Friending Jane Austen Chapters 18 - 20 By Tara Nicole Miller Copyright © 2024, 2025 Tara Nicole Miller All Rights Reserved. Word Count 4,500

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Image Credit: From Adobe Stock Photos - Three women in vintage attire with braided hair, posing for a selfie. By Irina Kozel
 

Chapter 18 - Cheers and Fears

So, the store opening was a success, but I had no time to rest on my laurels. Cheer tryouts are at ten this morning. Candace thought it might give me an edge to wear an actual cheerleading outfit, so she let me use hers from last year. It no longer fit her, but it was just about perfect on me! I got quite a thrill as I stood in front of the mirror, turning this way and that. Who woulda thought that less than three months ago I was living as a pseudo-boy! Hard to tell from the image in the mirror, I gotta say.

I’ve recently started getting itchy under my silicone breasts, so I’m thinking I need to remove them and do a thorough scrubbing tonight. But, for now, they need to help me fill out my new uniform. I don’t expect Brian to get handsy on our date, but I want to look good for him. He knows about me, so he has to know the boobs are fake, doesn’t he? I shrugged.

Candace insisted on helping me with my makeup, then she put a ribbon in my ponytail. It was another part of her cheer outfit in the school colors. I looked too cute! Verity sat on the bed just rolling her eyes and being snarky as usual. I wouldn’t know what to do if she was cloyingly complimentary. She keeps me grounded. I love that about her.

“Well, you certainly look the part, Cheery Barbie. How many brain cells did you have to remove to fit into that uniform?” She smirked.

“Hey!” Candace and I blurted, simultaneously. Then we giggled, ruining our display of righteous indignation.

At nine, I was well wound up. Needing to calm down, I escaped to the living room where I found my love waiting for me. The lovely Steinway Grand. I chose Beethoven today: Moonlight Sonata and Pathétique, the adagio parts. I’ve always found adagios to be particularly calming. Mom came in with her coffee and sat to listen, while the girls were off doing something less boring I suppose. Oh, they love when I play the piano, but they seem to like it better when I play pop songs. Then we all sing along and get silly.

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata by Anastasia Huppmann
Beethoven's Pathetique by Anastasia Huppmann

I must have looked a sight, a pretty little cheerleader plinking away with her ponytail bouncing in rhythm. Whatever, mom seemed to like it.

“I could listen to you all day, sweetie. I’ll never understand how you can play so beautifully at such a young age.”

“Well, I had no life before, as you know. My little electric piano was my escape, my sanity. You know, the Greenlees would make me plug the headphones in? They never wanted to listen. My sperm donor thought it was too sissy and it just made him mad.” I lamented. “My egg donor wanted me to play hymns, which aren’t so bad, I guess, they just weren’t my thing.”

Mom giggled. “Sperm donor and egg donor, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s how I have to think of them. It’s hard. I suppose I could do like with Prince: The people formerly known as my parents!” I grinned. Thinking of them was becoming less frequent and less painful all the time. Thank god.

“Okay, hon, are you relaxed now? Ready to go?” Mom asked.

“Yeah, I just have to run and get my purse. Where are Candace and Verity do you suppose?” I asked.

“I’ll find them, you just do you. I think I hear some insanity emanating from the ER.” That’s the basement, as you know.

“That’s not insanity, that’s Sabrina Carpenter!” I squealed and ran down the basement stairs.

“Kayla!” Mom yelled after me.

After we finished singing Please, Please, Please, we all went up to get ourselves together.

~o~O~o~

I was fidgeting with my skirt as we pulled up to the school gym. Candace tried to reassure me. “Don’t worry girl, you’re gonna do great. You’ve got this!”

I gave her a weak smile. “I dunno. I seem to do okay when I play the piano in front of an audience, but dancing and doing flips and shaking my hips? I still haven’t really come to terms with my body and I’m afraid it may betray me under pressure.”

“I know it’s a bit late in the game, but how ‘bout you try some visualization, you know, like athletes do? You’re doing the cheer for Fight Song, right?” I nodded, staring into space. “Okay. Put your earbuds in and play the song, imagining your moves all the way through. Even if you’re not perfect, remember, big smile and hold your head up with confidence.”

“Confidence will take some major visualization,” I murmured.

Verity piped up, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, you’re cheering, not running the nuclear arsenal! It’s supposed to be fun, right? Not life or death.” Leave it to her to put things into perspective.

I grinned at her. “Thanks, V. I needed that. You’re right. It’s always fun in practice, even when I fall on my butt!” God, I hope I don’t fall on my butt!

