Kelly frowned as she watched her sister and Ainslee leave the mess hall. As much as she wanted to be there for them both, sometimes it felt as if she was holding them back. Today was a prime example of this, and it was like her heart was being crushed in a vice. She was the oldest, she should be guiding and taking care of them, not the other way around.

Ainslee was a close friend, who was maybe becoming more. She wanted them to become more, closer to one another. It was a devastating blow to discover that she was one of the long-lived Altered species who could provide the amount of vitae Ainslee needed to feed on so she wouldn’t have to risk killing regular humans or other short-life species.

For a brief moment, she thought that she could help her long-time friend, the girl she was now smitten with, in a tangible way. Ainslee’s fangs couldn’t pierce her skin though, just like everything else she had tried when she wanted to kill herself. They had tried last night, Kelly had practically begged her to try, but they got nowhere and the attempt just teased Ainslee to hunger.

Kelly had failed her, and now she was going to feed on the girl who could give her what she needed. Would Ainslee decide she wasn’t worth it now? She liked to think that she knew her (or at least her former self) well enough to believe that the answer to that was ‘no’, but what else did she have going for her to keep the interest of a ravishing beauty like Ainslee?

She didn’t used to be like this, doubting and second-guessing herself, not before the Incursion. She used to have confidence and watched over her little brother and the Mackenzie siblings, but her experiences since returning had changed her, more than just physically. Now she was plagued by doubts and insecurities, and she wasn’t sure how to get back to the person she used to be. She feared that there was no going back.

Maybe she had been a little harder than she should have been on the new girl as result. She had promised Lily that she would give Karen a chance, but she fell right into Karen’s trap of pushing her away with her rudeness and nasty comments. Would the old Kelly have fallen into that trap? She honestly couldn’t be certain anymore. What was Karen hiding behind that tough shell to make her do that? Was she as broken as Kelly felt herself to be?

In her heart, she knew that they had all changed from the Incursions and their experiences, but it felt like she and Lily had swapped roles, especially after the chastisement she had just received from her little sister. They had both lost three years of their lives, but the results were like night and day. She had come out of her experiences a mess of insecurities, and she no longer had any confidence to speak of, she was now much like Lily was when she was still Eli. Lily, on the other hand, seemed willing and ready to tackle any problems that came their way. She had the goals and drive that Kelly now lacked.

It hurt more than anything because she wanted to be there for her sister like Lily was there for her. She still wasn’t sure how Lily had blasted through that fog of depression and apathy that had consumed her on the day they were reunited. She was just so earnest and determined, and as Kelly started to truly listen, she realized that the little Sprite knew things that only her brother would have known. Everything she heard told her that this was Eli.

Except that Eli was now Lily. Honestly, it wasn’t that big a surprise, except for the fact that she was now a five-inch-tall Fairy. Kelly had always suspected that Eli might be transgendered given their closeness and what she had seen in her behavior and interests while growing up. She was happy for her too, for the fact that she now had a body and a life she was comfortable with.

So, she was trying to take up that big sister role again and be there for her, but the role just didn’t feel right sometimes, like a pair of shoes that were uncomfortably tight but still technically fit. Maybe it was because she didn’t feel like a big sister anymore, Lily had grown from her experiences while she had regressed. She just wanted to be there for Lily, she had to be. Kelly was well aware that she owed her sister her life or at the very least her sanity.

She thought she had lost everything; her family, her home, her self-identity, three years’ worth of memories, and the baby she couldn’t remember conceiving. If that baby had made it to term, then she would have at least had something, some reason for living, even if she knew that it had probably not been conceived willingly. She was lying in endless darkness, praying that death would take her when her sister shone a light on her and gave her a reason to live.

She had her sister again and Sundancer’s filly, Moonlight, and even if they were all changed, they were at least together. And then they found out that Aunt Maya, Ainslee, and the twins were alive too. Things were getting better, but those missing memories still haunted her, and she was terrified of being taken back through a Breach and losing everything again.

And yet, going through a Breach was her sister’s plan, one that Kelly even supported. Their mother was still on the other side somewhere, going through whatever Kelly herself had, and even if she couldn’t remember what that was, they needed to save her. That was the biggest reason for Kelly’s current dour mood.

It was just stupid training exercises, only some hardlight holograms, but when those fake Titans reached for her, she froze up in terror as visions of what might be waiting for her on the other side assaulted her mind. Sergeant Vale was right too, and she knew it. The Titans never tried to capture Altered and she was invulnerable, so she shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of.

She knew that, but whenever they got close, she flashed back to that Titan’s hand gripping her so tightly that she could scarcely breathe, trying to free herself in vain as she was taken through the Breach. And that sent her into a spiral of fear and led inexorably to the memory of her waking up in that dark room, pregnant and her body changing to something not human. She was useless like this. She couldn’t help Ainslee, and she couldn’t help her sister to save their mother either.

“…you okay? Kelly?” A voice broke through her thoughts, and she suddenly realized that she had her eyes clenched tightly shut. When she opened them, Lily’s girlfriend, Poppy, was hovering in front of her face looking worried.

Kelly sighed and tried to give the Fire Sprite a smile, but she wasn’t very successful. “Yeah, I’m fine, Poppy. I was just lost in thought. Today gave me a lot to think about, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true for all of us. If nothing else, we all learned what we need to work on for the future,” Poppy agreed, though she didn’t look entirely convinced that Kelly was as fine as she claimed.

“What am I doing?” Kelly thought despondently. “I should be using this time while Ainslee and Lily are gone to try to get to know my sister’s girlfriend better, not wallowing in misery because of some stupid training exercises. That bastard even admitted that he set us up to fail and that this is supposed to be about conquering our fears. Next time, I’ll know what’s coming, and maybe I should talk to my therapist about this during my appointment tomorrow.”

She tried to strike up a conversation with Poppy, but they didn’t get very far before Ainslee and Lily returned and her sister teleported them all home. It was strange that after only a few days, she was already thinking about Aunt Maya’s house as home. Or was it? This was where her family was. Mom, Dad, and Uncle Gavin might not be here, but everyone else who was important to her was and they would find Mom and bring her here too.

Without their parents, the ranch was just a place where she and her sister grew up. Lily had even said that the house and other buildings were rebuilt after the Incursion and that Uncle Pete owned the place now. There was nothing there that she wanted to go back to, not enough to face a lengthy legal battle to fight for a place that now only held bad memories and trauma, and not when the people she cared about most were right here.

Speaking of the people she cared about most; Lily and Ainslee were looking at her in concern. It seemed that she had gone all pensive and brooding again. “Hey, Sis, are you okay?” the former asked.

“I’m just a little tired, and I have some things to think about after those horrible training sessions,” Kelly replied with the ghost of a smile.

“Yeah, it looks like it,” Ainslee said as she took her hand and squeezed it gently. “You were kinda out of it just now. We were just telling Mom and the twins about our day, trying to decide what to do now, and making plans for tomorrow afternoon since we’re free from training hell with Sergeant Vale until Friday.”

“It sounds like you all need to relax,” Selina said with a frown, at least Kelly thought it was Selina.

The other twin, likely Sammie, quickly added. “Ainslee wants us all to veg and watch movies together before me and Selina have to go back to our pool to get wet. So, we were thinking… all those tails must be a lot of work to take care of…”

“So, we wanted to know if you’d be willing to let us brush them for you,” Selina said, finishing her twin sister’s sentence. “Pleeease! They look so soft and fluffy, and maybe it’ll help you to relax after such a rough day.”

Kelly had been considering begging off to head to bed, but she never had been able to say no to the twins, especially when they were both giving her puppy dog eyes. Her smile reached her eyes this time as she said, “Yeah, sure. I guess it would save me some trouble. Thanks, girls.”

A short time later, they were all settled on the couch with some popcorn and drinks and watching some cheesy comedy movie that Ainslee had picked out. Kelly was snuggled up next to Ainslee while the twins enjoyed brushing and gently stroking the fur on her tails. Lily and Poppy were cuddling on the armrest of the couch with their cups of nectar and a little bowl of roasted sesame seeds instead of popcorn. Kelly had to admit that after the day they had, just relaxing with those she loved most was a nice way to end it and it helped her to get out of her head.

They had tentative plans for tomorrow afternoon following her therapist appointment too. Moonlight already had a stall in the university stables reserved for her use, so Lily proposed that Poppy, Kelly, and Ainslee join her in taking all of Moonlight’s riding gear, food, and stuff there so Kelly could make sure that Moonlight was properly shod and then she and Ainslee could brush her and ride her for a while if she was willing. Lily said she was, and Kelly had to admit that getting back to doing familiar things might help her feel better.

After the movie, they were all too tired to watch another and the twins needed to get into their pool and get hydrated, so they all decided to head to bed. Kelly usually left her bedroom door ajar so the pair of Sprites could access Lily’s little house when they wanted, so while they went to do that, she helped Ainslee clean up the bowls and drinks and take them to the kitchen before heading to bed themselves.

They had reached Ainslee’s bedroom door when the redheaded Baobhan Sith pulled Kelly into her arms and gave her a very passionate kiss. When their lips parted, Kelly was left panting for air and Ainslee took the opportunity to speak. “Kelly, I’m not sure why you’ve been so out of it tonight, but I hope that the feeding on Karen thing isn’t the cause.”

“It’s not… I’m just…” Kelly sputtered as she tried to dismiss the idea, even if it was part of the reason.

“Good, because it’s just feeding, and only because we’ve both been ordered to do it,” she insisted. “I am not interested in her in any other way. You’re the only one that I’m interested in romantically, I’ve been in love with you… well, for a long time. When I thought I lost you, when I couldn’t save you, it nearly destroyed me. I won’t let that happen again.”

She said the L word. There was an awkward silence after that as Kelly’s heart hammered away in her chest and she was taken aback by the intensity in Ainslee’s voice and the truth in her eyes. Eventually, they kissed once more and then Ainslee let the topic drop as they said their goodnights. Kelly went to bed with a warmth in her heart and very different thoughts dominating her mind.

Despite her happy thoughts as she drifted off to sleep, the dreams made their presence known, just as they did almost every night since she woke up in Amethyst Harbour Hospital for Altered Care. They would not be denied. Those nightmares assaulted her mind with experiences that she couldn’t be sure were memory or her overactive imagination.

She was a gladiator in a strange arena, fighting other humans as alien beings watched in excitement and rapture. The aliens were blurry, she could never make out their distinctive features in these dreams no matter how hard she tried, just those of other humans. She fought valiantly and sometimes she won, sometimes she was dragged out a bloodied mess, but every time she was placed in a machine afterward. In that machine her wounds were healed as if they never existed, not even a scar, at least none that were physical.

Her ‘owner’ gave a command she couldn’t understand and even as she tried to resist, her body moved on its own as she fell to her hands and knees. The man was suddenly behind her, thrusting himself into her from behind with no preamble. Pain lanced through her nethers and her mind screamed out for him to stop as he continued to pump away inside her, but her body just stayed where it was while she was bred like an animal.

Kelly awoke screaming, tears streaming down her face and her breaths coming in deep, ragged gasps. Why did this always happen? Was she remembering things that truly happened or were these visions just nightmares from the darkest recesses of her imagination? Curled up in a ball, she hugged herself with trembling arms and hands as she quietly sobbed.

She must have screamed loud enough to wake Lily, something not easy for slumbering Sprites from what she was told. Her sister alighted upon her shaking shoulder, telling her softly, “It’s okay, Sis, it was just a dream. I’m here for you.” Kelly wasn’t sure how long her sister stayed with her, trying to soothe her, but it was a very long time before she calmed down, and longer still before she could sleep again.