Friending Jane Austen Chapters 4-6 By Tara Nicole Miller Copyright © 2024 Tara Nicole Miller All Rights Reserved. Word Count 5,000

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Image Credit: From Adobe Stock Photos - Three women in vintage attire with braided hair, posing for a selfie. By Irina Kozel
 

So, I began, “I was born with an enlarged clitoris.” Way to cement a budding friendship, lying to them, right off the bat, I thought. Thus, I began and they glanced at each other, then back to me as if begging me to elaborate. The clitoris thing is technically true in the most basic biological sense. But, the fact is, I have a fully functioning penis. Well, mostly. It’s tiny, but perfectly formed - ugh! “Sooo…” I swallowed, drily. “Being penis-like, the doctor called me a boy and put that on my birth certificate and my parents have tried to raise me as a boy, and insisted I am a boy and to get used to it, and…Should I leave now?” I began crying.

They both looked aghast, speechless. I whimpered, “See, I knew I was a freak and you would hate me…”

“No! No no no. That’s not it, I swear. You, don’t move! Sit!” Candace got stern and pointed to the chair. “We’re just surprised that any idiot could ever think you’re a boy! You are probably the girliest girl I’ve ever met. Well, excepting the presence of those lesbian clothes. Right Vee?” Candace looked to Verity, who just nodded, vehemently, as if to say, ‘duh!’ “Why would we hate you just because you have a birth defect? I have to ask, are your parents stupid? Or just blind? How? I mean, how in the world could they insist you be a boy? I don’t get it.”

I practically bowled them over as I went in for a group hug, tears streaming down my face. “I don’t get it either,” I sobbed.

We hugged for like five minutes, then the giggles started. Verity, in her fashion, spoke up. “I have a brilliant idea. Your mom’s home, right? She wanted to meet us, right?” Candace and I kinda nodded, curious where she was going with this. “How ‘bout we ask her over and she can meet us like she wanted, and she can meet you, too, it sounds like, for the very first time.” She got a weird look on her face. “Wait, if they were raising you, I mean, if you were living as a, sort of, boy, you must have a boy’s name?”

I nodded. God, I really didn’t want to tell them - it should be a dead name. I hate it with a passion. I cleared my throat and whisper/croaked it out - “Andrew.” My face grew hot and I knew it was as red as beetroot.

“O.M.G., you’re kidding!” Verity blurted, then giggled. “Sorry, but you don’t strike me as an Andrew.”

“Ya think?” I jabbed, exasperated. Not at Verity, but at the very thought of it.

“I guess you could do Andi, with an ‘i,’ but Kayla is much nicer,” Candace offered sweetly.

“Yeah, and I really don’t want a name that could be mistaken for a boy’s name. I don’t want any part of masculinity, to be honest with you. Well…” I blushed.

“I know what part you’re thinking of!” Verity snorted, and I blushed even deeper crimson.

Candace leaned in and sort of whispered, “So you’re a straight girl, then?” I nodded and couldn’t get any redder, so I just looked down at my hands and my pretty pink nails. “Told ya!” She turned to Verity, who held up her hands in surrender.

So, they hatched a plan. Verity was the more devious one, so she took the lead. “Okay, we need to get you into normal girl clothes; not Jane Austen and not Rosie O’Donnell.” We all giggled.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” I blurted to peals of laughter.

“Right, but we just want you to be a normal girl. Candace has tons of cute clothes, so I say we head up to Macy’s or Bergdorf’s or whatever your closet is called,” she glanced at Candace, “and we’ll get Kayla here looking like she’s going to troll the mall. Good?”

“Good!” Candace and I affirmed.

And so we began, first by tromping and giggling up the stairs, then tearing into Candace’s closet. Wow! It was massive! I mean, Kardashian-sized. I was in complete awe. It even had one of those islands in the middle with a hundred drawers and a granite top.

“Can I live here?” I deadpanned. “I mean actually in this closet!”