I didn’t even watch the other girls as they went through their routines. I kept my earbuds in and my body swayed and twitched as I ran through my routine in my head. After a while, I got a nudge from Candace. “You’re up!” Oh shit.

I tried to relax so hard that I was afraid that I’d melt into a puddle of goo. I guess there’s a happy medium somewhere out there. I need to find it in a hurry. I kept my back straight and my head held high as I smiled and skipped my way to the floor. I took my position and Fight Song began. I’ve always found the song to be empowering and that empowerment flowed through me. As soon as I made my first move with the pom poms I was zoned out. Or, in the zone, whatever! It was so cool. I didn’t even have to think, and after two minutes (or was it the blink of an eye?) I was skipping off the floor to a cheering mob of estrogen. The whole squad was hugging me. Then all of a sudden I was lifted off the floor and spun around. Then I saw Brian’s cobalt blue eyes. What was happening?

“Kayla, you were amazing,” Brian gushed. He still held me a foot off the ground. This was all weirdly intimate. We haven’t even been out on our date yet. Ooh, we have a date today!

“Thanks Brian! Um…” I looked around, a little embarrassed for some reason.

“Oh, right, sorry.” He set me down gently and I kinda wanted him to pick me up again. I felt so tiny in his arms, so delicate, so feminine. It was a heady feeling. Well, more of a fluttery feeling in my solar plexus and regions beyond. God, my boobs are itchy!

“Okay girls! We’ll have the results later today. Everybody will get a text, or a phone call for those of you behind the times.” There were a few titters at that. I was so glad I joined the 21st century when I joined the Collins family, getting an iPhone and all the newest gadgets. I kinda feel like I’m part of the world now. The prevailing culture. It’s a wonderful feeling really, to feel one belongs. Well, mostly. I’ll always be on the outer fringes in some ways (I have no illusions about that!), torn in two, but at least I get a little whiff of the zeitgeist from time to time. Even so, I try to ignore the really odorous and odious bits as much as possible! But it’s those awful bits that will never allow me to feel as if I really belong. It’s quite a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that half the world hates you before you even step out the door.

Mom came wandering up to gather us all for the trip home. Sometimes it can be like herding cats! She gave me a hug. “You did great, sweetie.”

“Thanks, mom.”

The last of us wayward kitties made it into the car, where Verity shocked the heck out of me. “I have to admit, you did pretty good, Cheerio!” What, no snarkiness? I almost felt let down. “You should make the squad just for being so damn cute and perky!”

I gave her a hug and she rolled her eyes. “Thanks, V, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” I giggled.

“Yeah, well, don’t get used to it.” She smirked and gave me a little squeeze.

I had agreed to go miniature golfing with Brian, even though I’d never been before. The weather was nice, so I decided to wear a denim skirt with a pretty cami and a pair of strappy sandals. I didn’t figure heels would be the way to go, even though he’s so tall! My top didn’t show my fake cleavage, so I felt pretty safe. I figure he’s gotta know my boobs are fake, but I don’t need to put the image of a fake girl into his head.

Okay, so maybe miniature golf isn’t my thing. Brian had to show me how to hold the stick thingy and even then my first shot went maybe only ten feet, careening gently off the wall that was so thoughtfully provided. My next shot I figured I would have to hit harder and boy howdy did I! It shot off the wall then up the bank, taking flight and bounding happily across the parking lot to its freedom. I was so embarrassed!

But my ineptitude led to an interesting knock on effect. For the next several holes, Brian held me close and tried to teach me the nuances of this infuriating pastime. I could get to like miniature golf! I was a terrible student, because I kinda didn’t want to get any better as I was quite enjoying Brian’s tutelage. God, I’ve been hanging around Candace too long. Who in the world says ‘tutelage?’

At the tenth hole, I interrupted Brian’s tee shot, or whatever it’s called. I guess I’d been enjoying Brian’s company too much, so I decided to ruin it with my big mouth as per usual. “So, Brian, I’m kinda curious… why me? I mean, you can have any girl you want, so… I don’t get it. I’m kinda damaged, as you know…”

He paused, then sauntered over and grabbed my hand. We sat on the little wooden bench over to the side. “Kayla,” he said, looking deeply into my eyes, “we’re all damaged, you know? Even me,” he grinned, then got serious again. “Sure, you’ve gone through more than most, but, I have to think it’s made you a better person, because all I see is a beautiful, intelligent, and much too modest girl. Your compassion is off the charts. No other girl I’ve met can touch you. Can’t you see?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, I guess I have a blind spot when it comes to looking at myself. I mean, look at me, this is all just smoke and mirrors.” I waved my hands along my body.

“So, you’re a late bloomer. My sister padded, too. Don’t tell her I said that! Look, that’s just the outer shell. But, you forget, I’ve been stalking you for two months. I thought you were amazing without the, erm, padding. If we’re talking just the physical, it’s the eyes, the face, the delicacy framed by your beautiful hair.” He reached up and stroked a lock of my hair, causing me to get the shivers. “I don’t know, it’s the way you hold yourself, the way you move in the world.” He was holding my hand and stroking the soft skin and my smooth shiny nails.

“Are you sure you’re fifteen?” I asked sincerely.

He laughed. “Yeah. ‘Fraid so. My mom says I’m an old soul. I think it might be because I have an older sister. It made me think differently, more deeply, about the meaning of a woman. I have a sort of reverence, I guess you’d say. Plus I read a lot. I haven’t always been this big football jock, you know. I used to be quite the nerd. I still am, I suppose.”

I laughed, “Oh my god, that is so hard to imagine! So, two nerds together?”

“Two nerds together. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and we continued with the tenth hole.

I suppose when you’re just fifteen you think that every guy is ‘the one.’ You haven’t built up that protective thick, cynical outer coating yet. So there I was, crushing and mushing and gushing - all the ushes. You suppose Usher has something to do with it? Oh, shush! Giggle. Yeah, the first guy I’ve ever gone out with and I was already planning our wedding. What a ditz! We haven’t even kissed yet. Yeah, I have to admit I’m looking forward to that, my First Kiss.

Then I got to wondering why he hasn’t kissed me yet. Even with all his beautiful words, maybe he’s having a hard time getting past my, erm, past? Maybe I’m not as pretty as everyone says. But hey, you don’t have to be pretty to get a kiss, do you? Gaah! I was tying myself up in knots. Why can’t I just enjoy myself? Why do I have to overthink things all the time? Par for the course? Ooh, a sports pun!

After the golfing, we got a hot dog, then headed into the arcade. The best one, because we got to do it together, was Fast and Furious. I sucked, but it was so much fun! I hope I’m a better driver in real life than in the game. I kinda gravitated to the retro games that were available, while Brian liked the shoot em ups. I got mad at him when he played Big Buck Hunter, but he assured me he was not into hunting in real life. “Hey, if you want to experience hunting, isn’t this the best way to do it?” He said. I couldn’t argue with him, there.

It was getting close to dinner time, so he texted Stephanie to come pick us up. As soon as Brian and I settled into the back seat, Stephanie piped up all excited. “So, did you get your text, Kayla?”

“Um, what text?”

“Oh my god! Cheerleading, you silly girl!” She squealed.

“Oh! Omigosh, I had my phone turned off. I totally forgot. Did I make it?”

“Did you make it? Hah! We all agreed you were the best one! By far!” Stephanie said.

“No way!” I squealed.

“Way!”

Brian gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek, causing me to blush. “Congratulations, Kayla. I told you you were a shoo-in.”

“Yes, you did,” I grinned while snuggling into him. He put his arm around me. Omigod! I was quiet and lost in thought for a few moments. Brian hugged me, and kissed my cheek! And I’m gonna be a real, honest to goodness cheerleader! I closed my eyes and continued to grin to myself. Am I really the girl that sat in wait, hoping to meet absolutely anyone, that day on the street? The androgynous weirdo with the tea service, reading Emma and listening to John Barry on a pathetic old 16 gig iPod? I sighed contentedly. Life is weird, and wonderful!

Brian led me to my front door. Such a gentleman! “I had a lot of fun today, Kayla.” He said sotto voce, while looking into my eyes.

“Me too,” I agreed, my eyes fluttering of their own accord.

“I’m really hoping you want to see me again.”

Are you kidding me? Do I! “I’d really like that,” I whispered.

“May I kiss you?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

I just nodded and lifted my face to him. He kissed me ever so gently for just a few seconds. I tingled all over. Then he gave me a smile, just as gentle. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

I smiled back, then gave him a hug, my face cuddling into his chest. He smelled so good. I decided to let him go, much as I didn’t want to. “Call me?” I asked, hopefully. Was that too forward?

“Of course,” He said and gave me another quick peck. On his way back to the car he did a little twirl. “I’m dating a cheerleader!” He announced and I had to giggle. What a goofball!

After I let myself in, I leaned against the door and touched my lips, which curled into an involuntary smile. I giggled. My first kiss! Omigod, where’s Candace? I skipped into the kitchen and there was mom preparing dinner. I can’t believe a lawyer can find time to cook, but she’s great at it. “Hi mom!” I sang.

