Kelly's Journey Chapter 17: Hope Renewed   By Stanman63   Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!   Synopsis: Kelly's recovery continues as she meets with psychiatrists and surgeons about her surgery to become a woman. In the process, she discovers a vital Truth about her Love for Johnny and why she despaired.

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Then after hugging and kissing them 'goodbye', after the meeting, I went to bed and dedicated several hours to my own brand of therapy. I had often in the past had let physical exhaustion clear my mind so that I could more readily deal with anything.

Well, I exhausted myself in performing the exercise routines that I had been neglecting in the week long enforced bed rest caused by the mini-coma. I woke up the next morning, stinky, sore and tired, but a pain pill eased my aching muscles so that I could clean up and tackle the equipment again.

I threw myself into the exercises in an effort to keep from thinking about myself. I still felt empty and weak, like a drum that was being drummed by a very poor drummer who had absolutely no rhythm. I knew that I could very easily backslide and despair again, taking my life, And even worse, I feared that the next time that I'd succeed and send my family and friends into the very hell that I had come back from death to prevent.

I knew that I had been given the choice the last time, but I had no guarantee that I'd be sent back again. Beyond that, I had vowed to live for them and I have NEVER gone back on my word, no matter the cost to me. No, I would live for them and go through hell on Earth for them, even if I NEVER knew hope again.

~*~

After entering into my second set of exercises after breakfast, a stranger entered my room and sat down, waiting for me to respond. She was my momma's age, with honey blond curly hair, making her look like Shirley Temple. She was wearing a multi-colored skirted leotard and beige tights with pink ballet slippers compared to my skin tone sports bra with matching briefs over tan hose. My ballet slippers were white.

I looked at her and held out both of my hands, "Hello, sorry about the mess Ma'am, but as you can see, I am exercising," I smirked, ['Wonder if she wants to join me in the fun?'] Even after all this time, I was being the perfect hostess, that training was too well ingrained.

She got up and sat by me where I was laying after finishing with my 'bicycle' exercise, "Hello, my name is Terri Anne Volkirch. I am a psychiatrist assigned to your case. I heard that you were working up a sweat, so I thought that I'd join you," she smiled. ['She shows all of the signs of running from a problem, will she open up? Or must I dig deep into her psyche?']

"Thanks! Let me guess, you're here because of my attempted suicide. Although I was expecting for you to be dressed like the others," I sighed. ["I must be strong or I will despair, even now.']

She smiled at my rancor, "Yes, that's why I'm here. But since you're getting into exercising, I thought that I'd kill two birds with one stone. You see, I too need to exercise," ['Let's see if her sense of humor is intact now.']

"Two birds huh? You mean you and me? Because I can guarantee you that even with me being out of shape, that if you exercise with me that you'll want to kill me to stop the torture, Only Julie or Johnny could really match me before," I giggled. ['Those were fun times, before the game, before the passion.']

She looked very thoughtful, "Actually, that's pretty close to what I have in mind. I want to gauge your competitive spirit to see if you're ready for sports again." ['If she has the spirit, hopefully I can get her to channel it into wanting to live. She is still way to close the edge of despair. I can read it in her eyes. Her mother is right, Kelly's eyes are a window to her soul. May I give her the strength to continue to fight,']

Then I jumped up with a grin, "Well then, let's see just how much we're both in shape. Because I can tell you truthfully that I am far from my peak condition. I guess that you know that to dare me to do anything is to get my blood flowing," ['Working with her will help me to better gauge my own abilities.']

I saw her evilly grin, "I just might have somebody here to push me to go beyond MY limits." ['Never have I seen such a competitive yet easy going innocent spirit. I want to see her healed.']

So we both pushed ourselves to go beyond what we believed was our best. By the time that we ended our routine, we were both exhausted and stinky. We fell asleep, only to be awakened by Nurse Holly as she came to take my 11: o'clock vitals reading. I know that I sound archaic, but reading those old novels does that to you.

