Another piece of fiction written in the BCTS posting window by Melanie E.
A note before you read this: this story is not me railing at anyone in particular, but IS me expressing frustrations I feel at certain attitudes. Some people likely will get angry at what I say here, so if you think that person will be you, feel free to turn back now.
-==-
The group stared at me, expressions of shock, anger, and betrayal on their faces. For my part, though, I held my head high. I wouldn't back down, I wouldn't give in, and I certainly wouldn't change my mind just because they were too narrow-minded to accept me.
"What do you mean you don't want it?" Bella asked me with a snarl.
"This is the greatest gift in the world!"
"Liar! Cheat! Betrayer!"
"How could anyone refuse such an offer?"
These calls, and more, I heard from those around me. Those who, for years, had been my friends, confidants, and the people I'd thought I could be myself around more than any other group in the world.
The people, it turned out, who had never really understood me after all.
"This isn't what I wanted, Bella, and I will not do this," I said again, clearly as I could through the wailing and cries around me.
The slap was sharp and painful, but not entirely unexpected.
"You come into our group, acting as a sister, talking as a sister. You pretend to be one of us. And yet, when I offer you the chance of a lifetime, you say no?!"
"I am your sister. But I am also my own person. I've never lied to you, or any of the girls, about who, and what, I am."
"This is what we all want!" She said again, bandishing the goblet above her head with a gleam in her eyes. It was the same goblet that every other member of the group had already drank from, each one of them ecstatic with the outcome of the drought's transforming properties.
"I thought I had what I wanted. I thought I had friends who were truly seeking to be compassionate and loving to one another. Not another group who only wanted to accept those who were exactly like them."
Bella swung her hand to slap me again, but this time I stepped back out of the way of her swing.
Not a soul stepped forward to back me, though I could see the tears in the eyes of a few who heard and, too late, understood the gravity of what they had truly done.
The drought was great, to be sure. But it wasn't for everyone, and I knew all too well that it wasn't right for me. Yet too many of my sisters could only see their own needs when they looked upon me.
Were my actions a betrayal as they claimed?
No, though I could clearly see they would never understand no matter what I said.
With a heavy heart I turned my back on Bella. On the goblet that held more than just the alleviation of suffering, but the potential for so much as well when used incorrectly.
I turned my back on those who I had long thought were my allies, and walked out.
Not one asked me to stop. Not one asked my forgiveness or offered me compassion, but it was to be expected.
The goblet was everything they had ever wanted.
Me?
This isn't what I wanted. Why couldn't they accept me for who I was? Let me be myself, without criticism, without hatred, without apathy for my emotions?
They didn't understand. They never would.
The doors closed behind me.
I never looked back.
-==-
Whew! Okay, feel free to ignore what follows.
Actually, I'm seriously considering NOT posting this.
No. I'll post it.
Yes, this is sorta inspired by a comment line I'm part of on part 39 of Morpheus' Among the Val Kyr. But, in another way, it really isn't. What I'm going to say here is an issue I've seen a lot in our community, and though it only tangentially relates to the story comments, the issue is the reason I've taken the stance I have there.
So, here goes.
It doesn't get said a lot here, but the TG community, just like any other, has its problems. Some of these are due to the lack of separation between the fetish- and non-fetish elements of the community, but many of them cross the boundaries of the two, especially in terms of what we find to be positive or acceptable elements of trans fiction.
I am a girl. I am not, nor have I ever been, a boy, and I would love the opportunity to change my reality so that my physical body matched who I am. In fact, I plan to do just that as soon as I possibly can.
That doesn't mean I'm blind to the horror that such a change would be to many other people.
Within our community -- specifically the MtF trans community -- there is an underlying current of negative emotions and attitudes toward the idea of being male. This is understandable: for many of us our bodies, and even the attitudes we are expected to have and behaviors we are expected to exhibit, are hideous to our own minds. It's only natural that, given our severe closeness to the issue, we would often react in extremist ways against male ideologies or masculine tendencies.
To us, a chance to escape those expectations and limitations is a wondrous thing. Who, if they had the opportunity, wouldn't take the chance to become what we see as an ideal, a beautiful culmination of everything we've ever wanted?
