Susie and Jeffrey can't keep out of trouble on their eventful journey home. A simple walk is spoiled as they encounter ever more dangerous hazards.

 

Susie and Jeffrey

Chapters 32-43

by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 32

"Come on, Susie, wake up, wake up - we've gone too far."

Susie finally opened her eyes. "Gone too far," she blinked. "What do you mean - gone too far?" She sat up with a start. "A nooner, on the back seat of a bus, while I was asleep - you'd better not have, Jef..."

"Shush," I hissed and hastily covered her mouth. "Be careful what you say," I whispered in her ear. "We don't want to shock the other passengers. I'm Denise - and you know I wouldn't - we've both been asleep."

"You broke my dream. We were ..."

"Tell me later, there's no time for that now."

She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. "But I had you all ..."

"Move yourself, we have to get off right away before it's too late."

"What's the rush?" She sat up with a start. "There isn't a police roadblock up ahead, is there?"

"Of course not, but this is the Lancston bus - if we don't hurry up, we're in for a sixty mile round trip."

"Oh, is that all," she yawned. "Well, it needn't be a wasted journey, we can visit Stephanie."

"Oh no, we can't." I pulled Susie to her feet. "We haven't got her dress and I'm not squandering money on a pointless expedition. In fact, the only way we're ever going to visit her is if we bike it."

"I'll hold you to that," Susie threatened as I dragged her to the front of the bus. "It'll be worth a sore bum to see Denise modelling again."

"After this morning, I think I'd rather be a stay-at-home girl; you can be the career woman who goes out and takes on the world."

"Ah, I'm wise to your little tricks," she smirked as we reached the front of the bus. "You're only saying that because you want me to be the one who talks to the driver."

"No, I don't. Diplomacy isn't your strong suit; you didn't have much success on the tram."

Susie pushed me forward. "Go on, then - here's a chance to show off your people skills. I'll listen and learn."

"Okay, watch this."

"No putting on a Lolita act, mind - fair's fair."

Susie had forgotten it was a woman driver, so there was no danger of that. I was on safe ground.

"I've no idea what you mean," I huffed and stuck out my tongue at her to emphasise the point.

"Get on with it."

"Excuse me," I cooed, "we're sorry to be a nuisance, but would you mind pulling over and letting us off - we've missed our stop."

"And Denise got us on the wrong blinking bus, in the first place," Susie chimed in.

"This isn't a taxi service," the driver replied without turning her head. "I've a schedule to keep. I'm sorry, but if I did it for you, I'd have everyone taking advantage of me."

"But ours is a special case, we've ..."

"No."

"But ..."

"No!"

"Give up, Denise, you've done your best. We'll just have to settle back and enjoy the ride."

"Just a minute," I frowned at Susie. "I haven't fully explained our situation yet. She'll change her mind when she hears what a fix we're in."

I moved further forward and leant against the handrail under the front window.

"You can't stand there; you're blocking my view. I have to be on the lookout for stray sheep along here."

"Sorry." I leant away from her. "It's just that we haven't the money for the journey ..."

We rounded a sharp bend and I swung in towards the woman.

"Oops." I pulled back and steadied myself, but somehow my skirt got caught and rode up, exposing the lacy ruffles underneath.

"That's exotic underwear for one so young." The driver showed her first sign of interest and smiled up at me. "You're a very pretty girl."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "The undies were a present from Susie - a birthday joke. She dared me to go out in them. They're not my usual sort of stuff."

"Don't go telling porkies, Denise, you wear them every opportunity you get."

"Shush, Susie - it's embarrassing revealing my little peccadilloes."

The driver reached out and patted me on the knee. "You show them off as much as you like, sweetie - we're all girls together here."

I inched up my skirt a little further. "Couldn't you see your way to helping us?" I pleaded.

"The management are very strict about this sort of thing - we have our orders."

"Can't you throw us off for not paying the fare?" I suggested. "That must be in the rules."

"You're right there," Susie exclaimed. "You're always reading about bus drivers abandoning poor little kiddies to their fate. Stonyhearted jobsworths that's what they are," she added helpfully.

"Well, I'm not one of them," our driver snorted. "Can't you see I'm a caring person? What's more, we've new instructions not to dump vulnerable passengers. It's bad publicity for the company."

"Aw, please." I leant across into the driver's compartment. "Our parents will be worried. Susie's left her phone at home; they'll be wondering what's happened to us."

I gave a shake of my head and wiped at my eye. I got more reaction than I expected.

"It's all right, dear - don't go upsetting yourself."

She patted me on the leg and let her hand work its way up as she slowed the bus.

"Susie's interested in becoming a bus driver," I gulped as she gently squeezed my thigh. "Is there a good pension scheme?"

"What do you mean?" she bridled. "I'm nowhere near retirement age." She gave me a quick squeeze. "Does that feel like an old woman's hand?"

"No," I spluttered. "I'd say you were in the prime of life."

"Shifting a big gear stick like that must build up the muscles in your arm," Susie grinned. "What do you think, Denise?"

"It certainly seems that way, Susie," I squeaked.

The woman gave me a final pinch before taking away her hand for the change down. "Just between you and me, this is your reward for brightening up my day."

I gave an audible sigh of relief and wiped my brow.

"It's a good job it isn't automatic transmission, eh, Denise."

"You can say that again, Susie."

"Sorry, dear, if I was a little over enthusiastic? You've a nice firm thigh there," she smiled. "What's your secret?"

"It must be in my genes," I blushed, "and I suppose the cycling helps."

"Whatever it is, keep it up and you'll never suffer from cellulite."

"Denise isn't telling you the whole truth," Susie declared. "The fact is she eats lots of fish - she practically lives of it. She believes it'll help her avoid women's troubles."

With a grimace, the woman shifted gear again and brought the bus to a halt.

"I'm a great believer in cod liver oil, but it doesn't seem to be working on my frozen shoulder. I don't know what to do with it."

"Put it in the oven, but make sure it's thoroughly thawed out first," Susie warned. "You don't want to risk getting salmonella."

"It's not funny," she groaned. "I may have to give heat treatment a try Sometimes, when I wake up, it's as stiff as a board."

"You should get yourself a good massage; that'll relieve the tension. Denise and I have been practicing on each other and it works for us."

"We don't really know what we're doing, Susie."

"No, but we're learning and it always brings a smile to our faces."

"Get away," she laughed. "I knew there was something going on between you two."

"I told you people could see the love look in our eyes, Denise."

"Are you sure you want to get off - wouldn't a circular tour on the backseat be much more appealing?"

"I have to please Denise; her day wouldn't be complete without a long forced march home."

"You know best, sweeties," she smiled.

She opened the door and we stepped off into the lane.

"Thanks a lot," we cried and waved goodbye.

She blew us a kiss and we watched until the bus disappeared round the next corner.

"It's nice and quiet out here, Susie."

She looked down the lonely road and up at the threatening sky. "I hope we don't come to regret this, Jeffrey."

"That, Susie," I smirked as we ambled along, "is how to handle a bus driver."

"More like how to let a bus driver handle you," she snorted. "You're lucky it wasn't 'Surprise, Surprise' all round."

"I saved us from an expensive round trip," I huffed. "You ought to be grateful Denise was able to charm her into doing what we wanted."

"How far up your leg would a male driver have got, Jeffrey?"

"Probably as far as you would have let him, Susie. My girl reactions aren't fully developed; I'd always look to you for guidance in a tricky situation like that."

"That's the way it should be, Jeffrey. Mind you don't let this little success go to your head."

"I won't. All I'm saying is that this time my modest approach worked better than your cheeky stuff."

"Denise wasn't being modest and I'm not cheeky," she grinned. "I'm effervescent." She gave a little skip. "That's what I am."

"True, Susie - you can have the effect of a strong dose of liver salts."

"You're right. People are always telling me how I buck them up. You've even said it yourself."

"I know - you're my little ray of sunshine, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey," she beamed. "It's nice to be appreciated."

"You're more than just appreciated, Susie - you're my role model, but maybe we should be more cautious in future. I can get carried away following your lead; there's a real danger someone will biff us on the nose - or worse."

"We're just a pair of cheeky girls," Susie laughed and sideswiped my bottom with hers. "Flashing your knickers at that driver wasn't my idea, Denise."

"I still don't know how it happened," I protested. "I was all of a fluster when my skirt rode up. Sometimes it seems to have a life of its own; I have no control over it. Watch this." I tugged it down a little. "See, it springs right back. You should never have let me go out in the thing -it's too short."

"It's tantalizing, Denise; you just need to be careful until you get used to it. Don't worry, it's like riding a bike - handling your skirt will soon be second nature to you, like it is to me."

"Well, it's hard work at the moment; I have to keep reminding myself to behave in a ladylike manner. I'm bound to have the occasional accidental lapse."

"Pull the other one, Denise, it's got bells on. You knew exactly what you were doing when you perched yourself on that rail and gave us all a right eyeful."

"I unfortunately manoeuvred myself into a compromising position, that's all," I insisted.

"And took full advantage of it - you had the driver open-mouthed. She was so distracted I feared for our safety."

"We were in no danger. She was the total professional; she hardly took her eyes off the road."

"Well, I admire how you held your nerve with her hand creeping ever closer."

"She was groping in the dark, Susie."

"Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut, Jeffrey. You barely avoided revealing all."

"I clenched my boy bits and hoped for the best."

"That's a nifty trick - is it difficult?"

"Not when you've had the practice I've had this last week."

"You're becoming a very cool customer, Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not. I was frightened of making a fuss; I didn't want her to think that I had anything to hide."

"But girls do have something to hide, Denise; you needn't have just sat there."

"It was a ticklish situation, Susie, I thought the less I fidget, the better."

"I've told you before what to do when people put their hand on your knee."

"It was more thigh than knee."

"Then you were even more entitled to have a swat at it."

"By the time I realised it was something more than a reassuring girl-on-girl pat, she had a firm hold on me. I couldn't swipe it off, we might have landed in the ditch."

"And we would have if I'd thought your virtue was in danger, Denise."

"It wasn't like that, Susie she was old enough to be my mother - or my grandmother."

"All the more reason not to seduce her in front of a bus full of people."

"Don't exaggerate, it was one man and his guide dog - and I didn't seduce her," I huffed. "I've told you before, ladies of a certain age want to fuss over me; I must excite their maternal instincts."

"Believe me, Jeffrey, that definitely wasn't what you were exciting."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Susie. I think, at times, even you may have a desire to mother me."

"Nonsense, Jeffrey, you're a hot little number and don't you forget it or you'll land us both in trouble."

"I defer to your greater experience, Susie," I conceded. "As far as this girl business goes, I'm a stranger in a strange land. But if what you say is true," I smiled, "maybe you could learn a thing or two from me."

I ducked in time. "What I want to learn from you is how we're going to get home - where exactly are we, Jeffrey?"

"Somewhere over the river, Susie; all we have to do is keep going north-west."

"Easier said than done, Jeffrey, we may as well be in a maze with all these high hedges and winding roads."

"There's no hurry, Susie, a peaceful stroll in the country is just what we need." I linked arms with her. "Best foot forward - here we go, swinging down the lane."

"Bugger this for a lark, Jeffrey, I didn't expect we'd be rounding off our day with an endurance test. I'm not sure it was such a good idea getting off in the middle of nowhere."

"I'm sorry, Susie, I didn't realise we were so far out."

"Fine words butter no parsnips, Jeffrey."

"What are you on about, Susie?"

"I was just rehearsing a bit of country talk, in case we have to beg the locals for help - which seems more than likely after your balls-up."

"You wouldn't have wanted to spend all afternoon riding around in circles."

"You woke me up and dragged me down that bus before I knew what was happening. You gave me no time to think."

"I was in a rush - and anyway, there's nothing we could have done different."

"I don't know about that. You seem to take a peculiar pleasure in giving me a good workout. It's funny how we always end up hiking or biking home."

"It's not as funny as arriving home differently dressed every time," I grumbled. "Besides, I'm not entirely to blame - if you hadn't fallen asleep ..."

"I was recharging my batteries, Jeffrey - I'm only human."

"Me too, Susie. I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a sleep deficit. I've missed two Sunday lie-ins."

"It's not healthy being a stay-a-bed."

"Maybe not, but my brain obviously needs to do more than the usual amount of rewiring at the moment, with all the new stuff it has to absorb."

"You may have a point there, Jeffrey - things have been a little hectic lately. We both deserved our little nap."

"Well, it's worked for me - I feel quite refreshed now. It was exactly what we needed after this morning's events. "

"Yeah, we can make a spanking new start and put all that behind us."

"It's buses under the bridge now, Susie," I laughed. "Heidi today and gone tomorrow."

"You're blooming cheerful about this, Jeffrey."

"I'm just making the best of it." I looked her straight in the face. "Do you know what this is, Susie?"

"It's a cheeky grin."

"No it's not - it's an insouciant smile. Something I shall be making great use of from now on."

I ducked again as Susie tried to clip me around the ear. "This is no time for bloody insouciance - stuck out here in no-man's land."

"Don't exaggerate: we can't be more than a couple of miles from some sort of civilisation. We'll soon be back in one of the villages; we can have something to eat and then maybe catch a bus to the ferry."

"What do you mean, maybe?"

"Nothing, I'm just not sure how regular the bus service is."

"We're in for a long, long walk, aren't we?"

"What if we are - I'm happy with the way things have turned out. You don't really mind, do you?"

Susie smiled and ruffled my hair. "Sometimes I think you take advantage of my good nature."

"Don't worry, I won't be taking you for granted. I've learned my lesson with mum."

"I don't doubt that, Jeffrey; it's just ... Oh hell, it's starting to rain again, we're going to be soaked into the bargain."

I looked up at the big black cloud coming our way. "However wet I get, I'm going home in the same clothes I set out in."

"Isn't that tempting fate, Jeffrey?"

"Possibly, Susie, possibly."

We trudged on into the downpour.

"I'm going to have feet like puddings," Susie groaned. "Hell, my trousers are sticking to me now - and I'm starting to ache."

"Where, Susie?"

"All bloody over, Jeffrey. It was hard work driving that old bus. I was flying by the seat of my pants. There was no power assisted steering, you know - I had to fight it every inch of the way."

"I don't suppose you want to up the pace to a run, then."

"No thank you, I've a better idea."

"Do you want me to give you a piggy-back?"

"A lion-hearted offer, Jeffrey, but let's save that sort of monkeying around for the bedroom. Follow me."

Susie crossed the verge and pushed back the sagging fence. "Let's get under those trees."

"What about that?" I pointed to a 'Private Property - Keep Out' sign, lying on the ground. "There are some funny folk around here, Susie - I wouldn't be surprised if one of them owns this land."

"We'll be sheltering, not trespassing. Come on, don't be a big girl's blouse - I won't let you come to any harm."

 

Chapter 33

"It's totally neglected, Susie, everything's being left to rot."

We squished our way through piles of fallen apples into the middle of a small orchard.

"There's a heady pong, Jeffrey - it's quite intoxicating. You'll have to be careful I don't take advantage of you."

We halted under the densest canopy and leant back on the trunk with our arms around each other.

"Don't stand under the apple tree with anyone else but me, Susie."

"I promise, Jeffrey." She picked up a fallen fruit. "Can I tempt you?"

"Not with one of these, Susie. They look like cider apples. Wait until we get home, there're some lovely Ingrid Marie in the garden; they'll be ready next month."

"How about a blackberry?"

"No thanks - I don't want to risk any more staining. I haven't got the last lot off yet." I gave Susie a pout. "How do my lips look?"

"Redder than ever; it must be the fresh air. They won't pass unnoticed at school tomorrow."

"They're all right as girl lips, though."

"Model-girl lips, not schoolgirl lips. They'd send me home if I turned up looking like that."

"Don't - you'll give me a complex. I didn't think they were too bad this morning."

"They're fine for Denise the aspiring lingerie model."

"I was only joking about that."

"No you weren't - you'd jump at the chance. I bet I could even persuade you to go topless."

"Aw, shut up, you're making me blush." I grinned. "Eat your apple."

Susie took a bite. "Ugh - it's sour."

She shied it at the next tree and scored a direct hit. It flattened against the trunk with a satisfying squelch.

She turned a few more over with her foot. "They're all full of maggots."

"I don't think cider makers bother about a little thing like that; the extra protein gives it more body."

"I suppose it's more wholesome than adding anti-freeze, but I wouldn't want it tickling my taste buds."

"They don't stop there. They sneak in a dead rat or two for that extra piquancy."

"I'm not falling for any more of your tall tales."

"It's true, my granddad told me."

"I suppose he makes his own cider."

"No, he's a strict Methodist - apart from the small hip flask of whisky for his rheumatism."

"Strictly medicinal, eh."

"It's cold up on those fells. The wind cuts right through you. He's looking forward to some global warming, believe me."

"I bet you're well up on climate change, aren't you, Jeffrey?"

"Not really, Susie."

"But you know more about it than I do."

"Probably - why are you so interested?"

"I have to write an essay on 'How Green is my Family' for old Rawlings," she groaned. "I ask you - what on earth has that to do with A-level sociology?"

"Nothing."

"Exactly what I told him - very politely, mind you. 'That's completely off subject,' I said. 'I've better things to do than root through our dustbin.' And do you know what - he took umbrage."

"Umbrage, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey - umbrage. He's a pompous bugger."

"You're right there and he has a bee in his bonnet about all things green; he's a fiend of the Earth."

"That's no reason to wander around in rope sandals without any socks."

"His feet aren't a pretty sight, Susie."

"They're great plates of meat, Jeffrey. For the first week, I thought he had athlete's foot or something and I made allowances, but now I think he just lowers the tone of the whole place."

"Let's hope someone treads on his toes and teaches him a lesson."

"I'm sure someone will," Susie smiled. "But first things first - give me a few of your ideas on climate change; it'll save me googling."

"I'd better not - Rawlings already knows them. He had the daft idea of offering an end of term prize for the best essay on global warming and made the whole school enter."

"Of course, you won it, Jeffrey."

"No I didn't. I was more than a little miffed at having to waste my time on a thing like that."

"I hope you didn't just write your name and put my thoughts aren't worth the life of a tree - because that's my fall-back position."

"You won't get away with it; he'll make you tow the party line. He's a Green fascist; he doesn't tolerate alternative views - however compelling."

"What did you write that upset him?"

"I said Gaea was working her purpose out."

"Who, Jeffrey?"

"Gaea, the Earth goddess. He believes in that sort of stuff as well - he's a loony."

"Careful, Jeffrey, it's best to keep the gods onside. It doesn't hurt to have a bit of supernatural help if there's any going."

"That's your version of Pascal's wager, is it, Susie?"

"Possibly, Jeffrey - we can discuss it later. Carry on about Gaea."

"She knows dangerously low carbon dioxide levels will lead to the creation of a snowball Earth - a super ice-age."

"I saw that film."

"No you didn't, this is different."

"It can't be that different."

"It doesn't matter," I sighed. "The point is to avert disaster, Gaea has chosen humans as her expendable instrument for releasing Earth's locked up carbon dioxide."

"I'm with you, Jeffrey - we're all working Gaea's purpose out."

"She wants us to give life a chance to flourish again on a hothouse Earth - dinosaurs at the South Pole and all that. Melting icecaps never bothered them - they just got on with it."

"So the more carbon dioxide we release the better. Super termites - that's what we are in Gaea's eyes."

"My precise words, Susie. We should be proud of the great job we're doing for the Earth mother."

"A flawlessly argued case, well worthy of you, Jeffrey. You'd have thought that was just the sort of thing to appeal to an eco-freak."

"Apparently not - he made me rewrite it. He wanted a more positive and proactive approach; some suggestions as to what we could do as individuals."

"Did you oblige?"

"Yes, I suggested we should whitewash our roofs, our cars and the tops of our heads."

"Would that help, Jeffrey?"

"It couldn't hurt, but he didn't see it that way. He turned out to be not such a jolly green giant."

"He definitely lacks a sense of humour; I can vouch for that. He was rabbiting on about the benefits of vegetarianism and I asked him if we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat."

"What did he say?"

"That I was a running-lapdog-capitalist-lackey of MacDonald's."

"Bit of a giveaway there, I think he may have switched from black to red to green."

"I must confess, Jeffrey, I'm surprised you aren't more sympathetic to the Green cause."

"Well, I'm with them on the anti-car thing, Susie. They're the cyclist's number one enemy - together with dogs, of course."

"There's no sense being a Green fanatic, Jeffrey - let's just settle for separating our rubbish into the different bins." Susie edged a little closer. "Pink's my favourite colour, Denise - should we play boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Okay, but let's not get too passionate. I don't mind being the girl, but I don't want to get my bottom damp."

"Pucker up, Denise, I'll see if I can manage a little local warming."

"Oooh, I like that, Susie, but you'll get your feet wet; you shouldn't have taken off your shoes."

"I haven't."

"Yes, you have; I can feel your foot stroking my leg."

"No, you're the one rubbing against my leg and squealing with delight."

"I'm not; I'm quietly purring to myself."

"I think you'd better have a quick look down, Jeffrey," Susie whispered.

"Not blinking likely - that's your job. At the moment, I'm one hundred percent Denise and about to jump screaming into your arms."

"Give it a kick."

"You give it a kick."

There was a loud grunt and something barged against our legs.

"Aaaaargh."

We both jumped back behind the tree.

"Aw, it's a bloody pig, Jeffrey."

"Careful, Susie - don't antagonise the swine."

The creature ignored us, took over our space and began wolfing up the apples.

"There's a stroke of luck, Jeffrey, it's wearing a collar - you'll be able to get a good grip if you have to wrestle the brute into submission."

"I don't think it'll come to that, Susie. Look, it's got a wooden leg as well. It must be one of those house pets, like Max's Miss Piggy."

"The way it's gorging itself I wouldn't be surprised if it shares the same fate. Come on, let's quietly withdraw while it's otherwise engaged."

"After you, Susie."

We edged off cautiously to the side. "Ready, Denise - run for it."

"Not so fast, laddie," came a high-pitched voice from behind us. "I've had my eye on you and your girlfriend."

We turned to see a wiry whippet of a man rapidly approaching.

"Hey, have you been spying on us?" Susie spluttered. "Pull down your skirt, Denise - he's a Peeping Tom."

"Furriners," he snorted. "Speak up, I can't hear you without my glasses, but I know what you're up to - snatching the food from poor Spike's mouth."

"What's he talking about, Denise?"

"He's ranting - let's be on our way."

"You stay there. I have to take care of my property. What's in that bag? I don't take kindly to folk scrumping my apples."

"We were only sheltering from the rain," I explained. "We didn't mean any harm."

He screwed up his face and squinted at us. "Tha must have been up to summat." He gave a wave with his stick. "Come here, mon - let's be seeing what you're made of."

"He means you," I whispered. "No one could mistake Denise for a boy - or so you're always telling me."

"We don't want to get into a dispute with the locals, I'd better let my hair down."

"No, don't take your cap off." I gave Susie a shove. "It's your turn for some role-playing. Let's see how you like being a boy in real life."

"Hold on," she cried as she stumbled forward.

"That's right, Jeffrey - show him who's the boss," I yelled. "You promised mum you'd look after me."

The man backed up. "I'm not scared of you, laddie; I know your type - if you can't fight, wear a big hat. Watch out, Spike's a guard pig - he knows no fear."

Susie straightened up and waved dismissively in my direction. "Take no notice of Denise, she's one of those ladettes - she'd start a fight in an empty house."

"Sounds like you've snared a wrong un there, lad. The best of women are the cause of all the trouble in this world. Take my advice, steer well clear of them."

"I'm afraid it's too late, Denise has well and truly got her claws into me."

I stepped forward and put my arm around Susie. I gave an approving smile and kissed her. "I can twist Jeffrey around my little finger; you're putty in my hands, aren't you, big boy?"

"You don't want to take any nonsense from her or you'll never have any peace. First chance you get, put her across your knee and give her a good paddling."

"What do you think about that, Denise?"

"Don't bother asking her. A spaniel, a woman and a walnut tree, the more they're beaten the better they be."

"You can't argue with country lore, Denise - just wait until we get home."

"We're definitely not getting a spaniel, Jeffrey. Granddad says they're more trouble than they're worth - they're prone to canker in their ears. He's a golden retriever man now."

"Tell her to shut up, Jeff lad."

"Shut up, Denise."

I gave a little curtsy. "Yes, master."

"That's the way to do it, son," the man nodded approvingly. "Show a bit of gumption."

"Come on, Denise, one step behind me and let's be on our way."

"Na then, not so fast. That's a gradely hat you've got there," he smirked. "How about we do a swap and we'll say no more about your spot of trespassing?"

The man took off his battered cloth cap and offered it to Susie.

She wrinkled her nose and took a backward step. "I don't think so; it looks like you've had the best of the wear out of it and it's spattered with paint."

He scratched away at one of the spots. "Them'll wash out - they be pigeon droppings. I reckon that big peak on yours will come in proper handy. Their shit stings summat awful when it gets in your eyes."

"I think I'm too young to be joining the flat cap brigade." Susie turned to me for support. "You wouldn't let me wear something like that, would you, Denise?"

"Don't ask me, Jeffrey," I pouted. "The very thought of dictating to you is making my bottom twitch."

The man hung his cap on a branch and spat on his hands. "Don't be a snotty Oliver. I'll tell you what - we can kick shins for it. I fancy a bit of sport. Come on, or tha girlfriend will think you're one of those nancy boys."

"What's shin kicking?" Susie asked guardedly.

"Exactly what it says on the packet," I whispered to her. "This has gone far enough, give him the cap before you end up with pudding legs as well as pudding feet. It's no great loss; it looks as silly on you as it did on me."

Susie hesitated and the man pulled up his trousers. "I won't be clogging thi; I'm only wearing mi wellies. A game young lad like you has nowt to fear from a poor old feller like me."

A glint appeared in Susie's eye and she winked at me. "He deserves a kick up the Khyber, Denise. Watch this - I'll show you some real boy stuff."

"Calm down, you know what happened the last time you said that."

"Don't worry, this one won't come flying over the fence at you," she whispered.

"He won't fight fair," I warned. "The shifty beggar probably has steel toecaps and it smells like he soaks his legs in vinegar."

Susie sniffed the air and murmured. "I think that may be a generous interpretation, but I wouldn't expect anything else from a refined young woman like Denise."

"What are you two chuntering on about? I can't hang around here all day."

"We were just saying, that's a fine pair of bandy legs," I smiled. "You must be an ex-professional."

"You're a smart young lass," he laughed. "Owd Harry's clattered a good few in his time. Are you frightened I'm going to take unfair advantage of your boyfriend?"

"I don't want Jeffrey grappling with a crafty old pro; he might get hurt. It's not fair, he's never done anything like this before."

"She's right," Susie put in. "I'll tell you what, we'll make it a test of endurance and fortitude instead of technique. How about three free kicks in turn?"

He took a long look at Susie's trainers. "Reet, lad, you're on," he crowed.

"And I go first," Susie insisted.

He bent down and felt her shoes. "Go on, then - nobody can say Owd Harry's not a sportsman."

I pulled Susie aside. "Don't be daft, he's probably insensitive to pain."

"He's never given birth, Denise."

"Neither have you."

"But I've got the potential." Susie ginned and stepped confidently forward.

He squatted down and placed his hands on his knees. "Kick away, lad - you want to put on a good show for yon lass."

"Just a minute, your pig won't take offence, will he?"

"Spike's happy stuffing himself. You're in no danger; he takes his orders from me. He's proved a ferocious watchdog, better than any goose," he boasted. "Spike'd lay down his life for me."

"Is that how he lost his leg - or haven't you got a freezer?"

"Never you mind - get kicking." He worked his feet into the ground and waited.

"Don't break his leg or anything, Susie," I whispered.

"Don't worry, I won't do him any permanent damage."

She moved to one side. Owd Harry screwed up his eyes and steeled himself.

"Take that!"

Susie delivered a hefty kick up his backside.

"What are you playing at?" He gasped. "That's nowhere near my shin."

"Shin, did you say? I thought we were shit kicking."

Susie landed another blow and he pitched forward.

"Foul! Foul!"

"You moved - does that mean I win?"

"No ..."

Thump. Her final effort sent him sprawling in front of Spike who licked his face.

"I must be the winner," Susie cried. "You're down for the count."

"Down but not out," he gloated as he sprang to his feet. "Come here, it's my turn now."

"Do you know what?" Susie beamed. "I've decided to be generous - you can have the bloody cap." She took it off and skimmed it at him.

He ducked and then squinted even harder as Susie shook out her hair. "I knew there was something queer about you. Bloody women - they never play fair. I'll settle with you."

"Knees up time again, Denise," Susie laughed. "Come on, let's play catch us if you can."

She sprinted off through the trees with me hard on her heels.

"You won't make a fool of me," a furious Owd Harry yelled after us.

"If the cap fits, wear it," I called over my shoulder.

"Round 'em up, Spike. Go on, boy -bite their legs and give 'em gangrene."

I looked over my shoulder and saw the pig coming after us. "Come on, Susie, put on a spurt." I grasped her arm and pulled her along.

We raced out of the orchard and dashed across the field.

"One day, you're going to get us shot, Susie."

"I already have, Jeffrey."

We hurdled a dyke and started up a steep incline.

"We'll be okay now - three-legged pigs can't run uphill."

"I hope you're right about that because I'm getting a stitch," Susie gasped.

"Well, don't let up unless you want to be having some real ones."

Before she could reply, an ear-splitting squeal followed by a splash came from behind.

"Salvation, Jeffrey."

"It certainly sounds like it, Susie."

We both turned and looked back. Spike's wooden leg was rolling along and he had disappeared into the dyke.

"Fish your pig out of there," Susie cried triumphantly and punched the air. "Go on, Jeffrey, turn a cartwheel for your hero."

"Certainly not," I huffed. "Denise is a cut above that kind of thing and you should be too."

I took Susie's arm, tossed my head in the air and we strolled away to the sound of Owd Harry cursing his pet.

"Bloody pig - I'm having that other leg for Sunday dinner and getting you a pair of wheels."

"You don't think he was really eating his pig a piece at a time do you, Jeffrey."

"Who knows? As well as the leg, it did have an ear missing."

"It could have lost that in a fight."

"Or maybe it was a frustrated lovelorn painter."

"Well, it was lacking any balls - did you notice?"

"No, I didn't. I try my best to keep my eyes on higher things. I have enough trouble as Denise without going looking for it."

"Do they fatten up better with no balls?"

"We're not getting a pig. What do you want to know for?"

"Just curious, that's all. Would you like us to live out here on a farm, far from the madding crowd?"

"You'd be bored stiff; you've no interest in rural pursuits."

"I was pretty good at that shin kicking," she smirked. "I did okay as a country boy, Jeffrey."

"It was a very spunky display, Susie, but I've seen enough. Next thing you'll be wandering around wearing a flat cap and eating Hovis butties."

"There's no chance of that; I know what you like," she teased. "Me as Susie Charming, your principal boy."

"There's nothing wrong with a little playacting," I huffed. "Anyway, it's your fault - you fire up my imagination. All sorts of funny thoughts keep popping into my head."

"What's the latest idea you've been tossing around, Jeffrey?"

"If you must know, I've been fantasizing about Denise dressing up as a boy."

"Are you back in short trousers?"

"No," I snorted. "Mini-skirt and high heels."

"And panties and a bra?"

"Of course, I'm being Denise. I want to show off Pinky and Perky with a tight see-through blouse."

"Anything else?"

"You've done my make-up and hair - the full works."

"Where exactly does the boy bit come in?"

"I'm wearing my school tie."

 

Chapter 34

"Have you any idea at all where we are, Jeffrey?"

"We're in the middle of a field, Susie."

"Right - and which direction is home?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "We'll have to trust to luck until I can see the sun again; the low cloud has got me a little bit disoriented."

"Can't you smell the sea or something? Have a look round."

"I'd better not, Susie, let's keep on walking with our heads down. This is the biggest field I've ever been in. How about you?"

"Same here, Jeffrey - what difference does that make?"

"Well, If you weren't with me, I'm sure I'd be having an attack of agoraphobia."

"The sooner we get out of here, the better, then. Don't panic, I know what to do. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe ......... spells Constantinople. This way, Jeffrey."

"That wasn't very scientific, Susie."

"Have you a better idea?"

"No."

"Then follow me and keep your eyes glued to my bottom. I don't want you having a dizzy spell."

"You're selfless in your devotion to me, Susie - lead on."

She set off in her chosen direction and I tracked her in silence for twenty yards.

"You're very quiet - what are you doing back there, Jeffrey? "

"Nothing, Susie, just obeying orders."

"You're not doing a silly walk, are you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Susie stopped suddenly and turned. "Gotcha!"

"No, you haven't."

"You were up to something; I could sense it. My bottom was all of a tingle."

"Denise would never stoop so low," I huffed.

"Sorry, it must be all this walking."

"Jeffrey might, though." I ducked yet again and grabbed Susie around the waist. "Side by side from now on."

We reached the edge of the field and scrambled, arm in arm, down an embankment.

"God, Jeffrey, where are we now?"

"Back on the right track," I grinned. "Well done, Susie, we're not lost anymore. This is where the old railway line used to be."

"So all we have to do is follow the old iron road; it's as easy as that, is it?"

"We may need a little perseverance, nothing else - this line went straight to the ferry. Come on, the worst that can happen is we get run down by the ghost of the Pilling pig."

"Is that an old folk tale, Jeffrey?"

"No, it's the way my mind's working at the moment, Susie. You shouldn't get us involved in this Famous Five stuff."

"It's not me who's responsible for our hiking up and down all over the countryside - just you remember that."

"Well, at least I haven't put us in danger of getting our heads blown off - that must be a plus."

"Don't be so sure - you hear all sorts of stories about trigger-happy farmers."

"There's no danger of that. If we stick to the line, it'll be a leisurely walk the rest of the way."

"I suppose so," Susie conceded. "Okay, if we carry on along here, how far is it to the ferry?"

"It's stopped raining and it's all downhill," I parried.

"It'll probably start raining again and at best it's flat - how far?" Susie insisted.

"Ten miles - maybe a teensy bit more."

"You can forget that; I'll have blisters on my blisters," she wailed. "The first opportunity we get, we're back on the road and heading for the nearest village."

A mile later, Susie had her wish. We were shuffling along a high-hedged, narrow lane.

"We're definitely going in the wrong direction now," I moaned.

"Only temporarily, Jeffrey - I'm sure I've got the scent of a MacDonald's. All we have to do is follow my nose."

"You're hallucinating, that's the smell of the countryside."

"Is that a euphemism, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie."

We argued our way around the next bend where the hedge finally gave way to a dry-stone wall.

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey - come on, move yourself - I see salvation up ahead."

Susie forgot her sore feet and broke into a run. She kept going until we arrived at a stile.

"Is that where you want to go?" I indicated a signpost pointing over the field.

"Scronkey," Susie ruminated disappointedly. "Isn't that a disease of sheep, Jeffrey?"

"It's a village: the home of the legendary three-legged, wonky donkey of Scronkey." She gave me a sceptical look. "Honest, Susie - would I tell a lie?"

"Well, wipe that smile off your face, because if we don't get a bus, you'll be saddling it up."

She climbed over the stile and I reluctantly followed.

"I'd rather stick to the road, Susie; I don't like the look of this footpath. It's so overgrown; there's probably all sorts of hazards awaiting us."

"Hazards - what do you mean, hazards? All I can see is an empty field."

"Well, nettles and stuff. It's all right for you - you're wearing pants. I don't want to go wading through wet, thigh-high grass in a skirt. Anything might run up my leg."

"Don't be such a Mary-Ann, Jeffrey. You're wearing tights and knickers - nothing can get through."

"It's the thought of some creepy-crawly having its way with me. I feel vulnerable in these undies - they're so flimsy."

"You chose them."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, you would have done if I'd given you a choice; you're always keen to jump into the girliest stuff."

"I can't help myself," I pouted. "I put it down to the sheer novelty of the experience. But if I'd known I'd be hacking my way through the jungle, I'd ..."

"Quit moaning," Susie whacked aside a clump of nettles with her bag. "It's not so bad."

"It must be ages since anyone's been along here; it's been left like this to discourage ramblers. Who knows where it leads?"

"It leads to Scronkey, Jeffrey and that's where we're going."

"There's many a slip, Susie - all this land was once one huge bog. We could disappear without a trace."

Susie paused and ushered me to the front. "Perhaps it'd be better if you went first; it sounds like a little native caution wouldn't come amiss."

"Pass us your bag," I sighed. "Next time I come out with you, remind me to bring a machete."

"And a footbath, Jeffrey - don't forget the footbath."

"There's the village in the distance, Susie."

"About time too - I've had more than enough of the great outdoors."

"I hope not, Susie; I was working up a nice fantasy about us as intrepid female explorers."

"Really, Denise."

"Yes, we were having to share a sleeping bag - all our bits were bumping into each other."

"We can do that without leaving the house."

"But it wouldn't be the same."

"It's a fantasy - we can imagine we've done the fifty mile yomp. Now, stop wittering and let's cut across the field and get back on to the road. A shortcut of the shortcut is just what my feet need."

"We'll be trespassing again, Susie. We'd better stick to the footpath; I sense this farmer's not fond of walkers."

"Come on, it's only rough grass - what harm can we do?"

"I bet it's full of cowpats - they're treacherous. I fell in one on a picnic with cousin Carol. We were hurdling over them; she cleared the lot and I ended up skidding through on my backside."

"You did it on purpose so you'd have to go home in her skirt. I knew you had form with her," Susie crowed.

"The thought never entered my head," I huffed. "I had to sit in the car with a tartan rug covering me."

"Did you wrap it around and pretend you were a wee Scots lassie?"

"I may have fiddled with it a bit; I was bored by myself. I was glad when the heavens opened and we had to go home. It was so unfair - I got the whole blame for spoiling the day."

"Well, you can put your mind at rest; if anything happens, I won't make you go home in a pair of trousers. I'll get you another skirt from somewhere."

"You'd better: I don't want to be borrowing clothes from a scarecrow."

"You can trust me." Susie vaulted the fence into the field and stood waiting. "Your turn, hurry up and show a leg. Don't be shy, Denise - modesty is a virtue, but bashfulness is a vice."

I launched myself over the fence and landed beside her. "How was that, Susie?"

"Excellent, Denise - you were born to wear a tutu. Come on, let's trip the light fantastic across the field."

"When we get in trouble," I warned, "I expect you to make a cringing apology - no more cheeky stuff."

"We'll be two little lambs who've lost their way, Denise."

"Bah, Susie."

"I was just about to say that, Jeffrey."

We baa-baaed our way to the middle of the field.

"Stop it, Susie."

"You stop it first, Jeffrey."

"Baa."

"Baa."

"BBBUUUURRRRHHHHHH."

"Hell, Denise - how did you do that?"

"I didn't, Susie - and it wasn't the ghost of the Pilling pig, either. It sounded like a substantial earthly presence. I think we're in another fine mess."

From a thicket at the far end of the field, a large brown face with a white nose appeared.

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"It's a bull, Susie."

"And a bloody big one, Jeffrey."

I grabbed her by the hand. "It's important not to show fear, Susie."

"What should we show, Jeffrey - a white flag?"

"Insouciance, Susie, insouciance - and lots of it."

The huge animal came out into the open, pawed the ground and stared in our direction.

"Are bulls short-sighted, Jeffrey?"

"I don't think they're in the fighter pilot class, Susie."

"This one looks cross-eyed, Jeffrey."

The bull raised its head and sniffed at the air.

"It wouldn't help if he was one-eyed - he's got our scent."

"I told you we've been sweating too much, but you wouldn't listen." Susie dipped into her bag and gave us both a spray of Obsession. "Perhaps this will confuse the beast."

"Unless it's the one with essence of skunk, I shouldn't hold out too much hope. Let's back up slowly."

"I think we'll be okay, Jeffrey, after all the exercise we've been getting, we'll easily outrun it. He's not one of those athletic bulls."

"Appearances can be deceptive, Susie."

"Not that deceptive, Jeffrey. With those stumpy legs and heavy body, he won't be able to raise much of a gallop."

"We shouldn't bank on that, Susie; my survival book says rhinos can do forty miles an hour."

"What does it say about dealing with bulls?"

"Avoid them was the number one tip."

"It's too late for that now. What was next on the list?"

"Dodge."

"I hope you're not being deliberately obtuse, Jeffrey. I didn't know the bugger was lurking in the undergrowth like a snake in the grass."

"I don't blame you, Susie, this could have happened to anyone."

"It's no horns and a nice furry coat. Are you sure that's a bull? Perhaps it's just a big butch cow."

The creature moved off to one side keeping an eye fixed on us.

"He's shaggy with a ring in his nose and flagrantly masculine, Susie."

"I can see that now and it's enormous, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie - it's making me feel quite giddy."

"Steady, Denise, it's nothing Jeffrey hasn't seen in the changing room."

"I'm okay," I choked. "It just looks so out of proportion."

"You're right, he won't be wanting to break into a gallop with an unwieldy thing like that flopping about."

"I'm always amazed how the rugby crowd manage. It must be an awful handicap having a big thingy sloshing back and forth between your legs. I often wonder ..."

"This is no time for your daft musings, Jeffrey. He's circling us, just like that damn Prince. Do you think he's smart enough to be trying to cut us off from the gate?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised, Susie, but I wouldn't attribute it to intelligence - just low, primitive animal cunning."

"The bugger's not out to win Mastermind, Jeffrey, he'll be happy to give us a bloody good tossing - we're going to have to make a dash for it."

"If that's what you want to do, it's okay by me. Ready when you are."

"You're giving me that insouciant look again - are you so sure we can outrun it?"

"No, but I don't have to worry; I only have to outrun you - and I can do that even in a skirt."

"Jeffrey! That isn't very gallant. You should be the one to take the bull by the horns - if it had any, that is."

"I know," I sighed. I took off my jacket and held it by the sleeve. "Don't worry, Jeffrey's going to step forward and do his duty - yet again."

"Well, hurry up, he's pawing the ground. Are you going to fight him like a matador?"

"No, I'm bloody not. I'm going to run at him waving my coat; he'll charge, I'll wheel away and make for that tree. While he's distracted, you head for the gate."

"I'm not leaving Denise treed, Jeffrey."

"When you get there, kick up a fuss - wave your coat, do some whooping. The bull will lose interest in me, come after you and I'll be able to make it to the fence."

"Another masterly plan, Jeffrey - my mind boggles. I'll have to eat more fish in future if I want to keep up with you."

"No time for pats on the back now, Susie - here he comes."

I set off and I didn't need to encourage the bull; he bellowed and broke into a gallop.

"Wait until he's got his head down after me and then off you go," I cried.

"Show him a clean pair of thighs, Denise."

I stretched my legs and dashed for the safety of the tree. "How am I doing, Susie?"

"You'll be okay," she yelled in encouragement. "It can't do you much damage without any horns."

"But the bugger could give me a nasty knock with its knob," I shouted over my shoulder. "Isn't it time you stopped prattling and started running?"

"I'm on my way, Jeffrey."

I could hear the bull snorting and wheezing behind me. "You were right, Susie, he's no athlete, thank God."

"Onward and upward, Jeffrey, he's gaining on you."

It was a close run thing - I probably imagined his hot breath up my skirt, but it inspired me to scale the tree like a scalded cat.

"Made it, Susie," I cried.

The bull veered off to one side and caught the tree a glancing blow with his shoulder.

"Are you all right, Jeffrey?"

"I'm okay, apart from a pair of tattered tights," I yelled as I settled myself in the vee of the trunk.

"Hold on, he hasn't given up yet."

Head down, the bull charged and butted the trunk in frustration. The tree swayed and creaked. I crossed my legs and clung tightly to the branch.

"Hurry up with your diversion," I cried.

