Along the Waterfront

"This is pretty captivating, but give over, before someone throws a bucket of water over us."

"All right, but I am full of animal magnetism, aren't I, Jeffrey?"

"There's no doubt about it, Susie," I purred. "Don't be surprised if, one morning, you wake up and find a squirrel stuck to your forehead."

Susie and Jeffrey 48 - 52 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 48

"Am I Maisie or Daisy?" Susie whispered.

"You're Maisie."

"I thought I was Daisy."

"No, you're Maisie and I'm Daisy."

"Are you sure?"

"I know my alias from your Jane Doe," I hissed. "What does it matter, anyway?"

"Because we'll be stuck as Maisie and Daisy unless we play truant pretty damn quick."

"What's the rush? Everything's going exactly as planned."

"So far, but you haven't been paying attention - the bus station's coming up." Susie pointed out a building at the far end of the road. "Then the fourth form girls' dormitory will be our next stop - or is that what you're hoping for?"

"I'm Daisy - not Dizzy. I've been biding my time until we were well clear of the docks."

"You're bouncing along a bit too enthusiastically for my liking. Slow down, or you'll be throwing yourself onto the bus driver's lap again."

"I'm only keeping in step," I protested. "You're doing the same."

"I'm not thrusting out my chest and swinging my arms like I haven't a care in the world."

"Yes, you are."

"Only because you grabbed my hand back there."

"No I didn't - they instinctively sought out each other - just like we did."

"Maybe," Susie smiled, "but now you're grinning like a Cheshire cat - and you're skipping."

"I can't help myself. Marching along with you on a balmy night, the puddles glistening under the lights and the aroma of the crisp factory wafting its way up our nostrils - it's a magic moment. I feel I'm walking on air."

"This isn't the time or place to go all transcendental, Daisy. Come back down to earth and work out how we'll perform our vanishing act."

"I already have."

"Well, don't keep it a secret. Great minds think aloud. Come on, share it with me."

"We'll dawdle a bit until we're semi-detached and then softly duck down the next side street ..."

"And pussyfoot away. I suppose it'll work, but I was expecting something more original from you - less ... less hackneyed," Susie winked. "Know what I mean?"

"We're not stealing a taxi."

"The idea never entered my head."

"Yes, it did; I saw the glint in your eye when we passed them on the rank."

"That's all it was. Your welfare is my first priority. I was mainly wondering how much a ride home would cost."

"Squillions - forget it. Mum will be on her way to pick us up as soon as she puts down the phone, after she's heard my tale of woe."

"That'll mean we'll still have to hang around, kicking our heels, for at least another hour. Two innocent schoolgirls shouldn't be walking the streets of a strange town at this time of night - anything could happen."

"We're not wasting my hard earned money on a taxi; we'll find some safe place to wait quietly until mum gets here."

"Okay, I must have used up a week's worth of calories today, so we can kill two birds with one stone and go to Macdonald's. That'll be best - if it's not too expensive for you."

"We could try Kentucky Fried Chicken - are they more reasonable?"

"Our sea cruise has given me a proper appetite. I don't want to be picking the flesh of the bones; I want something I can get my teeth into. I could eat a horse."

"I'm not keen on red meat and I don't like their fries. I'd rather have fish and proper chips. Do they allow take-ins?"

"Whoa, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Look up ahead. We have to be successful drop-outs first and it isn't going to be as easy as you seem to think. Someone's got their beady eyes on us."

A teacher had stopped in the middle of the road, holding up the traffic with a hockey stick and ushering the stream of girls across.

"Trust them to have a frustrated lollipop lady on the staff," I moaned.

"Don't dilly-dally back there," she shouted to us. "We've no time for window shopping."

"Sorry, I had to tie my shoelace," I apologised, as we reluctantly closed the gap.

"Come on, come on - I can't have any of my little lambs lost in the dark."

"Bugger, Maisie, it's like having a pack of overeager sheepdogs watching over us," Susie muttered.

"That's what you get when you pay for a boarding school education - round-the-clock care - and I'm Daisy."

"Well, Maisie Daisy, we'd better hurry and find another way to disappear. If we don't, it's going to be who's eaten my porridge and who the hell is that sleeping in my bed."

"We'll be found out long before we get under the covers."

"Maybe not - I wouldn't be surprised if freezing cold showers are the order of the day at Dothegirls Hall. Fan dance with your flannel and no one will suspect there's a cuckoo in the nest."

"I haven't got a flannel."

"Don't worry, plenty of suds will do the trick. We'll have fun lathering each other up," Susie grinned.

"Will you stop it and concentrate on how we're going to make an unseen getaway, or we'll be spending the rest of the night on the run."

"I don't fancy that, but if we wait until everyone's on the bus and then skedaddle, there won't be much they can do about it."

"This lot won't let two of their charges go absent without leave - we're valuable assets. We'll have the teachers, the hockey team and the police all chasing us down. We need to arrange a slight distraction."

"Did you read about those kids who shoved a metal pole into an electricity substation? They blacked out a whole neighbourhood."

"Susie!"

"It is a little extreme - setting off the fire alarm in the bus station would be more practical. Prepare to flex your elbow."

"Your schemes have one thing in common - they lead to more trouble. When you want to get yourself out of a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging."

"All right, let's confess almost everything to Miss Dodd. We'll tell her we were stranded because we had our money and return tickets pinched. That's risk free and totally believable."

"We were desperate at the thought of upsetting our parents and in a moment of madness, you decided this was the best way to get us home."

"I take the blame, is that it?"

"Well, you're in charge - and it leaves me free to appeal to Miss Dodd's motherly instinct. I'll be the poor innocent who's been led astray by her big sister."

"I thought we were twins."

"We never told her that. She'll remember I was the polite one - with the Latin - who gave her the little girl curtsey and you were the cheeky bugger who couldn't think of anything but clubbing."

"So you definitely want to make me the villain of the piece."

"Not exactly - I'll explain to her you have my best interests at heart, but you're headstrong and domineering."

"I hope that's not how you really think of me."

"Of course not," I smiled. "I know I can wrap you around my little finger."

"I wouldn't be so sure you'll charm Miss Dodd as easily," Susie cautioned. "She'll have had thirty years of nonsense from silly young girls."

"I wonder if I'd get more sympathy as Jeffrey. I could say you forced me to dress up like this."

"Hold on, you're back to me appearing a right rascal. This was your idea and don't you forget it. You jumped at the chance to get into that uniform."

"Only because we were in dire straits. I wasn't happy with the stealing part. We'll compromise: you say it was your idea to borrow the clothes and I'll say I went along with it willingly."

"That's better. She's never going to believe this is your first time - make a clean breast of it."

"Showing off Pinky and Perky won't help - they'll point her in entirely the wrong direction."

"I didn't mean literally, but have you thought of the problem you'll have convincing her you're a boy. You can't take out a couple of socks and wave them under her nose."

"You'll back me up. You're my sister - you'll know if you've got a brother or not."

"This is a mad idea all round; it's not worthy of you, Jeffrey. She won't believe us and it'll only make things worse. She'll mark us down as two cheeky girls having a laugh at her expense."

"I could recite the first thousand digits of pi to her - then she'd realise I wasn't your bog-standard girl."

"How will she know you're not spouting gibberish? Really, Daisy, you should think these things through."

"It's a high risk strategy," I conceded. "I'd much rather we kept my double identity a secret and came up with an alternative. Preferably, one where we steal silently away into the night while everybody's attention is elsewhere."

"We're back to the fire alarm, then, unless there's some sort of commotion in the next hundred yards. We could try to frighten them by pretending to see a UFO and hope for mass hysteria."

"It's just our luck; there's never a bull around when you need one," I groaned. "I wonder what they'll charge me with - is impersonating a schoolgirl a criminal offence? Ernie got six months for wearing a chief superintendent's uniform."

"That was harsh for a bit of fancy dress."

"He was driving a squad car at the time. Of course, they suspended his sentence, but he had his truncheon confiscated - the one thing he'd come by legitimately."

"Well at least you're not posing as a policewoman and riding a stolen bike."

"Be serious: I could end up with some barmy old ologist psychoanalysing me - instead of a barmy young one."

"You won't say that when I've delivered you from this spot of bother; I think I've just heard our salvation." Susie gave a knowing smile as a series of whistles and whoops echoed down the street. "It sounds like even lowlier beasts than your bull are abroad tonight."

"Eyes forward, ears closed, girls," Miss Dodd barked from up at the front.

A gang of youths, outside a take-away on the other side of the road, were offering dubious compliments to our passing column.

"They're making me glad the teachers are here to protect us. I don't know where to look."

"You'll have to forget your blushes and respond in kind."

"I wouldn't demean myself. I'm being aloof and sticking my nose in the air. I'm treating them with disdain."

"There's no time for maidenly modesty; we have to really excite their interest. This is our big opportunity."

"I suppose if a horde of marauding boys were to infiltrate our flock, there might be enough confusion for us to slip away unnoticed."

"You're getting the idea. Our sheepdogs would have to start yapping at the wolves."

"I imagine that will only aggravate matters; teenage boys being what they are."

"Undoubtedly, with any luck, there'll be a right kerfuffle."

"The problem is how to goad them on. I'm not letting the school down by engaging in any crude talk."

"You won't have to say a word."

"I don't fancy miming it, either."

"You won't have to: red rags and bulls - need I say more?"

"Yes."

"Don't be naive, Daisy."

"I suppose my knickers feature in your plan," I sighed.

"Conspicuously."

"I knew there was a good reason you came up with this idea before I did. It's deja view my bottom all over again."

"And this time we'll do it properly. I'll be here to supervise matters."

"Well, let's not be too blatant about it. I'd like there to be some artistic merit in my performance - and they're hot-pink, by the way."

"Then, you'll make it something a cheerleader would be proud of."

"Surprising as it may be to you, I don't have a routine ready to hand. That's one thing I haven't been practising in front of the mirror."

"Don't worry, all we'll need are the basics." Susie waved at the lads and pulled up my skirt. "Start giving them the come-on, Daisy."

"I can't do it - even if I knew how - they're boys - and uncouth youths, into the bargain."

"Ballbarians - that's what they are - they'll be suckers for your charms."

"Please, it's bad enough without your end of the pier humour."

"It was a classical allusion about the fall of Rome; I thought you liked the high-brow stuff."

"It's the way you tell 'em, Susie."

"Stop messing about. We're going to miss our chance. Close your eyes and imagine you're doing a shoot for an underwear catalogue."

"With you as the lesbian photographer."

"Don't get me involved: I have to keep a clear head so I can judge when to make our break."

"It should be your turn to be the fall-girl," I griped. "But I'm too much of a gent to have you display your charms to those yobs."

I shook my hair, licked my lips and gave a little jump in the air.

"Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo."

"Pogoing and chirping 'yoo-bloody-hoo' won't get their pulses throbbing," Susie snorted. "You're not inviting them over for tea and crumpets."

"I'm doing my best; you'll have to lend a hand."

Susie groped my bottom.

"Ah, that's not what I meant."

"Yes, it is - and this."

Before I could stop her, she was giving Pinky and Perky a tweak.

"Aw, you're turning my legs to jelly," I shrieked. "I won't be able to run."

Susie tweaked some more and I threw out my arms and arched my back.

"That's it, Daisy, keep it up, we've got them saluting our march past."

I blinked and looked across the road. "Where? I can't see."

"Not with their hands."

"In that case, I'm averting my gaze. I don't want to be a party to this."

"It's too late, we've overdone it - they're coming over en masse."

The girls in front of us halted. "Let's show them what the Hell's Belles are made of," someone shouted and they broke into their chant. "H-E-L ..."

"Stop it - Stop that this instant." Miss Dodd came hurrying down the line. "What in heaven's name has possessed you girls?"

"We're practising our hockey cheers," they cried. "Sticks out - let's give them the full works."

The gang weren't dismayed and answered the clashing of the sticks by banging on the bonnets of parked cars as they dashed across the road.

Miss Dodd turned and faced them. "Get away from my girls, you ... you unspeakable rabble."

"Push off, you old bag."

They let out a chorus of wild whoops and rushed past, sweeping her aside.

"Help, Miss, we're being assaulted," Susie screamed. "Scatter - it's every girl for herself."

She swung her bag at the leading youth, who was making directly for me, and caught him on the side of the head.

Craaaaaaack.

"Oooowwww!"

"Now you've done it," I cried. "You're making us more enemies."

Susie hit him again.

"Oooff! Ow! What the hell are you playing at? I'll get you for that."

"No you won't!" The girl in front whirled round and clouted him between the legs.

"Aaaaargh." He went down in a heap.

"Clobber 'em, girls."

There was a flailing of hockey sticks and a mixture of grunts and oofs.

"Saved by the Belles," Susie yelled. "Come on, you're not giving any more first aid today - let's get out of here while we've got the chance."

The crocodile had halted and girls were milling around, all eager to witness the escalating hullabaloo.

"Keep in formation," Miss Dodd shouted. "Rally to my whistle."

"Couldn't have worked out better," Susie exalted, as we broke clear of the surging tide. "Quick, down there while nobody's looking."

We dashed along a narrow alleyway and disappeared into the dark.

"You're a lucky bugger, Susie."

"That's what they always say about painstaking professionals."

"You could have got us flattened, back there."

"Nonsense, we've done it again - home free."

"Not quite, it's a dead end - we're trapped. I knew we'd run into a brick wall one day."

It loomed up in front of us - six feet high and topped with barbed wire.

"I'll do the noble thing and give you a bunk up - you can leave me to my fate, Jeffrey."

"It'll take more than a bunk-up to get over that - and there's probably a couple of Dobermans waiting in there to greet me."

"Would you rather take your chances with Miss Dodd?"

"With any luck, we won't have to; I don't think anyone saw us. They'll reform, have a recount, find everyone's present and correct and be on their way."

Susie settled back against the wall. "It goes against the grain to stand idle and wait for something not to happen. I like to be the mistress of our fate."

"I know, but on this occasion we should fold our arms, stick our hands in our pockets and twiddle our thumbs."

 

Chapter 49

"We came past a big dustbin - do you want to hide in that?"

"No, I don't - it'd be the first place they'd look."

"Not if we use your skirt as a MacGuffin."

"A what?"

"A MacGuffin - we throw it up on the barbed wire to mislead them. They'll think you've hopped over the wall."

"No, they won't - and that's not a MacGuffin. You've got your wires crossed again."

"I beg to differ, Jeffrey, it's hustler talk - something you're not well-versed in."

"Have it your way, but I think it'll be better for both of us if you don't get any more ideas from that programme. I've already told you it's fixed; they're a bunch of conjurers - nothing more."

"It's educational; it's psychology in action. You should be encouraging me to put my studies to practical use."

"I wish you'd content yourself with learning a few card tricks."

"Boring, Jeffrey."

"I'm sure you'd find the theory of in- and out-shuffles fascinating. It only takes eight ..."

"My eyes are glazing over at your ivory tower maths stuff. Come back to the real world."

"How about a mind reading act? That should be more up your street."

"I'm already working on it."

"What am I thinking, then?"

"Susie's wonderful; I shouldn't argue with her."

"That doesn't count - it must be written over my head in capital letters. How else would I let myself end up in these situations?"

"You're never satisfied."

"I would be if you realised you don't have the mental discipline to be a hustler. You have to practice over and over again, day in and day out - not just see something on the telly."

"That's all you know, because there's one trick I've already successfully performed."

"Really."

"You're not the only one who can secrete something up their sleeve; I played the smashing the watch trick on Mikey."

"So, how did you distract him and get his watch up your sleeve?"

"I didn't. That's where the hammer was before it magically appeared and I brought it down in one fell swoop."

"Typical - just like I said: you hadn't the patience to learn the sleight of hand so you could do it properly."

"I worked it exactly the way Sooty did - apart from waving a magic wand. I thought fooling someone into having their watch destroyed was the trick."

"I'm not surprised," I huffed. "It's just the sort of thing that would appeal to you."

"Don't sulk, just because all you know are dull old card tricks and not any good stuff like that."

"Yes I do."

"Go on then, tell me."

"You'd probably bugger it up on purpose."

"No I wouldn't - unless it's better that way."

"Well then, it'll be your own fault if you're landed with a big bill because you need to borrow a small, expensive object off somebody."

"Like what - a mobile phone?"

"That'll do if you can't lay your hands on an exquisite Ming vase."

"They were all smashed a long time ago. Every ornament in our house has a head or a leg glued on. I managed some invisible mends, so keep quiet about it or you'll get Mikey in trouble."

"If you want to avoid any more accidents, you'd better pay close attention."

"Yes, Jeffrey - carry on. I have the ears of a big floppy bunny."

"Tie one end of about a metre of string to your victim's prized possession and on the other end tie something much lighter, like a ring."

"Does this involve swinging the whole lot around my head?"

"No, just listen. Hold the little item in one hand, stretch the string fully out horizontal by supporting it at the other end over a pencil. Then ..."

"I know - you scare the shit out of them by letting go."

"Only after saying the magic words."

"Which are?"

"Anything you like - gravity doesn't care. The effect is better if you do it over a hard concrete floor."

"If they're not quick enough to save their stuff, I could be in serious danger of retaliatory action. Are you playing a double game and trying to make me the patsy in this, Jeffrey?"

"It's not practical psychology, Susie - it's practical physics. You'll have to try it and see, but not with anything of mine."

"Dad has a Rolex - they're guaranteed to be shockproof. He bought it off a friend of a friend."

"It'll be a fake, then."

"He doesn't think so, but I'd be suspicious of something that turned my wrist green. Nobody I know is allergic to gold."

"Well, if you do give it a go, out of an upstairs window would be the ideal place."

"You are deliberately trying to get me into mischief, aren't you, Jeffrey?"

"It's foolproof, Susie - and if things do go wrong, Ernie will be happy to get your dad a replacement. He used to have an armful of Swiss watches."

"I'd rather dad didn't meet Ernie, Jeffrey - nothing personal, but ..."

"I understand, Susie, it's best he knows nothing of our part in the great shower of shit over Scronkey."

"Among other things ... and with dad being an estate agent, I think I should keep it quiet that I've been associating with a burglar."

"Ex-burglar, Susie."

"It's a distinction dad won't appreciate, Jeffrey, especially if Ernie tries to sell him a dodgy timepiece after I've busted his beloved Rolex."

"I sense you're not keen on demonstrating this little trick. That's a pity because it would help in your quest for a car. It can't hurt to demonstrate to your dad a deep understanding of the principles of mechanics."

"I'll try it out on something of Mikey's. Not that I haven't complete confidence in you, but you can't be too careful with science stuff."

"You don't have to worry: ye canna change the laws of physics, Susie - just stick to my instructions."

"At my last school, I was following the chemistry teacher's orders to the letter when I set a boy's hair on fire."

"That could have had unfortunate consequences - did he sue you, Susie?"

"No he didn't, Jeffrey, quite the opposite - I saved the day and most of his hair. Everyone else was frozen to the spot, but I kept my wits about me and dropped a towel over his head."

"An exemplary course of action."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I wish he'd been as complimentary. He never offered a word of thanks."

"That's understandable. You must have rendered him speechless. I know the feeling."

"I think it was mainly because he choked on the hydrogen sulphide, after I shoved him in the fume cupboard. He'd have stunk ..."

"Just a minute - I think something's happening out on the street."

Three distant blasts on a whistle echoed down the alley.

"That's Miss Dodd's pay attention to me signal, Jeffrey."

Da-daa-da-daa-da-daa ...

"And the police have arrived, Susie."

"There she goes again. Miss Dodd's gone whistle happy. It won't be long before they're under way."

"We'll wait five minutes to be on the safe side."

"Better make it ten."

"I want to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't like being a couple of schoolgirls up a dark alley. This could be a popular spot later on in the night."

"We'll be off before then. Pucker up and I'll take your mind off it with a little diversion of my own."

Susie leant over and gave me a kiss full on the mouth.

"Your elliptical approach isn't the answer to everything."

"Izzy-wizzy, let's get busy, Jeffrey."

"We should ... Murmmm ..."

"What were you saying before you put your hand up my bottom?"

"I forget," I gasped, as we separated. "I think I was going to suggest we dump these uniforms before we venture out."

"I won't argue with you there." Susie threw off her blazer and opened her bag. "Wave goodbye to Maisie and Daisy."

"We'll be running out of names at this rate."

"I can't say I'm sorry to see the back of Maisie. Did I really pass so easily for fourteen?"

"Yes, you do."

"That's not what I want to hear. How's it going to look when I'm driving? The police will be forever pulling me over."

"You'll have to wear a big hat and sit on a cushion - with blocks on your shoes, so you can still reach the pedals."

"It's not amusing, Jeffrey. I'm more than a little disconcerted at being taken for a fourth former."

"It's not so bad once you get used to it. Now that I'm over my initial embarrassment, I'm willing to slip into the role anytime. How about you, Susie?"

"In public, I should definitely be the school prefect. It's safer for you to be out with a responsible adult."

"I'd be happier if we both wandered around with hockey sticks in our hands. I'd find that more reassuring."

"I take your point, Jeffrey. We'll definitely be striving to keep out of trouble in future Today's escapades could undo all the good work I've put in with dad this last week."

"Our immediate problem is explaining how we've ended up ten nautical miles north of our last reported position - and thirty miles from home by road."

"It's a tricky one for us, Jeffrey, you'll have to give it some serious thought."

"I want to get out of here first. Let's hurry up and change."

"We'll have to mix and match."

"It's funny, you're the one who's lost all their clothes this time," I grinned. "What goes around comes around."

"Not all the way: you're still being the little sister. I'm having the grown-up skirt. You'll have to make do with that one."

"I'm happy in pleats and a more modest look - especially as we'll be walking the streets after dark."

"We don't want it to look like school wear. Hold still, while I make a minor adjustment."

Susie hitched up my skirt and folded in the waistband.

"Oh, now it's nothing more than a pelmet. I can't go around like this; it's obvious what you've done."

"I haven't finished yet." She tugged out my top. "There, that's better; everything's hidden away - no one will be any the wiser."

"You've made it worse," I whined. "Now, I look like I'm not even wearing a skirt."

"It's cute, Jeffrey."

"It's louche, Susie."

"Louche! Where did you get that from?"

"It's my grandma's word for a certain kind of woman."

"I'm sure that's something she'd never call Denise."

"Maybe not, but if she saw me like this, she'd think I was chairman of the board of the girls who can't wait to join the pudding club."

"Chairperson, Jeffrey."

"This isn't a matter for levity, Susie, I have to be careful. I don't want to shock her when she sees me as Denise for the first time. I was hoping to start off more or less ambiguous - neither one thing or the other."

"It's too late, Jeffrey, our wedding photos are already in her inbox."

"Oh, they're not - mum shouldn't have done that without asking me."

"It's your own fault for having breakfast in bed. You should get up in a morning if you want to keep abreast of what's going on."

"There's no chance of that; things are well and truly out of control. Sometimes I wish life could be simple again," I sighed. "Or perhaps it was me that was simple. What do you think, Susie?"

"Can I borrow a pair of your tights, Jeffrey?"

"Certainly - what's mine is yours. We'll be a cute looking couple with butterflies going up both our legs."

"If anybody asks, we're wearing them to show our support for the giant swallowtail - they're an endangered species."

"Are we being sponsored?"

"Why not? Someone might be daft enough to give us a donation."

We finished our clothes swap and I picked up the discarded uniforms.

"Stuff these in your bag; we'd better not leave them lying around."

"Is that your only reason for wanting to keep them?"

"Well, I really liked us being a pair of schoolgirls," Susie.

"I know you did, Denise. We'll have a reprise sometime, but it'll have to be without the hats, I can't fit them in."

"It doesn't matter; they were my least favourite bit of the whole outfit. They're too big - I can't get up close to you with us both wearing them."

"We can take turns."

"No, I'd rather have ribbons in my hair or an Alice band. Some footballers wear them - do you suppose I could get away with one as Jeffrey?"

"Maybe if you walk around playing keepie-up in a baggy shirt, shorts and boots."

"I think I'll give it a miss, then."

"All clear, Susie."

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey, that Miss Dodd won't be able to get them back to school quick enough. She'll have everyone bending over for knicker inspection while she searches for the girl in the hot-pink underwear."

"In that case, we won't risk passing the bus station; I'm liable to give her an inadvertent flash, thanks to you. Come on, the quicker we get away from here the better."

"There's no need to run," Susie protested, "We'll only to draw attention to ourselves."

"I want to phone home as soon as possible. Your dad's right - you should always carry your mobile."

"What about you?"

"I never gave mum any cause for concern before this last week."

"Yes, you did."

"But it was a different kind of concern - not the sort you need a phone for. I was only upstairs in my bedroom."

We turned off at the next junction and I urged Susie along the deserted road.

"This is taking us down to the seafront. I don't want sand in my shoes on top of everything else."

"We're not going down on the beach; there's bound to be a phone box on the prom."

"I bet it's at the other end from where we are, Jeffrey."

"You can spend the time thinking what you're going to say."

"I thought you were ringing your mum."

"I think you should do the explaining; she left me in your care."

"I may have exaggerated the situation slightly."

"No, you didn't. I'm a helpless pawn at the mercy of a monstrous regiment of women."

"Now you're exaggerating."

"Not by much - I can never shift the blame onto you. I feel guilty trying and mum never believes me, anyway."

"I think, under the circumstances, she'll be more understanding than dad. We should definitely try her first."

"If we have to ring your house, use your uncle as an excuse. You said he lives here - wouldn't it be believable that you decided to pay him a visit?"

"Not after last time - I told you we had a slight contretemps."

"What's wrong with wanting to apologise for past misdeeds?"

"Dad will never swallow that. I'm not mad, Jeffrey."

"Yes, you are, Susie - you're completely bananas."

"And you're a coconut."

"No, I'm not. I'm a perfectly rational thinking machine - or I was until I met you."

"You were always eccentric."

"Only slightly so. I'm amazed I haven't gone completely bonkers with the trouble you attract. It's not natural."

"You're right there; it's something that puzzles me. Could it be a side effect of the excess animal magnetism I've been blessed with, Jeffrey?"

"I don't know about that."

"Yes, you do."

Susie backed up to a lamppost and pulled me into her.

"This is pretty captivating, but give over, before someone throws a bucket of water over us."

"All right, but I am full of animal magnetism, aren't I, Jeffrey?"

"There's no doubt about it, Susie," I purred. "Don't be surprised if, one morning, you wake up and find a squirrel stuck to your forehead."

 

Chapter 50

"Watch out!"

I pulled Susie back as a shower of water cascaded over the pavement.

Two matching scooters, sporting L-plates, swept past before skidding to a halt and waiting for us to come up to them.

"You daft buggers - you nearly drenched us," Susie yelled at the identically dressed riders.

"Sorry," the nearest one called over his shoulder. "Jump on and we'll dry you out by taking you for a spin."

"No thanks, we're spending the evening promenading."

"Careful what you say," I whispered. "That sounds a little dubious - you could be taken the wrong way."

"Look, they're congratulating themselves on their success with pulling us over," the second rider laughed to his friend.

"You have to hand it to them; those butterflies were winking like cat's-eyes in our headlights. Who could resist an offer like that?"

"See - they think we're putting ourselves in the shop window. Clear up any confusion, but avoid any mention of giant swallowtails."

"What I meant is we're out on a power walk. We're athletes," Susie stressed, "in serious training. We can't stop for anyone or we'll lose the benefit."

"Just what we're after - a pair of fit girls who can keep up with us. I think we know the kind of exercise you like."

"We certainly do," his pal sniggered. "it's time we got better acquainted."

They bumped their bikes up onto the pavement in front of us and blocked our path.

"Now see what you've done: Chip 'n Dale were watching us, back there. You and your blooming animal magnetism."

"You're putting out your fair share, Denise. Just wait - you'll be the one they're hitting on; they can't take their eyes off you."

"This is my reward for letting you make me look louche. It's all your fault."

"No, it's not. You were the one who mentioned squirrels."

"What the hell as that to do with it?" I spluttered.

"You know."

"No, I don't - and anyway, chipmunks aren't squirrels."

"Yes, they are."

"Not the kind I was thinking of."

"This is no time to be splitting squirrels: our enemies are upon us and they're unmasking."

"Ah, Susie," I gasped and hid behind her, "they're the lads I was performing for."

"Don't worry, leave everything to me - I won't stand for any nonsense."

The riders finished taking off their helmets and they were no longer twins. The dark-haired one gave a little bow and introduced himself.

"I'm Julian and this is my friend Sandy."

"Huuurrrhh."

He was disconcerted by my suppressed laugh as I buried my head in Susie's hair.

He turned to his mate who shrugged his shoulders at him. "Get on with it."

"Bless you," he finally managed. "We're knights of the road, always ready to help a pair of ladies in distress."

"We're not in distress and we're not ladies," Susie glared. "We're wimmin - stop giggling, Denise."

"You're friend looks like she's pleased to see us," Sandy smirked. "What's so funny, darling?"

"Nothing: it's a nervous reaction. You frightened me and I'm all of a tizz. I thought you were going to run us down."

"Bed you down's more what we had in mind, eh, Jules."

"Our little friend's way ahead of us; she's already half undressed herself."

"Don't you talk to Denise like that," Susie bridled. "Get out of our way. We haven't time to be bothered with the likes of you - we're late already."

"You're not only late, you're stranded - you've missed the school bus."

"I don't know what you're going on about."

"Yes, you do - and for your information, we've just escorted it out of town."

"You're hardly a pair of leather boys. You'd have trouble keeping up with a rickshaw on those put-puts."

"Don't be fooled by appearances, these babies have that little bit extra, eh, Sandy."

"Mine certainly has, I gave that driver a right fright - he nearly went into the ditch. I had the lot of them screaming away."

"Those snobby schoolgirls needed teaching a lesson,"

"And that old battle-axe with the whistle - we got her a free ride in a police car," Sandy sniggered.

"You're a couple of fantasists," Susie scoffed, "a real pair of Walter Mitties. You're the ones they would have arrested."

"We were too smart for them," Julian boasted. "We buggered off while the cops were dragging the silly old fool off Vince. They carted them both away."

"Blood was spilled, Jules, she busted Vince's nose."

"The mad biddy will have to pay compensation for that."

"Serves her right," Sandy gloated. "And it's only fair these two do the same for us or it could be the worse for them. What do you say?"

"Let's not be hasty - I have a feeling with a little persuasion they'll want to be our friends."

"No, we bloody won't - and you're talking nonsense. We left school last summer - we're working girls."

"Don't play the innocent. You're the girls from Saint Heloise's. I'd know you anywhere; it was you who gave me this black-eye."

"I can't see anything."

"Just there." He pointed to a small mouse on his cheek. "You hit me with your bag. I'm lucky that zipper didn't have my eye out."

Susie dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "Girls from Saint Heloise's have no time for men who complain over such piddling things."

"That's right," I put in, "we expect our men to be Abelards, otherwise we don't want to know."

"That's more like it - now we're talking. We can oblige them there, eh, Sandy."

"Not half, Jules."

They guffawed loudly, then squawked and bounced on their saddles in some daft laddish ritual.

"Now look what you've done," Susie hissed. "Will you give over with the insinuendoes and the giggling. Anyone would think you're hysterical with happiness at being chatted up."

"Listen to yourself - you're worse than me," I laughed in her ear.

"These are randy boys - behave yourself or you'll be getting happiness you didn't bargain for."

"I didn't mean to be suggestive," I whispered. "I was only relating the facts: Abelard was Heloise's lover and he was man enough not to moan when he ended up with no balls."

"What happened - did she cut them off - was he that Billy-Bob Abelard?"

"No, he was a monk - she was a nun - and her father had him denutted."

"Dad must have missed that in the News of the World; it's the sort of thing he would have read out as a not so subtle warning to me."

"Are you serious?"

"Semi - and so should you be if you're thinking about kicking our friends in the goolies."

"It's a possibility - and if we do, it'll be no laughing matter."

"Well then, what is so amusing?"

"It's their names that started me off. If I was called Julian, I wouldn't go around with a Sandy - it has nuances."

"What was that - did you call us nancies?"

"No, Denise said you were numpties."

"You're the only numpties around here. Your friend behaves as if she has the hots for us and then biff - you whack me on the head. What the hell were you playing at?"

"It serves you right for not treating women with more respect. You were mere pawns in a bigger game."

"You've bunked off for a night on the town - that's it, isn't it? Well, we're just the men you're looking for - jump on and we'll take you down the Bag of Nuts."

"You're only learners," Susie jeered. "You can't take passengers."

"And you wouldn't catch us in any place called the Bag of Nuts. We don't want any squirrel monkey business with boys like you."

"You won't get a better offer; this place is dead on a Monday night."

"We've already made our plans. Come on, Denise, let's be on our way."

"Look, we're the only people on the prom. If you don't want to bother with the courtship, we can get straight down to business in that shelter."

I gave Julian what I hoped was a contemptuous look and linked arms with Susie. "I'm sorry someone's expecting us - we have to be going."

"I think we're entitled to at least a kiss, don't you, Sandy?"

"Definitely - and especially from little Denise, after leading us on like that. One of those bloody teachers ran her shoe down my shin. It hurts like hell. I think she may have broken something."

Julian got out of his saddle and beckoned to Sandy. "Come on, see if you can walk it off."

They grinned at each other and circled round behind us.

"We'd better decide what we're going to do next," I whispered as we became trapped between them and their scooters.

"It couldn't have worked out better, Denise, the cocky buggers have delivered themselves slap-bang into our hands."

"I don't like the sound of that ..."

Susie shushed me and smiled across at the boys. "We have been playing hard to get, but it's all in the game. We don't want you to think we're pushovers - this is our first date, after all."

"There you are, Sandy, what did I tell you? A little sweet talk and patience works wonders. We won't rush you, girls - we've got all night."

"I have to be in by half ten, Jules."

"Shurrup, you dipstick."

Susie glided over to Julian's bike and caressed the seat. "Can I sit on, just to see how it feels?"

"Anything for you, darling. Once you're in the saddle you won't want to get off."

"My heart's set on a car, but it's such a long time to wait and so much money," Susie groaned. "Maybe I should settle for one of these."

"Give it a try. A brand new scooter's better than an old banger any day. She's a beauty, sports-styled and everything. Isn't that right, Sandy?"

"Exactly, Jules - just what I was thinking." He sidled up to me. "How about you, Denise - would you like to sit on mine?"

"I'll watch for now, thank you; I always let Susie test things out first."

I moved around to the other side of Julian's bike as Susie grabbed the handlebars and settled in the seat.

"Is this the clutch thingy?" Susie slowly ran her fingers over the rubber grip.

"It's fully automatic - twist and go."

"So, it's a doddle to ride."

"It is for someone with a flair for these things. I've only had it a week and I could pass my test tomorrow."

"Get on, Denise. See if you'd be comfortable with me chauffeuring you around."

"I don't think I would, Susie, it looks a little precarious."

"Give it a go," Sandy urged. "I've had plenty of girls up back and they've all enjoyed it."

"Here, I'll take your bag," Julian offered.

"No thanks, all our girly doodahs are in there. We're inseparable - like me and Susie."

I slung it over my shoulder, said a little prayer and sat on behind her.

"You're showing your knickers," Sandy laughed. "Are you coming over all horny again?"

"No, I'm not and I never was. We cheerleaders don't allow ourselves to be distracted by such low thoughts; we have to concentrate on our performance. We're artists - we paint the air with our bodies."

"I got the message loud and clear - you were panting for it."

"It was a ruse, that's all. We've been dared by some of the girls to spend a night on the town. I was fully in control of myself."

"I bet you do a great striptease; how about giving us a show later?"

"I was just acting the giddy goat. I'm only fourteen; I don't know anything about such things."

"Pull the other one," he leered and put his arm around my shoulder. "You can't wait to drop 'em; you've got the hots for me."

I grasped Susie round the waist. "Go on - do your worst - I'm ready when you are."

"Hold tight, I'll give it some revs. Let's see if it makes our bottoms tingle."

"That's right, get yourselves in the mood. I'll help." He ran his fingers down my back. "I can feel you vibrating already."

"Move it, Susie, his hand is like ice - he's about to coldly go where no man has gone before."

Vroooooom. Vroooooom.

"Heigh-ho, Silver, up, up and away," Susie whooped.

We shot forward, bounced over the kerb and roared off down the road.

"I hope this is really necessary, Susie?" I cried. "I wouldn't be at all surprised if we could have clobbered Julian and Sandy. Compared with what we've come up against lately, they were pretty puny specimens."

"We were in mortal danger back there, Denise - especially you, giggling away like that. I have a sixth sense about these things you haven't developed yet."

"I have a sixth sense you're obsessed with the internal combustion engine. I suppose this is your first time on a motorbike."

"Correct - and I'm carrying L-plates. What more could you want?"

"A pair of crash helmets for starters. Get down a side street and let's dump this bike before we're pulled over by the police."

"No can do, Jeffrey. I've just had a glance in the mirror - they're hot on our tails. Have a look for yourself."

"I'm hanging on like grim death. I'm not turning round. I wish we'd kicked them in the balls and scarpered. A couple of couch potatoes like that would never have caught us."

"Running away is undignified This'll show those yobs we're not the sort of girls to take things lying down."

"That's all very well, but have you worked out what our exit strategy's going to be?"

"Put your trust in my superior scooter handling skills, Jeffrey. I feel at one with this machine."

"Just make sure we don't get mangled up in it."

"I sincerely hope not, Susie. How are we doing? I can't see a thing - I've my head buried in your hair."

"They're not gaining on us, Jeffrey - they're losing ground if anything."

"It's not surprising - they're getting on for twice our weight and we're on identical machines."

"You're right, what we need is a long steep hill."

"You've as much chance of finding a sloping lake around here. Head for the town centre - as a last resort we can get ourselves a taxi."

"We're going in the wrong direction, Jeffrey. Should I execute an emergency turn and double back."

"No, don't do that," I screamed. "Keep going with the sea on your right. Then at least, they'll be chasing us home."

"Suits me: I'm enjoying the ride. I may have underestimated the pleasure of two wheels. I'll have to talk to dad."

"There's no way I'm being your biker-girl, Susie. It's scary holding on, back here."

"Would you feel safer in a sidecar?"

"Hurtling along with my bum half an inch off the ground - you must be joking."

"Brace yourself - S-bend coming up. Wheeeeeeeee! I'm really fancying this," she cried, as we swung from one side to the other.

"Ah, Susie, don't do that again," I pleaded, after I'd righted myself.

"You know what, we could buy one of these tomorrow out of our winnings and be instantly mobile."

"Forget about that - you'll be squandering your money. We'll both save up and I'll go halves in a car with you."

"Are you feeling okay, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, I'm not. This cycle wasn't built for two. My bottom was slip-sliding away through that last corner."

"Never mind - we're on the straight and narrow now. Don't you find having the wind in your hair is an exhilarating experience?"

"Not when it's also whistling up my Khyber after taking a shortcut through the Trossachs."

"We aren't going that fast; I'm giving it full throttle and I've only got her to thirty-five."

"It feels more like a hundred and five to me, Susie."

"I can't slow down; they're still tagging doggedly along, but we're pulling away."

"Let's hope we can break the elastic and they get discouraged enough to call off the chase."

"I don't want to alarm you, but they may know something I've just found out."

I lifted my head and risked a quick glance up the road. "This isn't another dead end, is it?"

"No, but it might as well be, because we're running on empty. It looks like we're in for a showdown, Jeffrey. You'd better make ready to pull on the boxing gloves."

"Are you sure - isn't there an emergency tank or something?"

"Oh, there it goes."

The engine gave a warning cough before it burst back into full power and took us speeding past a golf course.

"Follow that car to the clubhouse, Susie. Now seems a good time to apply for junior membership."

"I don't think they'll be taking us seriously, Jeffrey."

"It doesn't matter once we get inside. Golfers are supposed to be chivalrous chaps with a code of honour and all that. They'll spring to the defence of two damsels in distress."

"Aren't you confusing them with lorry drivers, Jeffrey? Maybe we should try for a pull-in further along the road."

"I don't want to appear a snob, but Denise would rather take her chance with a golfer."

"Now that dad's taken it up, mum says there's nothing to choose between the golf crowd and the rugger lot."

"I can't believe that, Susie."

"It's true, but she's encouraging him because she thinks it's better to be a golf widow than a real widow."

"Well, golf would get my vote any day. They should have more non-contact sports at school - like bowls and tiddlywinks."

"And driving lessons - not that I really need them."

Susie swung us to the right and we swept down the path, picking up speed as we raced towards a group of parked cars.

"Fore!" I cried in panic.

"Bloody hell!"

A man abandoned his golf bag and dived back into his four-by-four.

"Sorry," Susie shouted, before bumping over his clubs and careering straight through a flowerbed onto the first tee.

"What are you doing? You've overshot and upset a member into the bargain. He'll blackball us for sure."

"The twist thing's stuck; I may have been overenthusiastic trying to get a bit more speed out of her."

"You've done it now - using a golf course for a racetrack. There'll be a reception committee waiting for us at the nineteenth hole."

"Don't worry, she can't go on much longer, she'll soon stop of her own accord."

"Let's hope we've disappeared into the rough first; I sense Julian and Sandy are still in pursuit."

"Hold tight, Jeffrey, I'm about to make our weight advantage tell - we're on our way up."

"Don't do that," I yelled.

"Too late - there's no turning back now."

"This isn't a hill, Susie - it's a bunker."

"Well, it's a bloody big one, Jeffrey."

"And there'll be no easy way down the other side once we're over the top."

"Whooooooaaaaahhhh."

"There isn't another side, Jeffrey - we're flying. Hang on."

"I've left my stomach behind, Susie."

"Whooooooaaaaahhhh. Whooooooaaaaahhhh."

Thuuuummmp, thuuummp.

"My stomach's caught up with me, Susie."

"Well, hold on to it because we're not finished yet, Jeffrey."

A shower of sand flew up from our back wheel. The engine gave one last splutter and we skidded over the wet grass before finally coming to a halt.

"God, that was scary, Susie," I breathed, when I found the strength to unwind myself from her.

"I have to admit my legs are a bit wobbly, Jeffrey."

I staggered off and grasped the flag for support.

"I think this may be our most serious crime so far. Look at the mess we've made of the green; they must have a problem with the drainage."

"Bugger that," Susie exclaimed as she surveyed the huge bunker we'd come over. "What about my giant leap for womankind - and my two-point landing? We didn't even need to fasten our seat-belts."

"I have to admit, it was a perfect manoeuvre, perfectly executed."

"There's no need to go overboard, Jeffrey, I can't take all the credit. I don't mind admitting there was a slight element of luck in it."

"Let's hope we've more ..."

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh."

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh."

Our pursuers appeared over the top of the bunker and soared towards us.

"It looks like they're still lacking the right attitude, Jeffrey."

"They've stalled; it's going to be a bumpy landing."

Thuuuummmp, thuuummp. The scooter crashed into the ground.

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh."

"Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh."

And threw the riders off the back. Thuuummpity, thuuummpity.

"Ooooooffff."

"Ooooooffff."

"They definitely under clubbed, Susie."

"And landed smack bang in the middle of the sand trap. That's an awkward lie, wouldn't you say, Jeffrey."

"Not awkward enough - watch out, they're getting up."

"I don't feel like running. How about you prod them into submission with the flag if they give us any trouble."

"It's bendy plastic, Susie - not an ideal poking weapon."

"I think you could manage with a limp stick of celery, Jeffrey."

Splaaaattt.

"I might not have to - there's dissension in the enemy camp."

Sandy had dumped Julian flat on his backside.

"You've wrecked my bike, you bloody fool."

"Don't call me a fool. You were the one who unbalanced us - screaming like a damn girl. If we hadn't been carrying so much weight, ..."

"You've no room to talk - you egg on legs."

"You're a bloody wanker," Sandy lashed out with his foot.

Julian caught it and yanked him to the ground. "Says who."

"Oooff."

Sandy belly-flopped on his friend and they rolled back down into the bunker.

"I don't want you witnessing this, Denise, it's unseemly - let's make tracks. Which way should we go?"

"In the opposite direction from the seawall and towards the streetlights."

"Impeccable reasoning as always, Jeffrey - lead on."

"Okay - and be careful, we don't want to put our feet down a rabbit-hole."

"I wouldn't want to risk your ability to walk in high-heels; you'd better let me go first."

An image suddenly flashed through my mind. "Oh, Susie you've broken my dream ..."

"Don't stop, I'll interpret it for you."

"Well, ..."

"Was I in it, Jeffrey?"

"Prominently."

"Ah, I understand why you're reluctant - it was one of those dreams."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do. It's all right; I don't mind. It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's the most natural thing in the world."

"Not in this case, Susie - you were a giant white rabbit."

"Then follow me, Alice, if you don't want to be left at the mercy of Tweedledum and Tweedledee."

We cut across the course and headed for the road. I glanced back at the two furious figures still battling in the sand.

"You're right, Susie, I don't know what people see in that wrestling stuff."

"I'm in total agreement; it's gross."

"I'll tell you what, though - I'd pay to watch us having a grapple."

"We can get a big mirror ..."

"Later, Susie, or we'll be exiting pursued by a hoard of angry golfers."

I could see torch beams flashing into the sky from the direction of the clubhouse.

"I hope they don't take up the chase, Jeffrey - that scooter isn't the only thing that was running on empty."

"They'll find two bikes and two squabbling riders - that should be enough for them. They're not going to believe any protestations of innocence from that pair."

"How many points do you think it'll be on their licences?"

"A good few, Susie, I expect the magistrates are all members. They'll take a hard line with anyone vandalising their golf course."

"Maybe Julian and Sandy will get to spend a night in the cells with Miss Dodd. That would round things off nicely."

"You and your obsession with menages a trois, Susie."

 

Chapter 51

"Oh, give it a rest; I don't want to be walking down the road with you singing that."

"You should be joining in, Denise. I saved you from a fate worse than death."

I followed Susie through the gap in the hedge and we set off into town.

"I don't think we were in so much danger, Susie. Julian and Sandy on scooters - how threatening could that be?"

"What is it about those names and the nuances you mentioned?"

"You're sadly lacking with regard to our comedy heritage, Susie. If you listened to the stuff on Radio 7, you wouldn't be able to take a Julian and a Sandy seriously."

"I'm not prejudiced by comedy stereotypes; I see much deeper into people, luckily for you."

"There aren't many Julians playing rugby league and there aren't any in the scrap metal business."

"You should know better than to believe people grow into their names; Jeffrey's a strong masculine name - no ambiguity there - and look at you."

"Trustworthy, reliable and too generous for my own good - need I say more? Every other inch a Jeffrey."

"I suppose you also believe people turn into their dogs."

"No, but they choose one which matches their personality."

"You won't be getting a pit bull terrier, then."

"I won't be buying a poodle, either. Right, monkey."

"Will you give over - they'll think we're a couple of drunks rolling down the street."

"Walk properly, then."

"I'm swaying along as Denise. It was you who insisted I put the high heels back on. I know you only did it because you hope they'll slow me down."

"Nonsense - I like seeing you strut along in them, but I think you may be overdoing it."

"No, I'm not. This has become my natural gait. Those tight skirts have worked wonders."

"You're not wearing a tight skirt."

"I am mentally."

"It's affecting your running as well. I've had plenty of opportunities to observe your bum in full flight; it's like watching the red, red robin bob-bob-bobbing along."

"I'm not surprised: on the rugger field, I was always being jeered at for running like a girl."

"Don't be upset, Jeffrey, they were ignorant yobs who didn't know any better."

"It was the teacher, Susie."

"Well, he overstepped the mark; you should have reported the bugger for verbal abuse."

"I may have exasperated him by running in the opposite direction to the ball. With my natural turn of speed, he had high hopes for me at full-back."

"Aren't they the ones who stand firm in the face of onrushing forwards? Dad's always pleased when he's clobbered one - he cuts a notch in the bedpost."

"Quite - you're expected to dive at their feet and laugh while the brutes kick you black and blue."

"Dad's not a brute, Jeffrey, he wouldn't kick you - not deliberately - and they're wouldn't be any malice in it."

"They live by a different set of rules on the rugby field, Susie. They expect you to tackle them by thrusting your head up their bum. Stick out your foot and trip them like any sensible person would and they go crying to the referee. They're eager to dish it out, but they can't take it."

"Rugby's not your game, Jeffrey; you'll be much happier with me beside you and a shuttlecock coming your way."

"Maybe, but what'll make me happy right now is finding a phone box before they send out search parties for us. I want to be back home, tucked up in bed before we collapse from exhaustion."

"Then summarise up your strength for one last effort, Jeffrey. We may have been blown off course, but we're not dismayed. We'll soldier on undaunted."

"When did you turn into a stoic? I don't remember you being this philosophical when you were moaning about your blisters."

"I'd walk bare-footed over red-hot coals for you, Jeffrey."

"That's a trick; anyone can do it - especially if their feet are as sweaty as you say yours are."

"I said no such thing. In normal circumstances, you could eat your dinner off my feet - and any other part of my body, come to that."

"I'm sure you exude a sweet fragrance from every pore, Susie."

"You can nuzzle anywhere you like, Jeffrey - you won't be disappointed."

"I'll check you out in the phone box when you've done a bit more exuding. Come on, pick your feet up - I'll show you how to run in high-heels."

I put my arm around Susie's waist and hurried her down the street.

"More haste less speed, Jeffrey," she puffed when we turned the corner. "There's no need to rush; it's not like we know where we're going."

"Okay, but no more serenading your exploits to the rooftops when you get your breath back. Modesty is definitely a virtue in this case - let's keep it to ourselves."

"Now that I've had time to think about it, I wonder if you truly appreciate the magnitude of my accomplishment."

"Which one?"

"The nifty piece of bike handling. Finishing upright, smack dab in the middle of the green, after soaring like an eagle took some doing. I must have a special gift."

"I hope you aren't entertaining any ideas about jumping over a bus."

"Actually, Jeffrey, I was thinking more along the lines of the usual reward for a hole in one. You haven't forgotten about offering to go halvsies."

"I'm a man of my word, Susie - even when uttered in a time of great stress. We'll open a joint account and start saving for your car."

"I knew you'd eventually come round to my way of thinking, Jeffrey. I'm so happy I just have to sing."

"Well, no more motorbiking songs, please."

"Turned out nice again, Susie."

"It's ringing and ringing," I fretted. "Where can mum be? If she doesn't hear from me soon, she'll be reporting us as missing persons." I handed Susie the phone. "Call your house, maybe she's gone round there."

Susie slowly punched in the number. "I hope not, Jeffrey, dad may not be in the mood to hear your mum praise my sterling qualities. I wouldn't be surprised if he took a perverse pleasure in disillusioning her."

"He'll have his work cut out, believe me. Sometimes I think you've hypnotised both of us."

"Don't be silly, Jeffrey, I'll be really upset if dad spoils things; your mum has such a touching faith in me."

"I know, Susie."

"And I value her judgment, Jeffrey, it's nice to be treated as the trustworthy, mature, young woman I am."

"Right - and my arse is a pancake covered in golden syrup."

"There's no need to be coarse; that's not the kind of talk I expect to hear from Denise."

"Well, you've only yourself to blame: thanks to sensible Susie, I've spent the day in a short skirt and unsuitable underwear, being hounded by a veritable menagerie - it's enough to give anyone the pip."

"You should have learnt to take these things in your stride by now and not let them cloud your judgement."

"I'm sorry: you are trustworthy in the big things where it truly matters."

"That's better."

"But you're definitely not mature - you're ... you're florescent."

"Like a light bulb ..."

"Well, more ..."

"There's no need to explain, I know exactly what you mean - dad used to call me his little super-trouper."

"He's a big Abba fan, is he? That's ..."

"Shush, someone's answering."

"Tell the truth, Susie, but not the whole truth."

"Leave it to me, Jeffrey, we'll come out of this smelling like geniuses."

"Just make sure mum gets the message that I'm all right. Don't ..."

"It's me dad. We missed the last ferry."

"We're both in the pink - tell her not to worry."

"Is mum there?"

Susie nodded and passed across the phone. "Here say something to reassure her."

"I'm fine mum. You haven't called the police or anything, have you?"

"No reason - no reason at all. We've just had transport problems - it's been one thing on top of another."

"Don't be so modest, Jeffrey, tell your mum we were delayed by having to save a man's life. We're heroes," Susie shouted down the line.

"Reluctant ones," I quickly explained. "We were minding our own business and Susie deserves all the credit - I only watched."

"We'd probably be getting a medal if we hadn't remained anonymous. We stole silently away because we didn't want our names in the paper." Susie straightened up and whispered in my ear. "There, how was that?"

"Shut up, you're stirring things," I hissed. "Honest, mum, you've nothing to worry about. On the whole, we've had a very relaxing day apart from one or two unexpected incidents."

"No, nothing serious, little inconveniences - they're hardly worth mentioning. I'll tell you when I get home - we're running out of change and Susie wants to speak to her dad."

"What did you say that for? You were doing fine."

"It's your house we're calling and you said to leave it to you. Mum was starting to ask awkward questions."

"Give it here, I suppose I'd better take care of the tricky bits."

Susie took the phone and listened in silence.

"What's going on?" I whispered.

"He's getting a few things of his chest; I'm just being patient and waiting for the right moment."

"That doesn't sound too promising."

"I know what I'm doing. Shush, it's my turn now." Susie took a deep breath before continuing. "Actually, dad, we're not at the ferry. We've moved a bit further north."

"Heycambe."

"By the Isle of Man ferry."

"Susie," I whispered, "too many details."

"It's okay," she grinned, putting her hand over the receiver, "he says he's not even going to ask. This is easy-peasy; I think I must have worn him down over the years."

"Something else I have in common with your dad."

Susie smirked, gave me a pat on the head and turned her attention back to the phone. "How long will it be before you get here?"

I smiled in relief and strained to hear his answer, but the only sound was of Susie shuffling her feet.

"What's going on - have you been cut off?"

Susie put her hand over the mouthpiece. "There's an ominous silence, Jeffrey."

"Well, say something, then."

"I know how to handle him - I'm responding with my own ominous silence."

"Don't be so daft. If you both keep that up, we'll all be getting the blooming pips."

"Shush, I've won," she grinned. "He's back." The smile soon faded from her face. "No, it's not a good idea," she spluttered. "Don't make us do that."

"What's the matter?" I asked anxiously.

"Dad's not going to pick us up."

"Never mind, mum will come."

"He has an alternative plan; he's going to arrange for us to stay in Heycambe overnight."

"Mum won't have anything to do with that, She'll want me home where she can keep an eye on me. Give it here - I'll soon sort this out."

Susie passed over the phone; mum was already talking before I got a chance to speak.

"Yes, very kind of him," I mumbled. "It will save you a long drive - and if you're tired."

"No, there's nothing wrong; it's just that I've never spent a night away from you before. Will you be all right on your own?"

"That's fine, then," I lied. "Love you, mum," I mumbled. "Here, Susie, your dad's back on. He wants to give you your instructions."

"Bugger, Jeffrey, bed and breakfast at Uncle Frank and Aunt Rose's." Susie put the phone down in disgust. "I don't deserve this - it's not like I've crashed the car or anything."

"I thought I was her world," I muttered to myself.

"What are you going on about?"

"Mum's deserted me," I moaned.

"No, she hasn't - she's passing you on to me. That's how it should be."

"Yes, but not right now. She would never have contemplated such a thing - abandoning me late at night in a strange town in a telephone box. This is all your dad's doing; he's had undue influence on her. Just wait until we shake hands again."

"I thought that was an accident."

"It won't be next time; I'm going to perfect the grip."

"Okay, but don't blame your mum. Dad would have painted a glowing picture of the hospitality we're about to receive."

"I don't want to be spending a night at your uncle's. How did you let your dad talk you into it?"

"If he won't come for us, I hadn't much choice. I could hardly suggest we book into a hotel as Mr and Mrs Smith."

"There's another thing - we don't even know who your uncle and aunt are expecting - Jeffrey or Denise."

"That's a minor problem."

"Not to me, it isn't."

"Sorry, I only meant you'll turn up as Denise and they'll have to accept the evidence of their own eyes."

"What if they're expecting, Jeffrey? That's what mum called me on the phone."

"We'll easily convince them dad got confused. Uncle Frank's the grave older brother - he's always thought dad was a bit flaky."

"What does he think about you?"

"What do you mean? I've left him in no doubt I'm up to snuff."

"I can believe that. Doesn't he know what he's letting himself in for?"

"He's doing his duty, Jeffrey; he takes it seriously being head of the family. I'll have to watch myself or I could finally scupper my chances of getting a car for my birthday. He's a nark with a face like a book of rules," Susie groaned. "He'll exaggerate any little transgressions when he reports back to dad."

"We'd better not burn his house down, then," I grinned.

"Don't be flippant, Jeffrey, I could easily end up a permanent pedestrian. Things just seem to happen - and that was without you around. I feel in double jeopardy now. I'm bound to blot my copybook with him again."

"What did you do last time?"

"I broke Trevor's foot amongst other things."

"Who's Trevor?"

"His son."

"You didn't drop the little chap when you were babysitting, did you?"

"He's twenty-two; I drove over it. He was only wearing flip-flops, but he needn't have kicked up such a fuss. You'd have thought I'd flattened him with a steamroller."

"What was it, then - a tractor?"

"No," Susie snorted. "Aunt Rose's teeny-weeny Noddy car. I could have run over his head and done no damage - tyres are only made of rubber, after all. I told him: 'it's your own fault - it was the awkward way you were standing'."

"It would have been tactful to show more sympathy than that."

"Maybe, but he needn't have gone hopping straight to Uncle Frank with his troubles. He should have shown some solidarity with me and suffered in silence - like the tortoise did."

"I don't want to hear any more. Just tell me if we're likely to meet him tonight - is he still living at home?"

"As far as I know - and so is the tortoise. Once I levered him out of the ground, he scuttled away like nobody's business. He could have given the hare a run for his money."

"He had more sense than me, then."

"I know when not to take you seriously," Susie smiled.

"Let this skirt down," I sighed. "I think it's best if I try to appear at least half-way decent."

"You're right, Jeffrey, lift your top up - I wouldn't want to have to break Trevor's other leg. Denise has a tendency to attract undesirable attention."

"I don't do it on purpose."

"No need to apologise, it's only natural you like to flirt a bit."

"Only with you."

"He won't know that. Budge up over there."

I pressed up against the side to give Susie room to fiddle with the waistband and work my skirt down.

"It's still above the knee."

"It won't go any lower. You'll have to conduct yourself with modesty."

"Has he got a girlfriend?"

"Not the last I heard."

"Perhaps that's because he doesn't want one."

"I'm afraid it's a case of 'If girls like that like boys like that, then why don't girls like me?' He's always being disappointed, but he never gives up trying."

"Well, the first chance you get, let him know I'm only fourteen and my mum's a policewoman. That should nip in the bud any stirrings he might have."

"I thought you disapproved of my story telling."

"I'll make an exception in this case - anything for a quiet night."

Baaaannnng. Baaaannnng.

"How long are you going to be in there? I want to make a call. It's not a changing room, you know."

"He's been ogling us, Denise."

"It's our own fault, Susie - people in glass booths shouldn't show off their erogenous zones. Take your hand off my bottom and let's exit with dignity."

A dishevelled man pushed past us as we left the box. "About time - I hope you've left it as you found it," he grunted before closing the door.

"He's got a sleeping bag with him."

"I thought there was a lived-in smell about that place, Susie, but I didn't like to say anything."

"Me too, Jeffrey - it just goes to show we're both old-fashioned English gentlemen."

"If mum had known I'd be standing underneath a lamppost by the dockyard gates, wearing a short skirt, risque tights, red high heels and clocking every car that goes past, she'd have been out here before you could say Jack Robinson."

"Or Lili Marlene."

"Exactly! I don't know what your dad was thinking of. He's lucky I daren't tell mum about this or she'd have his guts for garters."

"It would have been more comfortable waiting in a Macdonald's, but we can't wander too far from the phone box; Uncle Frank's expecting to find us here."

"And where is he? He's taking his time about it."

"It's a fair distance to come. Don't worry, we're respectable girls in a respectable part of town - they've done wonders with the waterfront."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I suppose it would have been better if you hadn't made me dump my trousers. This outfit comes up a bit short in the power dressing stakes."

"I meant about this being a respectable part of town. I'm sure some of those cars have been past more than once."

"You're imagining things. There'd be other girls hanging around if it was that sort of place."

"We're on the corner of Dock Street and Sidings Road if you hadn't noticed. I'm only surprised this isn't a big red light over our heads."

"I suppose Monday could be their day off after a hectic weekend. You'd better stop looking at the cars in case you send the wrong message. We'll face the wall and take no interest in them."

"What if we miss your uncle?"

"We won't; he'll be looking out for us. Anyway, he has a very distinctive car and you'll have no trouble recognising him."

"Why - is he like your dad, Susie?"

"Just the opposite. He's a bit of a pseud; he has intellectual pretensions - like you, Jeffrey."

"Mine aren't pretensions, Susie."

"Yes they are: you lie in bed thinking too much, that's all."

"Not any more, I don't. I seem to be forever on the go. What I need is a bit of peace and quiet with my feet up."

"I have some sympathy with you there, Jeffrey. It's a wonder I'm not going 'beep-beep' after all the running around we've done."

"At least your uncle won't be chasing us. I don't mind if he shows off his knowledge; you can always learn by listening. I can think of a lot worse ways to end the night. There's no need to always be doing something, Susie."

"Yes, there is."

"That's all very well, Jeffrey, but don't take things to extremes. I think you'd be happy watching cat crap crust over."

"Say what you like, it'll be relaxing to sit back and hear someone drone on about nothing in particular."

"Then Aunt Rose is the woman for you."

"She's a chatterbox is she, Susie?"

"More an incessant monologist."

"I liked granddad reading them to me. Does she do Albert and the Lion and Brown Boots?"

"No such luck - hers never come to a conclusion. They meander on without rhyme or reason. We've had the saga of the orthopaedic shoes, the adventure of the flock wallpaper, the scandal of the local vicar and the bank manager ..."

"That sounds more interesting."

"That's what mum hoped, but it morphed into a story about a lost umbrella and a packet of cough drops and went on and on and on."

"I still won't complain after the day I've had. I've always liked being read to. Has she a nice soothing voice?"

"You must be joking, Jeffrey - it's an assault with a lethal weapon. She exhausts you with her talking. We all dread her visits."

"I can't believe you just sit and listen."

"I don't. It's funny; sometimes she's okay until some little thing triggers her off. I keep asking questions until I hit the spot, then I disappear and leave mum and dad at her mercy."

"Oh, Susie."

"I can't help myself, Jeffrey, the temptation's too great."

"All the more reason to resist."

"It serves dad right for boring us with his rugby exploits. What's worse is he's mixing in golf stories now. And they're really tedious - nobody gets their ear bitten off in them."

"I'm surprised you don't feel some sympathy for your uncle, then."

"You won't be, once you've met him."

"An intellectual having to suffer the random witterings of a gabby female. It might be worth finding out how he copes."

"Very nicely: they have an understanding. Aunt Rose only inflicts herself on her hosts and her visitors - so don't set her off by admiring the soft furnishings."

"You've no worries there - I don't even know what they are."

"Horse feathers, Denise, I expect to find you ruching away, any day now."

"Duck soup and coconuts to you, Susie."

"Just mark my words, Jeffrey - don't ask any questions, don't comment on her clothes or the curtains or the colour scheme - in fact don't show an interest in anything."

"Isn't that going to appear rude?"

"Just stick to polite yeses and noes - try not to give her any opening. I'll say you're shy in strange ..."

Paaaarrrp. Paaaarrrp. Paaaarrrp. I jumped and turned to see a car had drawn up at the kerb.

I started towards it with relief. "At last," I sighed. "I hope you'll let your dad know the danger he's exposed us to."

Susie put a hand on my shoulder. "Come back, Jeffrey, that isn't Uncle Frank."

 

Chapter 52

"He's waving us over, Susie. He's not going away."

"It's your fault for showing an interest. Stay put - you've probably accidentally hooked one of those kerb-crawlers - don't go hauling him in."

"What did I tell you? I just knew this would happen," I whined and scampered behind Susie. "Do something - you're in charge."

"Keep calm and be careful what you say. Don't lead him on. No indulging in your seaside postcard stuff."

"At times, you leave me completely lost for words; I think it's sheer punus envy on your part."

"I shouldn't allow that, Jeffrey, but I'll overlook it on this occasion, in the hope you've got it out of your system."

"I have. You're welcome to do all the talking from now on."

The driver leaned over and lowered the passenger window. "Are you girls looking for a lift?"

"No thanks," Susie smiled, "we're waiting for our uncle to pick us up."

"You're doing it again," I hissed in her ear. "Watch what you say - there's something slightly shady about an uncle - granddad would have been better."

"We've had enough trouble with fictitious granddads. Uncle Frank's a pillar of the community; he's beyond reproach."

"But he doesn't know that. I don't want to be anyone's niece while I'm dressed like this."

"You're getting confused with sugar daddies. We'll be okay as long as we avoid any double entendres and you don't bend over."

"Why would I do that?" I spluttered.

"What are you whispering about - are you marvelling at the size of my car? I bet it puts your uncle's to shame. I can fit you both on the front seat - no trouble."

"You're on double yellow lines," Susie scowled. "You'd better drive on before you get into trouble."

"I think I can cover any fines." He drew out a fifty-pound note from a stuffed wallet. "Let me tickle those butterflies and this is yours for starters."

"Aw, he's serious, Susie, don't start arguing, he'll think you're negotiating with him. Let's cross over."

Susie caught my arm and pulled me to her. "We're standing our ground. Bugger off, you're upsetting my little sister."

"You shouldn't have her parading around dressed up as schoolgirl, then."

"She's not dressed up as schoolgirl - she is a schoolgirl."

"Come over here and we can talk about your further education."

"Ignore him, Denise, we'll take down his number - that'll show we mean business."

"Here you are, darling, write it on this." He crumpled the fifty-pound note and threw it at me. "That should make a nice down payment."

"Ah, Susie, I've caught it," I cried.

"What did you do that for? You're compromising us."

"I couldn't help it; I've always taken pride in having the finest pair of hands in school. I was the best one on the cradle."

"What are you saying, Denise?"

"I never spilled a catch," I muttered. "I was a fool to myself because it gave that swine of a sports master an excuse to make me field at silly point, but I showed ..."

"Will you quit jabbering and get rid of it."

"I can't throw money away, Susie, that's your job - here you take it."

"Don't involve me. If dad gets even a whisper of this, I'm sunk. Chuck it back at him."

"Here, we don't want it." I lobbed the note through the car window.

"Too late, you accepted it. You can't withdraw from this kind of a deal. I've started so we'll have to finish. Here, be a good girl and there's plenty more where this came from."

He threw it straight back to me. I caught it again.

"Stop catching the damn thing, Denise. What did I tell you about encouraging him?"

"I don't know what else to do."

"It's no good playing ping-pong with it. Show him who's the boss and shove it down his seat."

I screwed up the money and hesitantly leant towards the car.

"That's right, angel, eyes down." He grabbed my arm and yanked me in through the window. "I'm all ready for you."

I hooked my arm over the roof and prevented myself going headfirst into his lap.

"Eaargh, get me out, Susie," I yelled. "You won't believe what he's doing. The man has no shame."

"Come on, love, don't leave it all to me - lend a hand. I've greased your palm, now keep your side of the bargain."

I struggled and I was jerked in and out of the window while he jerked away at himself on the front seat.

"Hurry up, Susie, it's a dingdong battle in here and I'm losing."

"I'm on my way - keep giving as good as you get."

"Are you joking?" I pressed against the door and tried to pull myself out. "Aargh, my top's riding up, he's going to get an eyeful any second - and so am I."

"Don't' titillate him, Denise, fight him - death before dishonour."

"There's no need to go to extremes - let's find a third way."

Susie grabbed me around the waist. "I've got you. He won't win this tug-of-war."

"You'll give yourself a heart attack," I cried as he again tried to drag me across his lap. "Help, Susie - his veins are sticking out and he's going purple."

"Don't look at it, Denise, that's exactly what he wants. You're arousing him all the more. He's obviously one of those exhibitionists."

"I meant his face. Oh, now his eyes are rolling up. He's about to burst a blood vessel; we'll be having another corpse on our hands. I'll never get away," I cried in panic. "I'll be caught in his death-grip. What's mum going to say?"

"You've gone from purple to puce," Susie yelled at the man. "That's a red alert. I know about this stuff; I've got a certificate. Give over, or the next thing you'll be shaking hands with is a culinary trombonist."

"Thanks for your concern, dear, but there's no need to worry about me. I'm full of Viagra; I've never felt better."

"Things aren't so funny from my perspective, Susie. You're not going to down him with your malapropisms."

"Laughter's a powerful weapon: it was worth a try - I thought an involuntary guffaw might weaken his grip."

"It's time to get serious. You'll have to take more direct action - and please - hurry up. Matters are coming to a head."

"Hang in there, Denise." She opened the rear door and clambered onto the back seat. "Once I get to grips with him, it'll soon be all over."

"You're welcome to join us - the more the merrier."

"This is your last chance," I threatened as he pulled me closer. "Susie will show you no mercy; she's one of those militant feminists."

"Bugger, Denise, he's bald - I was going to pull his hair. I can't choke him with his tie either."

"Give up and enjoy it with me, darling, your friend isn't going to help you."

"Let go! You won't be so happy after a dose of her pepper spray."

"I haven't got any ..."

"Well, the mace or whatever you call it," I panted as I made a mighty effort to put more daylight between my head and his lap. "This is an emergency - we're fully justified."

"Hey, what are you doing back there - that tickled?"

"It's no good hitting him with a soft shoe, Susie, lay into him with your chemical weapons. He's had fair warning."

"But ... "

"Just spray the bugger - you've used enough of it today and it's never failed us yet."

"Okay, Denise, I don't know what effect it'll have, but at least you'll come out of this smelling of roses. Here goes."

"Hey, there's no need for that."

The man twisted around, but Susie had already dug out her trusty Obsession and directed a long burst into his lap.

"Burn, baby, burn."

"Not there! In his bloody eyes where it'll do some good."

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhh!" He let out a terrifying scream before Susie had a chance to switch targets.

"Oh god, Denise, there's a fire down below - everything's erupting. It's like Mount Vesuvius and Viagra Falls all rolled into one."

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhh! What have you done to me?"

He released my arm and I stumbled back away from the door as the engine burst into life.

"Get out, Susie," I yelled, "before he takes you with him."

She tumbled onto the pavement as the car jumped forward before screeching away.

"Oooff - oof. Catch me, Jeffrey."

"I've got you." I grabbed Susie by the shoulders as she fell backwards at my feet. "Are you okay?"

"Fine, Jeffrey, I'm like a rubber ball; I've come bouncing back to you. I knew I'd be in safe hands."

"You never spoke a truer word, Susie. If you'd let me finish, I'd have told you I caught out the sports master first ball when he made me field at silly point. That wiped the smile off his face."

I helped her to her feet and we watched the car career away down the road.

"We bowled this one middle stump, Jeffrey. We well and truly discomknockerated him. When he tangled with us, he bit off more than he could chew."

"I wouldn't have wanted to do it his way, Susie; you have my heartfelt thanks."

"The cheek of the bugger, thinking he could buy the favours of an upright young girl like you."

"Ah look, he's sideswiped a lamppost with the open door. We don't want the police involved - I hope he misses those bollards."

"I bloody hope he crushes a couple. Look, there goes number one."

There was a smashing of glass, the car lurched over alarmingly, righted itself and bounced off another post before finally disappearing around the corner.

"It's a good job you didn't spray him in the eyes or we might have been vital witnesses to a serious traffic accident."

Susie picked up the bottle of Obsession and looked at it wonderingly.

"The funny thing is, Jeffrey, I'm sure I saw blisters pop up on his thingy and they were hardly shrieks of ecstasy - he was in real pain."

"He thought he was being sprayed with mace, Susie."

"I know, but is it really that bad a perfume?"

"It was all in his mind. Surely, you're familiar with the relevant psychological phenomenon."

"I probably am, Jeffrey - what is it?"

"It's like when you show a person a glowing hot iron, blindfold them and then touch their arm with only piece of cold metal. Bingo - screams and blisters. The body's defence system has been fooled into making an emergency response."

"Of course, Jeffrey - the power of suggestion is what we call it. I have to admit you're pretty well up on the psychological stuff for a layman."

"Thank you, Susie, it's nice to be complimented by a professional."

"It's a good job I am because I might have been tempted to try something like that on Mikey in my more irresponsible days."

"Thank goodness you've put those behind you."

"It'd be an interesting experiment, though - but I couldn't inflict it on him."

"I suppose you could try the Nelson trick," I suggested, as we settled back against the wall.

"I should frown on this sort of thing, but it'll be good therapy to let you talk about something completely different, after your harrowing experience."

"Thank you for your consideration, Susie." I paused and took a deep breath.

"Get on with it, then; I don't like to be left in the dark."

"It's nothing much: you persuade your blindfolded victim to push his finger into a hole in an orange."

"That's a bit tame."

"Not if after a suitable build-up, he thinks he's..."

"Aw, Jeffrey say no more - there are limits. Mikey's my little brother ..."

"... boring into someone's brain."

"Oh, I thought ..."

"I'm shocked; Denise would never suggest anything so gross."

"Wait a minute - people don't have holes in their head. How do you convince ..."

"Nelson, Susie, that's the clue. Introduce someone wearing a patch. Tell Mikey they've had an accident and are waiting for a false eye to be fitted."

"Where do you get all this from, Jeffrey?"

"Books, Susie, books. Nothing furnishes a room better - or a mind. My brain's crammed with all sorts of stuff."

"You aren't half a show-off."

"I know - and what's more, there are people who go around with a hole in their head. They do it themselves with an electric drill."

"Some sort of dolphin cult, are they?"

"No, they believe it relieves internal pressures and enables them to attain peace of mind and serenity."

"That's the last thing I'd feel with a chunk of my skull missing."

"They make a neat job of it. Practise on a flowerpot before you give it a try - don't use the hammer action, though."

"You're definitely in smug bugger mode."

"I know, Susie - and there's more to come. Close your eyes - hold out your hand."

"After what you've just been telling me."

"The only blisters you'll get from me are on your feet."

Susie grimaced, shut her eyes and I closed her fingers over my little present.

"What is it, Jeffrey?"

"A fifty pound note."

Susie opened her eyes and looked down. "It's tainted money."

"I know, but the purity of our spirit cleanses it. I've had a lot of unforeseen expenses lately - and there'll be three of us in nine months, now we're saving for a car."

"That has to be taken into consideration: what with the tax, the insurance and petrol - it all adds up."

"We'll have to make sacrifices; our little runabout must come first."

"We're getting a proper car - not one of those tiny bug things you have to squeeze into."

"Let's be practical, Susie."

"I am. Wouldn't you feel safer, well off the ground, in a nice big four-by-four, behind bull-bars?"

"Given a choice, I'd rather you drove me around in a tank."

"I'll excuse you, yet again, Jeffrey, on the grounds you're upset by the way crime seems to pay for us."

"It's more like a criminal compensation award. We didn't do anything, but valiantly fight for our honour. That's the way we should think of it - the spoils of victory."

"A Pyrrhic one in his case. He got his money's worth, though - more than he bargained for, in fact."

"It couldn't be helped. Everything that happened was entirely out of our hands - thank God. Put the money in your bag. Think of it as manna from heaven."

"You're right - God wants us to have it as a reward for all our good deeds today."

"I don't think it works that way."

"It may do, Jeffrey, you never know. It won't do any harm to show our gratitude." Susie looked up into the night sky. "Thank you, I'll spend it wisely."

She smoothed out the note and I watched her stash it away.

"It's hard to see what else we could do with it, really. I've always been careful with money."

"Quite, Jeffrey - and as it's the first fifty pound note I've ever had, it deserves to be treated with respect. Let's consider the whole matter closed - never to be spoken of again."

"One thing, Susie."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Was that the Obsession we got from the shop?"

"Fresh out of the bottle, Jeffrey."

"I'd rather you didn't spray any on me, Susie - it may not be exactly what it says on the label."

"Don't worry, I'm giving it dad to light the barbeque with. Not that I doubt your theory or anything."

"I understand: it's one I wouldn't want to put to the test."

"Better safe than sorry, Jeffrey; there's no harm in exercising a little caution, now and again."

"I wish you'd always take that attitude, Susie and not be so confrontational."

"Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself."

"Okay, but in future let's not go looking for trouble."

"I wouldn't mind getting my money back for that perfume; I don't like being diddled."

"It's better we were diddled by the woman in the shop than the man in the car."

"I suppose that's the right way to look at it; you're a true philosopher, Jeffrey."

"I'm glad you've recognised that, Susie."

We leant back against the wall and looked up at the full harvest moon breaking through the clouds.

"What does that make you think about, Jeffrey?"

"After today's events, I'm wondering if I'm in any danger of being impregnated by aliens."

"Funny you should say that - it's the modern equivalent of the Little Red Riding Hood story."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"I have to admit the thought crossed my mind they might eat me, when they find out I'm a boy. I can only hope their medical science is sufficiently advanced."

"The wolf didn't want her for lunch, Jeffrey - that's the bowdlerised version. He had more carnal intentions."

"You can't get more carnal than eating someone, but I don't want to discuss such base matters. I always used to identify with her tripping innocently through the woods on her way to grandma's - and I liked the outfit."

"It wasn't her cap that was red - it was her knickers - with blood. It's a pubescent girl's sex fantasy."

"I wish you wouldn't spout your Freudian nonsense, Susie - that sort of knowledge only spoils things for me."

"It's the same with all fairy tales - they're riddled with sex and double meanings."

"I'm glad I was a Thomas the Tank Engine fan."

"Oh, if you only knew ..."

"Stop it. Why can't you take a more wholesome view - have you considered becoming a Jungian?"

"You pooh-poohed me when I said we were linked on a higher level of consciousness."

"Maybe I was a little hasty, but it wasn't the ideal time for a philosophical discussion; we were in a perilous situation. Honestly, Susie, you've been getting us in too many of those. A less looking for trouble approach wouldn't be a bad thing as well."

"Stop complaining: 'Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health'. That's a bit of Jung - now are you satisfied?"

"Haven't you something more comforting? I'm already worrying about what will happen next."

"Sufficient unto the day are the evils thereof."

"That's better. Sometimes a drop of good sense froths to the surface in your whirlpool of a mind."

"You're not the only deep thinker, Jeffrey, I have all sorts of profound philosophical thoughts; I often wonder what life's all about."

"Just like me, Susie - we do have a lot in common. We should pause for a moment and take stock of the day's events - put everything in perspective, so to speak."

"Try to see the big picture and our place in the grand scheme of things."

"Precisely."

We held hands and spent some time meditating on higher things before we turned as one and looked each other seriously in the eyes.

"Jeffrey."

"Yes."

"I've come to the conclusion there's only one philosophical question worth considering," Susie sighed.

"What's that?"

"Would you like to cover my bum in golden syrup?"

"Definitely not - if you knew how they made the stuff, you'd never entertain such nonsense."

"How about chocolate dip, then?"

"That's more to my taste."

"You're a real romantic, Jeffrey."

"It's the night air and your presence, Susie."

"You say the sweetest things."

"Oh, Jeffrey!"