“Silly!” Candace gave me a girly slap. “Now, over here is the summer stuff.” She led us to the far end of Siberia. “And then, these are the sandals, as you can see. I think this is where we should start, right?” She looked at Verity.

“Yep, let’s go!” And with that all of our hands were flying. Candace placed a top on a hook. Verity gave a look and pulled out a skirt that would perfectly match the top in a lovely ensemble.

“Good lord, are we done already? That is so cute!” I exclaimed. The top wasn’t pink, no, these girls were almost 16. That reminds me I have to tell them I’m almost 15, so they don’t think I’m a baby. The top was teal and coral flowers , which are nice summery colors, on a taupe animal print and was figure hugging. But the sleeves were flowy like butterfly sleeves; it was lovely. But, suddenly I froze up. “I don’t know about this. My mom is gonna flay me alive!”

“You don’t have to do it, of course, but I really don’t think she’ll do anything of the sort.” Candace tried to reassure me. “She knows you were like this in the past, and now she can see that it wasn’t a phase, or whatever. Besides, we’ve got your back!”

“Damn straight,” Verity chimed in, holding the tiered teal skirt up to me. It is cute. And, it is what I’ve always wanted, being the girl me, that is. Well, the skirt’s not bad either. Sigh.

“This is what I’ve always wanted. I don’t think I can go on living a lie, know what I mean? And puberty is coming for sure - soon!” I lamented. “It’s way late as it is, thank god.” I started to tear up and got to enjoy one of the best parts of being a girl. A group hug with BFFs.

“Go on, girl. Get dressed. I promise everything will be fine.” Candace exhorted.

I simply nodded and took the skirt from V and the top off the hook. I looked around as if I were lost in a convention center. “Um, I think I can find my way outta here, but where is the bathroom?”

“Oh! Sorry. You just change in here and we’ll go hang in the bedroom. I can’t wait to see!” Candace enthused. “Oh, wait, here’s a pair of sandals that will go great with that.

I dangled the sandals off my index and middle fingers. They were teal as well, with lots of straps and jewels - too cute! The two-inch kitten heel shouldn’t pose a problem, as I’ve practiced on my own four-inchers in the privacy of my bedroom. So I lay my quarry upon the granite counter and began to sit on the stool.

“Oh!” I blurted with a start. “I have no undies!”

“What do you mean? Oh…sorry, I didn’t think. Doy!" She conked her head. "Um, here.” She reached into an island drawer and pulled out matching panties and bra. Teal, of course. She has every color of the rainbow in this closet and probably all the lingerie to match!

I took them from her and felt the wonderful soft coolness of the fabric. They were gorgeous. I examined them like they were exotic specimens. I looked up sheepishly with a little blush. “My first real lingerie. Course, their not mine, I mean…” I was a bit flustered.

“Don’t be silly,” Candace said, while Verity chuckled, sitting on the island top. “They’re yours. I have like a million more.”

“She’s not kidding, either. I think she has stock in Victoria’s Secret!” Verity chided.

I just nodded. “Thanks,” I whispered and looked up at them.

“Oh! We’re outta here!” They giggled their way out the door.

I began with the panties, so stretchy and smooth. I tucked that stupid appendage between my legs and posed in front of the mirror. Now, that’s what it’s supposed to look like! I then grabbed the bra, squishing the padding. Is that gel? I put it on by placing it around my waist with the hooks in front, then spun it around and pulled it up. I pulled in my little bit of flesh from the sides and voila! I had just the tiniest bit of cleavage which gave me the biggest thrill!

I posed again, flipping my long, blonde hair over my shoulder and breaking out in a wide smile. I almost didn’t want to get dressed. You can’t get much girlier than this! My face was still made up from our Jane Austen fest and the image was all girl. Mom is gonna flip!

I pulled the top on over my head, careful not to muss up my makeup. Then, I pulled on the skirt, keeping the top tucked, and zipped it up. I swished it a little bit and smiled. I sat to strap on the sandals and I was complete, in more ways than one! I couldn’t get over how cute the girl in the mirror was. I still thought mom and dad would kill me, no matter how cute I was.

