This chapter may not seem like it's talking about Mom at all, but it'll make sense in a while, okay? Her early years were a bit…different to what most probably expect. I wrote this in first person, because that's the way Mom's diaries and journals are written and it just seemed the best way. I've tried to capture her 'voice', and I think it sounds about right. Enjoy!

Rain

 
I was flying over the surface of the Earth, looking down on the creatures that dwelled there. I was looking for a certain type of person, and I found him on a plateau overlooking a river valley filled with huge old trees. As I came to a stop behind him I considered what form I should take for this encounter. A human form seemed the most logical, so that's what I chose. I felt heavy and awkward in that flesh, but humans seemed afraid of anything that was different, so I hoped it would allow us to communicate freely.

"H-hello?" I said hesitantly, trying to get control of these strange vocal chords that humans use. Speaking directly to his mind would have been easier, but I didn't want to frighten him.

He seemed startled when I spoke and turned quickly, drawing his weapon as he did. It was made of bone and appeared to be quite sharp. He looked at me strangely, as if he had never seen another human being in his life. "What are you?" he asked.

"I'm human, just like you." I replied; ignoring the fact I had only been so for a few moments.

"Not like me, I'm a man! You are neither man nor woman!" he replied, pointing at the junction of my legs and torso. "What are you?" he asked again.

I sighed, I had hoped to pass myself off as one of them, but I had obviously made some kind of mistake in constructing this body. "I am Magic." I replied, allowing him to see a brief glimpse of my true self, or as much as his mind could handle.

His eyes opened wide in awe and he fell to his knees. "Please forgive me!" he cried, throwing his weapon down and bowing his head until it touched the ground.

I rolled my eyes (a useful human expression, I'd noticed). This was why I had attempted to pass myself off as human, I didn't want him to react to me as he would one of his gods. We'd get nowhere if he was too afraid of me to speak freely. "There is nothing to forgive, please stand." I said, injecting as much kindness into my voice as I could. Being unfamiliar with human vocal chords I was uncertain if I had managed the effect I wanted, but he did stand.

"What can Jorek do for you, Great One?" he asked, still too afraid to look me in the eyes.

I couldn't help but smile at his response. As I'd feared, he thought I was a god. This could actually work in my favor, for if he knew what I really was… "You are called Jorek, yes?" I asked.

"Yes Great One." he replied fearfully.

"I have need of your assistance, Jorek." I said. "I wish to live among humans as one of you for a time, in order to learn more about you. But in order to do that there are things I must know. To begin, how did you know I was not like you, in what way did I err in forming this body?"

Once again he collapsed to his knees and prostrated himself in fear. "Please do not harm me, I meant no disrespect!" he begged.

Being thought of as a god was getting tiresome very quickly. "Jorek, what do you think I am?" I asked.

He looked up briefly in confusion and then looked down again saying, "You are a Great One, a god!"

"No, I'm not. I am Magic." I replied.

"Magic? I am unfamiliar with this word. What does it mean?" He asked, his curiosity eroding his fear enough to look up again.

"Magic is what I am. It is the power your sorcerers use, and it is the power that makes you immortal." I explained.

He nearly fell over in shock at my words. "How do you know I'm immortal?!" he exclaimed.

I couldn't help but laugh at his response. "It is my power that makes you so, of course I know it!" I replied, still laughing.

"You are Mana?" he asked in awe.

"Mana? Does that mean Magic?" I asked, as I'd never heard this word before. Humans had so many languages, it was pointless to try and keep track of them all.

"I believe so." he replied uncertainly. "Mana is what we call the power that you speak of."

I nodded thoughtfully, "Then I have a name, it seems. Mana…I rather like it!" I had not considered acquiring a name, Magic had always sufficed before. But humans were obsessed with naming everything, so perhaps it would be for the best to have one. "Now, back to my question. What did I do wrong?" I asked, keeping my tone curious but calm so as not to spook him.

"Your body, it is neither male nor female." He said hesitantly, still afraid I would be angry with him for pointing out my error.

"You said that before, but I don't understand. I know that some of you are male and some female. But I was under the impression that the only difference was the length of hair and the clothes that you wear." I said.

"No, there are other differences! Women have breasts, men do not." Jorek said.

"Breasts? What are they?" I asked.

"They are large rounded mounds on their chests and they can feed children with them." Jorek replied, cupping his hands over his chest to help to show where and what they look like.