Many, many people.
People who are happy with who they are. More than that, people for whom being what we desire would be just as much a punishment as we feel our current forms are.
In most TG stories, the transformation is the be-all and end-all of experiences. In our case, there's also the assumption that every cross-dresser is a woman at heart, much like we ourselves feel. Surely losing their masculine traits could be nothing but positive for any transformee, right? Surely they could, at the least, learn to love the chance to be the beautiful, delicate girl we've all dreamed of?
Just like we've all learned to love our broken, deformed bodies? Just like our minds have adapted to accept the forms we're forced into?
Being trans, in whatever way we might be, is not a bad thing in and of itself. But, neither should we wish the same experience, the same pains and frustration, on others, for any reason. Likewise, we are not all equal in our feelings or desires. To assume that every member of the community would embrace the opportunity to be our personal chosen gender is to greatly diminish the wondrous variety of people in the world.
Being a guy isn't right for everyone, no. But, neither is being a girl. Men are not perfect, no. But, neither are women. To ignore the beauty of the myriad types of people there are -- moreso, to ignore their right to be the people they want to be, just as much as we do -- is a travesty.
Not every character in trans fiction is, or needs to be, transsexual. Not every character in trans fiction is, or needs to be, trans ANYTHING. It's okay for men to be men, and to be HAPPY they're men. It's okay for a feminine boy NOT to want to be or dress like a girl.
It's alright not to embrace being trans in any way. This doesn't make people bad, or unaccepting or anything really. Well, it does make them one thing: people.
Compassion and empathy isn't about reflecting one's own feelings on others, or even embracing THEIR viewpoints, but about understanding that others don't necessarily feel the same way you do about issues, and not letting that get in the way of sisterhood (or brotherhood,) even when those differences are tremendous.
So, just because a character cross-dresses in a story doesn't mean they have to leap at the chance to become female if it's presented to them. It doesn't even mean they're a girl at heart. It could just mean they like to cross-dress. And that's fine.
Just because a character is happy being a man doesn't mean that they're anti-trans or lack understanding for those who are. Sticking such a person into a gender-swap machine will not magically turn them trans either. Well, actually, it will, but in a very, very bad way.
Even a person who IS trans will not necessarily take the chance to trade their body or life for another, "better," one, if offered, because for each of us, being part of the trans community means something different.
People are, and should be, individuals. Applying your own prejudices and emotions to everyone else limits your ability to see the beauty in who and what they truly are.
Aaand I'm getting rambly. Heck, I've been rambly since the beginning of this, and this "little note" has grown to be longer than the entire story attached to it.
I'm sorry. Ignore me, ignore my moralistic preaching and egotistical self-indulgence. I'll still post this, since someone might just get a laugh out of it, at least.
I love y'all, every last one of ya. Guy, girl, and anything in between or out past the edge, it doesn't matter.
You're all beautiful, wonderful people, and I hope some day every one of us, and the rest of the world, can see that in each other.
Comments
Glad
A 'real life' story, but I loved your "venting" afterwards.
You have put perfectly into words the very things I believe in too. We have the right to be us, whatever that might be.We are all individuals, so what is right for me may not be right for you. I can accept that without any problems.
Kudos to you Melanie.
Joanna
Couldn't Agree More
Many here have suffered at the hands of men. Many have also suffered at the hands of women.
There is no one path to happiness . . . unless it is the high road of compassion for all.
Because you're such a wonderful writer, your story said it all without the added notes, but I enjoyed reading both.
Thank you.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
“Be yourself;
… everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde
Rhona McCloud
controversy
What you have said shouldn't be controversial, just like being transgender shouldn't be.
there is no "correct" path
there is only my path, and your path. We may share the road for a while, but I might end up turning aside while you keep going straight.
you should never ask me to continue straight if I wish to turn, and I should never ask you to turn if you wish to continue straight.
Seems pretty basic "treat others like you'd like to be treated" stuff to me ...
Brava!
Too often people think their path, their desire, there needs are the only right ones. They are wrong. We have to do what's necessary to make ourselves happy and complete. And if they don't understand, it's their loss.
Fashion Beast
My blog
a Short, TRUE story for you.