~*~

Nurse Holly entered wearing her classic whites dress, she was quite young and loved showing off her trim figure in form-fitting clothes that allowed her to show off her legs. She had been a cheerleader in school and even now, dedicated an hour a week to maintaining her figure. She had graduated years ago and was happily married to her husband Richard Hart who was the heir of the Happy Hart Corporation that had bankrolled most of the local business enterprises in the area.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Wake up Princess. Time to take your readings and blood. Then you can shower and change clothes while your bedding is refreshed." ['She looks so peaceful there. Hard to imagine her committing suicide. but she most definitely needs to take a bath, SHE REEKS!']

I groaned as I felt my body's pain and stiffness,"Ooooh! Please Nurse Holly, be a Saint and put me out of my suffering! Why did I ever agree to this stupidity? No, don't tell me. It was me and my ego." ['I've NEVER felt THIS bad before!!']

I heard another groan beside me,"OoOoo! I agree! Did anybody get the name of that Mack Truck that ran over me? What I do for my patients SHOULD grant me a Knighthood if I was British," she joked. ['Well, my grandparents are from England and I do have dual citizenship.']

Nurse Holly giggled, "OK you two, enough with the theatrics. The nurses bet on what would happen when you two competed, I won." ['I knew from her friends that Kelly would compete, but NOT the doc, good thing I guessed right.']

Terri Anne sighed, "Well, I'm glad that you won, but we're both suffering, do we get relief?" ['DAMN! I am NOT at my best right now.']

"Nurse, I pushed myself because I've NOT been able to exercise as I am use to doing. Normally, the workout would've been followed by a good soak in a hot tub, spa, or massage. Is there a spa here?" ['I forgot to ask before, and it's a good thing that I've got that massaging recliner from home.']

"Yes, there's a whirlpool spa here in the gymnasium and in the Therapy section as well. You can go there AFTER I've given you your medicines and take some blood," She immediately produced the vials and my pills with a mischievous grin. ['She HATES it whenever we draw blood, calling us vampires.]

"OK, what about me? Do I get any relief?" ['Why must I ask again I wonder? Is she being purposefully dense?']

Nurse Holly reached and helped her up, "Yes doctor, it's just that it's so very seldom that we see a shrink gotten the better of by a patient. Please let me wheel you down to the spa," she smirked. ['At least she has a sense of humor.']

"Well, considering the patient here, no doubt," Terri added as she stretched.

Then Nurse Holly came over and got ready to draw even more blood, "What are you getting blood for now?" I visibly cringed. ['If they keep on, I won't be able to donate for a year!']

"Well, since you want to transition, we need to make sure about your health. It wouldn't do to have you on the table only to have to remove some cancer." ['I've seen it happen before, and it ain't pretty.']

I started thinking about all of the things that could go wrong. I had to watch as a fellow student Maggie Sharp had succumbed to leukemia and visibly wither way. she was my age and only after she was buried did I learn from her parents that she was in transition. She had taken drugs that had caused her liver to shut down and allowed for the leukemia that was dormant to ravage her body.

I felt an encouraging arm on my shoulder, "You look as if you were reliving a bad memory there want to tell me about it?" ['Whatever it is has her scared to death.']

Then I held out my arm so that Nurse Holly could draw blood, which she did at a nod from Terri, "Thanks, I was thinking about another girl like me who died because she took the wrong drugs that shut down her liver and let her leukemia return. [sigh] We were both cheerleaders and I learned her secret only after her death."

"Maggie Sharp?"

"The same, why?"

"She was my patient. I was hoping that the regimen of drugs would prevent her death, but she went to the internet, and did not transition under a doctors care."

~*~

I am glad to say that I am in excellent health, and according to all the tests, I am cancer free. I had to make sure that the hormones that I was taking wasn't messing me up. My testicles were atrophied and penis only a nub, but there was enough skin and tissue to create a vagina or me according to the staff. When I told them to measure Johnny to be sure, brought the house down. It seems that he had a mold made of it for the doctors, they assured me that my real vagina could handle it.

Truthfully, I wasn't interested in sex. Having to dilate my vagina would be a necessary evil in order for me to be a woman as much as possible. I knew that there were genetic women unable to give birth. Me, I wanted to be a birth mother but I knew that was out of the question.