"Oh, is that what those are? What other differences are there?" I asked. For some reason he seemed very uncomfortable as he tried to describe the differences between the male and female reproductive organs. His explanation was so disjointed that I finally just cast my mind out and investigated the matter myself. "How strange. Is one gender better than the other for my purpose?" I asked.

"Male!" he replied proudly. "Women are weak, they can not protect themselves."

I nodded, "Very well. Are there any particular traits that I should cultivate in my male form?"

He thought about this and said, "It would be best to be tall and strong. To be attractive to the women, and feared and respected by other men."

I cast my mind out again; using the thoughts as well as the words to guide me and soon had an image in mind that would do all of that. "Good, thank you Jorek. Is there anything else that I will need in order to live among humans?" I asked.

"You will need clothes; we do not go about naked as you are now. You will also need a name other than Mana." he replied.

I thought on this and created an image beside me of a human male, tall and strong with rugged features and wearing clothes similar to those Jorek wore. "Will this do?" I asked.

He gazed in amazement at the image beside me and nodded, "Yes! This is a very strong man, a good body to experience humanity in!"

"What about a name?" I asked, having no idea what would be appropriate. I had observed that humans used different names in different areas, but I did not understand the reasoning behind this.

Jorek frowned thoughtfully, "It must be a strong name. Would Garon be acceptable?"

"Garon? That is a strong name?" I asked. He nodded. "Very well, Garon it will be. Where shall I go to begin?" I said.

"My home is very far from here, but there is a place near here with many people. It is only three hours walk that way." he said, pointing in almost the opposite direction of the valley.

"Good. Is there anything else I will need to know?" I asked, hoping that was it as this experiment had already become much more complicated than I'd hoped.

"I can think of nothing else, Great One." Jorek replied.

"Very well. In thanks I will strengthen your link with me." I said. We both glowed with a blue light for a moment. He seemed frightened at first, but then smiled widely at me.

"Thank you Great One! Thank you!" he said happily.

I smiled back at him and stepped into the image beside me. My human appearing body became human in fact as it shifted to match the image. I looked down at my new body in satisfaction that quickly turned to horror. "Something is wrong! This body, it causes me pain!" I screamed as I collapsed on the rough stone of the plateau. Jorek looked terrified and backed away from me. As I writhed in agony I was dimly aware of my siblings appearing around me. They all wore bodies like the one I had just changed from. Some appeared to fly down from the sky, while others flew up from within the Earth and others simply appeared out of thin air.

"You've finally made a mistake, Magic!" My second eldest sibling sneered at me.

"The binding first!" My youngest sibling growled. They all began to chant, but I did not hear all of what they said as the pain was blinding. I thought I heard my eldest sibling's voice added to the chant discordantly, but I soon lost consciousness for the first time in my long life.

I awoke to agony and confusion. I was lying on the stony ground and a sexless figure was sitting beside me. "I am sorry, Magic, I could not stop them. I tried, but all I managed to do was weaken the binding. It will fail in time, but you will have to endure it until then." the strange being beside me said.

"Who are you?" I gasped through the pain.

The strange being seemed sad when I said that. "You have already forgotten, haven't you? I am so sorry my sister! I must leave now, or I will draw our siblings' attention to us both. I will make sure they can not trace you, but that is the best I can do. Goodbye sister." With that it disappeared without a trace. I was curious about this, and what he had said, for only a moment before the pain drove all thought from my mind. I struggled to my feet, hoping that getting off of the rough ground might alleviate some of my pain. It made no difference at all.

I stumbled across the uneven ground of what appeared to be a plateau and tried to make sense of what I was feeling. Then I spied the bone knife lying on the ground. "Relief!" I cried out, dropping to my knees beside the weapon. I picked it up and drove it into my stomach as hard as I could. The pain I felt from that was different from what I had awoken with, but it was nothing in comparison. I stabbed again, hoping to drown one pain with another. And again, and again. Soon my arms grew weak and I dropped the knife and fell on my side. I saw a man running towards me before everything went dark.

I woke screaming, sweat streaming off of me. I scrambled for the light and turned it on and was soo relieved to see I was still in my bedroom and not on that damned plateau! This was the fifth night in a row I'd had that dream and I was well tired of it! Every time, like now, I had to run to the bathroom and make sure I was still me and not some muscle bound caveman. I sighed in relief as I saw my reflection. I'm not beautiful, by any means, but I like to think I'm at least somewhat cute! Even straight from bed I had no trouble seeing a woman in the mirror.

I stripped off my nightgown and turned on the shower. It felt good to get all that sweat off of me, but I so hated looking at that disgusting lump of flesh between my legs! Only one more week, though, and it would be gone for good! That week couldn't go by fast enough for me.

I had an appointment with my therapist today, so I decided to dress up a bit and try and look my best. I wanted to make sure she knew I have no regrets, no doubts! I chose a nice light-weight violet dress that made aspirations of reaching my knees and failed miserably. Some simple black heeled sandals and my purse and I was all set to go. Just to drive the point home, I decided to stop and throw some makeup on. I didn't usually bother, but thought, why not?

A quick jog down to my battered old gray Honda Civic and I was on my way. I patted the steering wheel lovingly as I started it up. Buying this old thing with my tax return had been the best investment I could have made! It was well maintained by the previous owner, and I made sure to do the same. Despite the higher maintenance costs, it was a lot cheaper than making payments on a new car. The money I would have used to make those payments went into savings and allowed me to schedule my surgery a lot sooner than I otherwise would have.

I whiled away the time it took to get to my therapists office by singing along to a Sarah McLachlan CD. I was still trying to tweak my voice and used singing to try out different things. Besides, I love to sing!

I was feeling pretty good by the time I got to my therapists office. That changed as soon as I stepped in the door as my nervousness had my stomach doing flips, as usual. It wasn't as bad as my first appointment, but I always felt a little sick from nerves on these appointments.

As usual, my nervousness was totally unfounded as my appointment went great. My therapist complimented me on my outfit and asked how I was feeling about my surgery. Naturally I said I was looking forward to it and it couldn't come fast enough, which it can't! We talked about what the surgery entailed, and how I'd be pretty limited until I'd recovered. I wasn't really looking forward to the recovery, but I'd put up with just about anything to be whole!

I felt a lot better afterwards, as I usually do. Just getting rid of those butterflies is enough reason to feel better! I decided to do a little window shopping before lunch. I hadn't been able to buy much before now because I was saving up for my surgery. Now that I had what I needed for that I would finally be able to spend a little. So I looked with renewed interest at all the clothes in the store windows, knowing I could actually buy some of those clothes soon.

I went home for lunch and spent a few hours online. I could spend all day online shopping, talking to my friends, reading, or whatever. I forced myself to get up and get some exercise after a while by going hiking. There's a great trail right behind my apartment building that goes into the woods and covers quite a bit of area. I took a different route each time, and I still hadn't even seen half of it.

I met my neighbor Mandy on the trail. "Hi Mandy." I said when I spotted her. She waved, but didn't stop to talk. She knows I'm transsexual, and I don't think she knows what to think about it. She's not hostile, though, so I keep trying to talk to her. Maybe one of these days she'll at least say "hi".

After my hike I had a snack for dinner, I wasn't really very hungry. I don't need to eat that much, and I don't want to get fat. It took me too long to get this shape to mess it up now! My exciting day concluded with a few hours of anime and a few more hours online before I went to bed. Each night it was getting harder and harder to get to sleep. I'm not sure how much of it is because of the dream, and how much is because of my eagerness to have surgery.

The next day, Sunday, was pretty uneventful too. Mostly just stayed in and surfed the net while watching anime. I had the dream again, but that was getting to be expected. Still woke up screaming, though.

After recovering from the dream yet again, I got ready for work the next morning. I'd gotten lucky in the job stakes; I'd managed to keep my job despite the economic troubles, and even got a promotion! Being the manager of a warehouse wasn't much fun, but it paid well enough. And being the boss meant that I didn't have to deal with any harassment from my co-workers!

Originally I was supposed to do the grunt work, but we found out pretty fast that I just wasn't strong enough for it (and that was before hormones). Instead of getting fired, I got a desk job. Now, ten years later, I'm running the place. Who knew being a weakling could be so useful?

Not much was going on at work, so I was able to get caught up on things a bit. Hopefully things wouldn't get too busy while I was out, I wasn't looking forward to the backlog I'd have when I got back! After work I went through my checklist of things to bring for my surgery and went over the bags I'd already packed. There were a few things I didn't have, but they would arrive by mail soon as I'd ordered them online. Hopefully nothing would hold them up.