“Hi sweetie. Did you have fun?” She asked as I twirled, ending leant up against the counter with what must have been the dreamiest of gazes.

“Uh huh.” I murmured, then my eyes cleared. “Oh, where’s Candace?”

“She’s over at Verity’s. If you go over, would you tell her dinner will be ready in half an hour?”

I was already half-way out the door. “‘Kay mom!”

I was running over to Verity’s house when a neighbor boy decided to spout off. “You run like a girl!” He blurted with a chortle.

I did a little pirouette, “Yeah, I know!” Then I transitioned into a little skip, hop, and jump up to V’s front door.

I knocked, then cracked open the door. “Anyone home?” I called.

“Up here!” CV called in stereo.

I dashed up the stairs and fairly fell into Verity’s room. Out of breath, I grinned broadly, “Hey Curriculum; Hey Vitae!”

Candace and Verity both rolled their eyes. “That never gets old,” Verity said flatly. “So, to what do we owe this distinct honor?” She asked.

“She’s a newly minted cheerleader whose been on a date!” Candace blurted. “Come, tell us,” she invited, patting the bed beside her.

I bounced onto the bed. “Oh, mom says dinner in thirty.”

“Oh, thank god, I don’t think I could bear hearing Kayla’s sickly sweet details for any longer than that.” Verity snarked.

I just rolled my eyes and fell back on the bed. Candace began the pumping, “so, did he kiss you?” And we were off.

We were late getting to dinner. Even Verity had asked a few questions. I didn’t know she cared! So, Candace and I pranced into the kitchen and plopped into our seats.

“You girls need to wash your hands.” Mom reminded us. I giggled. Back to Earth, I guess.

I repeated the details to my wondrous day, but it was slightly edited since dad was with us for dinner. “Why haven’t I met this boy?” Dad asked.

Mom answered for me. “Don’t worry hon, I’ve fully vetted him. He’s quite a nice boy. You’ve met Stephanie, his sister.”

“Have I?” He asked, raising an eyebrow while he stabbed a piece of pot roast. Speaking of which, mom and dad insisted that I at least try a bite with horseradish sauce. I was skeptical, but oh my god! It was so delicious! It was giving the Amish noodles smothered with gravy a run for its money. I was considering my cheerleader status when filling my plate, but it’s so hard to eat like a rabbit when mom’s such a great cook!

“Mom? Can you teach me how to cook? I mean, I’ve cooked a little in the past, but it wasn’t as much fun because I was always scared of you know who coming in and going off on me.” My sperm donor thought it was too sissy. It’s women’s work. What a misogynistic jerk! He’ll love that Facebook now allows free rein to those who want to refer to women as chattel and trans people as ‘it,’ as non-humans. Not that he would even know how to turn on a computer, he’s such a caveman. I hate that I harbor such resentment; it makes me feel icky. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive those people?

Mom spoke and got me out of my death spiral. “Sure sweetie. Maybe Candace would like to join in?” She looked over at Candace, who rolled her eyes.

“Mom, that’s what restaurants are for!” She blurted with a mouthful of noodles.

“You know,” I cut in, “you make so many great things, I was thinking of typing up all your recipes and making a book out of them. Whaddya think?”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Kayla, but how would you find the time? School’s starting and you have cheer practice and your store, and…” mom paused, “there is one other thing you might like to do.”

My eyebrow raised as I glanced up from my noodles. “Really? What’s that?” I wondered.

“I’ve been talking to my friend Marilyn, Candace’s old piano teacher.” Mom said.

“Candace knows how to play piano?” I glanced over at her, eyes wide.

She shook her head. “I only did two years. I can barely do the scales.” She glanced at mom. “Kayla’s like a professional already. What more can she learn?”

“Well, Marilyn plays for the CSO now. I don’t know if that’s just an occasional thing or what, but she’s top notch. She’s even got a CD out; in fact, she’s sending me one. Anyway, I bet she can help Kayla to the next level; what do you think, sweetie?” Mom queried, looking at me intently.

“Um, gosh!” I was at a bit of a loss. “Um, I dunno, I kinda just play for fun. I never had a teacher before, you know I just did Youtube tutorials and stuff and went from there. I actually suck at reading music.”

“You play all those beautiful pieces without sheet music? How in the world?” Mom asked.

“I’m not sure. Once I learned what keys made which sounds and the chords and stuff, I was able to listen to a piece and just play it.” They all looked at me funny. “What?”

“You know that’s not normal, right?” Candace enquired.