Down by the gate, Susie began running in a circle waving her coat.

"Over here, Billy Bull."

The beast remained snorting and panting under the tree.

"Go on, get away, you silly cow - this bird in the bush ain't coming down."

Susie let out a blood- curdling whoop but the bull only gave her a cursory glance and showed no interest in running her down.

"He looks buggered, Jeffrey - he's all charged out. What are we going to do if he won't chase me?"

"Come closer, Susie, let him think he's a sporting chance of catching you."

"How close is that?"

"I don't know. How fast can you run?"

"Jeffrey! This isn't the time to be finding out."

"Throw something at him."

"There isn't anything to throw."

"Well, moo like a cow, then. See if that arouses his interest."

"Bloody hell, Jeffrey, the things I do for you."

Susie cupped her hands around her mouth. "Moooo, moooo."

"That's never going to fool him. Can't you put some more bass into it?"

"Animal impressions aren't my speciality, Jeffrey. There's only one I'm any good at."

"Do that. If he thinks his space is being invaded, he might rouse himself."

"Okay, here goes.

"Oh, hell, Susie." I threw my hands up in despair. "That's no good."

I was proved wrong. Mr Bull gave his loudest snort yet and turned towards Susie.

"He must be a music critic; get moving - he's on his way."

"Suffering succotash - I didn't get a chance to finish my Sylvester; it's my best one - you'd swear he was in the room with you."

Susie set off for the gate at a casual lope. The bull must have scented success and he went into overdrive.

"Watch out, Susie, he's got his second wind. He means business."

She glanced over her shoulder. "Aaahh, Jeffrey, it's going to catch me."

"I'm coming, Susie."

I jumped down and raced after them. I was going to be too late, but then - after a last mighty snort - the bull's front legs splayed out sideways and it tumbled towards the gate.

"Get out of the way, Susie."

She threw herself to one side; the bull skidded past on the wet grass and crashed head first into the gate.

"It's deja moo all over again, Jeffrey."

We were leaning on the gate contemplating our latest victim.

"There isn't any blood this time, Susie."

"It's just as dead, though."

"You were too enthusiastic with your bull-baiting, Susie."

She threw up her hands in disbelief. "I don't know what happened - the beast just went down like a ton of bricks."

"I suppose it could have been overexertion."

"He must have had a dicky ticker, Jeffrey."

"I expect he had a massive rush of adrenaline or something."

"I certainly did," Susie shivered. "It's bad enough you making me sweat, now I'm clammy all over."

"Flushed with success - that's how I see you."

"I don't pong, do I, Jeffrey?"

"You always smell wonderful to me."

She sniffed under her arm. "It does have a certain piquancy," she grinned. "Actually, it's rather arousing."

"I know, Susie, but not now, we have other things to occupy us at the moment."

"He's a big fellow, Jeffrey. We're not going to be able to carry this one away and dump it. If only there wasn't such a big skid mark ..."

"And its head wasn't sticking through the gate."

"At least this time it died of natural causes."

"Well, almost."

"It was nothing to do with us, Jeffrey," she insisted. "It was an act of God. Perhaps they'll put it down to a lightning strike."

"Hardly, Susie."

"I don't see how anyone could say we were to blame."

"It's best we get away from here; we could be in trouble for tormenting a dumb animal."

"That would be a harsh verdict, Jeffrey."

"We won't be getting a sympathetic hearing. The owner's going to be out for someone's blood. Let's casually stroll down the lane like nothing has happened."

I took Susie by the arm and we crossed the road.

"Which way now, Jeffrey? We've come out on the wrong side of the field. I've lost my bearings."

"There's a farmhouse back there - we'll go in the opposite direction."

"That would seem to be our wisest course, Jeffrey."

"I only hope that was an average bull and not some highly priced animal."

"What's an average bull worth, Jeffrey?"

"Five thousand."

"Oh."

"You might well say 'Oh'."

"It was a good job we didn't cut off its ears, then."

"More than you know: I think it was a Limousin French bull - one of those went for a hundred thousand guineas."

"Just our luck if it was old Billy there, eh. I should think there'd be an almighty stink."

"I don't even want to think about it."

"You can relax, Jeffrey, they'll never suspect us. Schoolgirls just don't go around killing bulls."

"I never thought I'd say this, Susie, but maybe it would be better if we spent more of our time together shopping."

"You're right, we should cut down on our encounters with animals. Dogs, pigs and now bulls - I shudder to think what's next, Jeffrey."

"I know how you feel, Susie and if I have my way, we won't be visiting any safari parks in the future."

"Or china shops."

"Quite."

 

Chapter 35

"We're going round in circles," Susie moaned. "I'm sure we've been this way before. We'll be vanishing up our own posteriors next."

"I'll get us back on course," I promised. "Just be patient. We were in sight of Scronkey until we started taking your short-cuts - no more of them, okay."

"Why they couldn't have settled on a few straight roads instead of all these higgledy-piggledy lanes, I don't know. Didn't the Romans get this far?"

"It was a bog then. Just a minute, I have to do something." I leaned against the wall and lifted my skirt.

"What's the matter, Jeffrey, has all the excitement given you the collywobbles?"

"No, I'm thinking ahead: it's best not to go walking around in a torn pair of tights. I must look a right scruffbag - disreputable, even. You couldn't blame people if they thought I was a loose woman."

"It's your own fault," Susie chided. "If I'd had my way, you'd be laced up tight in one of Stephanie's gowns by now - a picture of feminine pulchritude."

"I can't say the idea doesn't have its attractions." I pulled off my tights and dangled them under Susie's nose. "Next time, get me costumed crime-fighter strength ones."

"Come here and turn round, you've woody bits all over." Susie brushed away at the back of my skirt. "You shouldn't go climbing trees, Denise."

"It's a full time job looking after you, Jeffrey."

"I know - and you'll have to give me your socks - otherwise, I think I may look a trifle uncouth."

"What about me?"

"You're okay in pants. You have to be careful when you're wearing a short skirt, Susie - there's a fine line between cute and common."

"You don't want to do a complete swap, do you?"

"No, I'm happy with you wearing the trousers - especially those trousers."

"What do you mean - what's wrong with them?"

"They flap about too much and they've a funny bottom. Denise wouldn't be seen dead in them."

"Turn around again - I think I missed a bit."

Whack!

"If I can't have a spaniel, how about a walnut tree?"

Whack!

"We're too far north and it's too wet and windy."

Whack!

"And you haven't the patience to be a gardener."

Whack!

"I'll just have to keep getting my exercise this way, then."

Whack!

"There - that's sorted you out."

"Thanks, Susie - I feel better for it. Can I have your socks now?"

"Better not do that." I held her arm as she prepared to throw the tights over the wall. "They'll only end up choking someone's prize goat."

"You're quite right: we should follow the country code and take our litter home with us."

"Another thing we should do, Susie, is get our story straight. We're bound to be asked ask what we're doing and why we aren't in school. Country folk are curious about strangers."

"Nosy is what I call it."

"We'll stick as close to the truth as possible. We'll say we got on the wrong bus, were overcome with tiredness, fell asleep and ended up miles out of our way."

"That could lead to more questions. Like, why aren't we at school and why did two, in the pink, young girls fall asleep."

"We can say we're recuperating from whooping cough - that'll get us a bit of sympathy."

"How about mumps? That's scarier - it can make you sterile. We can cough and sneeze - that should put a quick end to any conversation."

"There you go again; you always have to over-egg the pudding, Susie."

"I don't know what you mean, Jeffrey."

"Yes, you do: you can be a jabbernaut at times and veer dangerously out of control. The tales you tell - it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to suffer the consequences."

"You could give Scheherazade a run for her money, yourself. Come to think of it," Susie smiled mischievously, "Denise would make a very appealing slave-girl in a harem costume. How about it?"

"Would I be chained up?"

"Mikey has a pair of police handcuffs somewhere - we could use those."

"That wouldn't be very authentic - can't you get some manacles?"

"We'll have to use our imagination. I'll tell you what - I'll dress up as Aladdin and show off my legs for you."

"I suppose it'd be a step up from being Dick Whittington's cat. I don't fancy that."

"What do you mean? I've never suggested any such thing."

"Didn't you? Then I must have dreamt it. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping a grip on reality at the moment."

"Maybe it was the night I tickled your tummy and you purred for me."

"That's every night, Susie."

"So it is, Jeffrey."

"Aw, not another shower; I'm beginning to feel bedraggled, Susie."

"Me too, Jeffrey. Watch out, there's a van coming up behind us - get away from that puddle."

We broke into a run and escaped with only spattered legs. The van stopped and a young man, wearing a coonskin hat, waved at us out of the window.

"Come on, get in."

"Are we going to risk a lift or drowning, Jeffrey?"

"A lift, but you sit next to the driver - I don't like the look of his headgear."

"He's not a hoodie, Jeffrey."

"Maybe not, but I want to keep my knees well away from him and be ready for an emergency exit."

The driver waved again. "Hurry up, I've a delivery to make."

I let Susie pull me along to the passenger door, but I made sure I shoved her in first.

"God, what's that stink?" she gasped. "It's a ten on the Richter scale of smells."

I was halfway in when the fetid odour of rotten fish swept over me.

"Uuuggh!"

"You'll soon get used to it my little ducklings," the driver chuckled. "It's no worse than a couple of overripe kippers to me now."

My stomach turned over, but it wasn't the stench. I knew the owner of that voice and laugh.

"It's too much for me," I choked. "I'll have to get out."

I hit reverse, but Susie leaned across and slammed the door, trapping me.

"We'll survive, Denise - it's better than getting soaked. Let's see if this helps."

She dug out her perfume and gave us both a long spray. I pretended to get an eyeful and buried my face in my hands. "Give me your hanky, Susie."

The van jolted forward. "Hold tight," the driver laughed, "I haven't quite got the hang of this yet."

Susie pulled my hands away from my face. "Stop being a silly sausage, Denise and thank this kind gentleman for being a true knight of the road."

"I can't," I hissed in her ear. "He's known Jeffrey for years."

"Don't panic - I'm with you. Two little lambs will be able to pull the wool over his eyes."

"I'd need the full bride outfit, a groom and a nursing baby to fool him."

Our whispering only excited the driver's curiosity and he looked across to see what was going on. His eyes widened as they fell on me.

He blinked a couple of times. "Sorry for staring, you remind me of someone I know." He blinked again. "When did you ..." He shook his head and turned from me to Susie. "Is Denise your sister?"

"Sometimes, it depends on how the mood takes us."

I gave him a weak smile as he again studied my face.

"Don't do that - you're upsetting Denise."

"Sorry ... sorry. I can't get over what a pair of good-looking girls you are."

"Yes you can, Ernie. Keep your eyes on the road; we don't want to end up in the ditch. I'm having enough problems with my identity crisis."

"How do you know my name?"

"Give over, Ernie, you know it's me."

"Know it's who?"

"Jeffrey - Jeffrey Smith."

"The only Jeffrey I know is a chubby little fellow - or he was when I last saw him." He turned to Susie. "Is your friend feeling okay?"

"Denise is miffed because I dragged her out in the rain. She's being contrary." Susie poked me in the ribs. "Shut bloody up," she hissed.

"It's no good, Susie, he was our window cleaner for five years and he worked for my dad in the afternoons. I hung around him all the year I was off school - he knows exactly who I am."

"No, I don't." Ernie gave me a puzzled look. "Are you Jeffrey or Denise?"

I gave Susie a prod. "You can explain it better than me."

"He's Jeffrey most of the time, but I talked him into being Denise for me today. I was bored; it's just a bit of harmless fun. We didn't expect to run into anybody we knew out here."

Ernie gawped across at me again.

"I wish you'd keep your eyes on the road," I mumbled and shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "There could be anything around the next bend."

"I'd swear you were a Denise," he spluttered. "Jeffrey wasn't one to go around playing dress-up. There's more to it than that, isn't there?"

"Just a teensy-weensy little bit," I confessed. "I may have developed a slight compulsion to show off my feminine side. You know how it is, Ernie," I hinted, "when you can't stop yourself from doing something."

"Only too well," he nodded sadly. "I only hope it doesn't get you in as much trouble as it has me."

"Jeffrey will be okay if we keep his secret, Ernie."

"You needn't worry about me on that score. We understand about the code of silence in delicate matters don't we, Jeffrey?"

"That's right - the less said the better; it's sort of a private thing between me and Susie."

"Does your mum know?"

"Yes, she's okay about it. I'd been a bit of a trial to her over the summer and she's more relieved than anything that I'm behaving normally again - right, Susie."

"Spot on, Denise, she couldn't be happier, believe me."

"Actually, Ernie, this is the best things have been since dad died."

"A fine man, your father - I'm sorry I missed the funeral, but they wouldn't give me a day release as he wasn't a relative."

"You should have stuck to burglary, Ernie, and left safes alone. In fact, you should never have given up your bucket and ladders."

"The court confiscated my ladders and I was left sitting on my bucket like oor bloody Wullie. They took away my one means of earning a legitimate living."

"You always boasted you could turn your hand to anything; you were a regular jack of all trades."

"You have to give up the boy stuff some time, Jeffrey. A man's got to have ambition - I'm going to make something out of my life."

"You're lucky to still have a life. 'They've saved Ernie from blowing himself up,' was what mum said when she found out you'd been arrested with a bagful of gelignite."

"I knew what I was doing. I didn't waste my time in the army. I picked up a lot of useful stuff there."

"You were only in three weeks and that was in the catering corp."

"And the stores - I'd still be there if I hadn't been a little too greedy. It's my same old failing," he sighed. "I'm afraid I have deep-rooted criminal tendencies, but I'm fighting them."

"Hold on a minute," Susie interrupted. "You haven't moved on to disposing of dead bodies, have you? That's still an overpowering stink - it's swamping our Obsession."

"It's only fish, Susie."

"Trust you to know that, Jeffrey."

"It's the best you can get," Ernie bragged. "Well, it was - I got a couple of boxes for nowt, because it'd gone off a bit."

"What on earth do you want with rotten fish?" Susie choked. "Why don't you throw it out?"

"I'll be dropping it off soon; I'm an entrepreneur now," he grinned. "I'm going to do a swap. It's a much sought after commodity in some quarters. The smellier the better."

"It's too much. I need the window seat. Come on, Jeffrey, move over - let me get some air."

Susie clambered over and Ernie paid me close attention as I settled myself down next to him.

"Are you sure you aren't the real thing, Jeffrey? Everything is in the right place and bounces as it should."

"I have some stubborn chubbiness in a couple of strategic places, that's all."

"It's also putting up a gallant rear-guard action, but you can't see that at the moment - Denise is sitting on one of her prime assets."

"There's a lot of muscle down there under the fat," I protested. "It's just an unfortunate overall effect." I sighed and turned to Susie. "That's not what I mean, but it's hard to put into words."

"Along with everything else, Jeffrey's having a bit of a problem puberty. You do understand how important it is not to make things more difficult for him, don't you Ernie?"

"My silence is a matter of honour." He gave me a pat on the knee. "This little chap kept me out of prison."

"I really believed what you told me."

"And the police believed what you told them."

"I don't know about that, but my dad made a hell of a fuss when he found out two of them had come round and questioned me alone for an hour."

"Sorry about that, but it certainly buggered up their case. I was released without a stain on my character - just a caution."

"It didn't do you much good in the long run."

"No, my past caught up with me, but I've served my time and now I'm a totally reformed character - well, almost."

"This is your van, isn't it?"

"Yes," he smiled, "and it's fully taxed and insured." He gave me another pat on the knee. Feels to me like the real thing.

"It's only a knee; you can't tell much from that."

"Oh yes, you can."

"You don't seem too surprised by all this, did you have some inkling about it before?" Susie asked.

"No, he didn't," I spluttered.

"I haven't seen Jeffrey for over three years - circumstances beyond my control, you understand. When I think about it," he reflected, "I'd be more shocked if he'd grown into a strapping six-footer. To tell the truth, this seems more natural."

"That's exactly what I tell him."

"How are things ... you know ... what I mean is - are you, like, still interested in BBC weather girls, Jeffrey?"

"Not in that way, since I met Susie; she's my girlfriend now. Things are more complicated than you can imagine." I crossed my fingers. "We're like that, aren't we, Susie?"

She put her arm around me. "We're inseparable, Jeffrey."

"We've something in common, then; I'm married now, with a little un - my wild days are over. I'm going to be a valuable member of society or my name isn't Ernie Crockett."

"Your name's Longbottom."

"I've taken the wife's name - she sent me to Wolverhampton until I agreed. Now, I'm one of those new men."

"You're still wearing that belt made up of buckles."

"Purely a fashion item - no more Saturday night scraps for me."

Susie peered over at it. "Do you think that'd be as good as a brolly in an emergency, Jeffrey?"

"Not to me, Susie."

"What's this? I thought you were a pacifist, Jeffrey."

"I'd still like to be in theory, but now I've a girlfriend to take care of, it's goodbye to all that."

Susie put her arm around me. "Be fair, Jeffrey - we're a mutual protection society."

"Just what have you two been up to - how did you get out here?"

We told him our story - minus the mumps - and a few other minor details.

"It sounds like you're being Denise at every opportunity."

"Not exactly, like I told you, I'm the victim of an unusual set of circumstances."

"And me - don't forget to give me credit," Susie insisted. "I'm the evil genius behind all this."

"No, you're not," I protested. "I'm the brains in this outfit."

"Sez you."

"I have to believe Jeffrey about that," Ernie laughed. "I was always amazed at the amount of stuff he had crammed into that little head of his. I learned more from him than all of my teachers."

"Denise has got something of the school mistress - and librarian - about her," Susie grinned.

"I don't know about that, she looks more the naughty schoolgirl to me."

"I've had a hectic morning," I protested, "I've lost some of my natural air of authority."

"The skirt doesn't help either - I never had any teachers show their legs like that."

I squirmed and made an unsuccessful attempt to pull it down. "There's something wrong with this skirt, Susie, it insists on riding up."

She smacked my hand. "Don't Denise, you're going to rip it."

"Hold on, rough road ahead," Ernie called out and made a sharp right turn. "This is where I'm dropping off the fish."

"Not before time," Susie sighed in relief. "I hope this smell hasn't got in our hair. Close your eyes, Denise."

I did and just in time - another spray of perfume hit me full in the face as we hit a big pothole.

"What's that sliding about in the back?" I gasped as I wiped my eyes. "You haven't been up on a church roof again, have you?"

"I told you: I've put all that behind me. It's only a manhole cover. I found it sticking up in the road; if I hadn't removed it, there could have been a nasty accident."

"You did the right thing," Susie agreed. "Someone could have tripped over it and sued the council."

"I thought of doing that, but I've had no luck with lawyers. They've always lost when representing me. After listening to my last one, even I believed I was guilty."

"I don't know why you bother, Ernie. My dad was always saying what a hard worker you were."

"I can't help myself; I just have to see if I can get away with it."

"We know exactly what you mean, don't we, Denise?"

"All too well, Susie."

"Bit of a thrill is it, Jeffrey, old son?"

"You don't know the half of it, Ernie."

 

Chapter 36

"This place looks like a bombsite," Susie exclaimed.

Ernie had pulled up in the yard of a peeling whitewashed cottage with more cardboard in the windows than glass.

"Be tactful, Susie," I cautioned. "This may be Buckingham Palace to some poor folk."

"Ima and Neezer are the salt of the earth," Ernie assured us as he leapt out. "Don't trip over anything and don't pat the goats."

He picked up a fish-box from the back and strode across the yard to one of the outbuildings.

"Come on, Jeffrey, let's get some fresh air."

"After you, Susie - check there's nothing with horns coming our way."

She got out and took a deep breath. "Aw, it pongs worse out here than in there - what is it?"

"The perfume of the farmyard."

"It's the stink of the cesspit and I think we're slap-bang in the middle of it. Mind where you put your feet."

I closed the door behind me and we found an island of dry land to stand on near the van.

"Sorry about this, Susie. Ernie has an unusual circle of friends."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd be one of them."

"Dad liked him. He's a bit of a rogue and a romancer, but there's no real harm in him."

"Apart from the larceny and the street fighting."

"You heard what he said - it was just a passing phase. He's probably grown out of it now - more or less."

"Don't be naive, Jeffrey."

"Can't we give him the benefit of the doubt," I appealed. "Besides, he's always been good to me."

"He's a tea-caddy, Jeffrey."

"A what, Susie?"

"A thief - it's rhyming slang."

"It's tea-leaf."

"Are you sure? Tea-caddy has more of a ring to it."

"Don't call him either; I wouldn't like to hurt his feelings. Think of him as someone who finds things before they're lost."

"Well, I suppose you can't choose who your friends are."

"Yes, you can, Susie."

"Sometimes people latch onto you, Jeffrey."

I gave her a quizzical look. "Isn't that what you did?"

"In a way, but I'm a special case - not everyone will have your best interests at heart like me."

"Well, here's another chance for you to show your devotion to me - we're wanted."

Ernie was waving at us from across the yard. "I've finished negotiating," he shouted. "You can bring the other box over."

Susie gave us both another long spray of her perfume. "The adverts don't mention this stuff isn't effective against rotten fish; I've a good mind to take it back."

I led the way to the back of the van. "Come on, let's get it over with."

We opened the doors and a wave of foul air swept over us.

"Crikey, Jeffrey, this is like being on one of those Japanese torture shows."

"I know exactly what you mean, Susie," I sighed. "At least, it's covered up - hold your breath and grab an end."

We pulled the box towards us, lifted it out and staggered away.

"I wonder what was strapped down under those blankets back there, Jeffrey - it was an elaborate arrangement."

"It's best not to ask; the less we know the better - believe me. Forget it and watch where you're going. One wrong step and we'll be falling on our eyelashes."

"I hope we aren't invited to a fry-up," Susie hissed as we negotiated our way across what could have been a scrap yard. "If this is anything to go by, they may actually be going to eat the stuff."

"I bet there's all sorts of interesting objects buried away in here, Susie. You never know what we might find; there's a good market for agricultural antiques."

"You stick to being Denise - don't go rooting around," she warned.

"I can just look."

"No, you can't. This is what happens when collecting rubbish gets out of hand. We don't want your back garden to end up like this; it'd give dad apoplexy - estate agents are sensitive about such things."

"Careful, Susie, company is on the way. 'One never loses anything by politeness' should be our motto."

We set the box down on an old coalbunker and a woman in a pair of battered wellingtons and a big floppy hat came over, pulled back the sacking and sniffed at it enthusiastically. "Here, Neezer, see what Ernie's fetched us."

A man emerged from the cottage followed by two goats. "Afternoon, Ernie," he called. "Who are the childer?"

"Susie and Denise, they were caught in the rain and I gave them a lift."

He shooed the goats away and shambled over to us.

"We don't have many visitors this time of the year- what are you doing out here?"

"We're two little babes who got lost in the wood," Susie smiled.

"Don't be nosy, Neezer, come and look at this."

From under the top layer of plaice, she drew out a giant koi carp.

"Hens'll be laying golden eggs after eating this little lot," she gloated. "How many of these are there, Ernie?"

"A good few: they were the victims of an unfortunate accident." He gave me a guilty look. "They don't keep very well; the sooner you get them in the swill-boiler the better."

"We've been transporting hot fish," I whispered to Susie.

Neezer picked up the boxes and set off across the yard. He sniffed at us as he passed. "There's a ripe pong around here, Ima."

"Manners, Neezer - town fowk can't help smelling queer. You stay there my lovelies, I've a treat for you."

She turned on her heel and headed towards the ramshackle door of the cottage.

"Funny looking cod, that," Ernie laughed. "It must be one of those mutilations."

"What have you been up to? You know very well it was Moby."

"Moby - who's Moby? I've never heard of him."

"Yes you have - he was hidden in that box."

"I'm just disposing of some past their sell-by date fish," he blustered. "I got it from a friend on the dock; everything's totally legit."

"Moby's the three foot long, one-eyed, bright yellow koi that went missing from a garden centre last week - with thirty of his friends."

"I saw that in the paper, Jeffrey; they said he was worth three thousand pounds. Get after him before he's turned into mush, there could be a reward."

"It's too late now, Susie, he's suffered a dramatic fall in value. He's no longer an ornament to his profession."

"If he was someone's pet, they may still want him back for sentimental reasons; he'd look fine up on the wall in a glass case. He could be stuffed, fitted with a microchip and displayed as a singing carp."

"You're entering the realms of fantasy again, Susie."

"He'd be a lot less trouble dead than alive," she snorted. "You wouldn't have to take him walks."

"This is serious, Susie; it's just the sort of bizarre crime that attracts attention." I turned to Ernie. "Is this your latest get-rich-quick scheme - fish rustling?"

"No, I don't think so. It was what my probation officer calls an opportunistic theft."

"Veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, they stuck to my hands. Was that it?"

"More or less. I'm afraid it's the same old story, Jeffrey - they had them and I didn't." He shrugged his shoulders in resignation. "Anyway, it's cruel keeping wild creatures in captivity, I liberated them."

"Not for long."

"That wasn't my fault. I couldn't find a fish fence and when I got home, the toddler had given them a bubble bath. I've learned my lesson," he groaned. "I won't be acquiring any more perishable goods."

There was a deep gurgling noise from across the yard and a cloud of foul steam blew our way.

"Best forget the whole thing, they're hen food now," Susie choked.

"I never had any luck with my goldfish, either," Ernie moaned. "I gave them the proper food and everything, but they always went belly-up within a week. Tell me, Jeffrey, how do they come by ant-eggs in the wild?"

"Same way they get breadcrumbs."

He was pondering this when Ima returned carrying a battered enamel jug and three chipped mugs.

"Will you have a sup of this, Ernie?"

"Yeah, give us drop." He reached out and took one of the mugs.

"How about you, young uns?"

"What is it?" Susie enquired warily.

"Something full of goodness - just what growing girls need. Here, have a sniff of that." She thrust a mug under Susie's nose. "Warm goat's milk; we were milking them when you landed."

"No thanks," Susie flinched. "I'm being sponsored as a vegan this week, but Denise is always looking for something to boost her brain power."

"I don't know about that, but this'll round her out nicely." She smiled across at me. "Boys like a nice comfy girl. Here get this down - you look fair clemmed."

"Here's a chance for you to show me how a polite young lady behaves, Denise," Susie whispered.

I took the mug, and Ernie clinked cups in encouragement. "Bottoms up, Denise."

Susie stifled a laugh. I closed my eyes and drank it off in one go.

"That was lovely; it reminds me of home." I licked my lips and grinned at Susie.

"Shut up, Heidi, you're scaring Ima to death."

"I'm sorry, Ima, it's our little private joke. I'll have Susie's if you don't mind, these silly fashion victims don't know what's good for them."

She eagerly refilled my mug. "You'll be blooming after drinking this." She turned to Susie. "I don't hold with these modern food fads - growing girls need stuff with some oomph in it. You be careful, young lady, or you'll end up on the Golden Mile as the Boneless Wonder."

"Or the Bearded Lady - crank diets can play havoc with your hormones, Susie. Don't say you haven't been warned."

"I'm eating sensibly to keep in trim, Denise. It wasn't so long ago you were boasting of your boyish figure."

"I didn't," I huffed. "I just said I was svelte through exercise. It's a different thing altogether."

"That's right, dear, work hard and you can eat what you like."

"You should have some fun as well, that's why I've signed up Denise as my badminton partner."

"When did you do that?" I spluttered. "Is this something else you've been keeping from me?"

"No, we've been so busy it just slipped my mind; I'll explain later."

Before I could find out more, Neezer rejoined us with three dirty eggs in each hand.

"Hey up, hold out your hat to put these in."

Susie pulled me towards her and murmured in my ear. "Lucky I got rid of that baseball cap or I'd be taking chicken shit home with me - and not on my feet."

I caught the questioning look in Ima's eye. "Sorry," I apologised, "Susie's not being rude; she can't resist whispering sweet nothings in my ear."

Susie responded by giving me a less than chaste snog. "It's okay, we do it all the time - we're kissing cousins," she laughed as Ima's eyes widened.

"Them fish be boiling up reet nicely with the mash," Neezer beamed, licking his lips. "It'd be a sin to let the hens have it all; we'll have a plateful for supper. You folk can drop by if you like."

"Another time perhaps," Ernie coughed. "I've a tricky job later and these two have to get back across the river. We'd better be on our way."

"Yes, we mustn't miss the last ferry," Susie smiled, "or we'll be swimming home."

"Thanks for the milk," I added as we waved goodbye. "Susie doesn't know what she's missed."

"See thi again soon," they chorused as we made our way to the van.

Susie gave us another precautionary spray of perfume before we settled ourselves down to be bounced back along the track onto the road.

"What was that about badminton, Susie?"

"Nothing, just idle banter - you know how I like to pull your leg."

"There's more to it than that."

"I promise there isn't - shush, now." She leant over and wiped the froth from my mouth. "That lipstick's certainly got staying power, Denise, you'll have to brazen it out at school tomorrow."

"I'm not going. Like you said, wearing make-up's against the school code - they'd send me home."

"Perhaps it only applies to girls - you may have a loophole there."

"Forget it, I'm not putting my head in a noose."

"If it doesn't come off soon, you're going to need a good excuse. How about an allergy - they're very fashionable. I'll have to get googling."

"I'd rather you didn't, Susie. I can do without any more of your misinformation. You should have learnt your lesson after our past experiences."

"I can't argue with you there, Jeffrey."

"What are you two on about?"

"Never you mind - concentrate on your driving - we don't want to be pulled over by the police. I dread to think what else you've got in the back."

"Yes, what's that under the blanket?"

"I told you not to ask, Susie."

"Just the tools of my new trade," Ernie smiled. "All will be revealed before we finally say goodbye."

"Change the subject, Susie."

"Okay - tell me why faddy Jeffrey downed that goat's milk."

"One of us had to and you got your excuse in first."

"Is that all?"

"She reminded me of Gran - not that Gran isn't a bit more hygienic."

"I blooming hope so, Jeffrey. I'm not a fusspot like you, but I do have minimum standards."

"She prides herself on her cooking - don't you refuse anything when we go round."

"You're not the only one who can turn on the charm for old ladies, Jeffrey. I'll wolf it all down."

"You won't be disappointed; she does wonderful things with offal. She could teach that chap who cooks up all those bits nobody else will eat a thing or two."

"No more details, please, Jeffrey; I'd rather the whole thing remained a mystery to me."

"Like in the fast-food places."

"Exactly."

"Actually, Susie, I needed that milk; I was really thirsty. You should have had some; you'll be dehydrating with all the sweat you've lost."

"I am parched, Jeffrey, but that all looked so unhygienic. It wasn't pasteurised, you know - and those dirty old mugs - ugh!"

"Not to worry, we're almost in Scronkey," Ernie smiled. "I'll be stopping to refresh myself before my next job; you can get something there. I know a place that will suit you down to the ground."

"The fabled Scronkey," Susie sighed as the village came in sight. "I was beginning to think the place didn't exist. Why aren't there any signs around here?"

"People steal them as soon as they're put up. It's such a funny old name that they've become collector's items," Ernie grinned.

"Is that what you've got in the back?"

"No, I have to be careful what I transport, but I know where I can lay my hands on one."

"How about getting it for your bedroom wall, Jeffrey?"

"No thanks, Susie."

 

Chapter 37

"The Cosy Kettle - just the place for two young ladies to take afternoon tea, Denise."

"I think we may be underdressed, Susie, it looks a posh place."

"Mrs Henshaw's a cleanliness is next to godliness fanatic," Ernie warned. "Don't forget to wipe your feet before you go in - she's thrown out customers for less."

"Aren't you coming, Ernie?"

"No, I'm off to the Toad and Bucket. I need fortifying for my next mission."

"Why should you be nervous?"

"The job will be a new venture for me, Jeffrey. If it's a success, it could be the start of glorious career."

"Turning up drunk won't help."

"Don't worry, all I'm having is a bracer - and what I can get as a swap for six top quality free-range eggs. I know I'm going to need a clear head and a steady hand."

"Well, keep that in mind."

"See you back here, in half an hour."

He gave us a cheery wave and swaggered off down the street.

"If he needs Dutch courage, we'd be wise to say goodbye to Ernie right now," I whispered to Susie.

"We'll talk about it later, Jeffrey. At present, all I want is a nice cup of tea in civilised surroundings - and to put my feet up."

We carefully inspected each other's shoes before we entered the tearoom.

"Is everything okay, Susie?"

"Fine - just pull your skirt down a bit and be careful not to make an exhibition of yourself."

"I'll keep my end up," I huffed as I tiptoed to the nearest seat. "See that you behave yourself."

"Spotless - this is more like it," Susie crowed as she spread her hands over the pristine tablecloth.

The woman at the counter broke off from drying pots with a dazzling white tea towel and came over to us.

"We wiped our feet," Susie smiled up at her.

That didn't satisfy her and she closely inspected my bare legs.

"You're not leftovers from the Nudefest, are you?"

"The what?" Susie queried.

"The Nudefest: they've been here for a weekend gathering. I want nothing to do with any of them."

"I don't know where you got that idea from - we're clothes mad, aren't we, Denise?"

"Your friend's walking around half-naked."

"No, I'm not," I protested. "I had a little accident with my tights, that's all."

"Nice girls didn't have those sort of accidents in my day," she sniffed.

"I know what you mean," Susie agreed. "Denise is a trouble magnet; I have my work cut out keeping a tight rein on her."

"Well, see that you do while you're in here; I'm forever having to tidy up after careless customers."

"It's beautifully clean in here," Susie remarked. "You could eat off the floor; we were lucky to find such a place."

Mrs Henshaw managed a thin smile. "What would you like my dear?"

"A big pot of tea and something to go with it."

"I've some home-made scones."

"That'll be fine. What do you fancy, Denise?"

"A banana, Susie - I don't want to be any trouble," I murmured without looking up.

The woman returned to the counter and Susie leaned forward. "Don't sulk, Denise, I'm dying for a drink; I'm too thirsty to argue with her."

"I look quite respectable, don't I, Susie?"

"Of course you do, Denise, but be careful how you eat your banana, I don't want us to be making an early exit."

"I think she's a bit of a disciplinarian. Look at her hair. Having it pulled back so tight must be real uncomfortable."

"You don't fancy that style, then."

"No, I like to be able to give my hair a good swish. Don't you go trying it out, either - I like running my fingers through your gorgeous tresses."

"It does give you an air of authority, though," Susie mused.

"If that's what you want, I'd rather see you in a pair of thigh boots. Actually, I wouldn't mind trying some on myself - shiny black ones."

"Calm down, Denise, here she comes; we have to be on our best behaviour."

Mrs Henshaw returned with the order, put down the tray, inspected the cups and gave them another vigorous polish with her shiny white cloth.

"Careful with your crumbs - it's hard work keeping this place immaculate. You wouldn't believe the dirty habits some folk have; they'd be happy living in a pig sty."

"Pigs are clean animals, it's not their fault the way they're forced to live," I mumbled. "We know a boy who kept one in the house as a pet."

"He's not the only one around here," the woman shuddered. "They all end up on the table, though. Isn't that what happened to his?"

"Yes," Susie grimaced, "I was shocked."

"The locals are a bunch of heathens," Mrs Henshaw hissed, giving the table an energetic wipe. "And the tourists are just as bad. I hope your friend's not a free-lover like those nudists."

"I let Denise amuse me with a little of her free thinking, but that's as far as it goes."

"I hope so, or I'll be showing you the door too. The cheek of them - coming in here, in their rope sandals and kaftans, fresh from their naked thrutching, I shouldn't be surprised."

"I'd have thought it was a bit late in the year for that sort of thing," Susie suggested.

"I wish it had rained all weekend and sent them running for home," she exclaimed.

"They've gone now, have they? We wouldn't want to risk an unexpected encounter."

"Until next year - him up at the Hall can't wait to have them back. He'll rent out his land to any ragtag and bobtail. He claims to be a descendant of Geoffrey the Crossbowman, the original Lord of the Manor. He goes around glad-handing everybody. He'd shake hands with a cardie, but he doesn't fool me, he's nothing more than a common little spiv."

She polished the air with her towel and flounced off. We could hear her expressing her disapproval all the way out of the room.

"Phew! She has an incredible tut-tut, Denise."

"I don't notice such things in other women since I met you, Susie."

"That's how it should be, Jeffrey." She picked up the teapot. "Shall I be mother?"

"You certainly shall, Susie, but not today, thanks. That goat's milk was very filling - I'll just have my banana."

Susie poured out a cup for herself. "Would you like to have a baby, Denise?"

"Not at the moment, Susie. The truth is, I find the whole thing a bit overwhelming."

"Don't go frightening me, Jeffrey, that's not what I want to hear."

"Well, Cheyenne did make my breasts tingle a bit, but I suppose it doesn't count - because you do that and more."

"I'm gratified to hear it, Denise."

"Or I could be suffering from a touch of jogger's nipple. Do your breasts tingle much, Susie?"

"Shush, this isn't the place to discuss tingling breasts; she's probably got ears like a bat."

"Drink up, then, before we say something we regret."

Susie took a long swig of her tea. "That's better," she sighed. She emptied the cup, refilled it and started on a scone. "The woman may be a dragon, but there's nothing wrong with her baking."

"She's a bit obsessed with polishing; she never puts that cloth down. She carries the thing around like a security blanket."

"There's no harm in that as long as she doesn't chew on it. I'm reassured to know I'm eating in a place with the highest standards of hygiene."

"You can be too clean, Susie."

"Not as far as I'm concerned, especially after our encounter with Ima. There were probably all sorts of germs in that milk."

"Now you're frightening me, Susie."

"Sorry, they were probably just your everyday variety - nothing deadly."

"I'm off to the toilet."

"I was only joking - remember not to lift the seat up."

When I got back, Susie was licking the remains of the scones from her plate. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"I daren't leave a crumb. Look, she's back again polishing the crockery."

"She was in the toilet just now."

Susie stared at me. "You look a little flushed. What's the matter - did she catch you standing up?"

"No, it isn't that."

"What is it then - did you see a floater?"

"No, it's spotless in there like everywhere else."

"Don't keep me guessing. Come on, tell me."

"It's something you're better off not knowing."

"Jeffrey!" She hissed under her breath. "We've no secrets from one another."

"Well, if you insist. When I went in there, she was down on her hands and knees polishing away in the toilet bowl."

"So, that's no big surprise."

I paused for a moment. "With the same shiny white tea towel she uses on the pots and plates."

"Ugh!" Susie hawked and spit out. "I've got fluff on my tongue from it."

"Do you want another cup to wash it down?"

"Not bloody likely. That tea is probably swimming in salmonella."

"It'll be the other way round, surely."

"This isn't funny, Jeffrey," she hissed, "I could have been poisoned."

"Don't worry, like my granddad says - every man must eat a peck of dirt before he dies."

"You and your bloody granddad," Susie cried. "Quit grinning and pass me the sick-bag."

"I'm sending health and safety round there, Jeffrey, that woman's a menace."

We were back in the street and Susie hadn't been sick in spite of putting her fingers down her throat.

"You'll be fine; dogs drink out of toilet bowls all the time and they thrive on it. Besides, it was awash with Harpic in there - the germs didn't stand a chance."

"You're right, Jeffrey, I could taste it in the tea. I thought it was some posh stuff like Earl Grey - I'm only used to PG Tips."

We wandered down the street to a little general store. "How about buying me a new pair of tights, Susie? I feel half undressed like this."

"Here you are." She offered me her purse.

"No, you get them; I might make a fool of myself buying women's things."

"Don't be daft."

"I'm not. I've never bought them before. I might mess up on the technical details."

"Technical details! What are you talking about? It's not like we're shopping at Tightserama; there'll be no choice here - it'll be take it or leave it."

"Where's Tightserama, Susie?"

"In my head, Jeffrey, I made it up."

"Oh, did you?" I showed my disappointment. "It sounded an interesting place to go. I would have liked to have had a look around a place like that."

"We can go back to Bustop anytime."

"It's a little cramped in there; everything's on top of you. I prefer somewhere we can browse around undisturbed. My choice of underwear isn't something I want to be discussing with total strangers."

"It's lingerie, Jeffrey and you weren't so shy in front of Stephanie - you revelled in it."

"I didn't have much choice," I protested. "Anyway, she's not doolally like that woman at Bustop - she said I had aura."

"You have, Denise - I can see it now. You've a rainbow round your shoulders. Go on, sunbeam - get in there and brighten up a poor shopkeeper's day."

The bell jangled behind us as we made our way to the counter. We waited, but no one appeared.

"They probably don't get many customers on wet, autumn Mondays."

"One thing this place has got is its own unique smell, Denise."

I sniffed the air and looked from a line of sacks up against the wall to a giant, precarious pyramid of triple-ply Andrex on the counter.

"Seems paraffin, dog biscuits and toilet rolls are the best sellers around here, Susie. I think we may be disappointed in our quest."

"A store like this will have all sorts squirreled away. Shop!" she called into the back room.

"Just a minute, just a minute - I'm in the middle of something," came an ill-tempered voice from upstairs.

We heard the sound of a toilet flushing, a door opening and the clatter of footsteps.

"More bloody nuisances," someone groaned. "They'd better not be wasting my time again."

"Fancy sharing a box of Bonio if we can't find what we want, Susie?"

Before she could answer a pale-faced woman panted her way into the room. "I hope you know what you want. I can't be bothering with pernickety customers."

"Sorry, if we've caught you at a bad time," I apologised.

"Get on with it - I can't be hanging around. I've got diarrhoea; I've overindulged in those damn Pontefract cakes. "

"We'll pardon your excretives, won't we, Denise?" Susie grinned.

The woman gave us a basilisk stare.

"Have you any tights?" I hastily asked.

Her features softened and a glint came into her eye. "I've just the thing for a smart young girl like you. They're what you call designer wear; I got them from my special supplier. Your friend will probably want a pair as well."

She ducked out of sight and began rummaging around under the counter.

"No arguments - buy them and let's be on our way," I whispered to Susie.

"Here they are."

The woman shoved a box up on to the counter right into the base of the toilet rolls.

"Watch out!"

Susie leapt forward to steady them, but only succeeded in pushing over the whole pile. They cascaded down on top of the woman.

"What the hell!"

"Now you've done it, Susie - we'll get the blame for damaging them and she'll make us buy the lot."

"Shush, Denise, get back here. It was nothing to do with me."

The woman surfaced from under the pile of Andrex, looking bemused.

"I hope she's okay, Susie."

"Don't worry, Denise, there's nothing broken - it's only soft tissue damage."

The woman steadied herself and put her hands on the counter. "I can do you a special offer on toilet rolls. Those nudists didn't seem to get through as many as your regular campers. In fact, they were a big disappointment all round; I hardly sold them anything."

"What you want is a big pop festival with plenty of rain and mud," Susie smiled.

"The parish council would never allow that. They don't understand business; they make life hard for entrepreneurs like me." She suddenly clutched at her belly. "Oh, wait there." She grabbed one of the rolls and headed upstairs. "I'll be back in a minute - don't go."

Susie reached across to the box and pulled out a packet of tights. "Here you are, make yourself respectable and we'll be ready to go."

I tore open the packet and rushed to put them on.

"Oh, they've a pattern," I griped as I drew them on. "I wanted plain ones."

"Well, it's too late now."

"They are nice and sheer - I suppose they'll be all right."

I stood up and gave Susie a twirl. "What do you think?"

"Very erotic, Denise."

I looked down at the flock of large butterflies fluttering up my legs. "I don't think these are appropriate, Susie," I shuddered. "There's something unseemly about them disappearing up my skirt."

"They are very lifelike - do they tickle?"

"I keep wanting to brush the things off; it's going to look suggestive if I keep rubbing at my thighs."

"You'll soon forget all about them."

"I feel self-conscious, Susie. They'll attract attention."

