much taller than me before he left, and even through his slightly tight, camp shirt I could see how much more toned he was than he had been at school. His shaggy head of hair complimented his strong, if slightly scraggly-looking, jaw. I fought the compound urges to blush, drool, hug him, and punch him all at the same time. OH-kay, I definitely have to admit to myself, I definitely like guys, and especially guys like John.

"Hey dude, you okay? You look a little warm. Wanna come in for a bit before we head out?" John asked with a worried look on his face as he squeezed my shoulder tightly in his large hand.

When did he grab my arm? To keep me from falling?

I shook my head a bit to clear it, then turned away from him while I still could and answered in as masculine a voice as I could manage. I'd been practicing and it was still really fake sounding, but I hoped like heck he wouldn't notice. "Nah, I'm fine. Are you ready to go?" He hefted his own pack onto his shoulder with two fingers and smiled, making me feel a little weak again, but without another word we headed out for the mountain.

The plan had been to tease him a bit about Dawn while we hiked. I'd planned to show him how much stronger I had gotten over the summer, or at least pretend to be stronger, and I knew my endurance was better since I had been running every day. I had planned to do so much. But no. Instead I found myself talking and joking with him almost like we had always done, but there were just little things we were doing different. Before, we would take turns leading up the paths, setting the pace while the other talked, but I found myself letting him lead and talk both, while I gasped, oohed, and ahhed at all the right times as he told me stories about camp. I already knew most of them from the letters he had been sending me, but I had to keep in mind that he didn't know I'd read the letters, so I listened to him talking without interrupting.

It was close to one in the afternoon when we finally broke for a snack. We'd been hiking for over three hours by then, and we both could use the rest. As we ate, though, I kept noticing John glancing at me and giving me funny looks. It was starting to make me nervous.

"What?" I finally asked, after what was probably the seventh time he'd looked at me like that.

"Are you and Dawn related?"

I nearly spewed Kool-Aid all over myself when he asked that, but somehow I managed to swallow it down the wrong pipe instead, and had a massive coughing fit. John chuckled as he rubbed my back to try and help me stop. I prayed to God he wouldn't feel my bandage wrapping while doing that, but it felt too good to ask him to stop.

"Hey, ease up, I'm just asking 'cuz you look a lot alike, that's all. Is she your cousin or something like that?"

"Uh, yeah, something like that," I rasped.

He nodded. "I thought so. The resemblance is really uncanny, except you're a guy and I think she's a little shorter than you. Also, I think she's older than you too, she's gotta be a senior this year, I'm sure of it."

It was all I could do not to laugh at John as he started going on about Dawn again, comparing and contrasting all the ways we were alike, but so different. From the way he kept adding little bits of obvious fantasy to what I knew was the truth, I was pretty sure I didn't have to worry about him pegging me as Dawn.

We finished up our snacks and packed up, ready to head back down. We took a winding, difficult path, not really in any hurry to get home. That's not true. I was in a hurry to get home, but there was no way I could tell John why. I should have been paying more attention when I bound myself that morning instead of letting my mind wander, and I quickly discovered that sweat and bouncing and a lot of physical activity combined with a poorly-wrapped bandage were uncomfortable to the point of being painful. By the time we got to his house it was all I could do not to rush in to their downstairs bathroom and rip the bandages off, but I knew the last thing I needed was for John to see my boobs. He invited me in, but I made my excuses and dashed home as quickly as I could stand, tearing the bandages off as soon as I had my bedroom door closed.

I wept as I looked at my breasts, covered in angry red welts and rashes from where the bandages had rubbed them raw. My chest was right at the verge of being a "B," and I couldn't stand to look long at what the wrapping had done to my skin.

I heard someone knock on my door, and I squeaked -- yes, squeaked -- in alarm, but a feeling of relief rushed over me when I heard Ashley's calming "It's only me." I pulled my tank and jersey back on before opening the door for her, and watched as her expression changed from excitement to worry.

"Dawn, are you okay?" She took a quick scan of my room, and when she saw the bandage laying on the floor and my unbound chest her eyes grew wide.

We sat together on my bed and talked for what must have been hours about what happened that day. I finally admitted to her how I felt about John, and all she did was nod, like she already knew. She giggled with me as I described to her how he looked after the workout that counseling had given him, and it felt like we had grown even closer than ever.

I wasn't all that big in the chest department, and most of the irritation had gone away within a couple of hours of removing my bindings from my breasts, but I vowed that day that I would never strap myself down like that again. In a way, it made me feel like I was trying to be a fake person, hiding part of myself like that, and I hated hiding myself. I had to do it too much already.

After some discussion Ashley decided that I would probably be okay just wearing a sports bra. "Your breasts shouldn't be too noticeable in one," she told me, so I let her bring one of her old ones over for me to try on. It was a lot stronger than the built-in bras in the yoga tanks I usually wore when it was just the two of us, but it did the trick of flattening my chest almost as well as the bandages had. It was also much more comfortable, but I was worried it would show through my clothes. I pulled a regular tank over the top, then my jersey again, and that seemed to hide it well enough, but I would have to be careful in anyone touched my back or squeezed me.

Dinner with Mom and Dad that night was kinda strained for me, and I made my excuses pretty quickly before heading off for bed. I kept thinking about things, and the more I thought the more worried I became. Everything up to now had almost felt like a game, with John, the letters, even the BC pills being something I should have been able to just quit at any time. I was only just coming to realize that I had passed the point of no return a long time ago, and never even noticed.How can I keep hiding my body? How can I return to school? I haven't really kept up with any of my friends this summer, and a lot of our other classmates are a lot more observant than John. Maybe they'll be willing to ignore my appearance, or at least not mention it so they won't upset me, but there’ll be someone who will say something, and what will I do then?

School would start the second week of September, which left me with just over a month to decide what I wanted to do with my life.

And I had absolutely no idea where to start.

I glanced up from my book to find my vision filled by a woman with frizzy red hair, carrying a baby with matching locks, and dragging a small boy with an ice cream cone behind her.

I bit my lip as I searched my memory for her name. "Babs?"

"Yup! You're Dawn, right?"

I nodded a little nervously. I was in boy mode, for cryin' out loud! I'd taken my hat off because it was just too hot with my hair piled up on my head, but I hadn't thought that would be enough to tip the scales from boy to girl. Of all the parks I could have gone to in the city, I had to choose this one? What can I say, I'm a sucker for the ducks.

Then I heard Stephie giggle, and all my worries about boy or girl mode vanished. I hadn't forgotten one precious second of the time I had spent holding her, and almost automatically I closed my book and held out my arms towards her. Babs smiled at me as she leaned down and handed Stephie to me, now much bigger than she had been the last time. Almost immediately she grabbed onto my shirt and held on tightly, with her little, bright, baby face glowing happily.

"She's been crawling around a bit and can say 'mama' now. The doctors say she's maturing well. Can you say 'mama', sweetie?"

Stephie laughed and threw her arms up, grabbing my hair and pulling a handful into her mouth rather than answering her mom's question.

"We were actually just about to leave, Brian got hit by a dirt clod another little boy had thrown at him, so I decided play time was over." She looked down at the messy, little boy beside her, covered in equal parts dirt and ice cream, and sighed as she pulled a napkin out of her purse and started rubbing at his face. The look he gave her was less than amused.

"Would you like to carry Stephanie to the car for me?"

I was more than happy to hold her for a while longer, so I lifted her up on my shoulder as I stood. We chatted a bit as I followed Babs to her old Civic, and I strapped Stephie into her child's seat while Babs put Brian in the booster seat on the other side. I was just about to say goodbye and get back to my book when she stopped me and gave me a piece of paper. Looking down, I saw her number written on it.

"If you ever feel like doing some babysitting give me a call. Stephie usually cries if anybody other than me picks her up or holds her, but she likes you."

I thanked her and stood by watching as they pulled away. I pocketed the number, and decided to stop reading. Instead I started on my own way home. It had been a week since the day out with John, and I still needed to think hard about what I wanted to do.

My mom and dad, school, even my relationship with John were all really scary things to have to think about, but meeting up with Babs in the park had forced me to have to face facts. Just that week I had had another minor growth spurt, and now I was firmly in the "B" cup range, and on the high side at that. If I grew any more I'd have no choice but to start wrapping again -- either that, or admit to everyone I knew that I had boobs. They already showed a little even with a sports bra and a baggy tee, and I had spent too much of the past week hunched over trying to make them less obvious. Then one time I didn't try that, I was seen as a girl. If Bab's reaction was normal, then I was officially past the point of being able to fake being a boy without having to really work at it.