“I guess. But, there’s not really much normal about me, is there?” I grinned.

Mom shook her head. “I guess not!” Then she smiled. “So, what do you think? You could just meet her, no pressure, then you both can decide if it’s what you want to do.”

Gosh, could I really afford to add another item to my burgeoning agenda? I might go mental, if I’m not there already. School’s already going to be terrifying, finally presenting as a girl and making the academic and social leap from junior high. And then there’s cheerleading and the store. Well, the store’s no big deal; I can do homework on the bus and in the downtimes, which will be plentiful, I’m sure. Ooh, and Brian! I’m not giving up Brian, no way no how!

“I guess I’ll have to run all the numbers on my spreadsheet. I’m kinda scared I’m taking on too much as it is. It’s kinda cool having so much to do, but it’s all still really new to me.” I murmured. “Where does she live, anyway? I’d have to get there somehow.” I guess I was already looking for an out.

Mom smiled. “She still lives just five minutes away, same as always; you can actually walk there.” Okay, there went that idea, although, maybe I should be looking for reasons to do it, ways to make it work, instead of bailing. I don’t want to regress and become the pathetic hermit I used to be. I suppose learning how to read sheet music and maybe some theory would be kinda cool.

“Okay,” I acceded. “So, should I call her, or what?” I asked, spearing some string beans.

“Sure, I’ll get you her number and you busy ladies can sort out your schedules.” Mom offered.

I really need to check my spreadsheet, cause I’m starting to get a little tension in my tummy. As I was thinking about what a full day it’s been, and all the little triumphs I had, mom threw another one at me. “We need to go back-to-school shopping tomorrow. You girls don’t really need clothes, but you need supplies.”

I stopped my head spinning for a moment and said, “I would like to get a new backpack. A girly one. My old one is kinda… masculine.” I shuddered.

“Oh god, not pink!” Candace blurted.

“What’s wrong with pink?” I feined innocence. “Just kidding, I’m not ten; although…” I made like I was actually thinking about it. I never got any pink stuff back in the day. But, I sure don’t want to be teased for my clothing and accessories. I’m sure I’ll get enough flak for just showing up as a girl!

“Okay then, let’s all get a list going and we can compare notes later. Shall we meet in the living room at say, nine o’clock? Lists and lemonade?” She grinned, ever the together lawyer lady, and me with alliterations littering all about my feet. God, I’m weird. I blame Candace and her affinity for language. I’ve been corrupted!

Just before bed I began removing my silicone breast forms. I can’t wait to deal with all that itchiness! I guess I should probably leave them off for a couple days and let my skin breathe. Once I got them off I just massaged my…breasts? They’d gotten a little puffy and, ooh! my nipples hurt! I rubbed the nipples a bit and I noticed a little knot-like growth or something under each one. Great, I’ve gone and given myself cancer!

I threw my robe on and ran to get mom. As soon as I got to her in the living room I started crying. “Mom, something’s wrong with my chest! I think my breast forms have given me cancer or something. There’s growths and it hurts!”

“C’mere sweetie, let me see. I doubt it’s cancer.” She soothed.

I opened my robe and she gasped. “My word, what have we here?” She felt all around my breasts. “Hmmm. Sweetie, you’re budding!” She smiled, looking into my eyes. “I wouldn’t have thought that androgen blockers would have this effect, but I’m seeing it with my own eyes. I don’t really know much about it, I’m afraid. Maybe your natural estrogen is kicking in?” Omg, I felt so guilty. I’ve been taking Verity’s birth control pills for nearly three months and I never told mom. I was afraid she’d make me stop. I was really torn about whether I should tell her or not. She said, “I guess we should make an appointment to see Dr. Farnham. It has been a couple months.” Jeez, what do I do? I could get in big trouble. I won’t say the pills are from Verity; no reason I should take her down with me.

Okay, so now I’ve got a doctor appointment to worry about in the near future, as if I didn’t have enough staring me in the face. But, I ended up doing my spreadsheet on Sunday and breathed a sigh of relief. It turns out I was way more nervous than was necessary. Only half my waking hours would be used if I did absolutely everything I wanted to. I could still totally chill with my girlies! In fact, I had way more down time than I was expecting as we rolled through the week. I was even able to read a couple of trans fiction stories that I had been neglecting. I love them! Then the weekend before the start of school came sneaking up behind me. My potential doom loomed on the horizon and was getting ever closer. What will school be like as a girl? I know it’s gotta be way better and the bullying can’t really get any worse, can it? I’m glad I have acrylic nails or I might start biting them!

To be continued…