"That's what mini-skirted girl's legs are supposed to do. Stop complaining, you were the one who wanted a pair of tights."

"Not this pair."

"Don't worry, they look very nice - very inviting. And after that wedding outfit, you should be able to carry off anything."

"They're not the sort of thing one wears on a country ramble. People will be looking up my skirt."

"No, they won't. Anyway, you should be getting used to the occasional admiring glance by now - it goes with the territory."

"The things I do for you, Susie," I sighed. "I suppose I should be grateful you're not a naturist - God knows what you'd be having me get up to then."

"That's not my thing, Denise. You wouldn't think a Nudefest would be popular around here, either," she reflected. "You'd have thought the council would have found some way to stop it."

"Birds of a feather, Susie."

"What do you mean - birds of a feather?"

"Nudists and witches."

"What witches?"

"The local council, Susie - they're a coven."

"You're pulling my leg again, Jeffrey."

"I'm not. It was in the paper over the summer. They interviewed this chap who failed to get elected. He complained that he never had a chance because he wasn't a member of the local coven."

"Sour grapes, that's all."

"No, they boasted about being witches - white ones, as if that made any difference. They're all the same: nudists, witches, druids, ecofreaks, friends of the Earth - Morris men. They all want to parade naked around Stonehenge."

"Morris men - what have you got against them?"

"Piggy Bacon's trying to start a troupe at school. He's got his eye on all the boys who don't play rugby, but there's no way I'm prancing around in shorts and tinkling bells. There are limits, Susie - don't you go volunteering us."

"I give you my solemn word, Jeffrey, We won't be dancing around any maypoles."

"And don't expect Denise to be your partner in crime for anything else, either."

"Like what?"

"Like badminton: I know what to expect, once an idea finds a home in your little head."

"I thought bending over in a short skirt, showing off a pair of frilly knickers to me was your favourite sport."

"There's more to being Denise than the titillating underwear and getting my bottom smacked," I huffed. "Now shush, she's on her way down stairs."

"Pooh, there's something in the air." Susie sprayed us again. "I'm using this stuff like air-freshener; I hope you appreciate my generosity."

The woman waddled back into the room. "I hope that was the final round - talk about a ring of fire."

"We wouldn't be surprised if you've put the last of it behind you, would we, Denise?"

She sniffed the air. "It doesn't smell that bad. In fact, it reminds me of some perfume I've come by. Would you be interested - at a special price?"

She plonked two bottles of Obsession on the counter.

"How do we know it isn't fake?" Susie asked suspiciously.

"You can give yourself a free spray."

Susie gave us both another dousing. "What do you think, Denise?"

"I'll always associate it with the smell of rotten fish."

"It's genuine, then."

"Seems so."

"You can have them both and the four pairs of tights for twenty pounds."

"Give her my money, Susie."

"Funny old shop that, Jeffrey."

"She certainly had a peculiar range of goods."

"And she seemed to have over ordered on a lot of the stuff."

"Yes, Susie, she didn't have much idea of stock control."

"We can't all be business wizards. Perhaps, she's fallen victim to a silver-tongued salesman."

"Or she's the accomplice of a sticky-fingered rogue."

"You don't mean."

"I shouldn't be at all surprised."

"It must be difficult running a small village shop; you can't blame her, Jeffrey. People in glass houses ..."

"What do you mean? We haven't handled any stolen goods."

"You seem intent on keeping Stephanie's outfit for your bottom drawer. That's worth a hell of a lot more than a couple of bottles of perfume."

"It's a different thing entirely. I'm looking after it for her. She'll get it back - eventually."

"When will that be, Denise - after our wedding?"

"No, when you talk me into visiting Stephanie with you."

"We are going to be paying her a return visit, then."

"You know we are. Come on, let's get back to the van."

"Hold on a minute - we may as well do the full tour. Let's pay the Animal Sanctuary shop a visit."

"We'll have to buy a souvenir postcard of the three-legged donkey."

"No, we won't - just don't let yourself be talked into anything."

"We'll have to get something. It's such a little place; we'll be right under the shopkeeper's nose. It'll be embarrassing to leave empty-handed, especially as it's a charity shop."

"We can always drop something in the collection box, but I think we'll be making our contribution in a different way." A smile spread across Susie's face. "Look there - that's just what Denise needs to go with those tights."

She pointed to a pair of shiny red high heels in the window.

"I'm not hiking around in those - we've many miles to go before twilight."

"What do you mean? We're going to be chauffeured to the ferry."

"The best laid plans, Susie - let's be prepared for the unexpected."

"Shut up, Jeffrey - we've had more than our share of troubles for today."

"Don't tempt fate, Susie."

"Buying a pair of shoes won't make any difference - you'd like them, wouldn't you?"

"I suppose I could wear them around the house with these tights and that sequinned skirt."

"And that bustier."

"You've talked me into it."

I held open the door and we squeezed into the tiny shop. Susie waved her arm at the serious looking woman behind the counter.

"This is a pretty tight fit - there's hardly room to swing a cat in here," she laughed.

The woman gave her a silent stare.

"Not that I would, mind you. I'm against cruelty to animals and all that factory farming stuff, aren't I, Denise?"

"What about shining a torch in a cat's eyes to make it fall off the wall?"

"A harmless childish experiment - all kids do that. I've grown out of such things."

"It doesn't stop you picking me up by the ears, Susie."

"That's foreplay, Denise, you know I like to hear you purr."

"If you're that fond of cats, we have plenty in need of a good home," the woman offered. "They've had all their shots and been neutered; you'll have no trouble with them."

"What do you think, Denise?"

"We had our cat seen to, but it didn't do any good, he still wanted to spend every night on the tiles. We couldn't keep him in."

"Maybe he had an extra ball that the vet missed."

"My granddad denutted him; he's a dab hand at such things. Nicky was his first failure."

"That's a bit of a mystery, then. How do you explain his dogged devotion to nocturnal nookie?"

"Well, Susie, I suppose he was one of those cats who just liked to watch."

The woman gave me a disapproving look. "Your granddad could be in serious trouble."

"Sorry," Susie apologised, "it was just a bit of nonsense from Denise; she hasn't even got a cat."

"That's right. Mum has an allergy - she comes out in pink blotches if she so much as looks at one."

"Stop it, Denise, get a grip on yourself."

"Sorreee, Susie, the prospect of wearing those red shoes has got me all in a tizzy."

"If they're going to make you behave like this, I think I'll get you that pair of green wellies instead."

"Aw please, Susie, I'm itching to try them on."

The woman came from behind the counter and squeezed past us to the window.

"Here you are." She handed me the shoes. "You can use my chair."

"Denise hasn't much experience in heels; she's been terrified of what her mum would say if she was caught wearing them."

"Your mother's strict with you, is she, dear? I hope she's not one of those fundamentalists."

"No, her mum's a chiropodist. She has horror stories about feet that would make your toes curl - bunions the size of onions."

"Sometimes, Susie, I don't know what you'll say next," I sighed as I stood up. "What do you think?"

"Stunning, Denise."

"Very nice, dear, but save them for special occasions or you'll pay for it in the long run. I can only wear comfy shoes nowadays."

"I'll have to be careful, Susie - time wounds all heels."

"You needn't worry, Denise, with me and your mum looking after them, your feet are in good hands."

"How much?" I asked.

"Twenty pounds - it's for a good cause."

"Give her my money, Susie."

 

Chapter 38

"Where did you learn to sway like that, Denise? Anyone would think you'd been practicing it for years."

"Well, I haven't. A different way to walk has come naturally to me. The skirt, heels and underwear are all playing their part," I conceded modestly. "I wouldn't want to take all the credit."

"Whatever - the way you move your bottom is something to behold."

"Hey, I'm not mincing, am I?"

"Only in a nice way, Denise."

"I think you've seen more than enough for now, Susie; I've paraded all down the street for you - let me have my trainers back."

"You can change at the van. It won't do any harm to walk them in a little."

"What if Ernie catches me wiggling away like this? Up until now, he may only have thought of me as Jeffrey in a kilt."

"He's not Scots, is he?"

"No."

"Well, it wouldn't make any difference if he was: he's seen you as full-on Denise and that's that."

"Not quite as Denisey as this."

"The more Denisey the better in my opinion. You may as well make full use of her charms."

"You think Denise is charming, do you, Susie?"

"She certainly is."

"In that case, can she sweet-talk you into not going any further with Ernie? I sense trouble brewing - it's her female intuition."

"Aw, I don't want to give up the ride. He's taking us all the way to the ferry. No more messing about and no more foot-slogging."

"It won't be as straightforward as you make out. There's going to be at least one diversion, which will probably involve something not quite legal."

"We'll ask him what exactly he has planned and then we can decide what to do - how's that?"

"Okay, but no giving him the benefit of the doubt. If it's ever so slightly questionable, we don't go."

"You're worrying over nothing - he's only a petty criminal."

"The trouble is he doesn't know that, Susie. He's full of silly cunning."

"Well, he's not going to rob a bank out here and there isn't room in that van for him to be a cattle rustler. He'll be doing something mundane - like hedging or hosing down a pig sty."

"You don't know him, Susie; he's a bit of a loose cannon at the best of times and he's full of himself at the moment. He's hiding something big under that hat of his."

"You don't believe he's a reformed character, then."

"He never learns from his mistakes. He always needs money for the horses."

"Ah, that's his problem - he's a wild gambler."

"No, he's a scientific one; he has a system, which produces consistent results."

"I find that hard to believe, Jeffrey. How does it work?"

"He loses all his money, Susie."

"That doesn't surprise me; it fits in with his psychological profile."

"You've done an in-depth analysis of him, have you?"

"Practically, he's a textbook case."

"Like me, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey - I'll be spending a lifetime figuring you out."

"I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of me one way or another, Susie."

"Well, one thing you can explain is the fondness Ernie has for you and your dad."

"And mum. I suppose he liked being with a happy family. Ernie was punched up not brought up."

"Are you sure that's all - was your dad totally legit, Jeffrey?"

"He was a scrap metal merchant."

"And what else?"

"Your dad's an estate agent, Susie - you should know better than to ask those kind of questions."

"He wasn't in the Mafia or anything, was he?"

"Don't be daft, Susie; where would you find any of them around here?"

"My dad's a freemason and a roundtabler."

"My dad was a member of Thornley Conservative Club; you can't get more respectable than that."

"Was he interested in politics, Jeffrey?"

"No, snooker, Susie."

"He's drunk; he can't walk in a straight line."

"He tripped over a paving stone, Jeffrey - that's all."

"He's not fit to drive."

"You're just looking for an excuse to get me back on safari."

"I'm not. We'd be mad to go with him if he's tipsy."

Ernie grabbed a lamppost, adjusted his hat and waved at us from across the road.

"There you are, he's fine - it was just the shock of the fresh air."

"You said he tripped."

"Okay, okay, I'll give him a sobriety test."

"Get him to spell 'Mississippi' backwards."

"That's not fair - I don't think he could do that sober. How about if he says it backwards?"

"That's too much like 'I'm pissed'; he might get it right by accident."

Ernie made it back to his van without further mishap and managed a sweeping bow without falling over. "I'm at your command, my lovelies - your carriage awaits you."

"Are you, er, all right?"

"Raring to go," he grinned as he opened the driver's door. "Sexy shoes, by the way, Denise - and very classy tights," he winked as he swung himself into his seat. "They fell off the back of a very exclusive lorry."

"Are they hot, Ernie?"

"They are with that skirt - it makes you wonder what kind of flower's attracting those butterflies."

"I told you, Susie - they draw people's eyes upwards. I'm taking them off."

"Give over moaning and get in."

"Wait a minute - we haven't found out what Ernie's up to yet."

"It doesn't matter; if it's anything dodgy, we'll bugger off when he stops. That way, we'll spare our feet for a few more miles."

She opened the door and shoved me in.

"We haven't even checked if he's still sober," I protested.

"As a judge," he slurred. He saw my look of alarm and laughed. "I'm only joking; I'm definitely not puddled - hic."

"I can drive until your head clears," Susie offered. "I've a learner's licence."

"No, she hasn't - don't let her behind that wheel, Ernie, or you'll be in need of a new van."

"Sorry, love, with the load I'm carrying, I can't risk going into the ditch," Ernie grinned as we got under way.

"It's valuable, is it?" Susie probed, ignoring my warning.

"And fragile, but I've got it well packed."

"Don't tell us what it is. We're just happy to be along for the ride," I interrupted. "We've done enough walking today, haven't we, Susie."

"More than enough - and you won't be so keen on it now, in those shoes."

"What's with your change of footwear, Denise?"

"Susie insisted I get them to go with my new tights; I have no say in these matters."

Susie guffawed and dug me in the ribs, but she didn't say anything.

"What happened to your old ones?"

"I tore them climbing a tree."

"That doesn't sound like the Jeffrey I knew."

"I'm a changed man since I came under Susie's influence."

"No, you're not - you're just developing a well-rounded personality."

"Amongst other things," I sighed.

"You were definitely thinking too much, Jeffrey. I've probably saved you from going mad."

"Thanks very much, Susie."

"She's right, Jeffrey - even when you were a little fellow, you used to befuddle me sometimes."

"He can make the bones in your brain ache when he gets going."

"I know a little bit about a lot of things, that's all - but I still don't know enough about you, Susie."

"You're learning quite fast enough, butterfly." She ran her fingers through my hair. "Sometimes I think you may be a little witch."

"Did you know butterfly was originally boterschijte?"

"What does that mean?"

"Butter shit. Someone must have gone around examining their crap."

"You always have to spoil things, Jeffrey."

"Sorry, Susie, I didn't mean anything by it - just one more random fact. I am grateful to you for giving me a broader outlook on life - I may have been a little narrow-minded before."

"I expanded my horizons this summer; I had a month in Brazil," Ernie crowed.

"Ah, where the nuts come from."

"Where the criminals decamp to, Susie."

"No such thing, Jeffrey - I was visiting my brother Bert."

"What's he doing over there?"

"He fancied a change of climate. He thought it would be better for his knees."

"Mum nags dad about his rugby playing setting up rheumatism. She thinks it puts too much of a strain on them."

"Your dad's carrying a lot of weight that can't help matters."

"Same with Bert - he'd have had no chance when they came chasing after him with a sledgehammer."

"Well, Brazil wouldn't be my first choice of a second home; I wouldn't want to live in a sauna bath."

"Me neither: I'm in danger of developing prickly heat just keeping up with you, Jeffrey."

"The weather was okay, but no one spoke English; they wouldn't even give it a try," Ernie complained. "I don't know what's wrong with them; they had a lot of other funny habits."

"They're foreigners; they do things differently."

"You're spot on there, Jeffrey. We had to boil all our water in a pan on the gas. I couldn't get hold of an electric kettle for love or money. The buggers in the shops had never heard of one; they thought I was mad."

"Perhaps something got lost in the translation," Susie suggested.

"I don't think so. I mimed the whole thing to them. It couldn't have been clearer. I even spelt it out for them - electrico kettlo. I never had a decent cup of tea the whole time I was there."

"You enjoyed yourself apart from that, though."

"The insects were a bit of a challenge; there's some right big beggars. Moths the size of birds."

"I don't want to know about that, thank you, Ernie," I shuddered.

"They're harmless, beautiful creatures, Jeffrey - and don't you spin me any silly stories about killer, vampire moths."

"He wouldn't be far wrong. It's a hell of a shock to wake up and find one of them with its tongue up your nose. I was glad to get home in the end. I told Bert he'd be better off moving on to Australia. It's more our kind of place."

"Is this completely above board, Ernie?"

I'd got him to stop before he took us up the road to his job at the farm.

"Absolutely, I'm doing a favour for the farmer - he's a pillar of the community."

"What kind of a favour?"

"He's had an ultimatum from the council. Some of the incomers on that new estate we passed have been kicking up a fuss."

"What about?"

"Farm stuff - I'm the man who's going to sort out his problem."

"There you are - Ernie's going to be doing the public a service."

"Then we shouldn't distract him. It's fine now, we can get out here and walk on to the next village. Farm jobs are messy and smelly, Susie, this one will be no exception."

"Not the way we're doing it - you could be wearing your best bib and tucker."

"What do you mean - we?"

"I hoped you'd come along to give some moral support to my new venture."

"We'd like to, wouldn't we, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie."

"Yes you would. You're just afraid we'll miss the ferry, that's all. How long will it take, Ernie?"

"Don't worry, I'll get you there in plenty of time. Here we go - hold on."

He put the van in gear and we bumped away down the rough track.

"None of these farmers seem keen on spending money on road maintenance," Susie moaned.

"This is worse than I remember it; old Bleasedale's been neglecting this track. I'll have to see about doing a deal on some hardcore."

After another big jolt, a box slid from under my seat and rested between my feet.

"What's in there?" Susie asked before I could stop her.

Ernie reached down and brought out a bottle. "Hold on to that for a moment, Jeffrey. I don't want any accidents - it's precious stuff."

I had a close look at the pale yellow, oily liquid.

"What's this?"

"Guess," he smirked.

"You haven't started making moonshine, have you?"

"Maybe."

"Don't drink it, Jeffrey - you'll send yourself blind."

"Goat's milk in a dirty mug is my limit, Susie; I'm only holding it up to the light."

"Give it a shake - see if it froths."

"No, don't do that, Jeffrey," Ernie yelled.

"Why not - is it some delicate expensive perfume?"

"No, nitro-glycerine!"

 

Chapter 39

"Aaaahhh, Susie, I've had another unwanted baby dumped in my lap."

The van bucked again and I bounced in my seat.

"Oh, Jeffrey - keep it still," Susie cried in alarm. "Cushion the little bombino in your cleavage -that's what it's for."

"Calm down, there's no need to panic. I've done my homework on handling the stuff," Ernie boasted. "I've seen 'Wages of Fear' - twice. We've a big safety margin - we're not in the tropics."

"Well, it feels like it. You've gone too far this time, Ernie - we're dicing with death. You're ... you're totally irresponsible."

"Don't mince your words, Jeffrey - he's bloody bonkers."

The van hit another pothole and I was flung into Susie's lap.

"Sorry, Susie."

"Stay put, Jeffrey." She flung her arms around mep and held on tight. "I'll be an extra shock absorber."

"You're a noble girl, Susie. It's good to know you're always there for me in an emergency."

"Hold on while I open the window - you can throw it out."

"No! Don't do that," Ernie shrieked. "It's powerful stuff - you'll blow us all to kingdom come. Just cradle it there and we'll be okay."

"What the hell do you need nitro-glycerine for, Ernie?" Susie gasped as I bounced on her again.

"To set off the dynamite," he blithely announced. "My contacts didn't have the proper detonators. I had to take what was on offer - you don't get this sort of stuff down your local supermarket."

I composed myself and squinted down at the bottle. "I wouldn't be so sure about that - this looks just like olive oil. Are you sure you haven't been diddled?"

"Never, Jeffrey - haven't you heard of honour among thieves. Everything came with a money back guarantee."

"Where's the dynamite - is it hidden under our seats?"

"No, it's covered up in the back and there's no doubt that's the genuine article."

"Has it 'Acme' stamped on it?"

"No, that would have been my first choice, but they didn't have any; I had to settle for this. I think it may be sweating, so the sooner we're shut of it, the better."

"I don't want Jeffrey ending up in jug; I promised his mum I'd keep him out of trouble. We're not getting involved in anything criminal."

"It's not criminal; the farmer just wants to avoid all that council red-tape. All we're doing is frustrating some jobsworths. It's none of their business what he does on his own land, but they don't see it that way."

"It'll be just like an unofficial giant firework display, will it?"

"And some, Susie, you won't want to miss it. It'll be a once in a lifetime experience."

"We've had a lot of those lately, haven't we, Jeffrey?"

"I hope that's what they were, Susie."

Ernie brought the van to a smooth halt in the farmyard. I carefully put the bottle back in its box and relaxed in Susie's arms.

"You'll have to get off now, Jeffrey - my leg's gone numb. This lap-dancing isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"There must be something in it, Susie; we were probably doing it wrong."

"They weren't the ideal circumstances, I'll grant you that. We'll have another go later. I'll sit in your lap - maybe things will fit better that way round."

"I want to take it in turns."

"Give over, the pair of you; I'm a married man - this is embarrassing talk."

"It's nervy nonsense - you've scared the living daylights out of us," Susie glared.

"I didn't mean to; these things are just the tools of my trade. I want to behave like a true professional in my new vocation."

"And what's that, Ernie?"

"Blowing things up."

"Apart from yourself, what are these things going to be?"

"Anything and everything. I'm starting at the bottom and I hope to work my way to the very top."

"What's the bottom, Ernie - what are you going to demolish?"

"A septic tank full of shit."

"You don't blow up septic tanks."

"You do when they're in the state this one is. Bleasdale's had his last warning; he's desperate to get it filled in. My job is to empty it first."

"Wouldn't he be better off calling in DynaRod?"

"This is too big a job for them, Susie. There's eighty years of pig muck festering in there. The whole lot's got to go. What's called for is a controlled explosion."

"Don't you need a licence and qualifications for this sort of thing?"

"I'm learning on the job, Jeffrey. There's no substitute for practical experience."

"Why would the farmer employ someone like you, Ernie?"

"He's a cheapskate, Jeffrey."

"Are you giving him a special introductory offer as your number one customer - or doesn't he know that?"

"I'm not too proud to admit I could use a bit of help. I still have to work out all the fine details of how to get things to go off with a bang. You can help me there, Jeffrey."

"No, I can't. We're staying here."

"We could go along as special advisers and watch from a safe distance, Jeffrey."

"Have you completely lost your marbles, Susie? Ernie, dynamite and who knows how many tons of shit. We should have started running in the opposite direction ten minutes ago."

"The sooner Ernie gets it over with, the sooner we get a ride to the ferry. Go on, Jeffrey - assisting with a little explosion in an ocean of shite - you could do that standing on your head."

"The farmer isn't going to be impressed with a mini-skirted teenager as Ernie's right hand man."

"Don't forget we're feminists, Denise - all careers are open to us. We can say we're on a government training scheme and we've come along for work experience."

Ernie had taken advantage of our discussion to take out the nitro bottle and put it on the dashboard.

"You won't mind bringing that along, will you? I'll have my hands full with the dynamite."

"We're having nothing to do with it; we're staying right here," I repeated. "If anyone asks, we're two clueless schoolgirls who innocently accepted a lift from a total stranger."

"Exactly, we're just the sort of silly sods who would tag along to see what Dynamite Dan was up to."

"I wouldn't describe us as silly, Susie. I consider Denise delightfully naive."

"She's madcap, Jeffrey - we both are."

"Speak for yourself, Susie, I think I've got my head screwed on right. We don't want folk to get the idea we're Ernie's accomplices."

"You needn't worry about that; we white van men are very attractive to a certain kind of young lady," Ernie grinned. "People will think you're my pair of cucumbers."

"What do you mean - cucumbers?"

"You know - like them oil sheiks have."

"What's he talking about, Jeffrey?"

"We're to be his concubines, Susie."

"You can forget that straight away," Susie exploded.

"Sorry, sorry." Ernie held up his hands. "I don't know what I'm saying; I just want you to come along," he pleaded. "This is big deal for me. Now that I'm a married man with a family to take care of and a little un to feed ..."

"Give me your bag, Susie, I want to change my shoes."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down, Jeffrey." Ernie opened his door and jumped down. "I'll see to the dynamite - don't forget to bring the nitro."

Susie inspected the bottle. "Did you give in because you know this is olive oil?"

"Do you want to try some?"

"No thanks: we'll find out soon enough."

"It's possible he's back there unloading sticks of genuine Plasticine."

"You think there won't be much to see, then."

"I'm hoping not. You may have to be satisfied with a walk round a mismanaged septic tank."

"That sounds a trifle dull, Jeffrey."

"Well, I'm not falling in for you."

Susie shouldered her bag, I picked up the nitro and we rejoined Ernie at the back of the van.

"Do you like the briefcase? Now that I'm running my own business, I want to create a good impression." He gave it a slap. "I've got everything in here."

"Be careful," I cried. "That could be an unexploded bomb, lest you forget."

"Don't worry, they told me it's as safe as modelling clay."

"Ignorance is bliss," I mumbled.

"Shush, Jeffrey, don't be a wet blanket, Ernie needs our full support. Haven't you something more positive to say?"

"Let's hope we don't regret not stocking up on toilet paper when we had the chance."

"You need have no worries there - none of it will be coming our way. Follow me." Ernie set off across the yard. "It's in this next field."

"Aren't you letting the farmer know you're here?" Susie asked.

"He's making himself scarce, just in case."

"In case what?"

"He needs an alibi."

"What have I been telling you, Susie? I'm not the only one who thinks this will end in disaster."

"It's just a precaution - he fully approves of my plan."

"Just out of interest, where did you get the idea from, Ernie?"

"The Internet."

"I don't like the sound of that, Jeffrey."

"Neither do I, Susie."

"This is like a breath of fresh air after rotten fish, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't go that far, Susie."

"It reminds me of a chocolate meringue."

"More like a giant Yorkshire pudding - or a fly-blown scone, maybe."

"Jeffrey, please, those aren't the kind of associations you should be putting in my mind."

We'd reached the bottom of the field and were contemplating the contents of a two-room size septic tank.

"I realise it isn't in the same class as bringing down a factory chimney, but it'll be a worthy first opponent. Four thousand tons of effluent - that's what Bleasdale says is in there."

"I can't help thinking gran would be proud of that crust. You'll see what I mean when we go round for Sunday dinner, Susie."

She pulled a face as we watched Ernie toss in a fallen branch. It broke the surface and a big green bubble plopped up.

"I suppose that reminds you of your gran's Yorkshire pudding as well."

"Only when one's gone wrong. If that happens, just eat it and say nothing. I know I can rely on you after your experience in the Cosy Kettle."

"If you weren't carrying that bottle, Jeffrey."

"No time for that now, Susie - business before pleasure."

Ernie had unpacked his case and laid out the big five-pound sticks of explosive on the ground.

"It's met its match with these babies. Those stuck up snobs on the estate will soon have nothing to complain about."

Susie looked out over the surrounding fields. "One question, Ernie - where's it all supposed to go?"

"Bleasdale's not particular - anywhere will do. We'll be slurry spreading on a grand scale."

"That sounds a bit hit and miss to me," Susie frowned. "There's going to be a hell of a lot of shit looking for a new home."

"You'll certainly think so if it lands on our heads."

"Is there any chance of that, Jeffrey?"

"What goes up, Susie ..."

"You won't be in any danger. This will be a contained explosion - not one of your 'just the bleeding doors' cock-ups. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"You haven't the proper fuses or detonators; you've a bottle of oily liquid and three different types of dynamite - how can we trust you?"

"I've used my natural ingenuity to overcome any shortcomings in my equipment."

"You're making it up as you go along and hoping for the best."

"No, Jeffrey, I've got it all worked out - it's foolproof. I'm going to tie the dynamite to the nitro and have the whole lot plunge in from a great height."

"He's going to chuck it in like a hammer thrower, Susie. Let's get moving; it could land anywhere."

"I'm not daft; I'll be dropping it straight down its throat from up there."

He pointed to a tall tree with a high branch overhanging the tank.

"Rather you than me," Susie gaped. "You'll more than likely go up with it - dancing atop a fountain of shit."

"Not with my plan," Ernie smirked. He got out four new clotheslines from his case. "Help me tie these together."

"How are you going to get this up over a branch, Ernie? You've forgotten your bow and arrow."

"Some climbing is going to be required, Jeffrey." He rubbed his bottom and grimaced. "I had a nasty fall last night; I've a bruise the size of a dinner plate on my backside. I'm not my usual agile self."

"And you think it's more of a job for a junior assistant."

"If you could see your way to helping me out ..."

"Jeffrey's not carrying that lot up there."

"He only has to take the rope and loop it over a branch - the higher the better - bring it back down and then I can hoist up the whole shebang."

It looked a long way to the top of the tree. "You know me, Ernie, I've never been into that sort of boy stuff."

"I thought Denise might do it for me; she seems to have a certain something that Jeffrey hasn't."

"No, we've both got it - it's called Susie. I haven't been myself since I met her."

"Yes you have, Jeffrey."

"It must be a mad self," I sighed. "Come and give me a leg up."

"Thanks, Denise, I won't forget this - and I'll pay for any damage to your tights."

"Are you sure about this?" Susie whispered.

"Showing off the spunkier aspect of my new persona to Ernie might not be such a bad idea."

"That won't be the first thing he sees."

"I'll just have to hope actions speak louder than weird undies."

We walked over to the tree. Ernie bent down under the lowest branch. "Off you go - from Susie's hands onto my back."

"Eyes up, Susie - eyes down, Ernie," I cried as I began my ascent.

"No chance, monkey," Susie shouted. "All has been revealed - he's goggle-eyed."

"This isn't my normal choice of underwear," I yelled back. "We came out in a hurry this morning."

"No need to apologise, Denise," Ernie laughed. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

Luckily the tree formed a natural ladder and I was soon out of ogling range.

"Hell, Denise, I think you really might be a lumberjack."

I moved quickly through the branches and soon reached the ideal spot.

"It's exhilarating up here with the wind in your hair. I think I may have a flair for this sort of thing."

"Don't get careless, Denise - let Jeffrey take charge."

I looped the line over and was ready to descend. "All done," I called out breezily.

I made it safely back to the lowest branch and dropped to the ground.

"You reminded me of myself in my best days. I was up and down drainpipes like nobody's business."

"I won't be doing any of that, thank you very much. Here, it's in your hands now." I passed Ernie my end of the line and rejoined Susie.

"You were a magnificent sight up there, Denise. I only wish you'd had a flag to wave."

"I'm baffled as to how I can do such things, Susie."

"Yours not to reason why, Jeffrey."

"I'm sure you have an explanation, but don't enlighten me," I smiled.

We linked arms and watched as Ernie worked out the line along the branch.

"There's not much left over; we won't be that far away when he lets it go."

"Oh yes we will, Susie, we're retiring to a safe distance long before that."

"So am I - just you wait and see," Ernie chuckled as he began tying the dynamite and nitro together.

"You've worked out exactly how much you need, have you?"

"I don't want to risk it coming back down in the same place. I'm using all these five pound sticks. What do you think - will that be enough?"

"How should I know?"

"It's science, isn't it?"

"He's got you there, Jeffrey."

"What science tells me, Susie, is to move a long, long way back - up wind - and before Ernie starts hauling on this little lot."

"I'll be joining you." Ernie took out a wooden peg and thrust it into the ground. "I'll wrap the line round that and then use this." He held up a candle. "Ingenious, eh," he beamed.

"We've seen enough, Susie - let's go." I pulled her along by the arm.

"Do we have to run, Jeffrey?"

"You'll thank me for this if there's a premature explosion. Don't look back - keep going."

I urged Susie on until we reached the far edge of the field.

"We'll be safe enough here, Jeffrey."

"No, over the fence and into the wood. I want to have something substantial to hide behind."

We leant back against a tree and watched as Ernie hared towards us.

"You can't fault him up to now, Jeffrey; it's all gone off like clockwork. He's got it in position and he's still alive and kicking. Perhaps he does know what he's doing."

"We'll soon find out. Hold on, Susie - there it goes."

We grasped each other around the waist and braced ourselves as the bundle of explosives gathered speed on its way down.

"Pity we haven't a camera, Jeffrey."

"I think the less we put on record, the better, Susie."

The dynamite plunged into the sceptic tank - and we waited - and waited.

"Not even a poop, Jeffrey."

"It's swallowed the whole lot without so much as a burp, Susie."

"You can save your breath," she called out to Ernie who was still sprinting towards us. "There's been a misfire."

He stopped and looked round. "Bugger, bugger, and double bugger. This will do my reputation no good at all."

We went up to the fence to meet him. "Are you sure that was really nitro-glycerine?"

"There'll be trouble if it wasn't; I paid good money for it."

"Olive oil and Plasticine, that's what Jeffrey said."

"It can't have been - it came from an impeccable source."

"Well, it's vanished into the murky depths, so we'll never know."

"Yes, we will. I want that stuff back. The rope's still hanging there; I can pull it up."

"Is that safe, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, but I suppose it's the public-spirited thing to do - you can't leave sticks of suspected dynamite lying around."

Ernie started back towards the tank. Susie made to follow him, but I held her by the arm.

"Let's sit here on the fence for a while; this could be a messy business. We don't want to be pressed into lending a hand."

"I bet he gets the stuff all over him. We're going to have another smelly ride."

Ernie was halfway across the field before he realised we weren't tagging along behind. "Aren't you two coming?" he shouted.

"I'd rather not get involved in any dirty work. Mum will be upset if I go home covered in pig muck. She's had quite enough shocks this last week."

"Okay, you can help by fetching the hand-grenade."

"Hand-grenade - what hand-grenade?"

"The one in the van; it's my emergency backup in case ..."

BBBBUUUUUUUUHHHHHMMMM.

Ernie was cut short by the low rumble. He stopped in his tracks and froze.

"There she blows, Jeffrey."

The fence trembled and a vast load of effluent shot up out of the ground.

"Hold on, Susie - this time the Earth really is moving."

A dull boom rolled across the field and we all watched fascinated as an immense brown column climbed into the sky.

"How did that happen, Jeffrey?"

"Who knows? Perhaps the heat down below set it off."

Three hundred feet up, a huge mushroom cloud was illuminated by the sun.

"That's quite a sight, Susie. It's ... it's iridescent."

"Even though I know what it is, I'm marvelling at its beauty. You wouldn't think shit could show off all the colours of the rainbow."

"Distance lends enchantment, Susie."

"Shame about the sour smell, though."

"It's fermenting pig muck. The more you stir it, the worse it stinks."

The shaft of sunlight disappeared and the cloud took on an ominous thundery appearance.

"Someone's in for a nasty surprise, Jeffrey."

"I think we should retreat into the woods, Susie."

"A hard rain's a gonna fall, Jeffrey. You may have been a little hasty in throwing away your umbrella."

"We'll be okay, Susie, the worst that can happen is we come out of this smelling of Obsession. I'm afraid Ernie may not be so lucky."

He'd ceased marvelling at his handiwork and was dashing for the safety of the van.

"The gravity of the situation has dawned on him, Jeffrey. That's a fair turn of speed."

The wind had taken the cloud and the monster swooped across the field in pursuit of its creator.

"He's running the wrong way, Susie."

"Should we give him a shout?"

"It's too late now."

Ernie was doing his utmost, but heavy boots and the rain soaked field were conspiring against him.

"He's thrown away his hat and he's put on a spurt. Go on, Ernie - you can do it."

"No, he can't, Susie."

A trailing part of the cloud detached itself and came plunging down.

"I'm afraid you're right, Jeffrey, that piece of shit has Ernie's name on it."

"In letters of gold, Susie."

We gaped as the mini-cloud engulfed him. He stumbled, fell and struggled back to his feet.

"He's a game bugger, Jeffrey."

"Never knows when he's beaten, Susie."

Ernie staggered on, a steaming, chocolate coloured, dripping mess. He turned and shook his fist at his nemesis and received a face full of shite. He went down again.

"I'm fighting to stifle an inappropriate laugh, Jeffrey."

"So am I, Susie."

Ernie was writhing on the ground when what must have been part of the tree hit him on the bottom.

"Ooh, I could hear the thwack from here. That was no love tap."

"A bruise upon a bruise, Susie."

"He's going to have an arse like a baboon, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's walking like one as well."

Ernie rose again, covered in goo.

"Hell, Jeffrey - it's Swamp Thing. I bet he wishes he'd kept his hat on; he'll have a hell of a job getting that out of his hair."

Ernie walked back, picked up his coonskin by the tail and waved it wildly at us. "Job's a good un," he cried triumphantly. "Look at it go."

"I'd make yourself scarce before that lot lands," I shouted back.

The main flight swept on towards the new estate.

"What with it being a Monday and the rain having stopped, I bet a lot of people have just put out their washing, Jeffrey."

"Let's hope they blame the seagulls."

"If they don't, there'll be ructions over this."

"I think the wisest course would be to continue our journey on foot, Susie."

"I won't argue; I don't fancy sharing the front seat with Ernie."

"I'd have liked to thank him properly, but it can wait until next time."

"I think we should be careful there, Jeffrey, he's a bit of a hothead. We could land ourselves in trouble if we get caught up in any of his future ventures."

"Really, Susie."

"Not that I'm prejudiced, Jeffrey, but he's got a shock of ginger hair. It's a sort of a warning sign - if you know what I mean."

"You're not a natural redhead, are you, Susie - it's not a case of once more into the bleach, is it?"

"That'd be telling, Jeffrey. You shouldn't ask a girl a question like that."

I smiled and linked arms with her as we walked into the now sunlit wood.

"Turned out nice again, Susie."

"This may be our lucky day, Jeffrey. We didn't get covered in a shower of shit."

"You're right, Susie and I'm still on course to arrive home in the same clothes I went out in."

"The gods are smiling on us, Jeffrey. It'll be plain sailing from here on - I can feel it in my bones."

 

Chapter 40

"Someone's following us, Susie; they're hopping from tree to tree."

"I know, Jeffrey - should we start whistling?"

"You mean like for a policeman."

"No, just insouciant, we're not scared of you whistling."

"I can't whistle - I can only yodel."

"Better not do that. You might send out the wrong message - he could be a lonely goatherd."

"Whoever it is, they're up to no good - stalking us like this. What do you want to do?"

"Just for once, let's try and think of something that doesn't involve strenuous exercise on our part."

"We should find out what we're up against. Use your mirror and see if you can catch a glimpse of him in the open."

"You should definitely get yourself a handbag, Denise."

"What I need, Susie, is a utility belt."

"I'm sure Batgirl manages with a dinky little purse. Or is it a shoulder-bag - which do you think is more chic, Jeffrey?"

"Not now, Susie - this is no time for rehearsing me in girly-talk."

"You're right there, Denise; I just caught a flash of him out in the open. He's dancing barefoot and everything else after us."

"I don't suppose you're carrying a box of drawing pins we can scatter in his path."

"I've a packet of blu-tack - is that any good?"

"Not really - let's hope he's a harmless sun-worshipper left over from the Nudefest."

"It's pretty gloomy in here; he's more likely to be the wild man of the woods." Susie took another look in her mirror. "He's a hairy monster, Jeffrey - maybe it's a werewolf."

"Oh shut up, Susie and head for that break in the trees over there; he won't want to chase us across an open field."

"Don't bank on it, Denise, he may be something of an exhibitionist - like you."

"Save your breath for some more cross-country."

I urged her along with a hand on the bottom.

"Keep it there - I like that, but I wish your answer to everything wasn't run, run, run."

"Stop complaining, we're nearly there."

"He hasn't followed us," Susie gasped as we emerged into the sunlight and onto an immaculate lawn.

"We're safe -we've landed in someone's back garden."

"It's an enormous one if it is, Jeffrey."

"It goes with the house - look over there."

"A stately home: this is more like it, we're moving up in the world."

"It's only a hall, Susie."

"Don't be pedantic, Jeffrey, we're among the landed gentry. We can brush up on our etiquette. It won't do an aspiring model any harm to learn how to rub along in high society."

"Will you shut up about that, Susie, I wasn't myself when I said it."

"You were Denise - like now."

"I was ... I was possessed - that's it, but I'm thinking clearly now," I stressed. "My number one priority is to get safely home without any more confrontations of any kind."

"You shouldn't be such a shrinking violet, Jeffrey."

"That's rapidly becoming my natural state with all the traumas I've been through recently."

"Well then, you should be grateful I'm ready to lend a hand to help you blossom out. Watch which spoon I use and stick your little finger out when you drink your tea."

"I don't want to play my fair lady," I sulked. "And even if I did, these folk might not be as friendly to strangers as you imagine."

"This is the local nobility, Denise, they'll jump at the chance to display their chivalry and help a couple of maidens in distress."

"The more people have, the keener they are on keeping it to themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if they set the dogs on us - it'd be par for the course. Haven't we been chased enough today?"

Susie hesitated. "Okay, just to please you, we'll see if we can get round the front and out onto the road without disturbing anyone."

We dashed across the lawn, hurdling a few croquet hoops on the way, until we reached a pair of double gates.

I pulled on them in vain. "They're locked, Susie - it'll have to be up and over."

"Denise has done quite enough climbing for today, I don't want her developing unsightly muscles."

"There doesn't seem much chance of that, mine are determined to hide away under a layer of fat."

"And that's how I want it to stay - we'll go up to the house and get them to let us through. All that talk about dogs was a lot of nonsense."

"I'm not bothered - I can run faster than you."

"It's an empty threat, Jeffrey - I know you'd never leave me in the lurch."

"I'm a fool to myself," I moped as I trudged after her.

"Cheer up, it'll be a good excuse to see how the other half live."

"Well, you can do all the explaining - it's your turn - and don't ask for the guided tour."

"We won't refuse if they offer. Now, let's compose ourselves - we don't want to alarm them, turning up wild-eyed and breathless at their door."

"Speak for yourself, Susie."

"Don't argue, Denise." She adjusted my skirt and fiddled with my hair. "We'll be meeting croquet-playing aristocracy. None of your cheeky stuff - best garden party manners."

"I don't know what those are, Susie; I'll have to follow your lead."

"Just play the sweet young ingenue."

"I really need my plaits for that."

"Denise doesn't need any help - she's a consummate actress. You can't fool me, Jeffrey."

"I never even try," I pouted. "Come on, I'll do my best, but for this sort of missing about, I really should be properly dressed."

"A girly frock with petticoats and everything, is that what you have in mind?"

"If it was just in my bedroom, I suppose I could play at being your little sister."

"Well, don't moan at the price - those sort of elaborate outfits don't come cheap."

"I'm not that keen; I'd rather save my money for something else. Your old prom stuff will suit me fine."

"Too late now, Jeffrey, you've uttered the fateful words."

"Bah, Susie."

"Give over, you know what came out of the bushes the last time we did that."

We arrived at the backdoor and were greeted by a gargoyle's head knocker.

"After you, Susie, I don't like the way its tongue's hanging out - it looks suggestive."

"It's historical, Jeffrey; churches are covered in them - it means nothing. Here, let me give it a good biff."

The door opened as she raised her hand. A man with more than a passing resemblance to his knocker faced us.

"It's the two little babes from my wood," he smirked. "I watched your progress all the way across the lawn. Come into my parlour, girls."

He stood back and Susie pulled me after her into the kitchen.

"Sorry to bother you," she apologised. "We were lost and a naked man chased us through the woods. Can you help us get back on the road again?"

"You've had an encounter with Zebedee," he laughed. "He's one of our local back to nature enthusiasts - nothing more."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that - he gave us a nasty fright."

"I assure you he's harmless. I let him roam over the estate and in exchange, he supplies me with some of the fruits of the countryside. He's just delivered his latest offerings."

He smiled and after a slight pause stood aside to reveal a basketful of assorted mushrooms on the table.

"I wouldn't feel safe eating those," Susie shuddered. "You hear of all sorts of mix-ups. How about you, Denise?"

"No thanks, Susie. They give me the willies just looking at them."

"Well, Susie and Denise, perhaps I can offer you something more refreshing -would you like a glass of wine?"

"No thanks, we're strict Seventh Day Adventists," I spluttered. "And Band of Hope," I hastily added, just in case Susie got it into her head to show off how sophisticated she was. "We've all our badges, haven't we, Susie?"

"Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine, Denise."

"You aren't Sanitarians as well, are you?"

"Maybe you were right about these pants, Denise, if they make me look like a lavatory attendant."

"I meant are you a naturist," our host grinned. "Sanitarians are what I called them to bamboozle the locals. They thought it was a plumber's convention until it was too late," he laughed.

"You must be the Lord of the Manor," Susie smiled. "The woman in the tea shop said you were a ... a wag."

"I doubt she was as kind as that; we've had our differences over what's best for the village, but I can't turn down any opportunity for some extra income. She doesn't realise what it costs to keep a place like this going and indulge in my little hobbies."

I didn't want to find out if girls like us were one of his little hobbies, and I grasped Susie by the arm.

"We've kept the gentleman long enough; we should be on our way home."

"So soon - I was hoping you'd stay longer. It's been some time since I entertained such delightful young girls - forgive me if I'm boring you."

I felt a little shiver as I looked up and caught his eye. "We're late already - can we go out through your front door, please, sir?"

"Certainly, my dear, if that's what you want, I'm honoured to assist two such lovely ladies - follow me."

He led us out of the kitchen and into the main hall. I avoided a suit of armour and then jumped as I nearly ran into two skeletons.

"Ugh!"

"Don't be alarmed, they're just exhibits for the visitors. I scare them with my story of hpow I found them bricked up in the cellar," he sniggered.

Susie shook hands with one of the skeletons and moved its jaw up and down. "I told you I was ill, squire - gottle of geer, gottle of geer."

"Don't be rude, Susie."

"It's perfectly all right, my dear. I only wish more people around here would call me squire. They should be proud to uphold the old customs. I am a direct descendant of Geoffrey the Crossbowman."

"There you are, Denise, I told you it wouldn't be a waste of time learning to curtsey."

"We're never going to meet royalty, Susie and I'd be too embarrassed if we did."

"I think you've disappointed the squire - he's been paying close attention to your nether regions."

"You'll have to pardon me, my dear - it's not your legs I'm staring at, although they are worthy of admiration in their own right. I'm trying to identify those wonderful butterflies. Are you interested in Lepidoptera?"

"Definitely not. These were all they had in the village shop. Butterflies aren't so bad, but moths, ugh, they give me the creeps."

"No, no, they're beautiful creatures," he insisted. "Collecting them is one of my little indulgences. Would you like to see the results of my efforts over the years?"

"Oh, no thanks, I'd better not; I think I may have a phobia. I don't want to put you out by having an attack of the heebie-jeebies."

"Let me worry about that. I feel it's my duty to share my passion with young people. The more converts I can make to our cause, the better."

"You've already convinced me. I promise I won't be swatting at anything that flies in the future."

"I should hope not, that would be sacrilege indeed. Come with me - there's nothing to be scared of. I exhibit them like the beautiful works of art they are."

"Does that mean they're dead, then?" Susie asked.

"Preserved, my dear - I kill and mount them myself; it makes for a more satisfying experience. This way." He deftly manoeuvred us to the foot of the stairs.

Susie took a step upwards. "It'll be interesting to see what you've done with them; I'm studying biology for A-level."

"That's gratifying to hear; you must help me communicate the wonders of nature to your young friend."

"Denise hasn't much time for my ologies. You wouldn't think it to look at her, but she has one of those male mathematical brains."

"I've a female fear of creepy-crawlies, Susie - don't go up there."

"That's sissy talk, modern girls aren't daunted by a few extra appendages."

She reached the landing and called down. "Come and look at this, Denise - it's okay, it hasn't got six legs."

A push on the bottom and the threat of another one sent me scampering up the stairs to Susie.

She was peering into a glass tank containing a toad. "Who does that remind you of, Denise?"

"Too many people, Susie - come away."

"He's almost human, isn't he?" The squire chuckled and leant over my shoulder. "Excuse me, I mustn't disappoint Tommy; I never pass by without giving him a treat."

He picked up a bottle from under the table and swiftly shook a fly into the tank. The toad flicked out its tongue, rolled its eyes and gulped it down.

"Times fun when you're having flies, eh, Denise," Susie smirked.

"Not at the moment," I sighed. "Thanks to your wily manipulation, I'm flyless in Prada."

"And you were never better suited," she grinned and gave me a kiss full on the lips.

"That's most engaging, girls. I'm still digesting my lunch or I'd show you my party trick." He paused and gave us his best reptilian smile. "I swallow Tommy. It caused quite a stir with the ladies of the W.I."

"I bet it did," Susie exclaimed. "Are you like one of those religious fanatics, who demonstrate the power of prayer by handling poisonous snakes?"

"In a modest way, but I like to think of it more as keeping alive an old tradition. It's something I'd like to pass on. It's a skill that can have some useful spin-offs and we'd have fun with the training," he promised.

"It can't be much fun for the toad. You'll be in trouble if the animal rights people get to hear about it. The woman in their shop nearly had me for joking about swinging a cat."

"I bring it up again unharmed - there's no cruelty involved."

"Having a dip in stomach acid can't be much fun."

"I drink a big glass of Milk of Magnesia before I start and Tommy's up and down like a jack-in-the-box - no harm done."

"That's my gran's favourite remedy, she believes it cools the blood - amongst other things. You're better off with All-Bran every morning, if you ask me."

He laughed and urged me on down the passage. "You've come this far, you may as well have a tiny peek."

I stumbled forward, wishing I'd kept my mouth shut and not given him the chance to jolly me along.

"This is far enough - let me stay here," I pleaded. "I think a moth must have flown in my cot when I was a baby. I come out in a cold sweat. They get my adrenaline pumping and my heart pounding."

"There's no need to be scared; there are none flying around. I assure you they're all safely locked away."

I held my ground at the doorway as Susie came up beside me.

"This will be good for you, Denise; it'll desensitise you."

"I wish you'd spare me your psycho-babble. No good has come from it yet - or ever will."

Susie took my arm and steered me into the room.

"Come on, Denise, we laugh at danger."

"You may, Susie. What I say is he who knows no fear shouldn't go in the woods."

 

Chapter 41

"Open your eyes, Denise, this is your kind of place. It's just like a museum in here," Susie marvelled.

I squinted at the glass-fronted cabinets full of butterflies and moths. "More like the old biology lab at school," I mumbled. "I was happy when I didn't have to go in there anymore."

Susie peered into one of the cases. "It must be a tedious job mounting them all and whatever else you do."

"The end result is worth it, though. Owning all these specimens gives me great pleasure."

"You've got the collecting bug, haven't you, Denise?"

"I'm happy with my stamp album, thank you - much less trouble."

"Those hinges are fiddly things. Sticking pins in must be a lot less trouble. I wonder how much they squirm when you do it."

"Oh shut up, Susie."

"She's teasing you; my victims don't suffer. I chloroform them first. I wouldn't want the RSPCA after me - that would never do."

"You've got so many, though," Susie challenged. "Surely, this sort of thing is frowned on, like collecting birds' eggs."

"I'm also a conservationist. I've turned the grounds into a lepidopteran's paradise with my plantings." He gestured at his vast array of specimens. "This is their way of repaying me in the only way they can."

He moved on to the next case; I held Susie back and whispered. "Let's go - his hospitality comes at too high a price."

"Look here." He turned and beckoned to Susie. "These are my favourites - death's-head moths." He reached up and took a hatbox down from the shelf above. "Have you ever seen a living one in the wild?"

"No." Susie took a step forwards and I took a step backwards.

"Not many people have - they're elusive creatures. I go to a lot of trouble seeking them out. I have a special relationship with the lovely things. Tommy likes them too; he's always appreciative of a little extra luxury."

"That's a waste, isn't it?"

"Even pretty creatures don't live forever, my dear, I'm just recycling."

"It's generous of you to share them with him."

"I've more than enough. I get the chrysalides from the potato fields and rear them myself. It's another way I contribute to their welfare. What's more, it'll enable you to enjoy a unique experience."

In one quick motion, he raised the box above Susie's head, removed the lid and emptied the contents over her.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrgh," we both screamed as a shower of living, shivering, fluttering moths enveloped Susie.

"Aaaaawww, what's happening," Susie cried out in panic.

In a moment, she was bathed in them, from her head right down to her feet. They didn't attempt to fly, but ran all over her, quivering and shaking their wings.

"Aaaaargh, Susie!"

"Aaaaargh, Jeffrey! Do something - they're smothering me." Susie flailed her arms and dashed towards me.

"Don't hurt them - they mean no harm; they're only doing their mating dance for you."

I picked up a bottle of Windolene spray from one of the cases and rushed to meet Susie. "Keep your mouth closed and shut your eyes."

I thrust out my arm and began dousing the moths with the stuff. At first, it had no effect and only increased their squeaking. Then, to my relief, they began to drop off Susie.

"Is that fly killer I'm breathing in?"

"Don't worry it's only Windolene, but it's well and truly polishing them off."

More and more moths fluttered down into a heap on the floor and I kept on spraying until the bottle was empty.

"Thank God," Susie cried as she thrashed out and helped them on their way. "Are there any more on my back?"

I closed my eyes and manfully beat off the last few stragglers.

"Careful, with your feet - they're no good to me squashed." The squire went down on his hands and knees scooping the fallen moths back into the box.

"All gone, Susie," I sighed in relief as I squinted at her jacket and brushed off the last one.

"I'm all of a tremble," she gasped and slumped against the wall.

"You shouldn't have done that," I glared across to where our host was sweeping up the remaining moths.

"I'm sorry. I get carried away with my enthusiasm to show off my prizes. It's been some time since I was able to witness such an exhilarating display."

As he replaced the lid on the box and stood up, I thought it might be diplomatic to show some sympathy over his loss.

"They're probably just stunned - that stuff's only polish. I think they make rabbits drink it, to check it's safe."

"Tommy can have the damaged ones; the others will still make fine specimens. They've just fulfilled their destiny a shade early."

"You were going to kill all those as well," Susie exclaimed. "If I'd known I wouldn't have been so gentle with the bloody things."

"You would have bitten off a few of their heads, eh, Susie."

"Very probably, Denise - I was surprised by the sheer numbers, that's all - but thanks for stepping forward. I hope this won't give you nightmares."

"I may have exaggerated my fears slightly," I smiled. "One of my failings is a tendency to romanticize."

"I wouldn't have you any other way, Denise." Susie leant over and kissed me on the cheek.

"That Windolene smells better on you than Obsession, Susie."

"But not as good as WD-40."

"Or a bike shop."

"Sorry, squire," Susie grinned, "we always do this when we've had a funny turn - you must think we're barmy."

"Let's say slightly out of the ordinary."

"You should know," Susie replied, "living here in a motheleum."

"Their life is so ephemeral - what could be more natural than wanting to preserve their beauty. This is my way of making them immortal."

"It seems macabre to me, racking up all these dead bodies. What do you say, Denise?"

"Swaps are always useful, Susie."

"You've got me all wrong - I'm a sensitive soul. Sometimes just looking at beautiful young things evokes in me a feeling of poetic sadness."

"It's depressing stuff poetry. Get yourself a few Mills and Boon - they'll cheer you up. Isn't that right, Denise?"

"I've no idea. They're too grown-up for me. I'm sticking to P.G. Wodehouse for light relief."

"That's queer reading for a young girl."

"My granddad read them to me as bedtime stories - he's slightly eccentric."

"He makes her eat tripe as well. I've told her she should stand up for herself more."

"You have to humour some people some of the time, Susie."

"You should let him know you're becoming a young woman; he still treats you like a tomboy, Denise."

"And Jeffrey is his pet name for her - that's who you were calling out for. I feared for a moment, in your frantic state, you'd seen Geoffrey the Crossbowman. His appearance portends a death in the family."

"No, Jeffrey's Susie's boyfriend," I quickly replied. "He's always the first one she turns to in times of trouble."

"And where is he today?"

"He's at school, but he's with me in spirit." Susie gave a long sigh. "I'm desperate to see him again; we've been parted for over a month. Denise and I have been in quarantine; we're getting over the mumps."

"A month in quarantine - that sounds an extreme precaution."

"They were extreme mumps - German mumps, in fact. We picked them up through drinking goat's milk on an exchange visit to Dusseldorf. Isn't that right, Denise?"

"I blame those sausages, Susie. Nasty greasy little things - I never wanted one in the first place."

"When in Rome, Denise."

"But it was Dusseldorf, Susie."

"That's why it was bratwurst and not spaghetti."

"They have tins of sausages in spaghetti in Aldi - they're canned in Spain. I always look - you'd be surprised where some of their stuff comes from. You can't be too careful - you could get a real surprise package."

"You shouldn't be so faddy. At least, they're up front about it on the label - they aren't hiding anything."

"It's the same in Asda: they've fish from China and chickens from Thailand. They fly the stuff halfway around the world and still make a profit. Who knows what they're feeding them on?"

Susie hugged me and kissed my hair. "Oh, shut up, Denise or he really will think we're mad."

"Not for a moment," he laughed. "But isn't Jeffrey jealous of you and Denise. I can't help noticing you're rather affectionate towards one another."

"I hope this doesn't shock you, but we're what the French call a menage-a-trois. It's share and share alike with us, isn't it Denise?"

"I prefer to think of it as keeping it in the family, Susie."

"All I can say is Jeffrey's a very lucky boy to have such generous girlfriends."

"We aren't that generous," I quickly assured him. "There's no Percy Filth - or anything close - we're good girls."

"Shush, Denise, there's no need to make excuses. I sense the squire has an open mind about such things."

"I'm more of a traditionalist. Being a leader in a community like this, one's expected to take part in the old rituals."

"Like shin kicking - I've had a go at that."

"Something more spiritual; tonight's the harvest full moon and we have our own special ceremony. You might like to join us; we're always in need of fresh young blood to renew our circle."

"No thanks, our wing of the Seventh Day Adventists is very exclusive - we keep ourselves to ourselves. We're the chosen few."

"You certainly are," he smiled. "But I embrace all creeds. One day I hope we'll all reunite with the old religion."

"You mean the Catholics."

"No, much older than that, my child. Come through here and let me show you another of my collections."

He led the way into an adjoining room and Susie followed.

"Will you never learn?" I whispered. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"Stick close to me, tiger and we'll be okay."

"Is there any danger of something running up my leg, Susie? I asked as she entered the room."

"Only my hand, Denise - apart from that you'll be quite safe. There's nothing in here, but a load of old tat."

"I'll excuse the ignorance of one so young," our guide gibed. "At first sight, some of them may seem slightly the worse for wear, but that's only to be expected when they date back thousands of years. Owning them is a great privilege and a great responsibility."

"They're old enough and ugly enough to take care of themselves."

"You need to take a closer look - these are ancient religious relics."

Susie went over and inspected the nearest figurines. "They seem crude efforts to me - not to mention lewd in the extreme. Avert your eyes, Denise, this is the sort of thing that sends you giddy."

"They're works of primitive art, dear - what do they teach you in schools nowadays? You're sorely in need of further education on the aesthetic aspects of life."

"Novelty shops on the Golden mile are full of this sort of stuff," Susie scoffed. "I wouldn't be surprised if 'Made in Hong Kong' is stamped on them somewhere."

"You shouldn't joke about a man's passions," he warned. "I can assure you every one is totally authentic. I'm well versed in spotting fakes."

Susie moved on down the row of statuettes. "This lot has both sets of equipment, Denise. That must have made things awkward."

"I don't know about awkward, Susie - confusing is how I'd put it." I turned to the squire. "This isn't the sort of thing you should be showing to innocent young girls - it could be misconstrued."

"You should forget your prejudices and rejoice in the beauty of sacred artefacts." He picked one up and caressed it lovingly. "Male and female - he made them one," he smiled. "Don't they give you a feeling of inspiration?"

"We don't hold with graven images. We've got Laurel and Hardy on our mantelpiece, haven't we, Susie?"

"We certainly have, Denise and ducks on the wall. I wouldn't give these things the time of day," Susie sniffed. "They look all out of proportion to me. I wonder where they got the idea from."

"From Mother Nature of course. Someone endowed like this would have been revered by ancient peoples - what better symbol of fertility could they have."

"My gran's never had any complaints about her corn-dollies and they've no extra bits."

"That's how it should be, Denise - some things are best left to the imagination."

"You're wrong there," he grinned, "but we'll have to delay that discussion until later. Here, put this back."

He passed the figure to Susie and looked at his watch. "You'll have to excuse me for a moment, I've an important phone call to make."

"We've seen enough; we'll come with ..."

"I'm not ready for you yet. Wait here."

He abruptly thrust me aside, turned and fled for the door.

"Aw!" I staggered back and bumped into Susie. She dropped the statue and caught me.

"Hey, he can't push us around like that. Let me at the bugger."

"Come on, before we're trapped." I cried and rushed after him.

"What do you mean, trapped?"

"That," I yelled as the door slammed in our faces. "Quick, Susie, before he locks it."

We pushed down on the handle together, but before it reached the bottom, there was a loud click.

"We've had it, Susie - he's got us."

"I certainly have," he gloated from the other side of the door. "Just be patient while I make sure we have the rest of the day to ourselves - I'll be back," he cackled.

"Who says that, Jeffrey?"

"The Terminator, Susie."

 

Chapter 42

"What's his game, Jeffrey?"

"Something more adult than hide-and-seek; I expect it will involve us taking off our clothes, for starters."

"Don't be silly, he couldn't get away with anything like that. We've never given him any encouragement - our behaviour has been impeccable. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

"Don't be so sure. You and your menage a trois - in his circle, it's probably an open invitation to have a bonk."

"We'll soon set him straight when he comes back. There's been a slight misunderstanding, that's all."

"What if he knows about me? I could be the main attraction. Did you see the way he fondled that statue?"

"It was just a coincidence."

"I did come running when you called out for Jeffrey."

"You're definitely Denise - though you did sail pretty close to the wind back there."

"What do you mean? It wasn't me who ..."

"Never mind that now, you'll be okay until we have to dance naked around his maypole."

"Not in September, surely, Susie."

"If what you say is true, he'll have us prancing around like X-rated Pan's People."

"I saw them on Top of the Pops Two. They did a routine in see-through plastic macs, twirling their umbrellas - or maybe that was Legs and Co. Which was it, Susie?"

"Does it really matter, Jeffrey?"

"Not now I've met you, Susie. But at the time, it fitted in nicely with my weather girl fantasies. I don't suppose you've got a pac-a-mac."

"There, you're doing it again."

"Doing what again?"

"Letting Jeffrey poke his head out when you're Denise."

"I never have," I spluttered. "I'm extremely careful."

"I don't mean that. It's just Denise can suddenly start behaving like she's my boyfriend."

"Well, I am."

"I know, Jeffrey, and I enjoy the swinging back and forth, but sometimes people must wonder what's going on between us."

"I thought we were lesbians, Susie."

"We are, but we may not be getting it exactly right."

"I think we're making a pretty good job of it."

"Most of the time, but going on about sausages and flyless in Prada could have set him thinking."

"I can't help myself. Anyway, you're just as bad; you have a certain teasing tendency, Susie."

"I hold my hand up. We'll have to be more careful what we say in future, especially with folk like our friend, who may have more than a passing interest in those sort of things."

"I don't think there's much hope of that," I sighed. "Once we start each other off ..."

"You're right, Jeffrey. Perhaps it would be better if you were always to display a modest amount of cleavage. If folk see Pinky and Perky bobbing about, there's no way they'll suspect you're a boy. They'll think we're indulging in some silly private joke."

"I don't know. I do feel more Denisey with them on view. I like looking at them and I like you looking at them, but I'm not sure about other people. I don't want to appear cheap."

"You won't ... "

Susie was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"You'll be pleased to know I've cancelled my appointment for tonight and I can give you my undivided attention."

"Shush, Susie," I whispered. "Say nothing - he won't expect that. Let's keep him guessing."

"I've had to forego the pleasure of the local yokels sacrificing a goat for me and tugging their forelocks, but the fun I'll have with you two will more than make up for it."

"What have I been telling you all along," Susie hissed in my ear, "he wants to have his way with us - the randy sod."

"You should be grateful I'm a jealous god and don't like sharing."

"Get ready in case he pokes his head in," I whispered.

We waited and after a few moments, he knocked again. "You may be cleverer than I thought," he laughed, "but it won't do you any good, I'm not going to open the door. I hope you don't mind waiting, my little chickens, I have to arrange things so you won't give me any trouble when I do come for you."

Susie took out her perfume. "You never know," she whispered and squirted it through the keyhole.

We heard him fall away from the door. "Good try," he snorted, "but I won't be dashing in after you. I'll forgive you now and punish you later. Bye, girls - warm each other up for my return."

"I knew the bastard was a letch from the moment he thrust those mushrooms under our noses. His playing croquet didn't fool me for a minute, Jeffrey - the man's a cad."

"A cad, Susie - what are you talking about? It won't be 'Anyone for tennis' when he comes back. He's a psycho."

"He's a psycho-cad - not a gentleman-psycho like Anthony Hopkins."

"I wish you hadn't mentioned that. It makes his reference to fresh young blood seem all the more sinister."

"You telling him we were virgins might not have been the wisest course."

"I didn't actually say the v-word. I couldn't have him thinking Susie and Denise were girls of easy virtue."

"If he finds out about you, Jeffrey, he might want you for some kind of ritual sacrifice."

"Thanks for those comforting words, Susie."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey - at least he didn't call you a Thailand chicken."

"You can joke, but you're in trouble as well - remember those skeletons."

"What about them - they were just plastic models, weren't they?"

"It seems more likely they were real and not very old."

"Stop it, Jeffrey, you're giving me the creeps - I shook hands with one of them."

"I looked on the back of the skulls - it didn't say 'Made in China' or anything."

"They weren't very big either."

"They were young females, Susie. How better to hide a body than in plain sight and show it off to everybody. I expect he gets some sort of perverse kick from it."

"Oh dear - I hope you don't blame me for all this, Jeffrey."

"I should know by now that you're lacking a certain sense of danger, Susie. It's my own fault for being willing to follow you anywhere."

"And I don't even have to blow in your ear," she laughed weakly.

"You wouldn't think a country house would have bars on the windows."

"Perhaps Ernie has paid it a visit or two," I suggested.

Susie went over to the door and squinted through the empty keyhole. "No luck here, either - I rather fancied the newspaper under the door trick."

"We haven't got a newspaper, Susie."

"That's a double whammy then, Jeffrey. You haven't a screwdriver down your sock, have you?"