Recently, I had been thinking about how much fun the Woods and my family had had raising me and my bestest of friends. I wanted the feel of a child in me and nursing my child from milk in my mammaries, better known as breasts. Taking the proper hormones, I could feed a newborn, but that child would not be mine. Next time that I visit Heaven, I will talk to Jesus about this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aunt Debbie thoroughly grilled me on the schoolwork for several hours. I aced every test and essays that she gave me. My only setbacks were the physical education and coordination tests. But I was given an incomplete on them because of my limitations. She knew that I was not at my best right now, so she decided to wait until I was ready.

With my grades and Aptitude Tests, I was a perfect candidate to become a counselor. Truth to tell, I felt led to becoming one because I wanted to help people, but until the tests, I didn't know which way to go.

Until then, I had always thought that I'd be a dancer or gymnast and open up a dance studio or teach in school with Debbie, but now I was feeling a far different calling equal to my love of dance and I needed to decide which calling to answer.

I was in a quandary over my vocation and couldn't decide. I had several perfectly good representatives of people that were happy doing a job that they loved, but they all had only ONE vocation, not TWO! Could I despair over my inability to choose? I did not know, nor i a way did I want to.

~*~

Aunt Debbie looked up from the essay that I had written on the Star Trek phenonenom titled 'The Triune Triumverate' where I compared the Command Crew of the Enterprise to the concept of Mind/Body/Soul unity and how when all parts work together, the person is complete, but when one part is hurting, then the rest unite to heal the broken part.

"Very well thought out Kelly. Without relying upon psychiatric teachings that'd confuse most laymen, you've provided the reader with a detailed view of the workings of the mind. Have you thought about going to college to become a counsellor?" ['She'd make a great one with her empathy and insight.']

I looked over to her, confused as to my future, "Auntie, right now, I don't know what I wanna do! I am torn between counseling others and dancing! I want to do both, but how?" I asked while breaking pencil single handed. ['Can she help me? Or am I to be forced to choose? I don't wanna choose!!.']

She came over and led me over to a mirror where I saw her in wearing a pastel tiger striped blouse tucked into a matching knee-length skirt silt to mid-thigh with red fishnet hose and heels while I wore a white shorts set with matching socks and sneakers with suntan hose. As I looked at us she actually did bunny ears behind my head, causing me to giggle.

"Kelly, what do you see in me?" ['She can't see the big picture yet, I need to help her to see that she can be both.']

I looked at both her and her mirror image, "I see a beautiful woman next to a cute girl. Why?" ['What is she wanting for me to see?']

She smiled, "Yes, but that's physical, not WHO I am," she admonished me. ['She can be SO dense at times.']

I was very puzzled. Most of the time, I could see where she was going. Had my attempted suicide made me dumber? " Then who are you?" ['Just where is she going with this?']

"I am Debbie Moore, daughter of Lizzie Jane and Joe Moore, sister of Terri Lynn Moore, Aunt to Kelly Lee Moore. I am all of those thing all the time. As for my vocation, I own/operate a specialty shop and also teach at school." ['Now maybe she will see that she can do many things.']

Then it dawned on me, "NOW I get it! I can be a counselor and still dance! I thought that I had to choose between my two loves!" I happily exclaimed. ['Why did I not see it for myself?']

I began to silently weep as another burden that had me under its bondage was lifted. Aunt Debbie held me and guide me over to a pair of chairs when my legs got weak. I now knew just how wrong I was about everybody.

My friends and family all had their primary vocation as well as their hobby or second vocation that made their lives so much fun. NOW I could and would do the same.

~*~

I had a nice supply of underoos and hose to wear from momma. She knew how much that I loved wearing them as costumes, so I'd wear them instead of those drafty hospital gowns. Oh I got me a supply of them, but they were turned into: tops, skirts, dresses, and dress shirts thanks to Granny.

As for me and my underoos, the staff started calling by the costume I wore, if spider-girl, I was Spider-Kelly. The most fun ones were those with a skirt, then I could do a proper cheer, can't really cheer without a skirt in my book.

~*~

While there, I met the psychologist Nora Adrienne Doret. She is as big as Johnny, yet as feminine as Aunt Debbie. When we met, I knew that I could trust her. She was wearing a red skirt suit with white blouse and hose. her low heels were red as well as her bloomer which I could see when she sat down. I was wearing my Spider-Kelly costume.

"Welcome to my office Kelly, I am Nora," she said as she proffered her hand. ['Even knowing her records, I see nothing of a man in her.']

I shook her hand and smiled, "Thanks Nora, but why not 'Spider-Kelly like the staff?" ['Maybe I'm wrong to ask a shrink.']

Then she sat down on her desk and I saw her bloomers, "Because I don't want to put any labels on you, although, from your records, you could be 'Spider-Kelly," she grinned. ['She is a real charmer and heart breaker.']

I blushed when I saw her bloomers, "Uh ma'am, uh, you need to uh, close your legs please." ['She acts like a guy dressing like a woman.']

She smiled as if she had caught me in the act, "And why is that Kelly, pray tell." ['Why is the patient blushing?']

I pointed towards her crotch, "I can see your bloomers ma'am. You need either a longer skirt or pants unless you like showing off." ['DAMN!! I sound just like momma when she would get onto me about showing mine.']

She actually blushed as she got up and sat primly in a lounge chair and motioned for me to sit in the one by it, "Touche Kelly, at times I forget that I am wearing a skirt or a dress," she grinned. ['Should have remembered that.']

I shook my head in amazement, "Why would you forget? are you not a woman like me?" ['I hope that she won't call me on my lie.']

She sat back and steepled her fingers over her breasts, "Exactly, like you, I was born a male, but I am now a woman." ['Let's see hoe she reacts to that bit of information.']

I sat forward in amazement, "AMAZING. I would never have guessed. You look so natural," I whispered. ['I wonder, could that be me in time? Do I have that natural ability that she has?']

She poured me an excellent cup of herbal tea and passed the cup and saucer to me, then poured herself one, "Yes, I am a post-op transsexual woman," she sighed. ['Even today, I find it a burden to tell my patients, but somehow, Kelly makes it easier on me.']

I sipped my tea, then finding it delicious, drained it, much to her delight, "Please tell me about it
ma'am. I need to know," I pleaded. ['Did she despair like I did of life? Are there others that haven't despaired?']

She poured me another cup and passed it to me with scrumptious peanut butter oatmeal raisin cookies from one of Granny's tins, "I grew up as a petite boy that found wearing my older sister's castoffs fun. At first, it was her shirts, shorts and pants, but all too soon I went for he intimates." ['Later I'll show Kelly pictures of me growing up as a girl.']

I munched on a cookie and visibly put them down much to her delight when I pointed to my waist, "Much the same with me, but you're a big girl, did you go through a girl's or a boy's puberty?" ['I can't see a hint of boy in her at all.']

"Luckily for me, I was able to go through a girl's thanks to an accident," she grinned. ['One that I am glad that happened too.']

I visibly winced at the thought, even though I knew that surgery would remove m boy bits, the idea of being aware was gross, "What happened?" ['Come on girl, you can take it.']

"I was hit by an arrow when I was at a "Robin Hood" Extravaganza set up by the Town And Gown Theater to showcase their production of The Adventures Of Robin Hood, I was a stage hand dressed in green tights and tunic, really my Peter Pan costume from the last production," she sighed. [''Ruined my tights too, at least I could wear them as Green Arrow.']

I pointedly took ONE cookie and munched it as I drank my tea which she graciously refilled, "Was it backstage? If not, would have made quite a show," I smirked. ['DAMN, Why am I poking fun at her?']

She smiled at my sense of humor, ['I can see that this scamp has a well developed sense of the ridiculous.'] "No, it was on stage, unfortunately, somebody backstage got carried away with a bow and arrow and shot it off and hit me. I at least had a one of a kind death scene," she giggled'

"What about the stagehand? What happened to to them?"

