Kelly's Journey Chapter 14: Despair   By Stanman63   Edited By Nora Adrienne with Special Thanks To Terry Naut and to Heather Rose Brown for the Illustration!   Synopsis: As Kelly grows into her womanhood, all seems to be going well, but a tragic encounter with Johnny kills her spirit, leaving her in despair.

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I found that learning how to walk with the breast forms glued on and gaffe was the hardest. I was not used to the weight upon my chest and I was missing my boy bits, but I was soon used to them.

"Aunt Debbie, I'm bone tired. May I rest for awhile?"

"Well, you have learned proper balance, grace and poise, so you can take a break this weekend. We won't continue till Monday evening."

"Thanks Auntie, but why in blazes did I have to walk around with that damned book on my head?" I must've shrunk an inch thanks to that!!" I giggled.

"One of the basics of charm school, I'm afraid. At least I didn't have you practice in heels like I did!!" she laughed back.

"You didn't!!" I tittered.

"Oh I did."

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Going to charm school as well as high school was the most difficult thing that I had ever done. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a photographic memory, I'd have totally failed. But I had fun anyway. I had to learn all walking with poise and grace very much like a geisha. In fact, one of my teachers was a former geisha. The school had hired her to instill that quality of oriental grace and dignity into our training. Me, I thought that I'd be sent home as a failure in the first week.

But Komeko [the geisha] was patient with me until I got the hang of it. She told me that I'd not make it as a Court Geisha because I was a true wildflower that would die in such a stuffy atmosphere. She was right, I never have been much of one for pomp and circumstance.

When I was graduating, I was getting ready in my room when Grandpa knocked, "Who is it?"

"It's your Grandpa honey."

"Come on in then, I just have to slip on my shoes." I was wearing a pink blouse and floor length silk skirt slit to the waist in the sides.

When Grandpa saw me, he looked as if he was seeing an angel. [ 'Seeing that boy turned girl going to Charm School is something else. Kelly had to unlearn many of the things that she was taught as she learns the fine arts of being a Lady. But seeing the transformation from girl to woman that she is becoming will give Kelly the strength needed later on. And now that she is graduating, we have a special treat for her that I am sure that she will enjoy.'] "Kelly, you look just like your Momma did when she graduated from high school."

"Thanks Grandpa." Then I hugged him close as he stroked my long hair. Then Aunt Debbie came out of the bathroom connecting our room.

"Kelly, you have won top honors."['Now for your reward.']

"Thanks Auntie, "I giggled. I never thought that being a Lady was so tough."

"Well, now you know, [giggle]."After all this time, I think that you deserve a big night out, want to party?"['She doesn't know it, but Johnny is here ready to surprise her.']

"To tell the truth, I am tired." [sigh]

Then I heard his voice behind me, "But we have reservations at the country club waiting Kelly. Are you denying me a chance to dance with my girl?"['Thanks Debbie for letting me know.']

"JOHNNY!!" I screamed as I jumped into his arms. Then we shared a kiss.

"I see that you remember me, you look great!" ['She feels so wonderful too.']

"Thanks Johnny." I could feel that he was as excited as I was.

"Come on you two, I am hungry, "Mister Woods chuckled.

"Where's my Momma?"

"Right here Kelly," then I was engulfed in her bear hug, "I wouldn't miss this for the world!" ['It's hard me not being here, but I know that you’re in good hands.']

After the graduation ceremony, we got into the stretch limos and headed to the club, I was alone with Johnny, "Kelly, you look like a woman now, so beautiful. My Dream Girl, he sighed. ['She is more beautiful than before. Does she still love me?']

"Thanks Johnny, Aunt Debbie got me breast forms & a gaffe so that I now look like a woman."['Will he go for it like I hope?']

"You mean that you are still a guy under all of that?"['Is Kelly pulling my leg again?']

"Yep, I am still me," I giggled. "Come on Johnny, I am here for you. As much of a woman as I can be."