But, that can wait. I lifted my head and straightened my torso and made my way out the door. I strutted as if I were on the catwalk. I walked between Candace and Verity, who had their mouths stuck open, watching me. I giggled, did a sexy little turn and kicked out my hip. “So? Whatcha think? Will this work?”

“Work? Yeah, you are workin’ it girl!” Verity chuckled. “You’re gonna turn Candace gay looking like that!” Candace gave her a little slap.

“You do look hot, Kayla. Your mom is gonna love you!” Candace promised.

“I don’t know about that.” I moped.

“Well, doesn’t matter. The boys are gonna love you!” She said while tugging one of my sleeves. “Oooh! Let’s do your nails, then we can call your mom.”

Well, we ended up doing each other’s nails, then touching up our makeup. Then Candace handed me the phone. “No, that’s okay, I’ll use my phone, then she’ll know it’s me. She likes to screen her calls.” If I’m lucky, she’ll see my name and not pick up.

I took my phone out of my tote. I don’t have a purse. Yet! I held my finger over redial (well, home is the only place I ever call, after all - I know, sad!) and I took a deep breath. Then another, then I began to hyperventilate.

“Oh! What do we do?” Candace blurted.

Verity replied, “I saw on ‘Big Bang,’ they used a paper bag to breathe into!”

“Kay!” Candace grabbed the bag of Doritos and dumped them into the trash. Then she handed me the bag and I began breathing into it. I gagged and sputtered and choked on the spicy cheesy salt fumes and particles, but it worked. I was no longer breathing out of control. I giggle-coughed.

“I’ve heard of inhaling your food before, but that was crazy!” I giggled and coughed again. My luck, I’ll probably get Bronchitis ‘Texas Style.’ They descended on me and began a tickle fest. That further diminished my irregular breathing and I came out the other side feeling exhausted and a little faint.

“Okay,” I said, “I guess I need to fix my face again, huh?” They giggled and nodded.

“Yeah, you’ve got a cheesy smile!” Verity chuckled.

“Thanks!” I threw a pillow at her and got up to go touch myself up. Maybe then I can call mom. Maybe. I am so not looking forward to this.

When I came back all prettied up, I asked Candace, “do you think I could play a quick piece on the piano before I call my mom? It relaxes me.”

“Of course! Let’s go!” So we tumbled up the stairs and into the living room where I beheld the glorious Steinway again.

I sat and wriggled my fingers. I decided to play something especially relaxing - ‘Songs from a Secret Garden.’ ‘twould have been better with all the instruments, but it still sounded good. I warbled the ethereal intro and continued while Candace and Verity sat on the mushy chairs with their eyes closed.

When I finished, Candace said, “I could listen to you all day, girl. So pretty. So, are you relaxed enough?”

“I’ll never be relaxed enough, but I think this is as good as it’s gonna get, so I might as well…” I grabbed my phone off the piano and hovered over the redial button again. Then, the unthinkable happened. I actually pressed it! Oh my god!

“Hi Andrew. How’s it going? Are you having fun?” Hi mom. Yeah! So much fun! Best slumber party ever! (oops!). “Slumber party?” I meant sleepover; best sleepover ever. “That’s nice, dear. So, what’s on your mind?” Well, I decided, we decided, that it would be nice if you met my new friends. “Really? I’d like that. But, I think it would be best if you don’t walk home in the dark, so I’ll come over there, okay?” Mmhmm. “Good, so what’s the address?”

“Oh, Candace, what’s your address?” So I gave mom the address and I had approximately five minutes left to live. I felt like a dead woman walking. Well, sitting, shaking, quaking in my cute strappy sandals. Oy!

Chapter Five - Mom Meets Kayla

I ran to the bathroom in a panic. I was sure I was going to throw up, but it turned out to be just the dry heaves. I checked my makeup and my hair and smoothed my skirt and checked my makeup again. My heart was a jackhammer and I was sure it would shatter me. Candace and Verity were standing in the doorway, concern etched on their faces.

“You’re gonna do fine. You look beautiful!” Candace tried to reassure me again.

“If beauty were the only criteria, that would be great.” I grimaced, bile rising in my throat. Then the doorbell rang and I jumped. Uncomfortable giggles squirted from the girls and I stood, running my hands down my sides. “Well,” I said, “nice knowing you. Here goes nothing. Or everything, or whatever, god!” I went and sat down on the couch while Candace opened the door.

“Mrs. Greenlee?” From the couch, I could see mom nod.

“That’s right.”

“Please, come in.” So she did! Gah! “I’m Candace - this is my home, and this is Verity and Kayla.” She gestured to the two of us on the sofa. “Hi!” We bleated as we stood up.

“Nice to meet you. So, where’s Andrew? Messing about somewhere I suppose. Oh! Are you the friends he was talking about? I assumed you would be boys.” Mom interrogated with a touch of contempt. What a bitch!

I tried to calm myself. She hasn’t recognized me yet, but it’s only a matter of time, and her mood seems to be going south. I fidgeted and played with my skirt. Candace tried to conduct this macabre symphony to my best advantage. She asked my mom, “would you like to have a seat? Coffee? Tea?”

“Tea would be nice. Where’s Andrew?” Mom insisted again.

“I’ll go put the kettle on, then we can all talk, okay? Don’t worry, she-he’s here.” Closer than you think you oblivious bat! I thought. God, when did I get so angry at my mom? And my dad’s even worse, lucky me.

“You’re all so pretty, how’d Andrew get so lucky? Is he dating one of you?” She continued, just as oblivious and deluded as before.

“Um, no.” Verity spoke up. “We’re just friends.”

“Well, that’s different, isn’t it? It’s got me wondering, though. How does that work? I mean, three girls and one boy?” Mom practically sneered. I felt like wringing her neck, but I’m not a violent person, so I’ll just settle for condemning her quietly, with a smile. Christian of me, isn’t it?

“Oh, it works out great. Sh-he fits right in; we get along like three peas in a pod.” Verity bumbled.

“Three? Seems there would be four of you.” Mom was like a frigging dog with a bone. Verity froze, realizing her mistake.

Candace returned, thank god, and sat between me and Verity. “Nope, just the three of us.” Candace said while rising again. She grabbed my hand, causing me to stand. “Have you met Kayla? She’s just completed our set today. We are now the three mousketeers!” She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back, even through my trepidation.

My mom stood as if she actually had manners. “Nice to meet you Kayla.”

“Kayla plays the piano. She’s a maestro, would you like to hear while we wait?” Candace played up.

“Where is that boy, anyway?” Mom pressed again.

Candace smiled. “Won’t be a moment.” She was taking on my mom’s stilted speech patterns. Mirroring her. She’s so socially astute! “Go on, Kayla, why don’t you play us a little something?”

I nodded and shuffled to the piano bench and sat down. I looked to the ceiling, trying to decided what to play to my tormentor. Perhaps music could soothe this savage beast? I decided on Rachmaninoff’s “Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini” flowing into his “Symphony No. 2.” Mom sat, rapt, for the eight minutes of my mini concert. I really wanted to play “Vocalise,” as well, but that would take too long and mom’s not a patient person, to say the least. At least she appreciates good music.

“That was gorgeous Kayla! You’re really talented!” Mom enthused.

“Thank you,” I practically whispered, terrified of outing myself too soon. I don’t really know what Candace’s plan is.

“Tea’s ready!” Candace announced, carrying in a tray with four cups and setting it on the coffee table.

We all settled into our spots around the living room. “Kayla, why don’t you tell Mrs. Greenlee about yourself.”

“Why isn’t Andrew here yet! What the hell’s going on!” Mom blurted with derision. So much for soothing. She was just as prickly as ever, if not moreso. Sigh.

So I just began.

“Mom, you know I’ve told you my whole life that I’m a girl.” Her maw gaped open. “But you’ve chosen to ignore it and belittle me every time.” I paused, because she was about to interrupt me anyways. I know my mother, and one can never complete a thought without her butting her way in with her own ever-so-important notions, opinions, and snide comments.