"The stagehand was fired from the theater, but he soon became my best friend. We married after we graduated and I am happy to be Montgomery Scott Doret's wife," she smiled. ['I doubt that anybody has MY story.']

~*~

Nora and I became fast friends and she helped me to see myself as more than Kelly. I came to realize why I was so infatuated with Johnny that I had sex with him at the drop of a hat and why that also led me to despair of life when he rejected me.

Johnny had become my surrogate daddy. Like most any daughter, I wanted to marry my dad or father figure, the fact that Johnny was my age made it better and him being my best friend sweetened the deal. In my mind, I was actually making love to my daddy. And when Johnny rejected me AFTER I had given myself to him as a woman, it was as if my daddy had done it.

When I learned that, I was appalled! I couldn't believe that I suffered from the Oedipus Complex like that.I know that I love my daddy, but the very idea of having wanton sex with him made me sick at my stomach, so sick that I went into a hysterical coma until I could come to grips with it and face that part of me.

~*~

I saw my daddy sitting on a cuddly bear very much like Ben from grizzly Adams, and he was dressed like Mad Jack with old Number Seven nearby, "Hello Kelly, Are you OK?"

I stood there, amazed at this display of T.V. characters. Grizzly Adams was one of my favorite
shows along with all of those Westerns that I'd watched on weekday afternoons after school and homework thanks o my extensive video library that easily fills several trunks.

"Daddy, why are you Mad Jack with Ben and Number Seven by you? Have you been watching Grizzly Adams?"

"Well my daughter, they represent your strength and steadfastness. Ben your strength and Number Seven your steadfastness."

"Oh, I thought Ben represented my cute, cuddly side and Number Seven my mean streak," I smirked.

"That too Kelly, that too, now want to sit in my lap as you like to do? That is one thing that I cherish about your visits."

"I am afraid to daddy, afraid that it is not right because I am now a grown up and no longer a child," I wept.

He lifted me up into his lap, I wanted to protest, but I felt a strong assurance, "Because of that report from Nora."

"Yes, [sniff, sniff] I don't want to commit incest daddy, [sniff,sniff] but I did with Johnny as I thought of you."

Then I heard Ben, "Ah, but you didn't, no matter what she says."

"Then why does the report say so?"

Then Number Seven spoke, "In Johnny, you see the qualities that you see in your father. You don't want him, rather you want one with qualities that you see in your father."

"And that is why I despaired of life when Johnny rejected me?"

Daddy said, "Yes, and why you sought me out rather than the LORD. You needed me and you knew that Jesus would be here for you."

"OK then, which one is Jesus and which one is the Holy Spirit. because I don't feel as if I am divided," I smirked.

"Neither are Me nor the Spirit. Micheal is Ben, and Gabriel is Number Seven," grinned Jesus as He appeared before me.

"JESUS! MY LORD!" I exclaimed as Micheal, Gabriel and daddy assumed their regular forms.

"Yes my child, you needed confirmation of your True Self from an attack upon your Spirit."

"Jesus, I know that I was wrong to have sex with Johnny before marriage, but am I wrong to want to be a girl when I was born a boy."

Then Jesus swept me into his arms, Why do you ask my child? Have I ever said anything to make you doubt my Love for you?"

I sighed, No Lord Jesus. But there are those below like Linden who SAY that they know You, yet spew hate."

Kelly, not all who say that they know Me know Me. It is sad that are not seen as the hypocrites that they are."

"But what about me Lord?"

"What about you Kelly?"

Am I an abomination as Linden says I am?"

Then I heard my Lord weeping, "Kelly, you are no abomination. It is against such mutilating of My Word that I grieve."

Here I am in Heaven, causing My Savior to cry! WHAT A DOWNER! Now I truly wished that I'd NEVER been born.

"Jesus, could You redo time so that I was never born? I NEVER wanted to make You cry!!"

Then his tears of grief became of JOY, "Oh Kelly, even as broken as you are now, your innocence stays as pure as the driven snow. Against such no evil can stand. If all of my children could but sample a moment of your innocence, they would all strive to stay innocent."

"Well, I don't feel innocent. I feel all empty inside," I sighed.

"My child, like the song "The Rose", you are going through a most bleak winter. You have been hurt and afraid to love. You have been wondering if you will ever love again."

I began to cry as my heart wept bitter tears of regret, regret that I was still barren of love, "Yes My Lord. How many tears must I shed until I cry with Joy?"

"Soon my child, your heart will soon be ready to love again."

~*~

When I awoke, I looked up and saw Sarah Lynn Morgan walking towards me with a jewelry box in her hand. I was once again in my bed with monitors about me to track my vitals. In the room, asleep was Nora. I knew that she had stayed there because of me.

She smiled when she saw that I was awake, "Welcome back to the Land of the Living. You had us worried there for a bit." ['She is a trooper! But will the next setback be too much for her? Can I make up for my earlier actions?']

"Thanks Sarah, What Nora said threw me for a loop. In fact, I half expected for you to be her." ['But why is she here?']

Then she handed me the box, "Please accept this as my way of apologizing for my attitude when you were being admitted. I was truly afraid for myself, not the hospital. I should have NEVER been afraid, but fear and doubt blinded me," she sighed. ['Kelly is much stronger than I am.']

I opened the box and saw a RED four leaf clover pendant with a fine gold chain and matching brooch, lapel pin, and earrings," Sarah, you didn't have to do this. You were simply protecting the hospital from Linden's evil. That' why I agreed to the press conference." ['Although, she was fidgeting a bit there. I took it to be her natural way to work, not being scared. Gues my ability to read others is zilch right now.']

"I was born Terrence Andrew Naut after my father who died before I was born. My mother was a dress shop owner. I grew up finding that I liked wearing dresses and hose. Thanks to taking my mom's pills, I went through a girl's puberty and transitioned when the doctors saw that my boy bits were cancerous," she sighed as she sat. ['Of everybody here, only she can understand.']

"I bet that when your mom found out that you were a daughter instead of a son, she had a fit," I giggled. ['I know that MY mom would have under the same circumstances.']

"Well, actually, she loved having a daughter. You see, I made a right cute girl and could wear a bikini or swimsuit with no bulge even before the operation by wearing a gaffe," she smiled. ['Too bad mine didn't look as good as hers do.']

"OK, but what does THIS have to do with me?" ['Is she related to Linden?']

"Well. Linden was my pastor at the time. He badgered me about letting medicine and cancer rob me of my manhood. He was appalled to find that the girl that he has tried to seduce was me. That pervert really wanted to deflower me until he found out that I HAD no flower, uh so to speak," she giggled. ['The look on his face PRICELESS!']

"And if he associated your name with your past, he could cause you some harm, Right?" ['Will his evil now end?']

"Right! But when you decided to fight, I couldn't and wouldn't let him win. YOU had stood up to him and won, NO it was my turn."

I clasped her hand, "Together, let's resolve to put fear behind us and lie in the Light."

"Yes, let's do that." she agreed.

She then helped me to don the jewelry and smiled when I was adorned with her gift. I looked like a Regal Queen with my jewelry and was very appropriate for me too. I am Irish on my momma's side. That's where my green eyes and red hair come from. Heck, about the only thing physical about me from my dad is dark complexion from his Native American heritage and my almond shaped eyes.

Looking closer, I saw that in each clover leaf was etched a rose, "Terri, did you know about how much the Rose means to me?" I asked as tears flowed down my face.

"Yes, I heard from your Aunt Debbie when she filled out a few forms after the press conference how you were a Rose, and how this was your bitter winter. The clover leaf is your heritage, its redness is the life you live while the rose in each leaf is yo," she announced as she wiped away my tears. ['Now I see the rose in her, may it soon bloom into a spring of hope.']

Then I knew that my being here had helped to heal Terri of a pain long past. I could easily be her in the future. I was being shown the pitfalls that I could fall inn so that I could avoid them and help others to overcome. Even though I was not yet completely healed, I felt better, as if the first rays of Spring were thawing out the bitter cold ground of my Winter to release my Rose.