"Just how good are they?"['Damn, I want her so bad.']

"As good as a real woman's. Go for it my lover." Then I undid my skirt and pulled down my panty and hose. He lay back as I mounted him. I felt him climax in my gaffe as we sated our passion. After he had climaxed, I used a napkin to clean up. Then we got dressed and went into the club.

"Kelly, are you coming back home to school? Everybody wants to know."

"No Julie, everybody knows me at school andI can't go back to being a boy again. I am going to school up here with my Aunt. I hated having to tell you that my sister, but I still need to be here."

"So, you are giving up being a boy?"['I can see no hint of boy about Kelly.']

"Yes Johnny, I was always a girl at heart. You helped me to find the girl that I am. For that I will always be grateful." ['Maybe that's why I do it with him.']

"Well, at our house, you were always happy as a girl. You're always welcome at our house." ['I have missed her.']

"Thanks Mrs. Woods. Nice to know I have a home with you."['This'll make three homes for me, yet I'd give them all up to feel complete.']

"I wish that you would come back home."['Can't she live with us or her Momma?']

"Johnny, if I did, I would have to be a boy, I can't be a boy again," I wept.['Can't he understand that I'm protecting him and his family as well as myself?']

"Then will you be my girl? My Dream Girl?" ['Please say yes.']

"Yes I will. I will always be your girl." ['Forever and always.']

"Come Kelly, we need to talk." ['Now to give her my news.']

"Coming Momma."

We went aside and spent the next hour sharing everything. I could tell that Momma was happy for me.

['Ever since, she has been here, the house has been empty. The only time that I've truly been happy has been on my weekend visits here to be with Kelly.'] "Kelly, I have moved in with the Woods."

"Why Momma?"

"It's lonely without you there and with the Woods, I'm no longer lonely."

"But what about our home and the playhouse?"

"Our home is being renovated completely and will be yours one day when you're ready as well as the playhouse."

"Ready? For what?"

"For being Johnny's wife. We know that you two love each other. This is our wedding gift to both of you."

"Thanks Momma." then I hugged her as I wept tears of joy.

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Momma was now the Building Manager for the Clinic where she worked and oversaw the other secretaries as well as catering the many dinners for the doctors.

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After that night, the Woods and Momma left and Aunt Debbie and I went home with Grandma and Grandpa. I was soon enrolled and attending school there for my senior year. Aunt Debbie was able to get me started upon hormones and my body was soon developing as a woman. After two months, I no longer needed the breast forms. I was as large without them. I soon became a Cheerleader and was cheering our team at the games. When we played against Johnny's team, Julie and I always spent half time talking.

"How's Johnny doing?"

"He misses you."['If she knew what Johnny has gone through, because of her, she'd cry.']

"I miss him too. Where is he? I have something to tell him."

Then Johnny came over and hugged me close, "Kelly, you look terrific!!"['I don't care what the others say. You are all the woman that I need.']

"Thanks Johnny," I said as I kissed him. "Damn, we still excite each other," I giggled.

"Want to go out after the game?"['She excites me still.']

"Sure."['Wait till I tell him the news.']

That night, after the game, we drove up to a secluded are near the lake and country club. It was serene and peaceful. There was a tiny log cabin there with smoke rising out of the chimney. "Kelly, do you like the place? It's your dad's old cabin."['It's now or never.']

"Yes Johnny, It is lovely."['Yes Johnny, I know why we are here, and I am ready for you.']

"This is my place now. Daddy bought it last year from your mother, and it’s my graduation present. I wanted you to see it with me."['Am I doing the right thing considering what the others have said to me?']

"But why?"['I can tell that something is bothering him, what is it?']

"I still love you Kelly, even if we don't marry, you will still be my best friend."['There, I came as close as I could without hurting her.']

"Thanks Johnny, but there is something that you should know."['I can tell that he is worried about something, maybe I can help him out.']

"What's that?"['DAMN! She is beautiful!!']

"These are my breasts, they are real." He looked at my chest with wonder. "Want to take them for a test drive? I know you do as much as I do." ['I don't know why, but I'm the one that initiates our love sessions.']

Then he gently took my hand and we went into the cabin where we sated our passion for each other until the next morning. Then he dropped a bombshell that totally blew me away.

"Kelly, I have a confession to make."['OH GOD!! I tried, but I can't take it anymore. I know that it will break her heart, but it's better this way.']

"What is it?"['Does he have some disease?']

"As much as I love you, I am torn up inside because I still see you as a boy."[' DAMN IT ALL!! I still can't tell her the truth. I am such a coward!!!']

"Even, [sniff] after [sniff] ,last night?" [sniff, sniff] ['Johnny you are breaking my heart!!!']

"Kelly, I never meant to hurt you, I love you. This is My problem not yours."['Mine and the others that don't understand.']

He held me has I wept bitter tears. I was in love with him and wanted to be with him, but he still saw me has a boy. WHY? WHY? WHY? "Then why bring me up here and why make love to me? Tell me that at least. I deserve an answer."

"I thought that doing this would change my mind."['But it did not. GOD, Can she ever forgive me?']

"Please take me home."

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We did not speak on the way ,not even listening to the radio or C.D. player. I felt betrayed and dirty from what happened. Johnny had used me to satisfy his urges and threw me aside! I wanted to die because I couldn't live with the pain and humiliation of being treated like a whore by my best friend.

As we approached the farm, I formalized my plan to die. Luckily, nobody was home. I would have plenty of time to end my sorry life. Johnny pulled up to the front door, and I got out and pulled my bag with me and slammed and locked the door.

Johnny got out, "Kelly, I still love you. I wish that things could be different," he sighed. ['What Hell have I wrought??']

I opened the front screen door, and shut it behind me, "Goodbye Johnny. Please don't return," I wept bitterly as I turned my back on him and life. ['Daddy! I am coming to join you in Heaven. My life is over.']

I went through the house saying goodbye to everything and collecting the narcotics from the bathroom. Both of my grandparents used to suffer from severe spinal pain until Aunt Debbie took them to see a chiropractor who worked her magic and ended their pain. Now Doctor Ruth Elizabeth White eats Sunday dinner here with her family and my grandparents enjoy every minute of having children under foot.

I finally got to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of Grandpa's homebrew. On the 'Dukes Of Hazard', Uncle Jesse may make the finest moonshine in Georgia, But Grandpa's is smooth and has the kick of a mule that unless it is cut, will send any but the most hardy into the Land Of Nod which is where I wanted to go to PERMANENTLY.

I dropped the pain pills into it, watching them begin to dissolve, then I wrote my goodbye note because I wanted for everybody to know why I despaired of life.

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To My Family And Friends:
If you are reading this, then I have succeeded in ending my life. I did so because I have no hope. I love you all, but my heart is broken and to live is a pain that I cannot endure. Johnny and I went to my daddy's log cabin that he and Mister Woods had bought from momma. Johnny had it renovated and I must admit that it is a darling cabin, but that is where my heart was broken.
Johnny and I made love in every conceivable fashion over that weekend. I thought that he was going to propose to me, but he dumped me! I know that he is hurting But I can not live after being used by Johnny to sate his lusts. I will NOT be his whore!
So I am ending my life and going to heaven where there is no pain.
Kelly Lee Moore

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Then I downed my ticket to Heaven, rinsed out the glass and carried the note to the living room where I set the channel on Contemporary Christian and sat down. I was well on the way when I heard Aunt Debbie's car pull up. I felt that it was fitting for her to find me, I couldn't move, but I knew that I could speak one final time.

As she entered, she smiled as she saw me, "Hi 'ya Kelly, what's new with you?"

"My heart is broken, I have no hope. Good bye Aunt Debbie."

Then she saw the moonshine, empty pill bottles and saw what I had done as well as the note,

"NO KELLY!! NOOOOOOO!!!"

Then I heard no more.