She stood up and came close, standing right in front of me. She looked me over. “You think this is funny? Fooling the old lady? What the hell? What the hell have you done to him, you, you…” For once she was at a loss for words, at least temporarily. “You’re lunatics, all of you! Including you!” She looked at me with a dark fire that shriveled what little boy bits I had.

All three of us girls stood up nearly simultaneously. Candace and Verity each grabbed one of my mom’s arms. “Now, knock it off, Mrs. Greenlee and just listen!” Verity fired at mom.

“I will not! And unhand me, you crazy Jezebel’s! We’re going home! Just wait ‘til your father gets hold of you! You’ll learn not to dress up like, like, like a goddamned…transvestite!” Ooh, she’s losing the power of speech, and thought. Kinda funny, actually. At least it would’ve been had I not been stunned so badly with tears gushing forth. “No wonder you’re hanging out with girls. You’re a little pansy gay-boy! I knew you were sick! Now, let’s go!” She grabbed my arm and began tugging harshly.

“Ow!” I screamed and Candace and Verity pulled her away.

“She’s not going anywhere, you self-righteous witch!” Verity screamed into my mother’s face.

“Get out of my house, you bitch!” Candace joined in. “If you can’t love your daughter, you don’t deserve her!”

“Daughter?! You people really are nuts. You know what? Keep the little faggot and good riddance!” She turned on her heel.

“Seriously?” Verity asked. “You’d rather not have a child than accept the truth of the one standing right in front of you? What the hell’s wrong with you?”

“That’s right! And I know it’ll be a big relief to It’s father, finally being rid of such an embarrassment! You can keep it, it’s no use to me anymore! Jesus! You’re running a lunatic asylum here!” She barked a high-pitched cackle and stormed out the door, not bothering to even slam it as one should in a proper tantrum. Sigh. That went well, I thought.

“Well. That went well.” Verity said flatly and I began to giggle. They joined in and I giggled and laughed for about five minutes until I thought I would hyperventilate again. God, I didn’t want the Doritos cure again, so I finally calmed down, wiping my eyes of fifteen years of tears.

Chapter Six - Meet the Parents

“So, I take it your mom’s a religious nut, then?” Verity asked pointedly.

“You could say that. As apt a term as any, I guess. Born again and all that.” I sighed.

“Born again as what? A viper? A bitch jackal? Sorry, she’s your mom, I shouldn’t say…” Verity caught herself, but she was offering very welcome descriptives.

“You see what I’ve been dealing with. And my dad is just as bad. Even worse, because he doles out the belt.” I lamented, still feeling the sting across my buttocks.

“He hits you? That’s fuckin’ child abuse!” Verity pointed out.

“Yeah,” is all I could say to that.

“Candace, when do your mom and dad get back?” Verity asked.

“Um, probably around eight.” She guessed. “The restaurant they went to has like seven courses.”

Verity elaborated, “Candace’s mom and pops are lawyers, they’ll know what to do. Her dad’s won a lot of big cases, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll sort you out. Take care of you. You can stay here for the night.” Candace offered.

“Wow, thanks! But, we just met today. Why…” I was cut off, but in a good way this time.

“You’ve heard of soulmates, you know, with a couple, and all that? Well, I think there are soulmates when it comes to BFFs as well. I feel like I’ve known you forever and you just being here makes my life feel…better somehow. You know what I mean?” Candace sweetly explained.

“Oh my god, I totally feel the same way. That is so weird and cool.” I told her. “The both of you, you’re so awesome.”

“Yep. You’re stuck with us Alice.” Verity agreed. I looked at her, a bit puzzled. “You know, Alice in Wonderland - c’mon, get with the program, girl,” she smiled her wickedly wonderful smile. “Even with all your drama, we’re having so much fun. Right?”

“Right.” Candace and I jinxed.

Just then, we heard the garage door go up. It was now 8:15. They must have had dessert, I thought cheekily. Moments later, the door into the kitchen opened and I could hear a man’s voice, along with Candace’s mother. They were laughing about the opposing counsel on a case; what I heard was quite funny and I couldn’t help but smile. I don’t think my parents have ever smiled. Not in my lifetime anyways.

“Daddy!” Candace squealed. She must be a daddy’s girl, I thought. “Come. Meet my new friend, Kayla!” My heart went mushy, knowing the first thing out of her mouth, in greeting, was proof of my existence.

“Hi Mr. Collins. Pleasure to meet you.” I reached my hand out limply, my nail polish glistening under the kitchen lights.

“Lovely to meet you, Kayla. Such a pretty name for a pretty girl. So, how did you all meet?” He prompted.

Verity piped up. “You don’t wanna know, Mr. Collins!” I blushed.

“Why not? Oh, no matter. So, what have you girls been up to?” He asked.

“Daddy, why don’t you get settled first. It’s kind of a long story. So, um, do you want coffee or wine?” Candace inquired.

“You know what? I’ll have one more wine; I don’t have to drive now.” He smiled. What about you, hon?”

“Yes, me too, white.” She added tersely.

“Coming right up!” Candace announced, heading toward the fridge. She then grabbed two wine glasses out of the cupboard and poured them half full in the practiced ballet of a trained sommelier. “Can we cozy up in the den? Kayla hasn’t seen it yet and it’s much nicer for a conversation.”

“You bet. See you in there in…” he looked at his watch, “five minutes.”

“Okay Daddy. Okay girls, should we have tea or hot chocolate?” She asked us.

“Hot chocolate! Verity and I declared with a giggles and smiles.

Our hot chocolate was ready just at the five minute mark and we made our way to the den. Wow! It was maybe half the size of a home library, well, home in the mansion sense, but still quite cozy with all the bookshelves and a fireplace that was already aflame. Mr. and Mrs. Collins were seated in their plush chairs, with their wine on little tables that looked like they belonged in a yacht club.

We girls sat on the matching sofa facing them and Candace began. She told the story of how we met and all our fun up to my mother visiting. Then it was my turn. “Kayla, why don’t you take it from here?”

“Um, sure.” The shaky trepidation was evident in my voice, but I kept relatively calm. I finished up with, “So my mom has pretty much disowned me and thrown me out of the house.” I began to cry sobs I hoped weren’t too ugly. The girls hugged me and both the Collins elders came and stood waiting for the girls to vacate. They then took seats to either side of me. It was then their turn to hug me.

Mrs. Collins began. “Sweetie, I can’t imagine what your life has been like, or what it was like to be essentially cut out of your family. But I can tell you this: we will do all we can to help you…”

“...and you can stay as long as you need. Our home is open completely to you.” Mr. Collins continued his wife's thought. “I can tell that you mean a lot to Candace, and she has good taste in friends, present company excepted.” He glanced at Verity seriously, then smiled.

“Hey!” She protested, then giggled.

“I’m sorry for your troubles; just let us know how we can help and we will help as best as we can. You are not alone, okay?” He squeezed my hand.

I nodded, saying, “thank you Mr. C., Mrs. C., that’s very kind of you and I promise not to be too much trouble.”

“Don’t you worry about that,” Mrs. Collins soothed. “We’ll deal with anything that comes our way; right hon?”

“That’s right. Now, we’ll talk more tomorrow, but for now, we need to get some rest. Make all the noise you want in the basement since we can’t hear you upstairs, okay?” He surprised me with that one. At home, if I so much as whispered out of turn I got the evil eye or worse. They are so cool!

They each gave me one more hug before turning to leave. Mr. C. paused and looked at me. “Truly, Kayla, welcome to our home.”

“Thank you sir.” I looked to him, wide eyed.

“So polite,” he chuckled. Don’t know where I learned that from. Honestly!

So the three of us trundled up the stairs to get ready for bed. Candace loaned me some jammies. Verity had flitted home for hers earlier in the day. We quietly made our way back down to the noise box and began the slumber party in earnest.

To Be Continued…