"I don't even have a sock."

"We won't be unscrewing the hinges, then."

"There are none to unscrew, Susie."

"Not to worry, Jeffrey," she grinned. "There's always an ingenious way out of a locked room. Let's hear your bright idea. I'm sure you've got one."

I picked up a fearsome looking poker from the fireplace. "We can use this."

"I was expecting more from you than old-fashioned brute force, Jeffrey. We whack him on the head and go down fighting - is that it?"

"No, Susie - we go up excavating. Help me get the drawers out of the tallboy and then we can lift it onto the table. We're going out through the roof."

"I really did expect something more subtle from you, Jeffrey."

"There's nothing wrong with a more direct approach now and again, Susie."

"I'll have no complaints if you get us out of this."

We were soon up on the chest and crouching under the low ceiling.

"I hope this isn't some terrible misunderstanding, Susie - we're about to start demolishing a listed building."

"I'm closing my eyes - thrust away, Jeffrey."

"Here goes."

The poker went in up to the hilt and as I pulled it back, the hooked end brought down a shower of plaster.

"You've got rhythm, Jeffrey - faster, faster," Susie cried as the hole widened.

I paused and looked up. "Help me tear away these laths, Susie."

"There is something satisfying about mindless vandalism," she laughed. "I've always wanted to have a go in one of those cranes with a wrecking ball."

"I can't pretend I'm surprised, Susie."

"Watch out, a big lot's coming down."

She ripped away and another shower of plaster cascaded over us.

"Hold on - you've done more than enough. There's a big gap between the beams - let's be getting out of here."

We reached down for two of the drawers we'd put on the table and placed them across each other on top of the tallboy.

"Into the unknown, Jeffrey."

"After you, Susie."

She climbed on the drawers, eased the top half of her body through the hole and clambered out of sight. I followed, after passing up her bag and the poker.

"With luck, we won't need that, Jeffrey - there's a skylight."

"I hope there are no bats up here, Susie, I've used all of my phobia allowance for today."

She swiftly glanced around. "It's okay, there's nothing ... Aaaaargh, Jeffrey!" Susie threw her arms around me. "Steel yourself."

"What is it - have you seen a big spider? I'm not picking it up - I don't like them either."

"How are you with mummified dead bodies - look over there, Jeffrey."

"Oh God, Susie, pass the smelling salts."

She gave us both a quick spray of Obsession instead.

"Handy stuff this, Jeffrey - it has antiseptic qualities as well, you know."

"Every boy scout should carry some, Susie - and a spare pair of tights."

"Do you think it's his mother, Jeffrey?"

I glanced over at the dried-up body grinning at us from the far wall. "Not unless she went around as mutton dressed as lamb."

"It doesn't look real, Jeffrey, perhaps it's some sort of doll."

"It's hardly the kind of thing you'd put on top of your Christmas tree, Susie. It looks like it was the squire with the chloroform in the Attic. I expect this one will be joining the other two downstairs in due course."

"And we'd have been joining her up here in the meantime," Susie gulped. "We'll have to tell the police, Jeffrey."

"We can worry about that after we get out of here. Come on, let's try the window."

We picked our way across the rafters until we were standing in a shaft of light.

"I just hope it isn't stuck."

I went up the three steps unhooked it and banged the frame with both palms.

"Oh joy," I cried in relief when it flew open and landed flat on the roof. "Let's get out there, Susie."

"Just a minute." She went over to the body and tugged at the head.

"No - don't, Susie."

"I'm just being practical, Jeffrey - if he disposes of the body when he finds out we've escaped, we're going to look right bloody fools. It'll be our word against a respectable country gentleman."

"But, Susie ..."

"It's okay, I've dissected a frog and a sheep's eyeball. We had to get our own from the butcher and keep it in the fridge. This is no worse - it's nicely dried up."

"There's a distinct smell of formaldehyde; I think he may have had a go at preserving her, Susie."

"He doesn't know his stuff, Jeffrey. He hasn't made a very good job of it."

"It must be his first attempt; I hope we make it his last."

"We will," Susie snorted as the head came free. "Got it - he won't be able to explain this away." She dropped it into her bag and closed the zip.

"Oh, what about my shoes, Susie?"

"They won't come to any harm. Get going."

I heaved myself onto the roof, got a firm grip and leant back in.

"Give us the bag, Susie."

She passed it out and hauled herself up to join me on the tiles.

"I hope I've a head for heights, Jeffrey."

"We'll soon find out; hold on and have a look around."

"Made it Ma," Susie cried. "Top of the world." She turned to me and smiled. "You see, Jeffrey, it's not only the Greek classics with which I'm well acquainted. If you ever need to phone a friend, I should be number one on the list."

"You are, Susie."

"We split it fifty-fifty, mind you," she grinned.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Just a minute." Susie clambered up to the chimneystack and bent down the television aerial. "Just another piece of mindless vandalism, Jeffrey, but I feel better for it. Hey, I can see the Isle of Man from here."

"No, you can't - you're looking in completely the wrong direction."

"Well, I can see the sea."

"Don't get so excited: you haven't discovered the Pacific Ocean. We're not high on a peak in Darien."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Don't look at me in wild surmise, Susie - I'll tell you later."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, you can be more than a little irritating."

"I know."

"I know you bloody know - so stop it."

"I'll make it up to you by letting you be first on the drainpipe; you can have your head up my skirt all the way down."

Susie looked out over the roof to the ground below. "It's a hell of a drop, Jeffrey," she gulped. "Aren't we safer staying here tossing tiles at his head? Someone's bound to turn up sooner or later."

"They may be friends of his; he might not be in this alone. We don't want to risk being trapped again - let's get away while we can."

"We'll be giving him a chance to catch us, Jeffrey. There's a lot of open country - we might have trouble finding a policeman."

"We won't look too hard; I'd rather they found out through an anonymous phone call. This case will be all over the papers; we should do our best to disappear completely."

"We're going to end up running again, Jeffrey - I just know it."

"That's after the free-climbing, Susie on your way."

"I'll be having blisters on my bum to match those on my feet," she groaned as she slid down between the gables.

"You should try wearing a pair of ankle tights under your socks."

"Is that what you do, Jeffrey?"

"Certainly not." I eased my way down more cautiously and joined her hanging onto the downpipe.

"I'm not dressed for this kind of action, Susie. Skirts, tights and skimpy undies inhibit me; I want to cherish and protect them."

"It sounds like a case of true love to me, Jeffrey."

"You're right, Susie, I think I've developed something of a fetish for women's clothes."

"Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person, Denise. I'm telling you that, just in case I end up a crumpled heap."

"Don't worry, Susie, it'll be a piece of cake. There's plenty of ivy on the wall for extra grip; you won't have any trouble. Go on, this is our chance - it's all clear below."

She lowered herself over the edge and onto the drainpipe. "I'd be happier if we were roped together, Jeffrey."

"We are, Susie, there's an invisible silken cord joining us."

I turned around and backed down after her.

"My hands are in the gutter, but I'm gazing at the moon, Jeffrey."

"Well, keep your eyes fixed on my heavenly body and don't look down."

"Monkey see - monkey do. Follow your leader, Jeffrey."

Susie set off shinning down the drainpipe.

"This is easier than I thought, maybe I have a future as a cat-burglar."

"I wouldn't want you to work nights and leave me home alone twiddling my thumbs."

"There's no danger of that; I'm not the kind of girl to let my hero twiddle while Susie roams."

"I'm relieved to hear that."

"I knew you would be, Jeffrey."

"It's just a pity you aren't called Bernie."

Halfway down, I suddenly felt her hand on my bottom.

"Hold hard, Jeffrey."

"Oh, not now, Susie."

"Your foot's on my head."

"Well, you shouldn't have stopped."

"I had to. I'm standing on a joint in the pipe and I can feel it coming away from the wall."

"We can't stay here. This top part's firm, I'll hold on to it and push your section against the wall with my feet."

"That sounds a bit dicey, Jeffrey."

"We'll have to hope for the best - get a move on."

Susie continued down. I got my feet over the joint just as a gap appeared between it and the wall.

"I'm swaying, Jeffrey."

"Hurry up - I don't think this is going to work."

"Be careful, Jeffrey."

I pressed hard against the pipe. It steadied for a moment and then swung out again.

"It's no good, the whole lot's coming adrift - I'll to have to use plan B."

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"I fall, Susie. Oooooooohhhhh!"

I slid down, grabbed the top of the breakaway section of drainpipe and pole vaulted backwards into the ground.

Thump.

"Oooff!"

Thud.

"Ooooooffff!"

Thump - thump.

 

Chapter 43

"Aaaaaaahhh," I gasped in relief.

Susie was already making her way across to me. "Are you okay, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, it's lucky we came down on a nice springy lawn. I landed on my bottom and bounced a couple of times."

"Me too, that's the plus side of having a girl's bum - it's well padded."

"Cyclist's bottom," I murmured as I got to my feet.

"Whatever - it doesn't matter as long as you're still in one piece."

"Don't mention this to mum, she's still not over the ladder incident. If she finds out about this, I'll be in for a real dressing-down."

"That would never do, Denise. My lips are sealed."

With a sigh, I adjusted my skirt for the umpteenth time. "In future when I go out with you, I'm definitely wearing something more practical."

"How would a Supergirl costume suit you?"

"We could both do with one, Susie. I don't think our afternoon of action is over yet. He'll be hot on our trail when he finds out we've discovered his little secret."

"I suppose that means we start running, Jeffrey."

"What else, Susie - let's be over the fields and far away. I won't feel safe until I'm back home in bed, listening to the shipping forecast."

"You're downright peculiar, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie," I confessed as we jogged down the drive, "but if it isn't too much trouble would you mind learning the sea areas off by heart."

"What are you on about now, Jeffrey?"

"They're sheer poetry to me - Fastnet, Lundy, Irish Sea ... you could whisper them in my ear in times of stress."

"You deserve something more than that - how about a weekend away in the Lakes."

"That'd be nice, we needn't do anything too strenuous - just nice easy walks."

"I wouldn't mind tackling a little mountain. I really enjoyed the climbing - it was just a pity we fell off. Still, even the falling wasn't bad - until we hit the deck."

"That's generally the way of it, Susie."

"If they're looking to raise money at school, maybe I should suggest a sponsored bungee jump."

"Don't do that: we're keeping our feet firmly on the ground from now on."

We'd barely started down the lane the lane when we heard an engine starting up.

"That's not fair, Jeffrey, he should give us a sporting chance like in 'The Hounds of Zaroff'."

"I prefer a car to dogs, Susie. Come on, let's get off the road. We'll give him a run for his mummy."

We vaulted the fence and headed for the far side of the field.

"We're sitting ducks out here in the open, Jeffrey - what if he's got a gun."

"I prefer you as Pollyanna to Jeremiah, Susie. Don't worry, it'll take more than a backside full of buckshot to down us. My granddad's ..."

"Not now, Jeffrey."

"Sorry, Susie."

We were over half way across the field when a roar from behind made us look round.

"Any ideas about how we're going to outrun a quad bike, Jeffrey?"

"Not at this precise moment, Susie - just keep going. There's a flock of sheep in that next field."

"I don't think a butcher fears sheep, Jeffrey."

"It can't hurt to have them milling around - maybe their dust will choke the wolf."

We reached the dry-stone wall and scrambled over.

"That's another pair of tights you've ruined, Jeffrey."

"It can't be helped; I'm surprised they've lasted this long. I did my best to preserve their integrity."

"You've struggled manfully under very trying conditions, Denise. Don't be put off from wearing them in the future. This isn't your typical day, you know."

"I rather think it is, Susie."

"Well, maybe, but never mind - things are looking up." She pointed across the field. "There's no gate in the far wall - once we're over that, he won't be able to follow us."

"Come on, then - what are we waiting for."

We raced through the flock of sheep scattering them in all directions.

"At last, some animals with enough sense to run away from us," Susie gasped.

"Save your breath - it's going to be a neck and neck race - in more ways than one."

"I can't keep this up much longer, Jeffrey. How about you - do you want to sacrifice my bag?"

"No way: my shoes are in there and our money and our evidence. What are you thinking of, Susie? You must be suffering from a lack of oxygen."

"I feel like I've got the bends, Jeffrey."

"You'll run through it and get your second wind any time now."

Ziiinnnnggggg.

"What was that, Jeffrey? Something just whistled past my ear."

"Watch out, Susie."

One of the sheep directly ahead of us had keeled over. I risked a look back over my shoulder.

"Oh, my God - Geoffrey the Crossbowman's after us. That wasn't a bolt from the blue."

Susie speeded up. "I've got the second wind you were talking about."

We reached the wall and this time leapt over into a lane.

"This way, Susie - head for the wood."

As we dashed along, I spotted something by the roadside that I hoped would come in useful and swooped down on it.

"What was that you picked up, Jeffrey?"

"The inner metal ring off a wheel trim."

"This is no time to be adding to your junk collection," Susie puffed. "He's ditched the bike and he's haring after us. You should be concentrating on how we're going to make a trap out of sharpened bamboo."

I glanced over my shoulder and saw him squatting down. "Watch out he's going to have another shot at us."

"He nearly pierced my ear last time - should we hit the deck?"

"No, it's on the way - break right and let's get among the trees."

Ziiinnnnggggg - the bolt whizzed harmlessly past up the lane.

"He's no William Tell - the first shot must have been a fluke."

"He'll never hit us from that distance as long as we know it's coming."

"Are you sure?"

"I told you, I've a good eye for fast bowling."

Susie gave me an uncertain look. "There's a bit of a difference, Jeffrey."

"Trust me, I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet, you know that."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey, I should know by now to have full confidence in you, but if we keep stopping and looking round, he'll catch us. What are we going to do?"

"Come on - into the wood while we've got the chance."

We dashed along the leaf-strewn path and risked another glance behind when we reached the shelter of the trees.

"He's ditched his bow and he's running flat out. He's got quite a turn of pace."

"I was hoping we were being chased by a couch potato, Susie."

"Do you think he'll oblige us by having a heart attack - or at least a stitch?"

"No, and he's not going to put his foot in a rabbit hole, either, but I've a plan to scupper him."

"Never doubted it for a moment, Jeffrey - but hurry up, please."

I rested the wire on my forearm as I ran and bent it slightly out of its horizontal plane. "Here you are, Susie - we'll use your luck. Drop it where the path narrows up ahead."

"That's not going to prove much of an obstacle."

"He only needs to come down on one side with his foot. It'll flip up and catch his trailing leg. It's like tripping over your shoelaces, only more so. Believe me, at the speed he's going, he won't even know he's falling. He'll think Mother Earth's come up to kiss him."

We ran through the gap in single file and Susie threw down the wire ring. "Are you speaking from experience, Jeffrey?"

"Bitter experience, Susie - I've the one that got me hanging up in the shed. I brought it home as a souvenir along with assorted cuts and bruises."

"It didn't leave a scar, did it?"

"Only a mental one: I pay close attention to where I'm putting my feet nowadays."

"And what you're putting them in."

"Just hope he learns a similar lesson, Susie. Hold up - let's see how this turns out."

We turned and watched as he put on a spurt.

"He thinks he's got us."

"The faster he's going, the better, Susie."

"I hope you're right, Jeffrey - what are we going to do if this doesn't work?"

"We'll find out if two good little uns can beat one bad big un. Kicking and gouging allowed on our side. Cross your fingers, Susie - this is the moment of truth."

Thuuuuump - craaaack - smaaack.

"Oh! Ouch! We got the bugger." Susie danced up and down in glee. "That'll teach him. His head said good afternoon to the ground."

"It made more than a nodding acquaintance; he dived straight in. He never even had a chance to get his arms out to save himself."

"He landed with an almighty smack, Jeffrey."

"I thought I heard a cracking sound in there, amongst everything else."

"You could be right; his neck looks a bit skew-whiff. He's going to be the wonky squire of Scronkey."

"Brace yourself, Susie. I think we may have committed the perfect murder."

"That's a bit harsh, Jeffrey, he brought it on himself."

"We'd better find out one way or the other. Come on, let's give him the once-over."

We cautiously retraced our steps along the path. Susie tugged on my arm as we neared our victim. "Be careful, Jeffrey this is where the boogie man jumps up and grabs us."

I stopped and looked at the body sprawled out before us. "He won't be doing that - he's definitely dead. Do you get the sense of nothing there?"

Susie circled the body. "You're right - he's a goner. His race is well and truly run. He's another one who picked the wrong folk to tangle with. He fought the law and the law won."

"We're hardly the law, Susie," I cautioned as I handed over her bag. "We don't want to be caught wandering around carrying body parts. Would you do the honours?"

"I think the least we deserve is a badge for our efforts today, Jeffrey, but I suppose we'll be unsung heroes yet again."

She took the wizened head out of her bag and laid it alongside the squire, who regarded it with a glassy eye.

"That should give the police a big clue, Susie."

"Public spirited citizens like us should make their job as easy as possible, Jeffrey."

I went over and picked up the wire ring "I think we should leave them to puzzle over the murder weapon."

"They'll need Sherlock Holmes himself to figure out how he met his end."

"I think it would be beyond even him, Susie."

We walked away and she put her arm around my shoulder. "You're a resourceful little bugger, Jeffrey."

"You're quite a girl yourself, Susie."

"For a while back there, I felt like Toby Twirl," I reflected as I pulled on my third pair of tights of the day.

"Who's Toby Twirl?"

"Like Rupert Bear, but a piglet. There were some of his old annuals in gran's bookcase. They gave me nightmares. He was always being chased by people who wanted to eat him."

"You were a sensitive child, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me and gave me a hug.

"I was a scaredy-cat: Clowns, Grimm's fairy tales, orcs, marionettes, Martians - the list is endless. They've all put the wind up me in the past."

"I hope the events of today haven't left a permanent mark on you, Jeffrey."

"I think they may have, Susie and in a bizarre way."

"What's that?"

"I've developed a burning desire to get dressed up as Lara Croft - hot pants and all."

"You haven't got the breasts for her, Denise."

"I wouldn't want to be that top-heavy, but it wouldn't hurt to give Pinky and Perky something to aim for."

"I thought you didn't want to encourage them."

"I wouldn't mind if they blossomed a little more. I don't want mum to think I'm anorexic, or anything. I've given her enough to worry about."

"You're becoming quite selfless, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't want you to feel left out. Get yourself an outfit as well. Twin Lara Crofts could have some real fun together."

"Steady, boy."

"Sorry, Susie - I know I should be focusing on getting us home."

"It's okay; it's nice that we can relax now."

"Not too much - we don't want to fall down a bore-hole into an old salt cavern."

"Let's get back on the road, then."

"No need, look over there. We've hit the old railway line again." I pointed to the embankment at the far end of the field. "It can't be far to the ferry now - come on."

"It'll be the Spanish Inquisition when I get home, Jeffrey," Susie sighed as we left the phone-box.

"It's your own fault for embroidering our story. Why couldn't you stick to saying we'd gone on a country ramble?"

"I was only putting some flesh on the bones."

"Telling your dad we spent the entire afternoon watching a dry-stonewalling contest wasn't a very bright idea."

"The poster caught my eye and I took it from there. Anyway, you've no room to talk - you told your mum we'd been to a sheepdog trial."

"She believed me. I know to keep in character, and I don't have your reputation for telling whoppers."

"Dad was only joking about checking the car is still in the garage."

"No, he wasn't."

"My big mistake was saying we entered the novice section and won a cup. Do you suppose we could pick up a trophy from somewhere?"

"Tell him it's being engraved."

"Right - that's one problem solved, but he'll want to know more. I'll have to google dry-stonewalling at your house before I go home."

"Well, at least you'll be expecting it, Susie."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"The Spanish Inquisition."

"Where's the ferry, Jeffrey?"

"On the other side, Susie."

"It's not coming back, is it?"

"Probably not."

"My feet are like boats, Jeffrey," she groaned. "I wouldn't be surprised if I could walk on water - and carry you at the same time."

I was pretending to jump on Susie's back when a voice interrupted us.

"There are no more crossings today."

We turned and saw a man beckoning from a small wooden jetty.

"Come over here, I can fix you up for a price."

"Let's see what Captain Haddock's got to say, Jeffrey."

"Whatever you do, don't call him that, Susie - we've had enough trouble for one day."

We walked over and he greeted us with a wide smile. "Evenin', girls, I think I can help you." He bent down and pulled on a mooring rope. "The tide's coming in, it's a fine time to row across."

Susie looked down at the small boat. "What do you think, Denise?"

"The sea's calm - and it's a long way round by road. I don't want to be paying for a taxi."

"Five pounds is what I'm charging - for the two of you."

"Pay the ferryman, Susie."

I jumped in the boat while she handed over the money.

"Thank you, miss - in you get."

Susie joined me and the man began to pay out the line.

"Hey, what are you doing?" She cried.

"The five pounds is only for the hire of the boat - my services cost another twenty pounds."

"Bugger you," Susie snorted and tugged on the rope.

"What the ..."

Splaaaaaasssh! The man belly-flopped into water.

"Go on, Denise - row!"

I grabbed the oars and pulled us away from the shore.

"Bring back my bloody boat."

"Rollocks to you," Susie called back to the splashing figure. "A deal's a deal; we'll leave it tied up on the other side."

I skimmed us smoothly out into the river. "How did you know I could row, Susie?"

"I think you must have mentioned it to me once upon a time, Jeffrey."

She leaned forward and began untying my trainers.

"Quiet, calm deliberation untangles every knot - you should make a practice of that, Susie."

She took my red shoes out of her bag. "Wriggle your feet into these, Denise."

"Careful," I warned as her hand crept up my leg. "We don't want to risk losing an oar."

Susie sat up with a satisfied grin. "There, I've got you in a rowing boat wearing high heels, Jeffrey."

"I know. I suppose it was inevitable, but I don't care - love is the sweetest thing."

"What a day, Jeffrey."

"What a week, Susie."

She leant back and smiled. "I didn't expect to be saying this so soon, Jeffrey."

"What's that, Susie?"

"In - out, in - out, in - out."