During the 2 years I lived in Toronto, Ontario I met a number of tg folk, one of them jumped into my memory while reading your 'rant'.
Walking north on Church Street, just north of Wellesley ( I was going to the 519 ) I ran into a friend from the tg support group, long curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, literally the blonde bombshell, wearing a really nice dress suit and we stopped to chat for a few minutes. It was in that conversation that I found she had absolutely no interest in transitioning, living and working as a woman was enough for her. Her wife was(is?) fully supportive of this.
All I could say in response, "that is a shame, you are gorgeous and transition would finish your appearance. I need to transition myself."
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
Yup.
Yup.
I've had male body for 60 years now. I'm kinda used to it. And while I'd dearly love to be able to pass better, I'd be more interested in getting rid of the "habits" that got trained into me over the decades.
If I could have a "female" body and "had" to keep my male genitals, I'd be okay with that.
I'm one of the ones who is/was more interested in being "socially" female than anatomically female.
Mind you, if that magic wand was available and I could "try out" a female body for a while I would. But I wouldn't want to chance it without a "trial" first.
Some would cry "Heretic!" at this. But It's my life, my body.
Brooke brooke at shadowgard dot com
http://brooke.shadowgard.com/
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
"Lola", the Kinks
What Ifs - You Can Never Go Back
Your future starts now. At what point in my life would I have take the chalice and downed that draught? I think I might have done it when I was In my late teens or early twenties. That would have given me the opportunity to forge a life that went in a different direction from what I did turn to. My life was aimless. I had no inner direction. The military helped, I found the love of my life, I got an advanced degree and have had a moderately successful post military career. We have two wonderful grandchildren. We are secure. I've had prostate cancer and as a result am incontinent, but other than that am reasonably healthy.
The possibility of a complete transition, never really out there, went away with the results of the surgery. Do I want to be a cross dresser in my dotage? That would be most unsatisfying, even though I have deliberately grown a nice pair of breasts over the years. I would never pass and would be a laughing stock. I'm too thin skinned to handle that. If it weren't for the family, I guess I could go to some remote location and live out what remains of my life in solitude. That's still an option, but not while my wife is alive.
Turning back the clock, which as far as I know is not possible, could lead to some interesting possibilities. Physical transitioning in the early 60s was not nearly as artful as it is now. Suppose I'd had the wherewithal to complete my transition? I would have been mostly ostracized by my right of Attila the Hun family, with the exception of my sister. I had no skills and wouldn't have had the military to straighten me out. I probably would have my degree in Fisheries Biology but would have ended up raising tropical fish. The fisheries business had little room for a post op biologist. I knew one female in the program at that time, and I often wonder how she did. The fact that I probably would have been a lesbian would have just made it that more difficult.
Suppose I had been offered that draught when I was 22, and I became the beautiful young woman I coveted. I would have been in the same boat. It all goes back to my mind. I would still be the same person, incompetent and not ready for the world, and I would be a, probably in the closet, lesbian facing an unknown future. I could have joined the military, though. That might have worked. I've known a number of lesbians when I was in the military, and those that were not outed, or did not out themselves had good careers. That choice might have worked. Of course, my children and grandchildren would never have existed. Do I have the right to terminate their existence because of my selfish desires? I couldn't live with that.
My future starts right now. I can directly affect much of its outcome, but I can't change the past as much as I wish I could change some things about it.
Melanie, I applaud your story and your rant that follows. You gave us a lot of food for thought.
Portia
Melanie!
I agree with you completely. There are so many stories, most of which probably shouldn't be considered as serious, where, for some pressing reason a boy or man has to appear to be a girl, etc. and pass completely because someone's life depends on it. Since this male was not TG at all before this crisis, RW, he wouldn't quickly or gradually become TG/TS. He would, probably, have some gender dysphoria from looking like and being treated as a female.
I always wonder or worry about gender dysphoria in any cross-living or transformed character because, for me, being which ever sex is not the problem, it's the GID that causes the pain.
I don't want to be gender binary either. If a 'she-male' or gender queer persyn is happy as E is, then it is no gift to change er to any other sexual configuration against er will.
One other thing to consider is that these stories are nearly all fiction and many are fantasy. Characters don't always have to have the mental make-up of real people. If someone not trans gets a sex change, maybe just trying to 'get used to it' is good enough for the character to avoid GID.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
My view
Well, you know what that is! I try to write people, not scapegoats.
Well! If this hasn't been a surprise!
I'm really amazed at the response this has gotten. I don't think I've ever had anything gather so many comments and kudos so fast! Thanks peeps!
I'm also really glad that so many people do understand where I was coming from with this. I know being part of the T-spectrum is hard, for all of us, and because of that we can all be blind at times to what certain elements of our culture we all typically accept actually imply.
Thanks again, everyone. You're all the best.
Melanie E.
Uber Kudos
Hi Melanie, I am not very active in writing comments as I do not think I am good critic just because I am not a good writer, that does not mean I do not enjoy thoroughly all the stories and tales written and offer in here.
Every now and then though, a piece is so intelligent, so well written and so clearly stated that I am compelled to stand up, take my hat off and bow in respect for the author, in this case You.
Thank you
Izaskun
Well said!
My transition was delayed for decades, while I focused on how awful being raised and socialized male was (and is - really is). It took a long time to realize, with the help of getting to know transmen, that being male is not bad if you are male. Societies ideas of what that means are a different issue. My problem is I am not male. I do not expect or push anyone else to hate maleness, but I personally want nothing to do with it, my XY chromosomes notwithstanding. Nevertheless, I really appreciate your statement of the need to appreciate and support our differences.
My feeling...
In a nutshell, I like my sex life just as it is, but there are some modifications to my body, I'd make if it were within my budget and could get the wife to sign on to the whole thing.
First: No change to the genitals. Every thing is up to par and working just fine. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Second: A modest B cup bust line would be great. Enough to show some cleavage if I were so inclined, but not enough for some guy to think, "Great rack."
Third: Then some softening of the angles of my face and beard removal. (I really hate shaving... my face that is, I don't mind the legs and pits.)
Fourth: A bit harder to achieve, but some widening of the hips.
Oh, I don't know just where to put it on the list, but if there was a way to reverse my thinning hair... it's getting harder and harder to make it look feminine with the receding hairline and thinning at the crown.
So that would be my perfect world. Feminine appearance; Masculine sex life.
Full transition??? No Way! I'd lose my favorite part of my anatomy.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
Hazing
Seeing this made me just think "How can this be thought, this is clearly just an outright case of bullying. People keep talking about being against it in any situation."
Then I remembered that words only matter when they're convenient to the speaker.
And that people are hypocrites even in the context they use.
This is horrible (the act, not the writing) and yet I can see this happening verbatim.
I could see some money grub- er, "news program" talk about this as though the victim were some sort of villain in the matter.
And it's not a fun thought.
Been there, done that
I totally relate to your story and your blog.
When I lived in the Washington, DC area I was a member of TGEA - TransGender Education Association. We were a support group of all sorts of trans folks: mtf, ftm, cd, etc. And there was no pressures to be more than who we stated we were. I loved the group.
I was invited to attend a meeting of a different organization. I attended and was made very uncomfortable. I am simply a crossdresser. Everyone at the meeting was in the process of transitioning and we were asked point blank when we started hormones, or when we planned to start. Not if, but when. I would not give them the answer they wanted to hear so I was basically ignored for the rest of the session. Obviously I never went back.
I have struggled with the issue of transitioning, but with counseling have come to the conclusion that I am a man who has the need to crossdress. I have come out to all of my family and have lost a wife and a daughter due to their disgust.
There are so many issues involved with transitioning that each of us has to come to grips with. If we lived in a vacuum many of the issues would not exist: family, work, etc. But the need to transition has to be weighed against the realities of life - are we willing to lose everything we have to be the person we feel we are? Each of us has to make our own decisions. Some are unable or unwilling to give up everything.
Danielle True
There are many
There are many who for medical reasons will never be able to complete their journey to where they wanted to be. They have to live within this limitation and make the best of things. There are some who will never manage to save up the money for surgery and can barely afford their blockers and hormones and still keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs.
This is the reality of the real world.
Oh, yes--I realize...
...that not every feminine boy wants to be female--there would be no effeminate gay males were that the case. But I don't think I could comfortably write about such a person.
It's an intriguing premise, though: imagine a family is supportive, but it's the wrong kind of "support", since they think he's one thing and pushing him in that direction, while he believes himself to be something quite different. That can be worse than no support at all.
But again, I couldn't write it. In fact, it would probably upset me. Since my stories are primarily wish-fulfillment fantasies, I couldn't very well write about a person who is something I don't aspire to be.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Indeed
I have just published 'Sweat and Tears' in which someone makes those decisions for a slightly-built boy. Said decision maker is one of the most warped people I have ever written.
you're not kidding, Stef
that man was a monster of the first order. Too bad there were many like him in real life ...
You've made some good points
And I agree. While most of my stories have a M-to-F slant, I hope I've never come across as being "anti-man." Like has already been said, there are good and bad men in this world, and good and bad women. We should never be ashamed of who we are, trans or not., male or female.
Yes. Thank you, Melanie..
From Kinsey to Masters & Johnson, up to the present day, every kind of scientific study says that among MtF crossdressers, the overwhelming, vast majority are hetero, have no gender dysphoria or longing to become female, nor are "really" women inside, and are just as psychologically healthy as the general population. We just need/like to crossdress and get pleasure from (sometimes sexualized) fantasies associated with that. There are countless varieties of psychological/biological natures under the T* label, including TS and all the rest. And there is room for all of us in the Big Closet, to be friends and happy. A family.
Too true.
Case in point, some of us are willing to sacrifice our families to be true to ourselves while others of us choose to stay "in the closet" because of the risk of losing them.
Some of us have come to hate organized religion due to oppression while others of us have found comfort and sustenance in it.
Some of us like Trump others like Hilary. Some like neither.
GLBT folk should understand that everyone is different in their own way, and respect others' differences the way that they would like to be treated. Commune with others founded from social oppression should be able to transcend petty differences.
Precisely
Well said, even among its own the community would rather fight and splinter instead of standing together.
Claire Stafford
This isn't what I wanted
Alas, the price of individuality can run high, too high for many to willingly pay, but they too have the right to decide for themselves without derision just how much they are willing to pay, and that decision has its price too.
Regards,
Eolwaen
Eolwaen
TG Support Group
Oh this is so relevant. In Amarillo the counselor asked me if I belonged to a Trans Support Group. "I tried but we really had nothing in common besides we were trans. That didn't interest me." I'm me, not them, no disrespect meant, I have a life, a darn busy one. I try and support everyone the same, white, black, gay, les, trans, what evers. Doesn't mean I want to socialize with everyone I meet.
For everyone's info, there are some really beautiful, heterosexual people who visit BCTS. Their interest is across the spectrum, curious, educational, like reading the blogs, stories, etc., maybe just a tad fascinated finding we are NOT the abomination the MSM makes us out to be. Truth be told, name every spectrum of the different attitudes, mental abilities, body shapes, interests, etc. and that's us, just like everyone else in the world. We may be the smallest class of people, (I hate that definition as it separates us from everyone else) but what we are is the same mix, same broad spectrum of wants, love, hope, fear, and everything else found in the human population. We are also uniquely individuals the same as the general population which most don't understand as most try and pigeon hole all of us as "ONE". IE if one trans commits a crime or tries suicide, every trans is a criminal and suicidal. Sorry, it's how most of the rest of the population perceive us. Sadly, many in the trans community follow that same faulty logic. We should all wear dresses if we are trans female. Nope, sorry, like any other female, I wear jeans mostly, dresses are for when I feel like going out or I can steal one from Bru, Nuuan, or Daphne. A dress isn't going to make me any more female than any GG. Pants don't turn girls into guys. If dresses are one's thing then go for it. Keep this in mind though. Racing stripes on a Yugo won't turn it into a racing car. It's what is between one's ears and in their heart and soul what they are not some outside cover. BUT...., I just know Bru's cobalt blue dress would turn me into..., Oh never mind.
hugs people
always,
Barb
Life is meant to be lived, not worn until it's worn out.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl