‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was sti…. Ooops, wrong story.
A long time ago, in a state far, far away….
Is a place that doesn’t exist any more. A state where 10 year old children could play outside until late at night, accept candy from strangers and walk to the store all by themselves. It isn’t so much that the state is far, far away, but the time that is so far, far away. But not everything is as rosy as it seems.
Christmas time in Glendale, Arizona is usually quite chilly. That day, though, I was hating the long pants and sweater that Mom had made me wear. It hadn’t been too bad when I went out to play that morning but, by noon, the desert was sweltering. Deanna and I stopped by her home at the far end of the trailer park, as I hadn’t wanted to walk all the way home in this heat.
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“Mom?” called Deanna from her front door.
“In here, dear.”
“It’s too hot, I’m going to go change, is it OK if Larry waits here while I do?”
“Of course, dear, he’s family. You two are nearly inseparable, anyways. Ask him to turn around first before you change, though.”
“Moooom! Really?”
With that, Deanna grabbed my hand as we went to her room. “What Mom doesn’t know won’t hurt us. Do you want to spend some girl time, or go back out to play? She’ll be busy with her accounting work for hours.”
“I haven’t been me for days, I hate it when you have to go to your cousin’s. Girl time!”
“I have several new dresses, let’s do some modeling. Let’s see who these look best on! I have one that I got just for you, I think it fits with your red hair better than my darker Italian appearance.”
Deanna and I spent the next hour or so trying on different outfits, after she brushed my Beatle's Mop Top hair cut into a better look. After that, I certainly looked better than her in that emerald green A-line dress that had a dark bodice with a lime green skirt, finished off with lace around the Peter Pan collar and the puff sleeves. She looked better in pretty much all of the other dresses and outfits, though, as the rest were not really my colors.
After that, we sat down and played with her dolls for a while. Always, before that, we would remember that I needed to go back to being Larry instead of Laura.
“Deanna! Larry! Lunch time!”
“OK, Mom,” we chorused, running out of the room and into the kitchen.
“What’s for lun…,” I started, coming to an abrupt halt as I remembered how I was dressed. I could feel my face burning as Mrs. Serratt turned to face us.
“Oh, my. What in the worl… hey, come back here!”
I ran out of the house as fast as I could, and when I ran, there were few people, adult or child, who could catch me. I could outrun most of the middle school kids, at least in a sprint. I ran home, knowing that no one was home. Mom was out with my sister at a girl scout meeting by now, and Dad was still at work at Luke Air Force Base. Without pausing, I threw open the front door and crashed onto the floor in the living room. I hate the doors in mobile homes, they all have this raised bar on the floor of the door frame. When I stood up…
“What are you doing in our house, girl? I think you are in the wrong… Larry? What in the world are you doing in a dress! What are people going to think! You are a boy, not a girl!” said my Mom, coming over to where I was standing. “I didn’t raise you to be a freak!” she continued. Slapping my face and knocking me onto the floor, where I could feel my mouth bleeding, she said, “Now go get that shit off and then you can explain to me why you are embarrassing me like this!”
“But Mom, I jus…”
With another slap that sent me crashing into the coffee table, she shouted, “I said get!”
I stood up, and turned towards my room – which just happened to be in the direction of the still open front door – then I ran back out of the house.
“Get your Arsch wieder hierher, verrücktes Kind.”
“Nein!” Du bist nicht meine Mutter!” I shouted back, wanting to hurt her by saying she wasn’t my mother. How could she call me crazy and a freak? Aren’t mothers supposed to love their child no matter what?
I ran until I could run no farther, out into the desert to an abandoned iron building of some sort. All the kids in the neighborhood used it as a hang-out, and there I found my only other friend, Jimmy. Jimmy lived on the other side of the tracks, in the worst part of town. OK, by today’s standards, it wasn’t bad. It was just where the poorest people lived, in run-down houses. Mom didn’t like him, but he was my friend. He was the only boy that stood up for me when I got picked on, as the bullies in the school liked to do. We had just moved there, and I was the latest target.
“Ah, hello there, I’m Jimmy. You must be new to the area, I haven’t seen you arou….” With that Jimmy stood there for a moment with his mouth hanging open. “Is that… are you… do I… Larry?”
“Maybe…?” I was too tired to run, and I just hoped he wouldn’t react like everyone else had.
“What in the worl…”
I walked back out, and over to the edge of the ravine. It wasn’t but thirty feet away, but it took me a little bit to get there. If he chased after me, I could always go over the edge.
“Larry, wait. Please talk to me, I’d really like to know what is wrong.”
“I’m in a dress, that’s what’s wrong. Everyone hates me now, so don’t come any closer or I’m going over the edge.”
“Just one question then. What’s your name?”
“What?! You know my name, don’t be stupid. I’m out of patience!”
“No, not that name. You aren’t Larry right now, you are…?”
“Just call me ‘Freak.’ Or ‘Crazy.’ Those are the names my mom just gave me.”
“No, that’s not your name. Neither one of those fits you. Let me guess… Tammy? Cindy? Janet? Let me know if I get close.”
“Jimmy? You aren’t… you don’t… I mean…”
“Do I think there is something wrong with you? Naw, you’re just finally being you. Why do you think they pick on you? And why do you think I protect you? You move like a girl, you throw like a girl, you do almost everything but run just like a girl.”
“I’m Laura, I think. I’m not really happy with that name, but that is what Deanna calls me when we play dress up.”
Jimmy and I sat down and talked for a while, until it started to get late. We finally settled on Amelia for my name. Mom had never let me go over to Jimmy’s house, so we decided to go to his house for dinner. My face had swelled up from my mom’s hitting me, and with my busted lip and my eye starting to show a bruise, we told him parents that I had run away from home as my mother beat me. Mrs. Williams had been beaten as a child, so she agreed to keep me at their house for a few day to let my parents calm down and to get worried.
Mr. and Mrs. Williams were the most wonderful people that I had ever met, kind and generous, in spite of living such a difficult life. They talked with me, and I confessed that I wasn’t really Amelia, and that I was really a boy. We had many long talks, and they helped me to understand myself. But the whole time I was there, I was Amelia. They had a daughter about my own age, and I was able to borrow clothes from her when my dress got dirty. I felt bad for her, as she had so little compared to me, but I would have traded lives in an instant. Money is no substitute for love.
By the time I was ready to go back home, I had talked with them about how I wished I was a girl, and how much I hated being a boy. Yet, I knew I was making it more difficult for them to survive, and that they could not afford another child. I had to go back home. I said goodbye, and left on my own. I knew that they would get in trouble for keeping me as a run-away, so not even Jimmy could go with me.
When I got to the mobile home park, I saw that there was a police car in front of my house. I was too scared to go there, so I went to the only other place I knew to go. Deanna’s.
I knocked on the door….
“Laura!” said Mrs. Serratt. “Oh, child, I’ve been so worried. How could you go off and scare us like that! Deanna has been… DEANNA! She’s home!”
I heard a door crash open and something – or someone – thud into the wall of the hallway of their house. “LAURA! You’re back!” shouted Deanna as she rounded the corner, catapulting herself into a giant hug with me. “Don’t ever do that again, silly girl!” she continued, giving me a kiss. Chaos ensued as both Deanna and her mother tried to talk at the same time and also hug me at the same time.
Once things calmed down, Mrs. Serratt said, “Your Dad came by the evening you left. He has been looking all over for you, and they have the police searching the desert. I explained to him what had happened, and he has talked to your mother, I know. You are going to have to go home to talk to them at the very least. I don’t know how that will go, but know this. You will always have a home with us if it comes down to that. And you can be who you are, whatever that ends up to be.”
“But you said, ‘What in the world…’ ”
“Silly girl. I was going to say, ‘What in the world are you doing coming to lunch in your good dress?”
All I could do was blush, and mumble, “Sorry.”
“Forgiven, dear child. Have you eaten? I’m not going to ask where you have been, but since your dress is clean, I know someone took care of you.”
“I’m too nervous to eat. Can you come with me to go home? Both of you?”
We left to walk to my house, and it felt like I was a prisoner walking the last mile to death row. I was simply terrified. Would I come home and find that I couldn’t be me? That I would have to go back to the joyless kind of life I would have as a boy? Would my mother pretend to accept me, and then beat me again? What did my dad think about all of this? I had so many questions going through my head, it came as a surprise when we arrived at my house. At least the police were gone now.
I walked up the stairs to the front door, and I couldn’t bring myself to open the door. Deanna knocked on the door, and when it opened I saw my big sister. I just stood there with my eyes down, and waited.
“Yes? Deanna, Mrs. Serratt, have you seen him? I mean, her. And who do you have with you, does she have infor… OH MY GOD!” she said, squealing that last bit and getting louder as she went. “LAURA!” She catapulted herself out of the door, picked me up in a bear hug and swung me around. “Mom! Dad! She’s home!” she yelled, with tears in her eyes.
I wish I could tell you it was all peaches and cream after that, but I can’t. I can tell you that I was allowed to be me, and that my Dad accepted Amelia with open arms. I can tell you that my sister and I became besties, and we still talk every day, no matter what part of the world the Air Force takes her to. I can tell you that my mother never beat me again, but she didn’t exactly accept me. My father and mother divorced a few years later, mostly due to her infidelity. My stepmother, she accepted me for who I am, and we even became friends with Jimmy and his family. Deanna and I stayed best friends all through school and into college, but we drifted apart when she went to medical school on the east coast.