I looked down at myself, trying to see what exactly made Babs see me as a girl. My white tee shirt and khaki cargo shorts were pretty unisex. Was it my shaved legs? I was bent over, so my boobs shouldn't have shown through... but my bra did. How had I missed that when leaving the house? Oh, well, it wasn't important any more. I doubted anybody who saw me saw anything other than a girl. Come to think of it, I'd probably get more strange looks if I didn't wear one. I grinned at that, and suddenly knew what I was gonna do.

As soon as I got home, I dashed for my room and yanked open the secret panel in my closet. I took off my tee and bra, and pulled on a black, spaghetti-strapped tank with a bra built in. I removed my cargo shorts, and replaced them with a pair of super-short jean shorts I had bought. They were too tight and short to be able to pass as boy's shorts, but they definitely looked good on me combined with my girl's curves. I studied myself for a moment in the mirror. My legs were still smooth from shaving two days before, and I looked nicely relaxed in the casual summery clothes. Using my brush and a hair tie I had borrowed from Ashley a while back I pulled my hair into a quick and dirty ponytail. It was still a bit too short to all be held at the point I had tied it, leaving some long sections hanging down to either side of my face.

I looked in the mirror again, and I had to fight not to laugh. Give me some hiking boots and a pair of pistols and I'd look like a teenage version of Lara Croft. I posed with my hands on my hips and smiled. Now all I had to do was wait until Ashley and Mom got back from their shopping trip, and the big reveal would begin.

It wasn't even an hour later that the sound of Mom's car in the driveway told me it was show time. I checked myself in the mirror one last time, and on impulse dug out my lip gloss. I added a quick swipe before steadying myself and leaving my room.

I reached the bottom of the stairs just as the front door opened and Ashley walked in, carrying several bags of school clothes. She did a small double take, then smiled as she stepped in. I saw her open her mouth a couple of times, as though she wanted to say something, but Mom entered behind her and beat her to it.

"Come on, Ashley, we've got lots to..." Mom's voice trailed off as she stared at me, but after blinking and shaking her head she quickly continued, "...lots to bring in. Dawn, would you please put on your sandals and help us get these bags in?"

Huh? Wait... That's it?

"Well?"

I tried to reboot my brain by giving my head a quick shake, then nodded. "Uh, y-eah. One sec."

"Good girl, start with the trunk."

Oh-kay, I'm pretty sure this can't get any weirder. No questions? No yelling? What the heck?

"Come on, missy, get a move on!"

In a bit of a daze, I grabbed my flip flops from beside the door and followed her out to the car, with Ashley right behind me. Before too long we had all the bags inside and the groceries put away. There was still a huge pile of bags sitting in the living room floor, but before we began sorting through them I just had to know what was going on.

"Uhm, Mom?"

She had begun digging through one of the bags, but stopped and turned to face me. "Yes, Sweetie?"

I wasn't sure what to say, so somehow the first thing that came to my mind found it's way out. "Uhm... Surprise?"

At first there was nothing but silence as her eyes boggled, then I heard a snort from my left, and when I twisted around to see what it was I saw Ashley start cackling.

"HAHAhahaHA, six... six months of build up, and the best you can come up with is 'surprise?' HAHAhaha... hehehehe... heh. Whoo."

Yeah, I’m confused. "Huh?"

"Ashley!" Mom chided, "Sit down before you hurt yourself. Dawn, honey, we need to talk, but I think it should wait until your father gets home. Meanwhile, help me sort through these bags; Ashley and I got you some new clothes today. You look nice, by the way, very cute, but I think those shorts are a little too short."

I watched in an almost dreamlike state as Mom and Ashley sorted through the clothes they had brought home, showing me different things they had bought for me along with Ashley's school clothes. Jeans, tees, tanks, panties, skirts, the list went on, and there wasn't a stitch of guy's clothing there. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was going on any more. How can we afford this? Why did they buy me these clothes in the first place?

Mom emptied the last bag just as Dad slammed the front door closed. He entered the room and bent down to give her a quick kiss hello, being careful not to touch her with his grease-covered body. When he looked up and saw me I was sure he would freak out, but all he did was give a quick "Hi girls," before heading upstairs to shower without a second glance.

This has got to be the most surreal day ever.

"Girls, take your clothes up to your rooms, then come right back down here and sit on the couch. We'll talk as soon as your father finishes his shower."

I did as I was told. What else could I do? I dropped the bags of clothes down on my bed then headed back downstairs, collapsing onto the couch while still trying to wrap my head around what was happening. I'd been so scared of what my parents were going to do when they found out, especially my dad. He's a big guy, and has always been a kind of "manly man," if you know the type, and though he never tried to force me to follow in his footsteps I was sure he would freak when he saw me, not... greet me like I dressed like this every day! Well, not when he's around. So far things had gone nothing like I had been expecting.

Ashley joined me on the couch, and shortly after that we heard the shower cut off. I was shaking visibly, I'm sure of it, but Ashley reached over and took my hand to calm me. Mom and Dad returned and sat down in the two recliners to either side of the couch, both with serious expressions on their faces, but no anger or sadness.

Mom began, "Sweetie, could you tell us why you're dressed like that?"

I wasn't sure what to do, what to say, what to think. This is the talk I've been dreading for so long. I had gone over so many possibilities for it in my head, but the only thing I had never expected was everyone to sit around calmly and listen. I couldn't take it. I burst into tears.

Ashley wrapped me in her arms and hugged me tightly as I cried.

After what felt like hours I was calm enough to try and talk. Even then, though, I couldn't raise my eyes to look at either of my parents.
"Mom, Dad, I don't know how to say this, but, um... I'm a girl."

There. I've said it. No turning back now, they'll start yelling soon, and screaming, and...

"Dawn? Honey? Look at me. Please, Sweetie, look at me."

I raised my head to see my mom looking at me calmly.

"We know."

Wha? "WHA?"

Mom and Dad were... smiling at me?

Dad started talking next. "Honey, we've known about your dressing up in your mother's and sister's clothes since you were seven. At first we hoped it was just a phase, but after a few years we figured you were gonna be a cross-dresser for the rest of your life. Then, when you were eleven, we heard you crying in your sister's room."

Oh, god, I remember that night well. That was when I first told Ashley that I’m a girl. Okay, I know it sounds weird that I ran to my little sister when I wanted to cry, but we were close even back then, and I had figured that if anyone would understand me, it was her.

Mom took over from Dad. "We were worried about you, so we listened in at the doorwhile you talked to Ashley. We were shocked, and hurt, but we still loved you so much," Mom told me, her own eyes tearing up. "We would give anything for you."

"I didn't know they were listening either, Dawn, but later that week they came to me and talked to me. They asked me not to tell you they knew, because they wanted you to tell them yourself how you felt. All they asked me to do was help you figure out how you felt -- as much as I could." Ashley gripped me more tightly in our hug, and I hugged her back.

That's when Dad came over, and laid one of his large hands on my shoulder, squeezing slightly. "When I was young, my brothers and I used to dress up in your grandma's clothes once in a while, too. At first, I thought this was the same thing, but after your confession to your sister, we knew how much more it was to you."

He chuckled a little, and I could feel the rumble from behind me, the same comfortable feeling I always got when he laughed. "You know, your Uncle Chuck is going to be real jealous when he sees those pictures your sister took of you. He did drag for YEARS and I'm sure he'd have killed to be as pretty as you, but he likes being a guy too much."

Wait, Uncle Chuck? The logger in California Uncle Chuck? Things were starting to make a little more sense -- not much, but a little. "So, the birth control pills I got from Ashley..."

"We need to explain that," my mom said, looking a little embarrassed. "Those weren't actually birth control pills. The first wheel started off as something the doctor called a T-blocker, but the second half of it, and the second wheel, had more to them. We were testing to see if you really were serious about wanting to be female. Ashley told us a while back about the research the two of you had done online, so when you went in for your cross country physical we had the doctor run some tests to see what kind of dosing you would need, and let him go ahead and give you a shot of something they said would block your testosterone, too. We were going to stop after the first two months if you had seemed upset at the results, but when you went to the free clinic to get more BC pills to delay what you thought was your male puberty, we knew you wouldn't be. I'm sorry, we should have asked you, but..."

I cut her off mid sentence with a rib-crushing hug. There was something that was still bothering me about all of this, though, and I had to know.
"Mom, Dad, how can we afford all this? We don't have that much money, do we?"

"The show cars I've been working on pay a lot better than most of the body and tuning work I do. That's why I've been taking so many of them lately. With the extra cash from these custom jobs, we've got enough in savings to be able to help you become who you want to be. It's still gonna be tight, but we love you, and want you to be happy."

"I'm sorry sis, I hope you can still trust me after all this." Ashley sobbed from behind me. "We did it to help you."

I felt huge tears of happiness rolling down my face. For the first time in my entire life, I was completely free to be myself. No more worrying about having to hide who I am, or running away. I could feel Dad and Ashley joining me and Mom in our hug, and I was the happiest girl in the world.

It took us the rest of the night to really get all the questions we had for each other out of the way, but in the end everything was perfect. I’m a girl, and my parents love me, and there’s nothing else I need.

Well, except for one thing.

John
~

I read the email one last time before standing up. Whoo. Okay. I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. On Ashley's suggestion I was wearing a skirt again, though unlike the skirt I had worn for that first photo this was quite short, not quite reaching my knees and in a flowery pattern, the flouncy skirt went nicely with the plain, white, low-cut, baby tee I wore. The only jewelry I had on was the friendship bracelet John had sent me from camp, and I had even done my makeup. I wanted to make as good of a second "first" impression as possible.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Mom asked as she drove me to the park across town.

I didn't hesitate in the slightest. "Yes."

There were only two possible outcomes -- John would either accept me, or he wouldn't. Either way the tide turned, I had to go through with it, though. I loved John with all my heart, and I had to know, just HAD to know, if he would still care about me once he knew the truth. Mom gently squeezed my hand as she drove, so I gave her a squeeze and a wink back in thanks.

Mom was going to wait in the car with the windows down while I met John across the park. If anything went wrong, she knew where I was meeting him, and would be there in an instant if I called for her. I had heard too many stories about meetings going wrong to not have a backup plan.

When I finally reached the spot I had asked him to meet me, the same rock where I had posed for that first picture, John was already there, holding a small bouquet of roses. I ran my fingers through my new pixie-cut one last time, and approached the swings where he stood.

Even from twenty yards away I could clearly see his face light up when John saw me approaching. He didn't wait for me to reach him, but instead started walking toward me, only to slow down and stop suddenly when we got closer to one another. His expression changed from one of happiness to confusion as he looked at me, and he saw who I was. Even under my makeup, I knew I still looked like me. That’s the point meeting him.The hormones had helped to make me prettier and more feminine, but inside and outside both I was still the same person, a person that John knew very well.

"Dawn... Don? What's going on?"

My confidence died in a second, and I couldn't look him in the face any more. "I'm sorry, John," I whispered, just knowing he was going to abandon me. "I didn't think... I really do like you a lot, and, uhm..."

"You're beautiful."

Did I hear him right? I looked up, expecting him to have been lying, waiting for me to look up so he could spit in my face, or hit me, but instead I saw him smiling.

"John, I wanted to tell you, you have no idea how much, it's been so hard not to, I..."

I never got a chance to complete my sentence as John's arms engulfed me and he pressed his lips to mine. It was a kind kiss, full of love and emotion -- the perfect first kiss. I felt his arms wrapped around my waist, and I slid mine around his neck, crying. God, I cried so much now, but I was so happy. He pulled away from me just far enough to look down and into my eyes, then lowered his lips to mine again. I stopped trying to think, I stopped trying to breathe, I stopped everything -- all I wanted was to kiss him forever and ever.

It could have been hours or seconds later, I'm not sure, but whatever it was it wasn't enough. He pulled away from me, and with a flourish presented me with the roses. I took them into my arms and stood up on my toes to give him another quick peck in thanks.

I felt so happy, but deep inside me there was a part of me that still wasn't sure, and I had to know. "John, you don't hate me for lying to you?"

He shook his head, grinning, his mop shaking from side to side. "I was confused at first, but I think I see now. You don't have to explain, and I don't think you ever lied," John told me as he took my free hand in his. "You're the girl of my dreams; and I never saw that you were right in front of me the entire time."

We embraced again, as boyfriend and girlfriend. As friends, it felt like we were saying goodbye to who we once were, but as partners -- and maybe some day lovers -- we knew we were just beginning.

NOW I’m complete. No matter what happens from then on, I know I can handle it. School, friends, family, it doesn't matter, I can deal with anything. Why? Because I have a wonderful Mom and Dad, and a brilliant little sister who love me.

And I have John.