As usual I stayed in and surfed and watched TV after dinner. I don't really have friends, except online. There's family, of course, but I don't see them very often. Most of them are okay with me being transgendered, but they keep pretty busy. It took quite a bit of work to arrange a time for my surgery that would work for both my sister and I, my sister being the difficult one. Where she gets all the energy for all her activities, I'll never know.

I tossed and turned for over an hour before I finally fell asleep, and woke screaming yet again in the morning. That dream was really getting old! Other than being a bit tired, my day was much the same. The stuff I ordered online was waiting for me when I got home, so I packed it up with everything else. Then it was on with my usual evening activities and off to bed.

I got even less sleep this time, but somehow managed to get through the day. Thursday was even worse, and Friday I was in such bad shape that everyone told me I should go get ready for my trip early. I wasn't in much shape to argue, so I called my sister and let her know I'd be home soon. She'd planned on meeting me there when I got off work. She wasn't doing anything, so she was able to meet me at home shortly after I got there.

"Wow Emily, you really are worn out, aren't you?! Did you get any sleep last night?" Martha greeted me when I opened the door.

"Gee, nice to see you too, sis." I said sarcastically. She had a couple of large bags and I tried to help her with them, but they were really heavy!

"Whoa, I'll take care of my bags, you're worn out! That nightmare still?" Martha asked as she hauled her bags inside. She struggled with them, but not nearly as much as I would have.

"Yeah, I have a hard time getting to sleep anymore, and then wake up early because of it." I replied.

"I hope that goes away after your surgery, you'll need your sleep." Martha said as she closed the door. She left her bags near the door, since we'd be hauling them right back out again soon.

"You and me both!" I agreed, pulling my own bags over to hers so I wouldn't forget anything. I had five bags, but they were a lot smaller. When you're as wimpy as I am you get used to keeping things in manageable weights.

Martha took a seat at the end of the couch and patted the cushion next to her. "Why don't you have a lie down and rest a bit, we've got some time before we have to leave." she suggested. I wasn't in any shape to argue, so I did. She insisted I use her lap as a pillow and stroked my hair until I fell asleep.

I woke screaming again! Martha held onto me until I calmed down. "That bad, huh?" she said.

Panting, I said, "Yeah…I guess so." I felt my face to reassure me it was only a dream.

"Don't worry, you're still you!" Martha said with a laugh. I'd told her all about the dream after I had it the third time. "You need to stop worrying so much, there's nothing that could stop you from having this surgery!" That was the only explanation for the dream either of us had been able to come up with, that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to have surgery for some reason.

"I know." I agreed. "I don't know why I keep having this dream. It's getting really old!"

"I bet! Why don't you get yourself cleaned up? By the time you're done it'll be time to go." Martha said.

"Sounds like a plan." I said and went to throw some cold water on my face. I was beginning to look forward to the end of that dream almost as much as the surgery itself!

When I got out of the bathroom we loaded up all our stuff in my car and drove to the airport. Martha unloaded everything at the curb so we wouldn't have to lug it all the way from the long term parking area. After parking the car I joined her in line and we went through the usual routine. I was falling asleep on my feet by the time we boarded the plane and fell asleep right away.

Martha woke me when we got there, thankfully I hadn't scared the whole plane waking up screaming like last time! She helped me get my carry on bags down and we made our way to the baggage claim area. "Why don't you get one of those cart things?" Martha suggested. I nodded and brought one over and we loaded it up with our bags.

Martha called a cab while we pulled the cart out to the curb. We didn't have to wait long. Soon we were checked into our hotel and had everything unloaded. I went straight to bed while Martha stayed up and read.

I woke in the middle of the night screaming again. Martha crawled into bed with me and soon I fell back asleep in her arms.

I woke the next morning feeling more rested than I had in almost two weeks. After Martha ate breakfast we headed over to the hospital to get me checked in. My surgery was scheduled early, so I didn't have long to wait before I was being wheeled away. "Good luck, sis!" Martha called out after me.

I woke many hours later. Martha was sitting next to my bed reading. When she saw I was awake she held out a glass of water, "Thirsty?"

I nodded and she helped me drink it. I felt really weak and groggy. I think there was pain, too, but I was too out of it to be sure. I was awake on and off for a few more hours before Martha had to leave. "Try not to have another of those nightmares, okay? You're in no shape to be dealing with that." she said before leaving.

I finally fell into a deeper sleep that night and dreamed again. This time the dream was different: